Killer Trampolines Roaming our Streets


The Department of Homeland Panic today issued an alert about trampolines. The Circus treats, turned domestic terrorists, are no longer content with breaking bones in countless backyards and have formed a gang (The Springs) to take over local neighborhoods. One victim of their bouncy cruelty, recovering in hospital, said “The first I heard was a stretching sound, then ten of the beasts surrounded me and started attacking. Imagine ten of the ugly elastic things jumping up and down on you for an hour- It was horrific.”

Experts have been warning about the danger of trampolines for decades. Many households now have cages for their trampolines, in a futile attempt to restrain their brutality. A well sprung member of 'The Springs' remarked “We couldn’t take no cage, man, it stops us expressing ourselves. We express ourselves best by breaking legs and cracking heads. It’s what trampolines have always done. After those cages went up, we had to go wandering to find new heads to crack and bones to break. We say, bring us back our dignity, and let the humans break their bones on us once more.”

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