Cats: I'm Pawsitive This Is a Fever Dream

The date is July 18, 2019.  It's Comic-Con and a bunch of new trailers are being released.  Nothing could prepare us for what happened next.  A trailer for the upcoming movie, Cats, is released and it hits the internet like a hurricane.  Ever since I first watched that semi-horrific, two and a half minute trailer, I was perplexed and shocked.  I re-watched it a bunch of times to make sure I wasn't having a fever dream.  Did I die and this was the final test to get into the afterlife? Was this some elaborate prank pulled to release a trailer more frightening than It Chapter 2?  If this was a real movie, how in the hell did these actors get forced into this movie?  How long were their families held captive?  The reaction around the internet was exactly the same.  After watching the trailer, I knew one thing was certain: I had to see this movie.  This felt like a quest.  No one would see it with me, until my best friend texted me, after months of asking him, and he said he'd go.  We went with someone else, just in case we didn't make it.  At least we would have a witness.  When the movie ended, I had a bunch of messages on my phone that basically said the same thing: "Why?" Because I felt obligated to.  I had been talking about this movie for months and for me to not see it and review it would be a great disservice to you guys.  I felt like Justin Chatwin's character in War of the Worlds when he was trying to convince his dad to let him see the army attack the aliens.  To quote his character, ¨I need to see this.¨  Now my friends, it is time to dive into the enigma that is Cats.

Cats is directed by Tom Hooper and (somehow) stars Francesca Hayward, Dame Judi Dench, Idris Elba, Jason Derulo, Rebel Wilson, James Corden, and Ian McKellen.  When Victoria (Hayward) is abandoned by her owner, she encounters the tribe of Jellicle cats.  On this night, one will be chosen to ascend to the Heaviside Layer and come back reborn.  In English, a tribe of cats is going to decide which one dies and gets reincarnated.  With all of that out of the way, let's get started.  Keep in mind, this review will be all over the place.

I'm in shock.  Pure (purrr? sorry) shock.  How in God's name did this get made?  I'm amazed a studio was willing to spend $95 million (you read that correctly) on this.  I'm saying this as a positive.  It's a miracle this thing came out.  In a sea of superhero movies, endless sequels/ reboots, and whatever the hell the Fast and Furious franchise is, a studio decided to get hundreds of people together and make this movie.  On top of that, they got an A-list cast.  What timeline are we living in?  I'm writing this review on my laptop in a stupor.  I am so glad this thing exists.  This is something we can show our children and say, "There was a time when a studio thought this was what the world needed." The best part was that it was released the same day as Star Wars.  That says either two things: the studio knew it would tank and hoped it would happen quietly OR (and I really hope this one is true) they were so full of themselves that they thought this movie had a chance to contend with one of the biggest movie franchises in history.  It's beautiful in a way.  

All kidding aside, there are a few good things about this film.  When the trailer came out, everyone was horrified.  Why did the cats have human faces? Why were they so weird?  The good news is that the fur on the cats (for the most part) looks very nice.  The effects in that first trailer weren't ready to be shown.  It looks like real fur.  The performances are pretty good too.  This is the film debut of Francesca Hayward, and, while that's tragic in a way, she does a pretty good job with the material she's given.  It also helps that she's a fantastic dancer.  Idris Elba plays the villain, Macavity, and hits all the notes correctly.  Granted, he can be a bit over the top at times, but that's the least of this movie's problems.  Ian McKellen plays Gus, an old theater cat and-, my God that hurts to type out.  He's in a completely different movie.  He's taking it a little too seriously, but I commend him for it.  I also really liked the set design.  I don't know how much green screen was used, but it didn't look like too much.  There seemed to be a lot of practical sets that the cast could interact with, which was nice to see.  I watched a behind-the-scenes video a few months back and the sets were designed from the perspective of the cat.  When they were filming, everything was giant.  All the doors, chairs, and utensils seemed to be built which I think is pretty interesting.  Yes, the size consistency isn't the same over the course of the movie, but this is Cats we're talking about.  The dance choreography was pretty good as well.  I heard that all of the actors went to a cat school, which was a choice, and I wonder how long did they teach them to dance for?  I knew Francesca Hayward was a dancer, but what about everyone else? The music, particularly ¨Memory", ¨Beautiful Ghosts¨ (a new song for the film adaptation), and ¨Skimbleshanks: The Railway Cat¨ are pretty catchy.  Jennifer Hudson sent shivers down my spine singing "Memory."  It's just that she looked ridiculous singing it.

It may look like I wrote a lot for the positive section but keep in mind, this movie isn't good.  It's its own thing.  I honestly feel like this movie was an experiment to see if a studio would make it.  I talked about the plot in the beginning of this review, and while that is what this film is about, Cats is basically just a two hour introduction of other felines.  Some stuff does happens, but it's mostly an introduction.  Also, it seemed like everyone. Got. A. Song.  There's a boat cat, Growltiger (Ray Winstone), who maybe has a collective screen-time of two minutes.  As soon as he started talking, I thought he's gonna start singing about himself.  As if the movie heard me, he started singing.  Yes, I know it's a musical, but I like making fun of this movie.  While the fur is nicely detailed, the other CGI is baffling.  There are cockroaches with human faces (yes, you're reading ALL of this correctly) that looked like a Snapchat filter.  They were introduced soon after the mice with children's faces were shown.  I mentioned earlier that the effects were improved since the first trailer.  While that is true, these freaks are still haunting to look at.  This isn't an uncanny valley my friends, it's an uncanny crater.  The way they move and nuzzle up to each other was VERY unsettling, especially during the Taylor Swift scene.  She's in the movie for about five minutes and drops a can of catnip on the crowd.  As a result, they start spazzing out and getting very, um, aroused because of it.  It's very, very weird.  Before the movie came out, I read an article saying the studio was going to send out a version of the movie with better effects (we are now getting video game DLC with movies now, it seems).  I don't think my theater got it.  Most of the cats' bodies are covered with fur, except for their hands.  Nowhere is this more obvious then in a shot towards the end where we could see a wedding ring on Judi Dench's finger.  Not a cat ring, no, a human ring.  This makes sense because Tim Hooper said at the premiere that he finished editing it 36 hours before.

In conclusion, Cats was an experience to say the least.  It had decent effects, pretty interesting set designs, the choreography was cool to look at, there was some good music, and most of the performances were adequate.  The only issue is that it's basically a two hour long introduction, some of the CG is haunting, and the movie is a complete fever dream.  The odd thing is, I enjoyed watching it.  Is it a good movie?  No, not by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm glad I got to watch it.  It's kind of refreshing to see something this weird be made into the movie.  This five month journey has paid off.  There were some people in the theater who genuinely enjoyed it and I think that's great.  Film is subjective.  There's no right or wrong with it.  It's hard to come up with a rating for this movie.  I wanted to give it a five, but I gave Rise of Skywalker a 5-5.5.  Yet again, they are two completely different movies and that film made me angry for other reasons.  If I were to rate it, I'd give Cats a 4-4.5/10.  I feel at peace with myself now.  I honestly don't believe we'll ever see a movie like Cats again.  Whether that's a good thing remains to be seen!