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There's Always Juliet

The Chase and Sanborn Hour

There's Always Juliet

Oct 30 1938



CAST:

ANNOUNCER, Wendell Niles

DON AMECHE, host / DWIGHT

MADELINE CARROLL, guest / LEONORA

EDGAR BERGEN, ventriloquist

CHARLIE McCARTHY, dummy

JUDY CANOVA, comedienne; Southern accent

ANNIE

ZEKE

DOROTHY LAMOUR, singer of popular songs

NELSON EDDY, singer of classical songs

and a MALE CHORUS


NOTE: This episode aired opposite the Mercury Theatre's "The War of the Worlds" broadcast.




MUSIC: FANFARE ... THEN TYMPANI ROLL BEHIND--


ANNOUNCER: The makers of Chase and Sanborn Coffee, the superb blend you know is fresh, present "The Chase and Sanborn Hour" and your host, Don Ameche!


MUSIC: THEME (JEROME KERN'S 1918 SONG "THE BIG SHOW") ... THEN BEHIND--


AMECHE: This is Don Ameche, rounding up the Chase and Sanborn gang, and greeting you for all of them. A hearty hello from Nelson Eddy, Dorothy Lamour, Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy, Robert Armbruster, and Judy Canova with Annie and Zeke. We hope that you'll enjoy our show and that throughout the week you'll remain our friends as well as friends of Chase and Sanborn. With a--


JUDY: (INTERRUPTS) Howdy, Mr. Ameche! 


AMECHE: Oh, hello, Judy. Is there anything I can do for you?


JUDY: Say, you know, Mr. Ameche, I've been lookin' at that little McCarthy fella for four weeks now, an' I'll be dogged if I can figger him out.


AMECHE: Well, don't try it, Judy. We all have the same trouble.


JUDY: It sure is mystifyin' how them words comes a-bouncin' acrost his wooden tonsils, ain't it? ...


DON: (CHUCKLES) It sure is.


JUDY: Yeah, and, you know, I keep a-thinkin' of what folks down in Unadilla would do if they'd seed him.


AMECHE: Would they be amazed, Judy?


JUDY: Amazed? Heh! Listen, Mr. Ameche, did you ever see a tree walkin'? ... Heh! Like as not, they'd hang a sap bucket onto him. ...


CHARLIE: (OFFENDED) Now, now-- Hey, hey, hey, hey -- what's going on here? 


AMECHE: Oh, well, Charlie, Judy only meant--


CHARLIE: Yeah yeah, I heard what she said. I heard.


JUDY: Oh, shucks, Charlie -- I's only complimentin' ya. Why, you ain't got nothin' 'gainst me, have ya?


CHARLIE: No, but I can very easily develop something! ...


JUDY: (AMOROUS) Now, listen here-- Now that's too bad, Charles M. Ya see, I was hopin' that I an' you could sorta kinda git together like, you know?


CHARLIE: Uh-oh. 


JUDY: I sorta like ya.


CHARLIE: You do? 


JUDY: I shore do! 


CHARLIE: Bergen, get your gun! ...


AMECHE: Never mind, Charlie. I'm sure you'll feel better when you know that our guest tonight is one of our mutual friends honoring us with a return visit -- the lovely Madeleine Carroll.


CHARLIE: Oh! (HALF-SINGS "LA MADELON," POPULAR SONG OF WORLD WAR I) "Madelon," da da de dum de dah. (CHUCKLES)


AMECHE: Thanks, Charlie, but we'll let Nelson Eddy do the singing. And it's the rousing, rip-roaring "Song of the Vagabonds" from "The Vagabond King."


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS AND NELSON EDDY (WITH MALE CHORUS) SINGS "SONG OF THE VAGABONDS"


EDDY &

CHORUS: (SINGS)

Come all you Beggars of Paris town,

You lazy rabble of low degree. (You rabble of low degree)

We'll spare King Louis to keep his crown

And save our city from Burgundy. (Our city from Burgundy)

You and I are good for nothing but to die.

We can die for Liberty.


Sons of toil and danger,

Will you serve a stranger

And bow down to Burgundy?

Sons of shame and sorrow,

Will you cheer tomorrow

For the crown of Burgundy?

Onward! Onward! Swords against the Foe!

Forward! Forward the lily banners go!

Sons of France around us,

Break the chain that bound us,

And away with Burgundy!


Sons of toil and danger,

Will you serve a stranger

And bow down to Burgundy?

Sons of shame and sorrow,

Will you cheer tomorrow

For the crown of Burgundy?

Onward! Onward! Swords against the Foe!

Forward! Forward the lily banners go!

Sons of France around us,

Break the chain that bound us,

And away with Burgundy!


SOUND: APPLAUSE


AMECHE: The song of a rough-and-ready man of Canada -- a big, brawny French-Canadian logger, the kind of a fellow who skips nimbly from log to log as they float downstream to the mill. Surefootedly, he prevents the dreaded jams and yet he always seems to find time to wave to the girls on the shore. Nelson Eddy sings "The Canadian Logging Song."


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS AND NELSON EDDY SINGS "THE CANADIAN LOGGING SONG" 


EDDY: (SINGS)

Down the rivage we float, we float!

The logs, they make-a the ground a boat.

On the logs we leap and laugh,

As safe upon the logs as on the raft!

There's a rock! Watch out, mon frère!

You maybe get a beeg sheepwreck there!

The sun is shining on the shore.

We see big salmon jump some more, some more! ... [ET CETERA]


SOUND: APPLAUSE


CHARLIE: (WARBLES A BRIEF WORDLESS OFF-KEY TUNE, THEN SINGS) "A-haunting we will go! Tra-ta-ta ta-ta-ta ta-taaa-- A-haunting we will go." (CHUCKLES)


AMECHE: Hey, Charlie, the word is "hunting." 


CHARLIE: Well, not on Halloween, it ain't. ...


AMECHE: Say, what are you going to do tomorrow night, Charlie?


CHARLIE: Oh, I don't know. Duck for apples, I guess. What else can a fella do on a measly seventy-five cents a week? ...


BERGEN: All right, all right. Charlie, I wish you wouldn't take advantage of every opportunity to mention the allowance I give you.


CHARLIE: Oh? 


BERGEN: No.


CHARLIE: Why? 


BERGEN: It's embarrassing. 


CHARLIE: Yeah. I'm ashamed of it, too, Bergen! ...


BERGEN: All you think of is money. Pleasure can be derived in many other ways.


CHARLIE: Name four. 


BERGEN: Well-- ...


AMECHE: Say, Edgar, aren't you going to stage a Halloween party for Charlie tomorrow night?


BERGEN: I certainly am not, Don! 


AMECHE: Oh.


BERGEN: I haven't forgotten Charlie's party last year when he ruined the furniture and the carpets.


CHARLIE: And broke windows, too! 


BERGEN: Yes, yes. 


CHARLIE: Don't forget the broken windows. (CHUCKLES) 


BERGEN: Four broken windows.


CHARLIE: Yes-- Five! 


BERGEN: Five? 


CHARLIE: Yes. I broke one after you took inventory. 


BERGEN: Oh. ... 


CHARLIE: What a party! Talk about laughs! And the fun we had? (SIGHS) Oh, gee, I remember it still. 


BERGEN: I can assure you there will be no repetition of last year's riot.


CHARLIE: No? 


BERGEN: No. That experiment was much too expensive. 


CHARLIE: Oh, sure. No party this year? 


BERGEN: No party! 


CHARLIE: (DISAPPOINTED) Oh. (WHEEDLING) Aren't you going to do anything for little itsy-bitsy Charlie on this Halloween?


BERGEN: I don't know. 


CHARLIE: You don't know?


BERGEN: No. Oh, I may-- I may tell you a ghost story. 


CHARLIE: Eh--? ... A ghost story? 


BERGEN: Yes.


CHARLIE: Do you think you can afford it? 


BERGEN: (WITH DISAPPROVAL) Oh. ... 


CHARLIE: (CHUCKLES)


AMECHE: Say, Edgar, I like ghost stories. Do you know any good ones?


BERGEN: Well, I know one, Don.


EDDY: Hey, you don't mind if I join you, do you, Edgar? I like to listen to ghost stories.


BERGEN: Why, not at all, Nelson.


LAMOUR: Oh, Edgar, are you gonna tell a ghost story?


BERGEN: Yes.


LAMOUR: I love them! They frighten me to death!


CHARLIE: (CHUCKLES, AMOROUS) You'd better sit close to me, Dotty. Hold my hand.


BERGEN: Well, this isn't really a ghost story.


CHARLIE: No?


BERGEN: No, it's - it's an actual experience.


CHARLIE: Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure. They all start out that way! ...


BERGEN: A friend of mine by the name of Joe Franklin purchased an eight-room house in Hoosick Falls, which is a small town in upper New York.


CHARLIE: How far is that?


BERGEN: How far is what?


CHARLIE: Er, Hoosick Falls.


BERGEN: What about it?


CHARLIE: How far is it?


BERGEN: Well, from where?


CHARLIE: Oh. ... Thank you, anyway. I still don't think it's the right answer.


BERGEN: Well, anyway-- My friend, he bought this old house--


AMECHE: (INTERRUPTS) Say, how many rooms did you say it had, Edgar?


BERGEN: Er, eight rooms, Don.


LAMOUR: How charming. Eight rooms? Two-story?


CHARLIE: No, it's a ghost story! ...


BERGEN: As a matter of fact, Dorothy, it was a two-story house. But the upstairs quarters were never used because there was a rumor that they were haunted.


CHARLIE: (LOW) They were what?


BERGEN: I said, they were inhabited by ghosts.


EDDY: Well, uh, didn't Joe Hoosick know that before he bought the place?


BERGEN: Er, Nelson-- Well, he-- (CHUCKLES) The name is Joe Franklin and the house is in Hoosick Falls.


EDDY: Oh, I see. Well, you want to watch that, Edgar.


BERGEN: Yes. ... So--


AMECHE: Say, Ed, did Joe Falls know that Hoosick was haunted?


BERGEN: Yes-- ... Don, the name is Franklin and the house is in Hoosick Falls.


AMECHE: Ah.


BERGEN: It was an eight-story, two-room house. Er, what I mean is-- ...


CHARLIE: (CHUCKLES) We got him, boys! We got him!


AMECHE: An eight-story, two-room house, huh?


CHARLIE: What he means is, it's an eight-house, two-story room.


BERGEN: No, no. ...


EDDY: Did anybody live in it?


CHARLIE: Yeah. Yeah, Hoosick lived downstairs. ... And he raised ghosts upstairs! ... (CHUCKLES)


LAMOUR: Now, wait a minute. Who lived in what?


CHARLIE: Er, Mr. Poughkeepsie lived in Schenectady. I don't know; what is this?


BERGEN: Well, I don't think you people want to hear this story at all. Of course, if you don't, well, just say so then.


CHARLIE: Now, now, Bergen, don't be sensitive now. ...


BERGEN: At least give me the courtesy--


EDDY: Of course we want to hear the story. Don't we, Don?


AMECHE: Why, sure we do! Have you heard it before, Charlie?


CHARLIE: Yeah, I hear it every Halloween; he does this. ... (CHUCKLES) He brings it out, yeah.


LAMOUR: Is it a good story?


CHARLIE: (WHISPERS) It's awful. But let's egg him on.


AMECHE: Aw, come on, come on, Edgar. Tell us the rest of the story. What was your friend's name?


BERGEN: Oh, well, let's forget his name and let's forget he's my friend.


CHARLIE: Oh? Forgetting friends, huh? What's the matter? Did he write for money?


BERGEN: No, no, no. He did not write for money. Do you understand?


CHARLIE: No.


BERGEN: No, he didn't.


CHARLIE: Oh. (SIMPERINGLY COY) Is'm--? Is'm sore, Bergen?


BERGEN: No, no. ...


AMECHE: Aw, come on, Edgar. We'll behave. Tell us.


BERGEN: Very well. I shall make a final attempt, but I insist on absolute silence.


CHARLIE: (WHISPERS INDECIPHERABLY)


BERGEN: And stop whispering, please.


CHARLIE: (WHISPERS) Yes. Excuse me. (UP) Is it all right if I breathe a little?


BERGEN: Oh, yes. ... Now, this is a true story.


CHARLIE: Uh huh.


BERGEN: But if at any time you question the veracity of my statements, stop me.


CHARLIE: We sure will. ...


BERGEN: This incident took place about, er-- Well, I should say about eight years ago, at which time I - I was considered quite a handsome young man.


CHARLIE: Stop!


BERGEN: All right-- ...


CHARLIE: No, no-- No. You can't sell us on that.


BERGEN: All right. Charlie, if you'll only keep quiet, you'll find that this story is very, very gripping.


CHARLIE: Griping is the word. 


BERGEN: All right-- ...


CHARLIE: (CHUCKLES)


AMECHE: Now, you keep quiet, Charlie. We want to hear this story.


BERGEN: Thank you, Don.


AMECHE: Okay, Edgar. ...


CHARLIE: Who are you?


BERGEN: All right-- ...


CHARLIE: Two-face.


BERGEN: All right. (CLEARS THROAT) Now, where was I?


CHARLIE: You're right here.


BERGEN: Yes, I am. ... Picture if you can an old house with the foundation settling, sagging roof, peeling wallpaper. Can you picture it?


CHARLIE: Picture it? We live in it! ...


BERGEN: In this house, there formerly lived an old miser. Of course, you know what a miser is.


CHARLIE: Oh, sure, sure. A miser's a man who thinks seventy-five cents--


BERGEN: No! ... No, you don't.


CHARLIE: (TO OTHERS) That burns him up. ...


BERGEN: Now, this miser had lived and died in one of the upstairs bedrooms, and it was believed that his ghost haunted it.


CHARLIE: Ah, the plot thickens.


BERGEN: And do you know, Charlie, I was the first person brave enough to spend the night in that bedroom?


CHARLIE: Uh huh. Oh, sure, sure, sure. ...


BERGEN: Nothing happened until midnight.


CHARLIE: Nothing ever does. ...


BERGEN: And then, out of the still of the night, I heard the old grandfather's clock in the hall strike the witching hour.


AMECHE: (DEEP VOICE) Bong! (HIGH VOICE) Cuckoo! Cuckoo!


BERGEN: Don, will you please stop?


AMECHE: When you hear the next cuckoo, it'll be exactly Bergen.


CHARLIE: Yes, yes. ...


BERGEN: All right, enough of that.


CHARLIE: Yeah. Fellows, will you stop interrupting? Gee, you're being very rude.


AMECHE: Aw, now, keep quiet, Charlie.


CHARLIE: And very unfunny. And the least you can do--


BERGEN: All right, all right, will you stop, too, Charlie?


CHARLIE: Who, me?


BERGEN: Yes.


CHARLIE: How--?


BERGEN: You're the worst one of all!


CHARLIE: Is that so?


BERGEN: Yes.


CHARLIE: Gee.


BERGEN: Shortly after midnight I heard a peculiar noise, as if someone were tapping on the walls.


CHARLIE: (STARTLED) Hoo! Oh!


BERGEN: All right. ...


CHARLIE: I thought I saw something.


BERGEN: No, no, no. Tapping on the walls--


CHARLIE: Yes, yes.


BERGEN: And I heard footsteps on the ceiling. I couldn't figure out what it was.


CHARLIE: Maybe you had a snootful.


BERGEN: No, no. ... 


CHARLIE: I was only trying to help.


BERGEN: Well, please don't.


CHARLIE: All right.


BERGEN: No, no. Then suddenly the steps got closer and closer. And then, without warning, a horrible figure pounced upon me. Something tugged at my memory. Where had I seen that ghostly face before?


CHARLIE: In a mirror?


BERGEN: No, no. ...


CHARLIE: (LAUGHS)


BERGEN: Ah, that settles it.


CHARLIE: That settles what?


BERGEN: I'm not going to finish this story.


CHARLIE: Well, why not?


BERGEN: Well, I'm not going to make a fool of myself.


CHARLIE: Oh, I don't know. ...


BERGEN: Yes, you're right. You're right. I have made a fool of myself.


CHARLIE: Well, it certainly took you long enough to get wise. ...


MUSIC: CURTAIN


SOUND: APPLAUSE


AMECHE: A few years ago, a song about a couple of people who were very, very tired swept the country. Remember "Let's Put Out the Lights and Go to Sleep"? Well, now another one has come along and it looks like just as big a hit. It's by Hoagy Carmichael and it's called, simply enough, "Two Sleepy People." Dorothy Lamour shows how it goes and very nicely, too. Dorothy?


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS AND DOROTHY LAMOUR SINGS "TWO SLEEPY PEOPLE"


LAMOUR: (SINGS)

Look at you and look at me, just two wilted flowers.

We should get a cuckoo clock for this house of ours.


(YAWNS, SPEAKS) Got a cigarette?

Aw, honey, no?

Gee, it's gettin' kind of cold, too, isn't it?


(SINGS)

Here we are, out of cigarettes,

Holding hands and yawning, look how late it gets.

Two sleepy people, by dawn's early light,

And too much in love to say "Good night."


Here we are, in a cozy chair,

Picking on a wishbone from the Frigidaire,

Two sleepy people with nothing to say,

And too much in love to break away.


Do you remember the nights we used to linger in the hall?

Father didn't like you at all.

Do you remember the reason why we married in the fall?

To rent this little nest and get a bit of rest.


Well, here we are, just about the same:

Foggy little fella, drowsy little dame.

Two sleepy people, by dawn's early light,

And too much in love to say "Good night."


(INSTRUMENTAL BREAK)


Don't we look a mess?

Lipstick on your collar, me in this old dress.

Two sleepy people who know very well

They're too much in love to break the spell.


We're crazy in the head.

Gosh, your eyes are gorgeous, even when they're red.

Two sleepy people with nothing to say

And too much in love to break away.


Do you remember the nights we used to linger in the hall?

Father didn't like you at all.

Do you remember the reason why we married in the fall?

To rent this little nest and get a bit of rest.


Well, here we are, just about the same:

Foggy little fella, drowsy little dame.

Two sleepy people, by dawn's early light,

And too much in love to say "Good night."


(YAWNS, SPEAKS) Good night, honey.


MUSIC: SONG ENDS


SOUND: APPLAUSE


AMECHE: If you love fun and excitement, you'll want to hear about Charlie McCarthy's new Radio Game. 


ANNOUNCER: Yes, you'll get laughs and thrills by the minute when you play Charlie's new Radio Game. Many of your friends and neighbors are already enjoying it. Whether you're nine or ninety it will bring you hours of fun. The game includes twenty-one lifelike full-color figures of your Chase and Sanborn radio friends. There are four figures each of Edgar Bergen, Nelson Eddy, Don Ameche, Dorothy Lamour, and Robert Armbruster -- but there's only one figure of impudent young Charlie McCarthy and that's what causes the excitement. The play is controlled by a spinner and every player tries to get Charlie. And here's how you get Charlie's Radio Game. Send us two dated bag fronts from Chase and Sanborn Dated Coffee together with only ten cents. You're sure to enjoy the fine mellow flavor of dated coffee, for it's not only a superb blend of the world's choice coffees, but it's truly fresh! Yes, dated coffee is delivered to your grocer by a fresh food delivery service from the oven nearest to his store. The date of delivery is plainly marked on every bag. And that date assures you of fragrant aroma, of rich satisfying goodness, of freshly roasted coffee. Begin now to enjoy Chase and Sanborn Dated Coffee. Send us two dated bag fronts and only ten cents and we'll mail you Charlie's absorbing new game right away. Address Chase and Sanborn, Four-Twenty, Lexington Avenue -- Four-Two-Oh, Lexington Avenue -- New York City. Buy Chase and Sanborn Dated Coffee from your grocer tomorrow.


MUSIC: WARM TAG ... THEN BEHIND AMECHE--


AMECHE: Our very finest, Grade-A, Number One-quality welcome goes to our special guest, the beauteous star of both the British cinema and the American movie, Madeleine Carroll. She is but recently returned from abroad to play the leading role in the Paramount picture, "Café Society." Miss Carroll appears tonight in a play by one of her distinguished playwriting countrymen, John Van Druten -- a play about an English girl and an American boy. Madeleine Carroll in "There's Always Juliet."


MUSIC: UP FOR AN INTRODUCTION ... THEN ROMANTIC BEHIND ANNOUNCER--


ANNOUNCER: It has been quite a day in the life of Leonora Perrycoste. Until the middle of the afternoon, she had been just an ordinary English girl. But then at a party she met Dwight Houston, an American architect, and her whole life changed. That evening they went to dinner, the theater, and a nightclub. Now it's about one o'clock in the morning, and Dwight is bringing Leonora to her apartment.


MUSIC: UP AND OUT


DWIGHT: Well, here we are! Gee, that was a great idea of yours, to go to the, er-- Uh, what was the name of that place?


LEONORA: Hoban Empire!


DWIGHT: That's it, that's it.


LEONORA: I've still got that beastly old song in my head! 


DWIGHT: (LAUGHS)


LEONORA: (SINGS ["I'm Alone Because I Love You" (1930, Ira Schuster, Joe Young)]) "I'm alone because I love you--"


DWIGHT &

LEONORA: (SING) "Love you with all my heart!" 


LEONORA: (CAN'T REMEMBER THE WORDS) Da da da-- Da da-- 


DWIGHT &

LEONORA: (SING) "I had to be true. / Sorry I can't say the same about you!" (THEY CRACK UP WITH LAUGHTER)


LEONORA: I think it's the silliest song I ever heard! 


DWIGHT: Well, I'm inclined to agree with you.


LEONORA: (SINGS) Dee dee dee dee dee-- (SPEAKS) I say, won't I ever get that tune out of my head?


DWIGHT: Why don't you try something else to take the taste away? 


LEONORA: I can't think of another song! 


DWIGHT: Well, in spite of that tune, it's - it's been a grand evening. 


LEONORA: I've enjoyed it so much!


DWIGHT: (BEAT, MORE SERIOUS) Leonora--?


LEONORA: Hm?


DWIGHT: Er, say, by the way, do mind if I don't call you Leonora? It's my sister-in-law's name and I - I can't bear my sister-in-law. ...


LEONORA: (AMUSED) Hm! (WARMLY) What would you like to call me? 


DWIGHT: Steve. 


LEONORA: Steve?! 


DWIGHT: Uh huh.


LEONORA: Why?


DWIGHT: I don't know, I-- I'd like to. 


LEONORA: (LIGHTLY) 'Course, if you feel like that about it--


DWIGHT: (SERIOUS) Steve--?


LEONORA: (BEAT) Well--?


DWIGHT: I think I'm, uh-- I'm a little in love with you, Steve. You're so adorable. 


LEONORA: (SERIOUS) I love you, too. (CHUCKLES, EMBARRASSED) This is ridiculous! 


DWIGHT: Why? 


LEONORA: We've known each other, what is it? Five hours? 


DWIGHT: Well, that's long enough, surely. 


LEONORA: To be in love?


DWIGHT: Oh, I fell for you the minute I saw you. I was watching you from across the room long before I came and talked to you. Didn't you know?


LEONORA: I knew I wanted you to come and talk to me.


DWIGHT: Ah, darling. What do we do now? (BEAT) I - I feel we should rush out and do something-- Oh, something violent. Knock down a cop or something. Whoo! It's grand, isn't it? (LAUGHS) 


LEONORA: (LAUGHS) It is, rather. ...


DWIGHT: It's like Spring!


LEONORA: Zowie!


DWIGHT: Yeah? I feel a bit lighthearted myself. We'll see each other lots, won't we?


LEONORA: Lots. (BEAT) You'll be in England only three weeks, you said?


DWIGHT: Aw, let's not talk about that, huh?


LEONORA: No.


DWIGHT: Mind over matter. 


LEONORA: (CHUCKLES)


DWIGHT: We'll have fun, the way we had this evening. Let's see, what shall we do tomorrow? Oh! Let's go into the country. Can we? For the day?


LEONORA: I thought you were here on business. Haven't you - appointments and things?


DWIGHT: Well, I, er-- I'll see a man a week from Thursday, but - but just for an hour in the morning!


LEONORA: That's what it is -- business, business, business, all the time!


DWIGHT: (LAUGHS)


LEONORA: (LAUGHS) All right, then. We'll take my car. Go down to Sussex. Somewhere on the Downs.


DWIGHT: Oh, I - I've heard of Sussex.


LEONORA: I should think so!


DWIGHT: No, no. Hasn't it got a - a dialect? That's where they say "Dumbledown," isn't it?


LEONORA: No, that's Somerset. 


DWIGHT: Ahhhh, these suburbs. 


LEONORA: (LAUGHS) How do you know about Dumbledown?


DWIGHT: Oh, Bea Lillie used to sing a song about it. Shall we drink ale? Oh, you don't know how disappointed I was the first time I came over here and found that ale in England was the same as beer in America. I'd always pictured ale as something-- Oh, something terribly special, like, er, sack or - or mead.


LEONORA: I know. Or possets. 


DWIGHT: Ah--? What's a posset? Sounds like an animal.


LEONORA: Not possums, possets! It's a drink. It's sort of a nightcap, I think.


DWIGHT: Oh. Pos-sets. That sounds silly, doesn't it? I'll tell you what -- let's not - let's not have them, huh?


LEONORA: Let's not. 


DWIGHT: All right.


LEONORA: I know a little inn where we'll lunch. With a stream and a garden.


DWIGHT: Oh, that's swell. I'll call for you. How early? 


LEONORA: About ten?


DWIGHT: Well, I'm a lazy riser, but I'll make an exception. You think I ought to go now?


LEONORA: I think you ought.


DWIGHT: I never shall, if you don't turn me out.


LEONORA: (WHISPERS) I think you'd better.


DWIGHT: All right. Funny Steve. Good night. Oh, er, uh, by the way, Steve. Would - would you consider marrying me? Wouldja?


LEONORA: What?!


DWIGHT: Could we do it tonight?


LEONORA: Of course not!


DWIGHT: Well, why not? Do you--? D'you have to have an act of Parliament?


LEONORA: No! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)


DWIGHT: Would you? Aw, do, Steve, please? It isn't much to ask.


LEONORA: I couldn't! It'd be crazy! -- Oh, I want to, this minute -- terribly. Just so as not to lose you. But I've got some sense!


DWIGHT: Well, what's sense got to do with it?


LEONORA: Everything! Look at it sensibly; I - I've only known you five hours! We can't get married like this! I don't know a thing about you, except - that you're fun, and that I like you.


DWIGHT: Oh, I should have thought those were reasons enough. 


LEONORA: No, but be sensible.


DWIGHT: Aw, how can I – over you? I tell you, I'm crazy about you. Don't you believe we can make a go of it?


LEONORA: I don't know! Just imagine the scene with Mother and Father! (ACTS IT OUT, WITH FINESSE) "Mother, I've got something to tell you!" "Yes, dear, what is it?" "I'm going to be married." "Oh, really, dear? Who to? Anyone we know?" 


DWIGHT: (CHUCKLES)


LEONORA: "No. Dwight Houston." (DEEPER VOICE) "And who may Dwight Houston be?" (TO DWIGHT, QUICKLY) That's Father. 


DWIGHT: (CHUCKLES) Yes.


LEONORA: (TO FATHER) "He's an American." (DEEPER VOICE) "An American? And how long have you known him?" (TO FATHER) "Oh, about five hours." (LAUGHS)


DWIGHT: (LAUGHS)


LEONORA: I can't even imagine the reply to that!


DWIGHT: Oh, well, that's easy: (IMITATES HER) "But, Mother, I'm in love with him!"


LEONORA: Oh, but this is absurd, and besides, I don't know you, I don't know the first thing about you. We can't be in love with each other.


DWIGHT: Well, don't let's bother too much about it, shall we? We seem to like each other, anyway. Besides, there's always Juliet.


LEONORA: Juliet? 


DWIGHT: Well, she and Romeo did it in five speeches. 


LEONORA: I always said that was an improbable play.


DWIGHT: (QUOTES FROM MEMORY) "If I profane with my unworthiest hand--" Ah, what's the rest of it?


LEONORA: I don't know. We've got it in the bookcase somewhere. 


DWIGHT: Yeah? (BEAT) Oh, here. Here it is. 


LEONORA: Oh, I'll find the place.


DWIGHT: No. No. Here, I've got it right here: (QUICKLY) "If I profane with my unworthiest hand / This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: / (SLOWLY, MORE SERIOUSLY) My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand / To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss." (BEAT, LIGHTLY) He's a fresh guy, that Romeo. (CHUCKLES) ...


LEONORA: (VERY SERIOUS) "Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, / Which mannerly devotion shows in this; / For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, / And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss."


DWIGHT: (BEAT, LIGHTLY) Well, there you are.


LEONORA: (EXHALES SELF-CONSCIOUSLY) Well, we're - we're hardly Romeo and Juliet, are we? Still, it's nice to think we've got a precedent, sort of.


DWIGHT: Oh, we've got a million precedents.


LEONORA: I suppose we have. I - I never believed in it until now.


DWIGHT: We live and learn.


LEONORA: (BEAT) Dwight? Will you give me one concession to the serious part of me?


DWIGHT: What's that?


LEONORA: Please leave now, and - and don't make me give you an answer until tomorrow morning.


DWIGHT: All right, I'll go. But! You've got to promise to say yes. 


LEONORA: (AMUSED) I promise.


DWIGHT: (LIGHTLY) Good night, hideous. (MORE SERIOUSLY) "Sweet, Good Night. / This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath--"


LEONORA: Shhhhh. 


DWIGHT: What? 


LEONORA: I don't want to take it like that. 


DWIGHT: Well, how then? Like a song? (SINGS GENTLY) "I'm alone because I love you--"


DWIGHT &

LEONORA: (SING GENTLY) Love you with all my heart. 


DWIGHT: (BEAT, SOFTLY) Good night, Steve. 


LEONORA: (BEAT, SOFTLY) Good night.


SOUND: BEAT ... THEN DOOR CLOSES AS DWIGHT EXITS


MUSIC: BEAT ... THEN SOLO PIANO AS LEONORA PLAYS ... THEN IN BG, IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--


LEONORA: (SPEAKS, SERIOUSLY) "I have no joy of this contract tonight: / It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden. . ."

(SINGS, JOYOUSLY) "I'm alone because I love you. / Love you with all my heart. / Da da dum, da dum-- It had to be true--"

(SPEAKS, EXHILARATED) Oh, Dwight. I don't know what to do, I love you so! 

(SINGS, JOYOUSLY) "I'm alone because I love you--!"


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA ACCOMPANIES LEONORA'S LAST LINE ... THEN TOPS HER FOR A HAPPY CURTAIN


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: NBC CHIMES


AMECHE: This is Don Ameche and the Chase and Sanborn Hour continues. Hidden in the scores of many almost forgotten operas are a great many beautiful arias. One of these operas is Massenet's (MANGLES THE TITLE) "Le roy de lore" -- (STARTS TO CRACK UP) -- from which Nelson Eddy sings "Promesse de mon avenir."


EDDY: (LAUGHS)


AMECHE: (STILL CRACKING) How'd I do, Nelson?


EDDY: (HIGHLY AMUSED) Well-- Well, you were warm. ...


AMECHE: (RECOVERING) Well, since you're gonna-- Since you're gonna sing it, I think you better say it.


EDDY: (GOOD-NATURED) All right. From Massenet's "Le roi de Lahore," the aria "Promesse de mon avenir."


AMECHE: Oh, lovely. ... Thank you, and Nelson Eddy sings it!


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS AND NELSON EDDY SINGS "PROMESSE DE MON AVENIR"


EDDY: (SINGS)

Aux troupes du sultan qui menaçaient Lahore, 

La royale cité, 

Notre puissance est redoutable encore! 

Comme si les chassait une invisible main, 

Elles ont du désert regagné le chemin. 

Le peuple est rassuré

C'est mon nom qu'il acclame, 

Le calme est rentré dans mon âme, 

Et je puis être heureux!


Promesse de mon avenir, 

O Sitâ, rêve de ma vie!

O beauté qui me fus ravie, 

Enfin, tu vas m'appartenir! 


O Sitâ! -- Viens charmer mon coeur amoureux! 

Viens sourire aux splendeurs du monde, 

Viens charmer mon coeur amoureux! 

O Sitâ, viens, j'attends, je t'aime!

Ma main te garde un diademe.


O Sitâ, viens, j'attends! --

O Sitâ, viens, j'attends! je t'aime!

Sitâ, tu sera reine!


Ah! viens charmer mon coeur amoureux!

Viens sourire aux splendeurs du monde, 

O Sitâ, rêve de ma vie,

Viens charmer mon coeur amoureux! 

Viens! Sitâ, ah, viens!


SOUND: APPLAUSE


ANNIE: Nelson Eddy, rah rah rah! 

Charlie McCarthy, sis boom bah! 

Football is the game for me --

And I like you, Mr. A-me-che!


AMECHE: (CHUCKLES) Oh, that's swell, Annie! It has both rhyme and reason. I didn't know you had it in you.


JUDY: Yep, and I'm shore glad she got it out of her, too!


ANNIE: Rah rah, sis boom bah--


JUDY: (INTERRUPTS) Uh, that'll do, Annie. Y'know, Mr. Ameche, ever since we seed that there football game yestiddy, Annie's been sorta whatcha might call cheer-happy.


AMECHE: Oh, you took in a football game, huh, Judy? Aw, I'll bet you had a good time out there, huh?


ZEKE: I had a good fight. ...


DON: A fight?


JUDY: Yessir, we no more than set down when a feller passed me a insult, and Zeke up and bashed him one.


AMECHE: Well, I don't blame him. If anybody insulted you with me around, I'd bash him one myself.


JUDY: (AMOROUS) Wouldja? ...


AMECHE: Well, I certainly would! 


JUDY: (BEAT, TO AUDIENCE) Anybody wanna try him out? ...


AMECHE: Never mind that, never mind that. Uh, Zeke, what did the fellow say about Judy that got your dander up?


ZEKE: Ain't nobody callin' my sister a hawg.


DON: Somebody called you a hog, Judy? Oh, he didn't!


JUDY: Shore, he did! Soon as I set down, that feller turned to me and said, "Who ya rootin' fer?" ...


AMECHE: Well, who were you rooting f--? I mean, which - which team were you for?


JUDY: Well, I wasn't fer nobody, and I wasn't agin nobody. See, I just wanted to see 'em bust each other around.


AMECHE: Oh, the weaker sex, huh? Were you sitting near enough to see them get busted?


JUDY: Well, I'll tell ya. I and Annie was satisfied, but Zeke kept on a-complainin' that the players was gettin' smaller and smaller all the time, 'til he could hardly see 'em.


AMECHE: Well, maybe he was sitting up too high. Didn't you bring glasses along, Zeke?


ZEKE: Nope. I just drunk it outta the jug. ... 


AMECHE: Well, I still say he was too high. Did you like the game, Zeke?


ZEKE: What I saw of it. 


ANNIE: I liked it, too!


JUDY: Oh, why don't you get with it, Annie? You didn't even pay no attention to the game after some feller said as how you was a beauty.


AMECHE: (PLEASED) Annie found an admirer! Oh, I knew she must be somebody's type!


JUDY: Ah, you did? Why, I'm a-tellin' you, Mr. Ameche, that feller what was sellin' them sandwiches walked right by all them movie stars without givin' them a tumble -- but when he come by us, he looked straight at Annie, an' he yelled, "Hot dog!" ...


ANNIE: He spoke to me, too! 


AMECHE: Oh, that's wonderful, Annie. What did he say? 


ANNIE: "How many?" 


JUDY: Ah, that's enough, Annie. Set there quiet an' count yer buttons. 


LAMOUR: I saw you at the game, Judy. I waved to you but I couldn't get your eye.


JUDY: Well, lar-dee, Miss Lamour, I was too busy watchin' that feller in front of the grandstand that was took with them gallopin' jitters.


LAMOUR: Jitters? (CHUCKLES) Oh, why, Judy, that was the cheerleader.


JUDY: Well, I guess I shoulda knowed that. Zeke acts the same way when he's full o' cheer. ... Y'know, that leader sure made them little bunch o' fellers yell so you could hear 'em all over the field.


AMECHE: Oh, well, most of the stadiums nowadays have very good acoustics.


JUDY: They sure-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Mr. Ameche, you say the craziest words. ... Hey, Zeke, come here, son. What in the world's a-cue-sticks?


ZEKE: A cue sticks is what you shoot pool with. ...


JUDY: There you are, Mr. Ameche. That boy's gonna be a great wit some day.


AMECHE: Well, why not? He's halfway there already. ...


JUDY: You said that right. Well, anyhow, he's happy.


AMECHE: You kids almost certainly had your troubles. You were insulted, Zeke had eye trouble, Annie found romance with mustard and relish. Did you by any chance see a football game?


JUDY: (AMUSED) Huh! You cain't prove it by me. They shore do a lot o' nothin' before anybody footballs. Why, the first thing that catched my eye was them boys on the field all a-gettin' in a circle with their heads together an' their arms around each other, real romantic-like. ...


AMECHE: Aw, why, Judy, that's the huddle! I can see you've got a lot to learn about football.


JUDY: (AMOROUS) You reckon you could teach me to huddle? ...


AMECHE: Er, what I mean is, you should go with somebody who knows what it's all about.


JUDY: Oh, you think I orta, huh? 


AMECHE: Why, sure, sure. 


JUDY: Well, I ain't busy tomorra night. ...


AMECHE: Yeah, but there isn't any football game tomorrow night.


JUDY: I know it. I ain't no fool. ...


AMECHE: Aw, now look, Judy, couldn't we sort of-- Hey, Zeke -- put down that gun!


ZEKE: 'Tain't loaded. 


SOUND: GUNSHOT!


AMECHE: (SHAKEN) 'Tain't loaded, huh? Judy, will you do me a favor? Get somebody else to teach you the game of football. It's so dangerous. And I'm so young. ...


JUDY: Oh, shucks, Mr. Ameche. Zeke was only foolin'.


AMECHE: Yeah, well, that's kind of carrying a joke too close.


JUDY: Well, matter in fact, if I wanted to learn about football, I can learn all about it from my own family.


AMECHE: Well, that's fine. I didn't know they played football down in Unadilla.


JUDY: Played football? Why, Mr. Ameche, you know them school kids down home never heered o' 'rithmetic. They call it "signal practice."


LAMOUR: Did Zeke ever play football, Judy? 


JUDY: Did he play football? Hah!


AMECHE: Hah! He was probably All-American. 


JUDY: Hah hah! He's better'n that! He's All-Unadilla! 


AMECHE: All-Unadilla! Now what do you think of that? 


ZEKE: I was a triple threat man.


AMECHE: Triple threat, huh? 


JUDY: Yeah. Kick, fight, 'n' choke. ...


AMECHE: Boy, if Zeke is that tough, I'm surprised some college didn't buy him a pair of shoes and put him on their football team.


JUDY: Aw, he's better with 'em off. That's how he got the offer to play for USC.


AMECHE: Zeke really got an offer to play at USC?


JUDY: He sure did! Unadilla School of Chiropody! [pronounced ky-ra-poh-dee] ...


AMECHE: Oh, chiropody.


JUDY: Yessir, ky-ra-poh-dee. An' he played for 'em in his spare time, under a different name.


AMECHE: Oh, incognito, huh? 


JUDY: No, sir -- Kelly was the name he used. ...


ZEKE: We had a swell "alma matty" song, too. 


AMECHE: Yeah, I'll bet you did. What was the name of it? 


ZEKE: Shucks, I fergit. 


AMECHE: Do you know it, Judy? 


JUDY: No, sir, I don't remember it nuther.


AMECHE: Well, let's see now -- Unadilla School of ky-ra-poh-dee. What kind of a theme song would they have? 


JUDY: Yeah, chiropody.


AMECHE: Oh, I'll bet it was "Flat Foot Floogie," huh?


ZEKE: Nope, that ain't it. 


LAMOUR: Well, maybe it was "'Fall in Love, Fall in Love,' Says My Arch."


JUDY: Nope. Zeke, was it "My Sweet Little Calloused Blue Gown"? 


ZEKE: Nope. 


JUDY: Or, um, uh, "The Last Hose of Summer"? 


LAMOUR: Well, it could have been "The Folks Who Live on the Heel."


ZEKE: Nope. It weren't none of 'em. 


LAMOUR: Well, how about "Whistler and His Dogs"?


AMECHE: Or "It's a Shin to Tell a Lie." ...


JUDY: Stand back, y'all! Stand back! I got it!


ALL: What? 


JUDY: "Ankles Away!"


ZEKE: That's it! ... 


AMECHE: Judy, I'm certainly glad that you settled the title of the theme song of the Unadilla School of ky-ra-poh-dee so that we can all listen to you, Annie, and Zeke, sing "Hounds on My Track."


MUSIC: HILLBILLY ENSEMBLE PLAYS AND JUDY, ANNIE, AND ZEKE SING "HOUNDS ON MY TRACK"--


JUDY, ANNIE, AND ZEKE:

Hounds on my track,

Chickens on my back,

Gonna make it to my shanty if I can.

If I can, if I can,

Gonna make it to my shanty if I can.


JUDY:

Squirrel on the fence,

My dog ain't got no sense.


JUDY, ANNIE, AND ZEKE:

Gonna make it to my shanty if I can.

If I can, if I can,

Gonna make it to my shanty if I can.


JUDY: (CALLS) Come on, busters!


(INSTRUMENTAL BREAK)


JUDY: (YODELS)


ANNIE: Nelson Eddy sings high G,

But he never looks at me.


JUDY: (SHOUTS) Too bad!


JUDY, ANNIE, AND ZEKE:

Gonna make it to my shanty if I can.

If I can, if I can,

Gonna make it to my shanty if I can.


JUDY: 

Don Ameche is a cutie.


ZEKE:

Miss Lamour's a sweet patootie.


JUDY, ANNIE, AND ZEKE:

Gonna make it to my shanty if I can.

If I can, if I can,

Gonna make it to my shanty if I can.


JUDY: 

We chopped down the old pine tree

To make McCarthy a brand new knee. Hoo, hoo!


JUDY, ANNIE, AND ZEKE:

Gonna make it to my shanty if I can.

If I can, (JUDY YODELS) if I can, (JUDY YODELS) 

Gonna make it to my shanty if I can!


MUSIC: SONG ENDS


SOUND: APPLAUSE


AMECHE: Well, Charlie, here's the happy reunion. Since you last talked to your friend Madeleine Carroll, she's been over to Paris and back again.


CHARLIE: Oh, oui, oui, Madelon? Did you enjoy your trip, ma cherie?


CARROLL: (GIGGLES) Oui, oui, oui, Charlot. C'etait très, très magnifique!


CHARLIE: Oh, très good! Did you miss me?


CARROLL: I thought of you all the time, Charlie, and just to prove it, I brought you a present from Paris.


CHARLIE: Oh, no, a present?! For me?!


CARROLL: Yes.


CHARLIE: Oh, you shouldn't have. What is it?


CARROLL: Guess.


CHARLIE: Ah, well, now let me see. It isn't the Eiffel Tower? No, no, no. ... Uh, a scooter, perhaps?


CARROLL: No, Charlie, it's better than that. It's a letter.


CHARLIE: (DISAPPOINTED) A letter? Oh. (HOPEFUL) Is there a check in it? ...


CARROLL: Charlie dear, this is a very unusual letter.


CHARLIE: Oh. Oh, then it has a check in it? ...


CARROLL: (LAUGHS) No. But it was written by a little French admirer of yours.


CHARLIE: Oh? Who is she?


CARROLL: It isn't a she; it's a boy.


CHARLIE: Yecch. ... Disappointment Number Two. This is gettin' worse all the time.


CARROLL: His name is Tout-Tout Gaston Pettyjohn.


CHARLIE: (ANNOYED) That does it, that does it. ... That's too-too much-much for me. Who is he?


CARROLL: Well, he's the little assistant who sits on the knee of the great French ventriloquist, the Great Pierre.


CHARLIE: (UNENTHUSIASTIC) Oh, gee, that's great.


CARROLL: (CHUCKLES) And just like you, he's a little mannequin.


CHARLIE: (IRONIC) No. (ARCHLY) "Today I am a mannequin"! ...


CARROLL: You should see this boy, Charlie. He's the idol of the Parisians. The ladies all adore him.


CHARLIE: Is that so?


CARROLL: Mm hmm. In fact, he's the toast of France.


CHARLIE: Oh, isn't that good? My! How old is this little French toast? Er, I mean, this, er-- ... --this squirt? 


CARROLL: Well, I'd say he's about your age, Charlie.


CHARLIE: Oh, yes?


CARROLL: And he's very eager to learn the American language.


CHARLIE: Uh huh.


CARROLL: So he wrote to you in English and he's hoping that you'll answer him. Would you like to hear what he wrote, Charlie?


CHARLIE: Well, errrrrrr-- No! ...


CARROLL: Oh, but it's a very charming letter.


CHARLIE: (GIVES IN) Oh, then read it.


CARROLL: Let me read it to you.


CHARLIE: Yes.


CARROLL: He starts off by saying-- Yes, um-- (READS) "Dear, dear Charlot, my pretty chou--"


CHARLIE: Pretty shoe?! Does he mean I'm a heel or something? ...


CARROLL: No, Charlie. "Pretty chou" is French for "cabbage head."


CHARLIE: Oh, well, that's diff-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Cabbage head?! ... That's worse yet! Why, the fresh punk. What--?


CARROLL: No, Charlie. In French, "cabbage head" is a term of endearment.


CHARLIE: "Cabbage head" is? Well, it doesn't translate very well, I'll say that for it. ...


CARROLL: And then he writes, "Every week, I listen to hear you on the air over the T.S.F."


CHARLIE: (LAUGHS) The T.S.F.? Oh, the little fool; he means NBC, doesn't he? ...


CARROLL: No, Charlie dear, you see, they don't call it radio over there. They call it T.S.F., which stands for "téléphone sans fil."


CHARLIE: Oh.


CARROLL: Telephone without wire.


CHARLIE: Sure, I'll bet you. (DOUBLE TAKE) Oh, telephone without wires, huh? (DISMISSIVE) I don't think it'll ever be practical. ...


CARROLL: (CHUCKLES) Well, be that as it may. Let me read you the rest of Tout-Tout's letter.


CHARLIE: Oh, do-do, yes. Do-do. ...


CARROLL: I try to obtain your program every Monday morning, but I am not very successful.


CHARLIE: Oh, that's too bad, isn't it? That is too bad. I wonder if he ever tried tuning in on Sunday nights? (CHUCKLES) ... The dope. (ASIDE) "Cabbage head," that's the part that burns me up. ...


CARROLL: But, Charlie, don't you realize that the clocks are five hours faster in Paris than here?


CHARLIE: They are?


CARROLL: Mm hmm.


CHARLIE: Well, can't they slow them down? ...


CARROLL: (IRONIC) Now, why hasn't someone thought of that?


CHARLIE: Well, I just did! Somebody ought to make notes of these things. ...


CARROLL: But to go on with the letter. Tout-Tout says--


CHARLIE: Tout-Tout? Here we go again. ... (CHUCKLES) Oh, I know I'd like him.


CARROLL: (READS) "I am glad you are very popular in America, yes?"


CHARLIE: Yes.


CARROLL: (READS) "And maybe sometime you will come to see I in Paree, no?"


CHARLIE: Yes, no. ... He sure does murder the English, doesn't he? Is he illiterate? I guess he must be, yes-no?


CARROLL: (CHUCKLES) Oh, no, I think he's very cute.


CHARLIE: Yeah?


CARROLL: And, Charlie, he signs his letter, "Your petite Parisian pal, Tout-Tout Gaston Pettyjohn."


CHARLIE: Tout-Tout Gaston Pettyjohn? (CHUCKLES) He must get awful tired lugging that handle around. ... (ASIDE) "Cabbage head," that's the one that cuts me -- "cabbage head." I got it! (TO CARROLL, LIKE A BOSS) Take a letter, take a letter!


CARROLL: (LIKE A SECRETARY) Yes, sir?


CHARLIE: Yeah. (DICTATES) "Mon-soor Pettyjohn." (TO CARROLL) Got that?


CARROLL: Mm hm.


CHARLIE: Good. (CLEARS THROAT, DICTATES) "Dear Gopher Puss--" ...


CARROLL: Gopher Puss?


CHARLIE: Yes, yes, Gopher Puss. In America, that's a term of endearment. ...


CARROLL: Well, I never heard of that, Charlie.


CHARLIE: Well, I never heard of "cabbage head"! Gopher Puss stays.


CARROLL: Yes, sir, I'm sorry.


CHARLIE: Yeah, don't let it happen too often. (CLEARS THROAT) To continue: (DICTATES) "Quote." (TO CARROLL) Have you got that?


CARROLL: Yes.


CHARLIE: (DICTATES) "I never hear your program in America, with or without wires. Sans phone-y. But I will forgive you for that cabbage head crack if, when I get to Paris, you will 'cherchez la femme' for me, and I will do the same for you in America. Your American "a-mi," Char-lee; aw, gee." ... (TO CARROLL) Now, mail that as it is.


CARROLL: Very good, sir, and I'm sure Tout-Tout will be most pleased when he receives this letter.


CHARLIE: Yeah, I thought it was rather well-put myself. What kind of a boss does Tout-Tout have?


CARROLL: Oh, he's very handsome -- debonair -- and he has a mustache.


CHARLIE: Oh, he has? Oh, yes, yes. ... Maybe Bergen could raise a mustache, huh? Well, I don't know. It might be too much of a strain on his system. ...


CARROLL: Do you think he'd look better with a mustache, Charlie?


CHARLIE: Well, it would help, yes. You couldn't see his lips move while I was talking. ... 


CARROLL: Oh, Charlie, you shouldn't say that. You know, little Tout-Tout always speaks well of his boss.


CHARLIE: Well, maybe he gets paid more than I do. ...


CARROLL: Well, he told me that his salary is fifteen hundred centimes a week.


CHARLIE: Yeah, well, that-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Fifteen hundred?! Centimes? Wow! Gee! I could kick myself for what I'm working for. (BEAT) I could kick Bergen, too. ... Fifteen hundred centimes?


CARROLL: That's right, Charlie.


CHARLIE: Is he socking it away? Or has he got a big family or something?


CARROLL: Well, I don't know about that, but I do know that that's his salary.


CHARLIE: Gee! Fifteen--! I wonder if Bergen's-- (CALLS) Hey, Bergen, did ya hear that?!


BERGEN: What's that, Charlie?


CHARLIE: Miss Carroll was just telling me about a ventriloquist over in Paris who pays his boy fifteen hundred a week! Now, think of that! Gee!


SOUND: CLUNK! CHARLIE'S TOP HAT FALLS OFF ... AUDIENCE LAUGHS AT THE MISTAKE


CHARLIE: (AD LIBS) Well--! So my hat fell off! Yeah. It's enough to make it fall off, yeah. ... Fifteen hundred a week-- Gee.


BERGEN: Oh, fifteen hundred a week?


CHARLIE: Yes.


BERGEN: Why, I can't believe that.


CHARLIE: Well, Miss Carroll just said so. Miss Carroll was just telling me about this ventriloquist-- Go on, tell him about it.


CARROLL: Fifteen hundred centimes--


BERGEN: Oh, fifteen hundred centimes!


CHARLIE: Yeah, centimes.


BERGEN: Yeah, well, "centime" is-- That's French for--


CHARLIE: Yeah, well, it's still a buck.


BERGEN: Oh, no, it isn't. No, no, no, no, no. [...] 


CARROLL: No! [...] It takes a hundred centimes to make a franc.


CHARLIE: With mustard? ...


BERGEN: Why, a centime-- Why, that's less-- Why, it's much less than a cent.


CHARLIE: Yeah?


BERGEN: Yeah.


CHARLIE: Less than a cent?!


BERGEN: Why, of course it is.


CHARLIE: (ASTONISHED) Is there anything less than a penny?


BERGEN: Of course there is.


CHARLIE: Well, how come you haven't paid me off in it? ...


MUSIC: CURTAIN


SOUND: APPLAUSE


AMECHE: Charlie McCarthy's Radio Game is the new sensation from coast-to-coast. Here's the latest news about it.


ANNOUNCER: Everybody's playing Charlie's new Radio Game.


CHARLIE: Yes-sir-ee! Small fry, big fry, from six to sixty.


ANNOUNCER: That's right, Charlie. It's packed with suspense and thrills!


CHARLIE: Ah, it's a-fascinatin', you betcha, it is, yes, sir.


ANNOUNCER: You get twenty-one figures of the stars on this program and they're all in beautiful natural color.


CHARLIE: Yeah, Bergen's [an] unusual pale pink. ...


ANNOUNCER: (CHUCKLES) Charlie, please. There are four figures each of Edgar Bergen, Nelson Eddy, Don Ameche, Dorothy Lamour, and Robert Armbruster--


CHARLIE: (BORED) So far, mildly interesting.


ANNOUNCER: Ah, but there's just one figure of Charlie McCarthy--


CHARLIE: Sensational!


ANNOUNCER: (CHUCKLES) And you must have Charlie to win.


CHARLIE: Well, naturally. How else, pray tell?


ANNOUNCER: So - so get Charlie's absorbing new game. Just mail us two dated bag fronts from Chase and Sanborn Dated Coffee and only ten cents. And if you like coffee with plenty of rich, bracing flavor, you'll enjoy Dated Coffee -- for this is more than a fine blend of the world's choice coffees, it's coffee you know is fresh.


CHARLIE: Uh huh.


ANNOUNCER: The date on the bag front tells you when your grocer received it, fresh from the nearest roasting oven.


CHARLIE: That's good.


ANNOUNCER: Try delicious Chase and Sanborn Dated Coffee.


CHARLIE: Think I will.


ANNOUNCER: Mail us the two dated bag fronts with only ten cents and we'll promptly send you Charlie's new Radio Game.


CHARLIE: Yes-sir-ee! / The game's on me.


ANNOUNCER: Address Chase and Sanborn, Four-Twenty, Lexington Avenue-- 


CHARLIE: (MUMBLES TO HIMSELF AS HE WRITES DOWN ADDRESS; OVERLAPS WITH--)


ANNOUNCER: That's Four-Two-Oh, Lexington Avenue-- 


CHARLIE: That's Four-Two-Oh. (TO ANNOUNCER) Four-Two-Oh? Yeah?


ANNOUNCER: "Oh," Charlie.


CHARLIE: "Oh"? Oh.


ANNOUNCER: Meaning a "naught," you know.


CHARLIE: Meaning naught, yes. Naught really? ...


ANNOUNCER: Yes. Yes, really. Four-Twenty, Lexington Avenue New York City. 


CHARLIE: Uh huh.


ANNOUNCER: Buy Chase and Sanborn Dated Coffee tomorrow.


CHARLIE: Okay.


MUSIC: TO INTRODUCE "BROWN OCTOBER ALE" ... THEN BEHIND AMECHE--


AMECHE: October soon fades into November and Nelson Eddy bids it farewell with the drinking song from "Robin Hood" -- "Brown October Ale."


MUSIC: UP, TO ACCOMPANY NELSON EDDY AND MALE CHORUS ... "BROWN OCTOBER ALE"


EDDY &

CHORUS: (SINGS)

And it's will you quaff with me, my lads? 

And it's will you quaff with me? 

It is a draught of nut brown ale I offer unto ye.

All humming in the tankards, lads, that cheers the heart forlorn.

Oh, here's a friend to everyone 

'Tis stout John Barleycorn.


So laugh, lads, and quaff, lads.

'Twill make you stout and hale.

Through all my days I'll sing the praise 

Of brown October ale.

Yes, laugh, lads, and quaff, lads 

'Twill make you stout and hale. 

For through all my days I'll sing the praise 

Of brown October ale.

Of brown October ale!


And it's will you love me true, my lass?

And it's will you love me true? 

If not, I'll drink one flagon more and so farewell to you.

If Jean or Moll or Nan or Doll should make your heart to mourn, 

Fill up the pail with nut brown ale 

And toast John Barleycorn.


So laugh, lads, and quaff, lads.

'Twill make you stout and hale.

Through all my days I'll sing the praise 

Of brown October ale.

Yes, laugh, lads, and quaff, lads 

'Twill make you stout and hale. 

For through all my days I'll sing the praise 

Of brown October ale.

Through all my days I'll sing the praise

Of brown October ale!


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: TYMPANI ROLL INTO THEME ... THEN IN BG


AMECHE: Here we are once more at the end of another Chase and Sanborn Hour, an hour made possible by your purchases of Chase and Sanborn coffee. That's the best way to tell us you enjoy our show. We'll all be back next Sunday -- Nelson Eddy, Edgar Bergen with Charlie McCarthy, Dorothy Lamour, Judy Canova with Annie and Zeke, Robert Armbruster with the Chase and Sanborn Orchestra, and our special guest, the star of "You Can't Take It with You," Jean Arthur. Until then, this is yours sincerely, Don Ameche, saying au revoir.


SOUND: APPLAUSE


ANNOUNCER: Be with us again next Sunday for another big Chase and Sanborn Hour. Jean Arthur, Don Ameche, Nelson Eddy, Edgar Bergen, Charlie McCarthy, Dorothy Lamour, Judy Canova with Annie and Zeke, and Robert Armbruster and the Chase and Sanborn Orchestra. Heard on this program were "Two Sleepy People" from "Thanks for the Memory" and "The Big Show" by Jerome Kern. This is Wendell Niles speaking for the makers of Chase and Sanborn coffee. This is the National Broadcasting Company.


MUSIC: THEME OUT ABRUPTLY ... THEN NBC CHIMES


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