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Like Man, Somebody Dig Me

Suspense

Like Man, Somebody Dig Me

May 25 1958




CAST:


The Suspense Team:

VOICE OF SUSPENSE

WILLIAM N. ROBSON, host-producer

JOE

DAPHNE

ANNOUNCER


Dramatis Personae:

THE TENNIS SHOE, a beatnik

WALTER, a square

MARY, a square

NEWSCASTER

THE CAT, another beatnik

GEORGE, police officer

CHARLIE, police officer

POLICE CHIEF

BRONSON, yet another beatnik

OLD TIMER

OLD LADY

UNDERTAKER, quiet and oily

and the VOICES OF AN ANGRY MOB







MUSIC: "SUSPENSE" THEME 


VOICE: SUSPENSE


MUSIC: ACCENT AND THEME ... CONTINUES IN BG 


VOICE: And the producer of Radio's Outstanding Theater of Thrills, the master of mystery and adventure, William N. Robson.


ROBSON: They call themselves the Beat Generation, by which they do not mean defeated. They mean beatific, which is to say blissful. They're cool, man. They're way out there. They dig jazz which has no melody and poetry which makes no sense, at least to the rest of us squares. They are kids seeking an answer. And, to the Beat Generation, the answer seems to be found in inaction, in non-feeling. They couldn't care less. But face a Beat cat with reality, face him with murder, and what happens? Listen-- Listen, then, to "Like Man, Somebody Dig Me," starring Ted Reid, which follows in a moment.


ANNOUNCER: Another visit with Joe and Daphne Forsythe!


JOE: (SNORES, THEN GIGGLES AND MUMBLES PLEASANTLY IN HIS SLEEP)


DAPHNE: Joe?


JOE: (SNORES, GIGGLES AND MUMBLES)


DAPHNE: Joseph?!


JOE: (WAKES) What? What? What?


DAPHNE: (SUSPICIOUS) Who is she?


JOE: Who's who?


DAPHNE: Who were you dreaming about?


JOE: Was I dreamin'?


DAPHNE: You were talking in your sleep. And giggling.


JOE: (MILDLY SURPRISED) How 'bout that?


DAPHNE: What were you giggling about?


JOE: I can't remember.


DAPHNE: Joseph! You mentioned a girl's name.


JOE: Oh? What name?


DAPHNE: Spass.


JOE: Spass?


DAPHNE: Yes, Spass. Candy Spass. It sounded like a dancer or a strip tease or something.


JOE: Ohhhh.


DAPHNE: (MIMICS HIM) Ohhhh. (SHARPLY) What?


JOE: Well, I musta said Candy Spots. Candy Spots is a horse; I bet on him once.


DAPHNE: You bet on a horse?


JOE: Yeah, we had a pool. I coulda won three dollars.


DAPHNE: Well, you shoulda put the money into Savings Bonds. They're a much better investment.


JOE: It was only fifty cents.


DAPHNE: For sixty-three cents a day, you can buy a twenty-five dollar bond a month. And one year's worth of bonds will bring three hundred dollars when they mature. What's more, they're guaranteed to be winners. The whole United States stands behind them.


JOE: Uh huh.


DAPHNE: So don't waste money betting on horses. Put it in Savings Bonds.


JOE: Okay. Can I still dream about horses, though?


DAPHNE: If you do it quietly. (BEAT, SUSPICIOUS AGAIN) Say, why were you giggling about a horse?


VOICE: And now--


MUSIC: "SUSPENSE" THEME ... THEN BEHIND VOICE--


VOICE: "Like Man, Somebody Dig Me," starring Ted Reid -- a tale well-calculated to keep you in-- 


MUSIC: CHORD


VOICE: SUSPENSE


TENNIS SHOE: (NARRATES) Man, like, crazy!


MUSIC: HIP JAZZ INTRO ... BASS AND DRUMS ... THEN ADDING MORE INSTRUMENTS BEHIND THE TENNIS SHOE--


TENNIS SHOE: (NARRATES) Man, I dig everything. I dig Zen and underarm deodorant. I dig Elvis Presley and Sputniks. I even dig people that drive right on by when I'm hitchhiking.


MUSIC: UP FOR AN ACCENT ... TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND THE TENNIS SHOE--


SOUND: AUTOMOBILE SPEEDS PAST 


TENNIS SHOE: (NARRATES) People call me "The Tennis Shoe," 'cause I wear 'em, and 'cause I'm always on the move. But mostly 'cause I'm cool, man. I could stand out here in the middle of this desert all day. It wouldn't bother me.


SOUND: DURING ABOVE, AUTOMOBILE APPROACHES AND SLOWS TO A STOP


MARY: (SLIGHTLY OFF) You want a lift?


TENNIS SHOE: I'm with you, chick.


SOUND: THE TENNIS SHOE'S STEPS THROUGH SAND TO AUTO ... CAR DOOR OPENS, HE CLIMBS IN, DOOR SHUTS


WALTER: How far you going?


TENNIS SHOE: Oh, I just stick with Route Sixty-Six, man. On to the ocean.


SOUND: DURING ABOVE, CAR STARTS DOWN HIGHWAY ... RUNNING AUTO INTERIOR CONTINUES IN BG


MARY: We're on our way to Las Vegas.


WALTER: You going to California?


TENNIS SHOE: Well, like, I wrote a poem, man. I want to read it to the Pacific Ocean.


MARY: Read it to the Pacific Ocean?


TENNIS SHOE: Well, I already read it to the Atlantic.


WALTER: Well, if you read it to the Atlantic, why bother to read it to the Pacific?


TENNIS SHOE: Man, have you ever read a poem to the Atlantic in January?


WALTER: Well, no, I-- (CHUCKLES, DECIDES TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT) We, uh-- We almost didn't stop for you.


MARY: Well, most people won't take a chance on hitchhikers these days.


WALTER: Yes, you're lucky we picked you up.


TENNIS SHOE: Look, man, I don't know what you want, but I ain't got it. I ain't got no rose to pin on you and no medals. Dig? I just stand by the road with my thumb up. If you want to pick me up, cool. If you want to drive on by, too cool. If you want to stop the car and let me out, that's okay with me. Because, man, I'm cool. I just don't care. You're the driver and I'm just along for the ride. Dig? 


WALTER: (CHUCKLES) I'm just making conversation.


TENNIS SHOE: Uh huh. If you're goin' to Vegas, man, you'll have to turn off at Kingman. (YAWNS) I don't dig Vegas. (EXHALES) Vegas is for squares. Well, right now, I'm gonna get me some shuteye. I'm tired, man. The cops run me out of town last night for buildin' a fire to keep warm. So I'm tired, man. 


MARY: You mean just for building a fire?


TENNIS SHOE: Like, how was I to know all that wood was somebody's house?


MUSIC: ACCENT/TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND THE TENNIS SHOE--


TENNIS SHOE: (NARRATES) Yeah, I pulled down the lids of my eyes and made like I was asleep, but it was all I could do to keep from bustin' out laughin'. This was kicks, man. These squares were real kicks.


SOUND: RUNNING AUTO INTERIOR BACKGROUND


MARY: (UNEASY) Turn on the radio, Walter.


WALTER: (INDIFFERENT) Uh huh.


SOUND: CLICK! OF SWITCH  


MUSIC: RADIO PLAYS SOME INNOCUOUS POP TUNE ... THEN IN BG


MARY: (LOW) Walter, I don't like that man.


WALTER: Oh, don't be silly.


MARY: (LOW) Ssh! Keep your voice down. Do you want to wake him up? I think he's crazy and I think he's dangerous.


WALTER: Honey, he's perfectly harmless. I see his type on the road a lot lately. It's a kind of fad. They call themselves the Beat Generation. They pretend that nothing matters to them any more. They just drift. (CHUCKLES) He's harmless.


MARY: Just the same, I wish we hadn't picked him up.


MUSIC: OUT FOR--


NEWSCASTER: (FILTER) We interrupt "Matinee Melodies" to bring you another bulletin on the killer who's been terrorizing southern Nevada.


MARY: (GASPS) Walter, listen!


NEWSCASTER: (FILTER) The hatchet maniac's fourth victim was just found brutally murdered in the small Nevada town of Searchlight, not far from the Arizona border. Only one eyewitness has seen the killer. She describes him as being medium height, dark coloring, and wearing a red nylon jacket and tennis shoes.


MARY: (SCARED) Walter, he's--!


WALTER: (DISMISSIVE) Oh, use your head, Mary. We're in Arizona.


NEWSCASTER: (FILTER) We return you now to "Matinee Melodies." 


MUSIC: INNOCUOUS POP TUNE RESUMES ON RADIO


MARY: But the description fits and he could be carrying anything in that bag of his.


TENNIS SHOE: (IN CLOSE) You wanna look in the bag, like?


MARY: (STARTLED GASP) I thought you were asleep.


TENNIS SHOE: Don't jump. Stay cool. I'll, uh, put it in the front seat and you can look-see. (CHUCKLES) Man, it don't even zipper shut. So what do you dig inside? (CHUCKLES) A bottle of wine from the supermarket. Typewritten copies of my poems. A clean shirt with a dirty collar. Man, I travel so light, I don't even dig toothbrushes. So what am I gonna do with a hatchet? (LAUGHS)


MUSIC: TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND THE TENNIS SHOE--


TENNIS SHOE: (NARRATES) Man, there is one thing about squares -- they never, ever learn.


MUSIC: ACCENT ... FILLS A PAUSE ... THEN OUT


SOUND: RUNNING AUTO INTERIOR BACKGROUND


WALTER: This is Kingman, buddy. Where do you want to get out?


TENNIS SHOE: Anywhere.


WALTER: Well, we've got to get some gas. 


MARY: Why, isn't that strange? The streets are almost deserted.


WALTER: With that maniac running loose, everybody's probably locked up indoors.


MARY: Walter, shouldn't we have turned off by now? We're just about out of town.


WALTER: Yeah.


MARY: Oh, here's a place. See? "Pop's Food and Gas." We can pull in here and ask, and get some gas at the same time.


SOUND: AUTO PULLS INTO STATION AND STOPS ... ENGINE OUT


WALTER: I don't see anybody.


TENNIS SHOE: Like, maybe they're closed.


SOUND: WALTER HONKS THE AUTO HORN A QUICK FOUR TIMES


WALTER: Lights are still on.


SOUND: WALTER HONKS A QUICK SIX TIMES ... CAR DOOR OPENS BEHIND--


WALTER: Well, I'll go inside.


MARY: (NERVOUS) Don't leave me, Walter!


WALTER: Oh, there's nothing to be afraid of, Mary.


MARY: Well, I'm certainly not gonna stay out here alone.


SOUND: CAR DOOR OPENS ... MARY CLIMBS OUT


TENNIS SHOE: Like, thanks, chick.


MARY: ("WAIT FOR ME") Walter!


MUSIC: BEHIND THE TENNIS SHOE--


TENNIS SHOE: (NARRATES) Like, who was I to stay in the car when the party's inside? Just as we go through the front door, some cat hustles in from the kitchen, wipin' his hands on his apron.


SOUND: THE CAT'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH


WALTER: Oh, there ya are.


THE CAT: (A LITTLE NERVOUS) Hi. I didn't hear ya drive up.


MARY: (HORRIFIED) Walter, he's got blood on his hands!


WALTER: (ADMONISHES) Mary!


THE CAT: (NOT VERY CONVINCING) Now, please, uh, don't be alarmed. Uh, tomorrow's special is chicken and dumplings and somebody has to kill the chickens. That's why I didn't hear ya drive up.


MARY: (CONVINCED, RELIEVED) Oh.


WALTER: We need some gas.


THE CAT: Yeah, man, like gasoline.


MUSIC: BEHIND THE TENNIS SHOE--


TENNIS SHOE: (NARRATES) Man, like, right away, I got eyes to see this cat ain't nobody's pop. And he ain't never run no gas station before. But do you think I'm gonna tell squares? I dropped my bag at the end of the counter and then I walked around to the back of the station to scrub some of the dirt off my face.


Takes me quite a while to scrub and I come back around the station just in time to see the two squares drive off down the road. And what do you think happens? Instead of turnin' right to go to Vegas, they turn to the left. When I come in the café, I surprise this cat behind the counter.


THE CAT: (STARTLED) Oh, man, you - you walk up on people, like, too quiet.


TENNIS SHOE: That's why they call me "The Tennis Shoe."


THE CAT: Hey, like, you're hip. They call me "The Cat."


TENNIS SHOE: I can tell why. Where did those two squares go?


THE CAT: Mexico.


TENNIS SHOE: Mexico? They said they were goin' to Vegas.


THE CAT: I know. They asked me where to turn and I told 'em. If they drive long enough, they'll wind up in Mexico. (STARTS LAUGHING)


TENNIS SHOE: (BEAT, JOINS THE LAUGHTER) Oh, man, you are too cool!


BIZ: BOTH CRACK UP WITH LAUGHTER


MUSIC: TRANSITION ... UPTEMPO BOOGIE WOOGIE PIANO JAZZ ... THEN BEHIND THE TENNIS SHOE--


TENNIS SHOE: (NARRATES) I leave the Cat, and I'm walkin' west on Sixty-Six with my thumb ready -- ten, maybe fifteen minutes at the most -- when this squad car with a flashin' light screams up to a stop.


SOUND: DURING ABOVE, POLICE CAR WITH SIREN APPROACHES AND STOPS ... CAR DOORS OPEN ... OFFICERS CLIMB OUT AND WALK TOWARD THE TENNIS SHOE


TENNIS SHOE: (NARRATES) Right away they pull out those big shiny pistols and right away I know what they're thinkin'. This is really gonna be crazy.


GEORGE: Hold your hands in the air!


TENNIS SHOE: Man, like, go away.


CHARLIE: Hold 'em up high if you don't want your head blown off.


SOUND: THE TENNIS SHOE DROPS BAG IN SAND TO RAISE HIS HANDS


GEORGE: That's better.


CHARLIE: Better search him, George.


SOUND: A HEAVY PAT DOWN


TENNIS SHOE: Come on now, easy, man, easy. (TICKLISH) I - I - I laugh when people do that. (LAUGHS) 


GEORGE: He's clean. 


CHARLIE: What do you got in the bag?


TENNIS SHOE: I got goodies for grandma. You dig grandma?


CHARLIE: Step away from it. 


SOUND: THE TENNIS SHOE STEPS AWAY


CHARLIE: See what's in the bag, George.


SOUND: GEORGE OPENS THE BAG


GEORGE: (SOBERLY) My God--


CHARLIE: What is it?


GEORGE: We got him.


TENNIS SHOE: Like, got who, man?


GEORGE: This is the hatchet killer, Charlie.


MUSIC: BIG ACCENT ... THEN BEHIND THE TENNIS SHOE--


TENNIS SHOE: (NARRATES) I look over to dig what's in the bag -- and I almost flipped. There -- on top of the clean shirt with the dirty collar, on top of all that cool poetry, on top of an almost full half-bottle of wine -- there's this hatchet I never seen before. Man, like, I'd laugh, but the hatchet is all bloody.


MUSIC: UP FOR A BIG CURTAIN


VOICE: In a moment, we continue with the second act of--


MUSIC: CHORD


VOICE: SUSPENSE! 


ANNOUNCER: How can we recognize devotion to freedom? One way is to be able to identify the Navy Cross, established by Congress in Nineteen Nineteen. A cross made of bronze, it contains a design of an old sailing ship, the caravel, with crossed anchors, and the words, "United States Navy" on the reverse side. It is suspended from a blue ribbon with a narrow white stripe in the center. This rare award is given to any person serving in any capacity with the naval service of the United States who distinguishes himself by extraordinary heroism in connection with military operations against an armed enemy. Individuals who have received the Navy Cross include sailors who distinguished themselves during America's involvement with Japanese operations in China from Nineteen Thirty-Seven to Nineteen Thirty-Eight, and men aboard the U.S. gunboat Panay which was bombed and sunk in Chinese waters on December twelfth, Nineteen Thirty-Seven. The Navy Cross stands for extraordinary accomplishment which a proud nation notes and acknowledges with gratitude. Who is next for the Navy Cross? It can be any dedicated seaman who so conducts himself as to be worthy of the great tradition of this honored symbol of freedom -- the Navy Cross.


VOICE: And now--


MUSIC: CHORD


VOICE: Starring Ted Reid, Act Two of "Like Man, Somebody Dig Me."


CHIEF: Now, look, buddy, you'd better give us your name and give it to us fast.


TENNIS SHOE: I told ya, man. I'm the Tennis Shoe.


CHIEF: I don't like your flip attitude.


TENNIS SHOE: So flip, man, flip.


CHIEF: I don't know whether you realize it or not, but you're in bad trouble. You've been caught with a murder weapon, no identification, and no alibi.


TENNIS SHOE: I told ya my story, but you don't dig it.


CHIEF: You expect me to believe you've just been passing through the state?


TENNIS SHOE: Well, don't forget that Bronson cat in Gallup, New Mexico. He's all the alibi I need. I was swingin' at a party at his place last night, all night. He digs me, so I'm not shook. Why, this is a new kick, daddy-o. I ain't never been up for murder before. It is too cool. (LAUGHS)


SOUND: PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP


CHARLIE: (INTO PHONE) Kingman police.


TENNIS SHOE: (STARTS SCATTING SOME JAZZ IN BG)


CHARLIE: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, he's here. (TO CHIEF) It's the Gallup police.


CHIEF: Oh. (INTO PHONE) Hello? ... You got him there with ya? ... Well, put him on. (TO THE TENNIS SHOE) Will you shut up so's I can hear?!


TENNIS SHOE: (KEEPS SCATTING)


CHIEF: Shut up!


TENNIS SHOE: (STOPS SCATTING)


CHIEF: (INTO PHONE) Hello? ... Uh, Mr. Bronson, this is the Kingman police. We got a man here that says you know him; was at a party at your place last night. ... Well, he calls himself the Tennis Shoe. ... Huh? ... Just a minute. (TO THE TENNIS SHOE) He says he never heard of ya.


TENNIS SHOE: Lemme talk to him.


SOUND: PHONE HANDED OVER


TENNIS SHOE: (INTO PHONE) Hello, man?


BRONSON: (FILTER) Yeah, man?


TENNIS SHOE: Well, this is me, the Tennis Shoe.


BRONSON: (FILTER) Daddy-o, like, I know.


TENNIS SHOE: Well, tell the man for me.


BRONSON: (FILTER) I would, but, uh, I keep forgettin'. (LAUGHS)


TENNIS SHOE: Bronson, this is for real. They're tryin' to pin a murder on me.


BRONSON: (FILTER, LAUGHS) Crazy, man. You're way out there. Way out! Murder? What kicks! (LAUGHS) 


SOUND: PHONE DISCONNECTS (CALLER'S PERSPECTIVE) ... RECEIVER DOWN BEHIND--


TENNIS SHOE: Wha--? Like, man -- won't somebody dig me?!


CHIEF: Now do you wanna tell me why you killed him?


TENNIS SHOE: But I didn't.


CHIEF: You were carrying a hatchet that killed five people. How did it get in your bag?


TENNIS SHOE: Well, the Cat must have put it there.


CHIEF: Who's that?


TENNIS SHOE: I told you already. The guy that was at Pop's place.


CHIEF: Who else saw him besides you?


TENNIS SHOE: I told ya. The two squares that gimme the lift.


CHIEF: The man and the woman you sent in the wrong direction?


TENNIS SHOE: I didn't send them in no wrong direction. This Cat did. He's cool. He did it for a kick.


CHIEF: You kill the old man for a kick?


TENNIS SHOE: No! I'm innocent! It's all a collection of circumstances. I'm just a victim of the world, man!


CHIEF: Take him down and book him for first degree murder.


SOUND: CRASH! AS ROCK SMASHES THROUGH WINDOW GLASS ... VOICES OF ANGRY MOB HEARD IN BG


TENNIS SHOE: Wha--?


CHIEF: Hey, what's goin' on out there?


CHARLIE: Most everybody in town's out front. They're yellin' for the hatchet killer.


TENNIS SHOE: You aren't gonna let them in here, chief?


CHIEF: If they're makin' up their minds that they're comin' in, it's gonna take more'n me to stop 'em.


TENNIS SHOE: Well, you can't let 'em get me!


SOUND: ANOTHER ROCK SMASHES ANOTHER WINDOW ... MOB GROWS LOUDER


1ST VOICE: All right, throw him out here!


TENNIS SHOE: Don't pay any attention to them!


CHIEF: I'm goin' out there and try to talk 'em out of it.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS ... MOB GROWS EVEN LOUDER ... THEN QUIETS BEHIND--


CHIEF: (TO THE MOB) All right! All right, quiet! Hey, give me a chance to speak my mind! Now, quiet down! Quiet down! Now, we're all friends and neighbors. I know how you all felt about Pop Daniels. Well, he was a friend of mine, too. But I know you all well enough to know that you want to see justice done.


2ND VOICE: Yeah, and that's what we brought this rope for!


SOUND: MOB MURMURS AGREEMENT


1ST VOICE: We want the killer!


SOUND: MOB STARTS TO CHANT "WE WANT THE KILLER!" ... THEN IN BG


CHIEF: Now, quiet down a minute! Now, just a minute!


MUSIC: ACCENT ... THEN BEHIND THE TENNIS SHOE--


TENNIS SHOE: (NARRATES) It's like a nightmare. A million hands pull and drag me out of the jail, across the street, and into this sleepy little park in the center of town. I try to laugh, man. I mean, it's a new kick bein' carried around like that. I try to laugh, but no laugh comes. And then I see this rope -- the one with a long knot in it -- and all of a sudden I know that the only cat that's gonna be swingin' at this party is me. 


MUSIC: UP FOR A BIG CURTAIN


VOICE: In a moment, we continue with the third act of--


MUSIC: CHORD


VOICE: SUSPENSE! 


ANNOUNCER: (ECHO, POMPOUS) We have, together, ample capacity in freedom to defend freedom. This is NATO, the North Atlantic Treaty Organization. (BEAT, ECHO OUT) Day after day, month after month, since April fourth, Nineteen Forty-Nine, the activities of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization have moved steadily forward on many fronts. This complete cooperation must, and will, continue because the concept of national self-sufficiency is out-of-date. Countries of the Free World are interdependent, and only in genuine partnership -- and by combining their resources, sharing tasks in many fields -- can progress and safety be found. The United States of America is a part of NATO. You should be aware of, and alert to, the objectives and programs of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.


VOICE: And now--


MUSIC: CHORD


VOICE: Starring Ted Reid, Act Three of "Like Man, Somebody Dig Me."


SOUND: RUNNING AUTO INTERIOR BACKGROUND


MARY: I wonder what ever possessed that man at Pop's place to give us the wrong turn.


WALTER: Oh, I should have paid more attention to my own sense of direction.


MARY: (SIGHS) Oh, all that driving and here we are right back in Kingman. Only, there was nobody in the street when we came through and now look at that crowd over there in the park.


SOUND: DISTANT MOB VOICES FADE IN


WALTER: Oh, probably a political rally of some sort.


MARY: (REALIZES) No. Look at that rope. They're gonna hang somebody!


SOUND: AUTO STOPS ... ENGINE OUT


WALTER: (CALLS) Hey! Old timer?


OLD TIMER: Yes, sir?


WALTER: What's going on?


OLD TIMER: Oh, they caught that fella what's been goin' around choppin' up people over in Nevada. But he sure made a mistake when he killed ol' Pop Daniels here in Kingman this afternoon. We don't put up with that kind of stuff here.


MARY: Look at that man they're putting the rope on! Isn't that the same--?


WALTER: Yes, that's our hitchhiker. They're makin' a terrible mistake. He was with us all afternoon.


SOUND: CAR DOOR OPENS


MARY: Walter, where are you going?!


WALTER: They'll hang him if I don't stop them!


SOUND: WALTER'S RUNNING STEPS TO MOB


MARY: Walter, come back here! They'll hang you, too!


SOUND: WALTER PUSHES HIS WAY THROUGH THE NOISY MOB 


WALTER: Wait! Wait, this man is innocent! Let me through! Let me through here! He's innocent! I can prove it! 


1ST VOICE: Who's that?


SOUND: MOB SLOWLY GROWS QUIET BEHIND--


WALTER: Listen to me! Give me a chance and listen to me! If you hang him, you'll hang an innocent man! I can prove he's innocent -- because he's been with my wife and me all day!


TENNIS SHOE: Man, am I glad to see you!


MUSIC: ACCENT/TRANSITION ... THEN BEHIND THE TENNIS SHOE--


TENNIS SHOE: (NARRATES) After that, it really wasn't any trouble. They told the cops where I'd been. The cops were mad because I wasn't the killer. But there wasn't anything they could do about it. And the next morning, I walk out of jail into the sunshine and the fresh air. (INHALES DEEPLY) Like, man, it's really great to be alive. And the world looks good. Even people look good. But I walk down the main drag and in less than five blocks, I pass a little kid that tries to con me into buyin' up all his newspapers so he can go home early, a neon sign that screams "Good Food and Dance," a hundred cars driven by guys that don't own 'em, and no apology from some guy I bumped into. And then I start wonderin' what I'm so gone about.


OLD LADY: Young man?


TENNIS SHOE: Yeah? Like--?


OLD LADY: I wonder if ya'd be so kind-- My daughter let me out of her car. She told me the optometrist was straight ahead, but somehow I got turned around. Would you lead me to the right door?


TENNIS SHOE: Optometrist's?


OLD LADY: Yes, I broke my glasses three days ago.


TENNIS SHOE: Well, grandma, I don't know how you did it, but you just drifted yourself down about two doors. 


OLD LADY: Oh.


TENNIS SHOE: Here, you take my arm.


SOUND: THEY WALK ARM-IN-ARM ... IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--


OLD LADY: Thank you so much. You're such a kind young man.


TENNIS SHOE: Now, watch it, there's a step here.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


MUSIC: FUNERAL PARLOR ORGAN PLAYS A COMFORTING TUNE  ... IN BG


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES BEHIND--


OLD LADY: Ooh, my, it's so cool in here.


TENNIS SHOE: Why, I didn't know you were hip, grandma.


OLD LADY: And what nice music on the radio.


TENNIS SHOE: Yeah, moms, it's way out. Now, here's a chair. You sit down.


SOUND: OLD LADY SITS


OLD LADY: Oh, thank you so much. Whatever would I have done without you?


TENNIS SHOE: Ssh sh! There's a sign over there, says, "Quiet, please." I'll tell the receptionist you're here. Don't go 'way.


UNDERTAKER: (BEAT, FADES IN, LOW) Can I help you?


TENNIS SHOE: Yes.


UNDERTAKER: Are you family or a friend of the deceased?


TENNIS SHOE: Oh, it's my mother. She don't want to view the body. She just wants to sit here and meditate about the dearly departed.


UNDERTAKER: I see.


TENNIS SHOE: Yeah, so you just leave her alone with her thoughts and I'll be by and pick her up in a while.


UNDERTAKER: Well, we do our best to be of comfort in a time of trial and stress.


MUSIC: MELLOW JAZZ ... THEN BEHIND THE TENNIS SHOE--


TENNIS SHOE: (NARRATES, HIGHLY AMUSED) Man-- (LAUGHS) Oh, I get out on the street and I hotfoot it way out in the desert before I fall down and bust out laughin'! (LAUGHS) I think of that old chick sittin' in that funeral parlor, waitin' for a pair of glasses -- and I just about crack up, man! (LAUGHS) Oh, one thing about squares, man -- they just never, ever learn.


MUSIC: CURTAIN


VOICE: SUSPENSE!


MUSIC: CHORD


VOICE: In which Ted Reid starred in William N. Robson's production of "Like Man, Somebody Dig Me," written by George Bamber. Supporting Ted Reid in "Like Man, Somebody Dig Me" were Lillian Buyeff, Bill Quinn, Daws Butler, Barney Phillips, Jack Moyles, Sam Pierce, and Norm Alden. Listen-- Listen again next week when we return with another tale well-calculated to keep you in-- 


MUSIC: CHORD 


VOICE: SUSPENSE! 


MUSIC: CLOSING MARCH ... UNTIL END


ANNOUNCER: This is the United States Armed Forces Radio and Television Service.



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