Disclaimer: Mr Fun's opinions do not represent the editorial, political or psychological philosophy of the (Name of Paper) nor its advertisers. As if these people have philosophies! They wouldn't know an intellectual construct if it bit them. They're low, I tell you, low. Money grubbing bastards, the whole lot of them. Their idea of making the world better is contributing to PBS. Like PBS is even a charity. Bunch of smug Books-On-Tape listeners, tooling around in their mini-vans, taking the kids to day care, focusing on their careers, thinking they're the masters of the universe--and all the while, oppressing me. Yeah, yeah... Don't P-O the almighty (Name of Paper: Modern Pills). Nor its advertisers, its sacred advertisers. This is all more of the same: litter that comes off on your hands and dissolves in the rain. Until then, I'm in the bunker, spanning the globe to give you the thrill of victory and the cereal shot from guns. Mr Fun has been downgraded from a tropical depression to a wet, messy storm pouring over the Great Lakes. FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. HE'S KIDDING. TRUST US.


 

Mr Fun:

My husband and I just had the fight to end all fights. Things got out of hand. We both said things we shouldn't have. I know we both want to apologize, but we haven't spoken in more than a month. Our communication consists of sullen silences and icy stares. Give me a clue. I'm anxious to get to the kissing and making up part.

Clueless.

Clueless:

A month? Someone is clearly enjoying the silence. There's a simple procedure for breaking the ice.

Wait for the old rascal to go to sleep. Get nude. Grab a frying pan. Go to wherever he's sleeping and whack him upside the head with the frying pan. Then take him like you're possessed! If the little creep doesn't reciprocate, whack him upside the head with the frying pan. Drag him from the bed and smash knick-knacks around his general vicinity. Collapse into a corner, babbling and crying uncontrollably. When he comes to comfort you and/or attempts to flee the room, whack him upside the head with the frying pan.Pretty soon you'll have forgotten what you were fighting about. Or at least he will.

Mr Fun:

I'm a 39 year-old woman with no kids.I'm divorced. I have a great job. I own my own condo. At one time I was a semi-pro body builder. I'm still in good shape. My finances are excellent. Everything is right as rain, but I have no man. I've tried bars, personal ads, dating services and ...zip. I'm sick of sleeping alone. What do I do?

Woman

Woman:

Meet me at 8:30 PM behind Zebulon Bookstore. I'll be the one in the trench coat and black tights. Bring duct tape. You'll never desire a man again.

Dear Mr. Fun:

An apartment on the 5600 block of Dove’s Head Drive was ransacked Friday afternoon. The home was entered through a sliding glass door. Mattresses were turned over and drawers were emptied. It has not yet been determined what was missing.

Kane

Kane:

Missing are a half glass of orange juice and three eggs. They were the only things worth taking.

Mr Fun:

My new Daughter-In-Law likes to search my house whenever she comes over. The moment I turn my back, she's opening drawers and rifling through cabinets. I really dread it when she uses the lavatory, since I know she's going through stuff in there, too. It's like a police raid. I've spoken about this to my son, but she keeps doing it. Is there any way to control this behavior?

Raided.

Raided:

It's time to buy some used prosthetic devices, the smaller, the more used, the better. False eyes are the best. Throw in some feminine hygiene products and items which make it look like you're still sexually active. Sprinkle them here, there and everywhere. She will stop. Maybe she'll even stop coming over.

Mr Fun:

Everyone says that I should ride my bike going against traffic. I say you should ride in the same direction as traffic. Going in the same direction gives a car more space to slow down, gives the driver more reaction time and helps avoid accidents. At the very least it keeps both bikers and drivers on the same page. What do you think?

Dan The Toaster

Dan:

I know the driving while intoxicated conviction was a serious set-back for you and your family. But I can't but I can't help but think that you're avoiding tackling the issue head-on.

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