Microphone Plays‎ > ‎

The Radio-Phonograph

The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet

The Radio-Phonograph

Dec 19 1948





CAST:

ANNOUNCER

OZZIE, husband

HARRIET, wife

DAVID, the older son

RICKY, the younger son

THORNY, very low-key for a sitcom neighbor

MOTHER, Harriet's; very agreeable for a sitcom mom

EMMY LOU, exuberant teen; lots of orgasmic shrieking

WOMAN (2 lines)

SALESMAN

MR. JONATHAN

and Christmas SHOPPERS


NOTE: "1847" is always pronounced "Eighteen Forty-Seven."







HARRIET: Have you seen that Santa Claus that's downtown near the square?


OZZIE: Oh, yeah. He's a jolly little guy, isn't he?


HARRIET: Yesterday, I walked by and said, "Hiya, Santa Claus, what do you know?" And he laughed and said, "America's finest silver plate is 1847 Rogers Brothers."


OZZIE: Hey, he's a good man to have on our side.


MUSIC: THEME ... "MARY (I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU)" ... THEN IN BG


ANNOUNCER: America's finest silver plate is 1847 Rogers Brothers! From Hollywood, International Silver Company, creators of 1847 Rogers Brothers silver plate, presents THE ADVENTURES OF OZZIE AND HARRIET, starring America's favorite young couple, Ozzie Nelson and Harriet Hilliard.


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: TO A FINISH ... BEAT ... THEN HARP GLISSANDO INTO INTRODUCTION (WHICH QUOTES IRVING BERLIN'S "WHITE CHRISTMAS") ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--


ANNOUNCER: Look at Rogers Road. Oh, you can certainly tell Christmas is coming. Some folks even have their trees trimmed already. And look there at 1847 where the Nelsons live. There's a wreath in the window.


MUSIC: CHANGES TO RECORDING OF ARTSY CLASSICAL PIANO PIECE ... CONTINUES IN BG


ANNOUNCER: Say, can that music possibly be coming from the Nelsons' house? Of course! There they are, the whole family -- Ozzie, Harriet, David, Ricky, and even Nick, the family dog -- all gathered in front of the radio. Hmm. It's only ten-thirty in the morning. What's music like that doing on the radio at this hour? Has "Just Plain Bill" changed his theme song? Oh, I see! They're listening to a record on the phonograph.


MUSIC: UP, AS ARTSY PIANO PIECE FINISHES GRANDLY


SOUND: NEEDLE HITS THE RECORD'S RUN-OUT GROOVE


OZZIE: Well, that was really something to hear, wasn't it? Quite a record.


DAVID: Boy, those classical piano players sure can make a lot of noise, can't they, Pop?


OZZIE: Now, that's not noise, David. That's fine music, expertly played.


RICKY: How do you tell the difference? ...


HARRIET: Uh, I enjoyed it very much, dear.


OZZIE: Well, thank you. I'm glad at least one member of the family appreciated it. Fine thing, we get a brand new radio-phonograph combination and no enthusiasm whatsoever. When I was a boy--


DAVID: Are you gonna lecture us, Pop? You always start out with, "When I was a boy--" ...


OZZIE: I do not-- Do I, Harriet?


HARRIET: I'm afraid you do, dear. Fool 'em this time; start out with, "When I was a girl--" ...


OZZIE: The point I'm trying to make, boys, is when we get something like this radio-phonograph, let's show a little interest in it.


RICKY: We're interested, Pop.


OZZIE: I mean real interest. Like the enthusiasm you showed when we got the new car.


RICKY: When was that?


OZZIE: Well, it was a little before your time, Ricky. ...


HARRIET: Go outside and play, boys. You're upsetting your father.


DAVID: Come on, Ricky.


SOUND: DAVID AND RICKY EXIT OUT DOOR


OZZIE: What does it take to please those guys?


HARRIET: Oh, I'm sure they like it, dear. Don't forget, it isn't easy for little boys just to sit still and listen to classical music.


OZZIE: I guess you're right. Sure is a beautiful machine, isn't it?


HARRIET: I think it's wonderful, dear. It's the best Christmas present I've ever had.


OZZIE: No, no, Harriet. This is my Christmas present.


HARRIET: Say, I have an idea. Why not call it our Christmas present to each other?


OZZIE: Oh, no, Harriet. I'd like to get you something personal.


HARRIET: Oh, but, honestly, dear, this is a wonderful Christmas present. Besides, it was my idea that we buy it in the first place.


OZZIE: (THOUGHTFUL) Of course, it would be a sensible thing to do. I must admit, it's a lot better than spending money on a bunch of silly junk that neither of us wants.


HARRIET: That's exactly the way I feel. 


OZZIE: Okay, I'll tell you what. Let's take an oath. We'll make a binding agreement, a pact! I'll get my pen.


HARRIET: I'll get a bottle of blood. ...


OZZIE: Well, we can make it just a verbal agreement. I won't get you anything and you won't get me anything. This radio-phonograph is our gift to each other. Agreed?


HARRIET: Agree.


OZZIE: (A VOW) "If I do not keep this vow--" (BEAT, ASIDE) What's something awful? Oh. (A VOW) "If I do not keep this vow, may Harriet's cold feet be forever implanted in the small of my back." ... 


SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR (SHAVE-AND-A-HAIRCUT)


OZZIE: Oh, that's Thorny. Now, don't mention the radio-phonograph. I want to watch his face when he sees it.


HARRIET: (MOVING OFF) Well, I'd better go look after those dishes.


OZZIE: (CALLS) Come on in, Thorny!


SOUND: DOOR OPENS   


THORNY: Hi, Oz. Season's greetings.


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES


OZZIE: What's that in your hatband?


THORNY: Oh, mistletoe. This way, I'm always standing under it. ... Anybody can take advantage of me and kiss me. ...


OZZIE: (BEAT) Well, don't look at me. ...


THORNY: Aren't ya gonna invite me to sit down?


OZZIE: Well, sure, if you take off your hat.


THORNY: Okay.


OZZIE: (BEAT, DISMAYED) Oh, no. Mistletoe tied in your hair. ...


THORNY: Certainly. Why be half-safe? ...


OZZIE: Notice anything unusual in the room, Thorny?


THORNY: No, Oz. Can't say that I do.


OZZIE: Look, I'll stand over here and lean on this, er-- Notice anything unusual?


THORNY: No, I'm afraid not, Oz.


OZZIE: Okay, you go ahead and play innocent. I'm not gonna mention it again.


THORNY: Uh, before I forget it, Oz, I did a little snooping and found out what Katherine's getting me for Christmas. You'll never guess.


OZZIE: Uh, a new radio-phonograph?


THORNY: Don't be ridiculous. Who wants a radio-phonograph? ... She bought me a brand new, genuine leather golf bag. Has everything! Separate loops for each club; zip-up pocket for your sweater and shoes; even has a place to put your tee. What do you think of that?


OZZIE: What's wrong with a new radio-phonograph?


THORNY: Oz, didn't you hear me? A beautiful golf bag with pockets and zippers, genuine leather!


OZZIE: Yes, it sounds okay--


THORNY: Okay?! It's wonderful! It's what I've always wanted. (ABRUPTLY) Er, careful, Oz -- don't lean too heavy on your new radio-phonograph.


OZZIE: Well, then you did notice it!


THORNY: (CHUCKLES) I saw the men bring it in. It's very nice, too.


OZZIE: Aw, thanks, Thorny. Your golf bag sounds awful good, too. Those zipper pockets; those are really convenient.


THORNY: I'll bet this has a beautiful tone, Oz. Really, a terrific-looking job. (BEAT) Too bad about this little nick in it here at the bottom. ...


OZZIE: Oh? I didn't notice that. Must've happened when they brought it in.


THORNY: What a shame. It went right through the finish, didn't it? ...


OZZIE: Of course, if those golf bag zippers get stuck, they're liable to tear out a handful of that artificial leather. ...


THORNY: What do you think Harriet's gonna give you for Christmas, Oz?


OZZIE: She's giving me the radio-phonograph.


THORNY: Oh. Well, that's a nice present. What are you going to give her?


OZZIE: The same thing.


THORNY: What do you want with two of them? ...


OZZIE: (EXASPERATED) We're giving this one to each other. It's our Christmas gift. And we're very happy about the whole thing. Very happy.


THORNY: All right, Oz. Stop glaring at me.


OZZIE: We decided to be sensible this year. We have something we both want, so why go out and buy a lot of silly junk?


THORNY: You're absolutely right. Well, see ya later.


OZZIE: What's your hurry?


THORNY: I want to go home and hunt around for some more silly junk that has my name on it. ... Merry Christmas, Oz.


MUSIC: BRIDGE ... "JINGLE BELLS"


SOUND: PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP ... MOTHER'S VOICE ON FILTER


HARRIET: Hello?


MOTHER: Hello, Harriet! This is mother.


HARRIET: Oh, hello, mother. How are you?


MOTHER: Pretty good, dear. I've just come from downtown. Finally finished all of my shopping. Oh, just a moment. (BEAT, EXHALES WEARILY) Just wanted to take my shoes off.


HARRIET: Your feet hurt?


MOTHER: A little. It's strange how small they're making Size Fives these days. ...


HARRIET: I hope you didn't tire yourself out.


MOTHER: Oh, no. In fact, I feel quite gay. It's beginning to look like Christmas around here. Have you got your tree up yet?


HARRIET: Mm mm, not yet. I think Ozzie's going to get it tomorrow.


MOTHER: Oh, a lot of them are already up on our block. You can see the lights. In fact, they're trimming one now in the house across the street.


HARRIET: Oh, can you see it?


MOTHER: No, but I can see the star go past the window every time it falls over. ... Have you found out what Ozzie's getting you for Christmas?


HARRIET: Oh, yes. We decided this morning. We're buying something for the house and giving it to each other.


MOTHER: Oh, really, dear? What is it?


HARRIET: It's a new radio-phonograph. It's really beautiful, too.


MOTHER: Ohhhh? That sounds nice. Are you having it delivered on Christmas?


HARRIET: No, it's already here.


MOTHER: (DISBELIEF) Well, Ozzie's going to give you something else, isn't he?


HARRIET: No, mother. We decided to be sensible this year. It's our one and only gift.


MOTHER: Harriet, dear, there are two times when you're not supposed to be sensible -- finding a husband and Christmas. ...


HARRIET: We're really very happy about it, mother.


MOTHER: Well, for myself, I just love opening presents. But if you and Ozzie--


HARRIET: Oh, this only includes Ozzie and me. We intend to get gifts for the boys and you.


MOTHER: Oh, now, don't bother with me, dear. I'll be happy just knowing that you have a nice new radio-phonograph. ...


HARRIET: Oh, now, mother, please--


MOTHER: Really, dear -- I don't mind. You can just call me on the phone and play some records for me. ...


HARRIET: But we want to get you something.


MOTHER: No, Harriet, no. (BEAT) Well, only one gift, then. ... Oh, I just can't understand why Ozzie's forcing this agreement on you.


HARRIET: Oh, he's not forcing it on me, mother. We're forcing it on each-- I mean, we think it's the sensible thing to do.


MOTHER: Well, all right, dear. As long as you're happy, that's all that matters. (BEAT, DOUBTFUL) You are happy, aren't you?


HARRIET: Yes, mother.


MOTHER: Before I hang up, I want you to smile.


HARRIET: (BEAT) I'm smiling, mother.


MOTHER: All right, dear. Goodbye!


SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN


MUSIC: BRIDGE


HARRIET: What are you doing?


OZZIE: Putting a little furniture polish on this scratch.


HARRIET: What scratch?


OZZIE: Can't you see it? It's almost three inches long. Right here at the bottom of the cabinet.


HARRIET: Oh, yes. I wonder how that happened.


OZZIE: Probably fell out of the truck. ... Moving men were probably music-haters.


HARRIET: Oh, it's nothing, dear. You can hardly see it.


OZZIE: It'll be all right after I get the polish rubbed in.


HARRIET: I just spoke to mother. She doesn't think too much of our agreement. I could tell by the way she talked.


OZZIE: Oh? What did she say?


HARRIET: Said she didn't think too much of our agreement.


OZZIE: Neither did Thorny. Katherine's giving him some silly old golf bag. 


HARRIET: I think we're being very sensible being sensible.


OZZIE: So do I. The combination's a wonderful Christmas present.


HARRIET: It certainly is. (BEAT) Mind you, dear, I'm not trying to back out, but it seems that this is more of a gift to me.


OZZIE: Oh, nonsense. It's more of a gift to me. You know how I enjoy records. (CHUCKLES) Thorny was so envious of our radio-phonograph. All the time he was here, he talked of nothing else but his golf bag. ...


HARRIET: Does that make sense?


OZZIE: He was just trying to cover up his jealousy.


HARRIET: You aren't envious of Thorny's new golf bag, are you?


OZZIE: Well, of course not. Why should I be? I have a golf bag. Fine golf bag. That - that canvas one out in the garage. ...


HARRIET: That's not a very good one, is it?


OZZIE: Well, of course it is. It's - it's a little shabby and - and dirty, but it's plenty good. In fact, I always attract a lot of attention with it. It's the only golf bag I know of you can put the clubs in the top and take them out of the bottom. ...


HARRIET: I still think that our gift to each other is a very sensible and practical idea.


OZZIE: Oh, of course it is. Come on, let's enjoy it. Put on a couple of records.


HARRIET: Okay.


SOUND: CABINET OPENS


HARRIET: Oh, here's one. It's very appropriate, too -- "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas." 


OZZIE: Uh, never mind. There's one right here on the machine. Yeah, this is very appro-- (BEAT) Hmmm.


HARRIET: What's that one, dear?


OZZIE: "I Got Plenty o' Nuthin'." ...


MUSIC: CURTAIN


SOUND: APPLAUSE


ANNOUNCER: You know, I bet there's not a family in the country that isn't doing the same thing Harriet and Ozzie are now -- planning what's going to be under the tree on Christmas morning. You probably are yourself. And listen, dad, if you'll send mom out of the room for a minute, I've got a sensational idea for you and the kids. Okay? All right, here it is. Why don't all of you get together and give mom a set of 1847 Rogers Brothers? Sure! I told you it was a wonderful idea. 1847 Rogers Brothers is the finest silver plate in America -- the very best, created by master craftsmen who have been leaders in their field for over one hundred years. The lovely features of 1847 Rogers Brothers are unequaled. It stands alone -- beautiful, incomparable. And isn't that just the kind of present you want for mom? There's nothing that will make her feel more proud, or happier, than to know she owns the one and only 1847 Rogers Brothers. So see your silverware dealer tomorrow, why don't you? He'll have some good news for you when it comes to the price of 1847. It hasn't gone up since Nineteen Forty-Five. Yes, this Christmas, give 1847 Rogers Brothers, the finest silver plate in America.


MUSIC: BRIDGE 


ANNOUNCER: Ozzie Nelson has always been a practical man. In college, his perception -- his ability to see the facts -- made him a valuable quarterback. A good example was the Rutgers-Cornell game. It was the last quarter and Rutgers was trailing forty-one to nothing. They had the ball on their own ten-yard line, fourth down, thirty-seven yards to go; one minute remained to play. Practical Ozzie sized up the situation in a flash. Calmly, he stepped into the huddle, turned to his teammates, and said--


OZZIE: This is hopeless. Let's quit. ...


MUSIC: TRANSITION


ANNOUNCER: Not to be outdone by Practical Ozzie is Sensible Harriet, keen-minded and quick to make decisions. Together, Practical Ozzie and Sensible Harriet make a rather sensible and practical couple. They've even decided to have a sensible Christmas this year. Yes, sir -- they've agreed that their new radio-phonograph will be their gift to each other. In the living room of the Nelson home, Practical Ozzie stands admiring the addition to the household.


OZZIE: Don't you think this sort of overwhelms the rest of the furniture?


HARRIET: I don't know, dear. I think we'll get used to it.


SOUND: DOORBELL BUZZES


OZZIE: (CALLS) Come in!


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


EMMY LOU: Hello, Mr. Nelson!


OZZIE: Oh, hello, Emmy Lou, how are you?


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES


EMMY LOU: When David told me about your new combination, Mr. Nelson, I just had to come over and see it! 


HARRIET: Hello, Emmy Lou.


EMMY LOU: Hello, Mrs. Nelson! (GASPS) Oh, it's beautiful!


HARRIET: Do you really like it?


EMMY LOU: Oh, yes! And aren't you lucky to have a husband like Mr. Nelson?! There aren't many men who'd buy something like this so close to Christmas! But here Mr. Nelson gets this lovely radio-phonograph and on Christmas morning he'll surround it with all the beautiful presents he's bought you! What a wonderful husband! ...


OZZIE: Well, actually, Emmy Lou--


EMMY LOU: (SHRIEKS!) 


OZZIE: Don't-- Wait a minute, Emmy Lou, you don't understand--


EMMY LOU: Yes, I do, Mr. Nelson! You're a man who knows how to keep romance alive! A man who tries to make each Christmas better than the one before.


OZZIE: Yes, you've got a point--


EMMY LOU: You can be summed up in one word, Mr. Nelson, and that word is-- (SHRIEKS!) ...


OZZIE: No, no, no, please, please, Emmy Lou-- I don't deserve it. One, maybe, but--


EMMY LOU: Yes, you do, Mr. Nelson! (SHRIEKS!) ...


OZZIE: No, no. No, Emmy Lou--


EMMY LOU: Well, goodbye, Mrs. Nelson -- fortunate, lucky Mrs. Nelson!


HARRIET: Goodbye, Emmy Lou.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


EMMY LOU: And goodbye, Mr. Nelson -- generous, big-hearted, bankrupt Mr. Nelson! (SHRIEKS!) ...


SOUND: APPLAUSE FOR EMMY LOU WHO EXITS OUT DOOR


OZZIE: Such an emotional girl. ... I wonder if that could be a thyroid condition. ...


MUSIC: BRIDGE


SOUND: DEPARTMENT STORE BACKGROUND ... ELEVATOR BELLS CHIME, CASH REGISTERS RING, SHOPPERS MURMUR, ET CETERA


OZZIE: What a mob. Why in the world does everybody have to wait till the last minute to do his Christmas shopping? Seeing all these silly things makes you realize how sensible we're being, doesn't it, Harriet? (NO ANSWER) Harriet? Come on, dear, keep moving. 


WOMAN: Ohhh!


OZZIE: Oh, I'm sorry, madam. I thought you were my wife.


WOMAN: Fresh!


OZZIE: Harriet? Harriet, where are you?


HARRIET: I'm right behind you, dear.


OZZIE: Oh.


HARRIET: Oh, Ozzie, isn't that a beautiful nightgown?


OZZIE: Where's that?


HARRIET: That blue lace one over there on that dummy. Not very practical, of course.


OZZIE: Isn't it awfully thin?


HARRIET: Thin?


OZZIE: Yeah, the nightgown. Oh, not the dummy. The dummy's-- No, I mean the nightgown is thin.


HARRIET: Well, it's supposed to be thin. Isn't it a lovely shade of blue?


OZZIE: It's blue because you freeze to death in it. ... I wonder what those dummies are made of.


MUSIC: BRIDGE ... "JINGLE BELLS"


SOUND: DEPARTMENT STORE BACKGROUND ... SHOPPERS MURMUR


HARRIET: Hadn't we better be going, dear? We still have to pick up the tree and I've got to get dinner.


OZZIE: I'll be right with ya. I just wanna look at some of this sports equipment. Isn't it awful when you think of all the husbands and wives who're gonna give each other silly, impractical gifts like these?


HARRIET: That's a good-looking fishing pole, isn't it?


OZZIE: Say, that's not bad. Betcha could pull in some big fish with that one.


SALESMAN: (APPROACHES) Well, well, sir! It's easy to tell that you're fish-minded!


OZZIE: Oh, that's just my hair oil. ...


SALESMAN: You certainly know which is the best equipment. You are, no doubt, an expert.


OZZIE: Oh, I - I've done a little fishing, yes.


SALESMAN: It is a beauty, isn't it? (CONFIDENTIALLY) I, er-- I take it you're dropping a little hint as to what you'd like for Christmas, huh?


HARRIET: No, we're being sensible this year.


SALESMAN: And there's nothing more sensible than this Flex-O Fly Rod! Flexible, yet unbreakable! 


OZZIE: It's a nice-looking rod, all right. 


SALESMAN: (LAUGHS, TO HARRIET) Look at the light in your husband's eyes, madam. 


HARRIET: Mm hm, I notice it. Of course, that might be left over from the negligee we were just looking at. ...


SALESMAN: No, I'd know that look anywhere. That's the "Fly Rod Fisherman Glaze"! (CHUCKLES) Here, take it in your hand. Feel the new light weight; note the whip in it. Can't you just see yourself in some cool mountain stream on a warm summer day?


OZZIE: Funny, I can almost feel the clear water lapping at my feet.


SALESMAN: Oh, I'm sorry. It's that darned drinking fountain; it's been leaking all day! ...


HARRIET: I hate to hurry you, dear, but I think we better be going.


OZZIE: Yeah, I - I guess you're right. (TO SALESMAN) Thank you very much for the demonstration.


SALESMAN: Oh, glad to do it. Any time you want anything in the way of fishing equipment, just ask for me. That's my section.


OZZIE: I'll do that. Uh, what's the name?


SALESMAN: Salmon. George Salmon. ...


HARRIET: We've got everything now, haven't we?


OZZIE: Hmm? Yes, everything except the Christmas rod-- Uh, the Flex-O-- The, er-- The, er, Christmas tree.


HARRIET: Ozzie, why don't you pick up the tree and I'll go home and fix dinner?


OZZIE: What's the rush? It's only-- (CHANGES MIND) Yeah! Yeah, maybe that would be a good idea. I'll see you back home.


HARRIET: Okay. Goodbye, dear.


OZZIE: (MOVING OFF) Goodbye.


HARRIET: Goodbye. (PAUSE, TO SALESMAN) Psst! Psst?! Mr. Salmon? Psst! Psst!


SALESMAN: Oh, that's you. For a second, I thought there was a leak in one of our basketballs. ...


HARRIET: How much is that fly rod my husband was looking at?


MUSIC: BRIDGE


DAVID: Hey, Pop, the Thornberrys have got their tree up already. Can we put ours up tonight?


RICKY: Please, Pop?


OZZIE: Tonight? We always wait till Christmas Eve to decorate the tree. You guys don't want to spoil your Christmas Eve, do ya?


RICKY: We won't spoil it, Pop. It'll be fun.


OZZIE: Besides, if you decorate the tree tonight, you'll just want to do something else tomorrow night.


DAVID: Mmm, we thought tomorrow night we could open our presents.


HARRIET: Oh, fine. By the time Christmas gets here, you'll be celebrating New Year's. ...


OZZIE: Now, look, fellas, I'm sorry, but we're not going to decorate the tree tonight.


RICKY: (DISAPPOINTED) Sure would be fun, boy.


OZZIE: I - I know it would, Ricky, but we're not gonna do it. Five days isn't too long to wait.


RICKY: I guess not.


OZZIE: It's almost a week. That's not too long. It'd be fun tonight, yes, but - it'd just spoil Christmas Eve.


RICKY: Okay, Pop.


DAVID: Whatever you say, Pop.


OZZIE: (BEAT) Do you boys know where the ornaments are? ...


DAVID: Sure! They're up in the attic!


OZZIE: Well, don't break any bringing 'em down. ...


DAVID: We won't!


RICKY: Can we play some Christmas music on the new phonograph, Pop?


OZZIE: Oh, no; now, definitely not! Now, that's where I draw the line! No Christmas music. Let's save something for Christmas Eve.


DAVID: But what about "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"? That's not really Christmas music because you're only dreaming of it. ...


OZZIE: (THOUGHTFUL) Yes, that's true. ... (GIVES IN) Okay, we'll play "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas," but that's all.


RICKY: Okay, Pop.


OZZIE: (CONSIDERS) Of course, "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" would be all right, too. You see, he's coming to town; he isn't here yet. ...


DAVID: Oh, boy! Gee, thanks, Pop! Come on, Ricky!


MUSIC: BRIDGE ... "WHITE CHRISTMAS"


HARRIET: (WEARY) Ohhh, it's pretty late, dear. Hadn't we better get to bed?


OZZIE: Oh, let's wait till the fire dies out.


HARRIET: Tree looks pretty, doesn't it?


OZZIE: It'll look even better with the presents under it. That's when a tree is at its best, with the presents piled high. Of course, there won't be any for you this year. From me, that is.


HARRIET: Or for you, from me.


OZZIE: (BEAT) Do you realize Christmas isn't until next Saturday and it's all over for us? ... That's the one drawback to being so darn sensible; you don't get anything. ...


HARRIET: You'll get something from the boys.


OZZIE: Oh, yes, yes! The boys. That's right. I wonder what they bought me. (BEAT, MOCK INDIGNANT) What could they buy me, with that measly allowance I give them? ... Times like this, I wish I wasn't such a cheapskate. ...


HARRIET: No, you aren't a cheapskate. And we have a lovely present.


OZZIE: You mean that thing with the bottom half of the cabinet gouged out?! ... I think it needs adjusting or a new tube or something, too. It's got an awful tone; the bass keeps going boom, boom--


HARRIET: I think it's a wonderful gift.


OZZIE: Oh, so do I, but-- I mean, if you hadn't gotten it for me, I'd've been just as pleased with something less expensive. Like a - a Flex-O Fly Rod.


HARRIET: Honey, I was just thinking that if you hadn't gotten me the radio-phonograph, I'd've been quite happy with that blue lace nightgown.


OZZIE: (BEAT) Actually, though, why do I need an expensive fly rod? 


HARRIET: Well, they're awfully nice to have.


OZZIE: I know, but how many fish have I ever caught?


HARRIET: One. ...


OZZIE: I didn't really catch that one. It was lying on the bottom of the stream and I stepped on it. ...


HARRIET: A blue lace nightgown isn't very sensible, either. Much too flimsy; I'd freeze in it.


OZZIE: Oh, you could wear your flannel pajamas under it. ...


HARRIET: We've been very sensible.


OZZIE: Oh, very practical.


HARRIET: Ozzie, would you rather have the fly rod than the radio-phonograph? And tell the truth.


OZZIE: Ohhhh, possibly so, but-- But I'm not sorry about our agreement. You can get it for me on my birthday. Next to a fly rod, I'd rather have a radio-phonograph --- if I didn't get a new tennis racket or maybe a golf bag. ...


HARRIET: But you would like a fly rod?


OZZIE: Why, I guess so. But it's so impractical. You could never wrap a present like that. It's too long.


HARRIET: Oh, no. It's collapsible. And then you remove the reel and wind the line up.


OZZIE: Oh? Oh, then you could probab-- (BEAT) Harriet, you broke our agreement! You bought me the fly rod!


HARRIET: Oh, no, dear!


OZZIE: (DISAPPOINTED) You didn't? ...


HARRIET: Not exactly. I'll tell you what happened. You know what a lovable, friendly dog Nick is? And you've been awfully good to him all year, and so he's going to give you the fishing rod for Christmas. 


OZZIE: Ohhh. Where is it?


HARRIET: In the linen closet, under the blankets on the top shelf. There's another package in there; a big box with a red ribbon around it.


OZZIE: Oh, well, that's a-- Uh, that's a polo shirt.


HARRIET: Hmm, pretty fancy. Blue lace polo shirt. ...


OZZIE: How did you know it was blue lace?


HARRIET: I accidentally punched a hole in the box with my nail file. ...


OZZIE: Aw, Harriet, now you've spoiled the surprise.


HARRIET: You mean that beautiful nightgown was for me? Oh, but you promised--


OZZIE: No, no, it wasn't from me! It was from the Thornberrys' cat. ...


HARRIET: I think we're showing real strength of character, keeping our agreement like this. ...


OZZIE: Oh, sure. Gee, I wish you hadn't told me about Nick buying me the fly rod. What a thoughtful dog he is. ... Maybe we ought to give him the Thornberrys' cat for Christmas. ... Gee, you know, it sure would have been a surprise Christmas morning, that fly rod.


HARRIET: So would my nightgown. It's too bad you had to mention it.


OZZIE: Mention it?! Well, you jabbed a hole in the package with your nail file! ...


HARRIET: I wasn't sure what it was, though. It was just a tiny hole.


OZZIE: Oh, you'd've found out. Tomorrow, you'd probably nick the box with your meat cleaver. ...


HARRIET: What time is it, dear?


OZZIE: Uh, quarter to twelve. (BEAT) This watchband is getting pretty worn. ... You know, they had some nice-looking leather ones down at the Emporium. Say, you know, I've been pretty nice to the Dunkels' fox terrier. ...


HARRIET: Now that you mention the Emporium, did you see those darling compacts at the jewelry counter? Wouldn't it be nice if those pigeons down at the City Hall should decide to get together and buy me one? ...


OZZIE: Of course, if I have my fly rod and you have your nightgown, it'd be silly to want anything else.


HARRIET: Oh, it'd be very impractical.


OZZIE: Wouldn't be sensible.


HARRIET: Could keep happening over and over again.


OZZIE: Sure, you'd buy me a leather watchband, then I'd discover how shabby my wallet is. They have beautiful wallets at the Emporium and very reasonable, too.


HARRIET: You'd get me the compact and then I'd look at my tarnished old lipstick case and remember the beautiful ones they have at Schwab's. Do you know something, dear? I think this is going to be the nicest Christmas we've ever had.


OZZIE: Uh, just one thing, though. Don't buy me too many expensive presents. I can't afford it this year. ...


MUSIC: CURTAIN


SOUND: APPLAUSE


ANNOUNCER: You know, Harriet's right. This really is going to be the best Christmas she's ever had. Even better than she thinks. Because what Harriet doesn't know is that Ozzie made a secret trip down to Mr. Jonathan's silverware store the other day. And you know what he ordered? A beautiful, gleaming, wonderful, magnificent tea service in 1847 Rogers Brothers' remembrance pattern. Isn't that right, Mr. Jonathan?


JONATHAN: Yep, that's it, Mr. Smith. We talked it over, Ozzie and I, and we decided it was just perfect. Harriet's got a set of 1847 Rogers Brothers for her table. Crazy about it, too, you know.


ANNOUNCER: Why, sure. What woman wouldn't be? 1847 Rogers Brothers is the finest silver plate in America.


JONATHAN: Yep. Well, so Ozzie and I thought the tea service was just perfect. He ordered it to match her 1847 pattern. And now he's all set. A wonderful idea for a present, you know.


ANNOUNCER: Yes, sir. And so are those other beautiful 1847 Rogers Brothers pieces -- vegetable dishes and platters and gravy sets. They're the pieces every woman dreams of seeing on her table. And each one is created with all the amazing skill that has made 1847 so famous. 


JONATHAN: You know, Mr. Smith, when a woman's got anything made by 1847 Rogers Brothers on her table, she's really got something. That earmark 1847 stands for quality, I'm tellin' ya.


ANNOUNCER: Exceptional quality. Exquisite beauty. So, folks, make it a point to visit your silverware dealer tomorrow. See the stunning pieces created by 1847 Rogers Brothers and choose one for the best Christmas present of all. Yes, for a gift of importance, choose 1847 Rogers Brothers.


MUSIC: BRIDGE


OZZIE: You know, this phonograph really has a beautiful tone. Remember the old ones that used to run down? 

(SINGS "DARKTOWN STRUTTERS' BALL" ... INCREASINGLY SLOW, EACH LINE HALF AS SLOW AS THE PRECEDING ONE) 

I'll be down to get you in a taxi, honey.

You'd better be ready 'bout half past eight.

Now, dearie, don't be late,

I wanna be there ...


HARRIET: Oh, I'd forgotten how we used to have to wind up those old phonographs. We'd crank and crank and crank and crank.


OZZIE: (SINGS, INCREASINGLY FAST)

I'll be down to get you in a taxi, honey.

You'd better be ready 'bout half past eight.

(BECOMES AN INDECIPHERABLE, HIGH-PITCHED BLUR) ...


HARRIET: Ozzie, stop it! What are you doing?


OZZIE: You wound me up too tight, honey! ...


HARRIET: (AMUSED) Well, sing a quick chorus before you break your spring.


OZZIE: (SINGS, NATURAL SPEED)

I'm gonna dance off both my shoes

When they play those jelly roll blues,

(THE RECORD SKIPS!)

Tomorrow night--

Tomorrow night--

Tomorrow night--

Tomorrow night--

Tomorrow night--

Harriet!

Tomorrow night--

Tomorrow night--

Tomorrow night--

Help!

Tomorrow night--


HARRIET: Oh, I'm sorry, dear.


OZZIE: Oh, thank you! (BREATHES HEAVILY)


HARRIET: (PLAYFUL) Here, I'll put you on again.


OZZIE: (IMITATES THE CRANK)


HARRIET: You'd better throw yourself away.


ANNOUNCER: This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.


MUSIC: NBC CHIMES


Comments