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Violet Ray

Baby Snooks and Daddy

Violet Ray

Jun 08 1939





CAST:

HOST, Robert Young

BABY SNOOKS

DADDY


NOTE: This is a sketch from the series "Good News of 1939."





SOUND: ... APPLAUSE


HOST: And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's Fanny Brice as Baby Snooks.


MUSIC: INTRODUCTION ... A BRISK "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"


HOST: Summer has just about arrived and Daddy, played by Hanley Stafford, figures the weather is warm enough for the beach. Of course he didn't figure on taking Snooks with him. So we find them both on the sand enjoying the ocean. Listen--


SOUND: SURF BACKGROUND


DADDY: (EXULTANT) Ah, what a pleasure! Breathe deeply, Snooks. Fill your lungs with the fresh ozone.


SNOOKS: Let's go swimmin', Daddy.


DADDY: I told you we'll go swimming soon. Right now I want to rest.


SNOOKS: Can you swim, Daddy?


DADDY: (BOASTS) Can I swim? Huh! I'm just about the best swimmer in the world, that's all. Do you know when I was in Atlantic City I swam the whole length of the boardwalk -- on my back?


SNOOKS: You swam the boardwalk?


DADDY: The entire length!


SNOOKS: Didja get any splinters?


DADDY: No, I didn't get any splinters. ... I mean I swam in the water along the boardwalk. Now I want to lie quietly for a few minutes, so you go play with your pail and shovel.


SNOOKS: All right. (LOUD) Da-ddy!


DADDY: Yes?


SNOOKS: I wanna see the mermaids.


DADDY: There's no such thing as mermaids.


SNOOKS: Whyyyy?


DADDY: Because there isn't! A mermaid is a legendary figure that's supposed to be half woman and half fish. It's a myth.


SNOOKS: Is that who ate the holes in your bathing suit?


DADDY: Ate holes in my bathing suit? I said it was a myth. Don't you know what a myth is?


SNOOKS: It's a lady moth, ain't it? ...


DADDY: No, it's not a lady moth. And stop shoveling that sand in my mouth.


SNOOKS: (SINGSONG, RAPIDLY) Myth, mouth, mawth, moth; I wanna go swimmin'.


DADDY: Snooks ... I'll take you in the water if you let me rest a little while.


SNOOKS: How long?


DADDY: Until the waves recede a little. Now just play and don't bother me or ask me any more questions. 


SNOOKS: All right. (BEAT, LOUD) Da-ddy!


DADDY: (EXASPERATED) Oh, what? ...


SNOOKS: What makes the water go 'way like that?


DADDY: The tide.


SNOOKS: Who tied it?


DADDY: Nobody tied it. I said "tide," not "tied."


SNOOKS: Huh?


DADDY: (RAPIDLY) The rise and fall of the tide. It's caused by the moon attracting every particle of the Earth and the ocean. And by the law of gravitation, the force acting on any particle is directed toward the moon's center. And is jointly proportional to the masses of the particle and the moon. And is inversely proportional to the square of the distance between the particle and the moon's center.


SNOOKS: (WITH GUSTO) Hm! Ya feel swell, don't ya, Daddy? ...


DADDY: (AMUSED) Yes, I feel fine. Well, I suppose I'd better make it a little simpler for you. Now, suppose I were to lay two eggs right here--


SNOOKS: (LAUGHS AND LAUGHS)


DADDY: What are you laughing at?


SNOOKS: (SERIOUS) I don't believe you can do it. ...


DADDY: (AMUSED) Oh ho, forget it. Go on and build a sand castle.


SNOOKS: Can I put flags in it?


DADDY: Yes, put flags in it.


SNOOKS: (QUIETLY) I don't like flags.


DADDY: (ANNOYED AGAIN) All right, then don't put flags in it!


SNOOKS: Whyyyy?


DADDY: (EXPLODES) Oh, I don't know! Do what you like!


SNOOKS: All right. (LOUD) Wheeee! 


DADDY: Oh, Snooks! Why are you throwing that sand down my neck?!


SNOOKS: (GIGGLES, WITH PLEASURE) I like it. ...


DADDY: Well, cut it out! Can't you play like the other children? Make mud pies. Dig in the sand. Go on, pretend you're Robinson Crusoe.


SNOOKS: Who's he?


DADDY: Oh, you know. I've told you the story of Robinson Crusoe hundreds of times. About the man who was shipwrecked -- and lived on a cracker for a whole week.


SNOOKS: How did he move around? ...


DADDY: He was on an island. The only thing he managed to save from the shipwreck was the tool chest.


SNOOKS: (INTERESTED) Tell me more, Daddy.


DADDY: (TO HIMSELF) Well, I started this myself. (TO SNOOKS) Now, when he was cast ashore, he--


SNOOKS: (INTERRUPTS) Who was cast?


DADDY: Robinson Crusoe. He was washed onto this desert island and then-- 


SNOOKS: (INTERRUPTS) Whyyyy?


DADDY: (ANNOYED) Because he was shipwrecked!


SNOOKS: Who was?


DADDY: (EXPLODES) Robinson Crusoe!


SNOOKS: (AS IF DEEPLY ENLIGHTENED) Ahhhhh. ...


DADDY: It was a good thing he had his tool chest -- because was able to build a hut. Then he started to build some chairs and--


SNOOKS: Why did he want chairs, Daddy?


DADDY: Because he didn't have anything to sit on!


SNOOKS: I've got something to sit on.


DADDY: (CUTS HER OFF) Never mind that! ... At the end of the day, when his work was done, he sat down on his chest.


SNOOKS: Could he stand on his nose? ...


DADDY: No.


SNOOKS: Then how could he sit on his chest?!


DADDY: I mean his tool chest! Oh, why did I have to drag you along to the beach?


SNOOKS: 'Cause Mommy made you take me.


DADDY: Sure, sure! I get one day to myself; she ties you around my neck. Work like a dog; never get a chance to recuperate.


SNOOKS: What's a "cooperate," Daddy? ...


DADDY: Now listen -- I work every day in the office, don't I?


SNOOKS: I don't know.


DADDY: Well, I do! ... I have to regain my energy. So when I come to the beach and lie in the sun, what do I do?


SNOOKS: That's what Mommy sent me to find out. ...


DADDY: (UPSET) Oh, she did, did she?! Well now, you listen! You go about your business and dig holes in the sand!


SNOOKS: I wanna bury you, Daddy.


DADDY: No! I just want to lie here and get a sunburn.


SNOOKS: Whyyyy?


DADDY: (EXPLODES) Because that's what I came to the beach for! (BEAT, CALMER) The sun is beneficial. It's the only chance I get to pick up a few violet rays.


SNOOKS: I know. I seen you wave to her. ...


DADDY: Why, Snooks! You know very well that lady I waved at was Mommy's friend, Mrs. Lester. (CHUCKLES AT THE VERY IDEA)


SNOOKS: (CHUCKLES KNOWINGLY) ...


DADDY: Well, what are you laughing at?


SNOOKS: (PLAYFUL) I knooooooow.


DADDY: What do you know?


SNOOKS: (COY) It was Violet Ray. ...


DADDY: Now don't you start that kind of stuff with me! The very idea!


SNOOKS: (GIGGLES, MIMICS HIM) "The very idea."


DADDY: (CHANGES SUBJECT, SWEETLY) All right now, go on and play nicely in the sand with your pail and shovel. Collect some lovely shells and then we'll take them home.


SNOOKS: I wanna bury you, Daddy.


DADDY: (EXPLODES) No, you can't bury me!


SNOOKS: Then I'll tell Mommy you were-- 


DADDY: (CUTS HER OFF) Now you just stop that! I told you that lady was Mrs. Lester! And you know her as well as I do.


SNOOKS: (QUIETLY) Didn't look like Mrs. Lester.


DADDY: Well, you probably couldn't recognize her because she didn't have her street clothes on.


SNOOKS: Could you recognize her without her street clothes, Daddy?


DADDY: Why, of course!


SNOOKS: (SUSPICIOUS, QUIETLY) Whyyyy? ...


DADDY: (EXASPERATED) Aw, leave me alone! Why can't you play like those other children?


SNOOKS: (WHINING) I'm hungry!


DADDY: (MIMICS HER WHINING) Well, we'll soon go home and you'll have your dinner.


SNOOKS: Buy me a hot dog, Daddy.


DADDY: No! It'll spoil your appetite. Mommy'll give me the dickens.


SNOOKS: For waving at Violet?


DADDY: Her name's not Violet! And there was nothing wrong with my waving at her; she was with her husband.


SNOOKS: (INNOCENTLY) Oh, is that why you moved away?


DADDY: (FRUSTRATED GROAN) Ohhhhhhh! And Frank Morgan thinks he's a great spy.


SNOOKS: Huh? ...


DADDY: Nothing. Oh, look at all the pretty boats on the water, Snooks. Isn't it wonderful to be here at the beach in the sunshine?


SNOOKS: I wanna go swimming.


DADDY: Oh, all right. We'll take a fast dip and go right home. I'm sick of this anyway. Come on, and don't splash too much.


SNOOKS: I won't, Daddy.


SOUND: SNOOKS AND DADDY SPLASH INTO WATER ... THEN WATER IN BG


DADDY: (SHIVERS) Brrrr! 


SNOOKS: (GIGGLES)


DADDY: (UNHAPPY) Oooh, this water's icy cold.


SNOOKS: (GIGGLES)


DADDY: (EXHALES, NERVOUS) Snooks, hang on to my hand.


SNOOKS: Are ya scared, Daddy?


DADDY: (UNCONVINCING) No, I'm not - scared. I don't want you to go beyond your depth. (SHIVERS) Brrrr! It's freezing.


SNOOKS: Hm, I wanna go out, Daddy.


DADDY: (RELIEVED) So do I. Come on.


SOUND: SNOOKS AND DADDY OUT OF WATER 


DADDY: Here, grab this towel and rub yourself all over. (QUICKLY) Now don't sit down in the sand again!


SNOOKS: Da-ddy?


DADDY: What do you want?


SNOOKS: (LOW) Take me back in the water. ...


DADDY: You just came out!


SNOOKS: (LOW) I have to go back again, quick.


DADDY: Well, why didn't you say something while you were in there?


SNOOKS: 'Cause I just felt the sand in my bathing trunks. (STARTS GIGGLING, THEN IN BG)


DADDY: (GIVES UP) Ah, come on! (MOVING OFF) What a life!


SNOOKS: (BUSTS OUT LAUGHING)


MUSIC: CURTAIN ... "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"


SOUND: APPLAUSE ...


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