Microphone Plays‎ > ‎

Jack Pearl

The Ziegfeld Follies of the Air

Jack Pearl

Apr 10 1932



CAST:

HOST, Eddie Dowling

JACK PEARL, comic; broad German accent

CLIFF HALL, straight man; good-natured American 


NOTE: Jack's German accent is exaggerated for comic effect. He often pronounces "s" like "z" or "sh"; "w" like "v"; "and" like "und" -- and sometimes rolls his "R's" heavily. Also, the dialogue exchanges are very fast.




HOST: ... Let's step in for a moment in the Ziegfeld Theatre on the first night of the Follies of Nineteen Thirty-One and listen to one of the funniest comedians who ever appeared under the auspices of Ziegfeld -- little Jack Pearl himself, in person!


CLIFF: Hello, Jack.


JACK: Hello, Cliff.


CLIFF: What's the matter? You look troubled.


JACK: Well, I - I got my troubles.


CLIFF: Oh, yes?


JACK: Yeah, for the last half hour, I've been trying to get a telephone number.


CLIFF: Well, did you call Central?


JACK: Did I call Central? Huh! Every name I could think of. ...


CLIFF: (CHUCKLES) And who - whom did you want to talk to?


JACK: I want-- I want I should speak with my broo-der.


CLIFF: Oh, your brother?


JACK: My broo-der, yeah.


CLIFF: What did you want with him?


JACK: I want he should come out in my car.


CLIFF: Oh, you have a car?


JACK: I've got a lovely car.


CLIFF: What's the name of it?


JACK: Errrr, uhhhh-- Blim-oweth.


CLIFF: What?


JACK: Blyme--? Blyme-oweth?


CLIFF: I'm sorry, Jack. ... I - I don't understand you.


JACK: Oh, well, look, er-- I don't know how to say it 'cause I'm not here in this country long. Like, uh-- Like, suppose-- You remember the foreigners when they come over?


CLIFF: The foreigners?


JACK: The foreigners decide to come over and they come over on a rock?


CLIFF: They came over on a what?


JACK: On a rock, they come.


CLIFF: Oh, you mean they landed on a--? Plymouth Rock! I remember. You mean you have a Plymouth car?


JACK: You took the word out of my mouth. ...


CLIFF: (CHUCKLES) And a very fine car it is, too, Jack.


JACK: Yeah, that's a lovely car.


CLIFF: How's it running?


JACK: Well, it's lovely running.


CLIFF: It is?


JACK: Oh, and I just had an accident.


CLIFF: You had an accident?


JACK: An accident.


CLIFF: What happened?


JACK: A boom-cha.


CLIFF: A what?


JACK: A boom-cha. Boom-cha in my tire.


CLIFF: You got a puncture in your tire?


JACK: Yeah.


CLIFF: Well, how did that happen?


JACK: I ran over a bottle.


CLIFF: Well, that was carelessness on your part. While driving, didn't you see the bottle?


JACK: No. (LAUGHS) It was in a man's pocket. ...


CLIFF: (CHUCKLES) Oh, by the way, Jack, you were talking about your brother. I didn't know you had a brother.


JACK: Sure.


CLIFF: What's his name?


JACK: (STUMPED) Ummm. (LIGHTLY, WITH A SHRUG) Heh! I know him so well, I forgot him. ...


CLIFF: Oh. You can't think of your brother's name?


JACK: Yeah.


CLIFF: Would you--? Would you know him if you saw him?


JACK: Oh, sure.


CLIFF: Well, that's something, anyway. 


JACK: Sure, I know him.


CLIFF: Would he know you?


JACK: Sure. He should.


CLIFF: He should?


JACK: This is his suit I'm wearing. ...


CLIFF: Oh. Oh, just a minute, Jack; perhaps I can help you. What, uh--? What letter of the alphabet does your brother's name begin with?


JACK: Er, starts with a Zee.


CLIFF: A "Z"?


JACK: Zee.


CLIFF: Well, there aren't many names beginning with "Z."


JACK: No. He only needs one. ...


CLIFF: Oh, he does? 


JACK: Yeah.


CLIFF: Well, let's see now. Zebra?


JACK: No.


CLIFF: Zodiac?


JACK: No.


CLIFF: Zybisco?


JACK: No. Please. This is a man, not a cracker. ...


CLIFF: Oh. (CHUCKLES)


JACK: No, not Zee like you said.


CLIFF: Oh, no?


JACK: No, I mean-- (ENUNCIATES) Ay - Bee - Zee.


CLIFF: (REALIZES) Oh, "C"! 


JACK: Zee.


CLIFF: "C." Well, let's see. Charles?


JACK: No. I got it!


CLIFF: You got it?


JACK: Yeah.


CLIFF: What is it?


JACK: Choseph! ...


CLIFF: Why, that's silly, Jack. Joseph doesn't begin with "C."


JACK: No?


CLIFF: Haven't you ever gone to school?


JACK: Oh, sure, I was in school. Only I had to leave school early on account of pneumonia.


CLIFF: Oh, that's too bad. How long were you in bed with it?


JACK: In bed with what?


CLIFF: Pneumonia.


JACK: I wasn't in bed with it.


CLIFF: You just said had to leave school early on account of pneumonia.


JACK: Yeah, I couldn't spell it. ...


CLIFF: The trouble with you, Jack, is you're dizzy. That's what's the matter.


JACK: Oh, I'm dizzy?


CLIFF: Yes, you're dizzy.


JACK: Oh, I want to ask you something. 


CLIFF: What?


JACK: Why is it I'm always dizzy when I look out of a high window?


CLIFF: Well, Jack, that's very easily explained. You see, the brain -- that is, the cerebrum cerebellum-- 


JACK: Mmm.


CLIFF: --is composed of several different compartments.


JACK: Is that so?


CLIFF: Yes. Now, one of these compartments controls the equilibrium.


JACK: Oh, my goodness!


CLIFF: Yes. Now, you see, unless - unless this is highly sensitive, the equilibrium is nil.


JACK: Oh, please!


CLIFF: Or in other words, you - you are suffering with an "altitude complex." 


JACK: Goodness.


CLIFF: I hope I've made myself clear. 


JACK: Yeah! But why is it I'm always dizzy when I look out of a high window? ...


CLIFF: (CHUCKLES) Oh, my. All right, I take back what I said about being dizzy. You're just dumb, that's all.


JACK: Who--? Who's dumb?


CLIFF: You're dumb.


JACK: (IRRITATED) Now, listen, Mr. Shmart-Alecks, I tell you something--!


CLIFF: Now, just a minute--


JACK: Please. Now, wait--!


CLIFF: Now, don't get excited. You'll get high blood pressure.


JACK: (AMUSED) No, not me. I'm anemic. 


CLIFF: Oh, you're anemic. ...


JACK: I'll tell you what I'll do with you. Listen, I never was in school so long I live.


CLIFF: You never went to--?


JACK: No, I tell a big bluff when I say that before. I will bet you five dollars-- Do you hear?


CLIFF: Yes, I hear.


JACK: I will bet you five dollars, mit all your shmartness, I could answer my question, where you could not answer yours. Now, what do you think of that?


CLIFF: Just let me understand. You want to wager me five dollars that you can answer your question, where I can't answer mine?


JACK: Exactly my words.


CLIFF: All right, the bet is on.


JACK: All right, have you got five dollars with you?


CLIFF: Yes, I think so.


JACK: (SHEEPISH) Well, if you win, you'll trust me, huh? 


CLIFF: Okay. (CHUCKLES) ...


JACK: Look, er-- Listen, er-- Did you, er--? Let me see how I will put it. Did you ever vas in the voods?


CLIFF: Did I what?


JACK: Don't you hear good?


CLIFF: Well, yes, I hear you, but I don't understand you.


JACK: Did you ever vas in the voods?


CLIFF: Oh, in the woods?


JACK: Yeah.


CLIFF: Oh, yes, many times.


JACK: Oh, you vas?


CLIFF: Yes.


JACK: Vhen you vas in the voods, did you ever see holes?


CLIFF: Did I ever see what?


JACK: (AMUSED FRUSTRATION) Hm! Why did I ever meet you? ... Did you--? Did you ever see holes?


CLIFF: Oh, holes.


JACK: Holes.


CLIFF: Well, what kind of holes?


JACK: Well, I would say-- (ROLLS HIS "R's" HEAVILY) --rabbit holes.


CLIFF: What kind of holes?


JACK: Rrrrrabbit holes. ...


CLIFF: Rabbit holes? Yes, I've seen rabbit holes.


JACK: Ah, then you have?


CLIFF: Yeah.


JACK: (ENUNCIATES) Do you know--? (QUICKLY) Do you understand what I'm saying?


CLIFF: Yes, I understand.


JACK: Do you know how the rabbit makes that hole without leaving any dirt around it?


CLIFF: Do I know how the rabbit makes the hole without leaving any dirt around it?


JACK: Exactly!


CLIFF: Well, now, that's a very difficult question and I must admit I can't answer it. Can you?


JACK: That is my question and I must answer that one. They start from the bottom and they dig up. (PROUDLY) And I never was in school so long I live!


CLIFF: Ah, but I have you now.


JACK: What?


CLIFF: How does the rabbit get to the bottom in order to dig to the top?


JACK: (TRIUMPHANTLY) Ha ha! That's your question; you answer it! ...


CLIFF: (CHUCKLES)


JACK: Er, ladies and gentlemen, I give you my impression of the late Sam Bernard singing "Rip Van Winkle."


MUSIC: FOR 1914 ALFRED BRYAN-FRED FISCHER SONG ... THEN ACCOMPANIES JACK--


JACK: (SINGS)

Oh, oh, many years ago,

Lived the wife of happy Rip Van Winkle! (Thank you.)

One day, she drove poor Rip away,

As the little stars began to twinkle.

All that he had, he had under his hat,

And she was glad to see him go,

So, over the hills he went,

Left her without a cent,

One thing I'm anxious to know:


Who paid the rent for Mrs. Rip Van Winkle

When Rip Van Winkle went away? 


And while he slept for twenty years, 

Who was it kissed away those tears?


She had no friends in the place, had no one to embrace, 

But the landlord always left her with a smile on her face.


Who paid the rent for Mrs. Rip Van Winkle

When Rip Van Winkle went away? 


MUSIC: SONG ENDS


JACK: Sufficient!


SOUND: APPLAUSE ...


Comments