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Red Skelton - Mother's Day

The Red Skelton Program

Mother's Day 

May 06 1949



CAST:

ROD O'CONNOR, the announcer

WOMAN

THE FOUR KNIGHTS, singing group


RED SKELTON, comedian

    DEADEYE, cowboy

    WILLIE LUMP LUMP, drunk

    THE KID

DAISY JUNE, Southern drawl

MRS. FUSSY, loud, belligerent

DAVID ROSE, henpecked bandleader

MAN (2 lines)

MOM

POP

SIS

BRO



O'CONNOR: From Hollywood, "The Red Skelton Program," brought to you by Tide, Procter & Gamble's amazing new discovery for your whole family wash.


MUSIC: FOR JINGLE--


WOMAN: (SINGS)

Tide's in! Dirt's out!

Tide gets clothes cleaner than any soap.


O'CONNOR: Any soap? 


WOMAN: (SINGS)

Yes, any soap. 

Tide gets clothes cleaner than any soap.

T-I-D-E -- Tide!


MUSIC: JINGLE ENDS ... HARP GLISSANDO INTO THEME (VINCENT YOUMANS' "GREAT DAY")


O'CONNOR: Yes, it's "The Red Skelton Program" with David Rose and His Orchestra, the Four Knights, Verna Felton, Lurene Tuttle, Pat McGeehan, and yours truly, Rod O'Connor. 


MUSIC: UP BRIEFLY .. THEN IN BG


O'CONNOR: Sunday is Mother's Day and we all find ourselves with the problem of what we can do to show Mom -- the gal, our best gal, or shall we say "Mother"? -- that we love her. Well, it is a problem, so let's see how Red Skelton -- MGM's favorite comedian and Procter & Gamble's clown -- handles the Mother's Day situation.


MUSIC: UP AND OUT


SOUND: APPLAUSE 


DAISY: Mr. Skelton?


RED: (SNORES)


DAISY: Mr. Skelton? Wake up!


RED: (MURMURS, WAKES) I'm awake, I'm awake. I just got long eyelids is all. ... Must have fallen asleep here in the hammock. 


DAISY: I guess you did fall asleep. You never snore like that when you're awake. 


RED: Yeah. 


DAISY: You shouldn't fall asleep in the sun. Look how burned you are.


RED: Huh? 


DAISY: My! I ain't seen your face so red since you read the Kinsey Re-port. ...


RED: Is my face red? 


DAISY: Take a look. 


RED: Oh. Well, I'm not too sunburned. You should have seen me last summer. I went down to the beach-- (LOSES HIS PLACE IN THE SCRIPT, QUICK ASIDE) Don't look for it. ... I went down to the beach and I got so sunburned that a lobster walked up and he says, "Sam! Where you been?!" ... [APPLAUSE FOR JOKE] Oh, my.


DAISY: Do you know what time it is? 


RED: (AD LIBS) No, I don't even know where it is here, either. ... 


DAISY: It's one o'clock.


RED: What? One o'clock? Any calls? 


DAISY: Yeah. The Biltmore Florists called. 


RED: Yeah? 


DAISY: Do you want to send your mother flowers on Sunday? 


RED: What for? 


DAISY: It's Mother's Day.


RED: Oh, I forgot. No, I don't think I'm gonna send her flowers this year. I'm gonna give her something that's really worthwhile.


DAISY: Well, I gotta get upstairs and make the bed. 


RED: Yeah, well, do me a favor. Today, run your hand over the mattress first. Yesterday you made up the bed and I was still in it. ... 


SOUND: DOOR SLAMS, OFF


DAISY: Oh! Mr. Skelton! You better get in the house! 


RED: What's the matter?


DAISY: Mrs. Fussy, that grumpy old next-door neighbor, just came out. 


RED: Oh, yeah, the ump girl of Bull Run. ... Maybe I can sneak into the kitchen without her seeing me. 


SOUND: HURRIED FOOTSTEPS BRIEFLY


MRS. F: (APPROACHES) Mr. Skelton, I see you! In fact, I see you constantly! If you must sleep all day, do you have to do it in the backyard?! You're lousing up the landscape! ... 


RED: But Mrs. Fussy-- 


MRS. F: I have a complaint about you, Mr. Skelton!


RED: (MOCK DISBELIEF) No! 


MRS. F: You always try to figure a way to invade my premises, don't you?


RED: Well, I-- 


MRS. F: Yesterday, you sprayed your rose bushes -- and the bugs flew over and died in my backyard! ... 


RED: Well, how you know they were my bugs? 


MRS. F: Because they had the same stupid expression on their faces! ... And another thing!


RED: Yes?


MRS. F: You had your television set on last night and left all your blinds up! 


RED: Yes?


MRS. F: And I got so carried away watching the wrestling matches that I nearly strangled my husband! ... 


RED: But, Mrs.--


MRS. F: Mr. Skelton! I don't have to take that kind of talk from you! ... 


RED: Well, look, uh, I've got to go in now. I have to get my mother a Mother's Day present.


MRS. F: Ha ha! Now you're trying to tell me you had a mother! ... 


RED: Well, yes.


MRS. F: Ohhhh, if I only could have spoken to her forty years ago. ...


RED: I'm only thirty-five. 


MRS. F: I don't care. I'd be glad to spend five years talking her out of it! ... Well, give my sympathy to you mother.


RED: Well, thanks-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Huh?


MRS. F: That poor woman! Going through life hoping and praying, and never having any children!


RED: What do you mean? She had me


MRS. F: That's a pretty weak excuse if I ever heard one! ...


RED: But, look--


MRS. F: I've had headaches, sore throat, wisdom teeth -- but you're the first pain in the neck that I haven't been able to get rid of! Oh, the--! (MOVES OFF, BELLOWING INCOMPREHENSIBLY)


SOUND: DOOR SHUTS AS SHE EXITS ... APPLAUSE FOR MRS. F


RED: Boy, that gal's mouth reminds me of a hamburger joint -- open twenty-four hours a day. ... 


SOUND: DOORBELL RINGS


RED: Hey, Daisy June, go see who's at the door. 


DAISY: Oh, all right.


SOUND: DAISY'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS


O'CONNOR: Hello, Daisy June. 


SOUND: DOOR SHUTS ABRUPTLY ... DAISY'S STEPS TO RED


DAISY: It's Rod O'Connor. 


RED: Well, why didn't you let him in? 


DAISY: You just said "see who it is"! ... So I seed.


RED: Yeah. Well, seed if-- See if you can find some brains to bring to work with you tomorrow. ... I'll open the door myself.


SOUND: RED'S STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS


RED: Hiya, Rod. What's up? 


O'CONNOR: Say, did you hear the Hollywood racetrack burned down? 


RED: Yeah, yeah, it's gonna put about thirty thousand people homeless now. ...


O'CONNOR: You know, they think it's a case of arson. 


RED: Well, bring it over; I drink anything. ... I understand that Joe Frisco threw away a hot tip. ... Gee, I'm sorry Daisy June didn't let you in there. She thought you were a salesman. 


O'CONNOR: Well, I am. I sell Tide. 


RED: From door to door? 


O'CONNOR: Well, sure. I want Tide in every home. 


RED: Yeah, well, when television gets in, boy, then it'll be in every home. 


O'CONNOR: You mean that TV will eventually replace radio? 


RED: Yeah, you know, they got radio now where you hear the people, see? Now they got television where you can see 'em. They'll come out next with an invention where you can-- You can actually feel the people, you know. ... Can you imagine me and you doing some--? Pretty bum jokes! ... Why beat around the bush? We do some rotten jokes. No use beating around the bush. Suddenly reaches in and says, "Grab that guy, will ya?" ... What was Hollywood thinking about? ...


O'CONNOR: Yeah.


RED: Milton Berle will probably broadcast in an armored suit. ... 


O'CONNOR: Well, do you think Milton Berle will still be around by then? 


RED: Oh, sure. He's a very young man; he's not old. Just his material makes it appear that way. ... 


O'CONNOR: Well, are you going to let me stand here on the porch all day or can I just walk in, Big Red? 


RED: Well, I don't know. Is the door wide enough, "Big Blow"? ... Now, don't start that Big Red stuff around here. Come on in, come on in.


SOUND: DURING FOLLOWING, ROD REMOVES RECORD FROM PAPER SLEEVE AND PUTS IT ON PHONOGRAPH--


O'CONNOR: Well, I can only stay a minute. I just wanted to hear a new number written by David Rose and sung by the Four Knights and Old Texas Deadeye. Uh, does this machine of yours work? 


RED: It's about the only thing around here that does work. The rest of the things are relative.


SOUND: PHONOGRAPH NEEDLE ON RECORD ... THEN--


MUSIC: "TEXAS IS SO BIG" ... ORCHESTRA ACCOMPANIES SINGERS, IN BG 


THE FOUR KNIGHTS: (SING)

Ohhhhhhh,

Texas is so big! 

So gosh-all-get-out big!

And every native proudly smiles

At all the miles and miles and miles,

Texas is so big! 


They tell about a cowpoke down in San Antone.

He wrote his gal in Dallas he was sad and lone.

So he made a date for half-past eight

And when he flew by jet,

She couldn't wait and broke the date

And he ain't got there yet.


Oh, Texas is so big! 

So gosh-all-get-out big!

Your next-door neighbor lives, they say,

At least six hundred miles away.

Texas is so big! 


They tell about a rancher near the Rio Grande.

He raised the finest sheep and cattle in the land.

But he kept his chickens cooped up on some ground he had to spare,

A spot of land no bigger than 

The state of Delaware!


Ohhhhhh, Texas is so big! 

So gosh-all-get-out big!

So big, in fact, that don't forget

Just where the sun don't ever set.

Texas is so big!

(CONTINUES WORDLESSLY DOO-DOOING BEHIND DEADEYE--)


DEADEYE: (SPOKEN WORD INTERLUDE) Whoa, boys! Whooooaaaa! Yes, sir! I'm from Texas! Down there, we got nothin' but miles and miles of nothin' but miles and miles! ... We got anything you want! If you don't see it, just ask for it. And if we ain't got it, you didn't need it nohow! ... 

(RHYTHMIC)

To prove the point I'm making more conclusively, 

Just look at any map in your geography. 

That's Texas in the center and us Texans point with pride 

To them forty-seven little states you see on every side! ... 


THE FOUR KNIGHTS: (SING)

Ohhhhhhh,

Texas is so big! 

So gosh-all-get-out big!

And every native proudly smiles

At all the miles and miles and miles,

That Texas! -- is so big! 


MUSIC: SONG ENDS


SOUND: APPLAUSE


RED: Well, you know, that was really good. I enjoyed every hour of that. ...


O'CONNOR: (AGREES) Mmm. 


RED: So that's what happened to old dirty Deadeye, huh? 


O'CONNOR: Well, he's not dirty any more because he's heard about--


MUSIC: FOR JINGLE--


WOMAN: (SINGS)

Tide's in! Dirt's out!

Tide gets clothes cleaner than any soap.


O'CONNOR: Any soap? 


WOMAN: (SINGS)

Yes, any soap.


MUSIC: JINGLE ENDS ABRUPTLY


O'CONNOR: As a matter of fact, Tide not only gets clothes cleaner than any soap, but cleaner than any other suds, cleaner than any other washing product known.


MUSIC: FOR JINGLE--


WOMAN: (SINGS) Tide gets clothes cleaner than all of them! T-I-D-E -- Tide!


MUSIC: JINGLE ENDS 


O'CONNOR: Yes, Tide promises to wash your clothes cleaner than any other product that's known today. For Procter & Gamble's Tide not only leaves clothes free from dirt, it removes dingy soap film, too. Yet with all this amazing cleaning power, Tide is truly safe for all your washable colors. In fact, those colors actually brighten up when Tide sweeps away dulling soap film. As for sheets, towels, and shirts: in hottest water, Tide gets them whiter than any other washing product known. Tide keeps them white, too: week after week, never turns them yellow. So try Tide. Treat your whole family wash to washday's most amazing performance. No soap, no other suds, no other washing product known will get your clothes as clean as Tide.


MUSIC: TAG


RED: So that's what happened to old dirty Deadeye, huh? ...


O'CONNOR: Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Oh, say, I was in Texas last Tuesday with my other show, you know.


RED: No. 


O'CONNOR: And your new picture "Neptune's Daughter" is running there.


RED: Oh, yeah, I heard about that. I understand that it's the first time in a long time there's been more corn on the screen than in the lobby. ... Hey, maybe I could have the studio to run that picture for my mother on Sunday.


O'CONNOR: Mm hm.


RED: How would you and Sylvia like to come over for dinner? You know, Sunday's Mother's Day. 


O'CONNOR: Well, I'm not a mother. ...


RED: Well, just keep breathing -- somebody'll figure out what you are yet. ... 


O'CONNOR: Well, er-- 


RED: (AD LIBS) You have to think fast around here when they throw stuff at you that ain't here, ya know. ... 


O'CONNOR: Well, why do you want me to come over for dinner? So I can Tide up the dishes? 


RED: Oh, don't be silly, I'll use paper plates. And you can help me with 'em later: I'll stack and you erase. ... No, I'm kidding. I like to fix dinner with my own hands you know, all by myself--


SOUND: DOORBELL RINGS


RED: (QUIETLY EXCITED TO HAVE A GUEST) Hey, who's that? David Rose -- I'll bet you a dollar. (CALLS) Come on in, Dave! 


SOUND: DOOR OPENS, NEAR SIMULTANEOUS WITH--


ROSE: (ALMOST JUMPS HIS CUE, NEAR SIMULTANEOUS WITH DOOR OPENING) Hiya, fellas. 


RED: Well, wait till you get in the door, will ya? ... It's all right to be fast around here, but not that fast! ... 


O'CONNOR: Hiya, David. How's Betty? Er, how did you get off your leash today anyway?


ROSE: Oh, I've been out trying to buy a Mother's Day present for Betty, but it sure is difficult.


O'CONNOR: Really? 


RED: Yeah? You're buying her a present? She's not a mother. 


ROSE: That's what makes it so difficult. ... Boy, women are sure hard to understand.


RED: Can we quote you on that? 


O'CONNOR: Well, what happened? Did you and Betty have a quarrel? 


ROSE: Oh, no. Everything's just swell. We're just not speaking. ... 


RED: Well, there's a brilliant line, isn't it?! ... What's Betty mad about? 


ROSE: Oh, she's not mad, just peeved.


RED: Oh? 


ROSE: Last night I came in, I found her knitting some little booties. 


RED: (PLEASANTLY SURPRISED) Ohhhh.


ROSE: And when I asked her what it was all about, she said, "It looks like we're gonna have the patter of little feet around the house." 


RED: No kidding? 


ROSE: So I started setting the mousetraps. ... 


RED: (LOST HIS PLACE AGAIN) Would you mind lettin' me see what I'm gonna do here? ... You mean--? You mean that you're going to be a father?! 


ROSE: I don't know, is it in my contract? ...


RED: I agree with Betty: I'm not speaking to you any more, either. 


ROSE: Well, I better get home. Betty might be worried.


RED: Oh, well, why don't you just call her up and tell her where ya are?


ROSE: Okay, it's worth a try. 


RED: Go ahead.


SOUND: RECEIVER UP


ROSE: Now let's see, what's our number? Oh, yeah. 


SOUND: ROTARY DIAL ... INCREASINGLY RAPID, RHYTHMIC AND UNCEASING, FAR BEYOND THE USUAL NUMBER OF DIGITS ... THEN BEHIND RED--


RED: (PAUSE) Two to one the Iron Curtain stops this call! ... Can you play "Holiday for Strings" on that thing? ... With a number that long, instead of dialing, you could just run over to the house and ask her in person.


ROSE: (INTO PHONE) Oh, hello. Hello, honey. This is Big Dave. ... Say, honey, I'm over at Red's house and he wants me to hang around for a while. Do you mind? -- Oh, swell. Goodbye, honey. 


SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN


RED: Well?


ROSE: She said I could stay, for three more minutes. 


RED: Oh. ... Well, you better figure out how you're going to handle all that time on your hands now. 


O'CONNOR: Well, I can't hang around all day, I gotta get going. Do you want to go with me, Red? 


RED: No, I got to think up something special for my mother.


O'CONNOR: Okay, I'll see you later. I gotta go down and see a guy who owes me some money. Come on, David, walk downtown with me. 


ROSE: Okay.


RED: I'll see you guys later.


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES AS THE GUYS EXIT


RED: (MUSES, TO HIMSELF) What can I get my mother now?


MUSIC: FANFARE ... THEN IN BG


O'CONNOR: David Rose and his Tide Orchestra will play a medley from "Oklahoma!" 


MUSIC: UP FOR MEDLEY OF RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN SONGS FROM THE BROADWAY MUSICAL "OKLAHOMA!" ("SURREY WITH THE FRINGE ON TOP," "PEOPLE WILL SAY WE'RE IN LOVE," AND THE TITLE TUNE)


SOUND: APPLAUSE


O'CONNOR: You know, the man who said "woman's work is never done" must have meant dishwashing. Every few hours there's a pile of dishes waiting to be done. Luckily, the doing's a lot easier and pleasanter than it used to be, because Tide's here. And Procter & Gamble's Tide washes dishes cleaner than any soap made. Tide cuts grease better than any soap, too. Tide leaves no scum in the water, no greasy ring around the pan. Best of all, Tide does away with cloudy film on dishes and glasses. With Tide, they rinse and dry clear and glistening, even if you don't wipe them. And you know how important suds are in dishwashing? Well, those Tide suds come frothing up instantly, and they last amazingly, even in hardest water. As for kindness to your hands, Tide suds have that, too. In fact, Tide's got everything it takes to make dishwashing easier and pleasanter than you ever dreamed it could be. Just try Tide and see.


MUSIC: TAG


RED: (AD LIBS) So that's what happened to old dirty Deadeye. ...


O'CONNOR: (CHUCKLES) Hey, Dave, this is where that guy is who owes me twenty dollars. Let's stop in and have a Coke. 


ROSE: No, I gotta get. My three minutes are up. 


SOUND: SHOP DOOR WITH JANGLING BELLS OPENS ... THEN CLOSES BEHIND--


MAN: Well, if it isn't Rod O'Connor! 


O'CONNOR: Yeah, have you seen Willie Lump-Lump?


MAN: Ain't that him over there? 


O'CONNOR: Yeah, I didn't recognize him standing up. ... Hiya, Willie. 


WILLIE: (WILDLY DRUNK) Get your hands off of me! ... (INSISTENT) I said get your hands off of me. ... 


O'CONNOR: I'm not touching you. 


WILLIE: Oh, those are my hands, huh? ... I stand here with my hands folded and I - I thought they looked kind of familiar.


O'CONNOR: Uh huh. ... You better lay off that stuff, Willie. 


WILLIE: Yeah. Oh, it's gettin' a little embarrassing, you know?


O'CONNOR: Mm hm. 


WILLIE: Gotta lay off of that stuff. 


O'CONNOR: Yeah.


WILLIE: It's gettin' so now, they put a glass of beer in front of you and you look at it and all of a sudden you realize it's got a better head on it than you got. ... [APPLAUSE FOR JOKE, ASIDE] I'll bet ya a dollar that got a bigger laugh than what was written. ...


O'CONNOR: Say, I've been looking for you. What about that twenty bucks you owe me? 


WILLIE: Aw, don't worry about it! There's other things to worry about! The Hollywood track is gone! ... Don't you worry about it. There's no use for both of us to worry. ... Maybe I could do a little work for you. I could be your valet or something, huh? I'm a good valet. 


O'CONNOR: Yeah. But what do I need with a valet? (BEAT) I said, what do I need with a valet? 


WILLIE: (FEIGNS MILD INDIGNANCE) I heard you and was going to answer you. ... (RESUMES, UP) You should have one; you're getting a little big for your mother to dress you! ... 


O'CONNOR: Say, that reminds me -- what are you giving your mother for Mother's Day?


WILLIE: My shirts to wash. ... What are you giving your mother?


O'CONNOR: Well, nothing. You see, when I was five years old, I was left an orphan. 


WILLIE: You were left an orphan?


O'CONNOR: (YES) Mm hm. 


WILLIE: What was it -- a boy or girl? ... 


O'CONNOR: You know, it sure is nice that we've set aside one day to pay tribute to mothers. 


WILLIE: Yeah, Mother's Day. That's the day when you borrow a buck from Mom to buy her a box of your favorite candy. ... What a racket, what a racket they got now, boy. They're gonna give Mother a day, see? What day do they pick? Sunday -- the day she was gonna rest up anyhow! ... 


O'CONNOR: Yeah, you know, and Mother'd kind of wish that sweet stuff would last all year. 


WILLIE: Yeah, Mother's Day. That's when you walk in and you say, "How did I ever pick such a wonderful mother?" and the old man says, "What are you talking about? ... I picked her out! You just came along with the deal!" ... 


O'CONNOR: You know, Willie, I was just thinking. You know, mother love is a funny thing.


WILLIE: You're right there, boy. There ain't another kind of love like that in the whole world. You can trust Mom with secrets that you wouldn't dare tell anyone else. 


O'CONNOR: Yeah, you're sure right there. 


WILLIE: I'm right. Did you know that my mother and me are the only two people in the world who know the size of my underwear? ... 


O'CONNOR: You know-- You know, really, every day should be Mother's Day. 


WILLIE: What's that? What's that? Would you mind mutilating that again?


O'CONNOR: I said, every day should be Mother's Day. 


WILLIE: Every day is Mother's Day! I remember once I went to school to a little play they had there.


O'CONNOR: Mm hm.


WILLIE: And there was a little boy that told a story about the whole thing. I can hear the little kid now. It went something like this.


MUSIC: FANFARE ... FOR MOTHER'S DAY PLAY ... THEN NOSTALGIC, IN BG


KID: It's six-thirty in the morning and the wittle family is asleep. Brother is in his bed, Sister is in her bed, Pop was right in the middle across the double bed, and Mom sleeps hanging on the side of the bed. ... She don't want to disturb Pop, see? Who's got the softest pillow? Sister. Who got the best mattress? Brother. Who got all the covers? Pop. Who's freezing to death? You guessed it: Mom. ... But she don't mind. Her heart's warm. It's so warm that she wished she could take it out and put it on her toes 'cause they're like icicles. ... And then suddenly the alarm clock goes off, see?


SOUND: ALARM CLOCK RINGS ... THEN IN BG


KID: Now, does Pop get up and shut it off? You bet your sweet life he don't. That two hundred pounds of solid flab just lays there. ... And does Brother say, "I'll get it, Mom. You stay in bed and I will fix you breakfast"? In a pig's eye he do. Does Sister say something? No. So poor old Mom gets up and she shuts off the alarm clock-- (SOUND: ALARM CLOCK OFF) --and as cheerful as Spring itself, she says--


MOM: (CHEERFUL) Well, how's my happy little brood this morning? 


POP: (SNORES NOISILY)


KID: The brood ain't in the mood. ...


MUSIC: UP FOR BRIEF BRISK TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND KID--


KID: Now her day starts. First thing she has to do is get the little brood up, see? Now, do they get right up? Don't make me laugh. Mom has to trick 'em into it, and first it's with Pop.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


MOM: (APOLOGETIC) Dad, you're going to be late to work. The clock is fifteen minutes slow. I set it back last night.


POP: (BRUSQUE) Yeah, I know. So I set it up again. Call me in fifteen minutes. 


MUSIC: ACCENT .. THEN NOSTALGIC, IN BG--


KID: Now next is Sister. Let's see what Mom has to do to get her up.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


MOM: Sister? You're wanted on the phone.


SIS: Oh, it's that old Warren Baker I'll bet. Oh, Mom, where's my robe? I can't talk to him without my robe! 


MOM: Why? Has he got television eyes? ... Up now -- up.


SIS: Mom, I haven't got any stockings. Can I borrow the pair I gave you for your birthday? 


MOM: But, dear, I was saving those for a special occasion.


SIS: But they won't fit you! They're my size. ... 


MOM: Okay, take them -- only hurry and get dressed.


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES


KID: Now comes the brother. Every morning, it's the same thing with him: Mom has to pull the covers off of him, smack him a couple of times across the face, and then throw ice water on him. (CHUCKLES)


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


MOM: All right, lazy bones, get up! Breakfast is ready! 


BRO: (HALF ASLEEP) Ohhh, what time is it? I'm so tired.


SOUND: MOM GRABS BUCKET


MOM: Oh, now come on, get up. 


BRO: Oh, Mom, let me sleep! I'm a growing boy! 


MOM: Okay, you asked for it. (SOUND: ICE IN BUCKET) (WITH EFFORT) This is just in case you get thirsty


BRO: Oh, Mom! No, no! Not the ice water! 


SOUND: SPLASH!


BRO: Ha ha! I fooled ya! I got my raincoat on! ...


MOM: Oh, dear.


MUSIC: ACCENT ... THEN IN BG--


KID: Now comes Mom's real worry: breakfast! Everybody wants something different: Pop drinks coffee, Brother drinks milk, Sister wants hot chocolate. And what does Mom drink? What's left. Brother likes bacon and eggs, Pop wants waffles, Sister wants French toast, and lucky for them, Mom likes work. Then she sets the table and she looks lovingly at Pop and Pop looks lovingly at his newspaper. 


SOUND: BREAKFAST TABLE BACKGROUND (UTENSILS) ... DOOR OPENS


MOM: (CHEERFUL) Good morning, Father. Wonderful day, isn't it? 


POP: (BRUSQUE) It stinks. ... I spent half the night doping out a horse that could run on a muddy track and look.


KID: Now you'd think the whole family would eat together, wouldn't you? And you? (CHUCKLES) Don't make me laugh. Does Congress make it easier for the taxpayers? They does not. ...


MUSIC: ACCENT AND OUT


KID: This is the way it works. (RAPID) Pop sits down, Mom gets up, Brother comes in, Mom sets down and Pop leaves. (SOUND: DOOR SLAM) Sis comes in, Mom gets up, and then Brother leaves. (SOUND: DOOR SLAM) Mom sits down and Sister leaves. (SOUND: DOOR SLAM) Mom gets up, Mom sets down, Mom don't get nothin' to eat; there's nothing left.


MUSIC: ACCENT ... THEN IN BG


KID: But Mom never complains. She thinks she's got the most wonderful wittle family in the whole world. It's those parting words that they give her every morning that keep her going.


POP: Now don't forget to sew those buttons on my shirt! 


SIS: And rinse those hose out for me, huh, Mom?


BRO: How 'bout a buck for lunch, Mom? 


MUSIC: ACCENT AND OUT


KID: Now to you and me this sounds kind of rough, but Mom don't mind. It's those long goodbye kisses that make up for their demands. 


BRO: Well, I gotta go, Mom! Bye! 


SOUND: VERY FAST ... SMACK! SLIDE WHISTLE! DOOR SLAM!


KID: Missed her by five inches! ... 


MUSIC: HOMEY ... IN BG


KID: Now she's all alone. The house is quiet. There's nothing left for Mom but the soothing sounds of the vacuum cleaner and the washing machine, so she turns on the radio for a wittle diversion only to find out that John's Other Wife was out with Young Dr. Malone! ... Goodness, she even have to tune in on troubles! 


MUSIC: ACCENT ... THEN BRISK IN BG


KID: Now for the rest of the day. (RAPID) It's cleaning, it's cooking, it's shopping, it's scrimping, it's scraping, it's saving, its mopping, it's hurry, it's worry, it's Mom. 


MUSIC: SLOWS DOWN, ENDS ON A DISCORDANT BLARE ... THEN GENTLY IN BG


KID: Now it's time for the gluttons to come in and track up the floor she just scrubbed. So Mom figures she'll set down and rest just for a couple of minutes, and then Pop, he come in like a cyclone with a five o'clock shadow-- (SOUND: DOOR SLAM) --and he tiptoe over to her and he bends over and he says to her: 


POP: (ANNOYED) I wish I had it easy as you! 


KID: (CHUCKLES) And then Sister comes in with her happy little greeting. 


SOUND: DOOR SLAM


SIS: Hi, Mom! Flunked again! 


MUSIC: ACCENT ... THEN "HOME SWEET HOME" IN BG


KID: Now, after dinner, it's the dishes. After the dishes, it's the homework with the kids. Then after the kids, Mom says: 


MOM: How about a movie, Father? There's a Clark Gable movie at the Bijou. 


POP: (SNORES NOISILY)


KID: But the stale breadwinner is asleep. But she just smiles and she says, "Oh, well. Clark Gable hasn't got a snore like that." ... And after a while everyone's in bed, except-- (SOUND: CLOCK CHIMES) Who do you think? But now this is the time for Mom to do the sewing and the mending. Now it's after midnight. She go upstairs. (SOUND: STEPS ON STAIRS) She opens the window. (SOUND: WINDOW SLIDES OPEN) She puts out the cat and she locks the door. (SOUND: DOOR SHUTS, KEY TURNED) And then she picks up their wittle clothes. 


MUSIC: CHANGES TO BRAHMS' LULLABY ... THEN IN BG


KID: Then she pulls the covers up over her happy little brood. By golly, they even kick in their sleep. But they're all safe! And they're in one place. And she smiles and a tear comes to her eyes, and she looks forward for a tomorrow that will be just like yesterday. She's sleepy, too. But she walks around to each bed and she plants a kiss on each wittle face. Not that quick stuff, but a real mother's kiss. And you know, she got more reason to beef than all of 'em put together. But for some reason, she's happy.


MUSIC: CURTAIN


SOUND: APPLAUSE


O'CONNOR: Uh, say, Red, have you figured out something special to give your mother this Mother's Day?


RED: Yes, I have, Rod. 


O'CONNOR: What?


RED: A little more consideration the other three hundred and sixty-four days of the year.


MUSIC: TAG 


O'CONNOR: Thanks for being with us tonight. So until next Friday--


RED: --this is Red Skelton saying goodbye now, thanks for listening, and thanks for buying more and more of that washday miracle Tide!


MUSIC: FOR JINGLE--


WOMAN: (SINGS)

Tide's in! Dirt's out!

Tide gets clothes cleaner than any soap.

T-I-D-E -- Tide!


MUSIC: JINGLE ENDS ... HARP GLISSANDO INTO THEME (VINCENT YOUMANS' "GREAT DAY") ... FADES OUT FOR--


NBC ANNCR: This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company. 


MUSIC: NBC CHIMES


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