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Cutscene - Schism

Aki has always been a better person than me. Maybe that's why he got the god and I got the mortal.

I wasn't a good kid, growing up. It was mostly Aki that kept me on the straight path. I used to think I was owed something for the kind of life I had, that it was okay for me to take advantage of a society that'd always put me last. It was okay for me to lie and cheat and steal from normal people, cause they had everything I didn't.

I stole a doll for Miki once. Didn't we deserve it? Shouldn't we be able to take what we wanted, to make up for what fate didn't give us? I used to think so. If we didn't look out for ourselves, who was gonna?

Miki had a lot of trouble when she first started school. She couldn't make friends. Nobody wanted to hang out with a girl like her, with her weird white hair and her lack of family. We didn't have what the other kids at school did. I just thought if she had something nice, it might fool the other girls into thinking she was like them.

Aki beat the shit out've me for it. Made me take it back and apologize. I didn't want to, but I did because... I thought maybe we'd get something for being honest, you know... for coming clean. What we got was the worst beating of our lives. Motherless brats, he said, without anybody to teach 'em about decent society and laws.

Aki still insisted we did the right thing. I agreed with him aloud, but really it just made me mad.

The anger got worse when Miki died. What cut me up most was thinking about how nobody cared, 'cept me and Aki and some of the people at the orphanage. It was hard going out after that, looking at the rest of the world going on with life, not giving a shit about Miki being dead, or about the people like us. It made me want to take what I could from them. I hated the kind of life we were born into, where some people got everything, and some people died like Miki. Not even getting a chance.

I still think that's why It happened that way. I shouldn't have come into a Persona, feeling like that. Putting on a nice face, an acceptable one, for Aki and the rest of the world, but feeling ugly inside. But I did come into one. And when I finally realized what that meant, I was ecstatic. Like, really happy. Happy for good reasons-- I could prove myself, I could make something of myself, I finally had that chance-- but happy for bad reasons too.

I was finally better than everybody else. Life owed me for my circumstances, and it'd delivered.

I kept on pretending I was good and responsible. But going out, walking around normal people, I caught myself thinking... well, thinking what I could do to them. How great I was now. They always looked down on me before-- when they bothered to even notice me. But they were nothing now. They couldn't hurt me even if they tried. Riding the train back home to the dorms after class, half-asleep from late nights climbing Tartarus, I used to entertain myself watching the other riders, thinking I could kill them without even bothering to fully wake up first. Wondering if they'd still give me those judging looks if they knew.

Those kind of thoughts scared me. But I couldn't just 'pull' all the resentment up out of me like a weed. So I pushed it down hard, instead. In retrospect, knowing what I do now, I pushed it down way too hard.

It was about that time, when Kirijo-san took real legal guardianship of us and we left the orphanage, that they finally told me about my parents. Or about my mother, anyway. They didn't know what had happened to my father. I found out she killed herself when I was one, rather than stick around to be with me. I couldn't understand what could have been so bad for her, that she'd leave me behind on purpose like that.

I was still wondering that when we went on that last mission.

We were in a kinda bad part of the city. But still a residential part. Consciously, I did care about where we were. I did care about not hurting any of the people in the the buildings around me. All my secret feelings were just that-- secret. I never -really- wanted to hurt anybody. I did care whether or not I might turn some kid's life into a mirror of mine.

But when I called Castor, I guess there was some unacknowledged part of me, some part buried deep, that did not quite-- care-- enough--

I used to be a lot more fun than I am now. I used to be somebody who didn't feel anything by halves. I used to tease and laugh. I felt a lot of resentment, but I felt a lot of good things too. I really was gonna make things better for myself and Aki. I was gonna do it legit; all my black thoughts were, in the end, just thoughts. But after the accident, I gave that up to punish myself. I boxed it up and put it away, and I made a new personality, one that wasn't easy to live with, so I could feel the discomfort of it every day. Knowing what I do now about how Personae work, that was another mistake. It just made things worse.

But I thought it was necessary at the time. Cause I couldn't blame what happened on any freak loss of control, or any random chance. Castor acted on -something-, and that something had come from me. The only person I could blame was me.