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Thanksgiving Dinner

Our Miss Brooks

Thanksgiving Dinner 

Nov 27 1949



CAST:

ANNOUNCER

VERNE SMITH, commercial spokesman

SINGER, of commercial jingle

2ND ANNCR (1 line)


MISS CONNIE BROOKS, dry-humored schoolteacher

MRS. DAVIS, her daffy housekeeper

MINERVA, the cat

WALTER DENTON, obsequious cracked-voice student

MR. PHILIP BOYNTON, Miss Brooks' unrequited crush; teacher

HARRIET CONKLIN, sweet sixteen; student

MRS. MARTHA CONKLIN, kindly; Harriet's mother

MR. OSGOOD CONKLIN, Martha's grumpy husband; school principal




ANNOUNCER: Colgate Dental Cream to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay -- and Lustre-Creme Shampoo for soft, glamorous, caressable hair -- bring you "Our Miss Brooks," starring Eve Arden!


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND ANNOUNCER--


ANNOUNCER: It's time once again for another comedy episode of "Our Miss Brooks," written by Al Lewis. Well, last Thursday was Thanksgiving Day and most of us realized that we had quite a bit to be thankful for -- even our Miss Brooks who teaches English at Madison High School.


CONNIE: (NARRATES) Yes, a holiday means a lot to me. First, it gives me an opportunity to relax and count my lack of blessings. And second it offers a chance to catch up on several days' brooding. But this Thanksgiving was different. I knew it was going to be when I joined my landlady at breakfast last Wednesday morning. (TO DAVIS) Good morning, Mrs. Davis. Did you have a nice night? 


DAVIS: Wonderful, Connie. I didn't sleep a wink. ...


CONNIE: That sounds like fun. 


DAVIS: I was planning my menu for tomorrow. It's Thanksgiving, you know, and I wanted something special for Minerva and me.


CONNIE: Minerva?


MINERVA: MEOW! ...


CONNIE: Oh, there you are, you cute little kitten. 


DAVIS: Where is she, Connie? 


CONNIE: Taking my stocking off with her cute little paws. ...


MINERVA: MEOW! MEOW! 


CONNIE: Stop it, Minerva. Now get away from my stocking.


MINERVA: MEOW! MEOW! 


CONNIE: Either get away from those, or knit me a new pair with that ball of yarn you play with. ...


DAVIS: Go out to the kitchen, Minerva. I don't want you to hear about tomorrow's menu. 


MINERVA: (DEFIANT) MEOW!


CONNIE: What are you having, Mrs. Davis? 


DAVIS: Minerva's favorite dish. (LOW) S-Q-U-A-B. 


MINERVA: (HAPPY) MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! ...


DAVIS: It doesn't do a bit of good to spell things out any more. 


CONNIE: I guess she's too old for that. Please go into the kitchen, Minerva. There's some milk out there. 


MINERVA: (A QUERY) MEOW?


CONNIE: Right under the S-I-N-K. 


MINERVA: (HAPPY, MOVING OFF) MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!


SOUND: KITCHEN DOOR SLAMS SHUT AS MINERVA EXITS


CONNIE: (DISBELIEF) Don't tell me she slammed the door behind her. ...


DAVIS: (APPROACHES) No. No, that was me, Connie. I wanted to show you the squab I got for tomorrow. 


CONNIE: Oh, I'd like to see it.


DAVIS: Well, here it is.


CONNIE: Where? (SEES IT) Oh, right there behind that carrot. ... 


DAVIS: It isn't very big, is it? 


CONNIE: I've seen stuffing with larger drumsticks. 


DAVIS: You know, Connie, I was all ready to get a nice ten-pound turkey yesterday when the clerk at the market said something that made me change my mind. 


CONNIE: What did he say?


DAVIS: Eight dollars and thirty cents. ... 


CONNIE: Oh, that is a pretty rude remark. 


DAVIS: I'm afraid I was a little testy when I complained about the price. Anyway, when I demanded something cheaper, this is the bird he gave me.


CONNIE: He certainly did. ... 


DAVIS: Well, it'll be enough for Minerva and myself. I suppose you've already been invited somewhere for turkey and all the fixings.


CONNIE: Where would you suggest?


DAVIS: Hasn't Mr. Boynton asked you out for Thanksgiving dinner, Connie? 


CONNIE: Not yet, Mrs. Davis, but this morning he's going to be exposed to the most thorough opportunity to do so. 


DAVIS: Good.


CONNIE: Of course, Mr. Boynton's been on a very strict budget lately. He probably can't afford any turkey dinners.


DAVIS: Then you bring him back here with you, Connie. 


CONNIE: Well, that's very sweet of you, Mrs. Davis, but that squab--


DAVIS: Oh, we'll make it do. Remember the old saying: there's always room for just one more.


CONNIE: In this case, you must mean one more squab. ... Thanks anyway, Mrs. Davis. After all, we've still got our health, which is more than I can say for that squab. ...


DAVIS: Of course, I'd rather see you eat a nice turkey dinner tomorrow. Maybe you could wrangle yourself an invitation from one of your friends.


CONNIE: Oh, please, Mrs. Davis--


SOUND: DOORBELL RINGS


CONNIE: Well, that must be Walter Denton. He's giving me a lift to school. (CALLS) Be right there, Walter! 


DAVIS: Why don't you find out what his folks are planning for tomorrow? Maybe you could get yourself invited there. 


CONNIE: I'm surprised at you, Mrs. Davis. Why, I've never forced myself on anyone in my life.


DAVIS: Connie, take another look at that squab.


CONNIE: (BEAT) Like I say, Walter's mother may not know it yet, but there's always room for just one more. ...


MUSIC: BRIDGE


SOUND: AUTO BACKGROUND


CONNIE: Oh, it certainly is nice weather for Thanksgiving, isn't it, Walter? 


WALTER: It's more than nice, Miss Brooks. This air is absolutely succulent. It's downright savory and delicious. ...


CONNIE: One more crack like that and I'll be gnawing on the steering wheel. ... Tell me, Walter -- how do you usually spend Thanksgiving? 


WALTER: Well, usually mom cooks a big turkey and we have dinner around four o'clock in the afternoon. I shall never forget last year's meal. First we had a fresh fruit cup, then some delicious vegetable soup, and then this big golden-brown turkey was served with a special dressing made out of chestnuts and raisins and stuff and-- Do you want to hear the rest of it, Miss Brooks? 


CONNIE: Certainly. Just pass me a blotter and keep talking. ... 


WALTER: Well, I don't remember all the dishes, but the hot mince pie was really tops. My mom is just about the best cook in this town.


CONNIE: And like most good cooks she probably prepares more food than she really needs.


WALTER: Oh, sure. Out of last year's turkey the whole family had turkey, turkey giblets, turkey sandwiches, and turkey hash. 


CONNIE: That's because you didn't invite enough guests over for Thanksgiving dinner. You know, Walter, I've often thought that people who are so close to each other all year 'round should somehow manage to spend their holidays together as well.


WALTER: Well, what kind of people are you talking about, Miss Brooks? 


CONNIE: Well, school teachers and students, for example. 


WALTER: Who needs teachers on a holiday? ... I mean, most teachers you get enough of during school hours. Er, present company excepted, of course. Oh, you're a lot different, Miss Brooks. 


CONNIE: I know; I'm hungrier. ... Look, Walter, about spending Thanksgiving together: if you're planning to be with your folks--


WALTER: Oh, but I'm not, Miss Brooks. No, my mother and dad are going out of town for the weekend. It's my dad's first vacation in two years. 


CONNIE: How come you're not leaving town with them? 


WALTER: It's my dad's first vacation in two years. ... Oh, he loves me, but he thinks I'm a little wearing in spots. ... So I'm staying over at Stretch Snodgrass's house until next week.


CONNIE: Oh, I see. Then you'll have Thanksgiving dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Snodgrass?


WALTER: No, ma'am. They're going away with my folks. They're good friends, you know, just like Stretch and me. But, Miss Brooks, I think your idea about spending Thanksgiving together is swell. 


CONNIE: You do? 


WALTER: Sure. Why don't you and Stretch and me have dinner tomorrow? 


CONNIE: Dinner? Well, that might be very nice, Walter-- 


WALTER: Oh, great! Then Stretch and I'll be over to your place at three o'clock sharp! ... 


CONNIE: My place? 


WALTER: Well, yeah. That is, if you still want us. 


CONNIE: I wouldn't be without you. ... But, Walter, Mrs. Davis did the shopping yesterday and there just weren't any good-sized turkeys left that she could afford, so what she bought was a very small--


WALTER: (INTERRUPTS) Oh, what she bought isn't important, Miss Brooks. What counts is spending Thanksgiving with people who mean something to you. Gee, the Pilgrims certainly had it all over us modern characters. When a Pilgrim wanted to celebrate the holiday, he just picked up his musket and shot himself a turkey. 


CONNIE: At the current prices, Walter, the only way I'll have a turkey tomorrow is if I pick up a musket and shoot myself a butcher. ...


MUSIC: BRIDGE


SOUND: KNOCKING AT DOOR


BOYNTON: Come in! 


SOUND: DOOR OPENS ... CONNIE'S STEPS IN


CONNIE: Good morning, Mr. Boynton. I just wanted to talk to you for a minute before your first class. 


BOYNTON: Well, I'm glad you dropped in, Miss Brooks. I've got some rather exciting news this morning.


CONNIE: (TOO EAGER) I'll be glad to! (RECOVERS AWKWARDLY) I mean, er-- ... What - what is it, Mr. Boynton?


BOYNTON: Well, do you remember the raffle ticket I bought last month in Marty's Malt Shop? 


CONNIE: Oh, on that green Adams Hat with the red feather?


BOYNTON: No, no -- on a Tom Turkey. They had the drawing last night and I won. Isn't that wonderful?


CONNIE: That is what I call the coincidence of all time.


BOYNTON: Coincidence?


CONNIE: Why do you think I stopped by your laboratory this morning?


BOYNTON: Well, I don't know. 


CONNIE: To invite you over for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow.


BOYNTON: Well, that is nice of you, Miss Brooks. I'll be happy to come over. About what time will you be expecting me? 


CONNIE: I'll be expecting you and Tom about noon. ...


BOYNTON: Huh? Oh! Oh, you mean the turkey. Well, I'm afraid he won't be with me, Miss Brooks. You see, at this very moment the turkey is on a train headed upstate.


CONNIE: Why? Did he get fed up with our climate? ... 


BOYNTON: No, I sent him up to my folks' place. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford to visit my parents this year, but-- Well, now they'll have something to remind them of me anyhow.


CONNIE: Must be a very tall turkey. ... Er, what did he weigh, Mr. Boynton? 


BOYNTON: Oh, about eighteen pounds. Of course, what I'd do with an eighteen pound turkey I'll never know. 


CONNIE: (DRY) Until tomorrow. ... Well, I'd better be running along now. On second thought, you needn't get to the house until three or three-thirty. On third thought, you can back out of the whole thing if you want to. ...


BOYNTON: Back out? Well, I should say not. I'll be there, all right, and thanks for the invitation.


CONNIE: You're welcome. But, Mr. Boynton, if you're expecting the conventional Thanksgiving Day dinner, you're liable to be a little disappointed. I'm just not having it. 


BOYNTON: Oh? What are you having?


CONNIE: So far, Walter Denton and Stretch Snodgrass. ...


MUSIC: FIRST ACT CURTAIN


SOUND: APPLAUSE


ANNOUNCER: "Our Miss Brooks," starring Eve Arden, will continue in just a moment, but first: here is Verne Smith.


SMITH: Now proof that brushing teeth right after eating with Colgate Dental Cream helps stop tooth decay before it starts. 


ANNOUNCER: Continuous research -- hundreds of case histories -- makes this the most conclusive proof in all dentifrice research on tooth decay. 


SMITH: Eminent dental authorities supervised hundreds of college men and women for over two years. One group always brushed their teeth with Colgate's right after eating; the other followed their usual dental care. 


ANNOUNCER: The group using Colgate Dental Cream as directed -- using Colgate's exclusively -- showed a startling reduction in average number of cavities; far less tooth decay. The other group developed new cavities at a much higher rate. No other dentifrice offers proof of these results.


SMITH: Modern research shows decay is caused by mouth acids, which are at their worst right after eating. Brushing teeth with Colgate's as directed helps remove acids before they harm enamel. Yes, Colgate's contains all the necessary ingredients, including an exclusive patented ingredient for effective daily dental care.


ANNOUNCER: So remember, always use Colgate Dental Cream to clean your breath while you clean your teeth -- and help stop tooth decay.


MUSIC: THEME ... FOR TRANSITION


CONNIE: (NARRATES) Well, Thanksgiving Day arrived right on schedule -- mostly because I couldn't do anything to stop it. After breakfast, I headed straight for the kitchen. There, I took a good look at Mrs. Davis's squab. Then I took an aspirin. ... Then I gave the squab an aspirin. ... Then I decided to make Mrs. Davis a full partner in my panic. (DISTRESSED, TO DAVIS) Oh, this is terrible, Mrs. Davis. We can't possibly serve five people with this amount of food!


DAVIS: Calm down, Connie. We'll make out some way. I've got cans of salmon in the house, and some cheese and crackers, and tidbits of one sort or another.


CONNIE: But one doesn't serve tidbits for Thanksgiving dinner. Oh, I wish that bird looked bigger. Did you stuff him again since we last discussed it? ... 


DAVIS: I've stuffed him five times since then, Connie. In fact, the last time I went to fill him up, I got the feeling that he was trying to kick my hand away. ... 


CONNIE: Oh, it's no use, Mrs. Davis. It just won't work. 


DAVIS: I still think you should follow the advice I gave you yesterday, Connie, and get yourself invited out for a real turkey dinner. 


CONNIE: But I've already asked Mr. Boynton to join me.


DAVIS: Then get him invited along with you.


CONNIE: Well, what about Stretch Snodgrass and Walter Denton? 


DAVIS: Take them along, too. 


CONNIE: Why not? And while we're at it, why don't you and Minerva join our happy little group? ... 


DAVIS: We'd love to, Connie. Where are we going? ... 


CONNIE: I don't know where you're going, but I'm gonna take another aspirin. 


DAVIS: I'm sure the Conklins would like to have you over. I ran into Martha yesterday and she told me that she was all ready to carve a huge turkey.


CONNIE: Oh, is she fighting with Mr. Conklin again? ...


DAVIS: Now don't be silly, Connie. Martha even remarked yesterday that she was hoping Mr. Conklin would ask some of the teachers in to share their dinner. 


CONNIE: I can just picture that. If Mr. Conklin saw any teachers at his dinner table, he wouldn't know what to bite first. ... 


DAVIS: That doesn't apply to Mr. Boynton, though. Osgood is quite fond of him. And he's also extremely taken with Stretch Snodgrass. Thinks he's the best athlete Madison's ever had. 


CONNIE: Well, what about his attitude toward me? 


DAVIS: (BEAT) Call anyway. ... Remember, Connie: pride goeth before a fall. You've got to make a hit with Mr. Boynton. Here, I'll dial the number for you.


SOUND: RECEIVER UP ... PHONE DIALED BEHIND--


CONNIE: Oh, but, Mrs. Davis, Mr. Conklin can't stand the sight of Walter Denton. 


SOUND: PHONE RINGS (CALLER'S PERSPECTIVE) BEHIND--


DAVIS: Nonsense, dear. His daughter Harriet is crazy about the boy.


SOUND: PHONE ANSWERED (CALLER'S PERSPECTIVE) ... HARRIET AND MARTHA'S VOICES ON FILTER


HARRIET: Hello? 


DAVIS: (INTO PHONE) One moment, please. Miss Brooks is calling. (TO CONNIE) Here, Connie.


CONNIE: (RELUCTANT) Oh-- (INTO PHONE) Hello? 


HARRIET: Oh, hello, Miss Brooks. This is Harriet. Gee, I'm glad you called. You're having Walter Denton over for dinner, aren't you? 


CONNIE: That's the original plan, Harriet, but I-- 


HARRIET: (INTERRUPTS) I wish we could all have dinner together, Miss Brooks. I was just talking to mother about it this minute. 


CONNIE: You were? Well, now that's funny. I wanted to talk to mother about the same thing. 


HARRIET: Wonderful, Miss Brooks! Wait a minute, I'll put her on. 


CONNIE: Thanks, Harriet. (TO DAVIS) Harriet and her mother were just talking about getting together for dinner, Mrs. Davis. 


MARTHA: Hello, Miss Brooks. 


CONNIE: Hello, Mrs. Conklin. 


MARTHA: Forgive me if I talk rather quietly, but Mr. Conklin's taking a nap in the living room. He needs the rest, you know. He's been rather irritable lately. 


CONNIE: I know -- for the last five years. ... I mean, we've known each other for five years now and-- Well, the reason I called-- 


MARTHA: Harriet told me, Miss Brooks. I just know you feel exactly as we do: that people should share their Thanksgiving joy with their friends.


CONNIE: That's right, Mrs. Conklin. You understand, though, that it isn't just me. I've already invited Walter, Stretch, and Mr. Boynton. 


MARTHA: The more the merrier, I always say. 


CONNIE: Well, I'm glad you always say that, Mrs. Conklin, because my little party lacks just one thing, which you and only you can provide.


MARTHA: What a beautiful way to put it! I can only say, Miss Brooks, that we'll be proud and happy to share Thanksgiving dinner with you and your friends.


CONNIE: Well, thank you, Mrs. Conklin. 


MARTHA: Thank you, my dear! Harriet and Mr. Conklin and I will be at your place at two o'clock sharp! ...


MUSIC: BRIDGE


HARRIET: It's almost one, mother. Don't you think we should wake daddy? 


MARTHA: In a minute, Harriet. Did you take our turkey down to the mission like I told you? 


HARRIET: Yes, mother, I just got back. They certainly were grateful. The man said it would feed almost a dozen people who ordinarily would go without any Thanksgiving meal at all.


MARTHA: Fine, dear. I know your father will be happy at the thought of sharing with our lesser-privileged citizens. Now go on in and wake him up, Harriet. 


HARRIET: Yes, mother. 


SOUND: HARRIET'S STEPS TO CONKLIN


CONKLIN: (SNORES)


HARRIET: Daddy?


CONKLIN: (IN HIS SLEEP) Pass some more white meat, please. ... 


HARRIET: It's time to get up, daddy.


CONKLIN: (WAKES) What--? What's the matter? Oh. Oh, it's you, child. What time is it? 


HARRIET: One o'clock. How do you feel after your nap? 


CONKLIN: Fine, Harriet, just fine -- except for one thing.


HARRIET: What's that? 


CONKLIN: I could eat my weight in wildcats! (CALLS) Martha! Oh, Martha!


MARTHA: (APPROACHES) Yes, dear? What is it?


CONKLIN: Let's not wait till two o'clock for dinner. I'd like to eat right now. 


MARTHA: Oh, but, Osgood-- 


CONKLIN: I saw that turkey in the oven when it was finished this morning, Martha, and I just can't get it out of my mind. (INHALES DEEPLY) Oh, it sure smells good, too. ...


MARTHA: You must have a pretty long smeller, dear. We gave our turkey to the folks who run the mission. We're going out for dinner.


CONKLIN: Oh, but I don't want to go out. I want to eat in my robe and slippers and-- (DOUBLE TAKE, WILD OUTRAGE) You gave our turkey to whom?! ... 


MARTHA: To the mission, dear. It's like a municipal shelter -- you know. 


HARRIET: The man said our turkey would feed almost a dozen underprivileged citizens.


CONKLIN: (SAVAGE CONTEMPT) Oh, he did? ... Well, teachers are underprivileged citizens, too, but I don't give them my Thanksgiving dinner!


MARTHA: Now calm down, Osgood. This is no day for your high blood pressure to get out of hand. We're going over to Margaret Davis' place to have dinner with Miss Brooks and some of her friends. 


CONKLIN: (WITH DISGUST) Miss Brooks. Who needs teachers on a holiday? ... 


HARRIET: Daddy, Mrs. Davis is a very exotic cook. I'm sure she'll have some wonderful dishes prepared for you. 


CONKLIN: But I don't want Mrs. Davis's dishes. I want turkey -- T-U-R-K-Y -- turkey! ...


MARTHA: Of course, dear. Now, everyone buys too much for Thanksgiving dinner, otherwise we'd have brought our turkey over to Miss Brooks'. But, as it is, think of the joy you're sharing with the people at the mission, Osgood. 


CONKLIN: (SOUR) Joy, my foot. ... The food at Miss Brooks' place had better be good today. Good? It had better be great! ...


MUSIC: BRIDGE


CONNIE: Every time I tried to call Mrs. Conklin back, the party line was in use. Now they don't answer. They're probably on their way over here this minute -- to eat dinner or not to eat dinner. 


DAVIS: Please, Connie, you're beginning to sound like Hamlet. ... Don't worry so about the Conklins. They'll probably bring their turkey over with them and we'll have plenty.


CONNIE: Do you really think so, Mrs. Davis?


SOUND: DOORBELL RINGS


DAVIS: We'll soon know, Connie. Will you answer the door, please? (MOVING OFF) I'm trying to find some more cans of salmon, just in case.


CONNIE: All right, Mrs. Davis. 


SOUND: CONNIE'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS


HARRIET: (CHEERFUL) Happy Thanksgiving, Miss Brooks!


MARTHA: (THE SAME) A very happy Thanksgiving, Miss Brooks! 


CONKLIN: (BEAT, LOW, MISERABLE) Hello. ... 


CONNIE: The same to you. But - is this all the party? 


HARRIET: What do you mean, Miss Brooks? 


CONNIE: I mean, just you three? Nothing waiting out in the car or anything?


MARTHA: Well, we were going to bring our turkey along, but we know what a well-stocked larder you both must have, so we donated it to the mission. 


CONNIE: The mission?! 


CONKLIN: (PIOUS) One of my favorite charities. ... There's no joy like sharing. (A LITTLE DESPERATE) May we come in now and start sharing yours? ...


CONNIE: Of course, Mr. Conklin. 


SOUND: THE CONKLINS' STEPS IN ... DOOR CLOSES


CONNIE: If you'll just sit here in the living room, I'll go back to the kitchen and tell Mrs. Davis you're here. 


MARTHA: Oh, Harriet and I will go back and help out, Miss Brooks. You've done enough for one day. Why, I'll bet you worked like a beaver this morning!


CONNIE: (DRY) Gnawed through six fingernails. ... (NOT DRY) Oh, I didn't do too much, no. 


HARRIET: Come on, mother. I'll fix the salad dressing that new way you showed me.


MARTHA: All right, dear. And I'll tell Mrs. Davis about the new things we've been doing with parsley. 


CONKLIN: Never mind the side dishes. Let's just get that turkey to the table pronto, huh? 


MARTHA: (MOVING OFF) You chat with Miss Brooks, dear. We'll just be a little while. 


CONKLIN: Well, make it snappy. (TO CONNIE) I could eat my weight in wildcats, Miss Brooks.


CONNIE: If they come in cans, you may get the chance. ... I mean, we'll be sitting down as soon as the others arrive, Mr. Conklin. 


CONKLIN: Oh, yes, I forgot; you were having some of your friends in. I hope that lamebrain dunce Walter Denton isn't expected.


CONNIE: (CHANGES THE SUBJECT) Want some popcorn, Mr. Conklin? ... Or potato chips? 


CONKLIN: No. No, thanks. Who's coming to this dinner, Miss Brooks? 


CONNIE: Well, Mr. Boynton for one. 


CONKLIN: Oh, a nice chap Boynton. Far less irritating than many of his contemporaries. I-- (GROANS)


CONNIE: What's the trouble, Mr. Conklin? 


CONKLIN: I'm - I'm not a well man. ... I've had some very strange symptoms lately.


CONNIE: What kind of symptoms? 


CONKLIN: Well, every so often I get sudden blinding flashes of appetite. ... 


CONNIE: Oh, well, that's - that's because you're under such a strain, Mr. Conklin. You see, under great emotional tension many people experience sudden and uncontrollable appetite. It's psychosomatic to some extent. 


CONKLIN: Really? ... Now perhaps you'd like me to stretch out on the couch and tell me how, at the age of three, I was convinced that my younger brother was a cocker spaniel? ... 


CONNIE: Yours, too? ... I was only trying to stall-- Er, help, Mr. Conklin. ... I had an aunt who suffered just like you do. I remember one time my uncle caught his nose in the piano bench. ... Auntie ran right down to the corner and bought herself a pickle. ...


CONKLIN: A pickle? 


CONNIE: It satisfied her nervous craving. When she stayed with us, we always had to keep a big supply of food on hand: big juicy steaks, chops, chicken, ducks, cold cuts, potato salad-- 


CONKLIN: Please! Please, Miss Brooks! (LIKE A CHILD) I want my dinner! ...


CONNIE: But, Mr. Conklin, the others aren't--


SOUND: DOORBELL RINGS 


CONNIE: (CALLS) It's open! Come on in! 


SOUND: DOOR OPENS ... BOYNTON'S STEPS IN


BOYNTON: Oh, hello, Miss Brooks-- Oh, Mr. Conklin? Say, this is a surprise. 


CONKLIN: (UP BIG) Hello, Boynton! (LOW, EAGER, TO CONNIE) Can we sit down now, Miss Brooks? ...


CONNIE: Not quite yet. Pull up a chair, Mr. Boynton. 


BOYNTON: Thanks. 


SOUND: BOYNTON SITS


BOYNTON: Well, how does the turkey look? Did you get a nice-sized bird?


CONNIE: Well, to be honest, Mr. Boynton, our turkey may not be such a big bird, but I'm sure the party is going to be a very big turkey. ... Oh, I almost forgot. There are some salted peanuts in this dish, Mr. Conklin. 


CONKLIN: One would almost think you were trying to destroy my appetite, but nothing can do that, Miss Brooks, absolutely nothing. 


SOUND: WALTER'S STEPS IN


WALTER: (VERY CHEERFUL) The door was open so I just breezed on in! Hi, Miss Brooks! 


CONNIE: Here comes nothing now. ... 


WALTER: Huh? Oh, hi, Mr. Boynton, and-- (SURPRISED) Mr. Conklin? 


CONKLIN: (LOW, MISERABLE) Hello, Denton. ...


WALTER: Miss Brooks, I've got some bad news for you.


CONNIE: You'll have to get in line, Walter. ... What is it? 


WALTER: Well, Stretch's aunt and uncle insisted that he have dinner with them today, so he can't possibly be here in time to eat with us. Isn't that awful? 


CONNIE: I'm absolutely devastated. ...


WALTER: Me, too. Gosh, Miss Brooks, what'll we do with all the extra food that's left over? 


CONNIE: We'll eat it. ... 


DAVIS: (OFF) Come on in, folks!


CONKLIN: (ROARING, LOUD) At last! Come on! ...


BOYNTON: May I escort you to the dining room, Miss Brooks? 


CONNIE: It won't be necessary, Mr. Boynton. I'll just follow Leo the Lion. ...


MUSIC: BRIDGE


DAVIS: I've cut the squab into small pieces and sprayed it with Sweet-Aire, Connie. ... Nobody will know it isn't turkey. Now then, keep the lid on this big tray except when you're serving and they won't know how little we've got. 


CONNIE: All right, Mrs. Davis. I might as well trot it in. 


SOUND: CONNIE'S STEPS THROUGH KITCHEN DOOR TO DINNER TABLE ... DINNER TABLE BACKGROUND (UTENSILS, ET CETERA)


CONNIE: Well, here we are. What'll you have, Mrs. Conklin? 


MARTHA: Oh, serve Mr. Conklin first, will you, dear? He's quite hungry. 


CONNIE: Certainly. Mr. Conklin, what'll it be? 


CONKLIN: I'll have a drumstick.


CONNIE: (DOUBTFUL) A drumstick? ... Yes, sir. Here you are. 


CONKLIN: (LONG PAUSE) ... Where I are? ... 


CONNIE: The drumstick. This is it. (CHUCKLES) You know what they say: "the nearer the bone, the sweeter the meat." ...


CONKLIN: If this has any meat on it, it must be inside the bone. ...


CONNIE: (IMPROVISING) Well, this is a - a brand new breed of turkey, Mr. Conklin. They've been experimenting for years with this type, on the theory that "the shorter the legs, the larger the breasts."


CONKLIN: Oh. Then give me some of that. ...


CONNIE: Yes, sir. Here it is.


CONKLIN: This is it? 


CONNIE: This, it is. You see, when they were experimenting with the short legs, the breasts didn't quite get the idea of what they were trying to do. ...


CONKLIN: Well, er-- Where are the wings? 


CONNIE: This bird didn't get his wings. He flunked out in basic training. ... 


MUSIC: BRIDGE


SOUND: AUTO BACKGROUND


CONKLIN: (SOUR) I thought we'd never get out of that place. Fine dinner that was. 


MARTHA: Take it easy, Osgood. We'll stop off on our way home and get a bite somewhere. 


HARRIET: I thought the salmon was quite tasty. But, mother, why do you suppose Miss Brooks took Mr. Boynton aside and then excused herself in the middle of the meal and left? 


MARTHA: Why, it was obvious, dear. Miss Brooks wanted us to have enough to eat. 


CONKLIN: And to think we gave a beautiful sixteen-pound turkey to the mission! 


MARTHA: Everything happens for the best, dear. See? That's the mission right ahead of us. What a big line of people waiting to be fed. ... Doesn't it do your heart good to know that we contributed--?


HARRIET: Mother, look! That man with the two plates full of turkey! 


CONKLIN: Yeah, full of my turkey! (DOUBLE TAKE, SURPRISED) Why, it's Mr. Boynton! ...


MARTHA: So it is. And who's that right behind him with the blue cap and hitting the big bass drum?


MUSIC: POUNDING OF BASS DRUM ... THEN IN BG


CONNIE: (SINGS HEARTILY) Hallelujah! Hallelujah! (ET CETERA)


MUSIC: PICKS UP THE HYMN FOR A CURTAIN


ANNOUNCER: Eve Arden as "Our Miss Brooks" returns in just a moment, but first--


MUSIC: FOR JINGLE ... ACCOMPANIES SINGER--


SINGER: (TO TUNE OF VICTOR HERBERT'S "TOYLAND")

Dream girl, dream girl,

Beautiful Lustre-Creme girl.


ANNOUNCER: Tonight -- yes, tonight! -- show him how much lovelier your hair can look after a Lustre-Creme shampoo. Lustre-Creme, world's finest shampoo. No other shampoo in the world gives Kay Daumit's magic blend of secret ingredients, plus gentle lanolin. Not a soap, not a liquid, Lustre-Creme Shampoo leaves hair three ways lovelier: fragrantly clean, free of loose dandruff; glistening with sheen; soft, manageable. Even in hardest water, Lustre-Creme lathers instantly. No special rinse needed after a Lustre-Creme shampoo. So gentle, Lustre-Creme is wonderful even for children's hair. Tonight -- yes, tonight! -- try Lustre-Creme Shampoo.


MUSIC: FOR JINGLE ... ACCOMPANIES SINGER--


SINGER: (TO TUNE OF VICTOR HERBERT'S "TOYLAND")

Dream girl, dream girl,

Beautiful Lustre-Creme girl.

You owe your crowning glory to--

A Lustre-Creme shampoo.


MUSIC: OUT


ANNOUNCER: And now once again, here is our Miss Brooks.


CONNIE: (NARRATES) Well, after Mr. Boynton and I had helped to feed over fifty underprivileged citizens -- including Mr. Boynton and me -- we found out that we had enough money between us to take in a movie. But on our way to the Strand, Mr. Boynton suddenly stopped. 


BOYNTON: Miss Brooks, helping out at the mission made me realize how lonely the most festive occasion can be if you're not sharing it with someone.


CONNIE: You're so right, Mr. Boynton. I guess you and I are pretty fortunate.


BOYNTON: Oh, we certainly are. But I just remembered that there's another member of Madison's faculty who's all alone tonight and needs cheering up pretty badly. Let's do something about it, shall we, Miss Brooks?


CONNIE: Oh, that's a wonderful idea, Mr. Boynton. I'm all for it. I suppose you're referring to our French colleague Monsieur La Blanche?


BOYNTON: Oh, no, Miss Brooks. I was thinking of Miss Enright. Let's go pick her up right now, hm? 


CONNIE: Who needs teachers on a holiday? ...


MUSIC: THEME ... THEN OUT BEHIND ANNOUNCER--


SOUND: APPLAUSE ... THEN OUT BEHIND--


ANNOUNCER: Next week tune into another "Our Miss Brooks" show, brought to you by Luster-Creme Shampoo, for glamorous caressable hair, and Colgate Dental Cream, to clean your breath while you clean your teeth and help stop tooth decay. "Our Miss Brooks," starring Eve Arden, is produced by Larry Berns, directed by Al Lewis, with music by Wilbur Hatch. Mr. Boynton is played by Jeff Chandler; Mr. Conklin by Gale Gordon.


MUSIC: TAG


2ND ANNCR: Here's good shaving news. Three men out of every four can get more comfortable, actually smoother shaves with Palmolive Brushless Shaving Cream. This is not just a claim. Here's the proof: twelve hundred ninety-seven men tried the Palmolive Brushless way to shave described on the tube, and no matter how they shaved before, three men out of every four got more comfortable, actually smoother shaves. Try Palmolive Brushless yourself. See if you don't get more comfortable, actually smoother shaves the proved Palmolive Brushless way. 


MUSIC: THEME IN ... THEN IN BG, UNTIL END


ANNOUNCER: For mystery liberally sprinkled with laughs, listen to "Mr. and Mrs. North." Tune in Tuesday evening over most of these same stations. And be with us again next week at this same time for another comedy episode of "Our Miss Brooks." Bob LeMond speaking. 


SOUND: APPLAUSE ... IN BG, UNTIL END


ANNOUNCER: This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

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