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Jack Paar Program No. 22

The Jack Paar Program

Program No. 22

Oct 22 1947 





COMMERCIAL NO. 1


SHARBUTT: THE JACK PAAR PROGRAM - presented by LUCKY STRIKE! 


RUYSDAEL: Quality of product is essential to continuing success. 


RIGGS: (CHANT - 57 to 59 - AMERICAN) 


SHARBUTT: For your own real, deep-down smoking enjoyment, remember... 


RUYSDAEL: LS - MFT

LS - MFT 


SHARBUTT: Yes, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco ... and in a cigarette it's the tobacco that counts. 


RUYSDAEL: So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco -- Lucky Strike -- so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw!


BOONE: (CHANT - 57 to 59 - AMERICAN)


MUSIC: ("LUCKY DAY" THEME TO FINISH) 


HY: From Hollywood, Lucky Strike presents the JACK PAAR Program, with Martha Stewart, Jerry Fielding and the Orchestra, yours truly, Hy Averback, and STARRING America's new young humorist - JACK PAAR! 


MUSIC: ("PAAR THEME") ... (HIT FULL) ... (APPLAUSE) ... (APPLAUSE)


(FADE FOR:)


PAAR: Thank you very much...............Hello, this is Jack Paar. Uh-uh, uh! Don't touch that dial -- immediately after this program there will be entertainment.............. As no one guessed the big question last week, tonight's giant jack pot amounts to 634 pictures of F. E. Boone............... Incidentally, friends, there will be no autographs tonight. Sometime ago a little old lady asked me to sign something for her, and I've been on Lydia Pinkham's mailing list ever since....................... 


Well, let's look at the week's news. From the society pages I learn that James R. Pinkney the 3rd and Marjorie Van Flintridge were seen holding hands at lunch yesterday, and today guess what Marjorie has on the third finger of her left hand?.......Mustard!........................... The newest thing in California is a television set in every cocktail lounge where you in tune in the football games. I heard of one football fan who takes his television set to the games and tunes in cocktail lounges!


HY: Say, Jack, did you hear Fred Allen this week? 


PAAR: Fred Allen? You mean Freddie Allen the old M.C. of the A&P Gypsies? Is he still on the air? I remember him during the days of silent radio. I thought he went out when Vitaphone came in.


HY: No, Jack, Fred Allen's got a great program. Real live people and everything.


PAAR: (Not at the straight lines, now. In radio you only laugh when the flag goes up.) The Fred Allen program is live? I thought the show was done with SLIDES! (The flag is up, friends.)


HY: No, it's a swell show. Jokes, comedy, ad libs ---


PAAR: Ad libs? Mr. Allen is still talking off the cuff? Mr. Allen has written so many jokes on his cuff that his laundryman is the funniest man in Chinatown.


HY: Jack, you are a mad, mad, thing! I heard Fred's program last Sunday. He called you the male Joan Davis.


PAAR: Allen is on the air on Sunday? I've dialed past it. I thought they were just testing the network for "Manhattan Merry-go-round."....................Well, so much for Fred Allen, the one-man Lum and Abner............. With elections coming on, we're hearing more and more about politics and politicians. I understand that Congress is returning to Washington early this year....they're calling a special session of Walter Winchell. Let's listen to two Senators talking and see what they're thinking as well as what they are saying.


MUSIC: (SHORT BRIDGE) 


HY: (SOUTHERN) Howdy, Senator! That was a mighty fine speech you made today. There's talk goin' around about you bein' Presidential timber.

(TIMBER! THIS GUY IS DEAD WOOD!) 

Yessuh, they're comparing you with Patrick Henry!


PAAR: Why, thank you, Senator. That's very flattering. 

(WHO'S PATRICK HENRY?)


HY: Been very busy going through all the mail from my grateful constituents. 

(THOSE THREATENING LETTERS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!)


PAAR: Senator, you've always had a fine platform.

(I WISH THEY HAD A TRAP DOOR ON IT.)


HY: Yes, my name has been mentioned in connection with the forthcoming Presidential election.

(I'M THE ONE WHO MENTIONED IT!) 


PAAR: By the way, Senator, how do you feel about veterans housing? 

(THIS'LL BE GOOD. HE'S STILL YELLING FOR RE-INFORCEMENTS AT GETTYSBURG!) 


HY: Well, Senator, before I decide how to vote on a question, I always ask myself, "What is Right?" 

(THEN I GO SEE THE PARTY CHAIRMAN AND HE TELLS ME.)


PAAR: Ah, yes, you're indeed a man who puts public welfare above normal personal profit.


HY: Thank you, Senator. You, too, are a man who puts country above self.


HY & PARR: (TOGETHER) (THAT'S A JOKE, SON!)


MUSIC: (PLAYOFF) 


(APPLAUSE)


PAAR: You may have noticed that Jerry Fielding, our maestro, is letting his sideburns grow. He informs me that he's working on a new cure for baldness. When the sideburns grow long enough to hang below his jawline, he is going to tie the flaps together and strap his head in! 


I am a mad, mad thing!


Here's Jerry and the orchestra with ... "I Want To Be Happy". 


MUSIC: (ORCH: SELECTION)


(APPLAUSE) 


PAAR: (OVER APPLAUSE) Thank you, Jerry!


HY: As an educational feature, we bring you Jack Paar's Report to the Consumer.....Volume 1 Number 5.....Yachts.


MUSIC: (INTRO) 


PAAR: Friends, a recent survey reveals that 98% of the people in this country own their own yachts. The yachting and boating industry has become second only to the manufacturer of shower curtains for bird baths. Never have yachts been so plentiful since the days of Robert Fulton, who, as you know, invented the steamboat, the Fulton Fish Market, and Fulton Lewis, Junior..........Everyone's a yacht enthusiast these days.....President Truman, Errol Flynn...even Guy Lombardo has a yacht. Many is the day I've seen his boat go whizzing across the lake.


SOUND: MOTORBOAT 


MUSIC: (LOMBARDO ENDING)


PAAR: So long, Carmen. But why the sudden popularity of yachts.....Even the college kid has traded in his jalopy for a hot rod with oars. But what is the real story behind yachts? 


HY: For an intimate glimpse behind the scenes of yacht building, we take you now to the private offices of the Busy Bee Yacht Company, famous for their three types of boats....The Flotillo -- that's for making speed records; the Endillo -- for endurance records, and the Petrillo....for no records of any kind.


MUSIC: (YOU FIGURE IT OUT BRIDGE) 


PAAR: Gentlemen, I'm happy to report that the Busy Bee Yacht Company is having a banner year .


HY: How many yachts have we sold?


PAAR: No yachts...just banners! Is Mr. Grapple our efficiency expert here?


HANS: Yes, J.P., and I have the statistics right at my elbow.


PAAR: Doesn't that make your sleeve rather lumpy? 


HANS: Very good, J.P. Gad, what a sense of humor. Nevertheless, our new speedboat is ready for the market. 


PAAR: Excellent. What is the price?


HANS: It will cost a customer $160,000 .... or a dollar twenty five if you buy the kit and assemble it yourself.


PAAR: There's something frightening about you, Grapple. Must you wash your socks in the ink well?.....And now, gentlemen, for our sales' report. Miss Turtleneck, where is the sales map? 


DORIS: Right here on the wall, skipper. The red pins represent our salesmen, and the green pins represent our saleswomen. 


PAAR: I see. But what is this red pin and green pin doing together in Kansas City? 


DORIS: Please, J.P....they're married.........That reminds me...I must put a safety pin there. 


PAAR: Thank you, Miss Turtleneck. We're now adding some new salesmen. We'll put this pin in Vermont, this one in Texas, and this one in Virginia.....


FLO: (SCREAMS) 


PAAR: Ooops, sorry, Virginia.....Miss Turtleneck, these walls are much too thin. 


MUSIC: (STINGER)


HY: And what happens when the yacht salesman takes to the road. Let's look in on a typical sale. Our scene is the thriving town of Death Valley, Arizona. 


SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR.....DOOR OPENS


FLO: Howdy, pardner.


HANS: Good morning, madam. Mind if I bring my yacht in the living room for a demonstration?


FLO: Ain't got time, pardner. This is the branding season, y'know. 


HANS: Very interesting. What's your brand?


FLO: Old Grand Dad --- what's yours? 


HANS: Madam, I've come to speak to you about the new Busy Bee yacht.


FLO: Ain't interested --- and take that funnel out of the doorway.


HANS: Don't be hasty, Madam --- Did you know that the Busy Bee is the only yacht that features an anchor that floats?


FLO: An anchor that floats? What good's that?


HANS: What good? Shows where the yacht went down. 


MUSIC: (STINGER) 


PAAR: But as in the case of most products, the best way to sell yachts is by advertising. Thus, a new commercial is born. 


MUSIC: (FANFARE)


HY: The Busy Bee Yachts are selling like hotcakes. Ask your baker for some today. Take advantage of our big spring offer. With every yacht purchased, you get a big spring. And remember, Busy Bee has proved itself. It is the only yacht guaranteed not to leak in a plane!!


PAAR: Friends, this week we're having a special introductory offer -- with every boat purchased you get a free set of ten swimming lessons. WHY BE HALF SAFE?


PAAR: There's a Busy Bee Yacht to fit your purse. Of course, some are larger. And if you buy our high-priced model, you get a free bottle of champagne to launch it. With our medium-priced bottle you got a free bottle of wine. And with our cheap model, we give you a grape and you can squeeze it yourself. Now, let us listen to what a satisfied customer has to say. He just launched his Busy Bee Yacht today. Greetings, Mr. Goober.


BARRY: Hello. 


PAAR: I understand you just launched your boat.


BARRY: Yes...but I think it leaks a little. 


PAAR: Ridiculous -- a Busy Bee Yacht leaking! How can you say that? 


BARRY: Do you wanna see where the fish bit me?


MUSIC: (PLAYOFF) 


(APPLAUSE)


COMMERCIAL NO. 2


RUYSDAEL: Quality of product is essential to continuing success. 


SHARBUTT: An outstanding Example. Lucky Strike!


RUYSDAEL: Here's one thing you can always be sure of: In a cigarette it's the tobacco that counts and Lucky Strike means fine tobacco -- Yes, year-in, year-out....consistently...Lucky Strike means fine tobacco.


RIGGS: (CHANTS - 57 to 59 - AMERICAN) 


SHARBUTT: LUCKY STRIKE PRESENTS - THE MAN WHO KNOWS! Mr. John Cummins of Cynthiana, Kentucky, has sold, basket by basket, over 79 million pounds of tobacco at auction. He recently had this to say:


VOICE: I've sold tobacco at auctions for over 19 years. In all that time I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike buy fine tobacco...tobacco that's got quality, real quality. I've smoked Luckies myself for 22 years. 


SHARBUTT: Year after year, independent tobacco experts like Mr. Cummins can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. Remember: In a cigarette it's the tobacco that counts...and Lucky Strike means fine tobacco


RUYSDAEL: LS - MFT

LS - MFT 


SHARBUTT: Yes, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco -- and fine tobacco means real, deep-down smoking enjoyment for you. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco -- Lucky Strike, so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw.


MUSIC: (PLAYON) 


MARTHA: Say, Jack....


PAAR: Well, Martha Stewart...what's on your mind, Martha? 


MARTHA: These wild jokes of yours...who writes this mad, mad program? 


PAAR: Oh, we have a mad, mad writer. He types the whole show with his feet. You see, he's saving his hands for his other job.


MARTHA: His other job? 


PAAR: Yes...he's a tap dancer. Oh, he's a mad, mad boy. By the way, what mad, mad song are you going to sing tonight? 


MARTHA: Stanley Steamer.


PAAR: What a coincidence - that's the name of my writer. Where did you get the song?


MARTHA: A short fellow gave it to me in the hall..Nice chap, smoke was pouring out of his ears.


PAAR: That's Stanley....Sing, Martha. 


MUSIC: (STANLEY STEAMER)


(APPLAUSE) 


PAAR: (OVER APPLAUSE) Thank you, Martha!


PAAR: Friends, there's a new kind of detective on the air now called a private eye. He's sort of a Peeping Tom with a license...(You'd better laugh longer or you'll be 15 minutes early to the bus tonight.) You've all heard "The Thin Man," "The Fat man," "The Man Called X," and "A Man Called Jordan." Tonight we bring you another man. We leave it up to you what to call him.


MUSIC: (MOOD MUSIC) (FADE FOR)


PAAR: Yeah, I'm Jack Paar, private eye -- no job too small, no dame too tall...But I'm getting ahead of my story. I was sitting in my office when the door opened and SHE walked in. She was a gorgeous redhead, and when I noticed the scratches on her face, the lump under her eye, the cut on her lip, and the blood on her shoes, somehow, I sensed she was in trouble.....she walked up to me and said:


GIRL: (FLO) (MYSTERIOUSLY) Hello, Big Boy. Does the Dragon's Ear mean anything to you? 


PAAR: No, but I imagine it means a lot to the Dragon. 


GIRL: It's a secret society and they've been blackmailing me. Unless I give them five hundred thousand dollars, they threaten to chop all my toes off.


PAAR: Five hundred thousand dollars is a lot of money. Can you raise it?


GIRL: No. Four hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-two dollars was all I could scrape together.


PAAR: Eight dollars short, eh? That's bad. 


GIRL: I was thinking of going to the police. 


PAAR: They won't lend you a dime...But, don't worry, Red, I'll take your case.


GIRL: But I have no money. How can I ever pay you?


PAAR: Leave that to me. I'll think of something...Now, you go home and sit tight, and if you have to go out, don't wear any open toed shoes.


MUSIC: (BRIDGE) 


PAAR: I walked the redhead to her car and then started back to my office. As I strolled into the building, I exchanged knowing looks with Joe, the elevator operator. If you could have seen Joe's face, you'd know I didn't get the best of the exchange...I had saved Joe's life one night. As I was about to push him into an open elevator shaft, I thought of his wife and kids and stopped. Joe never ceased being grateful. He came over to me and said:


JOE: (JAY) Fellow looking for you this morning, Mr. Paar.


PAAR: What did he look like, Joe? 


JOE: Oh, just another guy in a crowd, wearing a Brooks Brothers suit with purple stripes, white tennis shoes, wing collar, black tie, and a television set strapped to his back... 


PAAR: I see. Did you notice anything strange about him?


JOE: No. It could have been anyone...On his way out, he dropped a remark about taking your life.


PAAR: Oh. Well, if he comes back, tell him I haven't finished reading it yet.


MUSIC: (SUSPENSE STING) 


PAAR: I turned away from Joe and went to the stairs. I walked up three flights, down one, up one, and then down one, and entered my office. A guy in my racket can't be too careful. When I felt the cold nozzle of a gun suddenly jab into the back of my neck, a fist crashed into my face, and a rope tighten around my throat, I realized that I wasn't alone. I raised my hands and slowly turned around. There were two of them---ugly customers. One of them hissed:


1ST MAN: (HY) (TOUGH) What's yer name, chum? 


PAAR: I'm Jack Paar, private eye. 


1ST MAN: Well, we're gonna close it for you.


PAAR: Now, let's not be hasty. Let's talk this over. Won't you gentlemen have a chair? 


2ND MAN: (DAVE) No thanks, we'll just use our blackjacks...Let him have it, Lefty!


SOUND: KICKING...SCUFFING WITH MORE "OUCHES" FROM PAAR 


MUSIC: (UP INTO LOST WEEKEND EFFECT FADE FOR)


PAAR: They were big fellows; each one over six foot tall in his stockinged feet. And when they started kicking me I was glad they weren't wearing shoes...I dozed off into sweet, merciful unconsciousness. When I came to, I found a new part in my hair --- four inches deep. Needing a drink, I staggered to my desk. But instead of the bourbon, I found the body of a man neatly stuffed into the drawer. He was packed in olive oil...I judged he had been murdered recently because the cigarette in his hand was still burning. Why had the body of a strange man been planted in my office? Suddenly the door opened and in walked Inspector O'Toole and Inspector O'Brien of the O'Homicide Squad. It dawned on me then that I was being framed. O'Brien walked over and looked at the body.


O'BRIEN: (HANS) Friend of yours, Paar?


PAAR: O'Brien, you've got to believe me! I never saw him before!


O'BRIEN: Then what's he doin' in your drawer?


PAAR: (HYSTERICALLY) It's a frame-up! A frame, I tell you! You know I wouldn't lie to you, O'Brien! Gimme a break! Please! You gotta gimme a break! O'Brien, I always played square with you! Please (SOBBING) please, don't take me in!...(ASIDE) And Fred Allen thinks I'm too young to be a good actor!


O'BRIEN: Wait a minute! Somebody's coming in! 


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


PAAR: It's my client, the red headed girl!


O'BRIEN: I like your taste, Paar. Sister, come over here and take a look at the guy in this drawer. 


GIRL: Okay...........(SCREAMS LOUDLY) Charlie!


O'BRIEN: Oho! So you recognize the body, eh? 


GIRL: I never saw that man before in my life.


PAAR: Then why did you call him Charlie? 


GIRL: When you don't know a guy, one name is as good as another.


PAAR: Now look here, O'Brien, give me twenty-four hours and I'll give you the murderer.


O'BRIEN: How do I know you're levelling, Paar? 


PAAR: Remember the Sullivan case? I pulled your chestnuts out of the fire that time, didn't I? 


O'BRIEN: Yeah, but we never found out who killed Sullivan. All I got was a few measly hot chestnuts. Okay, Paar, I'll give you twenty-four hours. In the meantime, I'll question the redhead.


PAAR: Wait a minute, O'Brien, I've got a better idea. You take the twenty-four hours, and I'll question the redhead.


O'BRIEN: Oh no you don't! Come on, Babe. You're goin' with the law!


MUSIC: (BRIDGE FADE FOR) 


PAAR: As they walked out, I turned around to look at the dead man again, and he was gone. I knew that in his condition he couldn't have gone far. Suddenly, a blackjack came down on my head. Millions of lights exploded in my brain

in a brilliant display of Technicolor. The Technicolor sequence was under the direction of Natalie Kalmus ... When I came to, I went downstairs and saw Joe the elevator operator and suddenly, I had the solution to the whole case. I pulled my gun on Joe and took him down to headquarters...Inspector O'Brien was still questioning the redhead and she was so surprised to see me, she nearly fell off his lap. I pushed Joe into the office, O'Brien said:


O'BRIEN: Who is this guy, Paar? And why don't you knock?


PAAR: He's the murderer and pardon me...His name is Joe. He and the redhead have been in cahoots together.


GIRL: That's a lie! I never been in Cahoots in my life...I never been further West than Jersey City!


PAAR: Quiet, you! Now, come on, Joe. Start talking!


JOE: (HYSTERICALLY) All right! I'll talk! I'll confess! But please don't hit me again! I killed him! But please, please, don't hit me any more. 


PAAR: What are you talking about? We haven't laid a finger on you, yet. 


JOE: Well, I don't want to wait until the last minute. 


O'BRIEN: Okay, we've got his confession! Take 'em away, men!


SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.....DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES 


O'BRIEN: I gotta hand it to you, Paar. You did it again. But tell me, how did you know Joe was the murderer? 


PAAR: Well you see O'Brien, Joe was the elevator operator in my building and I've been suspicious of him for a long time. 


O'BRIEN: What made you suspicious? 


PAAR: There are no elevators in the building?


MUSIC: (PLAYOFF #3) 


(APPLAUSE)


HY: Jack Paar will be back in just a moment, but first....


COMMERCIAL NO. 3


RUYSDAEL: LS - MFT 


SHARBUTT: Lucky Strike means fine tobacco and fine tobacco is what counts in a cigarette. Remember what happens at the tobacco auctions? 


BOONE: (CHANT - 57 to 59 - FAST SALES - FADING QUICKLY TO BACKGROUND NOISE) 


SHARBUTT: At auction after auction, year after year, independent tobacco experts - the impartial judges of tobacco quality - can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. (CHANT UP 59 - AMERICAN AND OUT FAST)


RUYSDAEL: LUCKY STRIKE PRESENTS - THE MAN WHO KNOWS! Mr. Fred Leonard Evans, independent tobacco buyer of Danville, Virginia, who has attended more than 3 thousand auctions. A recognized authority on tobacco - Mr. Evans said: 


VOICE: At every auction I've attended, year after year, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike buy fine quality leaf... that fine, ripe, mellow tobacco you can't beat for top smokin' quality. I've smoked Luckies myself for 19 years.


SHARBUTT: Yes, friends - those were the words of a man who has spent 25 years as a tobacco buyer. So for your own real, deep-down smoking enjoyment - remember....


RUYSDAEL: LS - MFT


SHARBUTT: Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. First, last, always.....


RUYSDAEL: LS - MFT


SHARBUTT: Lucky Strike means fine tobacco and in a cigarette it's the tobacco that counts.


RUYSDAEL: So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco -- Lucky Strike -- so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw.


MUSIC: (PAAR THEME....HIT...FADE ON CUE) 


HY: Tune in again next week for another Jack Paar Show with Martha Stewart, Jerry Fielding and the Orchestra, Florence Halop, Hans Conried, Doris Singleton, and yours truly, Hy Averback. Jack Paar is under contract to R.K.O. and his latest picture may be seen in...uh...say Jack, where can your latest picture be seen?


PAAR: Turned to the wall at Fred Allen's house. Good night, everybody.


(APPLAUSE) 


MUSIC: ("LUCKY DAY" THEME...HIT...AND FADE ON CUE..HOLD UNDER) 


HY: Martha Stewart appears by arrangement with Twentieth Century-Fox, producers of "Nightmare Alley." 


MUSIC: (UP TO FILL)


ANNCR: THIS IS ABC...THE AMERICAN BROADCASTING COMPANY.


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