If I Die Today                                   February, 2008


"Am I more than just a hot body, a good cook, a laughing girl?"

"Is there anything more in me than good sex, a good friend, someone who listens?"

If I die today

What would I leave behind?

The image of a confused girl

The vision of a flower girl

The memory of a wanna-be

The scent of soap and water

The falling hair mixed with gray

Feet that flew when the mood was right

Arms quick and ready for a warm embrace

A mask of silliness covering

A scared long necked bird,

The dreams that weren’t really dreams

But perfectly easy tasks for everyone else.

If I would die today

Maybe one or two would miss me

For a while at least, that is,

They'll cry a little, maybe a lot,

But after a while, they would forget

First the funny jokes I'd said

Then the crazy things I did,

Then the things I said I would do,

And never really fulfilled.

There were other things too,

They'll say,

That, after all, she conquered,

But the What if..?  And If I..??

Will always be left pending,

Did she make the right choice?

Was this really the best?

Unanswered questions,

Unfigured riddles,

That I know I'm not

The only one who's ever tried on.

Finally once in a while,

They will see my face in pictures,

A smile will lit their faces,

But nevertheless they'll keep moving on

For that's how the world works,

For everyone and everything.

So, should I die today?

Maybe not.

Maybe I should wait and see.

For how long?

I don’t know.

Until I grow older?  It would be the same, anyway.

I won’t leave anything important at that age.

Maybe I'll die of cancer, on an accident, or I kill myself.

Maybe I'll die in the middle of labor,

And then a purpose would be clear:  To bring another life into the world.

But, what will he or she be?  What dreams will it have?

The circle will start again?  Why not break it now?

I don't know; I'm scared.

I need structure, discipline.

Homework, projects, assigned tasks, deadlines,

SAT's, GRE's

Recommendation letters, work experience, pay per rate.

Good connections, sense of fashion, money, money, money.

One goal after the other.  And then another, another.

Nothing is enough.  Nothing is sufficient. I am not good enough.

And I will never be.

There will always be someone better or worse than me.

Then why work so hard?

Why wake up every morning, go to work, earn a salary?

To pay for water, roof, heat, food, electricity?

To be alive and keep functioning and keep working day after day?

My; what a dilemma.

I guess nothing would be lost in the equation

If I die.

Do you have a reason why I shouldn’t?

I need reassurance constantly.

Am I more than just a hot body, a good cook, a laughing girl?

Is there anything more in me than good sex, a good friend, someone who listens?

Maybe that's what I need to feel.

That somebody really needs me. 

That somebody really thinks that I am more than that.

Or maybe all I need is believe it myself first.

I used to do that so very well not so much ago.

But I also used not to for a long time before.

What's happened to me?

I keep looking inside of myself,

But all that comes out of those dark places is,

What would happen

If I die today.

 

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