Every guy attempts to pickup girls. And every girl knows it from experience. I'm just the one who writes about it.
Something about being a 20-something, blond girl in NYC makes boys try ridiculously hard to talk my pants off. But hey, it happens to the best of us.
So here are all of my personal stories from the men who win me over with a smile to the creeper on the street asking to lick my toes (true story
). Every try at picking a girl up is documented on these pages. So read often and laugh hard. Then share your own stor
y, everyone out there must have at least one tale to contribute!
Everyone knows craigslist personals are a bad idea. But I decided to try it anyways. So after posting my ad (find the link in my last post), I waiting for the responses to roll in. The first 20 were actually quite normal. Charming men with good grammar and excellent email skills. Then the responses tapered off around midnight. After midnight the Craigslist Curve of Normalcy takes a sharp downward turn. The following are all responses I've gotten either today or yesterday night:
1) Tempting, but no.
"What's up missy, I'm actually one of those rare amazing guys that respond to a craigslist ad. I'm sure you already got tons of emails from fat old white guys that send you pictures of their small penis.
Read your ad...Cool, a woman that knows how to enjoy life-
especially since I don't plan on being your psychiatrist. What do I
want from you?
Expressive, I like women who's energy I can feel, if that makes sense to you. Honest, I hate flakes so if you say we're going to meet up you better show up. Short, you gotta be shorter than 5'10, sorry that's just my preference I'm sure you understand.
Anyway, I'm the type of man that understands that a woman's
sexuality isn't her "tits and ass"- so I'll take you up on your lunch
on a Wednesday and see if we click. I don't like playing e-mail tag, so
if you're bold then call me at 914-------1. If you're shy then just text me.
Picture is attatched, try not to drool too much over your keyboard. ;)"
I managed to keep my saliva in my mouth long enough to delete this
email. Fine line between confident and cocky... very fine line. And you,
sir, just crossed it.
2) Not the First...
"Let me just be the first to say you are truly awesome"
But I'll take it, because I'm awesome.
3) And My Favorite (mostly because I don't understand...
AYOAO OAOYOAY GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…………\. `~~~`,-l::\--/::::\. . `~~`./-,……………………………………………
…………..,-`::\\:://:::\: : : : : : :`````: : ::\………………………………………….
…………/: :\:::::::,-~`: : : : : : : : : :l`""-,.\...........All Glory To The Hypnotoad!
………,-`: : :`-~`: : : : : : : : : : : : : :\:::::`| \''\,…,…………………………………
……<,`,,__,,,,,,----~~~~----,_: : : : : `~~’..|:::\: `-,-~-,,…………………………
………….\. . . . . . . . ,,,__. . ``~--\: :,: : ::/../:::::\:_: : : \……………_,………..
…………...`-,. . . . . . . . . . ``. . . .,-`,-`: /.../-,:::::::::`~-,: :\.....,--~``::::::`~-,……
……………..\. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . `-,,,-`.,-`: :\::::::::\`~--`: :,.:::::::::::::::::::::`-,….
…………..,-``,~-,. . . . . . . . . . . . ,-~`,,-`,: : : :``~-,/: : ,-,,,/:::::::::::::-,,::::::::/…
……………\: :\`-,_`~----,,,,,,---`\\....,-`. . .|: : : : : : : : :\::::::::::::::::::,-``,,,-~`…..
…………….\: ,-\: :``~--,,,,,,---~```: . . . . .|: : : : -,: : : : \::::,--,._,,--`::,-`……….
……..,-----``,-`: : \:. . . . . . . . .`-,,-`. . . . .|: : : : : : `-,: : :`-`: :/``:::::,-`………….
……...``---,: : :’’’’’`-,`--,,. . . . . . . . . . . . . /``: : : : : : |: : : ,~`::,-~```,,_```~,……
……………``/: ,^,:<~-,_,-```~~<``,,```~~`: : : : : ,,-~````./::i~~-,,::`-,..``~--`……
……………./: /…`~,`~-,……,-~~``,--,-: : :,-~````……..`,,,/…….``-,::`,……….
Yes, all glory to the hypnotoad.
More coming soon!
I've decided to take dating into my own hands. I should be in control here, not whatever sick power in the world is sending me these crazy men and old geezers. So I posted my ad entitled "Not a psycho killer or a crazy stalker! Yay!"
Anyone have a guess for what kind of replies I'm going to get? Most creative response gets a high five! I'll be posting the real responses tomorrow. Keep posted. Trust me, these are good.
Unfortunately we're still stuck in the dark ages of dating. Men will continue to attempt rude and terrible pick ups and women will continue to shut them down one after another. All because a little help here and there is apparently sexist.
At least according to
every major media and news source in the country.
Pepsi came out with a comical iPhone app that places women into one of 24 stereotypes and then suggests a creative pickup line to convince that woman to sit down for a nice dinner. If you get a success- post it on twitter or facebook. If you fail, well you can't say Pepsi didn't try.
Unfortunately for the world of men, oversensitive women from coast to coast have been putting on their boxing gloves. Stereotypes?! Iphone Apps?!? Clearly, the most sexist thing in the universe. Right?
Wrong. Take a breathe and pull your panties out of your rear. Men need the help. Heck, just read the last two or three posts. Yes, their attempts are endearing but imagine how much suffering would be eliminated with a few guiding hints. Or at least how much fun we'd all have if we could share our stories and laugh about it (like I do). After all, the female population relies on Cosmo articles for tips in the reverse. "Gifts for each type of man," "sex positions for each type," "How to impress a business man," "How to snag a musician" and "How to best schmooze a salesman." Maybe the last one never existed, but still. We're stereotyping queens! Jesus.
We put every man into a box and figure out how best to date, rape and love him. Yet men look at one funny picture and HOLY HECK! It's time to cast the first stone.
That being said I'd like to say this. The iPhone app may have a lot of cheesy lines in it but there's a few gems too! I'm an artist myself and when I found this line meant to appeal to "artist chicks," I couldn't help but giggle.
"You know the Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. I wonder what else she shaves?"
My hypothetical response to a guy using this line on me
: Outright laughter followed by a witty remark and possible invitation to coffee. After all, I've never thought about it like that before. Now I wonder
The 1 train- a wonderful mixture of Columbia students and homeless men alike. Some of my favorite stories from NYC happened on those orange and yellow seats!
However, some rather unfavorable things have occurred as well. Like the time a crazy man started shouting "I'm going to kill you!" and ran (or, er, hobbled) after me, or the time I saw a man throw up and then had to pick my feet up to avoid the vomit every time the train lurches forward.
But worst of all was the Target trip to hell. From 110 to 225 (the only target outside Brooklyn) I had to suffer through a good 45 minute train ride. Bless you, 1 train
As soon as I hopped on I caught the attention of a well dressed hottie holding on to the same pole as I. Being pole buddies and all, it wasn't so far a stretch to say hello. So he leaned over (as much as he could in the rush hour traffic) and -quite boldly- introduced himself.
And I almost fainted. Super hottie man was talking to me!
We chatted about the usual. He was from the Midwest, I was an Ohian. He liked sports, I played them. Life was fabulous.
- "so where are you headed?"
- "uptown, my dad is in the hospital"
- "oh, I'm sorry to hear that"
- "yea, he's a hardcore alcoholic"
*well practiced sympathetic pout*
- "Well yea, so was I and then I got into some crazy sh**...... now our relationship is sort of on the rocks..... he still drinks... asked me to pick up a 40 on the way... then my ex girlfriend thought I was crazy..... tried cocaine once.... his room is really drab.... I used to think I was depressed...."
- *staring, slightly shocked*
-anymore- "then my mom left him.... and it was really hard growing up without a mom.... "
And the train just kept going. For another 25 minutes. And I kept staring, unable to get a word in edgewise, while he poured out his soul.
I'm so very glad I'm not Oprah.
Needless to say, when he asked for my number I just smiled, apologized and dashed out of the train as quickly as my little legs would go.
So I get emails now and again from people who are fans, or people who would like a date. I reply to all of them, excited to peak anyone's interest!
My blogger-buddy, Paul sent me a grand story of his attempt at a first date. Unfortunately it started out bad and went to worse, but you can't blame the guy in this situation! He was trying his best to impress (as all men are).
Chocolate was his dismal downfall.
Here's the story as he wrote it:
"A friend of mine was hooking me up with one of his good friends and he
told me hey dude this girl is pretty sophisticated alright .. dont mess
it was the day of the date and i was getting nervous, i talked to
her the phone twice but if you don't know much about the person what do
you say on the phone?
i went to 7-11 and bought a bottle of water and a candy bar i haven't had in awhile, charlston chews.
Outside was pretty cold so i turned on the heat in my car and drove
to her house. I busted open the charleston chew and started gnawing on
the chewy bar.. when i reached her house i took a deep breath and rang
her door bell.
Shes open the door, with a blank stare she said, "did something
happen," im like what? then i looked down my shirt and it was covered
with melting chocolate!
the damn heater melted all the chocolate crumbs onto my shirt.
I was so embarrassed to make matters worst she let me borrow her
brothers shirt for dinner and after we were done with our entrees she
said " looks like we're going to skip dessert aren't we?""
No dessert, but I bet he got a few laughs from the girl's friends :)
Read more of Paul's stuff- he's quite funny (www.mostlygrocery.com).
Although I just moved downtown, my favorite Starbucks will always be on 110 and Broadway. It's warm, busy and full of students typing away- the perfect environment for a day of work.
Today I made the trip all the way uptown and while ordering, a little memory hit me in the head.
It was before work and I was grabbing my usual Java Chip Frappuccino and giant M&M cookie when the guy next to me in line started grilling the cashier.
"Does it have milk in it? Do you have a non-fat option? How about soy, I read that soy was better? You have soy, great. Does the soy milk have saccharine in it? How about aspartame?"
The list went on and on. Either this 60 year old, squirrely professor had a bad set of allergies or he was just an absolute nut when it came to health.
I grabbed my sugary cookie (yum) and started cramming it into my mouth without paying much attention to the little man.
But in between huge bites of cookies bliss he turned to me, "are you a student at Columbia?"
- Tried to swallow a ginormous mouthful, unsuccessfully. So I gave up and shook my head 'no'.
- "Well you're a very pretty girl, why haven't I seen you around here before?"
- Intentionally shoving more cookie in my mouth this time. Non-committal shoulder shrug.
n- "That cookie must be sugar free, you're so petite!"
- "JAVA CHIP FRAP!"
- Upon seeing the mound of whip cream on top of my 500 calorie beverage his eyeballs popped out of his head, "you used skim milk right?"
And before I could control what was coming out of my mouth I looked right at the old health-crazy man and smiled a mischievous smile, "No, I like my milk fatty and my food sugary. Yet somehow I stay small.....weird, huh?"
The man's mouth fell to the floor and I walked away. I'm pretty sure he promptly had a heart attack.
Today I made up my mind to accept every date offered for the next few weeks. Any request for my phone number will get a card and any hello will get a wave back. I am officially on the market and I'm allowing myself to be picked up.
Right after I made this decision I was walking down Canal Street minding my own business when a guy holding a trash bag of fake Chanel bags caught my eye.
Guy "Hey Hottie"
Me (sticking to my commitment) "Hi"
Guy "Wanna F---?"
So I looked at the guy. Looked at my feet.
Then shook my head 'no'. I'll start saying 'yes' starting next time.
I forgot how much I love this city.
Last night I was walking through the East Village and considering it was a Friday night everyone was wearing their sexy-clothes and ready for a good time. I came across two girls discussing directions on the side of the street, heels on their feet and dresses up to their booties.
Enter car full of Jersey guys.
Jersey guy in passengers sea
t: "Hey did you guys ever hear the one about two peanuts walking down the street?
Scantily clad females
: (takes a while to register he is talking to them) "uh...?"
: "one of them was assaulted!!!"
"Get it!!!" (happily shouting) "ASSAULTED!"
(laughing so hard he can't even look up from behind the steering wheel.)
Guys in back seat:
(drinking beer while also laughing until tears rolled down their cheeks)
"That is the coolest guy in the world!"
Jersey guy in passengers seat:
(still trying to convince the girls of his humor)
"A-SALT-ED!" (manic laughter) "don't you get it???"
I wasn't lucky enough to see the end of the interaction but I'm guessing the girls did not hop in the car.
Or maybe they shared their own jokes (Q: "what's green and smells like paint?" A: "green paint!!!" haha!) and everyone had the most hilarious orgy known to man kind.
That's the happy ending -pun intended- that I'm sticking to.
When I used to work at Pinkberry we'd get all kinds of customers. Something about frozen yogurt and colorful aprons brings out the happy and crazy in people. So weird comments would just roll off my shoulders without another thought
This one day a girl came in with her dog stuffed in her bag and we happened to strike up a conversation. When we made it over to the yogurt section of the ordering process she kept joking with me and for a second I thought she had a face twitch. But she was friendly so who really cares about tourette's when everyone's happy?
When I asked her which flavor she wanted she answered, "Oh any of them. I love the taste of yogurt in my mouth" with a sinister sort of grin and another face twitch.
Then she left the store and I didn't think a thing about it.
Until my lesbian friend burst through the door in a fit of giggles. I guess there was no face twitch- she was winking at me (which trust me, will be an entire blog in itself- I get a crack out of winkers!) and was trying to make some sort of dirty reference involving yogurt. Clearly it went straight over my head!
But yes, I was officially hit on by a female. And I feel... special! :)
Gosh I missed New York while I was gone! I love the bustling crowds and slightly funky smell of the subway tunnels. It all feels so right
Today I was on the train coming home from a friends house. We pulled up to the station but everything was running really weird today . Like usual, when the train stopped everyone got up and crammed against the door. When it didn't open, we all kind of just stood there staring out at the crowd on the other side of the glass. Kind of an awkward situation altogether.
So everyone started looking at different things... their phone, their iPod, their hands. I pulled out my blackberry to attempt picking up service. That's when the guy next to me leaned over and said what sounded like an address, probably asking for directions. Since I had my headphones on, I yanked one out of my ear and looked at him waiting for him to repeat himself.
Then he said it again, "646-567-****" and I just looked at him, uncomprehending. What was this number he was giving me?
He must've been able to see the question on my face because he smoothly replied, "oh, I just thought you were pulling out your phone to get my number..."
was clever. Too bad he was about 40 and had some weird smells coming out of his mouth :(