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The Hawaii Trip

My Little Margie

The Hawaii Trip

Sep 01 1955



MARGIE, girlish and giggly

VERN, Margie's father

MRS. ODETTS, nosy neighbor


ANNOUNCER, of quiz show

DR. QUIZZUM, host of quiz show

VOICE (1 scream)

JIMMY, slight Hawaiian accent

and purported ISLAND NATIVES

ANNOUNCER: And now MY LITTLE MARGIE, starring Gale Storm and Charles Farrell.



ANNOUNCER: It's shortly after dinner in the Albright household and Margie and her father are sitting in the living room discussing a very important question: what to do this evening in the way of entertainment. 

VERN: How about a movie, Margie? There's a new picture at the Palace.

MARGIE: What is it?

VERN: Well, it's a bloodcurdling horror movie, "Frankenstein and Dracula Meet the Zombies Who Strangle By Night." 

MARGIE: No, I don't want to see a children's picture. ...

VERN: Yeah. Yeah, that's strictly for kiddies. Hey, there's a prizefight at Madison Square Garden: Slapsie Dugan versus Kid Klotz.

MARGIE: Kid Klotz? Isn't he the one they call "The Crossword Puzzle Boxer"? 

VERN: Yeah, he enters the ring vertically and comes out horizontally. (LAUGHS) ...

MARGIE: I saw him fight once before. It was over so fast, I got a refund on a hot dog. ...

VERN: Yeah, well, I guess the fights are out tonight.

MARGIE: Hey, dad, that indoor ice skating rink is open. How does that sound?

VERN: Ice skating rink?

MARGIE: Uh huh.

VERN: Well, what would I do there?

MARGIE: Oh, it'll be fun. Well, you could skate for hours on end. 

VERN: No, thanks. My end can't take it. ... 

MARGIE: Gee! It's tough trying to figure out a place to go.


MRS. O: Pardon me! I have a suggestion!

VERN: (ANNOYED) Mrs. Odetts, it's quite obvious that you've been eavesdropping on us. Now, why must you always listen at our keyhole? 

MRS. O: I can't help it. Every time I pass a keyhole, it seems to cry out: (EXTRAVAGANTLY) "Listen to me! Listen to me!" ...

MARGIE: Mrs. Odetts, it's so risky standing out there in the hall peeking through a keyhole. Suppose somebody came along, what would you say? 

MRS. O: I'd tell them to wait their turn, I got to the keyhole first! ...


FREDDIE: Good evening, everybody. 

MARGIE: Oh, hi, Freddie boy.

VERN: Hi, Freddie.

FREDDIE: Say, would anybody like to go to a radio quiz show with me tonight? I've got a bunch of tickets. 

MARGIE: A quiz show? Say, they're always a lot of fun. Ah, which one is this, Freddie? 

FREDDIE: Dr. Quizzum. You know, that fresh guy that's always insulting the contestants. 


VERN: I hope he picks me as a contestant. I'd make out very well in a quiz game. You know, I'm nobody's fool. 

FREDDIE: Maybe you can get someone to adopt you! (CRACKS UP WITH HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER) ... 

VERN: Freddie, how would you like to play a new game with me -- the Auto Show game? 

FREDDIE: The Auto Show game? What's that? 

VERN: I'll kick you where I auto, but it won't show. ...

MARGIE: Well, dad, is it settled then? We'll spend the evening at the quiz show?

VERN: Yeah. Yeah, it'll be a novelty.

MRS. O: I'd like to come, too. Maybe they'll pick me as a contestant. 

FREDDIE: Well, come on along, Mrs. Odetts. I've got enough tickets.

MRS. O: Thank you. And if I'm picked, I hope Dr. Quizzum asks me questions about the people who live in this building. Oh, ho ho ho ho ho! Will I give him an earful! ...

MARGIE: I'm looking forward to this. These radio programs are always so much fun. I'll never forget that masquerade program Freddie and I went to last month. 

VERN: Masquerade program? 

MARGIE: (YES) Mm hm. People from the audience dressed up in different things, and you know what? They gave Freddie a prize for wearing the funniest mask. (CHUCKLES) Oh, I laughed. 

VERN: Why?

MARGIE: He wasn't wearing a mask! ...


MARGIE: Dad, I can't believe it. They picked all four of us to be contestants.

VERN: Yeah, I wonder what the prizes are. Oh-oh-oh, oh, be quiet. Here they go. 

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the makers of Jitters Toothpaste and Jitters Tooth Powder present Dr. Quizzum and His Twentieth Century Quiz!

DR. Q: (WILDLY GOOFY, SORT OF A CROSS BETWEEN RED SKELTON AND FRANK NELSON) Good evening! ... In a moment, the quiz. But first! When your dentist looks into your mouth does he say--?


DR. Q: Not if you use Jitters! You see, Jitters will eliminate pink toothbrush -- handle, bristles, and all. ... So why foam at the mouth with just any dental cleaner when, for just a few cents more, you can get the Jitters? ... If you don't prefer our tooth paste, then take a powder! ... Or if you don't care for powder, perhaps you'd like a good paste in the mouth?! ... And now for the quiz! Who's our first contestant?

ANNOUNCER: I have a lady, doctor.

DR. Q: A lady doctor? Well, well! Are you a general practitioner or a surgeon, miss?

MARGIE: Ah, no. No, you don't understand, Dr. Quizzum-- 

DR. Q: I don't understand Dr. Quizzum?! Well, I'd like to see somebody that understands him any better! After all, we share the same body -- and it's a pretty chummy body! ... Now then, what is your occupation? 

MARGIE: Well, I once taught Sunday school.

DR. Q: Oh, no, that's your belief. I mean your profession. For example, I am a great radio personality. 

MARGIE: That's your belief. ... 

DR. Q: (DISAPPROVING ASIDE) We're gonna have some trouble here. (UP, TO MARGIE) The card here says you're Margie Albright.

MARGIE: Uh huh.

DR. Q: Well, Miss Albright-- (DIRTY CHUCKLE) --you're certainly looking lovely tonight.

MARGIE: Er, thanks, Dr. Quizzum. You're certainly looking. ...

DR. Q: Are you ready for your first question?


DR. Q: All right. Now, what kind of a vegetable is used in making onion soup?

MARGIE: Homemade or canned? ...

DR. Q: I don't know. 

MARGIE: You don't know? Then how am I supposed to know? You get paid for doing this. (BEAT) I'll hazard a guess. (BEAT) Onion! But I was rushed into it.

DR. Q: Onion! Wonderful! You're that much closer to our jackpot! Next question: what song is this? (SUDDENLY BURSTS INTO BRIEF, UNMELODIC SCAT SINGING; THEN LAUGHS) Yeah, go ahead, go ahead! ... 

MARGIE: (VERY RAPIDLY) That is the Prelude to Shostakovich's Seventh symphony in which the use of dominant seventh chords creates a fugue with minor fifths. It is distinguished by a fugue of harmonic thirds and subtonic eighths, all against a background of syncopated triplets in nine-eighth's time.

DR. Q: Ahhh, stop talking like a kid. ... Miss Albright, stand by while our judges tally the answers of the other contestants. Now, who's next?!

ANNOUNCER: This gentleman here, Dr. Quizzum!

DR. Q: And what is your name, please?

FREDDIE: Four-Eighteen East Ninety-Eighth Street. ...

DR. Q: Oh, come now, don't be nervous. I want your name, not your address. 

FREDDIE: I'm unemployed. ...

DR. Q: Please! Not what you do for a living. Your name.

FREDDIE: Oh! (BEAT) Four-Eighteen East Ninety-Eighth Street. ... 

DR. Q: Never mind. Now, here's the first question. Complete this sentence: "Old King Cole was a merry old soul and a merry old soul was--"

FREDDIE: (BEAT) Freddie Wilson! ...

DR. Q: I didn't ask for your name!

FREDDIE: Oh! Four-Eighteen East Ninety-Eighth Street. ...

ANNOUNCER: Here's the next contestant, doctor.

DR. Q: Oh! How do you do? Er, name?

VERN: Ah, Vern Albright.

DR. Q: Well, here we go for the first question: "Humpty Dumpty sat on a--" (BEAT) Now -- what did Humpty Dumpty sit on?

VERN: (SLY) What do you think he sat on?

DR. Q: Eh, that's close enough. ... Next question: "Little Jack Horner set in a corner eating his Christmas--" 

VERN: Eating his Christmas toys! ...

DR. Q: Oh, now that's just silly! What kid would chew up his Christmas toys?

VERN: I did. I was a brat! ...

DR. Q: Well, that's not the answer we're looking for. I'm sorry, Mr. Albright, you failed to answer the question correctly. Next contestant.


DR. Q: Well, Princess Laughing Water. ...

MRS. O: (ABRUPTLY INDIGNANT) My name is Florence Odetts!

DR. Q: All right, Mrs. Odetts -- your first question: What are the products of the West Indies? 

MRS. O: Ooooh. I - I don't know.

DR. Q: Oh, come, come! Where do you get your sugar from?

MRS. O: I borrow it from my next-door neighbor! ...

DR. Q: (SHOUTING EXCITEDLY) "Neighbor"! That's the secret word! You said the secret word! (ASIDE, LOW) What a night. (RESUMES SHOUTING) And for saying the secret word, you get a free taxi ride home! And never come back here again! ... And now the judges are handing me the name of tonight's winner in our surprise jackpot. And the winner is: Margie Albright!


MARGIE: Oh! Why, thank you, Dr. Quizzum!

DR. Q: Miss Albright, these are the prizes you have won: a set of matched luggage; a complete wardrobe for daytime and evening wear; and a free vacation for two -- all expenses paid! -- to Hawaii!

MARGIE: Oh! To Hawaii?

DR. Q: Yes. What have you got to say on your good fortune?






ANNOUNCER: Well, Margie won a free trip to Hawaii, but Vern Albright, feeling sorry for Freddie and Mrs. Odetts, took them along, too, at his own expense. So we now find the Albrights and their friends in their beautiful hotel on the beach at Waikiki, ready to begin a glorious Hawaiian vacation. 

MARGIE: Oh, dad, I'm overwhelmed. The climate, the scenery, the flowers--

FREDDIE: Boy, the way things grow out here! Did you see those big potatoes with hair on them? ...

VERN: Those are coconuts, you knucklehead! ... 


VERN: I can hardly wait to do some sightseeing. I wonder where I can find the biggest peak.

MRS. O: I'm right here! ... I've never left your side.

MARGIE: Mrs. Odetts, dad meant a mountain peak.

MRS. O: Oh, who wants to peek at a mountain?

VERN: Ah, Freddie, would you take those suitcases and, uh--?


VERN: Come in?


JIMMY: Aloha! I'm Jimmy Mokakule, the director of social activities at the hotel.

VERN: Oh, hi, Jimmy!

JIMMY: On behalf of the management and staff, I want to welcome you to the Hawaiian Islands. I know you will treasure every minute here, especially the luau tonight to which you are all invited. 

VERN: A luau? What's that?

JIMMY: Well, a luau is a traditional Hawaiian outdoor feast. Oh, if there's anything you'd like to do while you're here -- surfboarding, outrigger canoe riding, or a beach party -- well, just call on me. I'll arrange everything.


MRS. O: Gee, he's nice.

MARGIE: Yeah, I hope he can arrange a date for me. I saw some very nice Navy men from Pearl Harbor in the lobby.

VERN: Margie, there'll be no dating of sailors while we're here. They're just wolves in ship's clothing. ...

MARGIE: Oh, well, okay. There are plenty of good looking fellows around.

VERN: Margie, there'll be no dating at all while we're here. 

MARGIE: (WITH PASSION) But, dad! This is Hawaii! There's a big tropical moon shining above, the sweet fragrance of flowers, the gentle trade winds caressing your face, romance in the air, and nights that were made for love! 

MRS. O: (SWEPT AWAY) Ohhhhhhh, don't just stand there! Kiss me! ...

VERN: Margie, we're in a foreign place, far from home, and you never know what kind of people you'll run into. I will not let you go out with a strange man.

MARGIE: Oh, well. I'll try to have fun by going surfboarding. 

VERN: No surfboarding, Margie. It's too dangerous!

MARGIE: (SIGHS) Well, I guess I can still go swimming. 

VERN: Sure, provided you get another swimsuit. I don't like the one you've got on. It's too skimpy. 

MARGIE: But, dad! Everybody's wearing this suit. 

VERN: Maybe that's why there's no room left in it for you. ... 

MARGIE: Well, gosh! What am I going to do? I think you're being overly protective, and I don't think I'm going to have a very good time!

MRS. O: Oh, sure you will, Margie. Come on, let's get ready for the luau. That ought to be a wingding of an affair. 

FREDDIE: Yeah, those things go on all night, I hear.

VERN: Margie, I expect you to be home and in bed at a reasonable hour.

MARGIE: But, dad, this is a vacation! 

VERN: It makes no difference!

MARGIE: Well, it does to me! (EXTRAVAGANTLY) I'm sorry I won that darn quiz contest. Hawaii! Phooey!

MRS. O: (SWEPT AWAY AGAIN) Double phooey! -- with a Spanish olive on top! -- sticking its tongue out at the both of us! (GUTTURAL EXCLAMATION AS SHE STICKS HER TONGUE OUT) ...



FREDDIE: Boy, Mr. Albright! Look at those hula dancers go! Wow! Those girls are great, aren't they?

VERN: Yeah, but a hula dancer has such an uncertain future.

FREDDIE: How come?

VERN: It's such a shaky business! (CRACKS UP WITH LAUGHTER) ...

FREDDIE: Yeah, but hula dancers have an easy time of it. All they have to do is stand around and twiddle their tums. (CRACKS UP WITH HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER AT LENGTH) ...

VERN: Very true, very true. Oh, this is a fine luau, Freddie. Now pass me some more fish and poi, and some coconut-- (FADES OUT)

MRS. O: (FADES IN, WITH CONTEMPT) Look at those two gluttons, eating and laughing and joking without a care in the world.

MARGIE: (MISERABLE) Yes, while I sit here being miserable. My whole vacation spoiled! I wish I could give them a taste of their own medicine.

MRS. O: Well, there's no sense brooding about it.

JIMMY: (APPROACHES) Hello, girls. Oh, this is a great luau. Isn't it fun to sit on the floor and eat poi?

MARGIE: Next time, I'll sit on the poi and eat the floor. ...

JIMMY: (CHUCKLES) Well, don't worry about it. Not everybody likes it. Oh, but everybody likes hula dancers. You see that hula dancer there? She's the daughter of a tribal chief. You know, lots of tourists from the mainland come over expecting to find savage natives, like the old days. But there aren't any left. 

MARGIE: Well, aren't there any of the old savage tribes on some of the outlying islands, with their old pagan rites and customs? 

JIMMY: Mm, I doubt it. Although some tourists like to believe there are.

MRS. O: (INSPIRED) Savage natives, huh? Ha ha hoooooo! Margie! Listen!



MARGIE: (GIGGLES) Oh, Mrs. Odetts! That's a wonderful idea!


MARGIE: Jimmy? Would you like to do me a favor?

JIMMY: Well, of course, Miss Albright. But what's the favor for?

MARGIE: For the purpose of teaching my father and Freddie Wilson a lesson. Now here's what I want you to do. (WHISPERS INDECIPHERABLY TO JIMMY, THEN GIGGLES)





ANNOUNCER: Well, Margie and Mrs. Odetts are cooking up some kind of plot with Jimmy Mokakule, the hotel social director. As we return to MY LITTLE MARGIE, it's the next morning and we find Margie, her father, Freddie, and Mrs. Odetts cruising around in a small motorboat.


VERN: Oh, Margie, this is a good idea of yours, renting this motorboat. 

FREDDIE: Yeah, it's fun cruising around the open sea like this. 

MARGIE: Oh, it's such a beautiful day and everything is so bright and sunny.


MARGIE: Correction: it's getting gloomy fast.

VERN: What happened?

MRS. O: The motor conked out.

FREDDIE: (DISMAYED) We're stuck out in the open sea!

MARGIE: Well, don't worry. We're only ten miles from land. 

FREDDIE: Which direction? 

MARGIE: Straight down! ...

MRS. O: Look! There's a little island off to our left.

VERN: Well, we've got a couple of oars. Come on, Freddie, let's pull for shore. 


FREDDIE: Whew! Well, we made it, but that was tough going.

VERN: Pull the boat up and let's look around.


MRS. O: Looks like the island's deserted.

MARGIE: Hey, no, wait. Look, there's a crowd of natives coming toward us. (LOW AND NERVOUS, TO VERN) Dad, I'm scared. They look very fierce.

VERN: (ANXIOUS) They're carrying spears and knives and clubs, and - and they're all painted up! Well, now - now keep calm, everybody. 


MARGIE: Look! That tall native raised his hand and they got quiet. 

FREDDIE: (NERVOUS) You know, I heard somewhere that the natives of the Pacific are carnivorous.

MRS. O: I don't care about their politics. ... I just hope they're vegetarians. ...

JIMMY: (DEEP, OMINOUS VOICE) Me Chief Man-a-goo-lah. You no belong here. My people - angry. We - torture!


VERN: (SHOCKED) Oh, Margie! Torture?! (IN DESPAIR) Oh, no, no. I - I heard about these native torturers. They hang you by your nails. 

MARGIE: (DEFIANT) Well, they won't be able to do that to me!

VERN: Why not? 

MARGIE: I bite my nails! ...

MRS. O: Look! They're all bowing down. Margie! They're bowing to you

MARGIE: Yeah! I wonder why. 

JIMMY: (SOLEMN) You - queen.

MARGIE: Me - queen?

JIMMY: We bow down. We obey. We follow. We make you - queen.

MRS. O: (ECSTATIC) Margie! You're a queen!



FREDDIE: Hey! That's great! Queen Margie! Oh, boy! What luck! We've got a chance now.

JIMMY: (SHARPLY) Come! We go now. Go to village!

MARGIE: We better humor him. Let's go. Uh, dad? Er, pick me up and carry me.

VERN: Carry you?! Well, don't be silly. Walk like the rest of us. 

MARGIE: (LOW, IMPLORING) Dad, better not argue with the queen. It'll anger the natives. See? They're beginning to mutter.


VERN: Okay, I'll carry you. Come on, Queen, you can ride me piggyback. 


JIMMY: (BACK TO NORMAL VOICE) Hey, it's working out pretty good, isn't it, Miss Albright?

MARGIE: (GIGGLES) I'll say! In that make-up you scare even me.

JIMMY: (CHUCKLES) The boys in the hotel band are doing great, aren't they?


JIMMY: They're getting a kick out of acting like savages for five bucks apiece.


JIMMY: (CHUCKLES) What a bunch of crazy mixed-up musicians. 

MRS. O: (APPROACHES) Hi, Margie! Oh, hello, Jimmy.

JIMMY: Hi, Mrs. Odetts.

MRS. O: Oh, Margie, those laws you passed are terrific! Your father and Freddie are really suffering! (CHUCKLES)

MARGIE: Sh-sh! Here they come now.

VERN: (APPROACHES) Oh, Margie -- I want my pants back. I will not walk around in a sarong! ...

FREDDIE: Me neither! 

MARGIE: I'm sorry, boys, but on this island everybody must wear a sarong. Your old clothes are out of place.

MRS. O: Don't think about wearing a sarong, Mr. Albright. You're a pin-up boy. ...

VERN: Well, look at me in this darn thing! My legs are sticking out! 

MRS. O: Mmmm! And what legs! You've got a calf that only a cow could love. ...

VERN: Margie, I look silly in this.

FREDDIE: And another thing, Margie--

MARGIE: Now, now just a minute! Why are you wearing boxing gloves?

FREDDIE: They're not boxing gloves! My hands are swollen from cleaning fish! 

VERN: And I'm getting mighty tired of shaving the hair off coconuts! ... 

FREDDIE: Margie, why do I have to clean fish? Aren't they clean enough? They've been bathing all their lives! ... 

MARGIE: Now, listen, Freddie, I don't have to explain why I order you to do things. I am the supreme law on this island and that should be enough for you. 

VERN: Margie, look here! I absolutely refuse to--

JIMMY: (INTERRUPTS; DEEP, OMINOUS VOICE) Silence! No talk bad to queen! She save you two.

VERN: (NERVOUSLY) Oh, heh heh. Oh. Okay, chief. Put that spear down. I'll be good. 

JIMMY: Go! Work!

VERN: Oh, Margie, I don't want to climb any more coconut trees. 

MARGIE: Oh, there's nothing to it. It's just a question of taking pains. 

MRS. O: Yes, mostly in the small of the back. ...

VERN: Why are you doing this? 

MARGIE: Well, it's just an accident of fate that I am queen, but now you can see that two can play at the game of making rules and regulations.

VERN: Ah, but your rules aren't fair! 

MARGIE: Well, I didn't think yours were either -- back in the old days before you became a commoner and I a queen. 

VERN: Oh, nuts! I wonder when we'll be rescued.

MARGIE: Well, I hope we're never rescued. This is the life! Wonderful climate, free food, no worries, no taxes, and my word is law. What else can a woman ask for?

MRS. O: A man. ...


MRS. O: Margie? How much longer are you going to keep this up?

MARGIE: Well, just a little while more. Till dad really gets the point.


MRS. O: Listen. What's that?

MARGIE: Tom-toms. Well, that's strange. The boys haven't done that before.


FREDDIE: (APPROACHES) Margie! Margie, there's a native uprising! They're dancing around a fire and waving their spears and shouting and yelling.

VERN: (APPROACHES) Oh, Margie! Margie, quick! Let's run and hide! Something's happened to the natives!

MARGIE: Oh, don't be silly. I'll send for Chief Man-a-goo-lah and find out what's wrong.

JIMMY: (APPROACHES, NORMAL VOICE BUT GRIM) Don't bother. I came by myself. 


JIMMY: (SHARPLY, TO NATIVES) All right, men! Grab her and tie her up!

MARGIE: (STAMMERS NERVOUSLY AS SHE'S GRABBED) Tie--? Tie--? Stop! Stop that! I'm the queen!

JIMMY: You're a false queen! An impostor! And at sundown, you will be sacrificed to the sun gods!

MARGIE: What?! Jimmy, stop acting! You're not the chief; you're just Jimmy, and - and the natives are just the musicians!

JIMMY: I'm sorry. I've got no control over them. They've reverted to savagery.

MARGIE: (GASPS) Dad! Help me! They're going to sacrifice me!

VERN: I can't, Margie! They're - they're pointing spears at me. I - I warned you that playing around at being a queen was dangerous.

MARGIE: You did not!

VERN: Well, I wanted to, but - but I was too busy holding up my sarong. ...

JIMMY: Come along quietly. Don't struggle. The streets of the village are lined with natives. 

VERN: Mmm! That ought to make walking very soft underfoot. ... 

JIMMY: (APOLOGETIC) I'm powerless to help you, Margie. In two hours, you die. (TO NATIVES) All right, men -- take her!

MARGIE: (SCREAMS) Put me down! Help! Help!


MARGIE: (SHOCKED) Dad! What are you laughing at?!

VERN: At you! (CHUCKLES) Okay, Jimmy, put her down. The gag's over.

JIMMY: (AMUSED, LIGHTLY) Okay, Mr. Albright!


MARGIE: (CONFUSED) Dad! What do you mean? 

VERN: Well, I found out that you played a trick on me by paying those musicians five dollars apiece. So I decided to turn the tables on you -- by paying them ten dollars apiece. 

MARGIE: Dad, that's a dirty underhanded trick. And I'd get mad about it -- (CHUCKLES, GOOD-NATURED) -- only it's not as bad as what I did to you! 

VERN: (CHUCKLES) Well, I think it was well worth it all around. I know I learned my lesson -- not to be so stuffy and overbearing. 

MARGIE: And I learned mine -- not to be so vengeful. But how did you ever find out? 

VERN: Well, I went over to the motorboat to try to fix it, and I discovered how you ruined the engine. You shoved your checkbook stubs into the fuel line, and the last stub was made out to Jimmy and his boys.

MARGIE: Well, let's go back to the hotel. And this time, let's really enjoy our Hawaiian vacation, okay?

VERN: Right! And as an old Hawaiian chief once said: "Mon-ah-kala onny-ku-lee teeny coo-coo Margie ookee."

MARGIE: English translation: That's my little Margie!