Microphone Plays‎ > ‎

Please Remember

Hollywood Theater 

Please Remember

Nov 07 1947




Dramatis Personae:

DR. IRISH STEWART, prickly young resident physician

CAROL GOOBER, young wife

BILL GOOBER, Carol's husband

MRS. CONWAY, Carol's hypochondriac mother

DR. EVERETT BURNS, psychiatrist; Irish's bête noire


NOTE: Announcements and commercials are omitted from this transcript. A version of this episode was repackaged for the syndicated series "Your Movietown Radio Theatre."





MUSIC: INTRO ... THEN BEHIND IRISH--


IRISH: (NARRATES) It's a very strange thing. Everything happens to me. A resident doctor in a regular hospital has normal accident patients -- you know, the kind that want to get well and get out of the hospital. But does that happen to me? Not on your life. Maybe I should have known I was headed for trouble when the ambulance brought them in and the report said that the boy had crashed into an embankment when he leaned over to kiss the girl. But little did I suspect what was going to happen when I mixed that sedative for the pretty girl.


SOUND: IRISH MIXES A SEDATIVE


CAROL: (MOANS) Ohhhh.


IRISH: Drink this, Mrs. Goober. Take away that ache.


CAROL: (IN PAIN) Oh. Ohhhh, my head. (REALIZES) Oh, I hurt all over. (BEAT, WORRIED, TO IRISH) What happened to me?


IRISH: Come, Mrs. Goober. Sit up. (EXHALES WITH EFFORT AS HE HELPS HER UP)


CAROL: (EXHALES)


IRISH: Drink this while it's still bubbling.


CAROL: Thank you. (DRINKS, SHIVERS AT THE NASTY TASTE) Ooh! Oh, dear. That's awful.


IRISH: That's a good patient. I'll take the glass.


SOUND: IRISH'S STEPS AWAY, SETS GLASS ASIDE


CAROL: Where am I? Who are you?


IRISH: You're in the Mauldin Hospital, Mrs. Goober. I'm Dr. Stewart, the resident physician.


CAROL: Well, what happened to me, doctor? (DOUBLE TAKE) Doctor? (ATTRACTED TO HIM) You look awfully young for a doctor.


IRISH: Hmm, so they tell me. Well, everyone else in the building calls me "Irish." If you like that better than "doctor," fire away.


CAROL: Well, what happened? How did I get here?


IRISH: Don't you remember? You were in an automobile accident. But don't worry, you're not badly hurt; just bruised. A little rest and you'll--


CAROL: (ALARMED) Accident?! Who--? How--?


IRISH: (CHUCKLES) You are mixed up, aren't you? You were driving along the Henry Hudson Parkway with your husband, Mrs. Goober, and, as far as--


CAROL: Driving with my what?! Mrs. who?!


IRISH: (AMUSED) Your husband. But don't worry about him. He'll be all right. You were both--


CAROL: Oh, no. 


IRISH: What's the matter, Mrs. Goober?


CAROL: Matter? I - I'm not married. I have no husband, that's what's the matter. And-and-and that awful name you're calling me. It - it isn't mine.


IRISH: Not yours? But there's a wedding license in your baggage.


CAROL: Well, I don't care what you found in my-- In what baggage?


IRISH: The baggage you and Mr. Goober had in the car.


CAROL: (WITH SAVAGE DISLIKE OF THE NAME) Goober! I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not married to anybody.


IRISH: You're not? Then what were you doing surrounded by rice and bags with a sign on the back of the car saying, "Just married"? And your wedding ring--


CAROL: I haven't any!


IRISH: --is in the hospital safe with the rest of your valuables. (ANNOYED) Tell me, if your name isn't Goober, what is it?


CAROL: Now don't you get your Irish up at me, Irish. Er, doctor. And don't call me by that - that name again. For heaven's sakes, I ought to know my own name, I guess. It's, er-- (CONFUSED MURMUR)


IRISH: (BEAT) Well?


CAROL: Well, that's silly. It's, er-- (BEAT, LOW) At the moment, I - I can't think what my name is.


IRISH: Can't think of your name? And you really don't remember any accident?


CAROL: No. I don't. (ALARMED) Oh, dear. What's the matter with me?


IRISH: Now don't get frightened. It's nothing serious. It's not a bit serious.


CAROL: But what is it?


IRISH: Well, I can't be sure yet. Look, you rest. I'm going to the next room and have a talk with your husband. Er, with the man who was--


CAROL: Was he really in an accident with me?


IRISH: Yes, he really was.


CAROL: Honest? He was?


IRISH: Honest. Our ambulance picked you up in your wrecked car.


CAROL: (UNHAPPILY) Ohhhh. 


SOUND: CAROL SLUMPS BACK INTO BED


CAROL: (SUDDENLY SHARP AND SUSPICIOUS) Well, then he must have kidnapped me! My head hurts, too. He probably dragged me by the hair!


IRISH: Now, Mrs. Goober, don't go getting upset--


CAROL: Don't you Goober me! You Goober him! He must have drugged me! I'll bet his head doesn't hurt! You call the police!


IRISH: Now, please, you mustn't excite yourself. 


CAROL: (OVERLAPS) Goober indeed!


IRISH: Just relax and - and try to remember. I'll - I'll be back later.


SOUND: IRISH'S STEPS TO DOOR


CAROL: (CALLS AFTER HIM) You ask him who I am! He's a kidnapper! I want the police! I want him hanged!


SOUND: IRISH'S STEPS OUT THE DOOR WHICH OPENS AND SHUTS


IRISH: (TO HIMSELF) Oh, brother.


SOUND: IRISH'S STEPS INTO ROOM NEXT DOOR


IRISH: (GENTLY) Mr. Goober? Bill Goober? Awake?


BILL: (AWAKES IN PAIN) Ooh!


IRISH: Now, easy does it.


BILL: What the heck hit me?


IRISH: Don't get up. Just relax now. You - you were in an accident, but you're going to be all right.


BILL: Accident? What accident?


IRISH: Your car hit an embankment on the West Side Highway. It's a wreck, but you and your wife are pretty well off.


BILL: Well, I'm glad that we're-- (DOUBLE TAKE) What? Me and who?


IRISH: Your wife. Mrs. Goober.


BILL: My wife?! (AMUSED) Look, doc, you got the wrong guy. I'm not married.


IRISH: (ANNOYED) You're not?! Oh, now look, I can take a joke as well as the next guy--


BILL: Yeah, and you can dish 'em out, too. I tell ya, I'm a single man.


IRISH: I'm trying to help you folks, but unless you cooperate, I'll have to put this matter in the hands of the police.


BILL: Police? What for? Is it a crime not to be married?


IRISH: Well, there's something fishy about all this. People in passing cars say that you leaned over to kiss your wife while driving and ended up against an embankment. Your car's loaded with luggage. There's a wedding license--


BILL: (LAUGHS) That happened to me? Doc, you're crazy.


IRISH: For heaven's sakes, can't I get any help out of either one of you? Don't you remember either, Mr. Goober?


BILL: Mr. who?


IRISH: Goober! You are Bill Goober, aren't ya?


BILL: Well, certainly not. I knew you had the wrong guy. Goober?! (SHIVERS WITH DISTASTE) Ooh, that's not my name.


IRISH: What the devil do you mean?


BILL: Well, just what I said. You've got the wrong man.


IRISH: Oh, I have, have I? Tell me, mister, if your name isn't Goober, what is it?


BILL: My name is haaaaa-- (TRAILS OFF) It's-- (BEAT, QUIETLY DISTRESSED) Hey. I can't remember.


IRISH: What?


BILL: I've - I've forgotten it. But it's not Goober. It couldn't be! (BEAT) Gosh, I don't get this.


IRISH: You don't get it? Well, I get it, but I'm not sure I believe it!


BILL: What do you mean?


IRISH: You and your wife. You've both got amnesia!


MUSIC: BRIDGE


BILL: Doc, this thing I've got; amnesia. Is it bad?


IRISH: No, Mr. Goober. Just a temporary loss of memory due to your injuries. You'll get over it. Just stay in bed here and rest.


BILL: I - I - I will remember then?


IRISH: Certainly. You'll recover fully. Just a matter of time. We, uh, need your cooperation, of course. You see, this case is-- Well, to put it mildly, is, uh-- It's unusual.


BILL: What do you mean unusual?


IRISH: Well, you and your wife have both got the same ailment. It's very rare. I've never heard of it happening before.


BILL: Look, doctor, did you really find a wedding license and - and "Goober," and all that?


IRISH: Yes, we did.


BILL: (URGENT) All right then. I can't remember, but that woman -- the one who says she's my wife -- she's faking. She must be. Get the truth out of her, doc.


IRISH: Oh, for heaven's sakes.


BILL: How'd she ever manage it?


IRISH: Manage what?


BILL: Trick me into marrying her.


IRISH: She did no such thing. As a matter of fact, in her present condition, she thinks you kidnapped her.


BILL: What?! That's a lie! She's faking, I tell ya! What's she got to forget? She trapped me, didn't she? Wait. (BEAT, HAPPY) Hah! Won't stand up.


IRISH: What won't?


BILL: Goober! I can get it annulled. She married me under a fake name!


IRISH: Now, please, slow down. Before you go to court, try to remember something, will you?


BILL: How'd she manage it? (SHIVERS WITH DISTASTE) Oooh. (BEAT, IN PAIN) Oh, my head. Splitting. (REALIZES) That's it! She slugged me!


IRISH: (QUIETLY INCREDULOUS) Holy scalpels.


BILL: Sneaked up behind me and slugged me! She must have been desperate! When I get my hands on her, I'll--!


IRISH: Now, Goober, calm down. This is bad for you. (SOOTHING) All right, all right. 


BILL: Ah! Now I see it! She married me for my money.


IRISH: What money? Do you remember something?


BILL: No, but she must have! Why else do this?


IRISH: (TO HIMSELF) Oh, what's the use? (TO BILL) We'll trace you through your property. I'd better clear out of here now. This - this is a fine kettle of fish!


BILL: Well, what's the matter?


IRISH: Matter?! (GIVES UP) Uh, nothing. You - you rest and try to remember now. I'll be back. But if we don't clear this up quick, I have a feeling I'm going to need a doctor!


MUSIC: BRIDGE


SOUND: FOOTSTEPS OF MRS. CONWAY AND DR. BURNS DOWN HOSPITAL CORRIDOR ... THEN IN BG


MRS. CONWAY: Oh, it's so kind of you to show me the way to Dr. Stewart's office, Dr. Burns.


DR. BURNS: Oh, not at all. It was right on my way and, after all, I'm very interested in your daughter's case. I've heard the staff discussing it. Quite remarkable from a psychiatric point-of-view, you know.


MRS. CONWAY: Oh, you're a psychiatrist! Oh, how wonderful! You know, I've always wanted to consult a psychiatrist; to watch him work. And now I'll have the chance.


DR. BURNS: Oh, but it's not my case, Mrs. Conway; it's Dr. Stewart's. Of course, I've worked with him before and if he would want me to help out, I--


MRS. CONWAY: Oh, but I insist!


DR. BURNS: Oh, er, here we are.


SOUND: FOOTSTEPS OUT ... KNOCK ON DOOR


IRISH: (BEHIND DOOR) Come in.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS ... FOOTSTEPS IN


DR. BURNS: This is Mrs. Conway, Dr. Stewart. (TO MRS. CONWAY) Dr. Stewart will tell you the facts of the case, Mrs. Conway. (TO IRISH, DRYLY) I'll probably see you a little later.


IRISH: (BLANKLY) You'll what?


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES AS DR. BURNS EXITS


MRS. CONWAY: I asked Dr. Burns to consult with you on the case. (CHUCKLES) Well, you don't mind, do you, Dr. Stewart?


IRISH: Mind? (CHUCKLES, IRONIC) No, I'd like nothing better, Mrs. Conway. Uh, won't you sit down?


MRS. CONWAY: Has there been any change since you called me, doctor?


IRISH: No, not a bit. They're both still in a fog.


MRS. CONWAY: Goodness, I - I can't understand it. And they were so much in love and on their honeymoon. Oh, it was such a beautiful wedding.


IRISH: There's a good chance that seeing you will snap them out of it, Mrs. Conway. We'll go up as soon as they've come out of that sedative.


MRS. CONWAY: Well, in the meantime, doctor, now, I wonder if you would help me. You see, I've been having the strangest symptoms lately--


IRISH: (DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR IT; QUICKLY) On second thought, Mrs. Conway, it might be better if we woke them up. If they see you after a sudden awakening, it might do the trick.


MUSIC: BRIDGE


MRS. CONWAY: Carol darling? Don't you know me?


CAROL: Hm? I'm - I'm sorry, I-- (ABRUPTLY) Irish, who is she?


MRS. CONWAY: (STARTS TO WEEP QUIETLY, THEN IN BG)


IRISH: (ANNOYED) It's your mother, Carol -- that's who it is.


CAROL: That's my mother? (TO MRS. CONWAY) Oh, dear, I'm awfully sorry, but I don't remember. I - I just can't seem to--


MRS. CONWAY: (SOBS LOUDLY; QUIETS BEHIND--)


IRISH: Now, Mrs. Conway, please. Tears won't help. Yes, now that's better. Pull yourself together.


MRS. CONWAY: But she doesn't know me. My own baby; my Carol.


CAROL: Are you sure you're my mother?


MRS. CONWAY: Oh, yes, Carol! Look at me, dear. You used to call me "mummy cakes," remember?


IRISH: Yes, that's it. Now tell her things about the past.


MRS. CONWAY: Yes. Now - now, let me see--


IRISH: Now, Carol, please try hard to remember.


CAROL: Oh, well, I feel so helpless. I do try, honestly, but it's like-- It's like trying to see through a stone wall.


MRS. CONWAY: Now, remember Cape Cod, dear, and - and summers.


CAROL: Summers?


MRS. CONWAY: Er, yes. We always took that cottage at Point Independence.


CAROL: Mmmm.


MRS. CONWAY: Now, your room upstairs had the hard mattress.


CAROL: The hard one.


IRISH: (OVERLAPS WITH ABOVE, ENCOURAGING MRS. CONWAY) Yes.


MRS. CONWAY: You used to call it your bed and board all rolled into one.


IRISH: (ENCOURAGING MRS. CONWAY) Uh huh.


CAROL: Cape Cod. "Mommy cakes"? Bed and board.


MRS. CONWAY: Do you remember, darling, four summers ago, you met Bill on the beach? 


CAROL: I did?


MRS. CONWAY: Cora Sue Miller introduced him to us.


CAROL: She did?


MRS. CONWAY: And when he walked off, kind of looking back and smiling at you, you said to me, "Oh ho, I could marry a man like that if he asked me in a nice way." 


IRISH: (CHUCKLES)


CAROL: (CHUCKLES UNCERTAINLY)


MRS. CONWAY: Oh, dear, you were such a devil about Bill.


CAROL: Bill? Who's Bill?


IRISH: Your husband! Bill Goober.


CAROL: (WITH DISGUST) Goober! (SUSPICIOUS, UPSET, TO MRS. CONWAY) It's a lie! You're trying to fool me!


MRS. CONWAY: Oh, Carol, baby, I--


IRISH: (INCREASINGLY AGITATED) Carol, if you can't remember yourself, won't you take our word for it? This lady is your mother.


CAROL: Oh, no! No!


MRS. CONWAY: Oh, Carol--


IRISH: Please believe us. The man in the next room is your husband.


CAROL: (SKEPTICAL DISMISSAL) Ohhhh--


IRISH: And Mrs. Conway is your mother.


CAROL: Oh, it's not-- No!


IRISH: For heaven's sakes, why not?!


CAROL: Because! Because if she was really my mother and my name ever was Conway, I'd never have been crazy enough to change it to Gooooo-ber!


IRISH: And if I'd known I'd have a case like this, I'd never have been crazy enough to pass pre-med!


MRS. CONWAY: (SOBS IN DESPAIR)


MUSIC: CURTAIN / BRIDGE


IRISH: (QUIET, CALM) Pull yourself together, Mrs. Conway. We'll see what luck you have with Bill. He's in this room.


MRS. CONWAY: (DISTRESSED) Oh, dear, my poor children.


IRISH: Just open the door and go on in alone. The sudden sight of you might snap him back. Now go ahead, walk right in.


SOUND: MRS. CONWAY'S STEPS TO DOOR WHICH OPENS AND CLOSES ... HER STEPS TO BILL


MRS. CONWAY: Bill? Willie?


BILL: (WAKES) Hm? Why-- Who are you?


MRS. CONWAY: William -- darling -- don't you know me?


BILL: Know you? No. I never saw you before in my-- (REALIZES, UPSET) Oh! You're the one! "Darling," huh? Don't you "darling" me, you - you old woman!


MRS. CONWAY: Bill--!


BILL: I knew you'd turn out to look like this! Admit it now -- you tricked me! You tricked me into marrying you! I'd've been crazy, too, of my own free will! You're old enough to be my mother!


MRS. CONWAY: But, Bill darling, I'm not! I - I - 


BILL: Where's Dr. Stewart? He said you were a beauty! I notice you weren't badly hurt in the crash -- only me, the innocent party! What'd you hit me with -- a baseball bat?!


MRS. CONWAY: Bill, I'm not your wife! I--


BILL: Ah! You admit it! (CALLS) Doctor?! Stewart?! (TO MRS. CONWAY) That's more like it. If you're not married to me, what'd you go around telling everybody these crazy stories for? (CALLS) Doctor?! (TO MRS. CONWAY, MELODRAMATIC) Shame on you.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES ... IRISH'S STEPS IN


IRISH: (APPROACHES) What's all this yelling about?


BILL: It's a hoax, doc; she just admitted it. She's not my wife at all; ask her.


MRS. CONWAY: I haven't been able to get in a word.


BILL: Go ahead, tell him the truth!


IRISH: Ohhhh, no. How the devil did this get started? Of course she's not your wife. She's your mother-in-law.


BILL: Then what did she--? (DOUBLE TAKE) What?! Mother-in-law? I never laid eyes on her in my life.


MRS. CONWAY: (TEARFUL) Oh, my poor children, my poor children.


BILL: (CALMER, DAZED) I - I'm sorry, ma'am. Honest, I didn't realize-- I've been so mixed up that I just naturally thought you-- Well, I - I just can't remember. I'm sure I'm not married. All of a sudden I have a wife and a mother-in-law-- (WORRIED) Hey! Have I got any children?


IRISH: (EXASPERATED) You were married the day of the accident.


MRS. CONWAY: You were married in Boston, at my home; Reverend Siffling. Oh, you were both so happy.


BILL: (TO HIMSELF) There's gotta be a way out of this. If I concentrate--


IRISH: (ENCOURAGING) Yes, Bill. Now, try. Try as hard as you can.


BILL: (AN INSPIRATION) Wait. (TO MRS. CONWAY, SLYLY) Look. What's my name, ma'am?


MRS. CONWAY: (LOVINGLY) William.


IRISH: (FORESEES ANOTHER OUTBURST; QUICKLY) Come on, Mrs. Conway. Let's--


BILL: (INTENSE) William what?


IRISH: (URGENTLY) Mrs. Conway, I wouldn't--


MRS. CONWAY: (CHEERFUL) It's William Goober. Remember?


BILL: (SAVAGELY) That does it! Goober! (TO IRISH, UPSET) Doc, she's in on it, too! For herself, she picks a name like Conway! But it's Goober for me!


IRISH: (QUIETLY, TO HIMSELF) Here we go again.


MRS. CONWAY: (BURSTS INTO SOBS ... THEN WEEPS IN BG)


BILL: I'm not married and I'm not crazy and I'm not Goober, do you hear me?! Now get that woman out of here! I'm not Goober! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not Goober!


MUSIC: BRIDGE


DR. BURNS: Uh huh. So you're out here, hiding out on me.


IRISH: (ANGRY) Now, look here, Everett, I have enough trouble without having--


DR. BURNS: Two amnesias in one family. It's remarkable.


IRISH: You're getting in my way, Dr. Burns.


DR. BURNS: Now, you forget, Dr. Stewart, I came on this case at the express request of the patient's mother. So we might as well cooperate.


IRISH: Okay, master mind, I'll brief you. Neither of them recognized Mrs. Conway. They're each convinced the other one is faking. If they hear the name Goober, they throw a fit. If they see each other, there's liable to be a murder. And, to top it all, they're both fine kids.


DR. BURNS: Hmm. I've got an idea that might work. We'll try it on the girl first. 


IRISH: Even if it comes from you, I hope it works. I want to see some improvement there, and fast. I don't like the way she looks at me.


DR. BURNS: Mama or daughter?


IRISH: Mrs. Goober is my patient.


DR. BURNS: And Mrs. Conway wants to be. You've got to coach me in the proper bedside manner sometime, dear boy. 


IRISH: Let's stick to the facts of the case.


DR. BURNS: Now, wait a minute. Maybe we can kind of play along with them. Here's what we'll tell them--


MUSIC: BRIDGE


IRISH: Carol, this is Dr. Everett Burns. He's a psych-- Uh, we've learned some interesting facts about your case.


CAROL: How do you do, doctor? I'm afraid I'm a very muddled patient.


DR. BURNS: Well, young lady, we've learned something that may interest you.


CAROL: Oh?


DR. BURNS: The truth is, we've found that you're not married at all.


IRISH: No.


DR. BURNS: And your real name is Mary Allen.


CAROL: What?! 


DR. BURNS: Mm hm.


CAROL: Not married?


DR. BURNS: No.


CAROL: Um, Mary Allen? Well, that doesn't sound right either.


IRISH: Believe us, Carol, your name is Mary.


CAROL: Well, I don't understand. How could you--?


DR. BURNS: A terrible, vicious mistake, Miss, er, Allen. The man in the next room is suffering from--


IRISH: "Dementia hysteresis" we call it.


DR. BURNS: Er, yes. His whole story was fiction.


CAROL: Oh, I see. And the woman who said she was my mother?


IRISH: Nearsighted! She phoned this morning to say the real Goobers are honeymooning in Florida.


CAROL: Ohhh. Well, thank goodness, that's cleared up. 


DR. BURNS: (CHUCKLES) Now, all you have to do is rest and get well. With this silly problem gone, you'll be remembering in no time.


CAROL: (CONSIDERS) "Mary Allen." It's a nice name, hm?


DR. BURNS: Oh, yes.


CAROL: What else about me?


DR. BURNS: Well, that's all for today. We'll tell you more tomorrow.


CAROL: Oh, thank you, Dr. Burns. You've made me happier than I can tell.


DR. BURNS: Oh, that's quite all right, my dear. (SOUND: HIS FOOTSTEPS AWAY) Er, coming, Dr. Stewart?


IRISH: Certainly.


CAROL: (NOT EAGER TO SEE HIM LEAVE) Uh, Irish--? (AMOROUS) Uh, stay another minute, will you?


IRISH: (RELUCTANT) Well, I--


DR. BURNS: (OFF) Go ahead, Dr. Stewart. I'll wait in the corridor.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS AS DR. BURNS EXITS


IRISH: (BEAT) Well, Miss Allen?


CAROL: (FLIRTATIOUS) Call me Mary. You used to call me Carol.


IRISH: Well-- Mary, then.


CAROL: Irish, I'm awfully happy now; you know why?


IRISH: Of course. Now you know your real name.


CAROL: That, too, but - really because I'm not married, Irish.


IRISH: (DOESN'T LIKE WHERE THIS IS LEADING) Oh, of course.


CAROL: (MIMICS HIM) Oh, of course. (QUIETLY SEDUCTIVE) You're very formal with me, Dr. Irish Stewart.


IRISH: (AWKWARD) Really, Carol-- Uh, Mary-- Dr. Burns is waiting. I--


CAROL: You know, I looked in the mirror today. I'm really a kind of pretty girl.


IRISH: Of course you are, Ca-- Uh, Mary.


CAROL: Now we both know I'm not married.


IRISH: (FLUSTERED) We know no such-- I mean, you'll, uh-- You'll have to avoid decisions of things -- until you remember.


CAROL: I see you're gonna make me say it all, Irish. (LIGHTLY) You're a coward. I know you like me. (WITH A CHUCKLE) I can tell.


IRISH: That has nothing to do with anything! You - you relax. And behave yourself. And - and stop being so darned sweet and - and pretty all at once. It's-- (EXHALES) Goodbye.


SOUND: IRISH'S STEPS TO DOOR WHICH OPENS


CAROL: (MERRILY) I'll be waiting, Irish. 


SOUND: DOOR SLAMS SHUT


DR. BURNS: Say, what happened to you?


IRISH: You and your bright ideas. Now that she thinks she's single, Carol thinks she wants me. Another minute and she'd have--


DR. BURNS: What happened? I mean, what did you do?


IRISH: Do? What could I do? I retreated.


DR. BURNS: Oh, but, look here -- that was wrong. All wrong.


IRISH: Wrong? I tell you, another minute and I'd have been the third corner of a triangle.


DR. BURNS: Now, look -- when she comes out of this she won't even remember you. The important thing is to make her happy. Set her mind at ease. It's the only way to bring on a cure.


IRISH: Are you suggesting--?


DR. BURNS: Certainly. Now, go back in there and tell her-- Oh, tell her whatever druery she wants to hear.


IRISH: But I can't!


DR. BURNS: Unorthodox cases often require unorthodox treatment. It's the only way. You want to get rid of her, don't you?


IRISH: Well-- (BEAT, GIVES IN) Okay.


SOUND: IRISH'S SLOW RELUCTANT FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR WHICH OPENS ... IRISH'S STEPS INTO ROOM


CAROL: (PLEASED TO SEE HIM) Oh!


SOUND: DOOR SHUTS


CAROL: (LOVINGLY) Irish -- you came back.


IRISH: (COOL) Obviously.


CAROL: Come closer, Irish.


IRISH: Now, don't excite yourself, Ca-- Uh, Mary.


CAROL: You come right over and kiss me, Irish, or I'll jump out of bed and kiss you.


IRISH: Don't you dare!


CAROL: Why'd you come back?


IRISH: (FLUSTERED) Because you're-- Because you-- You're shameless, that's why. I couldn't-- That is-- Well, you're - you're so--


CAROL: Sit here, Irish.


IRISH: No! No.


CAROL: Come on. Kiss me, you fraidy cat. My heart's going like sixty. What else would you prescribe, doctor?


IRISH: I'm darned if I know. This never came up in medical school. I - I'd better get out of here.


CAROL: No. You stay right here. If you leave, I'll - chase you in my bare feet.


SOUND: CAROL CLIMBS OUT OF BED


IRISH: Now you stay right in bed.


CAROL: I warned you! 


SOUND: CAROL'S QUICK STEPS -- BARE FEET -- TO IRISH ... SHE CORNERS HIM


IRISH: Carol! Get right back into bed! 


CAROL: Now -- you big white-coated baby, you kiss me--


IRISH: (RESISTS, WEAKLY) No, no--


CAROL: --or I'll mow ya down. I will. (PAUSE AS THEY KISS, EXHALES LOVINGLY)


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


DR. BURNS: (OFF) Well, Dr. Stewart?


IRISH: (WON OVER BY THE KISS, MURMURS APPRECIATIVELY)


CAROL: (SIGHS LOVINGLY, THEN QUIETLY) Darling! My darling Bill!


IRISH: Oh, Carol, I-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Who?! Did you say Bill?!


DR. BURNS: (SCANDALIZED, OFF) Dr. Stewart!


CAROL: (BIG GASP, ASTONISHED) You're not my Bill! (ANGRY) How dare you kiss me?


SOUND: SMACK! CAROL SLAPS IRISH IN THE FACE


IRISH: (IN PAIN) Ow! (INSTANTLY PLEASED) Why, you remember! You remember!


CAROL: (BRIEFLY CONFUSED) Remember what? (ANGRY AGAIN) Don't you dare touch me! Where is my husband? What have you done with my husband?


DR. BURNS: (APPROACHES, TO CAROL) I consider what he's done highly unethical and unprofessional. (TO IRISH) Really, Dr. Stewart! Making love to this woman! And her husband right in the next room.


IRISH: You keep out of this!


DR. BURNS: Well, this time, I've got you right behind the eight ball, Dr. Stewart! I'm sure the board will be interested in a full report--


IRISH: Oh, go hide.


SOUND: CAROL'S QUICK STEPS -- BARE FEET -- OUT OF THE ROOM


IRISH: (FADES SLIGHTLY OFF) Carol! Carol, where are you going?! Come back here!


CAROL: You just try and stop me!


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


IRISH: (OFF) Carol, don't go in there! He may get violent! 


DR. BURNS: (OFF) Stop!


CAROL: (CALLS GENTLY) Bill? Bill? (SEES BILL, LOVINGLY) Bill-- (INHALES, WARM AND SYMPATHETIC) My Bill. You're hurt.


BILL: (MILDLY ANNOYED) Who the heck are you?


CAROL: Bill Goober, don't you dare not know me.


BILL: (WITH SAVAGE HATRED) Goober! So you're the one!


SOUND: BILL GRABS PILLOW AND WATER TUMBLER BEHIND--


CAROL: Oh, put down that pillow, William Goober.


IRISH: (OFF) Bill, let go of that water tumbler!


BILL: (WITH EFFORT, AS CAROL EMBRACES HIM) What--?


CAROL: (AFFECTIONATELY) Put those things down, silly. It's me. It's Carol.


BILL: You vampire, you! I'll show you--! (AS CAROL JUMPS IN HIS LAP) Oof!


CAROL: Oh-- (CHUCKLES)


BILL: Doc, get her off me!


DR. BURNS: (OFF) It's terrible. Separate them, Dr. Stewart!


CAROL: Kiss me, Bill. It's Carol, honey. Give me a kiss.


BILL: Let go of me. Help!  


SOUND: CRASH! AS WATER TUMBLER SHATTERS ON FLOOR


CAROL: Clumsy; you dropped the pitcher. (INSISTS) Bill, will you kiss me?


BILL: Will you please--? (CUT OFF IN MID-WORD AS CAROL KISSES HIM)


CAROL: (LONG PAUSE ... THEN MURMURS LOVINGLY)


BILL: (WON OVER BY THE KISS, MURMURS APPRECIATIVELY)


CAROL: (SIGHS LOVINGLY, THEN QUIETLY) Oh, Bill-- Darling--


BILL: Carol-- Carol, baby-- What happened?


IRISH: (OFF) Dr. Burns, he remembers her! They both remember!


DR. BURNS: (OFF) Amazing!


CAROL: (INDIGNANT) Really! Haven't you two doctors any other patients to see?


IRISH: (SURPRISED, AWKWARD) Oh. Yes. Sure.


BILL: That's right. Mrs. Goober and I would-- (BEAT, SAVORS THE NAME) Ah, "Mrs. Goober--"


CAROL: (ALSO LIKES THE SOUND OF IT) Ohhh, "Mrs. Bill Goober." It's a wonderful name.


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES


IRISH: (TO DR. BURNS, THREATENING) Well, that's that. Now for some unfinished business. You've been getting in my way, my friend, and now I've got you alone in a nice empty room. I think I'll remove you from practice for a few weeks!


DR. BURNS: Now wait a minute--


IRISH: Your patients are going to miss you due to a regrettable but unavoidable accident!


DR. BURNS: Now, Irish, don't get your Irish up. I mean--


SOUND: DR. BURNS' HURRIED FOOTSTEPS AWAY


IRISH: Come back and stand your ground!


SOUND: DR. BURNS RUNS INTO DOOR AS MRS. CONWAY OPENS IT


DR. BURNS: (IN PAIN) Oof! (TO MRS. CONWAY, LOW) Excuse me. I've got to run; emergency call.


SOUND: DR. BURNS' HURRIED FOOTSTEPS OFF


MRS. CONWAY: Oh, how exciting! Irish, my dear boy, you know, I've just seen the children -- and they owe it all to you. And, er, now that you've done so well for them, I - I wonder if-- (CHUCKLES) Well, you see, I have these symptoms--


MUSIC: TOPS SCENE FOR TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND IRISH--


IRISH: (NARRATES) It's just like I said. Everything happens to me. See what I mean? No sooner did I get the newlyweds together again -- and contented with the name of Goober -- than I had mama and her symptoms. My only consolation was that I persuaded her to take her problem to a specialist -- one Dr. Everett Burns. All of which should keep him out of my hair for a while at least.


MUSIC: UP, FOR CURTAIN ...

Comments