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Irma Writes a Column

My Friend Irma

Irma Writes a Column (#2)

Jun 23 1953






CAST


The CBS Team:

1ST ANNOUNCER, Bob Lemond

2ND ANNOUNCER, John Jacobs


Dramatis Personae:

IRMA, beautiful but very dumb

JANE, her best friend and roommate

MRS. O'REILLY, their large Irish landlady

MAESTRO WANDERKIN, their underweight Russian-Jewish neighbor

AL, Irma's no-account boyfriend

SCARLETT SCHULTZ, Irma's friend 

MR. CLYDE, Irma's boss

SERGEANT 

MAN 1

MAN 2

MAN 3






1ST ANNCR: CAVALIER Cigarettes... 


2ND ANNCR: CAVALIER Cigarettes.... 


1ST ANNCR: America's great new King-size Cigarettes... 


2ND ANNCR: Bring you - MY FRIEND IRMA ... 


1ST ANNCR: Created by Cy Howard, transcribed from Hollywood, and starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Cathy Lewis as Jane. 


(APPLAUSE)


MUSIC: JANE THEME


JANE: My name is Jane Stacy and I don't like to brag, but I have nerves of steel...I could see a pink dragon on a pogo stick playing hopscotch and it wouldn't phase me a bit...you see, nothing surprises me...Why? Because, you see, I live with Irma Peterson, the strangest creature of them all. Honestly the things this blonde bone head comes up with...take the other day. I said to Irma, "Sweetie it's Richard's birthday and I'm thinking of getting him a silent butler for his office"...and Irma said--


IRMA: Well, I guess a silent butler's okay, but maybe he'd rather have someone he can talk to.


1ST ANNCR: Friends, how can you tell when a cigarette is really mild? Don't confuse cigarette mildness with lack of flavor! When you try new, flavorful, king-size Cavaliers, you know they're mild because their smoke feels so mild when you inhale! Yes, Cavaliers' smoke feels extra mild, and tastes so good! 


2ND ANNCR: Try king-size Cavaliers! See why, when thousands of people compared king-size Cavaliers with the cigarette they'd been smoking, 8 out of 10 said Cavaliers are milder!


MUSIC: THEME 


IRMA: Now, let me see...Eleanor Roosevelt calls her column "My Day".


JANE: What's this? 


IRMA: Since I'm writing a gossip column, I think I'll call mine "Inside the Keyhole Looking Out".


JANE: "Inside the Keyhole Looking Out"?? Isn't that rather drafty? Irma, what are you raving about? 


IRMA: Oh, Jane, didn't you know? I'm writing a column.


JANE: Yes, and I'm fighting Rocky Marciano on Mother's Day. 


IRMA: No, I'm serious. Read this letter. 


JANE: Let me see..."Miss Irma Peterson...we have your note in which you state that our paper, the "West-side Shopper" lacks appeal for women. We would welcome any contribution our readers can make...be it a sentence, a paragraph, a column." 


IRMA: And look what it says here. "Naturally as far as payment is concerned you must understand it will be great." 


JANE: Where? Irma...it says as far as payment is concerned it will be gratis.


IRMA: Gratis! Oh, that's better than great! That's the gratis of them all. 


JANE: Gratis means for nothing.


IRMA: You mean they won't pay me for my column? 


JANE: Well, Irma, this newspaper is given away for nothing..and with a column by you in it, they may find it hard to get that price.


IRMA: Jane, I don't think that's very complimentary.


JANE: Irma, don't get carried away by this letter...just forget the whole thing.


IRMA: No sir...I'm going to become a columnist...Look what it did for Walter Winchell. It put him in radio, television and all the ships at sea. Imagine all the free boat rides I'll get.


JANE: How's that again?


IRMA: Look what it did for Eleanor Roosevelt...She became so famous that they made her husband president. 


JANE: Irma.


IRMA: I'm not going let you discourage me...I've already written my first column and I think it's pretty good. Why don't you look at it? 


JANE: All right...let me see. "Inside the Keyhole Looking Out" by Irma Peterson. (READS) Today was a lovely day...the sun was shining...the snap dragons were snapping, the hollyhocks were hocking...and the daffodils were daffy. I felt so at home with my flowers.


IRMA: I have talent, haven't I, Jane?


JANE: Yes, and nerve too!


IRMA: Read on.


JANE: I'll try. (READS) I woke up early and for breakfast had juice, toast, eggs, and three friends with coffee...Did you dunk them?


IRMA: Why don't you read on? 


JANE: All right..maybe there's a trace of oxygen somewhere in this carbon monoxide. BEAUTY HINTS. Girls, to have a lovely figure, do as I do. Bend down and touch your toes ten times. If you have extra long toes, stand back a little, as this is cheating. TO HAVE BEAUTIFUL HAIR, Wash your head with beer. Keep your mouth closed during this treatment as this may prove to be habit-forming. 


IRMA: I like this one I wrote. Do you mind if I read it over your shoulder?


JANE: No, be my guest.


IRMA: (READS) Ladies, if you feel that your ears are too long, try wearing your earrings on top of your ears. This will pull them up. Stop when it reaches the height of your head. And remember, wrinkles are caused by thinking. All my friends say I have lovely skin.


JANE: Irma, I thought you were writing a gossip column.


IRMA: Oh, certainly. That comes next.


JANE: Honey, before you start reading...how can you write gossip? You don't know any important people.


IRMA: I don't? I guess Loreilie Schmerbaum isn't anybody.


JANE: Loreilie Schmerbaum?? How did she ever get the name "Loreilie"?????


IRMA: She sits on the rocks in front of her house and whistles at fellas.


JANE: Oh, well, that is an item!


IRMA: Well, I've got dozens like that...See what I wrote here under SOCIAL ITEMS?...Amber Lipscott, well known girl sand-hog, was trapped under the Hudson River for three hours. She was rescued by Freddie Fulton, prominent frogman, and they have been jumping around together ever since.


SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR 


JANE: If this is Elsa Maxwell with a gun, please come in.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


JANE: Oh, Mrs. O'Reilly. 


MRS. O: Girls, wait till you hear the news...... 


IRMA: Wait...don't say anything until I get my pencil. 


MRS. O: Pencil? 


JANE: Yes...Irma's doing a column for the West-side Shopper. 


MRS. O: Oh, I read that paper every day...where's your column going to be, Irma? 


JANE: On the page where they have second hand bargains. 


IRMA: It is not..I'm going to alternate with the obituary column...when nobody dies they're going to use my stuff. 


JANE: Maybe we ought to go around poisoning people. 


IRMA: Janie, you're being cruel again. 


MRS. O: Well, she has nothing to lose..personally I think it's a lot of fun writing about who was seen with whom...what was seen where and why...When my late husband, Officer Clancy, was courting me, our names were always in the columns. 


JANE: Not really.


MRS. O: Yes...it always said, "What handsome officer was seen with which?" ...


JANE: With which?


MRS. O: Yes...and they always made the same typographical error..They spelled it, W-I-T-C-H.


IRMA: Well, Mrs. O'Reilly, my column's going to contain beauty hints...You always say you have a lot of beauty secrets..Would you give me some? 


MRS. O: I'd be glad to, dearie. Now a lot of girls have red hair like mine and they want to keep it naturally red...so all you do is take the juice of three tomatoes..


IRMA: Yes..


MRS. O: Chop up two beets...add a half a cup of ketchup and a dash of A-1 sauce...and just rub it into the scalp...It's simple and the whole thing costs about thirty-five cents. 


JANE: Is that A-la-carte or on the dinner? 


SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR 


WAND: (OFF) Is Mrs. O'Reilly in there? 


MRS. O: Yes..come in. 


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


MRS. O: What is it, Maestro? 


WAND: Mrs. O'Reilly, did you ever hear about the little boy who held his finger in the hole in the dyke? 


MRS. O: Yes. 


WAND: Well, you better send for him - the pipe in my room is leaking again. 


MRS. O: I know...I've already sent for the plumber...Irma darling, have you written any of your column yet? 


IRMA: Yes, I read most of it to Jane...Now I wrote this under COOKING HINTS.


JANE: Cooking hints? 


IRMA: Yes...(READS) To all housewives...many of you have trouble stuffing a turkey because it is so dark inside the bird...We suggest you pull the turkey inside out, stuff it on the outside and then shove it back into place again. 


WAND: Wait a minute...wait a minute...did I hear right...you're writing a column? 


IRMA: Yes...for the West-side Shopper.


WAND: Oh, this can ruin my health.


JANE: What do you mean?


WAND: I buy a herring twice a week and they wrap it in that newspaper.


IRMA: You wouldn't make that remark to Mrs. Roosevelt.


WAND: Oh, so that's where you got the idea...


JANE: Maestro, tell her she's not cut out for it...she thinks I'm against her. 


MRS. O: Well, why should we criticize her? She might have fun writing choice bits of gossip about the people in the neighborhood...


WAND: Such as...


MRS. O: Well..cute little things like..."When Maestro Wanderkin is near Kathleen O'Reilly, the air is full of electricity." (GIGGLES) 


WAND: Why do you say it's electricity...is it because you are built like a turbine...or because that face of yours is enough to shock anybody? 


MRS. O: Now wait a minute, you leftover from a dog's dinner...


IRMA: Stop it...do you hear...stop it...I won't print a word about either of you in my column.


JANE: There's a little object lesson for you, sweetie...not only can you break up people's lives by what you print in the paper, but you can be sued...and don't you forget it. 


IRMA: Sued? 


JANE: Yes...if you print anything that's untrue, that's libel. 


IRMA: Go on, Jane..finish the sentence...That's liable to what? 


JANE: No, honey..libel is slander in the written form. 


IRMA: I don't understand. 


WAND: Let me explain. If I should say Mrs. O'Reilly is ninety years old, that is slander. 


MRS. O: I should say so. 


WAND: But if I print that she's ninety years old, this is libel. 


MRS. O: Indeed.


WAND: However, if I add them both together and say she is a hundred and eighty...this is neither slander nor libel...This is an historical fact. 


SOUND: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS


WAND: Goodbye, girls. 


SOUND: DOOR SLAM


MRS. O: I'm gettin' right after him..and Irma, if you print anything about me, print me true age. Thirty-nine. Goodbye.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES


IRMA: Thirty-nine? Jane, is that slander or libel? 


JANE: Honey, that's neither...that's hallucinations.


SOUND: PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP 


JANE: Hello..yes...just a minute..it's for you, Irma. 


IRMA: Thanks. Hello...who is this...West-side Shopper..(ASIDE) Oh, Jane, it's my editor, Mr. Fletcher...Yes, Mr. Fletcher...I'm getting my column ready...What? Oh..that's too bad...Why don't you call the zoo... 


JANE: The zoo? What are you talking about? 


IRMA: He says they have a dead lion at the office. 


JANE: That's a dead-line.


IRMA: Well, don't yell at me...I didn't kill it.


JANE: Give me the phone...hello...yes, Mr. Fletcher...she misunderstood you...I'm her roommate, Jane Stacy..I see..you say it's very nice of her to volunteer to do this column for nothing...well, I'm sure you'll get your money's worth...I mean...she'll have it by tomorrow...I see...choice bits of neighborhood gossip. All right, Mr. Fletcher. I'll tell her. Goodbye. 


SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN


IRMA: He wants the column by tomorrow...Why can't I turn in the one I already wrote? 


JANE: Why? Irma, on the masthead of the Westside Shopper is a small picture of Washington crossing the Delaware. Do you want him to jump into the water?


IRMA: What shall I do? 


JANE: Write a new one. Fletcher wants neighborhood gossip. Just go to all the places you know and find out what's new. 


IRMA: All right...I'll go to Schultz, the butcher...Mr. Wong, the laundry man. Then I'll visit Hogan's fish market...and I'll hang around Spike's pool room for a couple of hours. Jane? 


JANE: What is it? 


IRMA: Are you sure Mrs. Roosevelt started this way? 


JANE: Oh, get out of here.


MUSIC: PLAYOFF


SOUND: (APPLAUSE)


1ST ANNCR: Wherever you go these days, you see people smoking Cavaliers, the great, new, king-size cigarette made by the makers of Camels. If you ask a Cavalier smoker why he changed to Cavaliers, he'll probably tell you: 


2ND ANNCR: Cavaliers are the first extra mild cigarette I've found that gives me all the fine flavor I want!


1ST ANNCR: Yes, king-size Cavaliers are extra mild, and you can feel they're extra-mild when you inhale! Cavaliers' mildness is where it counts...in the smooth, light-and-easy feel of the smoke. And there's all the fine flavor you ever wanted in Cavaliers' taste


2ND ANNCR: You know, thousands of smokers from coast to coast compared king-size Cavaliers with the cigarettes they'd been smoking...and 8 out of 10 said Cavaliers are milder! 


1ST ANNCR: This amazing record isn't so surprising when you remember that Cavaliers are made by the makers of Camels...blended of supremely fine, light, mild tobaccos. 


2ND ANNCR: So try king-size Cavaliers. Inhale! Feel that smooth, easy Cavalier mildness! Taste all that fine Cavalier flavor. Learn what it means to enjoy a cigarette in every way! 


1ST ANNCR: Cavaliers give you extra length and extra value at no extra cost. Although they're king-size, Cavaliers are priced no higher than leading regular-size brands!


MUSIC: JANE THEME


JANE: Walter Winchell..beware. Ed Sullivan, watch out. Sidney Skolsky..look for a new job. Louis Sobol...save your money. Boys, you're in a lot of trouble, because today Irma Peterson begins her new column for the West Side Shopper. Yep, there she is at the kitchen table assorting her first scoops. Irma, did you get anything good? 


IRMA: Yes...several items. The Jones baby has measles and Mr. Klotz, the baker was the first to notice it. So I'm writing it in newspaper style. 


JANE: Newspaper style? 


IRMA: Yes. "Klotz Spots Tot's Dots." 


JANE: Klotz spots tot's dots? Honey, why don't you jump out that window and land on that cab so you can write "Whack's back smacks hack". 


IRMA: But, Jane, a columnist must have a certain style...you know, a flavor.


JANE: Your writing does have a flavor..but so does an unripe persimmon...what other items did you pick up? 


IRMA: Well, I thought I'd write something about the big fire this morning. 


JANE: Now you're talking..a five alarm fire...that's news...what did you write? 


IRMA: (READS) There was a fire on 74th Street..I watched it from the restaurant across the way...their prices are very reasonable..hash is only thirty-five cents.


JANE: Is that all you wrote? 


IRMA: Well, that's all I ate.


JANE: Irma Peterson, for some crazy reason, I told Mr. Fletcher of the Westside Shopper that you'd have a column ready by six o'clock. If this is all the stuff you have collected, I better call him right now and tell him to pad the obituary column with undertaker jokes. 


IRMA: No, Jane...please don't...I'm going out for more news. And I won't have as much trouble now. 


JANE: What do you mean? 


IRMA: Well, people didn't believe I was a real newspaper woman but now I have a press card. 


JANE: A press card?...let me see...Press...50..but Irma. This is 53. 


IRMA: I know, Jane..this card used to say "pants pressed, 50 cents"..but I tore off the pants... 


ORCH: STINGER


SOUND: STREET NOISES ... FOOTSTEPS 


SCARLETT: (CALLS) Oh, Irma...Yoo-hoo.


IRMA: Oh, it's Scarlett Schultz...Scarlett, you're just the person I wanted to see. 


SCARLETT: Why? 


IRMA: I've become a columnist for the West-Side Shopper and I need some gossip. 


SCARLETT: Well, you certainly came to the right person because I have just joined the Gwissenbees. 


IRMA: The Gwissenbees? 


SCARLETT: Yes. It's our new girls club. 


IRMA: How do you spell it? 


SCARLETT: G-W-S-N-B-M-Y. 


IRMA: G-W-S-N-B-M-Y? What do the letters stand for? 


SCARLETT: Girls-Who-Say-No-But-Mean-Yes...and believe me, since I've joined this club I get so much dirt that I could sell my ears to True Confessions magazine. Do you remember Penelope Cistern? 


IRMA: Oh, yes..didn't she just get engaged?


SCARLETT: Yes..to Guy Shimmelbacher..well, they broke off...she found lipstick on his handkerchief.


IRMA: Didn't he have an alibi?


SCARLETT: Yeah, but not a very good one..He said some woman was choking to death on a quarter and he was trying to get it out of her throat. So now she's going around with Harvey Gruskin.


IRMA: But I thought Harvey was going with Mamie Schwab.


SCARLETT: Didn't you hear what happened with Mamie...She's practically bald...She had a job in a defense plant and her hair got caught in a conveyor belt. ...


IRMA: Oh, my goodness.


SCARLETT: It took them almost six hours to get her out..of course, she got paid for overtime.


IRMA: Wait till I make a note of it. 


SCARLETT: Naturally you heard the news about me.


IRMA: What news...Oh, Scarlett, I didn't notice...you're wearing an engagement ring. 


SCARLETT: (GIGGLES) Yes, how do you like it? 


IRMA: Oh, it's lovely. What an unusual ring. Is that a diamond? 


SCARLETT: No, it's granite..my boyfriend's a tombstone cutter. Well, I gotta go, Irma...I'll be looking for your column. 


IRMA: I haven't got enough material yet.


SCARLETT: Well dearie, if you want all the goings on, go to the police station...everybody who is anybody in this neighborhood is there at least once a week.


IRMA: Oh, that's a wonderful idea...I'm going right down..Tell me, Scarlett, when do you and your boyfriend plan to get married?


SCARLETT: In August.


IRMA: I thought you were going to get married in July.


SCARLETT: That's when he has his vacation and he wants to have fun then. Bye, Irma.


IRMA: Bye, Scarlett.


MUSIC: STINGER


JANE: Is that you, Cookie?


IRMA: Yes, Jane, and I still don't have enough material for my column. Scarlett Schultz thinks I should go to the police station.


JANE: No, Irma, it's not necessary for you to go down to the police station. Wait until your column is printed...they'll come for you. 


IRMA: Jane, this isn't helping me. Don't you know any scandal?


JANE: Yes, I do. I know a girl who lives with a blonde who isn't too bright.


IRMA: Oh, isn't that sad?


JANE: Would you believe it? This blonde is so stupid that she once tied firecrackers to her hair because she wanted to see what she looked like in bangs. 


IRMA: Really? What's her name? 


JANE: I couldn't tell you. 


IRMA: Can you at least describe her to me?


JANE: Well, she's about 5'4" tall, blue eyes, sweet face and weighs...Irma, how much do you weigh? 


SOUND: PHONE RINGS


IRMA: I'll get it.


SOUND: REC UP


IRMA: Hello..Yes, Mr. Clyde..some special work? I'll be right down...Goodbye.


SOUND: REC DOWN


IRMA: Oh, Jane, now I'm going to get some gossip for my column. You know Mr. Clyde is a lawyer and you know what scandals lawyers know.


JANE: What makes you think that?


IRMA: Well, why do you think justice wears a blindfold? She doesn't want to know what's going on!


MUSIC: STINGER


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


IRMA: Here I am, Mr. Clyde.


CLYDE: Oh, fine. Before we start, would you mind emptying the wastebasket?


IRMA: Okay, chief. I'll be back in a flash with the trash.


CLYDE: What?


IRMA: That's newspaper talk. I'm writing a column.


CLYDE: You?


IRMA: Yes. Have you any gossip?


CLYDE: Gossip? 


IRMA: Yes. How do you and Mrs. Clyde get along?


CLYDE: We fight all the time. 


IRMA: Wait. I'll write this gossip down. What do you fight about?


CLYDE: She thinks you should be hung and I think you should be shot. 


IRMA: No, Mr. Clyde. I need material. Give me an item for my column.


CLYDE: Miss Peterson. I called you here today to take dictation and if you know what's good for you, you'll take it. 


IRMA: All right, but make it fast. I've got to meet a sick tiger.


CLYDE: Sick tiger? 


IRMA: It's newspaper talk..It's some kind of animal. 


CLYDE: Sick tiger? You couldn't possibly mean a dead lion? 


IRMA: That's it. Dead lion.


CLYDE: Oh, and to think we fight for the freedom of the press. Now take this letter. To District Attorney Hawkins, New York City, New York. Dear Sir: Congratulations on your election. You should go far in your office because you have a surprising record. Sincerely, Milton J. Clyde.


IRMA: Got it.


CLYDE: Read it back.


IRMA: To District Attorney Hawkins, New York City, New York. Dear Sir: Congratulations on your election. I'm surprised a man with your record could get into office. Sincerely, Milton J. Clyde.


CLYDE: No, no, you idiot! Miss Peterson, do you really want some gossip for your column?


IRMA: Oh, it will make me so happy.


CLYDE: Good. Just print this. "Irma Peterson, secretary to Milton J. Clyde, was fired today."


IRMA: You're not frightening me. I'm going to make a new career. I'll have columns in every paper in the country. Who knows, I may even have my own newsstand.


MUSIC: STINGER


MAN 1: Okay, Callahan, book him. 


MAN 2: Sergeant, this is not justice...I did not pick that man's pocket.


MAN 1: Then how come you had his wallet? 


MAN 2: The bus lurched suddenly and the wallet just flew out of his pocket.


MAN 1: Oh, sure. 


MAN 2: And while I was stooping down to pick it up his gold watch fell right in my hand. 


MAN 1: Must have been a pretty rough trip..we'll see that you get a smoother one on the way to Sing Sing. 


MAN 2: Sergeant, would you write to the warden up there and ask him to assign me to the laundry...I'd like to be near my mother.


MAN 1: Take him away, Callahan. 


SOUND: FOOTSTEPS 


IRMA: Oh, hello, Sergeant Mitchell... 


SARG: Oh, Irma Peterson...you're lost again? Well, we'll have one of the boys take you home. 


IRMA: No, Sergeant, I'm not lost...I'm doing a column for the West-Side Shopper on local gossip. 


SARG: You writing a column...Now I'm stumped...I don't know whether to give you a sanity test or me a sobriety test. But if you want news, stick around here...things happen every minute...why, just yesterday...


WAND: (OFF) You're wrong.


MRS. O: (OFF) I'm right! 


MAN: Sergeant, here are the witnesses in that accident..


WAND: That truck was coming..oh, hello, Irma..Sergeant, that truck was making a left hand turn. 


MRS. O: It was making a right hand turn. 


WAND: How would you know...you were flirting with the truck driver..you...you started to wink at him..your false eye-lashes got stuck together and you couldn't even see what street you were on.


AL: (COMING ON) I demand my rights.


IRMA: Oh, Al... 


AL: Chicken...I've been framed...


SARG: What's the charge, officer? 


MAN 3: Stolen car. 


AL: I didn't steal it..I fell asleep in the back seat... 


SARG: Oh, yeah..how come? 


AL: I was tired after walking around all day looking for a job. 


SARG: You..looking for a job? Make the charge "Stealing a car and perjury." Take him away. 


IRMA: No..no...not my Al...


SOUND: FOOTSTEPS RUNNING


IRMA: Oh, Al..I've got to talk to you. Please, officer. 


MAN 3: All right, lady...you can get in the cell with him...I'll give you five minutes. 


SOUND: CELL DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES


AL: Chicken, I didn't do it...You got to believe me. Why are you looking at me like that? 


IRMA: Al, I'm a columnist...and I must print all the gossip of the neighborhood. 


AL: But do you have to print that I was arrested for a car theft? 


IRMA: Well, what could I print? 


AL: Well, couldn't you write that they had a contest here to see who had the prettiest hands and mine was so beautiful they insisted on taking finger-prints! ...


IRMA: No, Al..on the top of our newspaper it says "E pluribus unum"...That's French for "the truth and nothing but the truth."


AL: Chicken...if you put my name in your column, we're thru...


IRMA: (BAWLS)


MAN 3: O.K. Time's up. Come on, sister. 


SOUND: CELL DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES


WAND: Come here, Irma...we're waiting for you. 


MRS. O: Don't cry, darling. We know what a choice you have to make...I know what it is to be torn between love and duty. 


WAND: Mrs. O'Reilly, I don't know who tore you, but whoever zipped you up did an awful job. Irma darling, here in America we have something called "Freedom of the Press." By freedom of the press is not meant the freedom to print everything we want to, but rather the freedom to print that which is true...this is something you cannot forget even though it may mean hurting someone you love. 


IRMA: I understand. 


MRS. O: I remember one night I had a battle with me late husband Clancy...Oh, it was a beaut..we destroyed more crockery than the San Francisco earthquake...Well, the police come with a reporter..so I told the reporter that Clancy and I were just dancing the rhumba. 


WAND: Did the reporter swallow that? 


MRS. O: No, because the reporter said it was the first time he had seen the rhumba danced where the woman kept her foot on her partner's face..and you too, Irma, must learn to recognize the truth. 


IRMA: I've made up my mind...I'm going to print the truth about Al...even though I know it'll make me an old maid... 


MRS. O: Forget Al...just as long as what you do is a credit to journalism. 


IRMA: Well, maybe I don't need Al, but on cold nights it's going to take an awful lot of newspapers to keep me warm.


ORCH: STINGER


JANE: Come on, Irma, cheer up...this is your big day...what time does your paper come out? 


IRMA: In a couple of hours. 


JANE: You satisfied with the column you turned in...I didn't get the chance to read it. 


IRMA: I may have mis-spelled a couple of words...How many K's in success? ...


JANE: How many K's in success? Two...like there are two J's in Georgia.


SOUND: PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP 


JANE: Hello...Yes..No, Mr. Fletcher..this is Miss Stacy..Tell Irma what? You took the item about Al out of her column because the man who stole the car confessed...


IRMA: Oh, isn't that wonderful...now I still have the man I love and I'm a success.


JANE: (INTO PHONE) What? (ASIDE) Irma, hold the success story. What, Mr. Fletcher? You're afraid you'll be sued by Mr. Schultz? Just a moment. Irma, what did you write about Schultz the butcher? 


IRMA: Well, he just got married so I asked him how he met his wife. 


JANE: Yes.


IRMA: He said he was standing on the corner when a heavy-set woman came toward him. He looked at her. It was pure fate. 


JANE: Do you know what you wrote?....that he was standing on the corner when this heavy set woman came toward him. He looked at her. It was pure fat!


IRMA: (BAWLS)


MUSIC: PLAYOFF


SOUND: (APPLAUSE)


BOB: Irma and Jane will be back in a moment. 


1ST ANNCR: Friends, recently a hundred and thirty-one students at Amherst, Massachusetts, made an interesting test. They compared king-size Cavalier cigarettes with the brands they'd been smoking. And 87% of those students said Cavaliers are milder! They agreed with literally thousands of other smokers who compared Cavaliers with the brands they'd been smoking. Among all these thousands, 8 out of 10 said Cavaliers are milder! 


2ND ANNCR: Try king-size Cavaliers yourself. Inhale...and feel that smooth, light-and-easy Cavalier mildness! Yes, here is true cigarette mildness -- mildness that really counts... the mildness you feel when you inhale the smoke of a Cavalier. 


1ST ANNCR: So light up a Cavalier! Inhale and feel that Cavalier mildness. Taste that fine Cavalier flavor! See for yourself that king-size Cavalier is the extra-mild cigarette that tastes so good! 


2ND ANNCR: And, remember...king-size-Cavaliers, made by the makers Camels, give you extra-length and extra value -- at no extra cost! Although king-size, Cavaliers are priced no higher than leading regular-size brands!


MUSIC: JANE THEME


JANE: Well, Irma's column came out in the paper. I don't think it was read by many people because the obituary column is back this week. Maybe there's something about the way she writes that makes you wish you were dead. But Irma doesn't care...she has her Al again to keep her warm. There they are on the couch. Listen. 


AL: When we get married, chicken, we'll have a four-room house. A living room, a kitchen, a bedroom, and a nursery. 


IRMA: A nursery? Oh, that's wonderful. I always wanted a place to grow plants. 


JANE: You know...I grow plants, too...that's right.....a bloomin' idiot...name of variety...My Friend Irma. 


MUSIC: IRMA THEME UP AND APPLAUSE --- FADE FOR


ANNCR: "My Friend Irma" is a Cy Howard Production and is directed by Parke Levy who writes the script with Stanley Adams. Marie Wilson is starred as Irma and Cathy Lewis as Jane. Kenny Delmar was heard as Maestro Wanderkin, Gloria Gordon as Mrs. O'Reilly, Sid Tomack was Al, and Alan Reed as Mr. Clyde.


Also included were: HAZEL SHERMET, STANLEY ADAMS, JERRY HAUSNER, BARNEY PHILLIPS AND LOU KRUGMAN.


Music was under the direction of Lud Gluskin. 


Until next Tuesday, your friend Irma says:


IRMA: Hope you'll always have a Cavalier nearby. King-size.


ANNCR: Bob Lemond speaking, transcribed from Hollywood and saying goodnight for Cavalier Cigarettes.


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