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Library Visit

Baby Snooks and Daddy

Library Visit 

Jul 18 1940



CAST:

HOST

BABY SNOOKS

DADDY

LIBRARIAN

MAN


NOTE: This is a sketch from the series "Good News of 1940."




[HOST: And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's Fanny Brice as Baby Snooks.]


MUSIC: INTRODUCTION ... A BRISK "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"


SOUND: APPLAUSE


HOST: Well, Daddy -- played by Hanley Stafford -- is putting on a minstrel show for his lodge, so he has decided to visit the public library for technical research and also to browse through a few joke books. Naturally, he couldn't escape the clutches of his dynamic offspring, so we find them both on the steps of the library. Listen.


DADDY: Now, Snooks, before we go in you must understand one thing. 


SNOOKS: No noise.


DADDY: Exactly. You must be as quiet as a mouse. Don't raise your voice above a whisper and walk on your tiptoes.


SNOOKS: (BEAT) Is anybody dead in there?


DADDY: Nobody's dead in there, but a lot of people come to the library to cogitate.


SNOOKS: Don't they feel good, Daddy?


DADDY: They feel fine. The people who go to the library don't wish to be disturbed while they're meditating. That's why you will behave better than you ever have before.


SNOOKS: (BEAT, SURPRISED) Will I? ...


DADDY: You will if you want to go in there with me. 


SNOOKS: I will.


DADDY: All right, let's go. And remember, conduct yourself like a little lady. Comprehend?


SNOOKS: Copperhead.


DADDY: Very well.


SNOOKS: Wait a minute, Daddy! 


DADDY: What is it?


SNOOKS: (GRIM) I've got a noisy feelin' comin' over me.


DADDY: Now, Snooks, I warned you!


SNOOKS: (QUICKLY) It's gone now, Daddy! I'll be very quiet. ...


DADDY: Okay. Hold onto my hand.


SNOOKS: (BEAT) What's in the library, Daddy?


DADDY: Books. Thousands of books.


SNOOKS: Did Uncle Louie make them?


DADDY: No, of course not.


SNOOKS: Well, Mommy said that Uncle Louie was a bookmaker.


DADDY: Never mind that! ... Just don't snoop around so much. And don't repeat everything you hear.


SNOOKS: Whyyy?


DADDY: Because that's gossiping! Leave that to your mother.


SNOOKS: Huh? ...


DADDY: Nothing. [It's like that] with all females. If there were just three women left in the world, do you know what they'd do?


SNOOKS: No.


DADDY: Two of them would get together and talk about the other one. ...


SNOOKS: Whyyy?


DADDY: Because they would!


SNOOKS: If there were three men left in the world, what would they do?


DADDY: I don't know. Come on in.


SNOOKS: Would they get together and look for the three women? ...


DADDY: Forget about the men and the women! We're going inside now, so be quiet.


SNOOKS: (BEAT, LOUD) Who is that man behind the desk?!


DADDY: (SOFT) Shhhh! He's the librarian. I have to talk to him. (BEAT, TO LIBRARIAN) Oh, er, excuse me.


LIBRARIAN: (EVEN SOFTER) Yes, sir? May I help you, sir?


SNOOKS: (BEAT, LOUD) What's he scared about, Daddy? ...


DADDY: Shhhh! I told you not to raise your voice. Keep quiet.


SNOOKS: (VERY LOUD) I WANT A PICTURE BOOK!


DADDY: (SOFT) Just a minute! (TO LIBRARIAN) Uh, I'm looking for some books on minstrelsy. 


LIBRARIAN: Certainly. Have you any particular book in mind? 


DADDY: No, I'm putting on a minstrel show and I'd like--


SNOOKS: (EVEN LOUDER, WAILS) I WANT A PICTURE BOOK! ...


LIBRARIAN: (INDULGENT) Careful, sweetheart. Careful. Mustn't climb up on my desk! (CHUCKLES)


DADDY: Snooks! Come off that desk! (TO LIBRARIAN) Oh, I'm awfully sorry.


LIBRARIAN: Oh, she didn't hurt anything. Lively little thing, isn't she?


DADDY: Snooks! What did I tell you before we came in?


SNOOKS: I WANT A PICTURE BOOK! ...


LIBRARIAN: Now, little girl, there are lots of picture books on the shelves over there. (MOVING OFF, TO DADDY) I'll see what I can find for you in the meantime, sir.


DADDY: Come on, Snooks.


SNOOKS: Where we goin'?


DADDY: Into the reading room.


SOUND: ROOM DOOR OPENS & CLOSES


SNOOKS: DADDY?!


DADDY: Shhh! Snooks, don't you see that sign on the wall?


SNOOKS: What sign?


DADDY: Right there! S-I-L-E-N-C-E.


SNOOKS: Well, I ain't smokin'! ...


DADDY: It says, "Silence."


SNOOKS: Uh huh.


MAN: (EXTRAVAGANTLY AGITATED) Silence, please! Is there no place a soul can commune with the masters?! ...


DADDY: I'm sorry, sir. She'll be quiet. 


MAN: Thank you. Ahem.


SNOOKS: Is this the reading room, Daddy?


DADDY: Yes.


SNOOKS: Well, why is that man writing?


DADDY: Because he wants to write.


SNOOKS: Well, why don't he go to the writing room?


DADDY: There isn't any writing room.


SNOOKS: Well, you said this is the reading room.


DADDY: I know, but people stand in sitting rooms, don't they?


SNOOKS: Why don't they sit down?


DADDY: Because there's no sitting room.


SNOOKS: Well, how--?


DADDY: Oh, keep quiet. You're irritating that man, Snooks. 


SNOOKS: (WAILS) I WANT A PICTURE BOOK! ...


MAN: (EXTRAVAGANTLY ANNOYED) Ohhhh, this is really too much! 


DADDY: Excuse me, sir. Come over here, Snooks.


SNOOKS: (BEAT) That man's got a picture book, Daddy. 


DADDY: Well, it's not the kind you want. 


SNOOKS: Why?


DADDY: Because it's a book on archeology.


SNOOKS: What's that?


DADDY: It's the study of lost races.


SNOOKS: Did you write it?


DADDY: No.


SNOOKS: Well, you never win!


DADDY: It has nothing to do with horse races. And you mind your own business!


MAN: (OFF, ANNOYED) Please!


DADDY: Oh, excuse me, sir. (TO SNOOKS) See? You'll cause me plenty of trouble before I get out of here! Look, here's a picture book. Sit down and look at that.


SNOOKS: I want that book up there!


DADDY: No. That's a book about reincarnation.


SNOOKS: (DEMURE) I like flowers. ...


DADDY: Reincarnation isn't about flowers! It's a theory that when you leave this world, you return again in some other form.


SNOOKS: Could I come back as the devil?! ...


DADDY: No, you can't be the same thing twice! ... Here. Now, look at these wonderful pictures.


SNOOKS: (CRIES BRIEFLY, POUTY) I wanna look at that man's book.


DADDY: Snooks, come back here!


SNOOKS: (BEAT, LOW) Hello, mister.


MAN: (WITH GREAT DIGNITY) I prefer to be left alone. 


SNOOKS: Whyyy?


MAN: (TO DADDY) Excuse me, sir, is this your daughter?


DADDY: (OFF) Yes.


MAN: What do you call this sweet little child?


DADDY: (OFF) Snooks.


MAN: (EXPLODES) THEN FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, CALL HER! ...


SNOOKS: (CRIES BRIEFLY) I wanna see his pictures!


DADDY: (OFF) Snooks, you heard what the man said! Come away from there at once!


SNOOKS: I wanna see what he's writin'! 


MAN: GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY PRECIOUS NOTES! STOP HER!


DADDY: Snooks!


SNOOKS: I only wanna--!


SOUND: RIP! AS PAPER TEARS


MAN: (HORRIFIED) Ohhhh! She's torn them! 


DADDY: That's the last straw!


SNOOKS: (FLATLY) Let's go home, Daddy. ...


LIBRARIAN: Oh, there you are. Here are your minstrel books, sir.


MAN: Minstrel books?! For forty years I've worked on this masterpiece only to have it wrecked by a blackface comedian! 


DADDY: I'm sure you can piece those papers together again. I--


MAN: (EXPLODES) OUT OF MY SIGHT! TAKE 'EM AWAY!


LIBRARIAN: (NERVOUS) Oh, you'd better leave, sir. He gets very violent.


DADDY: All right. Come with me, Snooks.


SNOOKS: Where are we goin', Daddy?!


DADDY: Shhh! This is a library. You must be very quiet. 


SNOOKS: (WHISPERS) All right. 


DADDY: Now, let me close this door.


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES ... THE FOLLOWING EXCHANGE IS PERFORMED QUIETLY WITH A MOOD OF CASUAL POLITENESS, AS IF THE WHOLE THING WERE BORINGLY ROUTINE ... SNOOKS SHOWS NO FEAR, DADDY SHOWS NO ANGER


SNOOKS: Can't ya wait till we get home, Daddy?


DADDY: I'm sorry, Snooks, but this must be attended to right away.


SNOOKS: Oh. Shall I turn over?


DADDY: Place yourself across that bench. (BEAT) Thank you.


SNOOKS: You're welcome, Daddy.


DADDY: Ready?


SNOOKS: Ready.


DADDY: Well, here we go again. 


SOUND: FOUR LOUD SPANKS!


SNOOKS: Finished? ...


DADDY: Yes. And, Snooks, although you thoroughly deserved it, it hurt me worse than it did you.


SNOOKS: I knew it would, Daddy.


DADDY: What do you mean?


SNOOKS: (MISCHIEVOUS) 'Cause I stuck the picture book in my panties. (LAUGHS GLEEFULLY) ...


DADDY: (ANGRY) Oh, you little--!


SOUND: ONE MORE SPANK!


SNOOKS: (HOWLS IN PAIN) ...


MUSIC: CURTAIN ... "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"


SOUND: APPLAUSE 


HOST: Thank you, Baby Snooks, Daddy, and company. ...

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