I don't really know how to start
this off so I guess I'll just go with it. …
Ever since I was young I have
suffered with depression and low self-esteem. When I was four years old I was
sexually molested by a family member. It left scars on my heart, took my self worth and was branded in my memory. Even now, if I allowed myself, I could easily find myself lost in those old feelings. And they did come, at times when I least expected it. For such a long time I did not know how to handle those feelings. So, I pushed them down... way down. For a moment, a time I could pretend it never happened.
When I was sixteen, my best friend
was killed in a car accident. That pain was so horrific, I thought I would
never get through it. One person I loved and trusted molested me, my parents divorced and now my best friend I trusted and loved died. The old wounds were reopened as I tried to push this new raw pain down, deep down within me. There was no way I could carry this heaviness every day. I felt trapped, overwhelmed and alone. I would go to sleep at night thinking tomorrow has to be better than today. But, tomorrow would come and all the pain and wounds were waiting on me to put them own again. And then, soon after my friend died another wound was waiting for me.... I was raped by a guy that I had dated on and off for a while. My pain weighed so heavily on me I did not think I could breath. My heart was ripped
out of me. All the emotions, the pain, thoughts, nightmares and fears just kept building up inside of me. There was no place left inside of me to
put this new pain. I thought I might explode at any minute.
when it started...I tried to think of ways to make the
pain stop. No matter how hard I tried, the pain was there, in my face,
screaming at me. One day, I am not sure
why or how, it came it me, if I just make a little cut on my arm, maybe just
maybe it would take the pain away. The
first time I tried it felt like the pain would seep out through the blood. What
a relief. I finally found a way to relieve the pain, even for just a moment.
But, it would always come back, screaming louder, demanding me to cut again.
So, I started doing it more and more, sometimes as much as every other day. Every time I got upset or mad I would run to
the bath room anywhere I could and I would cut on my left arm. But, that’s not
the only place I would cut. I would cut on my left shoulder, my right thigh,
and both hips. I always kept a razor blade in my purse at all times.
By my senior year in high school I
was dating a great guy. He was just so
sweet to me! I finally felt safe enough to be happy. Maybe I can take that deep breath and enjoy my life. And then one day he just called
and said it was over. Nothing more. Just its over. I was devastated!! All the pain I had pushed so deep within me
came rushing up with a whole new set of pain, choking me. I had lost someone so special
to me. Just one more person I loved that hurt me. Once again I rushed to the one thing I could trust. The one thing I knew would relieve my pain; cutting. That morning was the worst cut I ever made. I cut deep because the pain was so deep. I will always carry a reminder of that day, a large scar on my left.
The thing about it
was I never once thought I had a problem. This was just how I managed my life.
A few years later I began dating a guy that I had
known off and own for a few months. I went to his house one night after a play
and once again found myself in a bad situation. He begged me to sleep with him and I kept
telling him NO. Finally, he forced me to anyway. I was raped. My world
started spinning, again - here came the pain, the feelings of betrayal, anger and fear….
I left his house and never looked back. On my way home that night I felt
so alone and I honestly wanted to run my car off the road. But instead I cut. I cut deep, I cut often, I cut and I cut, it
got worse and worse as if it consumed me. I knew something had to stop or it
would consume me for real. I decided enough was enough and it was time to find
another way to handle the pain. So, I reached out to my parents, youth pastor and youth leaders and got the help I needed. It wasn't easy. It was hard to face the truth and the look my parents in the face and tell them I was cutting. I wish I could say that all my issues went away immediately. No, I did not get better
over night. But admitting to myself that I could not handle my pain alone was my first step. Reaching out to my parents and other adults I knew cared about me was the next step. Then, the work began.Step by step I had to learn how to handle my anger, depression and frustration.
Fast forward a few years later, I am now 21
and happily married with a family. I still get angry, depressed and frustrated, and make mistakes. But, now I know how to handle my emotions. The best part is I did not learn to push down my old feelings of pain. Instead, I learned how to face my old pain and close the door on my past.
I know you might feel like no one
understands how you feel, but I do. That’s why I allowed myself to open the door to my past and share my story. I need for you to know that you are not
alone. I am here to take that first step with you. Please, please, if you find yourself somewhere within my words, my story, reach out to me, to someone. This can be your first step to freedom. To reach me, just email PIN and they forward me the information.