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The Queen's Husband

Camel Caravan

The Queen's Husband

Nov 17 1936



CAST:


The Camel Team:

BILL GOODWIN, announcer

RUPERT HUGHES, host

BENNY GOODMAN, bandleader

FRANK FOREST, singer

ANN SOTHERN, singer-actress

NORMAN SPER, football analyst

HELEN WARD, singer


The Play:

KING, henpecked husband

QUEEN, domineering wife

ANNE, princess

NORTHRUP, a blusterer and a bully

PHIPPS

GRANTON, who loves Anne

NARRATOR

CAPTAIN

FELLMAN




COLUMBIA BROADCASTING SYSTEM

CAMEL CARAVAN-PROGRAM NO. 21

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 1936

9:30 - 10:30 P.M. E.S.T.


ORCHESTRA: FANFARE


GOODWIN: The CAMEL Caravan!


ORCHESTRA: THEME UP MOMENTARILY


GOODWIN: (OVER MUSIC) The CAMEL Caravan -- an hour of entertainment presented from Hollywood each week by R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company, Winston-Salem, North Carolina, makers of CAMEL Cigarettes! Tonight -- Charlie Ruggles! Ann Sothern! Mary Brian! Frank Forest! Football prophet Norman Sper! And the orchestras of Georgie Stoll and Benny Goodman! And here is our master of ceremonies, Rupert Hughes!


(APPLAUSE) 


HUGHES: For the last few weeks followers of the Caravan have been pre-hearing the scores of the season's crop of musical hits. Hits from the Broadway stage, hits from the Hollywood screen. Tonight we bring you an importation from overseas, the first American radio hearing of the score of London's newest stage success, "This'll Make you Whistle." The CAMEL Chorus will join in with Georgie Stoll's brilliant orchestra, and those charming youngsters, Martha Tilton and Peter Kent, will sing a duet. If our stimulating Georgie Stoll will take a bow....


(STOLL BOWS) 


APPLAUSE


("THIS'LL MAKE YOU WHISTLE" MEDLEY   STOLL ORCHESTRA)


HUGHES: You'll remember, that last week, Benny Goodman, way down East in New York, introduced us to a special guest, Ella Fitzgerald. The experiment was so successful that tonight Benny Goodman has another guest whom he is going to present from New York. Benny...


(CUE TO SWITCH TO NEW YORK)


GOODMAN: Our New York spotlight, is focused this evening upon the person of Lionel Hampton, a young man who in my opinion is the greatest living performer on the vibraphone. The vibraphone is like a xylophone, only worse -- but when Lionel plays it, it's even better than that. He's going to play it with our trio...so the line-up is Lionel Hampton, Gene Krupa, Teddy Wilson, and me. The tune is "Dinah." Lionel, start vibrating.


("DINAH"   GOODMAN QUARTET) 


APPLAUSE


GOODMAN: Thank you. I'm very glad to say we're going to have Lionel with us frequently from now on. But now for one of my own favorites among the band numbers...."Sugar Foot Stomp."


Come on, boys, stomp it out!


("SUGAR FOOT STOMP"   GOODMAN ORCHESTRA) 


APPLAUSE


GOODMAN: We'll be with you a little later.


(CUE TO SWITCH TO HOLLYWOOD)


HUGHES: That's very thrilling, Benny. Now Bill Goodwin is going to tell us about an existing profession.


GOODWIN: "Get that picture," sums up the creed of the newsreel cameraman. He grinds away at risk of life and limb. Heat and cold -- danger and fatigue -- are taken for granted and brushed aside by the newsreel men. They are a hardy lot -- and they have to keep as fit as a fighter about to enter the ring. Douglas Dupont, ace cameraman of Paramount News, says QUOTE A newsreel cameraman has to be on his toes every minute -- sometimes for twenty-four hours at a stretch, when news is breaking. When I'm on duty, I usually have to grab a bite and run. I smoke during and after meals -- CAMELS. CAMELS go well with catch-as-catch-can eating. Experience has proved that CAMELS are a big aid to digestion. And they never frazzle my nerves END QUOTE Take up CAMELS yourself and see why so many men and women who lead tense, active lives say: "For digestion's sake, smoke CAMELS." You'll be delighted with the flavor of costlier tobaccos. You'll like CAMELS pleasant lift when you are tired or low. In short, you will like CAMELS.


("PLAY ON"   STOLL)


HUGHES: (OVER MUSIC) All the world loves a lover, says the poet; but all the world laughs at a husband, especially if he is played by Paramount's Charlie Ruggles, who is famous for his henpecked husbands. He is famous for all sorts of other characters too, on stage and screen, and you'll soon be seeing him in "Mind Your Own Business." He plays with the desperate earnestness of the true comedian and he seems to be a commander of laughter at will, but it is always the laughter of character, not caricature. For his contribution to the Caravan theatre he has selected the role of the King in an adaptation of Robert E. Sherwood's play "The Queen's Husband," especially touched up for us by that most original humorist, Ogden Nash.


This king is like a typical American husband in being afraid of his wife and bullied by his daughter, but he ruggles out of his tight corners in a manner that will warm your heart and tickle your ribs. In his support we have those excelling radio artists Justina Wayne, Lou Merrill, John Gibson, and Lee Miller. The King's daughter Anne, is played by the beautiful Mary Brian, another of those fascinating girls from Texas. She began her career as "Wendy" in "Peter Pan" and has illuminated many, many pictures with her dramatic ability, her beauty, and her flashing hazel eyes. If Mary Brian will come forward.


(MARY BRIAN ENTERS)


(APPLAUSE)


And now make way for his Most Amazing Majesty, Charlie Ruggles.


(CHARLIE RUGGLES ENTERS)


(APPLAUSE)


("KING THEME"   STOLL)


And now to set the scenery in our Caravan Theatre. The action all takes place in the King's palace, in the study room, or den, if that's the word. The Prime Minister, General Northrup, a blusterer and a bully, is waiting in ambush with the Queen, also a blusterer and a bully. The poor king, Eric III, who has been out wandering, must confess where he has been and tell a good enough story to quiet his suspicious spouse.


(ORCHESTRA: OUT)


PHIPPS: (VERY LOUD) His Majesty the King!


(MUSIC, ENDING WITH A SOUR NOTE)


KING: You should have that oiled! Good afternoon, everybody. Good afternoon.


NORTHRUP: Good afternoon, your Majesty.


QUEEN: (SAVAGELY) Where have you been?


KING: I've been feeding the pigeons, my love. I had a very upsetting experience. I really have. Pigeons are supposed to say Coo, aren't they, my dear?


QUEEN: Of course they say Coo.


KING: Well, that's what I thought too, but one pigeon kept looking at me -- and I'm practically certain it said Boo!


QUEEN: We have no time now to discuss pigeons!


KING: Oh! I'm sorry. Is -- is there anything wrong?


QUEEN: There certainly is! I've just heard that you've neglected to sign hundreds of orders for the execution of anarchists.


KING: Er...who told you that?


NORTHRUP: I told Her Majesty that, Sir, and I shall be happy to repeat my words to you!


KING: No, you needn't bother. You needn't bother -- both ears are in good working order this morning.


QUEEN: These criminals will murder us all if we give them a chance. Can't you see the monarchy is in dreadful danger?


KING: No, I can't ... But of course, I'm only the monarch. I wouldn't know about those things.


NORTHRUP: Her Majesty is right. If we fail to crush these desperate criminals, they will overwhelm and crush us!


KING: Naturally, they'll -- we'll - oh - and now, Northrup, as Prime Minister, what would you suggest I do? Shoot them personally? Last time I handled a gun I bagged the proprietor of the gallery, and I missed the duck entirely.


QUEEN: You're to sign those orders of execution.


NORTHRUP: They've been accumulating on your desk for weeks.


KING: Here .. on my desk? (SOUND OF RUSTLING PAPERS) I don't remember -- Don't see any. Phipps, will you find my private secretary?


PHIPPS: Directly, your Majesty. (DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS)


QUEEN: Why isn't that young man right here at his job, where he belongs, anyway?


KING: Well, my dear, I believe he is showing our daughter, Anne, some new narcissus in the conservatory.


QUEEN: Narcissus! Our daughter, Princess Anne, being shown narcissus by a secretary!


KING: Well, they may have been rubber plants. I don't know, but Granton, the secretary, is very sound on narcissi. His father was a narcissi grower.


(DOOR OPEN)


PHIPPS: Her Royal Highness, the Princess Anne! And his Majesty's secretary.


(DOOR SHUT)


ANNE: Hello, father!


KING: Hello, Anne.


ANNE: Hello, Mother!


QUEEN: How do you do, my dear.


ANNE: (COLDLY) Er -- good afternoon, General Northrup.


NORTHRUP: Your Royal Highness.


KING: Granton, do you know what happened to some -- er -- papers I had on my desk about some -- er -- executions, or something? I can't find them.


GRANTON: I'm afraid it's my fault, sir. I took them down to the Lord Counsellor's office for verification.


NORTHRUP: Verification, indeed! I drew them myself!


KING: Yes, you heard him -- General Northrup drew them up himself. Will you go and get them, Granton, please?


GRANTON: Yes, your Majesty. (DOOR OPEN AND SHUT)


KING: You see, my dear, it wasn't my fault after all!


NORTHRUP: A flagrant breach of efficiency! I demand that secretary's instant dismissal.


ANNE: But father ... why is that being inefficient?


QUEEN: Anne! Really! He's a pest.


KING: Well ... I'll attend to him later ... after all, he is my private secretary. And now, General Northrup, have you anything else on your mind?


NORTHRUP: Yes, I received, your Majesty, not an hour ago, a telegram from the Foreign Office at Greck.


QUEEN: (EXCITEDLY) Yes? What did it say?


NORTHRUP: I have reason to believe that a marriage may be arranged between Prince William of Greck and our own beloved Princess Anne.


ANNE: What! Me? Why, I've never even met him!


QUEEN: Hush, Anne. Oh, it's a great triumph for us all.


KING: It is, eh? And how was this ... er, triumph, for us all, arranged?


NORTHRUP: I may say that it could never have been accomplished but for the tireless efforts of Her Majesty.


KING: How nice! Well, she doesn't look so tired.


QUEEN: Thank you, General Northrup. Oh, Anne, my darling child ... you're engaged to be married!


NORTHRUP: May I offer my heartfelt congratulations to your Royal Highness?


ANNE: (WILDLY) Congratulations? For what? Nobody has even bothered to consult me about this! (WEEPS)


KING: No one ever consults me, either...so you see, there we are.


QUEEN: It will give us power in the highest councils in Europe.


ANNE: Father! You love me! You understand me! Are you going to let them do this to me?


QUEEN: Come with me, Anne.


ANNE: No. I won't!


KING: Yes...go with your mother, dear. And please don't cry any more. (WHISPERS) I'll see what I can do.


QUEEN: Anne!


ANNE: (SOBBING, FADING) Oh!


(DOOR OPEN AND SHUT ... PAUSE .. KING SIGHS)


KING: My poor little daughter.


NORTHRUP: Oh, she'll get over it. It's the greatest diplomatic triumph in the history of our country.


KING: Look here, Northrup ... I know it's a glorious triumph and all that sort of thing, but I don't care to entrust my daughter's happiness to Prince William of Grock, Grik, Greek, or whatever. ...Good Lord, man --- he's old enough to be her father. Why, he's not any younger than I am!


NORTHRUP: (BELLIGERENTLY) Look here, sir. You're all wrong about this. After all, I'm Prime Minister, this is a constitutional monarchy and I'm acting in the best interests of the country and in accord with the Constitution itself.


KING: The dear old Constitution! My! MY! Do you know, I haven't looked at the Constitution since I went to the University. And it seems to me I flunked the course then, I don't know....


NORTHRUP: Really, your Majesty, I cannot understand....


KING: Never mind, Northrup. Everything's all right. Perhaps you had better get back to your duties. I'm sure you can't have any more time to waste with the KING.


NORTHRUP: Well, your Majesty....


KING: Yes...go along. Shimmy along. I excuse you gladly.


NORTHRUP: Very well. (FADING) Goodbye, your Majesty.


(DOOR OPEN AND SHUT)


KING: MUMBLING TO HIMSELF -- Goodbye, so long. Now, let me see. Where did I put my old copy of the Constitution? Maybe I put it in the bottom drawer...(DRAWER OPEN) No... doesn't seem to be there. (DRAWER SHUT) Maybe in the ice box, no....upstairs. (DOOR KNOCK) Yes? (DOOR OPEN)


GRANTON: Shall I come in?


KING: Yes, Granton, if you're able - come on in. (DOOR SHUT)


GRANTON: I have the documents you asked for, sir.


KING: Documents? Did I ask for some documents? I was looking for a copy of the Constitution....


GRANTON: Oh, the warrants, sir, for the execution of the anarchists.


KING: Oh -- oh yes. So you found them, eh?


GRANTON: Yes sir.


KING: Then take them out and lose them again.


GRANTON: Very good, Your Majesty. Right away. (DOOR OPENS)


ANNE: Father, I must talk to you...oh!


GRANTON: Oh, hello, Anne...er, excuse me, Your Royal Highness.


ANNE: (COMING IN) Hello, Freddie.


GRANTON: If you'll excuse me ... I must go and lose something.


(DOOR SHUT)


KING: What is this -- Freddie - Anne -- Anne - Freddie. Freddie? Anne? How long has this been going on?


ANNE: What?


KING: This charming little romance. This Hello Freddie -- hello Anne, things and stuff.


ANNE: How did you know?


KING: You haven't told me yet how long it's been going on.


ANNE: Ever since he got the appointment as your secretary. We talked together and understood each other and ... and ... well, we fell in love.


KING: Well, that's certainly a natural impulse -- so they tell me. Of course, your mother and I wouldn't know about that.


ANNE: Now you see why I feel so bad about this old prince I'm expected to marry.


KING: But, my darling, your mother has set her heart on the match ... and your mother, Anne, is a woman of extraordinary strength of character, and other things.


ANNE: But you will try to arrange it differently -- won't you, father?


KING: Yes, dear .. I'll try to arrange it....but what with a musty old geezer for a Prime Minister and an overly wise Queen, as the Romans used to say, me thinks the going will be tough.


(MUSIC)


NARRATOR: It is three months later now... the day set for the wedding of Princess Anne and her unbeloved Prince William. In the interim, the country has been sinking into a more desperate state each day, until the threat of revolution becomes really dangerous. But at the moment the royal wedding is the great thing and the King is preparing to speak a few words to his daughter before the ceremony.


(MUSIC: OUT)


KING: Oh Anne, Anne, - come and sit on your father's shoulder -- your mother has asked me to talk to you.


ANNE: Yes, father?


KING: I'm to be very firm with you, Anne dear, do you understand? Now, when the Archbishop asks you, "Do you take this man for your wedded husband?" you are to respond "I do," and you are not to instruct him to go jump in the lake, or climb a tree.


ANNE: How can you joke that way, Father? You're cruel...cruel!


KING: Please don't say that about your old down-trodden father.


ANNE: When Mother and General Northrup fixed up this beautiful marriage three months ago, you said you'd try to help me.


KING: How do you know I haven't, my dear?


ANNE: (SARCASTICALLY) Well, the wedding is about one hour from now. You don't seem to have done much.


KING: I don't understand as my daughter -- my brain is limited really. Listen Anne... you don't realize all the things I've had to think about these last few months. This fellow, Northrup has got control of Parliament and he's trying to run the whole country. He puts our money in guns -- and the poor people starve.


ANNE: Well, I should think you'd do something for your own daughter, anyway.


KING: But you don't realize how serious this whole thing is. I'm going to let you in on a state secret, and don't you go out in a public park and tell everyone. In just a few minutes there's going to be a meeting here with your Mother and General Northrup and Dr. Fellman, the leader of the liberal group that's against Northrup.


ANNE: So what?


KING: So what? That's not quite the thing to say about your father. So what? So if we don't pacify Fellman there'll be a frightful demonstration before the wedding ceremony, with bombs, bullets, and so forth. Why, we'll all probably be blown to bits.


ANNE: My prayers are answered!


KING: Your prayers are ans------ What did you say?


ANNE: I've prayed I'd be struck dead before I had to go through with this horrible marriage!


KING: You prayed -- well, Anne, I'm not surprised - er, er, but I hope that your Mother and Northrup and, er, I, will be able to persuade Fellman that they shouldn't do it.


ANNE: Father, please don't prevent them! It's the last chance I have to escape from Prince William!


KING: Maybe not the last chance. (DOOR OPEN)


PHIPPS: Her Majesty the Queen!


QUEEN: Eric, what do you mean gabbling here with Anne when she should be getting dressed for her wedding? Anne ... go to your room this instant.


ANNE: All right, Mother. (FADING, PLEADINGLY) Father -- let them throw their bombs! I'd rather die!


QUEEN: What in the world is she talking about?


KING: Well, Anne is, er, rather unenthusiastic about her marriage, my love. She is in favor of being blown to bits instead.


QUEEN: Blown to bits?


KING: Little bits. Tiny, unattractive bits, that you kick around on the floor, you know, until they get lost. There's a delightful plan among the anti-Northrup group to toss a few bombs around in the vicinity of the Cathedral during the ceremony.


QUEEN: Nonsense!


KING: Yes, that's what I hope, my love. Nonsense! That's what I hope to persuade their leader when he comes here in a few minutes.


QUEEN: Here?


KING: Yes -- and General Northrup. They're due any minute.


(DOOR OPEN)


PHIPPS: His Excellency, General Northrup.


(DOOR SHUT)


NORTHRUP: Your Majesties ... I've just heard of a conspiracy to prevent the wedding!


KING: Prevent the wedding... What!


NORTHRUP: That young pup, your secretary, has been making love to Princess Anne!


QUEEN: What! I don't believe it!

 

NORTHRUP: I've had Granton arrested.


KING: You've had Granton arrested? And what do you propose to do with him?


QUEEN: (FURIOUSLY) Execute him immediately!


NORTHRUP: Yes!


KING: But it's hardly conspiracy to be in love!


QUEEN: Well, it's unpardonable insolence!


NORTHRUP: I should say!


KING: Wouldn't -- wouldn't it be better for all of us concerned to put him on a ship and send him away?


NORTHRUP: Shooting would be safer.


KING: But it might cause talk, you know, and besides we wouldn't know what to do with the body. We've got 20 or 30 around here now. I know, I'll have a look at the shipping news. (SOUND EFFECT) Here it is. Here ... there's a tramp steamer that sails at two -- the same time as the wedding. The S. S. Calao ... first stop Panama Canal. Now, how would that be?


NORTHRUP: Well, I guess that would be all right.


QUEEN: Very well, but I still think it would be better to shoot him.


KING: Well, now, I'll write an order. (BELL) And you can countersign it, Northrup, you see. Then everything'll be regular.


NORTHRUP: Of course!


(DOOR OPEN)


PHIPPS: You rang, Your Majesty?


KING: Yes -- what do I want to ask? -- Oh, get the Captain of the Guard.


PHIPPS: Very good, Your Majesty.


(DOOR SHUT)


KING: Let's see .. what shall I say? ... (WRITING) Captain of the Guard, Royal Palace. Dear Sir...


NORTHRUP: Dear Sir?


KING: No ... I guess you don't put that in -- just Captain of the Guard, Royal Palace. You are to take your prisoner, Frederick Granton, to the Steamer Calao, bound for South America and see that he sails in it. Signed, The King, or is the King - Eric Rex, oh yes, of course -- Eric, Rex. That good enough, Northrup?


NORTHRUP: Yes, I guess so, Your Majesty.


KING: Then you put your --- countersign it.


(DOOR OPEN)


PHIPPS: The Captain of the Guard, your Majesty.


(DOOR SHUT)


KING: The Captain!


CAPTAIN: Majesty! (BIZ OF SALUTE WITH SLAPPING, CLICKING AND RATTLING)


KING: Well, the same to you ... This order explains itself. General Northrup has countersigned it.


CAPTAIN: Yes, Your Majesty.


NORTHRUP: See that the prisoner is not put aboard until the last minute. We don't want to take any chances.


CAPTAIN: Yes, sir.


KING: That's all, Captain.


CAPTAIN: Majesty! (SAME BIZ AS BEFORE ... THEN DOOR OPEN AND SHUT)


KING: My goodness! I wish I could salute like that!


QUEEN: Really, Eric!


KING: Perhaps it's just as well I can't. I'd probably get saluter's elbow, or clicker's heel, or something.


NORTHRUP: Now, Your Majesty, what did you summon me for?


KING: What did I --- I haven't any idea -- was it a game of checkers? Oh yes -- yes, of course ... Your political opponents are going to blow us up.


NORTHRUP: What!


KING: At the wedding.


NORTHRUP: What!


KING: Yes. They, er, seem to want you to resign.


NORTHRUP: I will not!


KING: Dr. Fellman, the liberal leader, is coming here any minute.


NORTHRUP: I'll have him arrested and shot!


KING: I don't think that would help much. I guaranteed him immunity and if he doesn't get back I imagine his men will be very much annoyed.


(DOOR OPEN)


PHIPPS: Dr. Sedro Fellman!


(DOOR SHUT)


KING: Ah, Dr. Seedy Fellman!


FELLMAN: Your Majesty!


KING: General Northrup I believe you have met.


NORTHRUP: (SNARLS)


KING: Yes. And allow me to present my wife -- she's the King -- the Queen rather, in case you're interested:


FELLMAN: Your Majesty:--


QUEEN: Humph!


KING: Humph to you! And now will you please re-state your position, Dr. Fellman?


FELLMAN: The country is in a lamentable condition, thanks to my esteemed colleague here.


NORTHRUP: (SHOUTING) Why, you infernal, impudent ...


KING: Boys, remember where you are!


FELLMAN: May I finish, General? ... We don't want civil warfare, but we insist on giving the people a chance to elect their representatives.


QUEEN: Isn't Parliament elected?


FELLMAN: Yes -- seven years ago. And Northrup hasn't allowed any general elections since then.


NORTHRUP: And I won't! I am in power. I control Parliament and I won't permit of an election and I won't arbitrate. How do you like that?


KING: Well, I like it very well ... Er, er, you're not exactly lamb-like today, are you, General?


FELLMAN: My people cannot be restrained any longer. The Royal Family and you will probably all be destroyed. The blood guilt will be yours, General Northrup.


NORTHRUP: I accept it! I take full responsibility.


(AD LIB FIGHT BETWEEN NORTHRUP AND FELLMAN)


KING: That's very nice of you, boys, battling over me this way. I think it's grand, really.


FELLMAN: There's nothing left for me to do but go.


KING: (FIRMLY) Just one moment, please. I'd like to have you stay for a second. I've been reading an awfully interesting book lately....


QUEEN: Really, Eric!


FELLMAN: I must ask you to excuse me, your Majesty. I have a lot to attend to.


KING: You have, eh? You just listen to me, Fellman, before you attend to what you have lots to attend to, will you please? The book I've been reading is the Constitution of this, our beautiful kingdom. I was particularly impressed by those passages which describe the duties and function and powers of the king. (COUGH) Northrup, it is my command that Parliament be dissolved and a new election held!


NORTHRUP: What!


KING: Parliament is now dissolved.


QUEEN: Why, Eric. What's come over you?


NORTHRUP: You can't do that!


KING: Well, you look it up in the Constitution, page sixty-four!


NORTHRUP: Page 64!


FELLMAN: That's right. That clause is there! But it hasn't been invoked in years.


KING: Well, we are going to dust it off, and give it another break. Dr. Fellman, I call upon you to assume the temporary Premiership. You will form your cabinet at once and hold a general election as soon as possible. Northrup, you will remain in the army behind the eight-ball where you belong.


NORTHRUP: There must be something wrong with the Constitution, that's all.


KING: There isn't. No, there isn't. It was formed by better men than we are. Goodbye, Northrup, I'll see you at the head of the retreat.


NORTHRUP: (FADING) All right. Goodbye. (DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS)


KING: Goodbye, goodbye. I suppose he should have said goodbye, Your Majesty, but his manners are all shot to pieces ....And you, Dr. Fellman, I daresay you'll have a good deal to attend to?


FELLMAN: Yes, Your Majesty. (FADING) The wedding will take place without disturbance.


KING: Oh yes -- of course, the wedding.


(DOOR OPEN AND SHUTS)


QUEEN: Eric....what has got into you?


KING: Well, I don't....it's just for today, my love. Tomorrow ... who knows? I may be riding the ties again, you never can tell.


QUEEN: You and Anne are to be at the Cathedral in half an hour. Do try to be on time!


KING: Yes, my sweet, yes, my sweet. (DOOR OPEN AND SHUT) Lovely woman... My! My! Now a little note to the Captain. (CALLS) Oh, Phipps! Phippsey! (BELL....DOOR OPEN)


PHIPPS: Yes, Your Majesty?


KING: Just a moment - I'm scribbling something here. Here -- take this note to the Captain of the Guard.


PHIPPS: Very good, your Majesty. And Princess Anne is here, sir. The carriage is waiting below.


KING: Oh, My My! Have Princess Anne come in. And run with that note! Go on, hurry, get on your scooter, go on.


PHIPPS: Yes, Your Majesty. (OFF) Please to come in, your Royal Highness.


(ORCHESTRA: IN)


ANNE: The carriage is all ready, father. We'd better go.


KING: You're being terribly brave, aren't you, Anne?


ANNE: Brave! What else can I be?  I'd gladly be the worst coward on earth if I had the chance.


KING: And you do blame me for all this, Anne.


ANNE: Of course I blame you. You're just as hidebound and heartless as all the rest of them. Have you ever given me a chance to be happy? I'm going to the Cathedral...I'm going through with it all... and I never want to see you again..or Mother, or anybody else in this cruel, hateful place. (WEEPS)


KING: Now, dear. (DOOR OPENS)


PHIPPS: The Captain of the Guard and Frederick Granton!


ANNE: Freddie!


KING: Bring them in, and you stay, too, Phipps. Ah, Captain!


CAPTAIN: Majesty! (SAME SALUTE BUSINESS)


KING: You missed a beat that time, you see. Granton!


GRANTON: Your Majesty. Oh -- Anne!


ANNE: Freddie! Oh, don't let them take me, Freddie. Kill them. Do anything. But don't let them take me away. I love you.


KING: You love him and he loves you ....May I interrupt this love business for just a minute? Captain, you stand to the right, and you, Phipps, to the left. (CLEARS THROAT AND MUMBLES VERY FAST) Frederick Granton -- do you take this woman for your lawful wife?


GRANTON: Why, er --


KING: You do? ..... Anne -- do you take this man for your lawful husband -- 


ANNE: Why, I --


KING: You do? Granton, do you promise to love, honor and cherish -- 


GRANTON: Well, I --


KING: You do! ... Do you promise to love, honor and obey -- 


ANNE: Well, I --


KING: You do! You do! You wed her with this ring, you endow her with all your worldly goods... Let no man put asunder, etc.etc.etc. As King, by the grace of God -- as Lord Vicar of the Church in this, our country -- I hereby pronounce you man and wife...Captain, give me that deportation order, will you?


CAPTAIN: Yes, Majesty. (EFFECT OF UNFOLDING DOCUMENT)


ANNE: (BEWILDERED) What are you doing, Father?


KING: Well, I'm adding the words "and wife" to this official order.


ANNE: Father -- what does this mean?


KING: It's all quite obvious -- I just married you. The Constitution says the King can marry people. Well, I just married you. Phipps and the Captain were your witnesses.


ANNE: Oh, Father! Father darling!


KING: Well, don't say I've never done anything for you, will you? Captain, have you your car waiting?


CAPTAIN: Yes, Your Majesty. 


KING: Then take your prisoners to the ship, will you?


GRANTON: How can I thank you, sir....


KING: Well, in English I think -- that'd be quite -- You just be good to my girl, Granton. I hope you'll be a better husband to her than you were a secretary. You certainly were rotten at that.


ANNE: Oh, Father...when I think what I was just saying to you!


KING: Well, you certainly said some terrible things to me. Yes, my dear, I shall remember it with pleasure on long winter evenings with my pipe and with my dogs underneath me. Run along now. I've got to pull myself together. I've got to go to your wedding. Oh, your wedding! We've just had a wedding -- I've just married you! (SILLY LAUGH) Oh! Oh! I do hope your Mother has read the Constitution!


(MUSIC: UP)


HUGHES: Among all the countless miracles of radio, the most beautiful is surely its enrichment of the home. Humble so ever, remote and lonely so ever, there is no home outside its reach. There is no place of any sort that is not permeated with the ether in which radio swims. Its domestic influence is beyond all calculating. Nowadays innumerable people say, "I must hurry home to my radio." It is most appropriate, therefore, that our own Frank Forest should uplift his gorgeous voice in Teresa del Riego's beautiful song, "Homing."


FOREST ENTERS


APPLAUSE


("HOMING"   FOREST)


APPLAUSE


HUGHES: A thousand bravos, Frank, and now Bill Goodwin takes the floor.


GOODWIN: The Waldorf-Astoria in New York! What a name that is to bring up the gay and spacious days of the past! And the luster of this famous old hotel never shone more brightly than it does in its luxurious new setting on glittering Park Avenue. I am thinking, for example, of that beautiful dining room, with its stunning murals by Sert, so rightly called the "Sert Room." People gather here in this famous restaurant from all over the world, to enjoy the delicacies and food specialities for which the Waldorf-Astoria is famous. Frank Ronga, the headwaiter of the Sert Room, comments especially on how those who appreciate fine foods are also partial to CAMEL Cigarettes. He says QUOTE: CAMELS are the favorite in the Sert Room. It seems that the Waldorf's excellent foods call for CAMEL'S costlier tobacco -- one complements the other. Naturally, anything that adds to the pleasure of our guests pleases us, too. END QUOTE


And so, once again it is observed that people who enjoy fine food, also enjoy CAMELS.


(ORCHESTRA: "THEME"   STOLL)


GOODWIN: (OVER MUSIC) The CAMEL Caravan will continue in just a moment, with Ann Sothern, R.K.O. singing star, Norman Sper, CAMEL's football forecaster, and the orchestras of Benny Goodman and Georgie Stoll.


-- STATION BREAK --


GOODWIN: This is the CAMEL Caravan, and here is our master of ceremonies, Rupert Hughes!


(ORCHESTRA: UP TO FINISH AND OUT)


APPLAUSE


HUGHES: It never rains but it pours, and heaven has certainly poured its blessings on Ann Sothern. She has beauty, great gifts as a screen actress, and she has the gift of song. Her current picture is R.K.O.'s "Smartest Girl in Town," with Gene Raymond. Ann Sothern is generous. Not only does she let the world see and hear her beauty and emotional abilities on the screen, but now she will give her fine voice to the entire ether. 


(AFTER INTRODUCTION) Miss Ann Sothern.....


(ANN SOTHERN ENTERS)


APPLAUSE


SOTHERN: Good evening, Mr. Hughes.


HUGHES: Same to you, Miss Sothern. She has a surprise tonight -- and since she planned it, it seems only fitting that she should tell us about it. Would you like to?


SOTHERN: Yes, Rupert, I'd love to! Now I've got a young sister named Bonnie. She's nineteen, I think very pretty, very clever and I'm terribly proud of her. Ever since she was fifteen or sixteen Bonnie's been writing songs. And everybody seems to think they're very good. Bing Crosby has sung several of her numbers on the air, and the theme song Jimmy Dorsey uses is hers too. Now, I know that Bonnie's listening in to the Caravan tonight. So my surprise is .. to sing her newest song which she wrote last week. It's called "Love Has Not Been Very Kind to Me." She doesn't know I'm going to do it of course. So this will be its world premiere. Will you help me out, Georgie?


("LOVE HAS NOT BEEN VERY KIND TO ME"   ANN SOTHERN)


APPLAUSE


HUGHES: The fickleness of fortune is always keeping football games alive with suspense. The football prophet's life is forever filled with suspense, too. But in the long run, the victories go to the strongest and cleverest players. Norman Sper knows who they are, he figures the results with scientific impartiality. He will now foretell who will be, or ought to be, the victors next Saturday. The CAMEL Chorus will escort him to the presence of Billy Goodwin, the skeptic quizzer.


("SPER SONG"   CHORUS)


(SPER ENTERS)


APPLAUSE


GOODWIN: Are you ready, Norman!


SPER: Ready, Bill.


GOODWIN: All right! On the Pacific Coast, eighty thousand people will see the California - Stanford game this Saturday. How do you see it?


SPER: California! They have a better line offensively and defensively.


GOODWIN: Santa Clara - Loyola.


SPER: Santa Clara! They will remain the only undefeated football team on the Pacific Coast.


GOODWIN: In the South-west, Rice tackles Texas-Christian. Call it!


SPER: Texas Christian! Sammy Baugh's aerial barrage will win.


GOODWIN: Texas A & M - Centenary.


SPER: Texas A & M!


GOODWIN: Well, the big game in the South is the Mississippi State - Mississippi game. What's your choice, Norman?


SPER: Mississippi! Both teams are even in pass offense and defense, but Mississippi has a stronger line.


GOODWIN: Georgia Tech - Florida.


SPER: Georgia Tech!


GOODWIN: Auburn - Loyola of the South.


SPER: Auburn!


GOODWIN: Tulane - Sewanee.


SPER: Tulane!


GOODWIN: South Carolina - North Carolina.


SPER: North Carolina!


GOODWIN: The Northwestern - Notre Dame game is the big mid-west attraction. Who'll win, Norman?


SPER: Northwestern! Notre Dame has a slightly better passing attack, but Northwestern has a stronger line and has the edge on kicking and intercepting passes.


GOODWIN: Ohio State - Michigan.


SPER: Ohio State!


GOODWIN: Indiana - Purdue.


SPER: Purdue!


GOODWIN: Chicago - Illinois.


SPER: Illinois!


GOODWIN: You see? Wisconsin.-Minnesota.


SPER: Minnesota! They'll stop Wisconsin's passing threat.


GOODWIN: Nebraska - Kansas State.


SPER: Nebraska! Too many reserves for Kansas State.


GOODWIN: In the East, Duquesne plays host to Marquette. What do your statistics show, Norman?


SPER: Marquette! Their dally - deadly passing attack will continue.


GOODWIN: Georgia - Fordham.


SPER: Fordham! They have a great line.


GOODWIN: Colgate - Syracuse.


SPER: Colgate!


GOODWIN: Yale - Harvard.


SPER: Yale!


GOODWIN: Here's the last one for this week, Norman - Dartmouth - Princeton.


SPER: Princeton! Dartmouth has a good line, but Princeton will out-kick them and out-trick them.


GOODWIN: Thank you, Norman ... I'll be seeing you next Tuesday.


And so another set of predictions from CAMEL'S great football analyst Norman Sper goes down in the big book to praise him or mock him next Saturday. But so far Norman has been amazingly right -- over eighty per cent right to date. And he's one hundred per cent right on the cigarette he carries to the games with him. Its name is -- CAMELS. When you get all stirred up at the game -- have a CAMEL. When business worries get [...] another CAMEL. [...]


I wonder if you've ever realized how smoking CAMELS aids digestion. I know I never did, until I looked into the subject. Science has a good deal to tell us about this. Fatigue, worry, and strain slow up the flow of the digestive fluids, interfering with good digestion and general well-being. Smoking CAMELS increases this flow of digestive fluids -- alkaline digestive fluids -- thus aiding normal, healthful digestion. You feel more contented, more cheerful -- at peace with yourself and the world. Smoke CAMELS often -- between your meals and afterward. Just remember, the next time you step up to the cigarette counter, CAMELS set you right! -- All right, Rupert!


HUGHES: Well, Billy, I'm sure that I'm violating no confidences in saying that variety is the spice of life. The wonderful thing about the radio is that we can have geographical variety -- transcontinental variety. And so we give you Benny Goodman in New York.


(CUE TO SWITCH TO NEW YORK)


GOODMAN: Thank you, Rupert. And now let's all welcome a very nice girl back from her vacation. Helen Ward, come on out here! Helen, you've only been away three weeks, but to me and the boys it seemed a whole lot longer. Did you rest your voice while you were travellin' around?


WARD: As much as any woman could, Benny.


GOODMAN: That's fine. Well, come on and sing.


(NUMBER   WARD AND GOODMAN)


APPLAUSE


GOODMAN: And now, for a windup, here's a tune they've been calling for quite a lot lately at the Pennsylvania Hotel. "Down South Camp Meeting."


("DOWN SOUTH CAMP MEETING"   GOODMAN)


APPLAUSE


GOODMAN: Thank you. It's yours again, Hollywood.


(CUE TO SWITCH TO HOLLYWOOD)


ANNOUNCER: R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company are the makers of CAMEL Cigarettes and PRINCE ALBERT Smoking Tobacco. If you want real mellow flavor and tastiness in a pipe tobacco, just try PRINCE ALBERT -- the most popular smoking tobacco in the world today. And the makers want to fix it so that any pipe smoker who wants to can try PRINCE ALBERT. So they guarantee satisfaction, or else you get your money back. Here's the proposition! Smoke twenty fragrant pipefuls of PRINCE ALBERT. If you don't find it the mellowest, tastiest pipe tobacco you ever smoked, return the pocket tin with the rest of the tobacco in it to R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company at any time within a month from this date, and they will refund your full purchase price, plus postage. This offer is good at your nearest dealer's, right now!


(ORCHESTRA: THEME   STOLL)


HUGHES: The call is sounding for the Caravan and all its CAMELS to arise and return to the desert of silence for another week. It will be a busy week for us gathering the cargo for our return. It will bring back, for its theatre, that important screen star, Edward Arnold, hero of so many fine roles on the stage and screen, and now making the greatest film triumph in the great Goldwyn success, "Come and Get It." For us he will play the lead in that tremendous drama, "The Last Mile." Along with him, as always, will come riding in on the Caravan, two orchestras ... count 'em ... Benny Goodman's world famous swing band and Georgie Stoll's brilliant orchestra ... the football prophet, Norman Sper ... and the inspiring, almost unerring tenor, Frank Forest. A treasure-laden Caravan indeed. Until next Tuesday then......


GOODWIN: Tune in the CAMEL Caravan next week, and hear Edward Arnold, famous motion picture star; the CAMEL Caravan's own tenor, Frank Forest; football prophet, Norman Sper; plus the orchestras of Georgie Stoll and Benny Goodman. Rupert Hughes is the master of ceremonies.


Bill Goodwin speaking for R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company, Winston-Salem, North Carolina, makers of CAMEL Cigarettes and PRINCE ALBERT Smoking Tobacco.


This is the COLUMBIA....BROADCASTING SYSTEM.


ORCHESTRA: UP AND OUT


APPLAUSE


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