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Guest: Bela Lugosi

The Abbott and Costello Show 

Guest: Bela Lugosi

May 05 1948





CAST:

ANNOUNCER, Michael Roy

SINGER, Susan Miller


BUD ABBOTT, the straight man

LOU COSTELLO, the comic 

MRS. A, Abbott's wife 

BELA LUGOSI, horror movie star

WOMAN (2 screams)

GHOST

VAMPIRESS





COSTELLO: Hey, Abbott, what time is it?


ABBOTT: It's time for "The Abbott and Costello Show"! We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood.


COSTELLO: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go, with "The Abbott and Costello Show"!


SOUND: APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING


MUSIC: THEME ... THEN BEHIND ANNOUNCER--


ANNOUNCER: Yes, it's "The Abbott and Costello Show," produced and transcribed in Hollywood tonight for your listening pleasure, with Susan Miller and the music of Matty Malneck. Hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello!


COSTELLO: HHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY, AABBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTT!!


SOUND: APPLAUSE, CHEERS, AND WHISTLING


ABBOTT: Cos-- Costello! Costello, you're late again!


COSTELLO: Well, I was watching the girls admiring Lana Turner's new necklace.


ABBOTT: Lana Turner has a new necklace?


COSTELLO: Yes, made out of her old wedding rings. ...


ABBOTT: Hey, who was that girl you were out with last night?


COSTELLO: Ohhhhh, that's my new girl!


ABBOTT: What's she like, Lou?


COSTELLO: What's she like? She likes bourbon, scotch, gin, rye, wine, schnapps, bourbon-- ...


ABBOTT: Look, where - where did you meet this girl?


COSTELLO: Oh, at the Palladium. I asked her for a dance.


ABBOTT: Did you dance the fox-trot, the tango, or the waltz?


COSTELLO: The one-step!


ABBOTT: The one-step?


COSTELLO: One step and I changed my mind about dancing with her! ...


ABBOTT: Why? Wasn't she a good dancer?


COSTELLO: No, but she makes you forget about dancing during intermission. (WHISTLES) When I took her home, I kissed her goodnight and got a real kick out of it.


ABBOTT: She kisses that good?


COSTELLO: No, her father caught us. ...


ABBOTT: Instead of running around every night with a different girl, why don't you settle down and get married, Lou?


COSTELLO: Not me, Abbott. Getting married is like going to a cafeteria.


ABBOTT: Like a cafeteria?


COSTELLO: Yeah, you grab what you want and pay for it later. ...


SOUND: APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING


MUSIC: BRIDGE ... THEN MATTY MALNECK'S ORCHESTRA PLAYS A POP TUNE


COSTELLO: Abbott, if you're fightin' crime, you'll need a man like me. Appoint me sheriff and I'll go from house to house and pinch every cook.


ABBOTT: No, no. Not every cook. You mean you'll pinch every crook.


COSTELLO: You pinch what you like and I'll pinch what I like. ...


ABBOTT: Costello, you--


COSTELLO: You pinch what you like and I'll pinch what I like! ...


ABBOTT: You said that! ... Costello, why were you late tonight?


COSTELLO: Well, I overslept, Abbott. I had a very peculiar dream. I dreamed I was a pin-cushion in a room full of balloon dancers. And am I mad!


ABBOTT: Why are you mad?


COSTELLO: Well, I woke up just when things were beginning to pop! ... After next week, I'm gonna get my own room. I can't sleep with my brother Pat any more. All night long, he dreams he's Roy Rogers.


ABBOTT: Well, why should that disturb you?


COSTELLO: He also dreams I'm Trigger. ... Abbott, if you will appoint me sheriff of Encino, I'll clean up the town. I'll mop up all the poolrooms, I'll clean out all the saloons, I'll scour the alleys!


ABBOTT: How can you do that?


COSTELLO: On the side, I'm a street cleaner. ...


ABBOTT: Costello, if I make you the new sheriff, you've got a lot of great men to follow. Listen to the records of their backgrounds. Sheriff Jones, redcoats, Northwest Mounted, Nineteen Thirty-One.


COSTELLO: Oh, yeah?


ABBOTT: Sheriff Brown, redcoats, Northwest Mounted, Nineteen Thirty-Eight.


COSTELLO: Sheriff Costello, sports coats, Bullock's Basement, Nineteen Seventy-Five. ...


ABBOTT: Look, Lou, to do criminal work, you have to know something about the law. For instance, do you know--? Do you know how to put up a defense?


COSTELLO: Well, sure. All you have to-- Could I have that again?


ABBOTT: I said, do you know how to put up a defense?


COSTELLO: Why should I put up a defense? I already put up-a da wall around my house. ... I also got-a da hedge in the backyard! Why do I have to put up a defense? 


ABBOTT: No, no, Costello. When I say you put up a defense, I don't mean you put up a fence like you would do when you put up a fence. I mean a defense, like when you put up a defense.


COSTELLO: Abbott, I think-a you nuts. ...


ABBOTT: It's no use. You wouldn't know how to act in a criminal investigation anyhow.


COSTELLO: Oh, is that so?


ABBOTT: Yes.


COSTELLO: I was down at the morgue yesterday to see a gangster that was killed. I lifted up the sheet and there he lay -- the corpus delicatessen. ...


ABBOTT: Ya dummy! Corpus delicti -- not corpus delicatessen.


COSTELLO: This was a corpus delicatessen. He was stabbed with a salami. ...


MRS. A: (ENTERS, TO ABBOTT) Well, I knew you were cleaning up Encino, but you didn't have to dump that heap of rubbish here on the stage.


COSTELLO: Rubbish?!


MRS. A: Oh, pardon me. It's Costello! ...


ABBOTT: Honey, I've appointed Costello as sheriff of Encino. He's going to chase all the criminals out of town.


MRS. A: Well, Buddy, you ought to put me on that job. You know I'm a regular bloodhound.


COSTELLO: From the looks of your ears, you must be part cocker spaniel, too. ...


MRS. A: I don't have to take any more insults from you, Costello. Ha! I can see through you. I've got eyes like a hawk.


COSTELLO: And a beak to match. ...


ABBOTT: Costello, how dare you insult my wife? She's beautiful. Why, before I married her, she had men falling at her feet.


COSTELLO: And why not? She was refereeing fights at the Legian Stadium. ...


MRS. A: (WOUNDED) Oh! You pigeon-pussed, popeyed penguin! When I was a girl living in the country, boys used to court me from ten miles away.


COSTELLO: They had to! They were afraid to come any closer! ...


ABBOTT: Pay no attention to him, honey. Say, that's a pretty hat you're wearing, dear.


MRS. A: (FLATTERED) Ohhh, why, I just bought it. Do you think I should wear it to one side, off the face?


COSTELLO: If you're smart, you'll wear it over your face. ...


MRS. A: (AN INSULT) Oh, lowlife!


COSTELLO: Lowlife?!


MRS. A: By the way, Buddy, I got some new shoes, too. Do you like them? They're pumps.


COSTELLO: On you, they look good.


MRS. A: (SURPRISED) Well, thanks.


COSTELLO: Considering that your legs look like pump handles. ...


MRS. A: Oh! How dare you?! I have beautiful legs!


COSTELLO: You're bowlegged.


ABBOTT: My wife is not bowlegged.


COSTELLO: She's the only woman in the world that can walk down a bowling alley while the game is on. ...


MRS. A: (GIVES UP) Oh, goodbye!


SOUND: DOOR SLAMS SHUT AS MRS. A EXITS ... APPLAUSE FOR MRS. A


ABBOTT: Costello, for insulting my wife, I'm not going to make you sheriff of Encino. And I'm not going to give you this beautiful badge.


COSTELLO: Oh, please Abbott, let me be the sheriff. I've always wanted a badge. Everybody's got a badge but me. A cop has a badge, a fireman has a badge. Even a little Boy Scout has a badge. Abbott, I've just gotta have a badge.


ABBOTT: But why do you have to have a badge? 


COSTELLO: I'm tired of holdin' up my pants with my teeth. ...


ABBOTT: Oh, all right. I hereby appoint you sheriff of Encino. Step forward and I'll pin this badge on your shirt.


COSTELLO: Thank you, Abbott. I mean, Your Honor. (IN PAIN) Whoooo, oooooooh, oooooh!


ABBOTT: Costello! Hold still; I'm tearing your shirt! 


COSTELLO: I ain't wearin' any shirt. ...


ABBOTT: Come on. We're going over to the sheriff's office in Encino right now, so you can start to work immediately.


MUSIC: BRIDGE


ABBOTT: Well, Sheriff Costello, you can take over at once.


SOUND: PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP WITH--


COSTELLO: I've got it, Abbott. (BEAT, INTO PHONE) What? A man broke into your room? --- Yes, ma'am. I'll put it on the police radio right away.


SOUND: PHONE RECEIVER DOWN 


COSTELLO: (INTO RADIO) Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Go to Two Thirty-Seven Mulberry Street. An old maid found a burglar in her room. Proceed with caution. The old maid is armed. ...


ABBOTT: Well, Costello, you're catching on to your job fast.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES ... MRS. A'S FOOTSTEPS IN


MRS. A: (DISTRAUGHT) My darling, I'm glad I found you here. I have news for you. I just picked up a scent! 


COSTELLO: Here's nine cents more. Grab a bus and get out of town. ...


ABBOTT: Cut that out, Costello. My wife may be in trouble! 


MRS. A: Oh, that's right, Buddy dear. Something terrible has just happened!


COSTELLO: What did they do? Find your birth certificate? ...


ABBOTT: Cos-- Cos-- Costello, pay attention to my wife. As the sheriff of Encino, it's your duty to hear her out. 


COSTELLO: Well, if it'll make you happy, I'll throw her out.


ABBOTT: Never mind him, dear. Let's hear your story.


MRS. A: Well, for the last couple of nights there's been a lot of strange noises -- screams and gunshots -- coming from that empty house next door to us. Suddenly, at two o'clock in the morning, as I was standing by the stove making fudge-- (ABRUPTLY EMITS A BLOODCURDLING SCREAM)


ABBOTT: What happened? What happened?


COSTELLO: Well, she burned her fudge. ...


MRS. A: No. I saw a mysterious man peering out of the attic window. He made an ugly face at me, like this. 


COSTELLO: No, no. Don't do that!


MRS. A: I haven't made the face yet! 


COSTELLO: How can I tell?! ...


ABBOTT: Quiet, Costello. This may be more serious than you think.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS ... SLOWLY CREAKS


BELA: (BEAT, LOW, SINISTER) I'd like to see the sheriff.


MRS. A: (BLOODCURDLING SCREAM) That's him! That's the mysterious man! 


ABBOTT: Costello, look! It's Bela Lugosi!


SOUND: APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES FOR BELA


COSTELLO: (IMPRESSED) Gee. Bela Lugosi.


ABBOTT: Just a minute, Costello. Mr. Lugosi, I am the chairman of the Committee for Crime Prevention in Encino. Now, just what is the nature of your complaint? 


BELA: Well, I'll put it into a simple language that even a moron can understand.


COSTELLO: Step aside, Abbott; he's talkin' to me. ... Now listen, Lugosi, I'm the sheriff around here and I'm gonna ask you some questions. Now what were those screams in your house at midnight?


BELA: That was my business. 


COSTELLO: And what about those gunshots?


BELA: That's my business.


MRS. A: Ask him about those dead bodies in the basement! 


BELA: Is also my business.


COSTELLO: This guy is doin' a heck of a business. ...


ABBOTT: That settles it, Costello. You, as sheriff, will have to investigate and search Lugosi's house tonight at midnight.


BELA: You will like the house, Costello. It's the only house in Encino where every room has a - a bat. ... And if a strange man should suddenly appear with a long, sharp knife in his hand, and offer to cut your throat--


COSTELLO: Yes?


BELA: Refuse him. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, haaa. ...


COSTELLO: Abbott -- take back the badge; I don't wanna be sheriff any more. Get me out of here now, Abbott.


MUSIC: CURTAIN


SOUND: APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES


ANNOUNCER: And that's only half the fun, folks. Just as many laughs yet to come, but first, listen to this!


MUSIC: MATTY MALNECK'S ORCHESTRA PLAYS A POP TUNE


ANNOUNCER: Susan Miller, with Matty Malneck and his Orchestra, has a springtime story about the "The Dickey-Bird Song."


MUSIC: MATTY MALNECK'S ORCHESTRA ACCOMPANIES SINGER--


SINGER:

A dickey-bird whispered, "Haven't you heard?

Spring is here, spring is here, spring is here!"

A little crow sang a happy hello,

My favorite time of the year.


A little frog sang a song on his log:

"Lose your blues, lose your blues, lose your blues!"

And you and I fell in love in reply

On hearing the dickey-bird's news.


If you have to look around to find the reason

For such a wonderful thing,

You can blame it on the sentimental season --

Falling in love is done in the spring.


A bobolink looked at us with a wink:

"Attaboy, attagirl, nothin's wrong!"

When you're in love you'll go swingin' along

Singin' the dickey-bird song!


MUSIC: INSTRUMENTAL INTERLUDE ... QUOTES "LISTEN TO THE MOCKINGBIRD" AND INCLUDES BIRD NOISES MADE BY ONE OF THE INSTRUMENTS ... THEN ACCOMPANIES SINGER--


SINGER:

If you have to look around to find the reason

For such a wonderful thing,

You can blame it on the sentimental season --

Fallin' in love is done in the spring.


The bobolink looked at us with a wink:

"Attaboy, attagirl, nothin's wrong!"

When you're in love you'll go swingin' along

Singin' the dickey-bird song!


That's all!


MUSIC: MORE BIRD NOISES AS SONG ENDS


SOUND: APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES


MUSIC: BRIEF MILDLY SPOOKY BRIDGE 


SOUND: AUTO PULLS TO A STOP ... WIND AND THUNDER ... THEN OUT BEHIND--


ABBOTT: Well, Costello, here we are at Bela Lugosi's house.


COSTELLO: (SCARED) Abbott, it's awful dark in that house.


ABBOTT: But you've got to go in there. You're the sheriff! You've got to go in there and look for the trouble. 


COSTELLO: Couldn't I look for it out here? There's more light. ...


ABBOTT: Look at me. I'm not scared. 


COSTELLO: Shhh. Abbott -- I think I hear something. Or is it my imagination?


WOMAN: (BLOODCURDLING SCREAM)


COSTELLO: Thank goodness it was only my imagination. ...


SOUND: CREAKING DOOR OPENS


BELA: Well, Sheriff Costello, I see you have come to investigate my house. Come in. I am making myself a sandwich.


COSTELLO: What kind of a sandwich?


BELA: It's a rattlesnake burger. ... Covered with pickled toads and diced bat wings.


COSTELLO: Do you put ketchup on it?


BELA: What? To get heartburn?! No. ... It's too bad you won't be here for breakfast. We are having shrouded wheat. ...


COSTELLO: Shrouded wheat? Abbott, look. There's a casket in the corner with rubber sheets in it.


ABBOTT: Rubber sheets in it?


BELA: Yes. I line all my caskets with rubber sheets, so the rain can't get in.


COSTELLO: Why?


BELA: My bier is a dry bier.


COSTELLO: Hmmmm. ...


ABBOTT: Hey, Costello. Look at that funny-looking machine over there in the corner.


BELA: That's my Sears machine. On that, I manufacture robots.


COSTELLO: Get it, Abbott? Sears and Robots. ...


GHOST: (FILTER, SINISTER) One of you will soon be dead! (EVIL MANIACAL LAUGHTER) One of you will soon be dead!


COSTELLO: Which one?


GHOST: (FILTER, ABRUPTLY EFFEMINATE) Don't be so choosy. ...


COSTELLO: Abbott, I'm gettin' out of here. I don't like the looks of this place. Look at the grandfather's clock in the corner.


ABBOTT: Oh, lots of people have grandfather's clocks.


COSTELLO: With their grandfathers hanging in it like a pendu-la-lum? ...


ABBOTT: Never mind that, Costello. Question Lugosi about the house.


COSTELLO: Mr. Lugosi, where is the former owner of this house?


BELA: Do you see that pile of freshly dug dirt in the corner?


COSTELLO: Yes, sir.


BELA: Well, that's not a vegetable garden. ... Mmm. That's strange! I thought I felt a draft on my neck.


COSTELLO: What's strange about that?


BELA: (LOUD WHISPER) I have no neck. ...


ABBOTT: Mr. Lugosi, what are you whispering for? 


BELA: (LOUD WHISPER) I was born in a library. I had to stay there six months.


COSTELLO: How come?


BELA: (LOUD WHISPER) My father lost his card. ...


ABBOTT: Hey, look, Costello. There's a skeleton in this room.


SOUND: SLIDE WHISTLE! BONES RATTLING! 


GHOST: (SCREAMS AND GROANS)


COSTELLO: Abbott, there's two skeletons in this room! ...


ABBOTT: Two skeletons?

 

COSTELLO: Yeah! I just jumped out of my skin! ... Hey, Abbott -- look. Lugosi has just disappeared through that wall. Pardon me, Abbott. I want to see somebody outside.


ABBOTT: Who?


COSTELLO: Me. ...


ABBOTT: Come back here, Costello. If you're scared, why don't you sing? Go ahead and sing; it'll keep up your courage.


COSTELLO: (SINGS) "Carry me back to ol' Virginny--"


GHOST: (OFF, HECKLING) You keep singin' like that and they'll drag you back!


COSTELLO: Who are you? 


GHOST: I'm a ghost. (CLOSER, GRANDLY) I'm the ghost of Richard the Lion Hearted. Who are you? 


COSTELLO: I'm Costello -- the chicken livered. ...


ABBOTT: Mr. Ghost, Costello is the Sheriff and we've got to investigate this house.


GHOST: Why don't you start in the cellar? Here! I'll open the door for you. You can go right down those stairs.


SOUND: DURING ABOVE, DOOR OPENS ... THEN MUCH NOISY CRASHING AS COSTELLO FALLS DOWN STAIRS


ABBOTT: Costello? Where are you?


COSTELLO: (OFF) I'm down in the cellar, Abbott. But look out for that first step. It's a lulu. ...


ABBOTT: All right, Costello. Here I am. I'll turn on this flashlight and we'll take a look around.


COSTELLO: Hey, Abbott, quick. Look over there. There's a body on the floor.


ABBOTT: Is he dead?


COSTELLO: I can't tell. His head is missin'. ... I'm gettin' out of here, Abbott.


ABBOTT: Costello, what are we? Mice or men?


COSTELLO: I don't know about you, but I'm glad there's no cat around. ...


SOUND: GONG!


COSTELLO: Look. Bela Lugosi's back.


BELA: (OMINOUS) Costello, it is indeed regrettable that you choose to prowl around in my cellar. I'm in a bloodthirsty mood. So far this week, I've only killed nine people.


COSTELLO: This guy sounds like a California driver. ...


ABBOTT: Just a minute, Lugosi. Costello's the sheriff of this town. And you've got a dead man lying down here in your cellar. 


BELA: (MATTER-OF-FACT) Yes, I know. He lives here.


COSTELLO: But he's dead. He's dead, I tell ya. Why don't you throw him out? 


BELA: I can't. His rent is paid up until June first. ...


ABBOTT: Come on, Costello. We've got to continue with the search.


BELA: Well, go ahead with your search. If you want me, I'll be in the morgue, lying on my slab. That's where I'm happiest -- when I'm lying on my slab.


COSTELLO: Don't look now, Abbott, but I think he's a little slab happy. ...


SOUND: GONG!


ABBOTT: Come on, Costello. Let's look in this room. Open the door.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


WOMAN: (BLOODCURDLING SCREAM)


SOUND: THUNDER ... FIVE GUNSHOTS ... CRASH! AND RATTLE! OF MUCH JUNK


ABBOTT: Costello! What in the world was that?


COSTELLO: (OFF) I don't know, and I ain't gettin' down off this chandelier to find out! ...


ABBOTT: Come on down here, Costello. Hey, look. I just found a secret closet. 


COSTELLO: Let's open it.


ABBOTT: Now don't touch that door, Costello. Look at that sign. It says, "This closet has never been opened in over one hundred and seventy-five years."


COSTELLO: I don't believe that. I'm gonna open it. 


SOUND: DOOR OPENS ... HORSE NEIGHS 


GHOST: To arms! To arms! The British are coming! The British are coming! ...


SOUND: HORSE GALLOP AWAY 


ABBOTT: Costello? Costello? Where are you? 


COSTELLO: I'm hidin' over here under this bed. 


ABBOTT: Come on, crawl out from under that bed. 


COSTELLO: Okay. 


SOUND: SOMETHING METAL BANGS ALONG WOOD FLOOR


COSTELLO: Now, I wonder who put that piggy bank under here? ...


SOUND: WALL PANEL OPENS


ABBOTT: Hey, look, Costello. There's a panel sliding open in that wall.


SOUND: WALL PANEL SLIDES OPEN WITH A THUMP


VAMPIRESS: (RELIEVED, GRANDLY) Ahhhhh, gentleman! How can I ever thank you? You've released me from a hypnotic spell that I've been under for over a thousand years.


COSTELLO: (SMITTEN) Oh, Abbott. She's beautiful. Tell me, miss. Are you a mummy?


VAMPIRESS: (CASUALLY) Oh, no. I'm not even married. ...


COSTELLO: Gee, you're lovely. Where did you come from?


VAMPIRESS: I remember coming here on Noah's Ark with all the animals. They all came in pairs. The birds came in pairs, the rabbits came in pairs--


ABBOTT: Did everything come in pairs? 


COSTELLO: Everything but the worms. They come in apples. ...


VAMPIRESS: What are you two doing here? 


ABBOTT: Well, we're trying to solve the secrets of this house. 


VAMPIRESS: I can help you. I know this house. I've got the inside.


COSTELLO: Eh, what you've got on the outside ain't bad either. ...


ABBOTT: Be careful. Be careful, Costello--


COSTELLO: Didn't have enough material, eh? ...


ABBOTT: Costello, Costello-- Lou, Lou, Lou, be careful. This girl is a vampire. She may be dangerous. And besides, she's a thousand years old.


COSTELLO: You ought to be able to handle her, Abbott. She's the same age as your wife. ...


VAMPIRESS: Which one of you gallant gentlemen opened that panel and released me?


COSTELLO: I did.


VAMPIRESS: (PLEASED, SEDUCTIVE) Ahhhh. I'm gonna reward you. Come, put your arms around me. I'm going to kiss you. (EXTRAVAGANT KISSING NOISES ... CONTINUES BEHIND--)


COSTELLO: (TWO LENGTHY GRUNTS OF ANIMAL LUST) ...

 

VAMPIRESS: There. How was that? 


COSTELLO: Abbott, this kid is more than a thousand years old. ...


VAMPIRESS: Ah, you're very sweet. You remind me of an actor I used to go with five hundred years ago.


ABBOTT: Really? You went with an actor five hundred years ago? What was his name? 


VAMPIRE & COSTELLO: (SIMULTANEOUS) Al Jolson! ...


SOUND: STEADY APPROACH OF CLANKING CHAINS ... OUT BEHIND VAMPIRESS--


ABBOTT: Say, what's that?


VAMPIRESS: (SCARED) Oooh! It's - it's Lugosi coming back. He mustn't find me here. I've got to get back behind my panel. (ELEGANTLY) But before I go, you may take my hand and kiss it.


COSTELLO: Thank you. Thank you. 


SOUND: SMACK-SMACK-SMACK! OF COSTELLO KISSING HER HAND


ABBOTT: Costello? What are you doing? 


COSTELLO: I'm kissing her hand. 


ABBOTT: But, Costello, the girl is gone. She's gone back behind that panel.


COSTELLO: Now, wasn't she sweet? She gave me her hand to kiss. I've got her hand and I'm holding it in mine and she's gone. Now, isn't that--? (DOUBLE TAKE, EMITS A CURLY-LIKE EXCLAMATION OF FEAR) Nyahh-ahhh-ahhh! She's gone?! I'm-- I still got her hand, ABBOTT! ...


GHOST: (OFF) Quiet! What are you trying to do? Wake up the living? ...


SOUND: STEADY APPROACH OF CLANKING CHAINS ... OUT BEHIND ABBOTT--


ABBOTT: Costello! Costello! It's Bela Lugosi, he's coming towards us.


BELA: Well, Sheriff Costello, I've got to go now before I get into trouble with the police.


ABBOTT: Are you afraid of the police because you killed those nine people last week? 


BELA: No, it's not that.


ABBOTT: Are you afraid of the police because of the dastardly crimes you've committed?


BELA: No, it's not that.


ABBOTT: Then why are you afraid of the police?


COSTELLO: Yes, why? Why do you have to leave here so suddenly?


BELA: I just remembered I left my car parked in a one-hour zone, and you know those Los Angeles cops. ... Good night, Mr. Costello. (MOVING OFF, WITH A SINISTER LAUGH)


COSTELLO: (MIMICS BELA) Good night, Mr. Lugosi. (MIMICS HIS SINISTER LAUGH)


ABBOTT: Isn't he a lovely chap, Costello? 


COSTELLO: Yes, he sure is. I'd like to have known him when he was alive. 


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: CURTAIN ... THEN MATTY MALNECK'S ORCHESTRA PLAYS A POP TUNE


ANNOUNCER: And now here are Abbott and Costello with a final word.


ABBOTT: Folks, the contest we are running on our Saturday morning Abbott and Costello kids' show now has a jackpot of over twenty-nine thousand dollars.


COSTELLO: Get in on this contest, folks. We believe it is the biggest contest ever and for the greatest cause.


ABBOTT: The purpose is to combat juvenile delinquency.


COSTELLO: And, by entering, you can win a five-thousand-dollar mink coat, a five-thousand-dollar aeroplane, a three-thousand-dollar trailer, a live baby elephant, thousands of dollars worth of diamonds, and loads of other big prizes, totaling over twenty-nine thousand dollars.


ABBOTT: Listen Saturday morning over most of these stations. Good night, folks.


COSTELLO: Good night, everybody.


SOUND: APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES


MUSIC: THEME ... THEN IN BG


ANNOUNCER: Listen each Wednesday night at this time for another great Abbott and Costello show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Vanda and featuring Susan Miller and Matty Malneck's orchestra. This is Michael Roy, saying goodbye until this same time next Wednesday. Be sure to stay tuned for the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening on this ABC station.


SOUND: APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES ... OUT BEHIND--


MUSIC: THEME ENDS ... THEN MATTY MALNECK'S ORCHESTRA PLAYS A POP TUNE UNTIL END

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