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St. Patrick's Day Show

My Friend Irma

St. Patrick's Day Show

Mar 17 1953



CAST:

1ST ANNCR

2ND ANNCR


JANE, the smart one

IRMA, the dumb one

MRS. O'REILLY, Irish landlady

CASSIDY, an Irish gentleman

MAESTRO WANDERKIN, Russian tenant

AL, Irma's no-account boyfriend

ELOISE, Irma's plus-sized friend

CLYDE, Irma's long-suffering boss

KELLY, Irish pool hall owner

MAN, Irish




1ST ANNCR: CAVALIER Cigarettes..... 


2ND ANNCR: CAVALIER Cigarettes.....  


1ST ANNCR: America's great, new King-size Cigarettes... 


2ND ANNCR: Bring you -- MY FRIEND IRMA... 


1ST ANNCR: Created by Cy Howard, transcribed from Hollywood, and starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Cathy Lewis as Jane. (APPLAUSE


MUSIC: JANE THEME 


JANE: You know recently I looked at the list of Nobel Prize winners and you know something, Irma didn't get anything for anything. And you know something, she's a little startled, because if you ask her, she knows everything there is to know...Want a sample? Irma? 


IRMA: YES JANE? 


JANE: Tell the folks about Uranium. 


IRMA: IT LIKES A LOT OF WATER AND GROWS BEST IN FULL SUN.


(COMMERCIAL) 


1ST ANNCR: Great, new improvements are being made in our living these days...and a great, new addition has been made to our smoking pleasure! If you've tried them, you know I mean king-size Cavalier cigarettes...not just another long cigarette...but the king-size cigarette made by the makers of Camels! 


2ND ANNCR: Cavaliers are so mild that...among thousands of smokers interviewed...8 out of 10 said Cavaliers are milder! 


1ST ANNCR: Try king-size Cavaliers! They're priced no higher than other standard brands. 


MUSIC:      


MRS. O: (WAY OFF SINGING) When Irish Eyes Are Smilin' etc.


JANE: (WITH SINGING IN B.G.) Irma do you hear that? 


IRMA: WHAT?


JANE: Listen. 


IRMA: OH. TWO CATS ARE FIGHTING?


JANE: No, that's Mrs. O'Reilly singing. 


IRMA: IT IS? 


JANE: Of course. She's getting ready for the St. Patrick's Day celebration today. 


IRMA: SHE IS? OH, THEN THIS WILL BE MY CHANCE TO WATCH THE ST. PATRICK'S DAY PARADE. 


JANE: Sure. 


IRMA: LAST YEAR THE PARADE WAS AWFULLY SHORT. ONLY ONE POLICEMAN. 


JANE: Only one policeman? 


IRMA: YEAH, THERE WAS HARDLY ANYONE ON EIGHTH AVENUE. 


JANE: Eighth Avenue? Irma the parade was on Fifth Avenue. 


IRMA: IT WAS? NO WONDER THAT COP STARED AT ME SO STRANGELY EVERYTIME I APPLAUDED HIM. 


JANE: Come on Irma, let's go downstairs and pay Mrs. O'Reilly the compliments of the day.


IRMA: OKAY.


SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.. DOOR OPEN... FOOTSTEPS DOWNSTAIRS. 


IRMA: GEE I DIDN'T BUY HER A PRESENT.


JANE: Irma it's not that kind of a holiday. 


SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR 


MRS. O: (OFF) Come in.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


JANE: Happy St. Patrick's Day Mrs. O'Reilly.


IRMA: ME TOO.


MRS. O: (SAD) Oh, bless you girls. 


JANE: What's the matter Mrs. O'Reilly, you seem depressed.


MRS. O: I've been sabotaged!


IRMA: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?


MRS. O: Well you know my girls club, "The Ancient Sisters of Hibernia", I mean, "The sisters of Ancient Hibernia". 


IRMA: YES? 


MRS. O: Well every St. Patrick's Day we girls have a parade around the block, and this year it was to be my turn to lead the Parade. You see, it's usually the youngest and most attractive that's picked for the job. 


JANE: Yes, of course. 


MRS. O: Well that darn Mrs. Hogan from the next building says she should lead the parade. 


IRMA: OH ISN'T SHE THE ONE THAT HATES YOU? 


MRS. O: Yes. You know what she told the girls? That my legs aren't pretty enough to lead the parade. Look who's talking. Why she's so darn bow-legged she could stand still and our whole club could march right thru her. And she never gives her right age. 


JANE: Now don't let it upset you, Mrs. O'Reilly. 


MRS. O: You don't know what this means to me. I've been practicing for this parade all week. Marching up and down my apartment. Making left turns, right turns... Twice I forgot to watch and walked under the shower with all my clothes on.


IRMA: MAYBE WE CAN TALK MRS. HOGAN OUT OF LEADING THE PARADE. 


MRS. O: How?


IRMA: I'LL TELL HER AFTER YOU ALL MARCH AROUND THE BLOCK YOU ALL MARCH INTO MORIARITY'S BAR AND THE FIRST ONE IN BUYS THE BEER. 


MRS. O: It wouldn't do any good. She'd march right in and out the back door. No I can see my dreams aren't coming true. 


SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR 


MRS. O: Come in. 


SOUND: DOOR OPEN 


CASS: Mrs. O'Reilly?


MRS. O: Yes? 


CASS: I'm Cassidy from the Men's auxillery.


MRS. O: Oh, yes.


CASS: The question who will lead the ladies for the St. Patrick's Day parade has split your club in half. Some went you and some want Mrs. Hogan.


MRS. O: Glory be.


CASS: So your club has asked Mr. Patrick Kelly of Kelly's Pool Room to arbitrate the matter.


MRS. O: I see.


CASS: Now Mr. Kelly wants you to get the signitures of all your Irish friends in the neighborhood. Mrs. Hogan will do like wise..and whoever gets the most votes will lead the parade. Goodbye. 


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES 


MRS. O: Oh, glory be, girls..did you hear that?


JANE: Well I think it sounds very encouraging.


MRS. O: But that Mrs. Hogan knows so many people.


JANE: She does? 


MRS. O: She makes up a big kettle of soup every week for the mission and everyone who drinks it has to come to her house to get the anti-dote. And she's such a flirt.


IRMA: SHE IS? 


MRS. O: Yes, everytime she passes that cop on the beat she gives his horse some sugar. Between me and her that poor animal is going to drop dead of diabetes. 


IRMA: MRS. O'REILLY ARE YOU A QUITTER? 


MRS. O: What do you mean? 


IRMA: THIS IS A CHALLENGE AND I THINK YOU SHOULD ACCEPT IT THE SAME WAY AS DAMON AND DELILAH.


JANE: Damon and Delilah? 


IRMA: YES. DIDN'T YOU SEE THE PICTURE? 


JANE: No, but don't worry I'll catch it in third dimension. Mrs. O'Reilly if this means so much to you I think Irma and I would like to help. We could take petitions around the neighborhood. 


MRS. O: Oh, would you? 


IRMA: OF COURSE...I KNOW A LOT OF IRISH PEOPLE. 


JANE: You do?  


IRMA: YES...THERE'S MR. SHULTZ.


JANE: Irma....Irish.


IRMA: OH...WELL, THERE'S MR. LANZETTA.


JANE: Irma. 


IRMA: JANE WE ATE AT HIS RESTAURANT LAST NIGHT.


JANE: So what? 


IRMA: WHAT DID YOU HAVE? 


JANE: Irish stew. 


IRMA: THAT'S ONE VOTE...AND THERE'S MR. SVENSON. 


JANE: Svenson?? 


IRMA: YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITH THE DOG? 


JANE: Now really Irma... 


IRMA: AND WHAT KIND OF A DOG IS IT? 


JANE: (CRUSHED) Irish Setter.


IRMA: THAT'S TWO VOTES FOR MRS. O'REILLY. 


MRS. O: No Irma dearie..they have to be people. Real Irish people. 


SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR 


MRS. O: Come in. 


SOUND: DOOR OPEN 


WAND: If you don't mind, it's me the Maestro...Hello girls..Hello Mrs. O'Reilly. 


IRMA: OH MAESTRO, ARE YOU IRISH? 


WAND: I don't see how that could be..But after that mattress I slept on last night I think a piece of the Blarney stone is stuck in my back.


MRS. O: Oh he's so cute. [He's just like his cousin the Professor. By the way, have you heard from him?


WAND: Yes, he wants I should write and tell him how I like my room.


MRS. O: Yes.


WAND: I couldn't put that in a letter.] Irma darling, why did you want to know if I was Irish? 


IRMA: WELL MRS. O'REILLY NEEDS VOTES. SHE'S GOING TO LEAD THE LADIES IN THE ST. PATRICKS DAY PARADE. 


MRS. O: Yes, I'm going to march down the avenue singing "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling". 


WAND: Well, if there are any snakes still left, this should chase them out too. 


MRS. O: Oh I know you're kidding, Maestro. Did you play the recording of my voice I sent you for your phonograph? 


WAND: Yes. 


MRS. O: Well? 


WAND: It bent the needle.


MRS. O: Oh, now you know that can't be. That needle is Sapphire.


WAND: That's right, Sapphire, and it sounded like Amos and Andy were both choking her!


MRS. O: That's not very gallant Maestro...your cousin Professor Kropotkin was crazy about me. Isn't that right, Jane? 


JANE: Huh? 


MRS. O: Irma darlin', tell the maestro, wasn't the Professor crazy about me? 


IRMA: OH, YES. I THINK HE PLANNED TO BECOME A MOTORMAN, SAVE HIS MONEY, RETIRE AND THEN PROPOSE. 


WAND: Why do you think that? 


IRMA: WELL THE PROFESSOR ALWAYS SAID THE ONLY WAY HE COULD MARRY MRS. O'REILLY WAS IF HE WAS OFF HIS TROLLEY! 


JANE: Irma! 


WAND: Well I must get back to my room. My cousin said that there is a window in my room and I want to find it before it gets dark. Good-bye girls.


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES


MRS. O: He's cute. In no time at all he'll be putty in my hands.


JANE: Well Irma, let's not waste any time. You take this blank paper, and I'll take this one and let's go out and get signatures for Mrs. O'Reilly. How about you, Mrs. O'Reilly? 


MRS. O: Well I can't do it right now. The parade starts at three o'clock and I have to make myself a green cape to wear. I wonder where I can get the material? 


SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR


IRMA: IF HE'S IRISH HE'S MINE. COME IN. 


SOUND: DOOR OPEN 


AL: H'ya chicken. 


JANE: He's not Irish but you can have him. 


AL: What's all the Irish chatter? 


IRMA: OH, AL THIS IS SUCH AN EXCITING DAY. JANE AND I ARE GOING TO GET SIGNATURES SO MRS. O'REILLY CAN LEAD THE ST. PATRICKS DAY LADIES PARADE.


AL: Say that's swell. Is there anything else I can do to help?


MRS. O: You wouldn't know where I can pick up some green cloth would you? 


AL: Green cloth? Let me think. Mrs. O'Reilly, if you want green cloth I'll get it for you. By the way how would you like to buy a good luck Shamrock? 


MRS. O: Sure and I'd love it. 


AL: Here you are. Been doing a great business today. 


MRS. O: Wait a minute. This doesn't look like a Shamrock. 


JANE: Al! What is that thing? 


AL: It's my own patent. I take a daisy, pull off all the petals except four, and dunk it in chlorophyll.


IRMA: IT MAY NOT BE LUCKY, BUT IT WILL MAKE YOU KISSABLE. 


SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR 


MRS. O: I'll get it. 


SOUND: DOOR OPEN 


ELOISE: Pardon me, is Irma or Jane....Oh, there you are Irma. 


IRMA: ELOISE! YOU KNOW AL.


ELOISE: Yes. Hello Al. 


IRMA: AND YOU KNOW MRS. O'REILLY? 


ELOISE: No. Pleased to meet you. Are you Irish? 


MRS. O: Why, of course.


ELOISE: Well would you please sign your name here so the St. Patrick's parade can be led by my landlady Mrs. Hogan? 


MRS. O: What? 


JANE: Eloise, this happens to be the Mrs. O'Reilly that Mrs. Hogan is competing with. 


IRMA: YES ELOISE, YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, HOW COULD YOU THIS?


ELOISE: Well I didn't know, and besides Mrs. Hogan has been a wonderful landlady to me. 


IRMA: SHE HAS? 


ELOISE: Yes. You know how much I weigh...and when I sit on one end of the sofa she sits on the other end with my boyfriend so he won't go up in the air. 


JANE: Well you don't need her, get him a pilot's license. 


ELOISE: Well it's not only that....she gave me a lovely over-size bed. 


IRMA: WELL THAT WAS NICE... THE WAY YOUR FEET USED TO HANG OUT THE WINDOW WAS TERRIBLE. 


ELOISE: Gee Mrs. O'Reilly, now that I've met you and seen how nice you are. 


MRS. O: And besides I'm younger than Mrs. Hogan. 


ELOISE: Then you weren't born during Napoleon's retreat like she's telling everybody?


MRS. O: Oh, where's me shellalah! 


JANE: Now take it easy. Eloise, what's your decision?


ELOISE: Well I can't be mean to Mrs. Hogan and I don't want to hurt you Mrs. O'Reilly, so I just won't get signatures for anybody. 


IRMA: I APPRECIATE THIS ELOISE. YOU SEE MRS. O'REILLY HAS HAD HER HEART SET ON THIS FOR SO LONG. BY THE WAY, HOW DOES IT LOOK LIKE IT'S GOING? 


ELOISE: Well Mr. Kelly from the poolroom says it looks like Mrs. Hogan might win.


JANE: Then there's no time to lose. Irma, you take this side of the street..I'll take the other.


AL: And I'll get the green cloth for you Mrs. O'Reilly. 


MRS. O: Oh, bless you one and all...you're wonderful!


IRMA: AND DON'T WORRY, MRS. O'REILLY, I'LL GET THE SIGNATURES OF EVERY IRISH MAN AND WOMAN WHO WAS BORN UNDER THE SOD OF ERIN GO BROKE!


ORCH: BRIDGE 


(MIDDLE COMMERCIAL)


1ST ANNCR: Friends, do you know of any other cigarette that has made such an amazing mildness record as Cavalier? When thousands of smokers compared king-size Cavalier cigarettes with the brands they had been smoking, 8 out of 10 interviewed said Cavaliers are milder!


2ND ANNCR: Just think of it! These thousands of smokers in all walks of life compared king-size Cavaliers with all the other leading brands..perhaps the brand you now smoke...and 8 out of 10 agreed that Cavaliers are milder. 


1ST ANNCR: Scores of different groups from coast to coast made the test. For instance, Navy personnel interviewed at Norfolk, Virginia, 88% of them said Cavaliers are milder. 91% of the steel mill workers interviewed in Gary, Indiana, said Cavaliers are milder. 


2ND ANNCR: Cavaliers' fine, light, mild tobaccos are specially blended to bring out great flavor along with wonderful mildness. Try Cavaliers! See if you don't find they give you more all-round smoking pleasure! King-size Cavaliers are priced no higher than other standard brands. Get a carton today!


MUSIC:      


JANE: Well, Irma and I have been out getting signatures for Mrs. O'Reilly so she can lead her ladies club in the neighborhood St. Patricks Day Parade...Now let's see, I have seventeen votes...Mrs. O'Reilly was personally supposed to get thirty-two signatures, but she only got twenty.... she lost twelve when she promised to kiss everyone who would vote for her [...] and Irma....Cookie how did you do?


IRMA: I GOT FIFTEEN VOTES, TWO PROPOSALS AND A WONDERFUL RECIPE FOR MULLIGAN STEW.


JANE: Lots of luck. Now let's see, it's one o'clock. Mrs. O'Reilly when is the dead-line? 


MRS. O: The parade starts at three and the votes are counted at two. 


JANE: By the way Mrs. O'Reilly, how many Irish folk would you say there are in the neighborhood?


MRS. O: Now let's see...The Hallorans have twelve children. 


JANE: Twelve?


MRS. O: [Yes, he wanted a large family but unfortunately he travels a great deal.] Then there's the O'Toole Family.... 


IRMA: HOW MANY CHILDREN DO THEY HAVE? 


MRS. O: Well I don't know exactly, but by the time the youngest child gets the Sunday comics it's Monday.


JANE: Well roughly how many Irish people would you say there were in our neighborhood? 


MRS. O: Roughly four hundred. And if they came any rougher I think I'd move. 


JANE: Well it looks like we have about a hundred and seventy five signatures and that's not enough. Come on Irma. 


IRMA: ALL RIGHT JANE.


SOUND: PHONE RINGS 


IRMA: OH, MAYBE THAT'S MRS. HOGAN GIVING UP. 


SOUND: REC UP 


IRMA: HELLO...WHO? YES, THIS IS MISS PETERSON. OH, IT'S YOU MR. CLYDE...WHAT DO YOU WANT? ..BUT MR. CLYDE, YOU GAVE ME THE DAY OFF. WHAT?...OF COURSE MY HEAD IS SCREWED ON TIGHT....THE LAST TIME YOU TOLD ME TO HAVE IT CHECKED I DID..WHAT MR. CLYDE? RIGHT AWAY?...BUT...YES, MR. CLYDE. 


SOUND: REC DOWN 


IRMA: JANE I HAVE TO GO TO THE OFFICE...MR. CLYDE'S FURIOUS.


JANE: Why? 


IRMA: I DON'T KNOW. LAST WEEK HE WAS ANGRY AT ME WHEN I TYPED HIS INCOME TAX FORM. 


JANE: What did you do?  


IRMA: I PUT HIS WIFE'S NAME IN THE WRONG PLACE. HE SAID HE WANTED TO DEDUCT HER FOR DEPENDENCY NOT FOR DEPRECIATION. 


JANE: Well you get to the office, I'll carry on alone. Don't worry we'll put Mrs. O'Reilly over the top. 


IRMA: OH THAT'S WONDERFUL...AND JANE WOULD YOU MIND RUNNING OVER TO 8204 74TH STREET, APARTMENT SIX A.


JANE: I thought you were there? 


IRMA: I WAS.


JANE: Well are the people Irish? 


IRMA: I DON'T KNOW...THOSE WOODEN SHOES THAT THEY WEAR MAKE SUCH NOISE I COULDN'T HEAR A WORD THEY SAID. 


ORCH: STINGER


SOUND: DOOR OPEN 


CLYDE: (OFF) Is that you Miss Peterson?


IRMA: YES, IT IS MR. CLYDE, BUT I CAN'T GIVE YOU MORE THAN TEN MINUTES.


CLYDE: (COMING ON) If I was running the gas chamber that would be all I'd need. 


IRMA: WHY, WHAT DID I DO? 


CLYDE: Yesterday I dictated a letter to Judge Hawkins that I would meet him at the flower show, where his wife was going to display her prize winning Poppies...I did not say that he should get a prize because his wife was having puppies.


IRMA: BUT IT'S ONLY ONE LETTER WRONG.


CLYDE: That's very important. Take you for instance...one little letter keeps your head from being good and makes it wood. I've never seen such horrible spelling. I'll bet you don't even know the alphabet. 


IRMA: OH, THAT'S RIDICULOUS. 


CLYDE: Let me hear it? 


IRMA: A...B...C... 


CLYDE: Yes...


IRMA: D..E..F..G.. 


CLYDE: Yes... 


IRMA: ALL THE REST HAVE TWENTY EIGHT EXCEPT FEBRUARY. 


CLYDE: Now cut that out. 


IRMA: WELL YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A CHILD. OF COURSE I KNOW THE ALPHABET. IT'S JUST THAT YOU DICTATE TOO FAST. 


CLYDE: Too fast? When you got this job you told me you could take a hundred words a minute. 


IRMA: THAT'S RIGHT, BUT AFTER A MINUTE I'M THRU FOR THE DAY. 


CLYDE: Oh, sit down and get your note book. 


IRMA: PLEASE, MR. CLYDE, I CAN'T. IT'S ST. PATRICKS DAY AND I'M HELPING MRS. O'REILLY GET ELECTED SO SHE CAN LEAD THE PARADE. 


CLYDE: Oh, I'm sorry. When would you like to come in? 


IRMA: TOMORROW. 


CLYDE: Oh, tomorrow is too soon.


IRMA: YOU THINK SO? 


CLYDE: Yes. Let's make it Monday. 


IRMA: GOOD.


CLYDE: Monday August the twelfth, 1999. 


IRMA: 1999? WHY WE BOTH MAY BE DEAD BY THEN. 


CLYDE: Yes, it should be a lovely day. Good-bye. 


ORCH: STINGER 


JANE: Now Mrs. O'Reilly, this is how it shapes up. With a half hour to go, you have two hundred and four votes and Mrs. Hogan has two hundred and four votes.


MRS. O: Glory be! 


JANE: And guess what? 


MRS. O: What? 


JANE: I understand Mr. Kelly of Kelly's Pool Room is casting the deciding vote in your favor.


IRMA: I KNEW WE'D WIN. 


AL: Congratulations Mrs. O'Reilly. 


MRS. O: Oh, thank you my darlings...my life's dream has come true. And wait till I show you the cape I'm going to wear in the parade. Here, how do you like this? 


IRMA: OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL MRS. O'REILLY. 


JANE: What a soft green cloth....it's felt isn't it?


MRS. O: I believe so. Al got it for me. 


JANE: Where'd you get the cloth, Al? 


AL: Oh, er...uh...Forget it, it's nothing. 


JANE: When he says it's nothing I get worried... 


MRS. O: Well I certainly would like to pay you for it. 


AL: Please, you are dealing with a philanthropist.


SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR


MRS. O: Come in. 


SOUND: DOOR OPENS 


CASS: Is Mrs. O'Reilly here? 


MRS. O: Oh, yes Mr. Cassidy...what can I do for you?


CASS: I'm sorry, but I've got a bit of bad news for you. 


MRS. O: Bad news? 


CASS: Yes. As you know, Patrick Kelly of the Pool room was going to cast the deciding vote for you.


MRS. O: Yes?


CASS: But he's changed his mind. 


JANE: Why? 


CASS: Because someone came into his pool room and cut the green cloth off his best billiard table.


JANE: Don't move Philanthropist!


CASS: Mrs. Hogan saw the cloth being brought up here. I don't think there's anything more to be said. Good-Day. 


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES 


MRS. O: (CRIES) Oh, good heavens. 


JANE: Al, you've done a lot of low things, but this one takes the prize. Why did you steal that cloth? 


AL: I didn't steal it. I was making a trick shot and I forgot to chalk my cue. 


JANE: That took off a whole cover? 


AL: I use a lot of English. Now look Mrs. O'Reilly, I -


MRS. O: (CRIES) Please Janie, take me down to my room.


JANE: Of course Mrs. O'Reilly. Now don't take it too badly. 


MRS. O: (CRYING) You don't know all the trouble I've gone to. Why I've spent so much money at the Beauty parlor, why if I raised the rents for six months I still wouldn't be even. 


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES


IRMA: (CRIES) 


AL: Now don't you start bawling, Chicken. I was just trying to be a nice guy. 


IRMA: (CRYING) BUT POOR MRS. O'REILLY.


AL: We still have hope.


IRMA: (SOBBING) WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 


AL: Kelly's vote only counts if there's a tie, such as there is now...but if in the next half hour we should find an extra vote for Mrs. O'Reilly, Kelly's vote wouldn't count and Mrs. O'Reilly would be the winner. 


IRMA: BUT AL EVERY IRISH PERSON IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD HAS ALREADY VOTED. 


AL: Not everyone. 


ORCH: STINGER 


KELLY: Well gentlemen, and Ladies of the Auxillary...As you know, it is now one minute to 2. In the contest between Mrs. Hogan and Mrs. O'Reilly to see who would march at the head of the parade the voting is exactly even...Two hundred and four to two hundred and four. So I would like to cast my deciding vote for- 


MAN: One moment Mr. Kelly. 


KELLY: Yes, Moriarity, what is it? 


MAN: We have just received one more last minute signature...It's for Mrs. O'Reilly! 


KELLY: Now let me see that. 


MAN: Here it is. 


KELLY: Irma O'Peterson???... Well I thought I knew every Irish name in the world, but I never heard of O'Peterson. I'm going to this address and check up before we make a decision. 


ORCH: STINGER. 


IRMA: OH, AL...THEY'RE COMING OVER HERE. WHAT SHALL I DO? 


AL: Just stick to your story. By the time they trace your ancestry the parade will be over. 


IRMA: BUT HOW CAN I MAKE THEM THINK I'M IRISH? 


AL: It's easy Chicken...Just use a lot of Irish expressions, like, "Faith and Begorra". 


IRMA: FAITH AND BEGORRA. 


AL: Aye it's a lovely day....and top of the - 


IRMA: (SNEEZES) 


AL: Gesundheit! Morning to you. 


IRMA: I SEE. 


AL: Then say that you were born in County Cork on a peat bog and you are a real daughter of Erin. 


IRMA: COUNTY CORK...REAL DAUGHTER OF ERIN. 


AL: And for good luck, you like to kiss the Blarney Stone...and your father was head of the Police department. 


IRMA: OH, THERE'S SO MUCH TO REMEMBER...LET'S SEE...FAITH AND BEGORRA...COUNTY CORK...REAL DAUGHTER OF ERIN...POLICE HEAD...BLARNEY STONE.


AL: Chicken, if you ever concentrated, do it now...Mrs. O'Reilly's fate depends upon you. 


IRMA: OH AL, ARE YOU LEAVING? 


AL: Down the fire escape...they're coming up the front. Good luck, Chicken..


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES 


IRMA: OH, IF I COULD BE SINGING SOME IRISH SONGS WHEN THEY COME IN. HOW DOES THAT ONE GO? "IRELAND MUST BE IN NEW HAVEN, BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER CAME FROM THERE". 


SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR 


IRMA: COME IN. 


SOUND: DOOR OPEN 


KELLY: Miss O'Peterson?


IRMA: FAITH AND HOW'S DORA?


KELLY: What? 


IRMA: AYE, IT'S A LOVELY DAY...AND THE TOP OF A GESUNDHEIT TO YOU!


KELLY: What? What part of Ireland did you come from? 


IRMA: BLARNEY COUNTY.


KELLY: Blarney County? 


IRMA: YES, MY FATHER AND I WERE REAL CORK HEADS...AND EVERY MORNING FOR GOOD LUCK I WOULD KISS PETE BOG, A LOVELY FELLOW.


KELLY: Now hold it a minute..you're not Irish. 


IRMA: I'M NOT? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW YOU'RE TALKING TO A DAUGHTER OF OLD IRAN. 


KELLY: Iran? Iran is in Asia! 


IRMA: WELL YOU KNOW HOW WE IRISH GET AROUND.


KELLY: I'm going to get to the bottom of this, if I have to trace your whole family...


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


JANE: Hello Irma.... 


IRMA: WELL IF IT ISN'T JANE McSTACY, MY IRISH ROOM MATE. 


JANE: McSTACY? 


KELLY: Just a moment Miss..Is this Blonde young lady Irish? 


JANE: Yes, she's about as Irish as Smorgasbord. 


IRMA: OH, JANE..NOW YOU- 


JANE: Look Irma, what ever you're doing, there's no need to do it...I've got news for you. 


IRMA: NEWS? 


JANE: Yes. Mrs. O'Reilly and Mrs. Hogan are marching arm and arm at the head of the parade together. 


KELLY: Glory be...I've been trying to get them to do that for three months...How did it come about? 


JANE: Oh, now they're the best of friends.....They both found out each others true age and agreed to keep it a secret.


ORCH: BRIDGE


ANNCR: Irma and Jane will be back in one moment. 


(CLOSING COMMERCIAL)


1ST ANNCR: Why are so many thousands of people switching to the new, king-size cigarette..Cavalier? The answer is simple. Cavaliers offer both supreme mildness and superb flavor. 


2ND ANNCR: Just listen to this evidence of Cavalier Mildness. Group after group of smokers from coast to coast...thousands of smokers in all....compared king-size Cavaliers with the brands they had been smoking. And 8 out of 10 smokers interviewed said Cavaliers are milder


1ST ANNCR: Among them was Frances Bolin, one of scores of airline hostesses who were interviewed in New York City. As Miss Bolin said: "I found Cavaliers definitely milder than the cigarette I had been smoking...and they taste especially good to me, too!" 


2ND ANNCR: Try Cavaliers! See if you don't find them milder..with wonderful flavor. King-size Cavaliers are priced no higher than other standard brands. Buy a carton! 


1ST ANNCR: And remember....king-size Cavaliers are made by the makers of Camels, America's most popular cigarette. All the know-how gained in producing Camels stands behind Cavaliers!


MUSIC:      


JANE: Well the St. Patrick's Day Parade is over and it was really lovely...Irma, how did you like it?


IRMA: LIKE WHAT?


JANE: The parade.


IRMA: OH, I IMAGINE IT'S GOING TO BE FUN.


JANE: Imagine? The parade was on Seventh Avenue at three o'clock.


IRMA: OH, I THOUGHT IT WAS ON THIRD AVENUE AT SEVEN O'CLOCK. OH, WELL I GUESS I BETTER PUT THIS PENNANT I BOUGHT AWAY UNTIL NEXT ST. PATRICK'S DAY.


JANE: Irma, Mossadegh is not president of Ireland...Oh, why should I correct her...Pretty soon I'll be believing it myself if I go on living with my friend Irma!


ORCH: BRIDGE 


MUSIC: THEME 


ANNCR: "My Friend Irma" is a Cy Howard Production and is directed by Parke Levy who writes the script with Stanley Adams. Marie Wilson is starred as Irma and Cathy Lewis as Jane. Kenny Delmar was heard as Maestro Wanderkin, Gloria Gordon as Mrs. O'Reilly, Sid Tomack was Al and Alan Reed as Mr. Clyde. 


Also included were: Dick Ryan & Stanley Adams.


Music was under the direction of Lud Gluskin. Until next Tuesday, your friend Irma says: 


IRMA: HOPE YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE A CAVALIER NEARBY. KING SIZE. 


ANNCR: Bob LeMond speaking, transcribed from Hollywood, and saying goodnight for Cavalier Cigarettes.


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