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Favorite Quotations

WARNING:  If you are a liberal snowflake, younger than 21, do not have a sense of humor, or are easily offended by written words, STOP READING AND GO ELSEWHERE!

We've all heard quotations over the years that are either just humorous or we like for whatever reason. Some are on bumper stickers, some are used in tag / signature lines on web forum posts. Here's some of the ones that I like.

  • "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is probably not for you." 
  • "Political correctness is tyranny with manners." - Charlton Heston (1924-2008) 
  • "The good thing about Alzheimer's is waking up next to a new woman every morning. The bad thing is not being able to remember what to do with her." 
  • "I have a .45 and a shovel. I don't think anyone is gonna miss you." -- a line from some movie where a boy is meeting the father of the girl that he wants to date
  • "Close" only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and nuclear depth charges -- Navy saying
  • "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it." - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) 
  • "A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965) 
  • "I love the smell of napalm in the morning... It smells like VICTORY..." -- paraphrase from the move "Apocalypse Now"
  • “The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.” - Winston Churchill
  • "Most problems in life can be solved by sufficient quantities of high explosives ... or penicillin..." 
  • "I brought your ass into this world and I can very well take your ass out." -- supposedly Bill Cosby School of Child Rearing, but I'm pretty sure that I heard it in this version prior to Bill Cosby's (cleaner) version
  • “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain
  • “All I can say is that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” - Winston Churchill
  • "So many pedestrians ... so little time ..." -- Bumper sticker on the back of a beat-up truck 
  • "Most problems in life are caused by people who just don't get laid enough. So, the next time you encounter someone that is giving you grief, just smile at them and say, 'I know where you're coming from.'" 
  • Teamwork is essential -- it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
  • The vast majority of aviation accidents are caused by running out of altitude, airspeed, and ideas, all at the same time. 
  • "Without Freedom of Thought, there can be no such thing as Wisdom; and no such thing as public Liberty, without Freedom of Speech." -- Benjamin Franklin
  • "When in doubt, use a bigger hammer." -- USN repair technique 
  • “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.” - Isaac Asimov
  • "I seldom make plans for the day because I don't like the way that they throw around the term 'premeditated' in court." 
  • "The Three 'F's of Economics -- If it flies, floats, or fucks, it's cheaper to rent than to buy." 
  • Si vis pacem, para bellum -- If you want peace, prepare for war 
  • When you fill out your income tax forms at the end of the year, look and see how much money you have given the government throughout the year. Then, take a moment to ponder -- has the government done $X worth of stuff FOR you or TO you this year? I tend to believe the latter... 
  • "AND SO THE LORD OF THE UNDERWORLD PROFFERED A PESTILENTIAL PLASTIC PISTOL TO MANKIND, TO WHICH THEY FLOCKED LIKE SHEEP" -- Browning 19:11
  • "Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. Moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue." -- Barry Goldwater 
  • Always remember to pillage before you burn. 
  • Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  • “Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.” - Winston Churchill
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 
  • A computer won't stop you being an idiot, but it'll make you a faster, better idiot. 
  • Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
  • "God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." - Voltaire (1694-1778)
  • "If there were no priests, people would be more religious." - Voltaire (1694-1778)
  • "Black holes are where God divided by zero." - Steven Wright
  • Some people are like slinkies. They aren't good for very much, but they make you smile when you push them down the stairs. 
  • A life without regrets is not funny. 
  • What happens in Vegas, STAYS in Vegas -- unless some idiot posts it on Facebook. 
  • What part of "SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED" are these leftists just too damn stupid to understand? 
  • "Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." - H. G. Wells (1866-1946) 
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