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Trump Moves America towards Greatness: Builds Wall around self


 In a move widely welcomed by the Hispanic community, US Presidential candidate, Donald Trump, has suggested walling himself in:  “Let me be frank for           once in my life, though this wall will be small, like all other Trump properties, it will be classy. I’m thinking twenty feet tall, with “Trump” spelled out in                rhinestones and a flashing laser display. Trump, continued: “This wall will save America from a dim witted, serial bankrupt narcissist, and I’m getting me to pay    for it.  How smart is that?”

                                      A spokesembarrasment explained: “Donald feels that only he is good enough for his own company, so it’s not so much to save America, as to save Donald                                                from, as he puts it “the non classy” It's just such an honour to serve this man"


Antivaxers: Let’s stop this Genocide against Polio

Leader of the AntiVax movement, Tiffany Aura, today condemned the: “War to extinction against our old friend Polio, and our long time companion Measles, seems like only yesterday it was keeping the poor's population in check, now look at us, nine billion of us."

Ms Aura then led her congregation in a minute’s silence, to mourn the genocide of the Smallpox. ”Never again will we see that elegant virus, this we have lost forever.  An entire generation has grown up without it. We must stop this vaccination slaughter right now!! Viruses are people too!!, they have rights, and feelings.”

At this point some Ms Aura’s congregation looked a little uncertain, yet she continued; “What about anti bacterial soap? Every time we use it we condemn millions of innocent bacteria to their death, bacteria that help us make cheese. This is the tragedy I lay at the doorstep of Western medicine. Join me in my crusade, to save these precious, defenseless microorganisms.”



Homeopathy Ineffective in treating Gullibility

The Institute of Quantum Crystal Vibration, today published a review of homeopathic treatment for the gullible.  Announcing the results, a Spokesaura commented :  “Despite giving them distilled water and milk sugar in the tiniest dose, we found the subjects just as gullible after treatment, as before.  Several of our patients were signing up for time-shares and lottery tickets immediately after taking their medicine.”

Observers have described homeopathic hospitals as “honey pots for the credulous”.  As a result, Scientology recruiting agents, Aura readers, and a variety of religions have set up shop outside. Others enterprises were offering loans “as low as 1% a day”.  The Reverend Brimstone commented: “The gullible are a precious resource that all religions, right wing politicians, quacks and marketing gurus have to share.   We know that if we can find someone who believes that distilled water can cure cancer, we’ve found the right sort of person for our church.  Hallelujah!!, praise the lord.”





Apple Unveils iCar: Can drive between Apple stores.

Tim Cook today unveiled the latest iVanity; the iCar.   The car can only be recharged with iApple electricity, and only travel on Apple iRoads.  Executives said this was “to ensure that Apple buyers are safely ferried between Apple approved locations”


To give lucky Californians more options, Apple is building Appleville; a town filled with Apple curated people and pets.  Incomes must be high, and independent thought low. Every iResident must pay Apple 30% of their income each week, and cover their possessions in white plastic. Said one resident "It's Nirvana, even the fridge has an Apple logo on it. We're so happy here, we've genetically engineering the dog to bark "Tim Cook" and "Steve Jobs" at strangers. It will also rip the throat out of those not bearing the Apple logo, but that's OK. My neighbor must think different too, he has the same iHouse I have. "


Though the car is twice the price of competing models, it was declared by Applephile magazine  Wired as:  “The greatest idea ever, I am sorry I have but one life to sacrifice for Apple, I’m not worthy. Please marry me Tim Cook”


The tax evading, slave labor employing, consumer sucking, profit machine announced: "We are very happy with the reception of our latest                                                                           device, please  put your name down for delivery of a complementary product, after we read your review, of course."



Putin announces Merger of Russian Government and the Mafia: The Ruffia
Emperor Putin of Russia and Giuseppe Corleone today announced the merger of their two organisations.  A spokespistol for the new combined mob, the Ruffia, said. ”We’ve long had the same methods, an assassination here, a dab of extortion there, a little diversion of taxes to our friends.  We’re two organisations, but one mind.”

The Russ part of the Ruffia brings an entire army for enforcement, whereas, the Mafia could teach the old Russians a thing or two about running a business, and subtlety, Mr Corleone remarked “Shooting an airline down, and invading a country, I mean, what happened to finesse? And sometimes maybe it’s easier to get your money from say, heroin dealing, than trashing an entire nation.”

When Emperor Putin was asked if he was angling for the title of capo dei capi (Godfather) of the Ruffia, he remarked; “Nice country you’ve got there, pity if someone was to damage it, by, oh I dunno, accidentally nuking it.  That would be a real tragedy, wouldn’t it?”

The Ruffian minister for Invasion, Sergei "Fingers" Larentov, added: "You really should join our club, the Eurasian Union. Ukraine didn't join our club, and now they're all broken.  You wouldn't want that happening to you, now would you."



New Market for Guns: Armed Dogs

As the US is saturated with guns, with an average of one per man, woman and baby, creative thinking was needed by gun makers.  The Mexican drug gang market was drying up as customers become corpses. 

Guns for dogs was the answer.  Paw operated pistols are now the must have accessory for every US dog.  Unfortunate mall shootings when Fido became excitable near the meat counter were a small price to pay for a stronger America.  Only weak kneed liberals would worry about a few leg humping/gun shot wounds.  Replying to criticism from gun control advocates, a spokeshot remarked, “Dogs, babies, people, and soon fish (if we have our way), kill people, guns are innocent. Can I interest you in a machine gun, or perhaps a tow missile or two?"







New Eurocurrency- The Dither

The EuroParliament has unveiled a new currency more in keeping with the spirit of the EU; The Dither. Each Dither will be divided into ten Vagues, and three Summits. A seven and and half Bureaucrat coin will be issued for special occasions.

The French minister for blaming Anglo Saxons explained. “Soon we hope to issue our millionth regulation. What better way to celebrate? Truly, the Dither is a new beginning.“ He continued; “The present crisis is caused by the banks. How could they have been stupid enough to lend to us?”

Germany welcomed the announcement, and also indicated it would sit this new currency out. Chancellor Discipline boasted. “Ha Ha, someone else can bankroll the Italians, Spanish and French.  We're going back to what we do best; Producing overpriced cars and lecturing everyone about how to behave better.  No I don’t mean that ironically”



Google introduces new relationship navigation software

Google, the Mountain View search behemoth, is rolling out its new relationship
navigation software. Said one Beta tester; “In the first week after meeting Tiffany, I didn’t know whether I should be ringing her every day, hanging around her doorway in camouflage gear with a bottle of chloroform , or playing hard to get. I’d just bring up Google-lurve and the answer would be right in front of me.”

Another user of Google-lurve mentioned some of the down sides. “We were in bed, I thought I was making all the right moves, but I thought I’d check Google-lurve to make sure. Then I thought, why not check my email, and the shoe sale, and maybe an IM or two with Cathy. By the time I’d got up, Nathan had gone. Google-lurve recommended an…er…appliance as a lover, as it was the only thing with enough patience.”A Google spokesbyte replied; “What are you doing tonight baby?”





McDonald’s Introduces the “Bacon and Beef shake” for Customers too Lazy to Chew

 

Taking the hint from their customers, the fast food giant is introducing an all-liquid menu.   Gerry Kaldon, a McDonald's regular enthused: “When I go out to a restaurant, I don’t want to spend all my time chewing, my jaw muscles get sore. This is just great.  It could do with some more work though; my straw got clogged with bacon grease the last time.” Click here for more




Indian Government launches first robotic probe to explore the poor


Explaining the necessity for his country's first probe to the poor, Prime Minister Modi said: “The poor have always been with us, and if the Indian political classes have their way, always will be, but there is so much we need to learn about the poor- Can we, for instance, feed them dirt and still get them to vote for us? Click here for more...








Recession Over: Consumers Ready for More Rubbish

The world’s consumers are again ready to spend, spend, spend.  Kathy, putting the gross back into GDP gushed: “I’m getting that Armani toaster  I always dreamed of, I’m also lashing out on an iPad for the dog, when I can get it.  The dog’s jealous; after all, the cat has an iPhone.  Do you think the goldfish would look good in Yves Saint Laurent?”

Proving that rubbish accumulation is an equal opportunity sport, Mathew enthused.  “At last!, I was just waiting for the official news, now I can get that Jet ski, I’d been vaguely thinking about.  This will fulfill my lifelong dream of riding around the water in circles, while blasting eardrums to shreds. I certainly look forward to letting it gather dust when I get bored with it in a month’s time. It will keep the dune buggy, boat, and canoe, company.  Hmm, think I need a new garage, this one’s getting really cluttered.




Mid East Crisis now Permanent


After six decades of war, revolutions, insurgencies, missile launches and attempts to turn the region into radioactive slag, the Middle East crisis has been officially declared permanent. Media outlets will have “middle east crisis correspondents” that will be able to pick up the same child’s toy from rubble , scowl at the camera, and look sad anywhere from Iraq to Lebanon. Governments worldwide will have official middle-east-crisis-spokesbots which: “Deplore the present crisis and call for negotiation” As the message is unchanging, the robot in question will be a Barbie doll. The formula can be repeated daily at the UN, G8, EU Council of ministers and other impotent talking shops.  Asked about Israel versus Hamas, round 116, a German Spokesbarbie commented: “We call for a cooling off period. More...





Fruit Loops ashamed to be associated with American politics

The brightly coloured, sugar encrusted breakfast treat, the Fruit Loop, is to try and clear its name. Long associated with Pat Robertson, Glen Beck and an assortment of anti-vaxers, and ‘birthers’ it’s embarrassment was described as ‘terminal’  Claimed a bright orange spokescereal.  “All we want is to be processed, bleached a
nd then eaten.  Me and my fellow loops don’t claim that god is going to burn you if you go to the wrong church . That’s all human, not cereal” More...






Latest Vaccine Scare: Flu-Vax contains Bogeyman, Girl Germs.

The nation was today reeling from new scares about swine flu vaccine.  According to the normally reliable source, often quoted by anti-vaxers, “Some guy on the internet”, not only will the vaccine cause heart attacks, but is now implicated in the presence of the Bogeyman.  A spokesrumour for the anti-vaxers  exclaimed, “Arrghhh!! The Bogeyman!!!, run for your life. He’ll eat us all”. More...


Godzilla to be taken off “all Tokyo diet” urged to eat more New York and London

Everyone’s favourite post nuclear, destructive, mutant; Godzilla, was today urged to switch from his usual meal choice of choice, Tokyo.  A leading monster nutritionist commented “Godzilla has been dining on Tokyo skyscrapers and the Japanese since the 1960’s. Such a diet can’t be good for a growing monster and her brood of village destroying children. To avoid indigestion, she really needs to add some Brooklyn Bridge and Chrysler Tower to her diet.  A few extra plump Americans couldn’t hurt either.” More...


Emperor Putin wins “Election”

Vladimir Putin, the sole voter in Russia’s recent local elections, expressed surprise that he had

voted for himself.  Wearing an entirely convincing look of shock, Emperor Putin remarked-“Well of course I put up a good fight, but I was overwhelmed by the support I showed myself. This is a ringing endorsement of my policies, by me, I couldn’t be happier." More...





Afghanistan to be renamed War-O-Funland

In the spirit of realism, Afghanistan is to be renamed War-o-funland. Many tribal chiefs have complained that parts of their traditional lands have been at peace for weeks on end. Said
one “I wish all these foreigners would leave so we could resume our sacred traditions of killing each other. Killing foreigners and al Qaeda is just a distraction. More...





Celebs Embrace Conservative Values: George Clooney Opens “Burn the Rainforest” Rally

The Celebs union, that normally embraces left wing causes, has had a
change of heart. A Spokesnarcissus remarked “It’s easy enough to get people on side when you’re protecting baby seals. Convincing people to support your local oil company, now that’s a real challenge" More...




God in Bad Mood: Thousands Dead

After a terrible week of responding to prayers to “Kill the anti Christ Obama” and “Incinerate abortionists”, from God fearing Americans, HE was reported to be extremely irritable. The consequences of God’s bad mood for the poor and pious, in Indonesia and Samoa, were disastrous. More...




Killer Trampolines Roaming our Streets

The Department of Homeland Panic today issued an alert about trampolines. The Circus treats, turned domestic terrorists, are no longer content with breaking bones in countless backyards and have formed a gang (The Springs) to take over local neighborhoods. One victim of their bouncy cruelty, recovering in hospital, said “The first I heard was a stretching sound, then ten of the beasts surrounded me and started attacking. Imagine ten of the ugly elastic things jumping up and down on you for an hour- It was horrific.” More...



Murdoch declares humans “unworthy of reading my newspapers”

Taking his “Shaft the customer, and gimme some more money” strategy one step further, Chairman Rupert has declared the homo sapiens unworthy of reading anything News Limited puts out. 

Instead, “the piratical scum” as the Chairman affectionately terms the dominant mammal of planet earth, will be required to send $1 to himself and his offspring whenever they refer to news or have a news related thought.More...




Afghan war important for…er…um
The US and British governments today reaffirmed their commitment to the Afghan war. When asked why, The British Prime Minister said: “Yes I am feeling well today thank you, and the economy is looking up.”  Journalists trying to squeeze an answer out of the duo, tried Obama.  More...




Apple opens first church of the iPhone

Tim Cook announced what many had suspected for a long time; Apple customers were actually worshiping their products. “Many of our customers say a quick ‘Hail Jobs, blessed be the iPhone’ before bed, brings them closer to their Macs.” More...


Pyramid's Secret Revealed; Emits stupidity rays
At last the secret of the Pyramids can be unveiled.  Way ahead of their time, the ancient Egyptians had perfected the art of storing and transmitting stupidity.   Among those affected is “Mark” who claimed the pyramids were space vessels for intergalactic Druids.  He remarked; “That pointy bit at the end must be for traveling through the atmosphere.  What else could it be for?” More...






League of Paranoid Parents: “Toaster Use Can Lead to Satanism”

Fresh from their crusade against video games, mobile phones, rock music, and open
toed shoes (they lead to hard drugs, apparently), the league has set its sights on the moral misery caused by toast abuse.

One of the league complained, More...



Architects Propose Turning Cities into Giant Cubes

After the stunning success of modernism in placing humanity in glass and concrete prisons by day, and ugly beige boxes at night, architects are moving onto new frontiers
. A spokesdrawing for the Architects' Enslave Humanity Committee had this to say: “We've got you to build skyscrapers you hate, and live in aesthetic nightmares you now think are fashionable, it surely will not be too difficult to turn your cities into cubes. We just need to babble on about 'clean lines', give out a few awards for 'most soulless use of empty space' More...




New US Health Plan: Transfer Brains of Poor People to Robot Bodies and Sell their Organs

In an inspired piece of lateral thinking, the US Health Secretary has proposed a new way out of the US health disaster.  All uninsured poor people (the fastest growing demographic) will have their brains removed and placed in a robot body.  The cost of doing so will be recouped by selling their liver, kidneys and other assorted organs to the rich. 

The move is attracting bipartisan support.  A Republican commented More...




Tasty News Bites! Crunchy!


Cliche Watch: Empowerment: everything now officially empowering: e.g. I felt empowered walking the dog

Greece Proposes Retsina-Euro swap to avoid default

641st disease called the"Silent Killer".  Death by drum solo named as "very noisy" killer.


Cliché watch: Leverage; "I'm leveraged up to my eyeballs.  Any more leverage and we'll have to sell the kids."

Afghanistan latest: "peace with honour" promised

Top Model seen to eat complete slice of bread, without subsequent regurgitation:  Is she too fat?

Cliche watch: All women over 25, "feisty", all women over 40 "spirited"

Guntastic! US opens first Kindergarten light arms training  school. :"Can I Have a teddy bear and a 9mm Beretta" asks 5 year old

Cliche watch: "Best practice"  Al Qaeda rolls out best practice terrorism in Afghanistan

Dubai: Banks surprised tourist industry built around sand and desert a bit risky

Scientology triumphs over Satanism in the "Most evil religion" competition

Russia, Iran, Afghanistan form the "Totally legitimate elections, no really!!" alliance.

Israel and Arabs sign pact of perpetual warfare-

Pakistan moves from monthly, to weekly terrorist outrages

North Korea not poor: Has "fun sized" economy.

Ten page spread on cars costing more than your house.

Starlet Emerges from nightclub at 3 am, not entirely sober- World Shocked! pics page 3,4,5, 15 & 16


China  selects next billionaire to run communist party

Brad Bergle talks to mother:  Fans disillusioned Bergle not created by immaculate conception.

Russia agrees not to invade any countries this year-claims "Peace in our time- providing -our time is rather brief"

Local woman has disturbing thoughts when pet shop opens next to sex shop.

Boxer says: “Brin domage was wirth it, Incidentally, whets my gnome”

Latest Fundamentalist Fashion: A bag over your head

House and Garden ponders new way to make beige interesting.

North Korea opens new "Charitable foundation to promote nuclear proliferation and world conflict"- leads by example

200 kilo man feels good about the Diet Coke in his shopping trolley

Glacial melt increases sea level. Climate "Skeptics" label ocean "Anti American, leftist"

Pioneering surgery: Teenager and mobile phone separated


Starlet announces new hairstyle to breathless media

Life goals complete now that plasma television has been purchased

US networks unveil crop of sitcoms featuring fat husbands with hot wives

Starlet and Brad Bergle divorce: Site differences over "Breakfast Cereal Policy" as cause for split.  Starlet checks into self pity clinic.

Brad Bergle generates record corpse count in new film

Organic vegetables contain 10 times more smugness than normal vegetables

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