Featuring Readings in Two Flavors, for the Doubly Involved.

 


 

Zodiac

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Gemini

Do you really want to wear your hair that way? It makes your nose look like a grapefruit. No, I'm not kidding. Take a look in the mirror. Make a new start... in Berlin. I know that you don't know how to speak German. But then again, you don't exactly speak English, now do you?

Cancer

Whatever it is, I'm against it! I've been against it since you first commenced it. I know you think this might work, but you haven't got a clue. Now tell the parties involved that the deal is off. Carpet lint is more carcinogenic than second-hand smoke, so quit your bitching.

Leo

Fear. Sweat. Shoes filling with blood. The number that you've reached has been 'temporarily' disconnected. Simon says die. Chill. Wet. Substitute action for discussion. Amazed at the maze and crazed. Lowering your expectations should not be considered an accomplishment.

Virgo

Dear Sir or Ma'am. You are now at 90 day charge-off status. If you continue to remain delinquent in your payments, I will be forced to take FURTHER ACTION. Please recognize that you will be liable for the BALANCE IN FULL plus any and all expenses needed to secure the collection of this debt. COME CURRENT.

Libra

Let's you and me do some hard, hard livin'. Let's keep on sinnin' until we can't be forgiven. I'll grab a hooker and you grab a sailor. We'll make a video tape in our trailer. I'll pretend to notice, if you pretend to care. Wisconsin: Smell Our Dairy Air.

Scorpio

You truly are the scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the swimming pool. Avoid using your lungs to eat. A new wardrobe? Surfing the net? The Juice is innocent. You know it. Now do something about it. Spermicidal foam does not work. Say hello to Dan for me.

Sagittarius

Nothing, nada, nyet. That's all you're going to get. Winner breaks and loser rolls. I paid for gas. You pay for tolls. If this is the worst thing that ever happens to you, you must be living right. Authorities are monitoring your electric usage and know what hydroponic devices are for.

Capricorn

I feel honor-bound by you and what you stand for. On the other hand, I think Velveeta is really a cheese. Some people say that the legal definition of cheese has a chilling effect on further innovation. Other people say that without a legal definition of cheese, all of us would be eating soy bean curd lightly tainted with a food flavoring partially derived from dehydrated milk. I'm not sure.

Aquarius

Speed, protection and firepower. Time to change the locks.Dye your hair. Change your phone number. Tell your landlord you're breaking your lease. Avoid foodstuffs that you personally did not prepare. Practice sleeping in you car. Paranoia is your only friend.

Pisces

I can see up your dress all the way to Nebraska. You showed me yourself, and I didn't even ask ya. Now you say that you're not interested. Well, alright. Times change. Your expectations realign. I get better looking all the time. Study Aquarius message, you little tease.

Aries

Go drown in your own puke, you bombastic blowhard. Your supposed spiritual journey ends in taking cold medicine. A human bottle rocket sans the stick, you twirl in flashy circles only to explode in the vicinity of the neighbor's trash cans. Enjoy it while it lasts. It will soon be my turn to enjoy.

Taurus

Bob Dole lost. So sad, too bad and on with it. What were you thinking? If you could be so kind as to take down all the campaign posters you hung, I'm sure your neighbors would appreciate it. I'd ask you to take down your Xmas lights from last year, but what's the point. Get a job.

Chinese

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Rat

There is no God. There is no justice. You're in Hell. Other than that, everything's fine. There's no school today. Maybe school's out forever? You've stopped learning, anyway. Now that you've bought the computer, what are you going to do with it. Lucky number is twenty something.

ox

Become familiar with the following words: pissant, peon, henchman, flunky, toady and go-fer. Suck up or be spat out. Moon is in your sun house, but sun is in the outhouse. You have tremendous talent. Powers that be have more luck and hate you. Move on.

Tiger

Time to visit the dentist. Yep, that's what we call an abscess. Root canals are nearly painless nowadays. Pain in the molar is more than just a popcorn husk. Discoloration around the gum line is more serious than it looks. You don't know it, but you are allergic to Novocain. PainCity.

Rabbit

Trust in not his name, nor his works. When in doubt, think of him. Curse the darkness and strike a match. He is there within the blue of the flame. They have called him many things. Someone one did a comic book about him in the 1940s. If you want his help, you must burn down the Dixie Q.

Dragon

Shouldn’t there be a word for people who ‘Can’t Spell’. And I mean a nasty word. There’s a nasty word for people who are overweight, a word for each and every minority and for each and every person with a deficiency or deviance. Where do these ‘Can’t Spell’ people climb off?Especially here in the world of Word Processors? These people need a nasty word. Something they can’t spell. By they way, got your E-mail.

Horse

You cannot both rip me off and continue to serve me. It’s one of the two. Take a look at the check in your hand. Cash it, and our business is done. Forever. If you would like to continue doing business, send it back to me and I will think of a way for us to do so.In any case, may I state without reservation that you really do suck at what you do.

Sheep

Yet another objective delayed. I guess dressing well is important. It is nice that you look the part. If this was a movie, you would definitely merit the role of ‘featured extra’. Unfortunately, this is your life. Jungle gym naked escapades do not make you interesting, they make you cheap.

Monkey

Let’s talk about the ‘cat’ dream. The objective of this dream is for you to drive the cat out of sight. The cat signifies all of your enemies. If you touch the cat, you lose. I know you have cats. I have cats, too. But cats in dreams mean something different. Enemies now think you are a fresh bowl of tuna. We both know that you’re a chestnut tree.

Rooster

By blowing hot and cold at the same time you have forced me to choose a preference. Your words blow ice, saying no. Your fingers trace out what you would like me to inflict your anatomy with. The very breath you expel stings warm and wanting. I’m going home now to wash the mace from my eyes.

Dog

Bugs have been with us for millions and millions of years. The term ‘bug’, in and of itself is not particularly scientific. You are right in assuming that those things you found scrambling away when you turned on the kitchen light last night are ‘bugs’. You are wrong in assuming that playing the light rock station blaring loud will kill them off.That will only kill your houseplants, as you now know. And Mrs. Murphy from two doors down.

Pig

You didn’t say anything about the dogs. The electric fence, I took care of. Ditto the alarm system and the razor wire. The cops andthe firemen were still responding to those packages we set off. Everything was going so well. But you didn’t say anything about the dogs. Really, you didn’t.