Declaration of Independence

Declaration of Independence
The Enlightened States of America (ESA)

The Enlightened States of America have had enough of the Jim Crow attitudes and uncivilized politics of you people of the Red States. We've decided to form our own country, and you're not invited to join us.  The concept of "legitimate rape" being promoted by some of your most prominent politicians is one of our objections to your behavior, but far from our only complaint. All the Blue States are coming with us. To be clear, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast. We are sorry it's come to this, but splitting with you is necessary to preserve our mental health and our ability to pursue happiness, which we are allowed to do under your consitution, but not under your oppressive presence in our lives.

Division of assets

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren.
You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.

We get the Statue of Liberty.
You get OpryLand.

We get Intel and Microsoft.
You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard.
You get Ole' Miss, Auburn, and the Universities of Arkansas and Virginia. Congratulations on UV. Well done.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue.
You get to make your citizens pay their fair share.

We get a bunch of happy families because our divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's 
You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that abortion will be available at all licensed hospitals in the ESA.

The ESA is anti-war. We're going to want all our citizens back from Afghanistan at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids that they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We wish you success in Afghanistan, and possibly Iran as well, but we're not willing to spend our resources in such pursuits.

Please note that we will require you to send back all of our guns, tanks, and military airpcraft. We paid for them. We don't need them, but we don't trust you with them. Buy your own.

You can keep your nuclear weapons, but if you decide to get rid of them, we'll get rid of ours, too, as long as both sides have open inspection privileges. It's not that we don't trust you ... oh ... wait ... it is that we don't trust you.. We definitely don't trust you.

We get 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines. 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias, and condors, MIT, Cal Tech, Stanford, Cal, Harvard and Yale and all the Ivy League and Seven Sisters.

You will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, plus Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson, and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite. Thank you.

Don't think we haven't noticed that 38% of your people believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than us lefties.

We're taking the good weed too.
You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.

Best wishes, and good riddance.
We now realize that Lincoln made a mistake.