Disclaimer: Mr Fun's opinions do not represent the stated, unstated, misstated, overstated or greatly needing liposuction opinions of the Thrills of Modern (?), its advertisers, its printer, the institutions which distribute [Insert Name of Periodical], the people who man these institutions, the printer's union, the paper manufacturer, the ink manufacturer, the trees from which the pulp was hewn, the descendants of Mullah Raulof Hamid, the refuse engineer who hauls it all off to the dump, the ground from  the tree that made the pulp, nor the force which separated light from darkness. Nor are his opinions his own. Instead, they are leased under a dollar a year treaty from the Algonquin Indians.   

And no, by the by, you may not build a casino on them.   

So stop calling, Squanto.

Mr Fun:

I just started looking for work after having been laid off for the last year or so. My former employer gave me a pretty good severance so I didn't feel the need to reenter the job market right away. Now that I'm back in the market, I find that employers are turned off by how long I've been out of work.I feel that my resume and my previous employment history are pretty good. Do you have any suggestions?

Betty From Sunnybrook Farm

Betty:

If I've told you this once, I've told you it a thousand times. It's not the resume that's the problem, it's that third eye. You have to get rid of it or cover it up with make-up or something. And then there's that lingering stench of sulfur. Bonnie Belle perfume is just not covering it up. Try Charlie. As for the leathery bat-wings, you might want to consider looser fitting clothes.

Mr Fun:

I caught my 18 year old daughter in bed with some guy. I flew into a rage and chucked the guy buck naked into the street.When I told my wife about this, she just rolled her eyes. We have younger children living with us. I don't want them to see this going on under my roof. Am I being old-fashioned?

Duddy-Fuddy.

Duddy-Fuddy:

I don't know if you're being old-fashioned or not, but you didn't have to be so rough about it. Tell your daughter I want my trench coat and black tights back.

Mr Fun:

My husband leaves dirty clothes all over the place. He picks up nothing! He won't take out the garbage. On weekends he doesn't bathe or shave. I'm sick of seeing him in his underwear. What can I do?

Desperate

Desperate:

Shut your cake-hole and make this man a chicken pot pie from scratch. Now! Hubby is clearly spent at the end of his work week. Once his week is over, he dutifully hands you his paycheck and he's done until Monday. His only joy in life seems to be hanging out with you. He's 'a catch'. So far, he's comfortable. And keeping him that way is your primary job in this life. The last thing this guy needs is 'women's work'.

What little sympathy I have for you will vanish completely if it should turn out that you don't work. And don't give me that 'full-time Mom' crap. 'Mom' is a part-time job, and a minimum wage one, at that.If you don't have time to clean up because of the kids, then put one or more of them up for adoption. Get your priorities straight!

Mr Fun:

I am a paralegal at a Michigan Avenue law firm. For the past few years at my firm, Fridays have always been casual days. I think some people abused this. Last week casual days were cancelled for everyone except the lawyers. The lawyers are still parading around in ripped jeans and dirt-spotted tea shirts. I don't think that it's fair that the rest of us have to dress up while they still get to be like slobs. I'm ready to quit! What do you think?

C.H.

C.H.:

I think it's time for you to complain to high heaven. How dare these lawyers act like they're better than the staff they employ! Who do they think they are? So what if they got good grades in school, scored well on the LSAT and passed the bar. You know how to type! Of course you're their equal in every way.

By the way, you'd look good in a paper hat. Practice saying "Would you like fries with that?"

Dear Mr. Fun:

I attend Community College at night. I am going for my food-service hospitality certification. There’s this guy in my refrigerated food reconstitution class that is always eating. It really disturbs me. There are signs all over the place that say ‘No Eating, Drinking or Smoking.’ I know the guy might work days and be hungry and all that, but this isn’t the first problem I’ve had with this student. Should I have the Instructor get after him again?

The Future Mr. Chef

No Future:

First, you didn’t like the taps on my shoes. Then, you didn’t like the way I smelled. Then, you didn’t like me showing up to class in my trench coat and black tights. I’ve done enough worrying about your needs. One more word out of you and you’ll be chewing your own teeth, cookie.

Mr Fun:

Why do men say stupid things like "you'd be perfect if you were shorter?" Why do men always want to tell me every single stinking detail of their life on the first date? Why do men obsess on a woman's weight? Why do men who are just barely making it claim to be 'successful'? What do men really want? Where are all the nice men?

Trish.

Trish:

If you don't like Stucky's, don't hang out there. All of the guys at the lunch counter are real sick of your snobby attitude. Why don't you waddle on over to Cracker Barrel? I'm sure there's a real catch there.

Mr Fun:

My name is Richard Dean Kane and I'm someone you should know. My birthday is September 4th, 1954. I was born in Munthalode, Texas. My current career is that of a patent attorney, but I soon intend to enter into a career as a climbing guide. I reside in Waukegan, which is also where I practice law. My firm, Johnson, Winston & Jones has just made me a full partner. I've never been married and don't have any children that I know of. (Wink, wink.) My ride is a restored Delorean. When those gull-wing door open, people really take notice. Right now I'm taking advanced climber's training from an exclusive instructor. The last good movie I saw was Chinatown. My nickname is 'Stinky'. Paul Simon is my favorite performer. Amongst my favorite childhood memories is going to the Indiana Dunes with my parents. Dad would drive us in his Rambler and Mom would pack cucumber sandwiches. My prized possession, other than the Delorean, is a near mint Graff Zeppelin stamp, currently valued at $600.00. I paid a lot less for it. People always say that I look like Dick Cavet. Nobody knows that I'm worried about my weight. I've never been able to understand women. I'm better than anyone else when it comes to making cheese sandwiches. I'd give anything to meet Leonardo Divinci. I think we have a lot in common. I think we'd be pals. I think he would like the Cubs, as I do.The one thing I can't stand, especially in women, is frowny faces. As my secretary says, I'm a regular smile Nazi. I won't let anyone at the office look sour for long. The best time in my life I would have to say is right now--or in the near future. My lowest point came last year, when a flood ruined my new den. If I wasn't a lawyer or a climber, I think I'd be an astronaut. Or a philosopher. I think the three best words that describe me are 'up', 'up' and 'up'.

This is what Mr Fun gets for placing a personal ad claiming to be an 18 year old Russian girl. Suddenly, Mr Fun doesn’t feel quite so bad about himself.

Mr Fun:

I am insecure about my weight. I feel like guys are disgusted when I take off my clothes. How can I overcome this?

Bubbles.

Bubbles:

So Rudy threw up. So what? Next time we'll turn off the lights

Hil-Gle Welcomes