The Elephant Jokes: A Treatise

As told "back in the day" by Nili Gold 

Introduction

The key to telling these elephant jokes is timing.  They should be told in
quick succession not allowing the audience time to laugh (which they
will likely not be doing anyway) or to think through the meaning of
the jokes.  The longer you can keep the string going the funnier it
will be at the end when everyone realizes that none of the jokes were
very funny and you are a genius for putting them all together as you
did.  The basic set follows but further jokes can be found in the
appendices.  Tell as many as possible without stopping but always
finish with the two duck jokes.  The change of subject at the end
tends to throw the audience's rhythm off and initiate the actual
laughter (instead of the snickering and groaning you will get through
the early sections of the set).  Before telling these jokes, be sure
to identify the emergency exits and position yourself so that you
cannot be surrounded or cornered by an upset audience.  To increase
the effect of the joke set, find a reason to wander away form the
audience immediately after completing the last joke (going to get
another drink is always a good excuse).  This will add to their
confusion and heighten the comedic effect.  Most importantly, tell
every joke with the same tone, cadence and rhythm.  The deadpan
delivery is possibly the funniest part of the gag.

Q: What is the difference between a plum and an elephant?
A: Their color.

Q: How are a plum and an elephant the same?
A: They are both purple…..except for the elephant.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A: Here come the elephants.

Q: What did Jane say? (Presumably you just told the Tarzan joke so you
don't need to say "coming over the hill" but I suppose it is an
option)
A: Here come the plums…….  She was colorblind.

Q: Why do elephants paint their testicles red? (In more polite
company, toenails can be substituted for testicles)
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: See, it works.

Q: What is the loudest sound in Africa?
A: Giraffes eating cherries.

This joke can be followed by more "See, it works" jokes or by the
pygmy jokes.  The pygmy jokes follow here, the "See, it works" jokes
can be found in Appendix A.

 Q: Why don't the pygmies go into the cherry orchards at noon?
A: That's when the elephants jump down for lunch.

Q: What is the sticky stuff between elephant's toes?
A: Pygmies who went to the cherry orchards at noon.

Insert as many other elephants as you can (time and crowd morale
permitting) here.  Be aware of the mood of you audience because if you
go on too long, you will lose them and the finisher will have no
effect.

Always tell this set last.

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?  (At this point people might wonder
why you moved on to duck jokes which you could use as a comedic devise
for a one liner inserted here)
A: To stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have (big) flat feet?
A: To stamp out burning ducks

Addendum

One last note.  If at all possible, someone should force you to tell
the jokes.  Arrange with someone who has already heard the jokes to
ask you to tell the elephant jokes again.  Decline politely suggesting
that they are not all that funny and you don't really like telling
them any more.  When the person insists, acquiesce and claim that you
will only tell a couple of them (either because you like the requester
or because you want them to stop pestering you).  If you argue for a
minute or two about it, a crowd will form and you will have a well
primed audience ready for something really great (too bad they are
just getting the old elephant jokes).  Remember, this will always be
funnier to you then it is to the audience… the joke is really on them.

Good luck.

Appendix A:  Further Elephant Jokes


Q: Why do elephants wear sneakers with yellow soles.
A: So they can hide upside-down in bowls of pudding.

Q: Have you ever seen a elephant in a bowl of pudding?
A: See, it works.

Q: Why do elephants wear green felt hats?
A: so they can sneak across snooker tables.  ("snooker" can be
replaced with "pool" if your audience is not familiar with the game)

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant sneak across a snooker table?
A: See, it works.

Q: Why do elephants travel in herds?
A: To get bulk discounts on yellow soled sneakers and green felt hats.

Q: How do you get an elephant into your refrigerator?
A: Open the door, insert the elephant, close the door.

Q: How do you get a giraffe into you refrigerator? (if you are lucky
someone will quote the answer to the last joke replacing "elephant"
with giraffe and they can then be derided for forgetting to remove the
elephant)
A: Open the door, remove the elephant, insert the giraffe, close the door.

Q: How can you tell that an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
A: There are footprints in the butter.

Q: How many elephants can you fit in a Volkswagen bug?
A: Five, two in the front, two in the back and one in the ashtray.
(people will expect you to say one in the trunk but that is what makes
it funny)

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino!?

Appendix B: Elephant Joke Web-sites 

I got the ones I use form a friend's book
in Junior High but many of them are repeated out there on the world
wide weird.

St. Cronan's School
Fr. Sean's Elephant jokes!
Adrian Barnett's Web Page
AHAJOKES.com

I am sure there are many more sites with great elephant jokes.  Feel free to search the web for hours and hours in search of more.  Your friends will love you for it!