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The Donkey, the Table and the Stick

Let's Pretend

The Donkey, the Table and the Stick

Sep 13 1947



CAST:

GWEN

SYBIL

UNCLE BILL, who is also the Narrator

CHILDREN, of the studio audience

BOB


NARRATOR

JACK JAMISON

FATHER, Jack's dad; grumpy and disapproving

BETTY ANN, Jack's girlfriend; warm and loving

MR. LANDIS, Betty Ann's father

MADAM DAHLIA, rural accent

DONKEY, who brays

MR. CRAFTY, the deceitful innkeeper

SUZANNE, Crafty's daughter

JOINER




MUSIC: LET'S PRETEND THEME ... KOMZAK'S "FAIRY TALE"... THEN ACCOMPANIES SINGERS--


GWEN & SYBIL: (SING)

Cream of Wheat is so good to eat. 

Yes, we have it every day, 

We sing this song, "It will make us strong 

And it makes us shout HURRAY!"

It's good for growing babies, 

And grown-ups, too, to eat. 

For all the fam'ly's breakfast,

You can't beat Cream of Wheat! 


MUSIC: OUT


UNCLE BILL: Cream of Wheat, the Great American Family Cereal, presents LET'S PRETEND.


SOUND: CHEERS AND APPLAUSE


UNCLE BILL: Well, thank you, Pretenders, for that nice reception.


CHILDREN: You're welcome, Uncle Bill!


UNCLE BILL: Gwen, what did you say today's story was going to be? "The Donkey--"?


GWEN: "--the Table and the Stick."


UNCLE BILL: Oh, yes! Well, it took all three of us to get that one out, didn't it?


GWEN & SYBIL: (LAUGH)


UNCLE BILL: And, Sybil, who is going to say how we travel?


SYBIL: Eeny meeny miney mo -- Bob Readick, tell us how we go!


BOB: I vote for a whole herd of elephants!


GWEN: Wow, Bob! A herd of elephants it is! All set, everybody? 


CAST: (MURMURS AGREEMENT)


GWEN: One, two, threeee!


SOUND: WHIZ BANG! ... FOR ELEPHANTS' SUDDEN APPEARANCE ... ELEPHANTS TRUMPET


GWEN: (LIKE A TRAIN CONDUCTOR) These elephants for LET'S PRETEND and the story of "The Donkey, the Table and the Stick"! Up, Jumbo!


SOUND: ELEPHANTS TRUMPET, ET CETERA ... CAST SHOUTS ("COME ON, KIDS!" "LET'S GO!" ET CETERA) AND MURMURS EXCITEDLY AS THEY CLIMB ABOARD THE ELEPHANTS


GWEN: Oh, gee, Uncle Bill, I feel as if I'm ten stories up in the air! No wonder they call this elephant Jumbo.


UNCLE BILL: (CHUCKLES) You said it, Gwen. And you know, Pretenders, that name Jumbo is a mighty good word to describe that great big package of Cream of Wheat that gives you forty generous servings. It's a real jumbo package, brimming with the smoothest, tastiest breakfast cereal that ever brought you back for a second helping. "So eat a better breakfast, feel better all day / Get a better start, the Cream of Wheat way." And keep listening for our special Cream of Wheat Game right after the first act of today's story, "The Donkey, the Table and the Stick."


MUSIC: JAUNTY INTRODUCTION ... THEN BEHIND NARRATOR--


NARRATOR: Once upon a time, when the Big Dipper was filled with recipes on how to work magic -- and a few people knew it -- an impatient father and his son dwelt in a neat cottage in a little town. We find them now talking in the village square.


FATHER: I tell you once and for all, Jack, I won't stand your idle, shiftless ways any longer.


JACK: But my ways aren't idle, father. Just because the kind of work I've chosen doesn't please you, that doesn't--


BETTY ANN: (APPROACHES) Good morning, Mr. Jamison. Hello, Jack.


JACK: (EXHALES HAPPILY) Betty Ann, I'm glad to see you. (POLITELY) Uh, good morning, Mr. Landis.


LANDIS: (JOVIAL) Good morning, Jack; Mr. Jamison.


FATHER: (GRUMPY) Good morning, Mr. Landis. Good morning, Betty.


BETTY ANN: What's the trouble, Jack? You look worried.


FATHER: Ha! Jack worried? He's too lazy even to do that.


LANDIS: Why, Jack's a good boy, Mr. Jamison. Not a worker with muscles perhaps, but I call him very clever with his brains.


BETTY ANN: (LOVINGLY) And so do I, father. I think Jack's wonderful.


JACK: (SHYLY) Thank you, Betty Ann. I, er-- I think you're wonderful, too.

 

FATHER: (SCORNFUL) Huh! Better learn to make a living, Jack, before you start making love.


BETTY ANN: And I'm not ashamed to say before the world that I love Jack -- and someday we're -- we're--


JACK: Someday we're going to be married. Thank you, Betty Ann, for your loyalty and courage.


FATHER: (INCREDULOUS) Is this true, Mr. Landis? Do you mean to say you have given your consent for Betty Ann to marry this worthless fellow?


LANDIS: (LAUGHS) Yes. Yes, that's true. I have agreed that they could marry as soon as Jack can take care of Betty Ann properly.


FATHER: (GROANS)


BETTY ANN: Good old dad!


JACK: And you, father? Now that Mr. Landis has agreed, what do you say?


FATHER: Well-- I agree. When and if you can support her properly, you may marry her -- if she's not too old and crippled to walk to the church! Heh!


LANDIS: (CHUCKLES)


JACK: I shall hold you to your promise.


FATHER: Ah, Mr. Landis, let's go over to our good friend, the host of the inn, and visit in more pleasant surroundings.


LANDIS: Well, thank you! I shall accept gladly. Goodbye, Jack.


FATHER: Bye bye, Betty.


BETTY ANN: Goodbye, Mr. Jamison.


JACK: (BEAT, AS FATHER AND LANDIS EXIT; THEN, HELPLESSLY--) Betty Ann, the time has come when I can't stand this treatment any longer. Father won't try to understand my ambition. I can't go on being humiliated before everyone.


BETTY ANN: I know, and I don't blame you. But what do you intend to do?


JACK: (EXHALES, DETERMINED) I'll go away, seek my fortune, and then come back to you. Betty Ann, will you wait for me? Will you believe in me and let me come back to you when I can take care of you as I want to?


BETTY ANN: If it's a hundred years, I'll wait.


JACK: (EXHALES) With your love and faith in me, I will not fail. Bless you, my love, and keep you safe while I'm away.


MUSIC: BRIDGE


DAHLIA: Well, Jack my boy, your year of labor with me is up today, isn't it?


JACK: Ah, the year has gone quickly, Madam Dahlia. Have I pleased you? Have I done my tasks well?


DAHLIA: Oh, very well, my boy. You've kept your word.


JACK: Thank you, madam.


DAHLIA: Jack, in all this time, you've never asked me what I intended to pay for your year's work with us. Why?


JACK: Well, you told me you would pay me well, madam. I believed you, that's all.


DAHLIA: (LAUGHS) Do you believe everybody, Jack?


JACK: Oh, I think so. I find people good and honest, most generally.


DAHLIA: I hope you always will. Well, now, come out in the yard. I want to give you your wages.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


JACK: (CHUCKLES) My wages? Out in the yard?


DAHLIA: (YES) Mm hm.


JACK: (LIGHTLY) Well, this begins to sound mysterious.


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES ... THEIR STEPS TO DONKEY--


DONKEY: (HEE HAWS)


DAHLIA: There he is. What do you think of him?


JACK: A donkey, Madam Dahlia? (CHUCKLES) What in the world can I do with a donkey?


DAHLIA: Why, you don't think that I'd give ya just an ordinary donkey for your year's work, do you? Now listen carefully to me, Jack. Pull his ear -- and, as you do, say, "Bricklebrit!" Now watch. (BEAT, TO DONKEY) Bricklebrit!


DONKEY: (HEE HAWS BEHIND--) 


SOUND: CLATTER OF COINS ON GROUND


JACK: (SURPRISED) Money!


DAHLIA: (LAUGHS)


JACK: (AMAZED) Gold coins dropped from his ear!


DAHLIA: Yes.


JACK: (PLEASED) My fortune is made, Madam Dahlia. I'm eternally grateful for this magic gift.


DAHLIA: Well now, tell me, what will you do?


JACK: Well, Madam Dahlia, you've made it possible for me to see my dearest dream come true. I shall return to my home, marry Betty Ann, and give her everything she deserves.


DAHLIA: Excellent!


DONKEY: (HEE HAWS BEHIND--) 


SOUND: OF DONKEY'S STEPS AS JACK LEADS IT AWAY, IN BG


JACK: Now, come on, little Bricklebrit donkey. Your ears are going to be pretty busy for a while. Goodbye, madam!


DAHLIA: Goodbye, Jack! And good luck to ye!


MUSIC: BRIDGE


JACK: (CALLS) Landlord! Landlord?! Mr. Crafty?!


SOUND: CALL BELL RINGS


JACK: (CALLS) Where is everyone?!


SUZANNE: (OBSEQUIOUS) Oh, sir, we didn't know there was a guest. (GASPS, ABRUPTLY CONDESCENDING) Why, it's Jack. Jack Jamison come home.


JACK: Right you are, Suzanne -- and wanting the best room in the inn.


SUZANNE: (CALLS) Father, it's Jack Jamison. Don't you remember him?


CRAFTY: (APPROACHES, EQUALLY CONDESCENDING) Oh, yes, yes, I remember him. So you're back home after seeking your fortune, eh? And, er, what luck?


DONKEY: (HEE HAWS)


CRAFTY: Ohhhh, a donkey, eh? Is that the best you could do in your year's travels, Jack?


SUZANNE: (CHUCKLES)


JACK: (UNFAZED BY THEIR CONDESCENSION) Ah, you shall see how well I've done. And now, Mr. Crafty, a dinner of the finest food and the rarest wines the cellars afford.


CRAFTY: Oh, show me your money, my friend, before you order our best suite, our best food, our oldest wine.


JACK: Ah, very well. Uh, please notice. (TO DONKEY) Uh, come here, my little donkey.


SOUND: DONKEY TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS


DONKEY: (HEE HAWS)


JACK: All right. (BEAT, TO DONKEY) Bricklebrit!


SOUND: CLATTER OF COINS ON WOODEN FLOOR


JACK: (QUIETLY TRIUMPHANT) Well, landlord, there's my first payment.


SUZANNE: (GASPS, ASTONISHED) Father, did you see that?


CRAFTY: Am I losing my eyesight? Did gold coins really fall from that donkey's ear?


JACK: (QUIET CHUCKLE) They did indeed. Well then, are you satisfied? How 'bout my food and, er, the suite?


CRAFTY: (ABRUPTLY AND HEARTILY OBSEQUIOUS) Oh ho, yes, yes! Yes, sir, right away! The best the inn affords! The suite at the top of the stairs! Yes, sir!


JACK: (MOVING OFF) Thank you. I shall go to my room now and change. 


SOUND: JACK'S STEPS ON THE STAIRS ... THEN BEHIND--


JACK: (OFF) I, er, won't be very long.


SOUND: JACK'S STEPS FADE AS HE EXITS


SUZANNE: (SARDONIC) Well, father, things have certainly changed, haven't they?


CRAFTY: Hm! It would seem so. And what a fortune in that donkey! (CONFIDENTIALLY) Suzanne, I have an idea. Listen to me. You remember the donkey we use to haul wood?


SUZANNE: Yes?


CRAFTY: It's the same size as this magic one. Now, I'll take this to the stable and bring the other here in its place. Jack won't know the difference. And when he leaves, we'll have the magic donkey with the gold coins, and Jack will have the mangy one from the stable.


SUZANNE: (AMUSED) Ohhhhh, how clever! Of course! Hurry up now, father, and exchange them before he comes downstairs.


SOUND: OF DONKEY'S STEPS AS IT'S LED AWAY, IN BG


DONKEY: (HEE HAWS)


SOUND: DONKEY'S STEPS FADE OUT AS IT AND MR. CRAFTY EXIT ... THEN INN DOOR OPENS ... FATHER'S STEPS IN


FATHER: Er, Suzanne--?


SOUND: INN DOOR CLOSES


SUZANNE: (STARTLED GASP, RECOVERS) Oh, er, how do you do, Mr. Jamison?


FATHER: Suzanne, someone told me they thought they saw my son Jack coming into the tavern.


SUZANNE: Uh, yes, Mr. Jamison. Jack has arrived and is upstairs.


FATHER: Well!


SUZANNE: Oh, er, here's father.


SOUND: DONKEY'S STEPS APPROACH


CRAFTY: (UNPLEASANT, TO DONKEY) Come on, you mangy beast. (SEES FATHER, ABRUPTLY PLEASANT) Oh! How do you do, Mr. Jamison? Your son has just arrived. He brought this little donkey with him. (POINTEDLY) Though I can't see what good it is.


FATHER: (SCORNFUL) Huh! Jack's idea of riches, probably. (CONCEDES) At least it's more than he's ever had before. Well, I'm eager to have a look at him.


SOUND: JACK'S STEPS DOWN STAIRS


JACK: (APPROACHES) Hello, father! I'm glad you've come. And I'm eager to show you that now I can make my own way in the world.


FATHER: I'll be glad to know it. How have you managed?


DONKEY: (HEE HAWS, SLIGHTLY OFF)


JACK: (CHUCKLES) I'll show you, father. And I'm sure that even you will be delighted with my prize. Come here, little donkey.


SOUND: DONKEY TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS


DONKEY: (HEE HAWS)


JACK: All right. Now notice, father: I pull the ear -- so. Bricklebrit! (PAUSE, PUZZLED, TO HIMSELF) Wha--? What's the matter? (BEAT) Well, I don't understand. Wait a minute, I'll try the other ear. (BEAT) Bricklebrit! (BEAT, HELPLESSLY, TO HIMSELF) Something has happened. His ears don't drop gold and silver coins like they did. What has happened?


FATHER: Do you mean to tell me that I'm supposed to believe that this mangy donkey's ears were full of money?!


JACK: Well, Mr. Crafty and Suzanne can tell you I speak the truth. They saw it! Didn't you, landlord?


CRAFTY: (FEIGNS SURPRISE) I? I saw nothing more than I see now.


JACK: (HELPLESSLY) Suzanne, you saw it. Tell him the truth.


SUZANNE: (FEIGNS CONFUSION, EXHALES) I don't know what you mean.


FATHER: (WITH DISGUST AND FURY) Bricklebrit! Pull an ear and coins fall out! Bah! Try to make a donkey out of me, will you?! I'll show you!


SOUND: FATHER BEATS JACK


JACK: (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)


FATHER: Now! Get out of this town!


JACK: (RESIGNED BUT DETERMINED) All right, father, I'll go. But one year from today I shall be back. And you won't beat me then.


SOUND: FATHER BEATS JACK, HERDING HIM TOWARD THE EXIT BEHIND--


FATHER: (MOVING OFF) Get out, you fraud! You lazy, deceitful fool! Get out!


SUZANNE

& CRAFTY: (CHUCKLE QUIETLY BETWEEN THEMSELVES WITH GREAT AMUSEMENT)


MUSIC: BRIDGE


JOINER: Well, Jack, you've been with me a full year today, haven't you?


JACK: That's right, sir. And I believe I've mastered the joiners' trade pretty well, haven't I, sir?


JOINER: You have served me faithfully and honestly, too. And now what about wages for your year of work?


JACK: Well, whatever you say, sir. You told me you would pay me well. And I know your word is good.


JOINER: Well spoken, son. I am glad that I can pay you with something that money cannot buy. And here it is.


SOUND: LITTLE WOODEN FOLDING TABLE SET UP


JACK: (SURPRISED, TRIES TO HIDE DISAPPOINTMENT, AWKWARDLY) Wha--? A little table? It's - pretty, sir. Uh, well put together, too. Thank you, sir.


JOINER: (CHUCKLES) This is no ordinary table, Jack. You have only to set it up and say, "Table, be covered with food of my choice." And presto! Everything that you could desire will be set before you.


JACK: Well then, this is indeed a most unusual table. Thank you, sir. And will it continue to do this? (SHEEPISH) Once before, I was given what seemed to be a magical gift, but it, er, didn't seem to work out that way.


JOINER: (REASSURING) As long as you shall live it will obey you.


JACK: Wonderful. At all events, then, I shall always have enough to eat. Well, sir, I'll be on my way to my home -- where a very lovely person waits for me.


JOINER: Oh? Well! Good luck to you.


JACK: Thank you, sir, and, er, goodbye!


MUSIC: CURTAIN ... ENDS WITH LET'S PRETEND THEME


SOUND: CHEERS AND APPLAUSE


GWEN: Cream of Wheat Game time, Uncle Bill! What's on the program for today?


UNCLE BILL: Well, Gwen, it's that all-time favorite, the Sound Effects Game. You all know how it goes. (CLEARS THROAT) I tell my story and you come in with sound effects every time I give you the signal. All right, here we go. One morning, a young fellow woke up bright and early. As he started getting dressed for school, he thought to himself, "Ho hum, I wonder what mom's gonna have for breakfast this morning." In fact, he wasn't very excited about breakfast until he heard a noise. He looked out the window and there, roaring down the street, was a great big red fire engine!


SOUND: ROAR OF FIRE ENGINE ... WITH BELL, SIREN, ET CETERA


UNCLE BILL: Well, that terrific speed and power made him think of Enriched Five-Minute Cream of Wheat. It reminded him of that speed of cooking; that famous get-up-and-go food power. He thought of its blood-building iron, its teeth and bone-building calcium and phosphorous, and appetite-building Vitamin B-1. And, thinking of his own appetite, he quickly finished dressing, practically flew down the stairs like this--


SOUND: OF SOMETHING LIKE THE RUMBLE OF ROLLER SKATES ON A RAMP 


UNCLE BILL: --and burst into the kitchen and shouted, "Hey, mom! Got any Cream of Wheat?!" And sure enough, there was a big bowl of smooth, delicious Cream of Wheat waiting for him at the table. Oh, well, he pitched right in, and in no time at all, he had cleaned up the last tempting spoonful of Cream of Wheat, grabbed his books, and was off to school faster than a jet-propelled pursuit plane.


SOUND: OF A JET-PROPELLED PURSUIT PLANE


UNCLE BILL: Yep, that young friend of ours was off to school with that grand and glorious feeling; that happy, heads-up Cream of Wheat feeling. And if that sounds like the way you want to start every day, just remember this: "For a brighter, happier day at school / Make Cream of Wheat your breakfast rule." It's wwwwwwwway up in flavor--


MUSIC: SLIDE WHISTLE UP


UNCLE BILL: It's wwwwwwwway down in cost.


MUSIC: SLIDE WHISTLE DOWN


UNCLE BILL: It's plenty smooth.


MUSIC: TAG


SOUND: CHEERS AND APPLAUSE


UNCLE BILL: And now back to our story of "The Donkey, the Table and the Stick."


MUSIC: SECOND ACT INTRODUCTION ... THEN BEHIND NARRATOR--


NARRATOR: Another year has passed and Jack Jamison returns to his home. This time his gift from his employer is a magic table, which at his command is covered with whatever food he desires. As our scene opens, he is entering the tavern of the deceitful Mr. Crafty.


JACK: (CALLS) Landlord?! Mr. Crafty! Suzanne! (NO ANSWER) Where is everybody?


CRAFTY: (APPROACHES, CONDESCENDING) Well! Well, Master Jack! So you've come back home, eh?


SUZANNE: Hello, Jack! (IMPRESSED) Oh, my goodness, how big you've grown. And good-looking, too. This year has changed you a lot. I'm glad to see you.


JACK: Thank you. Uh, how 'bout a room? Oh, a suite for me, landlord.


CRAFTY: Oh, not so fast, my friend. We've not forgotten that, er, donkey of last year. No tricks this time.


JACK: Well, no tricks from me. But, Mr. Crafty, I'd advise you to be on the lookout. I'm afraid there are some very dishonest people here.


SUZANNE: (YOU SILLY BOY) Oh, Jack! (CHANGES SUBJECT) And now, uh, what about food? It's pretty late. I doubt if I can find anything but cold cuts and salad.


JACK: Oh, no cold cuts and salad for me, Suzanne. (MUSES) Ah, let me see what I want. Mushroom soup. Bit of fish. A roast chicken. Artichokes and baked potatoes. A green salad would be nice, I think, yeah. And, uh, some chocolate cream pie. That'll do very nicely.


CRAFTY: Will do?! It would take a whole day to prepare that order!


JACK: (CHUCKLES) Not the way I order. Ah, shall I show you?


CRAFTY: (CONDESCENDING) I wish you would.


SUZANNE: (THE SAME) Of course. Show us.


JACK: Ah, help me set up this little table here.


CRAFTY: All right.


SOUND: TABLE SET UP


JACK: There we are. Now, are you watching?


CRAFTY: All eyes, friend Jack.


JACK: (A COMMAND) Table, be covered with food of my choice!


SOUND: WHIZ BANG! ... PLATES, DISHES, AND UTENSILS DROP GENTLY ONTO WOODEN TABLE


CRAFTY: (SURPRISED) Wha--?


JACK: (QUIETLY TRIUMPHANT) Ah! There you are, my friends.


SUZANNE: (AMAZED AND DELIGHTED) Oh, how perfectly wonderful. Look, father, everything one can think of, and the soup and meats are steaming hot.


CRAFTY: (THE SAME) Why, Jack -- you've a fortune in this little table.


JACK: (CHUCKLES) I thought you'd like it. Ah, you can give that food to someone who needs it. My father and Betty Ann are coming over to the inn. I want another table of food for them.


SUZANNE: Of course. Certainly.


JACK: So I'll go to my room and freshen up a bit. (MOVING OFF) I, er, won't be but a moment.


SOUND: JACK'S STEPS UP STAIRS ... THEN FADES OUT AS HE EXITS


CRAFTY: (CONFIDENTIALLY) Quickly, Suzanne. Get that little table back of the desk.


SUZANNE: (WITH DELIGHT) You mean we're going to take the table as well as the donkey, father?


CRAFTY: Certainly. Help me clear this table of food. Now, hurry up.


SUZANNE: All right.


SOUND: TABLE CLEARED ... AND DISHES, ET CETERA, PILED ON TRAY, IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--


CRAFTY: Pile everything on this tray.


SUZANNE: Yes, father.


CRAFTY: Quickly, before he returns.


SUZANNE: There you are. Now what?


CRAFTY: Now put the cloth on. (CHUCKLES) He'll never notice the difference. Quickly now. Here comes Betty Ann and Jack's father.


SOUND: INN DOOR OPENS ... THEN CLOSES BEHIND--


BETTY ANN: How do you do, Suzanne?


FATHER: Good day, landlord. Has my son Jack arrived yet?


CRAFTY: Oh, here and expecting you, sir.


BETTY ANN: (EAGERLY) Oh, how is he?


SUZANNE: He's grown, and quite good-looking.


BETTY ANN: Suzanne, tell us more about him.


SUZANNE: (FEIGNS UNEASE) Well, er-- Perhaps you'd better tell them, father.


CRAFTY: (PUZZLED) Eh? Tell them? Er, what about?


SUZANNE: (HINTS BROADLY) About the, er-- The strange way he's behaving.


CRAFTY: The strange--? (GETS THE HINT) Oh, yes! Yes, yes. Uh, Mr. Jamison--?


FATHER: Yes?


CRAFTY: Er, I think I ought to tell you. Jack acts very strangely. I don't know just what it is, but I would say his mind is, shall we say, wavering. Oh, here he is.


SOUND: JACK'S STEPS DOWN STAIRS


JACK: (APPROACHES) Hello, father! Oh, hello, Betty Ann. Oh, my dear, how glad I am to see you.


BETTY ANN: And I you, Jack. How big you are! And, oh, Suzanne was right! Why, Jack, you're handsome!


FATHER: Well, son, have you done better this year than last?


JACK: Ah, you shall see, father. Ah, sit down at the table, everyone, and as we eat I shall tell you. Here, Betty Ann -- you sit next to me.


SOUND: CHAIR SCRAPES


JACK: Ah, you there, father.


SOUND: CHAIR SCRAPES


FATHER: (DISAGREEABLY, AS HE SITS) Yeah.


JACK: So-- (A COMMAND, TRIUMPHANTLY) Little Table, be covered with food of my choice! (BEAT, DEFLATED AND PUZZLED) Well, what's happened here?


FATHER: (VERY SNIDE) Nothing, as far as I can see. What's supposed to happen?


JACK: (HELPLESSLY) Well, the table is magic. It should be covered with food by this time.


FATHER: (SCORNFUL) So! Another year and another useless bit of foolishness! Last year, a donkey with gold in his ears! This year, a magic table! And once again you've made idiots out of all of us!


BETTY ANN: (WITH QUIET SYMPATHY AND PASSION) I believe in you, Jack. I know there's something very wrong and you're not to blame.


JACK: (QUIETLY) Bless you, Betty Ann. You're right, but -- I'll bide my time.


FATHER: (EXPLODES) Get out and don't come back!


BETTY ANN: I'll wait, Jack, and I'll always believe in you.


JACK: Thank you, Betty Ann. 


MUSIC: BRIDGE


JACK: Well, this is very nice of all of you to meet me here at the inn. Ah, but where's Betty Ann?


BETTY ANN: (APPROACHES) Here I am, Jack. Welcome home!


FATHER: (SKEPTICAL) Well, son, another year has passed.


JACK: Yes, father. Excuse me just a moment, please. (CALLS) Mr. Crafty? Suzanne? Uh, come here, please.


SUZANNE: Hello, Jack. Glad you're home. (GASPS, IMPRESSED) Oh, my goodness -- you're better looking than ever.


JACK: (CHUCKLES) Thanks, Suzanne. But I'm afraid you won't think so in a minute.


FATHER: (IMPATIENT) Come, come, Jack -- what trade have you learned? And what do you have to show for your year's absence?


JACK: I've learned the carpenter's trade, father.


FATHER: Oh?


JACK: This little stick I carry is my salary.


FATHER: (SCORNFUL) Heh!


JACK: Mr. Crafty? 


CRAFTY: Yes?


JACK: Suzanne? 


SUZANNE: Yes, Jack?


JACK: I have a couple of questions I want to ask you. And I earnestly advise you to think well what you answer. (BEAT, SHARPLY) Where is the donkey with ears that drop gold and silver coins?


CRAFTY: I told you then and I tell you now, I never saw such an animal.


JACK: Suzanne? Perhaps you know.


SUZANNE: (EXHALES, HAUGHTILY) Don't make me laugh, Jack. There isn't any such thing.


JACK: You're quite sure, Suzanne?


SUZANNE: Certainly I'm sure.


JACK: I see. Mr. Crafty? Where is my magic table that is covered with food at my command?


CRAFTY: (SCOFFS) Oh, I never heard of such a table. Idiot!


JACK: Did you, Suzanne? Notice this stick I carry and tell the truth. It will be better for you, I warn you.


SUZANNE: (CHUCKLES) Oh, don't be idiotic.


JACK: (LIGHTLY) Hm. All right, Mr. Landlord -- and your dishonest daughter -- you've brought it on yourselves. (BEAT, A COMMAND) Up, Stick, and beat the life out of them!


SOUND: WHIZ BANG! ... MAGIC STICK STARTS WHACKING CRAFTY AND SUZANNE ... CONTINUES IN BG


CRAFTY: (GASPS AND EXCLAIMS IN PAIN AND TERROR) Wha--? Stop it! Get away! Oh! Ow! It's beating me!


SUZANNE: Jack! Make it stop!


CRAFTY: Make it stop! It's beating me!


JACK: (SHARPLY) The donkey and the table -- where are they?!


CRAFTY: I don't know. Oh! Get away! Help me -- somebody!


SUZANNE: Oh, stop it! Make it stop!


JACK: (A COMMAND) Up, Stick, and beat the life out of them until they tell the truth!


CRAFTY: (DESPERATE) I'll get them! Make it stop! I'll get them! Make it stop! 


JACK: Very well. (A COMMAND) Cease, Little Stick, till I say the word!


SOUND: WHACKING STOPS


CRAFTY &

SUZANNE: (BREATHE HEAVILY, IN RELIEF)


JACK: Now get them -- and quickly, too.


CRAFTY: (MISERABLE) Suzanne, the table is behind the desk. Get it.


SUZANNE: (FEARFUL) I - I'll get it. Don't let the stick hit me again.


JACK: And the donkey, Mr. Crafty -- where is it? Quickly!


CRAFTY: The donkey is tied just outside the door here.


JACK: I'll see. (A CASUAL COMMAND) En garde, Magic Stick -- don't let them move.


SOUND: INN DOOR OPENS


DONKEY: (HEE HAWS)


JACK: Ah, little donkey, come here.


SOUND: DONKEY TAKES A FEW STEPS INTO INN ... THEN STOPS


JACK: All right, we'll see. (BEAT) Bricklebrit!


DONKEY: (HEE HAWS BEHIND--)


SOUND: CLATTER OF COINS ON WOODEN FLOOR


FATHER: (ASTOUNDED) Wha--? Why, it's amazing!


JACK: (SATISFIED) That's better!


SUZANNE: (TIMIDLY) Here's the table, Jack.


JACK: Thank you, Suzanne.


SOUND: TABLE SET DOWN


JACK: Ah, what a pity you had to be spanked. (LIGHTLY) But little girls shouldn't be dishonest. (EXHALES, MORE SERIOUS) Now we shall see if this is my magic table. (A COMMAND) Little Table, be covered with food of my choice!


SOUND: WHIZ BANG! ... PLATES, DISHES, AND UTENSILS DROP GENTLY ONTO WOODEN TABLE


FATHER: (ASTONISHED) Wha--? Jack! Why, Jack, this is wonderful!


JACK: (CHUCKLES, PLEASED)


FATHER: Why, your fortune is made, son! You'll never want for anything as long as you live!


JACK: (DEEPLY FELT) Betty Ann my dearest -- will you marry me now?


BETTY ANN: Why, Jack, I promised you I'd wait forever. I loved you always whether you were rich or poor -- you know that.


JACK: (LOVINGLY) Oh, my dearest. At last, your faith and loyalty can be repaid. (LIGHTLY) And, er, Betty Ann, you know the secret of the magic stick. If ever I'm not the best and most devoted husband in the world, why, you know what to say: (MERRILY) "Up, Stick, and beat the life out of Jack!"


MUSIC: CURTAIN ... SEGUES TO LET'S PRETEND THEME


SOUND: CHEERS AND APPLAUSE


UNCLE BILL: And now, before we tell you about next week's exciting story-- How about it, audience? Give me the last three words to this little rhyme: "For speedy cooking, you can't beat / Enriched Five-Minute--"


CHILDREN: Cream of Wheat!


UNCLE BILL: You bet! Quick to fix, Enriched Five-Minute Cream of Wheat cooks to full digestibility, even for babies, in just five minutes of boiling. So remember to do this today, for sure: go to your grocer's and ask for Cream of Wheat. Get a big package of Enriched Five-Minute or Regular Cream of Wheat. Either one gives you forty generous servings at a cost of less than a penny a bowl. Remember--


MUSIC: SNEAKS IN DURING ABOVE ... KOMZAK'S "FAIRY TALE" ... THEN ACCOMPANIES SINGERS--


GWEN & SYBIL: (SING)

For all the fam'ly's breakfast,

You can't beat Cream of Wheat! 


MUSIC: OUT


UNCLE BILL: The Pretenders for today were--


GWEN: Gwen Davies.


UNCLE BILL: Jack Jamison--


JACK: Jack Grimes.


UNCLE BILL: His father--


FATHER: Albert Aley.


UNCLE BILL: Betty Ann--


BETTY ANN: Sybil Trent.


UNCLE BILL: Her father, Mr. Landis--


LANDIS: Michael O'Day.


UNCLE BILL: Mr. Crafty, the innkeeper--


CRAFTY: Arthur Anderson.


UNCLE BILL: His daughter Suzanne--


SUZANNE: Anne-Marie Gayer.


UNCLE BILL: Madam Dahlia--


MADAM DAHLIA: Miriam Wolfe.


UNCLE BILL: The joiner--


JOINER: Bob Readick.


UNCLE BILL: Original music was composed and conducted by Maurice Brown. LET'S PRETEND was dramatized by Nila Mack and directed by Albert Ward. Now, if you live in or near New York and you'd like to come down to a broadcast of LET'S PRETEND, drop a postcard to "Cream of Wheat, CBS, New York" for your free tickets.


MUSIC: DRAMATIC ACCENT ... THEN IN BG


UNCLE BILL: Imagine having to marry the first one you met when you followed an arrow, which you had shot into the air!


MUSIC: DRAMATIC ACCENT ... THEN IN BG


UNCLE BILL: Would you like to marry a frog?! 


MUSIC: DRAMATIC ACCENT ... THEN IN BG


UNCLE BILL: Well, that's what our hero Jan [PRONOUNCED YAHN] had to do.


MUSIC: DRAMATIC ACCENT ... THEN IN BG


UNCLE BILL: Listen next week when we tell you how Jan got out of his trouble and finally won a beautiful princess -- in the story of "The Enchanted Frog."


MUSIC: CHANGES TO LET'S PRETEND THEME ... THEN IN BG, UNTIL END


SOUND: CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ... THEN IN BG, UNTIL END


UNCLE BILL: This is Bill Adams saying, "Remember to eat Cream of Wheat, the Great American Family Cereal." This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

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