Microphone Plays‎ > ‎

Wallpapering

The Adventures of Archie Andrews

Wallpapering

Jul 17 1948 







CAST:

ANNOUNCER, Bob Sherry

SINGERS, of jingle

FRED, Mr. Andrews, Archie's dad

MARY, Mrs. Andrews, Archie's mom

ARCHIE ANDREWS, teen; excitable

JUGHEAD, teen; more relaxed than Archie

VERONICA, teen; Southern accent

BETTY, teen; energetic

NBC ANNOUNCER (1 line)







MUSIC: INTRODUCTION


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


JUGHEAD: Hiya, Archie! What do you want? 


ARCHIE: Come on out right away, Jughead! It's a matter of life or death! 


JUGHEAD: Aw, relax, Archie! Re-laxx!


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: THEME, IN BG


ANNOUNCER: Yes, here he is again, the youngster millions of readers of Archie Comics Magazine know and love so well -- brought to you by Swift & Co., makers of Swift's Premium Franks -- Archie Andrews and all his gang! 


MUSIC: UP AND SEGUES TO JINGLE BEHIND SINGERS--


SINGERS: Tender beef, juicy pork,

Known from the West Coast to New York,

Swift's Premium Franks,

Swift's Premium Franks!


ANNOUNCER: For your guarantee of protection, Swift's Premium Franks now come to you cellophane-wrapped in handy one-pound packages. Made fresh daily in Swift kitchens from coast to coast, Swift's Premium Franks are then wrapped in the new handy sanitary flavor-saver pack and brought to you at the very peak of their tantalizing flavor with all their natural goodness sealed in. So, kids, tell your Mom that you want Swift's Premium Franks. And, Mom, get some today. They're delicious! And you'll be glad to know that Swift's Premium Franks are economical. There's no waste to them. Every bite is all nourishment, dinner-quality meat. Ask for them today. Swift's Premium Franks in the sanitary one-pound package. 


MUSIC: LOW-KEY VERSION OF THEME ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--


ANNOUNCER: And now for our weekly visit to Riverdale. It's Saturday morning as we look in on the Andrews home. We find Mr. Andrews in the living room reading his newspaper.


FRED: (READING TO HIMSELF) And so my little girl came over to me and said-- (HE MUMBLES THE DIALOGUE, THEN CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF A COUPLE OF TIMES; THEN FINISHES WITH--) And she said, "Mommy, is that a proper thing to do?" (CRACKS UP WITH LAUGHTER) Oh, those kids--


MARY: (APPROACHES) Oh, Fred--?


FRED: (ABSENTLY) Yes, dear?


MARY: Fred, there's something I want to ask you. 


FRED: Yes, dear?


MARY: Fred, I'd like to have the living room wallpapered. 


FRED: Yes, dear.


MARY: (BEAT) Fred Andrews, are you listening to me? 


FRED: Oh, yes, yes, dear. You said you wanted to wallpaper the living room. (DOUBLE TAKE) Wallpapered?! Mary, what are you talking about? 


MARY: Wallpapering the living room. 


FRED: What's wrong with it now? 


MARY: Well, Fred, there's something so cold and plain about a painted room. I think wallpaper would be so much warmer. 


FRED: Well, call a paperhanger and get an estimate, dear. Then we'll see. 


MARY: I already did. 


FRED: Good. I-- (DOUBLE TAKE) You what?


MARY: I already got an estimate. They only want fifty dollars to do the room.


FRED: Fifty dollars? Fifty dollars?! Mary, what are they going to paper the room with, dollar bills? 


MARY: Oh, Fred, don't be silly. Fifty dollars is cheap! 


FRED: Cheap? Mary, I could wallpaper that room myself for one-tenth of that. 


MARY: Yourself? 


FRED: You heard me. Mary, if you want that living room wallpapered, I'll do it myself in an hour.


MARY: But, Fred, I-- 


FRED: Now, no "buts" about it, Mary. I'm going to do that job and that settles it.


MARY: But I already called the paperhangers. They'll be here in an hour. 


FRED: Good. I-- (DOUBLE TAKE) You've already called the paper hangers? Without asking me? 


MARY: Oh, Fred, I didn't think you'd mind, and--


FRED: Well, it so happens I do mind, dear, so you can just un-call them again.


MARY: Oh, dear. All right, if you insist. 


FRED: I do insist. Did you have the wallpaper picked out? 


MARY: Yes, it's down at Johnson's Paint and Wallpaper Store. 


FRED: All right, I'll send Archie down for it right now and I'll do the job this morning. (CALLS) Archie? (NO ANSWER) Archie?! (NO ANSWER) Archie?! 


ARCHIE: (OFF) Calling me, Dad?


FRED: Yes, Archie. Come down here. 


ARCHIE: (OFF) Okay, Dad, be right there. 


FRED: Now, Mary as soon as Archie--


ARCHIE: (LOUD AND FAST) Hi, Dad! 


FRED: (STARTLED) What? Oh, hello, son. Archie, I--


ARCHIE: Hi, Mom! 


FRED: Archie, I--


ARCHIE: Swell day, isn't it, Dad? 


FRED: Yes, Archie, but there's something I want to say to you. Do you mind? 


ARCHIE: Gee whiz, Dad, I don't mind! 


FRED: Thank you. 


ARCHIE: You're welcome! 


FRED: ARCHIE


ARCHIE: Okay, Dad, okay! 


FRED: Okay. Now I'm going to wallpaper the living room this morning and--


ARCHIE: Gee whiz, you are?


FRED: Yes, Archie, I are. I mean, I am. ... Now I want you to run down to Johnson's Paint Store and pick up the wallpaper. 


ARCHIE: Run down to the store? But, Dad, I'm waiting for a phone call from Veronica. She said she'd call this morning. 


FRED: Archie, it will only take you a minute and if Veronica calls while you're gone, I'll ask her to call back. 


ARCHIE: Well--


FRED: And I'll give you fifty cents to run the errand. 


ARCHIE: It's a deal! 


FRED: All right. Now just ask for the wallpaper Mrs. Andrews ordered. 


ARCHIE: Okay, Dad. (RUNNING OFF) And be sure to tell Veronica to call back. 


FRED: (CALLS AFTER HIM) Yes, Archie, I will! 


SOUND: DOOR SHUTS


FRED: (EXHALES) Now, Mary, all we have to do while Archie is gone is move some furniture out of the way. Then I'll be all ready to go ahead with the papering when Archie gets back here. 


MARY: (DOUBTFUL) All right, dear, if you say so. 


FRED: I do say so, Mary. This job will be over and done with in one hour and you'll thank me for a wonderful job. You mark my words! 


MUSIC: BRIDGE ... "WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK"


SOUND: SCRAPE OF CHAIR MOVED ACROSS FLOOR


FRED: Ah, there we are, dear. 


MARY: (EXHALES) 


FRED: All the furniture in the center of the room. 


MARY: Uh huh. 


FRED: Now if Archie'd just get back here with the paper, I'll be all set. 


MARY: Oh, he'll be back any minute, dear. I think--


SOUND: PHONE RINGS


FRED: Who can that be?


SOUND: FOOTSTEPS TO PHONE, RECEIVER UP 


FRED: Hello?


ARCHIE: (FILTER) Hello, Dad, This is Archie. 


FRED: Oh, hello son, how are you? (DOUBLE TAKE) Archie?! Where the dickens are you? 


ARCHIE: (FILTER) At the paint store! 


FRED: What are you doing there? You should be home by now. 


ARCHIE: (FILTER) Well, I happened to mention to Mr. Johnson that you're putting up the wallpaper yourself and he said, "What with?" 


FRED: What with? Oh, good grief. Gee, I'm glad you mentioned that. We'll need some paste, won't we?


ARCHIE: (FILTER) Uh huh. He says you need about a gallon. 


FRED: Well, all right, Archie. Get a gallon of paste. Tell him to charge it. 


ARCHIE: (FILTER) Okay. But, Dad--?


FRED: Yes?


ARCHIE: (FILTER) He says you'll need a big brush to put the paste on with. 


FRED: Oh. Hmmm. I suppose I do. Well, all right, get a brush; charge that, too. 


ARCHIE: (FILTER) Okay. But, Dad--?


FRED: Yes?


ARCHIE: (FILTER) He says you'll need another kind of brush for smoothing out the paper after it's on the wall. 


FRED: Hmmmm. I suppose I will. All right, Archie, get the other kind of brush. 


ARCHIE: (FILTER) Okay. But, Dad--? 


FRED: (FRUSTRATED) Archie, what else?


ARCHIE: (FILTER) Well, he also showed me a special kind of knife for trimming the edges. 


FRED: Oh, me. All right, get the knife.


ARCHIE: (FILTER) And a special ladder to stand on. The only ladder we have is the big one for fixing the roof.


FRED: Oh, great. Well, Archie, look. Get everything Mr. Johnson says to get and put it on the bill. And hurry up! 


ARCHIE: (FILTER) Okay, Dad. Be home in two minutes. But, Dad--? 


FRED: What now? 


ARCHIE: (FILTER) Has Veronica called? 


FRED: No, not yet. 


ARCHIE: (FILTER) Oh, okay; goodbye. 


FRED: Bye!


SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN


FRED: That was Archie, dear. It seems there're a few little extra things I need to do the job properly. 


MARY: Yes, I gathered that. But, Fred, really, wouldn't it be cheaper to pay the paperhangers to do it? You're practically spending the whole fifty dollars now. 


FRED: Now, Mary, let's not start that again. I am going to paper that-- 


SOUND: DOORBELL RINGS


MARY: Oh. Now, who can that be? 


SOUND: FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR


FRED: I'll get it.


MARY: All right, dear. 


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


FRED: Oh, good grief. Jughead! 


JUGHEAD: Who'd you expect? Truman and Barkley? (LOUD OBNOXIOUS LAUGH) 


FRED: No, Jughead. But come in, come in. 


SOUND: JUGHEAD'S FOOTSTEPS IN ... DOOR CLOSES


MARY: Well, hello, Jughead.


JUGHEAD: Hello, Mrs. Andrews. Gee whiz, what happened to your living room? 


MARY: Oh, nothing, Jughead. We've just moved the furniture out of the way because Mr. Andrews is going to wallpaper the room. 


JUGHEAD: Wallpaper it? Gee whiz, what for?


MARY: Oh, because it needs it! Wallpaper makes a room look warmer and cozier. And besides, the paint is cracked and chipped in several places. 


JUGHEAD: Gee, some paint chipped off in our living room the other day. 


FRED: Did your father repaint it? 


JUGHEAD: No, he just hung a picture of my Uncle Herman over it. 


FRED: Oh, fine. 


JUGHEAD: But he wanted to hang my Uncle Herman instead. 


MARY: (CHUCKLES) Jughead, you shouldn't talk like that. 


SOUND: DOOR BANGS OPEN ... ARCHIE'S FOOTSTEPS IN ... DOOR CLOSES


ARCHIE: (APPROACHES) Dad, I'm home and-- Gee whiz -- Jughead! 


JUGHEAD: Who'd you expect? Dewey and Warren? (LOUD OBNOXIOUS LAUGH) 


FRED: Jughead, switching parties did not improve that joke. Now be quiet. Archie, did you get everything? 


ARCHIE: I sure did, Dad, and it came to thirty-eight dollars! 


FRED: How much? 


MARY: Thirty-eight dollars! Now what did I tell you, Fred? That's almost as much as the paperhanger wanted to do the job!


FRED: Now, Mary, Mary -- just look at all the tools I'll have left over. We're still saving money. 


ARCHIE: Sure, Mom. I got an awful lot of stuff here. Gallon of paste.


FRED: Yes.


ARCHIE: Two big brushes.


FRED: Yes.


ARCHIE: A wallpaper knife.


FRED: Yes.


ARCHIE: And a ladder. 


FRED: And a ladder.


ARCHIE: Yup, everything you wanted. 


FRED: Yup, everything-- (REALIZES SOMETHING) Archie--?


ARCHIE: Yes, Dad?


FRED: There's one little item you have forgotten. 


ARCHIE: Oh? What's that, Dad? 


FRED: Wallpaper! 


ARCHIE: Oh, I got that right here-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Wallpaper?! 


FRED: Yes, wallpaper.


ARCHIE: Oh, boy, I forgot it. He had it all wrapped up for me on the counter and I never took it! 


FRED: Archie, Archie, look. Never mind the details of how you forgot it. Just go back there and get it.


ARCHIE: Go back? Oh, but, Dad, I'm waiting for that call--


FRED: Archie, it's your own fault that you forgot it and I can't wallpaper a room without wallpaper.


ARCHIE: Gee whiz. Jug, how about you going down there for me? 


JUGHEAD: Not me, I'm tired. 


ARCHIE: Gee whiz. Okay, Dad. I'll go back and get the paper. (MOVING OFF) I don't know how I got into this anyway. 


SOUND: DOOR SHUTS


FRED: That boy! He'd forget his name if you didn't call him every two minutes. Well, I suppose I can set up all this junk while I'm waiting for Archie to get the paper. 


MARY: That's a good idea, Fred. I'll be in the kitchen if you want me. 


SOUND: MARY'S FOOTSTEPS AWAY


FRED: All right, dear. Well-- Oh, come on, Jughead. You can give me a hand with this stuff. We'll get the bucket of paste open and the brushes unwrapped--


SOUND: PHONE RINGS


FRED: Who can that be? Jug, you start opening those things while I answer the phone, huh?


JUGHEAD: Okay.


SOUND: RECEIVER UP


FRED: Hello?


VERONICA: (FILTER, HEAVY SOUTHERN ACCENT) Oh, hello, Mr. Andrews. This is Veronica. 


FRED: Oh, hello, Veronica. 


VERONICA: (FILTER) Is Archie home? 


FRED: No, Veronica, he isn't, but he'll be back in a minute. Could he call you back? 


VERONICA: (FILTER) Well, I suppose he could, but I want him to come over to see a new dress I just got. 


FRED: Oh, I see. 


VERONICA: (FILTER) And I'll have to go downtown to meet my mother in a little while, but-- Oh, I know what!


FRED: Yes? 


VERONICA: (FILTER) I'll stop by on my way downtown and show Archie my dress then. 


FRED: Oh, all right, Veronica. I'll tell Archie that you'll stop by. 


VERONICA: (FILTER) All right, Mr. Andrews. Thanks ever so much. Bye now. 


FRED: Goodbye, Veronica. 


SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN


FRED: (CHUCKLES, IMITATES VERONICA'S SOUTHERN ACCENT) Thanks ever so much. Bye now. 


JUGHEAD: Mr. Andrews, I--


FRED: That Veronica.


JUGHEAD: Mr. Andrews--


FRED: That phony Southern drawl. 


JUGHEAD: Mr. Andrews--


FRED: What Archie sees in her I'll never know. 


JUGHEAD: Mr. Andrews?! 


FRED: Well, Jughead, what is it? 


JUGHEAD: Well-- You know that bucket of paste you asked me to open? 


FRED: Yes.


JUGHEAD: You're standing in it.


FRED: Jughead, don't you think I know that-- (DOUBLE TAKE) What?! Standing in it?! Oh, no! Jughead, why didn't you tell me?


JUGHEAD: I was trying to, but you didn't give me--


MARY: (APPROACHES) Fred, you're standing in the paste!


FRED: Mary, I am aware of that. I didn't see the bucket. 


MARY: Oh, for pity sakes. Fred! Don't you dare take your foot out of there! 


FRED: What? 


MARY: You'll get paste all over the floor. Jughead, go out in the kitchen and get a rag for Mr. Andrews' foot. 


JUGHEAD: (MOVING OFF) Okay, Mrs. Andrews. 


FRED: Mary, I can't stand in this paste all day! 


SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS AS ARCHIE ENTERS


ARCHIE: Dad, I got the paper and-- Gee whiz, Dad, what are you doing standing in the paste? 


FRED: Archie, I am not standing in the paste because I wanted to. I didn't see the bucket and-- 


MARY: Fred, keep your foot in that bucket! 


FRED: Mary, this paste is cold and it's wet and-- 


JUGHEAD: (APPROACHES) Here's the rag, Mrs. Andrews.


MARY: Oh, good. All right, Fred, you can take your foot out now. 


FRED: Well, thank you. Oh, good grief, look at that. About half the paste is gone now. 


ARCHIE: Yeah, it's all in your shoe.


JUGHEAD: Gee, Mr. Andrews, what big feet you have! 


FRED: (ANNOYED) Yes, Jughead. I have big feet. All the better to--


MARY: (WARNING) Fred!


FRED: (CHASTENED) All right, dear, all right. Archie, you'll have to go and get some more paste. We'll never have enough now. 


ARCHIE: More paste? But, Dad, I--


MARY: Archie, there's no sense crying over spilled paste. It was an accident that couldn't be helped. Now just go back down to the store and buy some more. 


ARCHIE: (MOVING OFF) Gee whiz, okay, I'll go get some more paste, but this is the last time I'm going down to that store! 


MARY: Yes, dear. 


SOUND: DOOR SHUTS


MARY: Now, Fred, clean up your shoe and, hereafter, watch where you're going. 


FRED: Well, Mary, the way you talk, you'd think I did it on--


MARY: Fred, I don't have time to argue now. (MOVING OFF) I'll be in the kitchen if you want me. 


SOUND: HER FOOTSTEPS AWAY


FRED: Oh, great. Well, come on, Jughead. I better get started. Hand me that pair of scissors. 


JUGHEAD: Scissors? 


FRED: Yes, scissors -- for cutting the paper. 


JUGHEAD: Oh, okay. Here you are. 


SOUND: PAPER UNROLLED BEHIND--


FRED: Thank you. Now, I'll just unroll a long piece of paper -- right on the floor -- like that. Now hand me the yardstick and I'll measure off about nine feet of paper.


JUGHEAD: Here.


FRED: (MEASURING) Three -- six -- nine. All right, now here is where we cut it. Jughead, you hold it flat on the floor while I cut. 


JUGHEAD: Okay.


SOUND: SCISSORS CUT PAPER BEHIND--


FRED: Nothing to this job. Just be careful that I cut it straight. Follow this line of roses right across. And I'm almost through. Just one more snip and -- there. (BEAT) There we are. Now, Jughead, see how easy it was? 


JUGHEAD: Mr. Andrews?


FRED: Yes, Jughead?


JUGHEAD: Well, you know when you put the paper flat on the floor so you could cut it? 


FRED: Yes.


JUGHEAD: Ya didn't.


FRED: Jughead, what are you talking about? 


JUGHEAD: The wallpaper was right on top of that scatter rug. 


FRED: What difference does that make? (DOUBLE TAKE) Scatter rug?! Oh, no! Oh! Oh, Jughead, did I--?


JUGHEAD: Uh huh. Right in half! 


FRED: Ohhhh-- Oh, no. 


MARY: (APPROACHES) Well, Fred, how's it going? Fred! What's that you're holding? 


JUGHEAD: Half a rug! 


MARY: Oh. All right, for a minute there, I thought-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Half a rug! Half of whose rug? 


FRED: (WEAKLY) Your rug. 


MARY: Oh, no! Fred, that's my favorite scatter rug! 


JUGHEAD: It's sure scattered now! ...


FRED: Now, Mary, I could--


MARY: (INCREASINGLY TEARFUL DURING FOLLOWING) It's ruined, absolutely ruined! 


FRED: Well, Mary, I--


MARY: I've have had that rug for years! 


FRED: Mary, I--


MARY: My mother gave it to me when we got married!


FRED: Mary, I--


MARY: Now, look at it! 


JUGHEAD: Divorced! ...


FRED: Jughead, will you keep out of this?! 


MARY: Oh, Fred, how could you do a thing like that?!


FRED: Mary, look, I'll buy you a new rug, dear. But just stop that crying.


MARY: Oh, you'd cry, too, if somebody cut your-- (DOUBLE TAKE, NO LONGER TEARFUL) A new rug? 


FRED: Yes, dear, a new rug. 


MARY: Why, Fred, how sweet! I've been wanting a new rug for the longest time and I know where I can get a lovely new rug for only fifteen dollars. 


FRED: Fifteen dollars? Oh, but, Mary, I--


MARY: (MOVING OFF) Then maybe I can sew this one together again and put it in the bathroom. 


FRED: Yeah, but, Mary, I-- (BEAT) Oh, me. What's the use? You can't win. You just can't win. I'd better just try to get this job over and done with in a hurry. Jughead, hand me that paper--


SOUND: PHONE RINGS


FRED: Oh, great. 


SOUND: RECEIVER UP ... FRED HAS A FAST BACK-AND-FORTH CONVERSATION WITH BETTY CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTING HIM


FRED: Hello?


BETTY: (FILTER) Hello, Mr. Andrews? This is Betty.


FRED: Oh, hello, Betty-- 


BETTY: (FILTER, HOPEFUL) Is, uh, Archie home? 


FRED: No, but--


BETTY: (FILTER) Oh, that's a shame. I thought he might want to go swimming.


FRED: Well, I--


BETTY: (FILTER) It's an awfully nice day for swimming, don't you think?


FRED: Yes, but, I--


BETTY: (FILTER) I'll bet everybody's out at the lake today. 


FRED: Betty--


BETTY: (FILTER) And I just love swimming, don't you?


FRED: Betty, I--


BETTY: (FILTER) Boy, Mr. Andrews, you're not saying very much. Something wrong?


FRED: (FLUSTERED INTERJECTION)


BETTY: (FILTER) Hmmm?


FRED: Betty, look, I will say something if you'll just give me half a chance. Archie is not home and I am not interested in swimming or anything else, because I'm trying to wallpaper the living room. 


BETTY: (FILTER) Oh, you are?


FRED: Yes, I--


BETTY: (FILTER) Golly, I helped my father wallpaper the kitchen last year. Isn't it fun? 


FRED: Betty, I--


BETTY: (FILTER) Can I come over and help?


FRED: Well--


BETTY: (FILTER) Ooh! Thanks, Mr. Andrews, I'll be right over! Bye!


FRED: No, no, Betty. Wait! Betty? Hello?! 


SOUND: RATTLES CRADLE


FRED: Oh, great. 


SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN


FRED: Oh, that Betty. Sometimes she can be-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Jughead! What are you doing?!


JUGHEAD: Wallpapering! 


FRED: Wallpapering? Jughead, did you get those two strips of paper cut and pasted on the wall while I was on the phone? 


JUGHEAD: Yes.


FRED: Why, Jughead, that's wonderful! Absolutely wonderful. (SLOW REALIZATION) Won-- Won-- Oooh.


JUGHEAD: Somethin' wrong, Mr. Andrews? 


FRED: Jughead?


JUGHEAD: Yeah?


FRED: Eh, don't those roses look just a little droopy to you? 


JUGHEAD: Droopy? 


FRED: Yes. Droopy.


JUGHEAD: Well, they are sorta hangin' down, aren't they? 


FRED: Yes, Jug, they sort of are. 


JUGHEAD: Well, maybe when the paper dries, the roses will straighten up! ...


FRED: Jughead, they will not straighten up. The reason they look droopy is because you hung that paper upside down. 


JUGHEAD: Now, how could that have happened? 


FRED: Oh, Jughead-- 


SOUND: DOOR BANGS OPEN


ARCHIE: Dad, I got the paste! 


FRED: Oh, good. Now, Archie, all you have to do is go back to the store and get some more wallpaper. 


ARCHIE: Oh, that's all I--? (DOUBLE TAKE) What?!


FRED: That's right, Archie --- because your friend, who is most aptly named "Jughead," just hung two strips of wallpaper upside down. We now do not have enough paper to finish the room and you'd better go and get some more. 


ARCHIE: But, Dad, I'm still waiting for that phone call from Veronica. 


FRED: Archie, Veronica called and said she'd stop by here in a little while to show you a new dress or something. 


ARCHIE: Gee whiz, she will? 


FRED: Yes, she will. 


ARCHIE: (PLEASED) Mmmm!


FRED: Now if you'll just take one more trip to the store, I'll give you a dollar instead of fifty cents. 


ARCHIE: (MOVING OFF) It's a deal, but if Veronica gets here, be sure and tell her to wait! 


FRED: Yes, Archie, I will.


SOUND: DOOR SHUTS


FRED: Well, now maybe I can get on with this job. Jughead, hand me that-- 


SOUND: DOORBELL RINGS


FRED: Oh, great. Never mind, Jughead.


SOUND: FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR WHICH OPENS


BETTY: Hello, Mr. Andrews. Here I am! 


FRED: Yes, I see that. But why


BETTY: Well, you asked me to help. Don't you remember? 


FRED: I asked you? Oh, fine. Betty, look, dear, I didn't ask you to help, but now that you're here, maybe I can use your help.


SOUND: DOOR SHUTS


FRED: I've been getting no place fast, so maybe if you and Jughead and I form a sort of assembly line, we can get something done. 


BETTY: Oh, sure. 


JUGHEAD: Sure. 


FRED: I'm not so sure, but anyway. Jug, you cut the paper and, Betty, you put the paste on it, and I'll--


SOUND: DOORBELL RINGS


FRED: --answer the door, as usual.


SOUND: FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR WHICH OPENS


SHERRY: Hello, Mr. Andrews. 


FRED: Oh, hello, Mr. Sherry. 


SHERRY: Well, what's going on here? 


SOUND: DOOR SHUTS


FRED: Oh, I'm wallpapering the living room, Mr. Sherry, but I'm having a little trouble. 


SHERRY: Trouble? Now, why should you have any trouble? I wallpapered my living room a few months ago and I didn't have a bit of trouble. 


FRED: You didn't? Mr. Sherry, how did you do it? 


SHERRY: Well, first thing I did was to get out all the equipment -- the brushes, and scissors, and knives. 


FRED: Yes?


SHERRY: And then, when everything was all set, I went down to the grocery store. 


FRED: Oh? The grocery store? 


SHERRY: Uh huh. To get the new handy one-pound package of Swift's Premium Franks -- wrapped in cellophane for your convenience and protection. 


FRED: Mr. Sherry, did you paper your living room with franks? 


SHERRY: Of course not, Mr. Andrews. I used wallpaper. But the reason I went to get the franks is that when you're doing a difficult job like that, you need a good substantial lunch. And there's no finer lunch than those plump delicious Swift's Premium Franks made of all-dinner-quality meat, Swift-quality meat. 


FRED: Uh huh.


SHERRY: So I made sure the grocer gave me Swift's Premium Franks in the new sanitary flavor-saver pack that seals in all the natural goodness. 


FRED: Uh huh, yes.


SHERRY: I even explained to him that one reason I insist on Swift's Premium Franks is that they're made close to where they're sold -- made fresh daily in Swift kitchens from coast to coast so you know they're always fresh, whenever or wherever you buy them. 


FRED: Yeah, uh huh.


SHERRY: And then when I got home, I had a wonderful lunch of that delicious pork and tender beef, skillfully blended into each wonderful Swift's Premium Frank. 


FRED: Yes, Mr. Sherry, but what about the wallpapering? 


SHERRY: Oh, that! Well, while I was out shopping, my wife finished the whole room and there wasn't a thing for me to do.


FRED: Oh, fine. No wonder you didn't have any trouble. 


SHERRY: But I still think I know how it's supposed to be done, Mr. Andrews. Can I be of any help? 


FRED: No, thanks a lot, Mr. Sherry, but with Jughead and Betty here, why, I have all the help I need. 


SHERRY: Oh. Well, then, I'll run along, Mr. Andrews. I hope it turns out all right. 


FRED: Thanks, Mr. Sherry, I'm hoping, too. 


SHERRY: Bye now.


FRED: Goodbye!


SOUND: DOOR SHUTS


FRED: Well, maybe Mr. Sherry's wife can wallpaper a room that quickly, but if I don't get busy, I'll never-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Jughead? What's this? 


JUGHEAD: What's what? 


FRED: That - that wall. You and Betty got it all papered!


BETTY: Uh huh, while you and Mr. Sherry were talking, we got busy and finished one whole wall. 


FRED: Why, Betty, that's wonderful. That's terrific! That's-- (UNEASY) That's funny.


BETTY: What's funny? 


FRED: That wall. 


BETTY: What about it? 


FRED: I could swear there used to be a window in it. 


BETTY: A window? 


JUGHEAD: A window? 


FRED: Yes, a window. You kids papered right over a window! 


JUGHEAD: Gee whiz, I didn't paper over any window! I think.


BETTY: Neither did I! I think.


FRED: Well, somebody did. There was a window right about there. 


SOUND: DOOR BANGS OPEN


ARCHIE: (APPROACHES) Dad, I got the paper! Well, gee whiz. You got that whole wall done already? 


FRED: Yes, Archie, the whole wall. 


ARCHIE: Gee, that's terrific! But you know something, Dad? Wallpaper makes this room look darker somehow. 


FRED: Uh, Archie--?


ARCHIE: Yes, Dad? 


FRED: The room looks darker because Betty and Jughead papered right over the window. 


ARCHIE: Over a window?! Gee whiz, how'd they do that? 


FRED: I haven't the faintest idea. 


ARCHIE: Well, it's nothing to worry about, Dad. Just cut the paper off where it covers the window and everything will be all right. 


FRED: Yes, Archie, but where does it cover the window? 


ARCHIE: Oh, that's easy, Dad. Just thump around on the wall. You'll find it! See?


SOUND: HOLLOW THUMPS ON WALL ... FOLLOWED BY WINDOW GLASS BREAKING


JUGHEAD: (PAUSE) You found it! 


ARCHIE: Gee whiz, Dad, I'm sorry. I was just thump--


JUGHEAD: [...] broke the window.


MARY: Broke the window! Fred, what for?! 


FRED: Well, I thought it was a good idea at the-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Mary! Mary, it was an accident, of course. The kids papered over it and Archie was thumping the wall to see where it is and--


JUGHEAD: He thumped right through it! 


MARY: Oh, dear. 


FRED: Oh, now, now, now, Mary, please. Just go call a glazier to come over and fix that window as soon as he can and I'll go outside and pick up the pieces. 


MARY: (MOVING OFF) All right, dear. But I have never heard of anyone breaking a window while wallpapering.


FRED: Neither have I, dear. Betty, you get a broom and a dustpan, please, and bring it outside so we can sweep up the glass, will you?


BETTY: Oh, okay, Mr. Andrews. 


FRED: But, Archie--?


ARCHIE: Yes, Dad?


FRED: Please -- don't go thumping anything else while I'm gone!


ARCHIE: Okay, Dad. Gee whiz, you'd think I did that on purpose the way my father--


SOUND: DOORBELL RINGS


ARCHIE: (ANNOYED) Gee whiz, now who can that be? 


SOUND: ARCHIE'S FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR WHICH OPENS


ARCHIE: (SNAPPISH) Yes? 


VERONICA: (SEDUCTIVELY) Hello, Archieee.


ARCHIE: (BEAT, GOOFY LOVELORN LAUGH) 


VERONICA: Hi y'all, Archie-kins. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!


ARCHIE: (GOOFY LAUGH) 


VERONICA: It's awful nice to see y'all, Archie, dear.


ARCHIE: (HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH) Gee, Veronica, it's nice to see you, too. But come on in. 


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES BEHIND--


VERONICA: All right, Archie, but I can't stay very long. Oh, hello, Jughead. 


JUGHEAD: Hi, Veronica. 


VERONICA: My goodness, what are you all doin' here? 


ARCHIE: Wallpapering the room, Veronica. But never mind about that. Is that a new dress? 


VERONICA: Uh huh. Do you like it, Archie? 


ARCHIE: Like it? 


VERONICA: Mm hm.


ARCHIE: Boy, I'll say I do. It's so-- I mean, it makes you look so-- That is, it's got such-- Well, gee, I mean, it's kind of-- (BEAT) Boy, I'll say I do. 


VERONICA: Oh, Archie, how sweet. You're sure you're just not saying that just to make me feel good? 


ARCHIE: Oh, no, Veronica. I really think it's a wonderful dress! 


VERONICA: Oh, thank you, Archie. But, Archie dear, I have to run along now. 


ARCHIE: Oh, gee, you do, Veronica? (ALARMED) Veronica! Veronica, look out for that roll of paper! You'll fall!


VERONICA: (EXCLAMATION AS SHE FALLS INTO ARCHIE'S ARMS)


ARCHIE: Oh, I got you, Veronica! Oh, boy! You almost tripped! 


VERONICA: (EXTRAVAGANTLY) Oh, Archie -- my hero


ARCHIE: (GIGGLES) Gee, do you really--?


SOUND: BETTY'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH 


BETTY: Archie, your father said-- (SEES VERONICA IN ARCHIE'S ARMS; BITTERLY IRONIC) Well! Isn't that a lovely picture? 


ARCHIE: Uh huh, I always take a lovely-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Oh, Betty! 


VERONICA: (UNHAPPY) Oh, for goodness sakes, Betty. 


BETTY: (SEETHING) I'm sorry if I interrupted anything private. 


ARCHIE: Oh, no, Betty, Veronica almost fell and--


VERONICA: I don't like the way you said that, Miss Cooper! 


BETTY: Oh, you didn't? Well, that's just too bad! 


ARCHIE: Betty, I--


VERONICA: I see no reason for you to act like a little cat!


ARCHIE: Veronica--


BETTY: Cat! Who's a cat?! 


ARCHIE: Betty--


VERONICA: You are!


ARCHIE: Veronica, please!


BETTY: Oh, is that so? Veronica Lodge, for two cents, I'd give you a paste in the mouth -- and I do mean paste!


ARCHIE: Betty, put down that paste brush! 


VERONICA: Just you try it! 


ARCHIE: Veronica, put down that paste bucket! 


JUGHEAD: Oh, boy! 


BETTY: All right, I will try it! There!


SOUND: SPLAT!


VERONICA: (SHRIEKS) You hit me!


ARCHIE: Betty, I wish you'd--! 


VERONICA: Well, I'll show you how paste feels! 


ARCHIE: Veronica, don't--! 


SOUND: SPLASH!


BETTY: (SHRIEKS) You hit me! 


JUGHEAD: Oh, boy, what a fight! 


ARCHIE: Betty, I wish you'd--! 


FRED: (APPROACHES) Well, I got the glass off-- Hey, what's going on here?!


JUGHEAD: Just a little war!


FRED: Jughead--?


ARCHIE: Betty, put that brush down!


FRED: Archie--?


BETTY: I'll kill her! I'll tear her eyes out!


SOUND: GENERAL MAYHEM ... BETTY AND VERONICA YELL AND FIGHT ... SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLASH! ET CETERA ... EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE


FRED: (OVERLAPS THE MAYHEM) Who hit me?!


SOUND: GENERAL MAYHEM HITS A PEAK ... THEN SUBSIDES BEHIND--


FRED: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet


SOUND: EVERYONE FALLS SILENT


FRED: There. That's better! Now listen to me all of you. This nonsense has gone far enough! Too far, in fact!


JUGHEAD: Yeah. No more paste!


FRED: Jughead, be quiet! Now, I am really surprised at you two girls fighting like two alley cats. Aren't you ashamed of yourselves? 


BETTY: Yes, Mr. Andrews. 


VERONICA: Yes, Mr. Andrews. 


FRED: All right. Now I want both of you to apologize and shake hands. 


VERONICA: But just look at what she did to my new dress. It's ruined! 


BETTY: And my new hairdo is ruined! 


FRED: Now, girls, girls -- don't start fighting again. Veronica, I'll buy you a new dress. 


VERONICA: You will? 


FRED: I will! And Betty, I'll pay for a new permanent for you. 


BETTY: Oh, golly, thanks, Mr. Andrews.


FRED: Now does that settle everything? 


BETTY: Uh huh!


VERONICA: Uh huh!


FRED: All right. Now, for Pete's sake, let's quit all this nonsense and get this wallpaper finished! There's no need to--


ARCHIE: Dad! Dad! 


FRED: --take all day for such a simple job.  


ARCHIE: Dad! 


FRED: I want it finished right now! 


ARCHIE: Dad, I--


FRED: Well, what is it, Archie? 


ARCHIE: It is all finished! 


FRED: That has nothing to do with-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Finished?! 


ARCHIE: Uh huh. While you were out picking up the broken glass, Jughead got it all done! 


FRED: Well-- Well, now how do you like that? That's wonderful! Jughead! Thank you very much! 


JUGHEAD: Oh, that's okay.


FRED: Despite all our troubles, we got the job finished in hardly any time at all. (CHUCKLES) Of course, it didn't turn out as cheap as I thought it would. 


ARCHIE: How much did it cost, dad? 


FRED: Well, now let's see. Thirty-eight dollars at the store the first time. Then the extra paste, about four dollars. And the extra paper, a dollar. And you get a dollar-- 


ARCHIE: Yeah.


FRED: And the window will be about three dollars; and the rug is fifteen dollars; and Veronica's dress, about twenty-five dollars; and a permanent for Betty, about five dollars. What does that come to? 


ARCHIE: A lot! ... Ninety-two dollars.


FRED: Oh, well, that's only forty-two dollars more than the paperhanger wanted. (GRANDLY) But what's the difference? The main thing is the room is finished and your mother'll be happy--


MARY: Why, Fred! You're all through!


FRED: Yes, dear. Thanks to the kids. Well, how do you like it?


MARY: (BEAT) Oh, Fred, I don't.


FRED: What?!


MARY: It's much too fancy. I think paint would be much neater and simpler.


FRED: Oh, no!


SOUND: EVERYONE STARTS TALKING AT ONCE


MUSIC: CURTAIN ... "THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME"


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: FOR JINGLE--


SINGERS: Tender beef, juicy pork,

Known from the West Coast to New York,

Swift's Premium Franks, 

Swift's Premium Franks! 


ANNOUNCER: Friends, you really know what you're getting when you ask for Swift's Premium Franks. Made fresh daily in Swift kitchens from coast to coast, so you know they're fresh. Made by Swift, so you know they're top quality. Ask for them today. Swift's Premium Franks, in the new handy one-pound cellophane package. 


And while you're at your dealers, be sure to ask for Swift's Brookfield Sausage -- perfect for breakfast, ideal for a quick, easy-to-fix dinner. Swift's Brookfield Sausage is just right. Yes, just right! Not too mild, not too spicy, but seasoned to "just right" perfection. Ask for Swift's Brookfield Sausage, the sausage with the "just right" seasoning. 


And don't forget that your dealer has a tempting variety of Swift's Premium Table-Ready Meats! Delicious Swift's Premium Macaroni and Cheese Loaf is being featured this week. It's ready to eat, ready to enjoy. You'll find Swift's Premium Macaroni and Cheese Loaf especially handy for holiday buffet spreads or for snacks and luncheons any time.


MUSIC: THEME ... THEN IN BG


SOUND: APPLAUSE


ANNOUNCER: You've been listening to another chapter in "The Adventures of Archie Andrews," written by Carl Jampel and based on the copyrighted feature appearing in Archie Comics Magazine. Archie was played by Bob Hastings, Jughead by Harlan Stone; Mom and Dad Andrews are played by Alice Yourman and Arthur Kohl; Veronica and Betty by Gloria Mann and Rosemary Rice. This program is produced and directed by Kenneth MacGregor. Listen next Saturday when Swift & Co., makers of Swift's Premium Franks, brings you more of the merry adventures of Archie Andrews. This is Bob Sherry wishing you all a very pleasant weekend. So long! 


SOUND: APPLAUSE


ANNOUNCER: Swift & Co. invites you to stay tuned for "Meet the Meeks," which will be heard immediately over most of these stations.


MUSIC: CUT OFF


NBC ANNCR: This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.


MUSIC: NBC CHIMES 

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