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Oh, Say Can You See

The First Nighter Program

Oh, Say Can You See

Oct 11 1944



CAST:

ANNOUNCER

MR. FIRST NIGHTER

VOICE / 2ND ANNCR

TICKET TAKER (1 line)

USHER

YOUNG LADY


FRED SLADE, young scientist

MUGGLES, his assistant

GEORGIA BAKER, Fred's loyal love

AIDE (1 line)

FAIRVIEW, bureaucrat with cartoonish voice

BURNSIDE, self-important U. S. Senator

PIG, who grunts and squeals (3 lines)

PRESIDENT, of the Senate (1 line)

REPORTER (1 line)

NEWSIE (2 lines)

and some CROWDS




ANNOUNCER: ... a new radio program sponsored by Campana, "Grand Hotel" -- listen for it, listen to it -- coming soon!


MUSIC: THEME ... THEN IN BG


MR. FIRST NIGHTER: "The First Nighter Program," a copyrighted feature coast-to-coast over two hundred fourteen stations, presented by Campana, the makers of Solitair, the new cake make-up, and Campana Cream Balm, the new hand lotion containing lanolin.


MUSIC: UP AND OUT


MR. FIRST NIGHTER: It's theater time on the Great White Way and tonight there'll be a fashion parade of first nighters heading for the premiere at the Little Theatre off Times Square. Yes, top hats and tails -- mink coats and sable -- will mingle in the theater foyer as the newsreel cameras photograph the celebrities who always turn out for an opening on Broadway. Let's not miss a minute of the excitement. 


SOUND: BUSY CITY TRAFFIC BACKGROUND (HORNS HONKING, MURMURING CROWD, ET CETERA) ... MR. FIRST NIGHTER WALKS THROUGH CROWDED STREET TO BOX OFFICE BEHIND--


MR. FIRST NIGHTER: It's just a short stroll. Shall we [cut?] (PAUSE) Up Broadway, across Forty-Second Street, and there ahead -- at the hub of Theaterland -- is the Little Theatre! (PAUSE) Well, here we are.


VOICE: (TO THEATERGOERS) Have your tickets ready, please! Remember, "Grand Hotel" is coming soon, the new radio program! Have your tickets ready, please! 


TICKET TAKER: Good evening, Mr. First Nighter. The usher will show you to your box.


MR. FIRST NIGHTER: Thank you; we'll go right in.


SOUND: CITY TRAFFIC BACKGROUND CROSSFADES WITH--


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS A BRISK, CHEERFUL TUNE ... THEN IN BG


MR. FIRST NIGHTER: All right, ladies and gentlemen, I think we've just time for a quick glance at tonight's program. The title of this evening's play is "Oh, Say Can You See," written by Anthony Wayne, and I understand that it's not only an hilarious farce, but that it's especially entertaining because of its timeliness. In the star part is Barbara Luddy, First Nighter's versatile and talented leading lady. Playing opposite Miss Luddy is her guest leading man, Olan Soulé. In support of this famous pair is an all-star cast. The play, by the way, is pure fiction and does not refer to real people or to actual events. And now, before first curtain, let's listen to the famous First Nighter Theatre Orchestra.


MUSIC: UP, TO FILL A PAUSE ... THEN IN BG


SOUND: BUZZ! BUZZ! OF SIGNAL BUZZER ... THEN BEHIND--


USHER: Curtain! First curtain!


SOUND: ONE LAST BUZZ


MR. FIRST NIGHTER: There's the signal for first curtain. The house lights are out, and here's the play.


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA FINISHES 


FRED: Muggles?! (NO ANSWER) Hey, Muggles?! (NO ANSWER, TO HIMSELF) Where is that guy?


SOUND: DOOR OPENS TO REVEAL--


MUSIC: A SWING RECORD ON THE PHONOGRAPH ... A VERSION OF 1944's "IS YOU IS OR IS YOU AIN'T MY BABY" ... IN BG


FRED: Hey! Muggles!


MUGGLES: You want me, Doc?


FRED: Of course. What are you doing?


MUGGLES: I'm listenin' to a swing record and, boy, is it hot!


FRED: Yeah, well, never mind that. Are you gonna help me test my radium ion machine tonight?


MUGGLES: Oh, sure thing, Doc. You know, I can't listen to any o' that swing music without I just dance all over.


FRED: Oh, is that so?


MUGGLES: Yeah, I'm an icky, for sure. Heh!


FRED: Well, come on now; move this furniture out of the way.


MUGGLES: All right. 


SOUND: MOVING FURNITURE, IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--


MUSIC: THE SWING RECORD ENDS OR FADES OUT DURING FOLLOWING--


MUGGLES: Are you an icky, Doc?


FRED: I don't know, but I know I don't dance all over.


MUGGLES: Oh, sure. I oughta known. You're a jitterbug.


FRED: I-- What'd you call me?


MUGGLES: Oh, don't get me wrong, Doc. No offensive meant. It's - it's a kind of endearin' term. Jitterbugs is swing saps without scat-and-go, see?


FRED: Yeah, yeah, I get it. Now, look, I want that chair placed directly in line with the lens.


MUGGLES: Yeah, okay, okay. You think it's gonna work, Doc?


FRED: Well, I hope so. This'll be an improvement on the X-ray and the fluoroscope. Now, I'm going to get behind the machine and look -- and you move that chair as I direct you.


MUGGLES: Oh, all right.


FRED: Now, let's see, um-- Move it a little bit to the right, Muggles.


MUGGLES: A little to the right?


FRED: Mm hm.


MUGGLES: How's this?


FRED: Whoa, whoa, that's it!


MUGGLES: (SINGS, TO HIMSELF) "Is you is or is you ain't my baby? The way you're actin' lately makes me doubt. Oh, is you--?"


FRED: (OVERLAPS WITH ABOVE) Now, a little forward. (BEAT) Yeah! Right - right there. Fine! It's focused perfectly.


MUGGLES: Say, Doc, you'll really be in the dough if this machine will show up all the veins and muscles and liniments in the body, huh?


FRED: Well, I hope so. Georgia's been awfully patient with me.


MUGGLES: Yeah, she's a good dame, all right.


FRED: Well, I think everything's ready now to try it out, Muggles. I'll just try the electricity once; see if it's connected.


SOUND: BUZZ! OF ELECTRICITY ... THEN BEHIND--


MUGGLES: (SINGS, TO HIMSELF) "Is you is or is you ain't my baby?" (SNAPS FINGERS IN RHYTHM)


FRED: (DISTRACTED) Huh? What'd you say, Muggles?


MUGGLES: (SINGS, TO HIMSELF) "The way you're actin' lately makes me--" (STOPS SHORT) Oh-- (CHUCKLES SELF-CONSCIOUSLY) I was just kind o' swingin' with the current. 


FRED: Oh. Well, I think we're about ready to--


SOUND: DOORBELL RINGS


MUGGLES: Hey, there's the doorbell. You suppose you got a patient?


FRED: No, no -- that's Georgia; I'll let her in.


MUGGLES: Oh.


SOUND: FRED MOVES TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS ... GEORGIA'S STEPS IN BEHIND--


MUGGLES: (SNAPS FINGERS AND TAPS FEET IN RHYTHM AS HE SINGS, TO HIMSELF) "Is you is or is you ain't my baby? The way you're actin' lately--"


GEORGIA: (CHUCKLES) Well, Muggles, you're certainly going to town there.


MUGGLES: Me? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Few minutes and I'd o' thrown myself right out the window. (CHUCKLES) 


GEORGIA: Well, this is the big test, isn't it, Freddy?


FRED: Yes, and if it doesn't work now, Georgia, you'd better forget me.


GEORGIA: Don't be silly. It is going to work. It's greater than the X-ray machine. It'll mean so much to the world.


MUGGLES: That's right, Miss Georgia. I'm always tellin' the doc, "Don't be a pessimist. Be an optometrist!"


GEORGIA: (CHUCKLES) 


FRED: (CHUCKLES) All right, Muggles, I'll try.


GEORGIA: Well, let's start. The suspense is killing me.


FRED: Okay. Get in the chair, Muggles.


MUGGLES: Okay. (GETS IN CHAIR) Here I am.


FRED: Hold still, now. Don't move a muscle.


MUGGLES: Hm. Can I even wiggle my toe?


FRED: No!


MUGGLES: Mm.


FRED: All right. Here we go.


SOUND: BZZZT! ... LENGTHY NOISY BUZZ OF ELECTRICITY ... THEN OUT


GEORGIA: (WORRIED) Freddy, you turned it off. You don't mean it--?


FRED: (DISHEARTENED) Oh, I'm a failure. It's a complete washout.


GEORGIA: (SYMPATHETIC) Oh, no, Freddy.


MUGGLES: Couldn't you even see the cords in my neck, Doc?


FRED: No, it was just a blank. I couldn't see a single thing.


GEORGIA: (SADLY) Oh, dear.


FRED: And I thought sure I-- Hey. Wait a minute.


GEORGIA: What's the matter?


FRED: This lever. That's what was the matter.


GEORGIA: You mean it should be up?


FRED: Well, sure. That exposes the radium rays. No wonder it didn't work. 


GEORGIA: Oh, try it again quick, Freddy.


FRED: Yeah, sure. Now, hold still, Muggles. Don't move.


MUGGLES: Okay, okay.


SOUND: BZZZT! ... LENGTHY NOISY BUZZ OF ELECTRICITY ... THEN OUT


FRED: (DISAPPOINTED) Hmmm.


GEORGIA: How 'bout it, Freddy?


FRED: No, it's still the same.


GEORGIA: Oh, something must be wrong, Freddy.


FRED: Sure -- the whole thing's wrong! It was just a cockeyed idea!


GEORGIA: No, it isn't!


FRED: I can't perfect it, Georgia. You might as well forget me. We'll never be able to get married.


GEORGIA: Now, listen here. I have faith in you, Freddy, and if I have to wait for you the rest of my life, that's okay with me.


FRED: (EXHALES, WARMLY) Georgia, you're the real thing. (BEAT) Hey. Where'd Muggles go?


GEORGIA: No place. He's still-- (STOPS SHORT) Oh, no, he isn't.


MUGGLES: Why, I'm still here.


GEORGIA: (STARTLED) Who--? Who said that?


FRED: That was Muggles.


MUGGLES: Well, of course it was.


FRED: Oh, but he-- Hey, where are you, Muggles?


MUGGLES: Where--? Why, I'm right in this chair! The only muscle I'm movin' is my tongue. ...


GEORGIA: But he isn't there. Freddy, you can see there's no one in the chair.


FRED: Of course. Now, listen, Muggles, quit the horseplay and stop hiding.


MUGGLES: Hiding?! Now, listen, Doc, you're hurtin' my feelings. Here I am, parked right in here in this chair, and you deny my very subsistence. ...


GEORGIA: Freddy, there's something strange about this.


FRED: Yes, I'll say there is. (BEAT) Er, listen, Muggles. Do you see Miss Georgia and me standing here?


MUGGLES: Of course. 


FRED: Well, what am I doing now?


MUGGLES: Scratchin' your left ear.


FRED: (LOW) He's in this room, Georgia.


GEORGIA: (LOW) But why can't we see him?


FRED: (UP) Er, Muggles--?


MUGGLES: Yes?


FRED: Get out of the chair and walk over here and slap me on the back.


SOUND: MUGGLES RISES ... HIS STEPS TO FRED BEHIND--


GEORGIA: (NERVOUS) I hear footsteps.


MUGGLES: (PUZZLED) Look, Doc, I don't get this. You want I should give you a love tap, or should I slaw you?


FRED: I want to feel it.


MUGGLES: Okay. You asked for it.


SOUND: MUGGLES SLAPS FRED ON BACK -- HARD!


FRED: (COUGHS TWICE, EXCITED) Georgia, there's no doubt about it.


GEORGIA: I - I'm scared.


FRED: Muggles? Pick up that book on the table and give it to Miss Georgia.


MUGGLES: Sure thing.


GEORGIA: (STARTLED EXCLAMATION) Freddy, look! That - that book is floating through space!


FRED: Yeah.


MUGGLES: Here ya are, Miss Georgia.


GEORGIA: (NERVOUS EXCLAMATIONS) It's dangling right here in front of me!


FRED: Now, don't - don't be frightened, Georgia. Do you know what's happened?


GEORGIA: I know Roget's Thesaurus is perched out there in midair.


FRED: Georgia, Muggles is invisible.


MUGGLES: Why, sure-- (DOUBLE TAKE) I'm what?! ...


GEORGIA: Freddy! You mean he's dead?


FRED: No, no, no. There's something in the combination of that radium ion machine that's made him invisible.


GEORGIA: But I never heard of such a thing.


FRED: No, and neither has anyone else. Georgia, don't you see? I've stumbled onto something that's bigger than we ever dreamed of -- a machine to make men invisible!


MUGGLES: Invisible?! Hey, listen, this is very embarrassing. What's my girl gonna think of me this way? ...


GEORGIA: Oh, Freddy, this is weird. It - it's just unnatural; it frightens me.


FRED: Yeah, but think of it, Georgia! Why, I could rule the world with this machine. That's it! An invisible army. Think what it'd mean in the war. The enemy'd be terrified; they wouldn't know what to shoot at.


MUGGLES: Well, I know what you can shoot at, Doc. You get me back in my flesh for my date tomorrow night!


FRED: Georgia, we're going to Washington! I'm going to offer this to the government. It's my duty as an American!


MUSIC: FIRST ACT CURTAIN


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MR. FIRST NIGHTER: And the curtain comes down on the first act of tonight's play in the Little Theatre off Times Square!


USHER: Smoking in the outer lobby or downstairs, please!


MR. FIRST NIGHTER: Our announcer is talking with a young lady who looks very worried. Let's listen.


YOUNG LADY: And I tell you, it all adds up that I have the world's worst complexion.


ANNOUNCER: Uh huh, a perfect case for Solitair Cake Make-up! I'll show you. Let's take your complexion faults one at a time.


YOUNG LADY: All right. My complexion is sallow and rough.


ANNOUNCER: Oh, that's simple for Solitair. Sponge on Solitair with its rich lanolin content and in a minute you have the kind of creamy smooth honey-colored complexion you've always wanted. And remember -- Solitair lasts for hours without retouching.


YOUNG LADY: How 'bout the little lines around my eyes? And these blemishes?


ANNOUNCER: With Solitair, they become your secret.


YOUNG LADY: Say! This is interesting. But won't I look made-up?


ANNOUNCER: Why, my dear young lady, don't you know that Solitair is the cake make-up that looks naturally lovely, even in bright sunlight?


YOUNG LADY: Hmm, I'm getting encouraged. Oh, uh, don't forget I have a dry skin. What about that?


ANNOUNCER: Ever heard of lanolin?


YOUNG LADY: Well, of course. My favorite night cream has lanolin in it.


ANNOUNCER: Well, Solitair is a special blend of fine wind-blown face powder and pure rich lanolin. See why Solitair is the cake make-up that's good for your skin?


YOUNG LADY: Why, Mr. Announcer, Solitair has solved all of my complexion problems. Believe me, Solitair goes first on tomorrow's shopping list.


ANNOUNCER: Yes, Solitair solves many make-up problems; brings exquisite new beauty to any woman. If you've always wanted the creamy smoothness of a cake make-up, but have hesitated because it might be drying, or might cake and look unnatural, try Solitair. It's the lanolin-rich cake make-up that's good for your skin, that looks naturally lovely always. Only sixty cents for a large compact. Only twenty-five cents for a handy purse size.


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS A MELLOW INTERLUDE ... THEN IN BG


SOUND: BUZZ! OF SIGNAL BUZZER


USHER: Curtain! Second curtain! Coming soon, Barbara Luddy and Olan Soulé in Campana's "Grand Hotel"!


MR. FIRST NIGHTER: The first nighters are hurrying down the aisles to their seats. Lights are dimmed, and here's the second act of "Oh, Say Can You See."


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA FINISHES 


SOUND: TYPEWRITER ... INTERCOM BUZZES ... TYPEWRITER OUT


AIDE: Mr. Fairview will see you now, Doctor, uh--?


FRED: (A LITTLE NERVOUS) Er, Slade. Thank you. Come on, Georgia; Muggles.


GEORGIA: Are you sure you want me along?


FRED: Absolutely. I need moral support.


MUGGLES: Er, what about me, Doc?


FRED: Well, I think you're the immoral support. Come on.


SOUND: OFFICE DOOR OPENS


FRED: Mr. Fairview?


FAIRVIEW: Yes. And you're, uh, Dr. Slade?


FRED: Yes.


SOUND: OFFICE DOOR CLOSES


FRED: This is my assistant, Miss Baker.


FAIRVIEW: Oh, how do you do?


GEORGIA: How do you do?


MUGGLES: And me, I'm Muggles.


FAIRVIEW: What was that?


FRED: Er-- ... Well, that's, er-- That's what I came to talk to you about.


FAIRVIEW: But I heard a queer-sounding voice say something.


MUGGLES: It may be mice.


FAIRVIEW: There it is again! ...


FRED: (LOW) Muggles, will you shut up?


MUGGLES: (LOW) Okay, but if he thinks my voice is queer, you ought to put his in front of a mirror! ...


FAIRVIEW: (ALARMED) Dr. Slade, what's going on here?!


FRED: That's what I wanted to explain.


FAIRVIEW: (A WARNING) Well, let me tell you, I represent a man who represents a man in the War Department, and if you try anything, one touch of this bell will bring a detachment of WACs. ...


GEORGIA: Please don't be concerned, Mr. Fairview. Dr. Slade has an invention that will revolutionize modern warfare.


FAIRVIEW: (DISMISSIVE) Oh, yes, yes, yes; I know. So has everyone else that comes in here.


FRED: But it's a fact!


FAIRVIEW: (SKEPTICAL, QUICKLY) Well, come, come. What is it? What is it? What is it?


FRED: It's - it's a radium ion machine that'll make human beings invisible.


FAIRVIEW: Yes, it's just like everything-- (DOUBLE TAKE) What did you say?!


FRED: I can do it. I can make men invisible.


FAIRVIEW: (TO GEORGIA) Miss Baker, is this man in his right mind?


GEORGIA: Every word he says is true. I've seen him do it.


MUGGLES: If you don't believe it, look at me.


FAIRVIEW: (UNNERVED) That voice-- That awful voice!


FRED: Well, let me explain. The voice you hear is that of my assistant. He's alive and standing right here in this room.


MUGGLES: And in my underwear, if you wanna know the truth. ...


FAIRVIEW: What?!


MUGGLES: Heh! Well, as long as I'm invisible, why suffer with the heat? ...


FAIRVIEW: Now, listen here. My - my nerves can't stand this any longer.


FRED: But I want to offer my invention to the War Department.


FAIRVIEW: Your invention?! I think you're a crackpot.


GEORGIA: How dare you? He's a genius.


FAIRVIEW: Genius? Bah! He's-- The man's a ventriloquist.


FRED: Ventriloquist?


MUGGLES: (OFFENDED, TO FAIRVIEW) Oh, what you said! (TO FRED) Are you gonna let him call you that, Doc?


GEORGIA: (TO FAIRVIEW) But you don't understand--


FAIRVIEW: I understand, all right. I understand you're a pair of charlatans; mountebanks! Now - now, get out, get out, get out!


FRED: But you've got to let me show you my invention!


FAIRVIEW: Get out, I say, or I'll call a detachment of - of something.


MUGGLES: Say, are you an icky or a jitterbug?


FAIRVIEW: Now, don't you tempt me! Get out, I said; get out!


MUGGLES: Awww, go on. I'll bet you're an anthetic dancer.


MUSIC: BRIDGE


GEORGIA: Freddy, do you really think Dr. Burnside will come here tonight?


FRED: The senator? Sure, he's up for re-election in the fall. He'd balance turnips on his nose for two votes.


GEORGIA: But it's six-thirty now.


FRED: Well, he promised he'd be here. Now, don't give up.


GEORGIA: He swings a lot of influence in Washington.


MUGGLES: He swings, huh? What's the name of his band?


FRED: Now, listen, Muggles-- Hey, Muggles, where are you?


MUGGLES: I'm sittin' in this chair.


FRED: Yeah, well, keep your mouth shut tight. 


MUGGLES: (RELUCTANT AGREEMENT) Eh--


FRED: We've got to have Senator Burnside's support if we're gonna sell this.


SOUND: DOORBELL RINGS


GEORGIA: There he is now.


FRED: Yeah, yeah. Well, you wait here; I'll let him in.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS, OFF, AS FRED EXITS


MUGGLES: Aw, jeepers, my gal is sure sore at me, Miss Georgia.


GEORGIA: (SYMPATHETIC) I'm sorry, Muggles.


MUGGLES: She says I'm like a sirloin steak. She hears about me, but she never sees me. ...


FRED: (APPROACHES, TO BURNSIDE) Well, Senator, I'm certainly glad you were able to come.


BURNSIDE: Mm, yes.


GEORGIA: (OVERLAPS WITH ABOVE EXCHANGE, TO MUGGLES) Ssh! Here they come now.


FRED: Uh, Senator Burnside, this is my assistant, Miss Baker.


BURNSIDE: How do you do? How do you do?


GEORGIA: How do you do?


FRED: Er, now, if you'll just have this chair, Senator.


BURNSIDE: Yes, of course. (STARTS TO SIT) Now, you understand, I'm in a very-- (STARTLED EXCLAMATIONS) ... What--? What was that?


GEORGIA: What was what?


BURNSIDE: Somebody in that chair shoved me right out.


MUGGLES: (CHUCKLE SELF-CONSCIOUSLY) Sorry, folks; it was me.


BURNSIDE: What?


FRED: (NERVOUSLY) It's nothing, Senator, really. I'll explain in just a moment.


BURNSIDE: Yes. Well, you must hurry. Due for dinner at the Russian Embassy.


FRED: Well, you'll remember I told you in your office the other day how I happened onto this discovery.


BURNSIDE: Yes, yes, of course.


FRED: Well, there's the machine.


BURNSIDE: (BEAT, AMUSED) You'd have me believe that that contraption renders men invisible?


GEORGIA: It does, Senator.


FRED: I can prove it to you.


BURNSIDE: Well, go ahead, go ahead. That's what I'm here for.


FRED: Do you remember my telling you about my assistant Muggles?


BURNSIDE: Yes, yes.


FRED: All right. He's here in this room -- standing right beside you.


BURNSIDE: Eh? Where?


FRED: Now, listen. Muggles, I want you to take the senator's hat and cane, and put them over on that table.


MUGGLES: Sure thing, Doc. (SNATCHES ITEMS, WITH A SLIGHT EFFORT) I'll just take those.


BURNSIDE: (BIG STARTLED EXCLAMATIONS) My hat! My cane! My word, they're floating across the room!


FRED: (QUIET TRIUMPH) Right to the table.


BURNSIDE: Now, see here. What - what sort of chicanery is this?!


FRED: Senator, there's an invisible man here in this room with us. He took your things.


BURNSIDE: I don't believe you. This is trickery.


FRED: Very well. You sit in front of the machine and I'll make you invisible.


BURNSIDE: Oh, you'll do no such thing.


FRED: All right, then. I'll give you a demonstration. Er, Georgia, bring in that pig, will ya?


GEORGIA: Yes.


FRED: I'll get the machine ready. (BEAT) You know, Senator, two foreign governments have approached me for this invention already.


BURNSIDE: Yes? With money we loaned them, I'll bet. ... But if all you say is true, I'll help you -- even though the War Department's turned you down. But I must have proof.


GEORGIA: (APPROACHES) Mmm, here's the pig, Freddy.


PIG: (GRUNTS, CONTINUES BEHIND--)


FRED: Here. Fine. Now, Senator, satisfy yourself that this is a real live pig.


PIG: (GRUNTS NOISILY)


BURNSIDE: Yes, I can see that.


FRED: All right, he's on the table. I'll turn on the electricity--


SOUND: BUZZ! OF ELECTRICITY ... THEN BEHIND--


FRED: --pull the lever -- and look!


SOUND: ELECTRICITY STOPS


BURNSIDE: The pig's gone!


FRED: Not gone. It's invisible. Listen, I'll poke it.


PIG: (SQUEALS LOUDLY! AND AT LENGTH!) ...


BURNSIDE: Why, that's unbelievable! It's astounding! It's phenomenal!


MUGGLES: No, it's invisible. ...


BURNSIDE: And, Doctor, you - you say that this will render a human being the same way?


FRED: There's no doubt of it.


BURNSIDE: (QUIETLY CONVINCED) What a terrifying weapon. That'd win the war overnight. Why, man, no one would believe this unless he saw it with his own eyes.


GEORGIA: Well, that's been the trouble. No one would let him demonstrate it.


BURNSIDE: It shall create a sensation. It shall be in every newspaper in the country. Listen, this is important enough for me to do something that's never been done before in history.


FRED: Yes? What's that?


BURNSIDE: I'll call for volunteers -- and arrange for a demonstration on the floor of the Senate!


MUSIC: BRIDGE


SOUND: MURMUR OF CROWD ... GAVEL BANGS SEVERAL TIMES .. CROWD QUIETS


PRESIDENT: (TO ALL) Senator Burnside has the floor.


BURNSIDE: (CLEARS THROAT; A POMPOUS, MANNERED SPEECH, FULL OF WEIRD EMPHASIS AND AWKWARD TEMPO CHANGES) Thank you, Mr. President. Gentlemen of the Senate, you're all aware - of the unusual request I made the other day. At that time I explained the details - of this stupendous discovery - that is capable of changing the political face - of the world. ... Here in front of you - is the machine in question! Over here is a man - who has volunteered - to set before the machine - so that you may see an actual demonstration! ... Before your very eyes, that man will become ---- invisible! ... (MORE CASUAL, TO FRED) Go ahead, Dr. Slade.


FRED: (A LITTLE NERVOUS) Thank you, Senator.


BURNSIDE: (MOVING OFF) I'll sit out here with my colleagues.


FRED: Yes, Senator. (GENTLY, TO VOLUNTEER) All right, my man. Will you sit over here in front of the machine, please? (BEAT) That's it. Thank you.


MUGGLES: (LOW) Everything set, Doc?


FRED: (LOW) Yeah. Are the conosetic coils warm?


MUGGLES: (LOW) All warmed up.


FRED: (LOW) Okay. Now, we'll switch the current on--


SOUND: BUZZ! OF ELECTRICITY ... THEN IN BG--


FRED: --and pull the lever. (BEAT, EXHALES IN RELIEF) That's it.


MUGGLES: Gone with the wind, all right, Doc!


FRED: Yes.


SOUND: ELECTRICITY STOPS ... CROWD APPLAUDS


MUGGLES: Hey, listen to that.


FRED: (CHUCKLES, THEN SUDDENLY TENSE) Muggles? 


MUGGLES: What?


FRED: Look! (BEAT, STUNNED) Do you see what I see?!


MUGGLES: What?


FRED: Look! 


MUGGLES: Oooh, jeepers! The senators have all disappeared!


FRED: Yes. ... Something went wrong with the machine!


MUGGLES: Yeah, the senators are certainly all blanks, ain't they?


MUSIC: SECOND ACT CURTAIN


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MR. FIRST NIGHTER: And the curtain comes down on the second act of tonight's play in the Little Theatre off Times Square!


USHER: Smoking downstairs or in the outer lobby, please!


MR. FIRST NIGHTER: Let's follow our announcer through the intermission crowd in the lobby.


YOUNG LADY: Mr. Announcer, I should be greeting you with an Indian war whoop, or a big "Ugh! Ugh!"


ANNOUNCER: Don't tell me you're Pocahontas?


YOUNG LADY: No, but I am a redskin. You know, red hands, chapped legs, rough palms and elbows.


ANNOUNCER: Ahhhhh, perfect raw material for Campana Cream Balm.


YOUNG LADY: Raw material is right! Red and rough and raw.


ANNOUNCER: Not if you use Campana Cream Balm. That's the lotion that keeps your hands soft and smooth in spite of housework and chilly weather.


YOUNG LADY: You mean you don't have to have red hands if you do housework?!


ANNOUNCER: Of course not. Use Campana Cream Balm regularly and you can have satin smooth skin in spite of washing and laundry and housework.


YOUNG LADY: Now, lookit, I've tried ever so many lotions and they just won't keep my hands smooth. Why do ya think Campana Cream Balm will?


ANNOUNCER: Young lady, I don't just think; I know. You see, Campana Cream Balm is the new lotion with lanolin. And lanolin, you know, is wonderful for dry skin -- for skin robbed of its natural oils by soapy water or exposed to cold weather or dry indoor heat.


YOUNG LADY: Really?


ANNOUNCER: Sure. Scientists say lanolin comes closer to duplicating the natural functions of the skin's own oil than anything else.


YOUNG LADY: Well, I guess I won't be a redskin after all.


ANNOUNCER: Yes, thousands of women have found that this new "lotion with lanolin" -- Campana Cream Balm -- keeps their skin extra soft and satin smooth. Get a bottle for your beauty kit tomorrow. It's Campana Cream Balm -- in the yellow and white carton. However, if your skin is extra-dry or extra-sensitive, ask for Original Campana Balm in the green and white carton.


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS A CHEERFUL TUNE ... FILLS A PAUSE ... THEN IN BG


SOUND: BUZZ! BUZZ! OF SIGNAL BUZZER 


USHER: Curtain! Last curtain! In about three weeks, listen to "Grand Hotel," Campana's new radio program!


MUSIC: UP BRIEFLY ... THEN IN BG


MR. FIRST NIGHTER: The first nighters are all in their seats, ready for the last act -- and there goes the curtain. 


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA FINISHES 


SOUND: KNOCKING AT DOOR ... DOOR OPENS


MUGGLES: Huh? Who's there?


BURNSIDE: Huh? Who's speaking to me? I see no one.


MUGGLES: Neither do I. ... But you sound like Senator Burnside.


BURNSIDE: Now, stop temporizing! I wish to see Dr. Slade immediately.


MUGGLES: Sure, sure. Come in.


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES


MUGGLES: (HIGHLY AMUSED) Hoo hoo! Well, as one hunk of fresh air to another, how are ya, Senator? ...


BURNSIDE: (ANNOYED) Get the doctor!


MUGGLES: Yeah. Oh, yes. Miss Georgia, this is the Senator that - that you don't see here. ... He wants to make talk with Doc.


GEORGIA: I'll call him right away. (CALLS) Freddy?!


MUGGLES: You know, that was too bad what happened in the Senate the other day. Busted Doc's machine.


BURNSIDE: (DRY) I can hardly restrain my grief.


MUGGLES: Yeah. Don't work no more, and he can't fix it.


FRED: (APPROACHES, TENTATIVELY) Er, Senator Burnside?


BURNSIDE: Yes. Standing here beside this chair, since you can't see me.


FRED: Won't you - sit down?


BURNSIDE: (EMOTIONAL) I will not! Now, I want to know what you're going to do about this! Do you realize that the entire Senate of the United States is invisible?! ...


FRED: Yes, I know, all right.


BURNSIDE: Do you realize what a catastrophe this is to the nation?!


FRED: Well, gosh, I'm awfully sorry about it.


BURNSIDE: Sorry? Sorry? Does your being sorry restore us to the sight of the voters?! Do you know we're all coming up for re-election this fall?


FRED: Uh, well, maybe it'll wear off by then.


BURNSIDE: Maybe?! Don't you know?


FRED: No, I don't. Muggles has been this way for two months now.


BURNSIDE: Oh, great Scott! What chance have we got of being re-elected if the voters can't see us?


MUGGLES: Think what a break it is for the voters, though. ...


BURNSIDE: Young man, it's only by the exertion of superhuman willpower that the senators restrained themselves from tearing you apart bodily!


GEORGIA: Well, it wasn't Freddy's fault. He didn't know the machine was going to go haywire.


BURNSIDE: Well-- Well, what are you going to do about it?


FRED: What can I do?


BURNSIDE: Discover something to make us visible again.


FRED: Well, I'll try.


BURNSIDE: You'll have to! This whole nation-- The whole world's talking about this. We're the laughingstock of humanity.


GEORGIA: Well, I think what humanity needs is a good laugh.


BURNSIDE: Now, that's enough out of you, young lady. This nation's in chaos -- and the Senate disappears. What could be worse?


MUGGLES: I can think of something better.


BURNSIDE: Yeah? What's that?


MUGGLES: Having the House disappear, too. ...


FRED: Well, really, Senator, I'll work day and night. I'll do everything in my power to find something that'll restore you all to view.


BURNSIDE: Oh, very well. But, for heaven's sake, Doctor, do it before election!


MUSIC: BRIDGE ... THEN IN BG


REPORTER: Hurry up, Operator, for Pete's sake! Get the call through to my paper, will ya, please? Uh, hello? Hello, boss?! I mean, hello, boss. Uh, stop everything; grab this quick. It'll knock the masthead off the paper. Listen, the Supreme Court has just denied the existence of the U. S. Senate! "What you can't see, doesn't exist," they say. No law passed by the Senate in the last three months is any good. That means that nothing passed by the House is effective, either. Think of it: No new laws! No more investigations!


MUSIC: UP BRIEFLY ... THEN IN BG


SOUND: CITY TRAFFIC BACKGROUND


NEWSIE: Extry! Extry! Read all about it! Supreme Court decides Senate is invisible and unconstitutional! American troops take nine hundred more towns, six more islands! Get your papers here!


MUSIC: UP BRIEFLY ... THEN OUT


FRED: Muggles?! Hey, Muggles?


MUGGLES: You callin' me, Doc?


FRED: Yes, what are you doing?


MUGGLES: Listenin' to 'em swing "John Brown's Body."


FRED: Huh? Who's swingin' a body?


MUGGLES: Benny Goodman, over the radio. Boy, it's a hot arrangement, too. (STARTS SCATTIN', TAPPIN', AND BOPPIN' TO THE RHYTHM)


FRED: Well, never mind, never mind. Help me here.


MUGGLES: Are you still tryin' to mix up somethin' that'll make these senators visible?


FRED: Muggles, it's been five weeks now; I've got to.


MUGGLES: Yeah, but here ya are, hid off from everybody, workin' all the time--


FRED: I know, but the senators are nearly crazy. Here, hold this test tube.


MUGGLES: Sure. (CHUCKLES) You know, I don't mind bein' invisible any more. I just walk into the movies -- free. I ride the streetcars for nothin'. I-- I suppose I'd be in trouble if I got appendicitis, though, huh?


FRED: Hold that tube still.


MUGGLES: Yeah, all right. 


FRED: (TENSE) Look! Look at it! Muggles, I think I found the antidote!


MUGGLES: Ya mean this'll make us all the same as we used to be?


FRED: Well, drink that and see.


MUGGLES: (UNHAPPY) Aw, please, Doc--!


FRED: Go 'head, go 'head; you've got to!


MUGGLES: Mm, okay -- if you say so. Here goes. (DRINKS, CHOKES ON IT, COUGHS) There it is. All gone. You ought to mix that stuff with root beer, though. (COUGHS) ...


FRED: Now, hold still.


MUGGLES: (BEAT) Hey, Doc. Look. Look at my feet!


FRED: Yes. You're coming back! You're legs are becoming visible. It works!


MUGGLES: (DISAPPOINTED) Awwww, jeepers!


FRED: Look out, I gotta take this to the senators immediately!


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


GEORGIA: Freddy, where you going?


FRED: (MOVING OFF) I found the antidote! Look out!


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES


MUGGLES: Well, he's in a hurry, ain't he?


GEORGIA: Why, Muggles, I can see you! Standing there in your underwear. ... Well, what's happened?


MUGGLES: Well, it's something the doc mixed up. He's takin' it up to the senators. (BEAT) Say, I am in my underwear, ain't I?


GEORGIA: But - but where's your head?


MUGGLES: Well, it-- (DOUBLE TAKE) My what?


GEORGIA: Everything's visible but your head.


MUGGLES: Where's the mirror? (BEAT, DEADPAN) Well, what do you know about that? ...


GEORGIA: (CHUCKLES, HIGHLY AMUSED) Oh, Muggles, you look so silly! (CHUCKLES INFECTIOUSLY)


MUGGLES: (LAUGHS IN SPITE OF HIMSELF) Yeah, well, I never did have a head for figures anyway. (CHUCKLES) ...


GEORGIA: (REALIZES) Oh, oh, oh, Muggles!


MUGGLES: What?


GEORGIA: The senators'll come back the same way: bodies with no heads!


MUGGLES: (LAUGHS) They'll certainly be the most dignified body in the world then, won't they?


GEORGIA: Just a bunch of the boys trying to get a head!


GEORGIA &

MUGGLES: (LAUGH)


MUSIC: BRIDGE ... THEN IN BG


NEWSIE: Read all about it! Bond sales skyrocketing! No strikes for five minutes! Labor loves capital! Capital loves communism! Republicans love P-A-C! Senators still looking for their heads! Extry! Extry!


MUSIC: UP BRIEFLY ... THEN OUT


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES


GEORGIA: Hi, Muggles! Where's Freddy?


MUGGLES: Oh, Doc? He's in the back room -- worrying.


GEORGIA: Worrying? Hasn't he seen the newspaper?


MUGGLES: No, he won't even go out of the house. He figgers he's ruined.


GEORGIA: Why, the big chump! (CALLS) Freddy?! Freddy?!


FRED: (OFF, DOWNHEARTED) Yes, what do you want?


GEORGIA: Come here!


FRED: (APPROACHES) Oh, Georgia, I'm ashamed to look at ya.


GEORGIA: What for?


FRED: Well, I thought someday I might be a success and we could be married, but I made a mess of everything.


GEORGIA: Do you know what you're talking about?


FRED: Well, of course. Elections only four weeks off and look what I've done with the Senate!


MUGGLES: I should think they'd like it. You don't have to shave, brush your teeth, comb your hair, wash behind your ears. I haven't had such a good time since I was a baby. ...


GEORGIA: Freddy Slade, if you'd get out of this house, you'd know what was going on. Have you heard the war's nearly over?


FRED: The war? You mean we've won?


GEORGIA: Almost. We're ten miles from Berlin and we've invaded Japan.


FRED: My gosh, how'd it happen so fast?


GEORGIA: You're responsible! Congress hasn't been able to do anything for six months but pester the President. So with the politicians busy, the Army and Navy could finish up the war. ...


FRED: Georgia! You're not kidding me?


GEORGIA: Kidding you, darling? Look at this paper.


SOUND: RUSTLE OF NEWSPAPER


FRED: Well, let's see. (READS) "Booming Slade for next President of the United States." (DISBELIEF) President? Georgia, that doesn't mean me?


GEORGIA: Nobody else, honey.


FRED: Well, why didn't somebody tell me this? Why, Georgia, we can be married!


GEORGIA: I haven't been asked yet.


FRED: Oh, precious, would you be my First Lady of the Land?


GEORGIA: (RELIEVED) Ohhh, Freddy--!


MUGGLES: Say, Doc?


FRED: Yeah?


MUGGLES: If you're president, would you do somethin' for me?


FRED: Anything at all, Muggles. What do you want to be?


MUGGLES: Me? (SNAPS FINGERS, TAPS FEET) I'd like to be Secretary of Swing.


FRED &

GEORGIA: (CHUCKLE)


MUSIC: CURTAIN


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MR. FIRST NIGHTER: And the curtain falls on the six hundred fifty-first performance in the Little Theatre off Times Square! Miss Luddy and Mr. Soulé are in front of the footlights! Here's the First Nighter [Orchestra.]


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE ... THEN IN BG


MR. FIRST NIGHTER: Before we move out of the theater, let me remind you to tune in again next week at this same time when Campana will present another original three-act play.


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA ... UP BRIEFLY ... THEN IN BG


MR. FIRST NIGHTER: And now we move out of the theater and into the street.


MUSIC: FADES OUT AS--


SOUND: CITY TRAFFIC BACKGROUND FADES IN


MR. FIRST NIGHTER: What do you say we stroll down Broadway?


VOICE: Good night, Mr. First Nighter.


MR. FIRST NIGHTER: Good night.


VOICE: Watch your local radio columns for the news about "Grand Hotel," a new Campana program, coming soon.


SOUND: CITY TRAFFIC BACKGROUND FILLS A PAUSE ... THEN FADES OUT


ANNOUNCER: "The First Nighter Program" is a copyrighted radio feature.


2ND ANNCR: Men, if you like to leave your house in the morning with a face that's really refreshed and well-groomed, try Dreskin, spelled D-R-E-S-K-I-N. Dreskin is Campana's famous after shave lotion -- a cool, clear, tingling liquid that gives your face a million-dollar finish. Ask for Dreskin at your druggist's. Fifty cents and one dollar a bottle. (BEAT) This is Mutual.


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