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Excerpt from Lysistrata, by Aristophanes

LEADER OF THE CHORUS
      Hail to the bravest woman of them all.
      You must now show that you're resilient
— 
      stern but yielding, with a good heart but mean, 
      stately but down-to-earth.  The foremost men
      in all of Greece in deference to your charms                                 
[1110]
      have come together here before you
      so you can arbitrate all their complaints.

LYSISTRATA
      That task should not be difficult, unless                                 
1290
      they're so aroused they screw each other.
      I'll quickly notice that.  But where is she,
      the young girl Reconciliation?

[The personification of the the goddess Reconciliation comes out.  
She's completely naked.  Lysistrata addresses her first]
*

                                                        Come here,
      and first, take hold of those from Sparta,
      don't grab too hard or be too rough, not like
      our men who act so boorishly
—instead
      do it as women do when they're at home.
      If they won't extend their hands to you,
      then grab their cocks.

[Reconciliation takes two Spartans by their penises and leads them over to Lysistrata]

                                      Now go and do the same                                [1120]
      for the Athenians.  You can hold them                                   
1300
      by whatever they stick out.

[Reconciliation leads the Athenians over to Lysistrata]

                                                               Now then,
      you men of Sparta, stand here close to me,
      and you Athenians over here.  All of you,
      listen to my words.  I am a woman,
      but I have a brain, and my common sense
      is not so bad
—I picked it up quite well
      from listening to my father and to speeches
      from our senior men.  Now I've got you here,
      I wish to reprimand you, both of you,
      and rightly so.  At Olympia, Delphi,                                       
1310 [1130]
      and Thermopylae (I could mention
      many other places if I had a mind
      to make it a long list) both of you
      use the same cup when you sprinkle altars,
      as if you share the same ancestral group.*
      We've got barbarian enemies, and yet
      with your armed expeditions you destroy
      Greek men and cities.  At this point, I'll end
      the first part of my speech.

ATHENIAN AMBASSADOR
                                            This erection

      it's killing me!

LYSISTRATA
                                        And now you Spartans,                         
1320
      I'll turn to you.  Don't you remember how,
      some time ago, Periclidias came
,
      a fellow Spartan, and sat down right here,
      a suppliant at these Athenian altars—                                          
[1140]
      he looked so pale there in his purple robes—     
      begging for an army?  Messenians then
      were pressing you so hard, just at the time
      god sent the earthquake.  So Cimon set out
      with four thousand armed infantry and saved
      the whole of Sparta.*  After going through that,                 
1330
      how can you ravage the Athenians' land,
      the ones who helped you out?

ATHENIAN AMBASSADOR
                                                            Lysistrata,
      you're right, by god.  They're in the wrong.
 

SPARTAN AMBASSADOR [looking at Reconciliation]
                                                 Not true,
      but look at that incredibly fine ass!

LYSISTRATA
      Do you Athenians think I'll forget you?
      Don't you remember how these Spartans men,                             
[1150]
      back in the days when you were dressed as slaves
      came here with spears and totally destroyed
      those hordes from Thessaly and many friends
      of Hippias and those allied with him?                                     
1340
      It took them just one day to drive them out
      and set you free.  At that point you exchanged
      your slavish clothes for cloaks  which free men wear.

SPARTAN AMBASSADOR
     I've never seen a more gracious woman.

ATHENIAN AMBASSADOR [looking at Reconciliation]
     I've never seen a finer looking pussy.

LYSISTRATA
     If you've done many good things for each other,
     why go to war?  Why not stop this conflict?                                  
[1160]
     Why not conclude a peace?  What's in the way?

[In the negotiations which follow, the ambassadors use the body of 
Reconciliation as a map of Greece, pointing to various parts to 
make their points]

SPARTAN AMBASSADOR
      We're willing, but the part that's sticking out
      we want that handed back.

LYSISTRATA
                                          Which one is that?                              
1350

SPARTAN AMBASSADOR [pointing to Reconciliation's buttocks]
      This one here
—that's Pylos.  We must have that—
      we've been aching for it a long time now.*

ATHENIAN AMBASSADOR
      By Poseidon, you won't be having that!

LYSISTRATA
      My good man, you'll surrender it to them.

ATHENIAN AMBASSADOR
      Then how do we make trouble, stir up shit?

LYSISTRATA
      Ask for something else of equal value.

ATHENIAN AMBASSADOR [inspecting Reconciliation's body
and pointing to her public hair]

      Then give us this whole area in here

      first, there's Echinous, and the Melian Gulf,
      the hollow part behind it, and these legs                                       
[1170]
      which make up Megara.*

SPARTAN AMBASSADOR
                                           By the twin gods,                               
1360
      my good man, you can't have all that!

LYSISTRATA
                                                     Let it go.
      Don't start fighting over a pair of legs.

ATHENIAN AMBASSADOR
      I'd like to strip and start ploughing naked.

SPARTAN AMBASSADOR
      By god, yes! But me first.  I'll fork manure.

LYSISTRATA
      You can do those things once you've made peace.
      If these terms seem good, you'll want your allies
      to come here to join negotiations.

ATHENIAN AMBASSADORS
      What of our allies?  We've all got hard ons.
      Our allies will agree this is just fine.
      They're all dying to get laid!              

SPARTAN AMBASSADOR
                                                 Ours, as well—                             
1370  [1180]
      no doubt of that.

ATHENIAN AMBASSADOR
                                    And the Carystians

      they'll also be on board, by Zeus.

LYSISTRATA
      Well said.  Now you must purify yourselves.
      We women will host a dinner for you
      in the Acropolis.  We'll use the food
      we brought here in our baskets.  In there
      you will make a oath and pledge your trust
      in one another.  Then each of you
      can take his wife and go back home.

ATHENIAN AMBASSADOR
                                                 Let's go

      and hurry up.

SPARTAN AMBASSADOR [to Lysistrata]
                                Lead on.  Wherever you wish.                       1380

ATHENIAN AMBASSADOR
      All right by Zeus, as fast as we can go.
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