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Gracie Wins Wisconsin

The Hinds Honey and Almond Cream Program (Burns and Allen)

Gracie Wins Wisconsin

Apr 10 1940



CAST:

GRACIE ALLEN, daffy comedienne

GEORGE BURNS, her straight man; disbelieving, dry, and sarcastic

TRUMAN BRADLEY, announcer; smooth

FRANK PARKER, singer; needling

RAY NOBLE, bandleader; silly romantic Englishman

BUBBLES, bubbly and sweet

CENSUS TAKER

VOICE

and a singing CHORUS




TRUMAN: Hell-lotion, my friends! "The Hinds Honey and Almond Cream Program"!


MUSIC: ACCOMPANIES "VOTE FOR GRACIE" SUNG BY CHORUS ... THEN BEHIND TRUMAN--


CHORUS: (SINGS)

Vote for Gracie! Vote for Gracie!

She's the best little skipper in the land!

Vote for Gracie! Vote for Gracie!

Won't you please give this little girl a hand? [X]

Even big politicians don't know what to do.

Gracie doesn't know either, but neither do you.


TRUMAN: (STARTS AT [X] ABOVE) Starring George Burns and "Hinds Honey" Gracie Allen, with Frank Parker, Ray Noble and His Orchestra, and Truman Bradley speaking.


CHORUS: (SINGS)

So vote for Gracie

To win the presidential racie.


GRACIE: (SINGS) A hundred million strong!

That's right, you can't go wrong!

Vote for Gracie! 

Keep voting all day long!


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: SONG ENDS


GEORGE: Thank you. Thank you very, very much.


GRACIE: Hello. ... Oh, George, what'll it be tonight? Shall we talk about you or shall we talk about something interesting or shall we talk about--?


GEORGE: Gracie, Gracie, let's talk about me for a change.


GRACIE: All right. Tell me about you. Uh, what do you think of the way I upset them at the Wisconsin primaries last week?


GEORGE: You upset the Wisconsin primaries?


GRACIE: Yes.


GEORGE: What about Dewey?


GRACIE: Dewey? Who's Dewey? ...


GEORGE: He's, uh-- He's a Republican.


GRACIE: Oh, he's the one.


GEORGE: Yes, he's the one. He's the one who's running against you for president.


GRACIE: Aw, the poor fellow! What's he gonna do for a living? ...


GEORGE: Oh, he'll do all right. It happens that he carried Wisconsin.


GRACIE: Well, he won't carry it far. If you saw the front page of the Milwaukee Sentinel, you know it was a landslide for me.


GEORGE: A landslide for you?


GRACIE: I got sixty-three votes. ...


GEORGE: Sixty-three votes? Out of millions of voters in Wisconsin?


GRACIE: Oh, well, that was only in one copy of the paper! And that paper has a circulation of a hundred and eighty-seven thousand. ... Hundred and eighty-seven thousand times sixty-three is-- [APPLAUSE]


GEORGE: All right, Gracie. That's bingo, and never mind.


GRACIE: Just imagine me getting sixty-three votes in Wisconsin last Tuesday and I wasn't even there.


GEORGE: Yes. I see.


GRACIE: The whole thing's silly.


GEORGE: Yeah.


GRACIE: I was at the Pantages Theatre seeing "Too Many Husbands."


GEORGE: All right, so it was silly.


GRACIE: Oh, certainly it's silly. There's no such a thing as too many husbands! (CHUCKLES) If you know what I mean. ...


GEORGE: I'm thinking I know what you mean, yes, yes.


GRACIE: Now, if the Republicans and Democrats are gonna keep nominating me at their primaries, there'll be nothing left for my party to do -- and you know I'm a one-party girl.


RAY: Hello, Gracie.


GRACIE: Ah! There's my party now. 


GEORGE: Yes. ...


RAY: I say, Gracie, I brought you a little remembrance.


GRACIE: Oh, Ray Noble! Why, they're Easter lilies!


RAY: Yes, I want you to remember Easter. ...


GRACIE: Oh, thanks. Spring, spring -- I love spring. You know what Tennyson said.


RAY: No, what did he say?


GRACIE: Well, I don't know, I wasn't listening, but I just love spring! ...


GEORGE: Look, uh, what's going on here?


GRACIE: Spring.


GEORGE: Spring, huh?


RAY: George old boy, would you mind taking Truman and Frank out into the hall? I'd like to talk to Gracie and it's very confidential.


GEORGE: It is, huh? There are millions of people listening in.


RAY: Well, would you mind taking them out with you? ...


GEORGE: Yeah, well, come on, folks, let's go outside.


FRANK: Hello, Prez!


GRACIE: Hello, Pinky!


GEORGE: Hello, Frank.


FRANK: Well, well! What does the man in the street think about tonight?


GEORGE: I'm not the man in the street.


FRANK: Well, you will be, brother, when Gracie's elected. (LAUGHS) ...


GEORGE: First of all, Gracie is not gonna be elected. And when she is, I'll be able to take care of myself.


GRACIE: That's right. George can always follow in his father's footsteps.


GEORGE: Mm.


FRANK: Yeah? What was his father?


GRACIE: A ski jumper. ...


GEORGE: He was not. He was a baseball player.


FRANK: And you were his first error. (LAUGHS)


GEORGE: Oh, quiet, quiet. ... Don't worry about me. I don't need a job. I've saved my money.


GRACIE: Oh, you said it! (LAUGHS)


THE MEN: (CHUCKLE AND MURMUR AGREEMENT, THEN BEHIND GEORGE--)


GEORGE: All right, all right, never mind, never mind! I'm not so cheap! Oh, stop. Look, didn't you all just have lunch at my house this afternoon?


FRANK: Well, we haven't eaten out of paper plates since we ate over at Jack Benny's. ...


GEORGE: What's wrong with serving lunch on paper plates?


GRACIE: Well, at least you could have served it on today's paper. ...


GEORGE: Today's paper?


GRACIE: Yeah!


GEORGE: It wasn't a formal lunch, you know.


GRACIE: Oh.


TRUMAN: Don't you worry about George getting a job. He had the sponsor to dinner last week.


GEORGE: You said it. And I had him eating right out of my hand.


GRACIE: Oh, no plates at all, huh? ...


GEORGE: Gracie, I happen to have a set of plates and they're beautiful!


GRACIE: Oh, especially when you smile. Smile for the ladies! Go 'head! ...


GEORGE: Quiet, quiet. I may have my faults, but on me they look good. ...


GRACIE: (LAUGHS) Certainly the eyeteeth.


GEORGE: [?]


RAY: I say, George, you know that saying that a wise man changes his mind, but a fool never?


GEORGE: Yeah, I know that saying, Ray.


RAY: Well, would you change your mind and take Truman and Frank out into the hall so that I can be alone with Gracie?


GRACIE: Aw, yeah, will ya, George?


GEORGE: Look, what's going on in here tonight?


RAY: Well, you see, it's spring. And I want to ask Gracie to help me with my income tax. ...


GEORGE: Ray, anything you want to ask Gracie, you ask me.


RAY: Well-- (BEAT) Will you kiss me, George?


GEORGE: (EXPLODES) Will you go away?! Go away! ... (TO HIMSELF) Silliest fellow I ever met in my life.


SOUND: PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP


GRACIE: (INTO PHONE) Hello? "Hinds Honey" Gracie Allen speaking. -- What? You called up to say you're gonna vote for me? Oh, thank you! Well, I certainly appreciate it. What? Well, sure, I'll be glad to send you a picture. Where shall I send it? -- Oh. Oh, just bring it home with me? Oh, hello, mother!


GEORGE: Oh, it's your mother, huh? ... Fine.


GRACIE: (INTO PHONE) What? The census taker was there? Well, did you tell him I wanted to ask him some questions? -- Oh. Oh, he's on his way down, huh? -- You called him what? A loafer? A tramp? A hobo? A bum? A good-for-nothing and a heel? And he liked it? -- Oh. Ohhhh, he gets four cents a name, huh? ...


GEORGE: If your daddy was there, he could probably retire.


GRACIE: (INTO PHONE) What, mother? Laura? She's sick? (TO GEORGE) Oh, isn't that too bad, George? My kangaroo is sick.


GEORGE: Oh, yes. Laura, the party emblem.


GRACIE: (INTO PHONE) Oh, you don't say, mother? She has a fever of a hundred and fifteen? Well, what're ya gonna do about it? -- Oh, I see. You're putting some potatoes and a leg of lamb in bed with her. ... Oh, yeah. Well, let me know when they're done. 


GEORGE: Yes. ... Ought to be delicious.


GRACIE: (INTO PHONE) Well, I'll be home right after the broadcast. But don't let that lamb burn. Keep turning Laura over. Yeah. Goodbye. ...


SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN


GEORGE: Gracie, your family was nutty enough before you got that kangaroo.


GRACIE: Well, it's really serious, George. Mother said they had eight doctors there today and they all said the same thing.


GEORGE: What did they say?


GRACIE: "Two dollars in advance." ...


GEORGE: Yes, that stuff is contagious.


FRANK: Aw, why, fever's nothin', Gracie. Why, once I had a fever of a hundred and twenty.


GEORGE: Fever of a hundred and twenty? How did ya live?


FRANK: I got an annuity. ...


GEORGE: Gracie, how did Laura, your kangaroo, get sick?


GRACIE: Well, she caught a cold. She slept all night with her pouch open.


GEORGE: She did, huh? ... Well, that's all I wanted to know.


SOUND: APPLAUSE


TRUMAN: Here's a grand way to keep your hands feeling comfortable when you're spring cleaning. Smooth Hinds Honey and Almond Cream all over your hands often during the day. It takes just a moment and it's certainly worth it -- for Hinds is extra creamy, extra softening to dry, chapped hands. And it contains two vitamins, too: A and D. Use Hinds before each cleaning job. It helps guard your skin against the drying effects of dust, harsh cleansers, and hot water. Then after each job, get out your bottle of Hinds again. Smooth this creamy emulsion over your fingers, especially around the cuticles; over the backs of your hands; on your dry, hard palms; up the wrists and arms. Hinds quickly coaxes back that softer look and feel. You'll find that even one application of Hinds helps your tender, work-abused hands look much nicer. So get Hinds Honey and Almond Cream tonight. The ten- or twenty-five-cent size is handy to carry in your apron pocket as you work. The fifty-cent or the big dollar size Hinds is economical for the whole family to use. Ask at the nearest toilet goods counter for Hinds -- spelled H-I-N-D-S. Now -- Frank Parker.


MUSIC: BEHIND FRANK--


FRANK: Thanks, Tru. The scene is from the musical play "The Girl From Utah." The time is the year Nineteen Fourteen. The song is "They Didn't Believe Me"; composer Jerome Kern; the boy me and the girl you.


MUSIC: ACCOMPANIES FRANK AS HE SINGS KERN'S "THEY DIDN'T BELIEVE ME"


SOUND: APPLAUSE


GEORGE: Frank, I never get tired of listening to your singing. You know, every week you seem to get better.


FRANK: Aw, George, you make me feel like a dog. You're always saying nice things about me and here you are without a voice, without a future, very little personality, or hardly anything else.


GEORGE: Thanks-- ... --kid.


FRANK: But, really, I'm serious, George, and I'd like to say something nice about you. 


GEORGE: Well, why don't ya?


FRANK: Well, I will as soon as I can think of something. ...


GEORGE: I'll remember that when your option is due.


GRACIE: Aw, don't pay any attention to Frank, George. He only repeats what everybody else says. ...


GEORGE: Well, now I feel better.


GRACIE: Oh, dear, where's Bubbles? There's so much campaign mail to answer. I've been getting letters from colleges, mayors, governors, politicians, executives, farmers, doctors--


GEORGE: How 'bout pajamas?


GRACIE: Third floor, please. ... --lawyers, merchants, bankers--


GEORGE: Quiet, quiet, quiet!


GRACIE: And not only do I get letters, today I got an oil painting. It was a picture of Sally Rand.


GEORGE: Must be valuable.


GRACIE: Valuable? It was a Whistler. ...


GEORGE: A Whistler?


GRACIE: Yeah, every time my daddy looks at it he goes-- (WHISTLES) ...


GEORGE: How can you whistle with your mouth closed like that?


GRACIE: (CHUCKLES)


GEORGE: Well, we've covered everything except Sally Rand. ...


RAY: (CALLS) Come in, come in! I say, come along in!


GEORGE: Come in? Ray, there's, er-- There's nobody knocking.


RAY: Oh, yes, there is. I'll answer it.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


RAY: (SLIGHTLY OFF) Hello? Who? Oh, just a minute, I'll tell him.


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES


RAY: George, somebody wants you, Frank, and Truman out in the hall. ...


GEORGE: Uh, who wants us out in the hall?


RAY: I do. I'd like to talk to Gracie. ...


GEORGE: Ray, after the broadcast you'll have all the time in the world--


SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES AS BUBBLES ENTERS


ALL: (GREETING) Hello, Bubbles!


GRACIE: My, Bubbles, you've got on a new dress!


BUBBLES: Yes! It came from Saks!


GRACIE: Fifth Avenue Saks?


BUBBLES: (GIGGLES) No. Potato sacks! ...


GEORGE: Certainly looks sacks-y, Bubbles.


BUBBLES: Yeah, I know! Say, Gracie, what are we gonna do with all these letters from important people?


GRACIE: We'll just write and invite them to my Surprise Party convention in Omaha in May and tell 'em they can all be my guests.


GEORGE: Well, that's nice.


GRACIE: At popular prices. ...


GEORGE: Well, then they'll surely come.


GRACIE: And sign it, um, oh-- What's that name again? Oh, yes! "Gracie Allen."


GEORGE: Oh, yes, that's the name. ...


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


RAY: (SLIGHTLY OFF) Hey, you! Stop, thief! Leave those cars alone! Those cars belong to George, Frank, and Truman!


GEORGE: What's going on there, Ray?


RAY: Oh, nothing. Somebody's trying to steal your cars.


GEORGE: We haven't got any cars.


RAY: Really? Well, you three fellows can borrow mine if you want to go someplace. ...


GEORGE: So, uh, you can be alone with Gracie?


RAY: George, your psychic.


GEORGE: Cheerio.


RAY: Oh, cheerio.


GEORGE: Cheerio. (SHARPLY) Come back here, Gracie!


GRACIE: (DISAPPOINTED) Ohhhh. Well, I'll see you later, Ray, and give me back my chewing gum.


GEORGE: What?


BUBBLES: And, Gracie, here are some more letters. The Silver Lake Young Democrats, the New York State Young Republican Club--


GRACIE: Did we get a letter from Clark Gable?


GEORGE: Clark Gable? What's he got to do with your running?


GRACIE: Well, who do you think I'm running after? ...


GEORGE: He, uh-- He happens to have a wife.


GRACIE: (AIRILY DISMISSIVE) Oh, she can be repealed. ...


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES AS BUBBLES EXITS


GEORGE: You know, Gracie, I do wish you'd get elected. Then I'd have nothing to do.


FRANK: Nothin' to do? Well, then you'd really have your hands full.


GEORGE: Full of what?


FRANK: Shoelaces, newspapers, pencils -- whatever you're sellin', brother! 


GEORGE: Yeah? ... 


TRUMAN: (LOW) Say, George? George, I just made a bet for us. I bet Ray Noble six dollars against six dollar bottles of Hinds Honey and Almond Cream that he can't get Frank, you, and me out in the hall.


GEORGE: Well, that's one bet he'll lose.


TRUMAN: Ray, you lost.


RAY: All right. Well, I'm not a welsher. I'll pay up. My secretary will give you the money. She's in my office.


GEORGE: Where's your office?


RAY: Out in the hall.


GEORGE: (EXPLODES) Will you get out of here?! ...


SOUND: KNOCKING ON DOOR


GEORGE: Come in!


SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES AS CENSUS TAKER ENTERS


CENSUS: Good evening, I'm the census taker.


GRACIE: Oh, yes! My mother phoned me about you. Come in and pull up a chair.


CENSUS: I can only sit down a second.


GRACIE: Oh, well, then pull up a splinter. ...


GEORGE: Ah, my name is George Burns.


CENSUS: Oh, how do you do, Mr. Burns? This is indeed a pleasure. Tell me, do you smoke?


GEORGE: Why, yes.


CENSUS: Soothing, isn't it?


GEORGE: What? ...


GRACIE: (CHUCKLES)


FRANK: Mister, you say you're a census enumerator? Have you got a card to identify yourself?


GRACIE: Oh, he doesn't need one. He knows who he is. ...


GEORGE: Gracie, why did your mother send him over here?


GRACIE: Well, I'm being elected president and it's very important that I find out how many people over twenty-one are old enough to vote.


GEORGE: Well, I wouldn't be without a piece of information like that.


GRACIE: Ah.


CENSUS: You know, Miss Allen, all the information I get is confidential. In fact, it's so confidential that half of it goes in one ear and comes out the other.


GRACIE: Oh, isn't that kind of drafty? ...


GEORGE: Yes, he'll probably catch cold sleeping with an open mind.


GRACIE: Now, you know, what I'm asking for isn't very confidential. All I want to know is: What goes on with our neighbors after they pull down the shades? ...


GEORGE: That's all you want to know?


GRACIE: That's all.


GEORGE: Gracie, these census takers are pledged to secrecy. They can't tell anybody anything.


CENSUS: (LOW) That's right. So whatever I tell you is in strictest confidence.


GEORGE: Why, certainly-- What?! ...


CENSUS: 'Course, I'm not the one to talk, but -- the last three days I gathered enough dirt to raise my own vegetables.


GRACIE: (DELIGHTED) Ooooh! ... (CHUCKLES) Isn't that exciting? Now, look. Mrs. Jones across the street -- is she a Republican? Or is that her natural hair? ...


CENSUS: Oh, you don't need to worry about her. She was thirty-eight last October and she looks it.


GRACIE: Thirty-eight?! That's her waistline. Her hips are ten years older. ...


CENSUS: Well, her husband certainly ought to know how old she is.


GRACIE: Oh, her husband told you?


CENSUS: No, I found out from the maid.


GRACIE: Oh, the husband told her.


CENSUS: (YES) Mm hm.


GRACIE: Ohhhh. 


CENSUS: Yes. ...


GEORGE: Mister, I thought all your information was confidential.


CENSUS: It is, so don't breathe it to a soul! ...


GEORGE: Look, you're here to take Gracie's census and not to gossip about her neighbors.


CENSUS: Oh, yes. I'd better get to work. Now, Miss Allen, what is your name?


GRACIE: Gracie.


CENSUS: What's your surname?


GRACIE: Sir Gracie. ...


CENSUS: I - I mean your full name.


GRACIE: Oh. Gracie M. M. M. Allen.


CENSUS: What does the "M. M. M." stand for?


GRACIE: Em - em - em - Emily. I was named after my aunt and she stutters. ...


GEORGE: Oh, yeah, that's the one who looks like last year's calendar.


GRACIE: Yes.


GEORGE &

GRACIE: The pretty one.


GEORGE: The one without the face, yes.


GRACIE: (CHUCKLES)


CENSUS: Do you live in Hollywood?


FRANK: She goes out with George Burns, if you call that living.


GEORGE: Oh, quiet, quiet-- ... --Toto!


FRANK: (LAUGHS)


GRACIE: I live next door to Nelson Eddy.


CENSUS: Oh, yes, I just took his census.


GRACIE: Oh, tell me! Are they really happy? Or is that the vacuum cleaner I hear humming all day? ...


CENSUS: Well, did you know that Nelson Eddy sings in the bathtub?


GRACIE: How did that leak out?


GEORGE: No plug in the tub! ...


FRANK: Say, uh-- Say, tell me something. Does Nelson Eddy have a shower besides a tub?


CENSUS: Yes.


FRANK: Does he have a rubber curtain?


CENSUS: Yes.


FRANK: Does he have hot and cold water?


CENSUS: (YES) Mm hm.


FRANK: See, George? What's he got that I haven't got?!


GEORGE: Short'nin' bread! ...


CENSUS: Miss Allen, are your parents natural born Americans?


GRACIE: Well, my mother was natural born. The stork brought her. But my father hadda hitchhike. ...


CENSUS: Uh, regarding income. What do you get a week?


GRACIE: Well, it all depends. Now, one week I get a cold, one week a headache--


CENSUS: No, I mean-- I mean what do you earn?


GRACIE: Oh, just a salary. (CRACKS UP WITH LAUGHTER) ...


GEORGE: Well, uh-- What are you laughing at?


GRACIE: I don't get it.


GEORGE: You said it! ...


SOUND: APPLAUSE


GEORGE: And here's Ray Noble's arrangement of Gracie's campaign song.


MUSIC: RAY NOBLE'S ORCHESTRA PLAYS A SWINGING INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF "VOTE FOR GRACIE"


SOUND: APPLAUSE


GEORGE: Well, that was grand, Ray. How is it that you're always able to make such swell arrangements?


RAY: Well, George, if you'll step out into the hall, my secretary--


GEORGE: Never mind the hall. ... Just tell me right here.


RAY: Well, it's very simple, old boy. You see, whenever I see spots in front of my eyes, I just write 'em down and the boys play 'em. ...


GEORGE: These - these spots that you see, are they--? Are they--? Are they dots?


RAY: No, they're mine. ...


GEORGE: Well, uh-- Dot's dat!


GRACIE: (LAUGHS) You know, my brother used to see spots in front of his eyes, but he cured himself by drinking. ...


GEORGE: By, er--? By drinking?


GRACIE: Yeah, now pink elephants hide the spots. ... 


GEORGE: Now if we could just get something for the elephant to hide behind.


BUBBLES: If you're looking at me, Mr. Burns, I'm not available. ...


GEORGE: I never mentioned you!


SOUND: PHONE RINGS


GEORGE: (TO GRACIE) That's for you, probably. You might as well answer it.


SOUND: RECEIVER UP


GRACIE: (INTO PHONE) Hello? Hinds Honey speaking. -- Yes. -- Yes. Oh, how old is the little girl? Oh, really? Well, around that age, they can eat solid food. -- Oh, she does? Oh, well, she'll get over that. You have to expect things like that from little girls of that age. -- Oh, ho, thank you! Goodbye!


SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN


GEORGE: Who was that?


GRACIE: Georgie Jessel! ... [APPLAUSE]



GEORGE: I thought your kangaroo's cold was getting worse, I hope.


TRUMAN: Say, Gracie? Gracie, I read a great remedy for colds that might help Laura.


GRACIE: Oh, good!


TRUMAN: Yes, sir -- you take an old stocking, rub it with mercurochrome, and tie it around your throat--


GRACIE: Oh, of course, you take your foot out of the stocking first?


GEORGE: Naturally, naturally. ...


TRUMAN: And then you rub your forehead with a gold wedding ring--


GEORGE: Where did you read that, Truman?


TRUMAN: At lunch today, on one of your dinner plates. 


GEORGE: Look, let's settle this once and for all. If you fellows didn't like my food, why did you come to my house for lunch?


FRANK: Well, where else can you get a thirty-five-cent lunch for forty cents? ...


GEORGE: All I know is that half of my personal silverware is missing.


GRACIE: You mean that stuff marked Beverly Wilshire Hotel?


GEORGE: Yeah, my personal stuff. ...


BUBBLES: Well, it's the first time I ever saw a sandwich made out of a slice of ham between two pieces of confetti. ...


GEORGE: It's daintier that way, and quiet!


TRUMAN: Well, I really enjoyed your luncheon, George. It wasn't just the food, it was also the hospitality.


GEORGE: Thanks, Tru.


GRACIE: Although the hospitality could have had a little bit more meat on it.


GEORGE: What? ...


FRANK: Well, you know, at most luncheons there's very little conversation. All you hear is "pass this," "pass that," "pass this." But at your luncheon it was really marvelous because there was nothing to pass! ...


GEORGE: I don't know what you're complaining about. The dinner didn't cost you anything. The food was on the cuff.


GRACIE: Well, it wouldn't have been if you'd served napkins.


GEORGE: Oh, quiet. ... I've had enough of this. And it's gonna be a cold, cold day before I--


TRUMAN: Say, George? George, instead of serving meals for a living you can always be a singing announcer, you know. Why, with your voice, you can open up a new field.


FRANK: And plant corn! 


GEORGE: Oh! ... Singing commercials? Well, you think you're kidding? It's not a bad idea!


TRUMAN: No. What song would you use, George, to sell Hinds Honey and Almond Cream?


GEORGE: Oh, there are thousands of songs that I can sing.


GRACIE: Yeah, but there's only one that you know -- "Ain't Misbehavin'." ...


GEORGE: Yeah? Well, what about this one? (CLEARS THROAT, SINGS, BADLY) "If your hands are rough and red and you're all by yourself, / Get Hinds Honey and Almond Cream; you'll find it on the shelf / At toilet good counters. / What does it amount ta? / [INCOMPREHENSIBLY FAST, THEN SEGUES TO TOTAL TUNELESSNESS:] Ain't misbehavin', all by myself. / Oh, ain't misbehavin' / I'm - I'm happy--"


SOUND: DURING ABOVE, PHONE RINGS ... THEN RECEIVER UP


GEORGE: (INTO PHONE) Hello?


VOICE: (ON PHONE) Quiet!


SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN


GEORGE: ... How do you like that? It was a wrong number.


FRANK: Yeah. Any number you sing is a wrong number, brother!


GEORGE: Oh, yeah? ...


FRANK: Yeah. 


GRACIE: Say, Frank, I think you've gone a little too far. Kidding is kidding, and, George, I wouldn't stand for any more. Of course, there's no harm in what he says to the elevator boy, but what he says right here in front of--


GEORGE: The - elevator boy?


GRACIE: Yes! When he said--


GEORGE: What, uh--? What'd he say?


GRACIE: Well, I - I couldn't repeat it.


GEORGE: (MOVING OFF) Well, I'm going out to find out.


SOUND: DOOR AS GEORGE EXITS


FRANK: But, Gracie, I didn't say anything to the elevator boy.


GRACIE: Oh! Oh, well, then you'd better go out and tell George. It was Truman.


FRANK: I will!


SOUND: DOOR AS FRANK EXITS


TRUMAN: Gracie, I didn't say anything to the elevator boy!


GRACIE: Oh! Oh, well, you'd better go out and apologize to Frank.


TRUMAN: I certainly will!


SOUND: DOOR AS TRUMAN EXITS


RAY: ... You know, Gracie, this is the first time you and I have ever been alone. ... [APPLAUSE]


GRACIE: Oh, Ray. Well, would you rather be alone with me or alone with Maine and Vermont?


RAY: Well, I'd feel a little strange with them. I don't know them as well as I know you.


GRACIE: Yeah. ... People are funnier than anybody else.


RAY: Mm hm. I say, Gracie, I just love your campaign.


GRACIE: Oh, thanks, I got it at Magnin's. It's a copy of a thirty-seven-fifty model.


RAY: Mm hm. ... I notice it's made of odds and ends.


GRACIE: Yes. Isn't it odd where it ends? ...


RAY: Ra-ther.


GRACIE: Say, Ray, when I have my convention in Omaha next month, you'll make a wonderful delegate.


RAY: Oh, I won't always be delegate. I'm going to drink a lot of malted milk and I'll be big and strong. ...


GRACIE: Well, would you like a malted milk now?


RAY: With an egg?


GRACIE: No, I'd rather have it with you. ...


RAY: Oh, I say, Gracie, when you're in the White House, will you forget all about me?


GRACIE: (PLAYFULLY ROMANTIC) Well, I will, if you'll forget about me.


RAY: Well, let's just forget about each other then.


GRACIE: Oh, well, let's write it down and then we'll remember it.


RAY: Yes, we might forget it.


GRACIE: My daddy always ties a string on his finger.


RAY: Why?


GRACIE: To keep it from falling off. ...


RAY: Say, Gracie, would you like to sit on my lap?


GRACIE: No. I'd rather sit on your lap.


RAY: All right then, you sit on my lap. ...


GRACIE: Ah, there, you see? Isn't it better my way?


RAY: Gracie, put your arms around me.


GRACIE: (GIGGLES) Like this?


RAY: Mm hm. Do you mind if I whisper something in your ear?


GRACIE: Nah. What is it?


RAY: (GENTLY) You're stepping on my foot. ...


GRACIE: (CHUCKLES) Do you mind if I whisper something in your ear?


RAY: No. What is it?


GRACIE: (GENTLY) Pardon me. ...


SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS SHUT


GEORGE: Hey! What's going on in here?!


RAY &

GRACIE: (STARTLED EXCLAMATIONS, THEN SINGING, IN TUNE)

Ain't misbehavin', all by myself--!

Ain't misbehavin', I'm happy on the shelf--!


SOUND: APPLAUSE


TRUMAN: Come on, everybody! Get your copy of Gracie's campaign song and start singing. We've got to get Gracie in the White House, you know, even if we have to paint the one she's in. Gracie is so proud of her song, "Vote for Gracie," she wants you to have a copy. Now, all you have to do to get it is send your name and address to her on the back of a Hinds Honey and Almond Cream carton. Any size carton will do. But if you use the ten-cent size, be sure to send two cartons. Address your envelope to Gracie Allen, Hollywood, California, and in a few days, you get a copy of this crazy campaign song, complete with words and music, and a big picture of Gracie on the cover. Now, act quickly because this offer is good for a limited time only. 


In the meantime, don't forget to treat your hands to Hinds. The minute you take your hands out of dishwater comfort the chapped red puffy skin with Hinds Honey and Almond Cream. Every fine drop of this creamy fragrant lotion helps make your hands smoother and nicer. Hinds is extra creamy, extra softening, and contains two vitamins. You can get Hinds Honey and Almond Cream at any toilet goods counter, and be sure to take the carton. Write your name and address on it and mail it to Gracie Allen, Hollywood, California, for your copy of Gracie's song, "Vote for Gracie."


GEORGE: Thanks, Truman. And now Gracie will sing Frank Loesser and Jimmy McHugh's new song -- from "Buck Benny Rides Again" -- "My! My!"


MUSIC: ACCOMPANIES GRACIE AS SHE SINGS "MY! MY!"


SOUND: APPLAUSE


TRUMAN: The minute you see a jar of the new Hinds Hand Cream I'll bet you'll want to try it. Why, it looks for all the world like a fine face cream and, as a matter of fact, this Hinds Hand Cream is swell both for hands and face. It's made by the makers of Hinds Honey and Almond Cream and, like the famous lotion itself, Hinds' new hand cream is quick-softening and fragrant. Try it, will you?


GEORGE: Well, Gracie, say good night.


GRACIE: Well, good night. 


GEORGE: Good night.


GRACIE: And when I'm in Washington, don't forget to drop in and see me at the White House. I don't know the address, but I'll leave a congressman burning in the window. 


GEORGE: Good night, all. ...


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: ACCOMPANIES "VOTE FOR GRACIE" SUNG BY CHORUS ... THEN BEHIND TRUMAN--


CHORUS: (SINGS)

Vote for Gracie! Vote for Gracie!

She's the best little skipper in the land!

(CONTINUES IN BG, UNTIL END)


TRUMAN: Next Wednesday at this same time, we'll all be back again. Join us, will you? This is Truman Bradley saying good night for Hinds Honey and Almond Cream. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

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Burns and Allen

All Promises Are Fictitious

Excerpts from Apr 17 1940 episode


CAST:

GRACIE

GEORGE

BUBBLES

FRANK

VOICE, on phone (1 line)

CENSUS TAKER


SOUND: PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP


GRACIE: (INTO PHONE) Hello? "Hinds Honey" Gracie Allen speaking. -- Yes, I'm still running for president. -- What? Do I think farmers should be subsidized? Well, sure, if you can do it where it won't show. ... 


GEORGE: Gracie, will you guarantee that?


GRACIE: No, I'll just have to take my word for it.


GEORGE: Yes, take your own word for it.


GRACIE: (INTO PHONE) Well, uh-- Say that again, please. -- Oh. How would I take care of emergency relief? Well, I'd just build more gas stations. ... [...]


BUBBLES: Say, Gracie, I just finished typing that speech you're gonna make at Dallas.


GRACIE: Oh, really? Why, Bubbles, it only took you three days.


BUBBLES: Well, you see, every time I got to the end of the line and heard the typewriter bell, I went out to lunch.


GEORGE: Don't I know it. ...


GRACIE: Let me have it. Oh, and, boys?


THE MEN: Yeah? Yes?


GRACIE: Now, I want you boys to tell me what you really think of this speech.


THE MEN: (MURMUR AGREEMENT)


GEORGE: We'll be glad to do it.


GRACIE: All right. (CLEARS THROAT, ORATES) Hello, everybody. I'm glad to be back in Dallas and I, uh-- Oh, before I go any further, I want to announce that all promises in this speech are fictitious and any similarity to persons living like George Burns is purely coincidental. ... 


GEORGE: I'm not dead.


FRANK: You wanna bet? ...


GEORGE: Give me odds.


GRACIE: (ORATES) Wake up, America! Your country needs me! So pop out of bed! Mom out of bed, too.


GEORGE: Yeah, everybody out of bed, yes. ...


GRACIE: (ORATES) Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of a certain little party, if you know who I mean.


THE MEN: (MURMUR AGREEMENT)


GEORGE: We have an idea -- yes, yes.


FRANK: I think I know what you mean.


GEORGE: Er, it's our "catching on" week this week. 


GRACIE: Yes.


GEORGE: We know, yes.


GRACIE: (CHUCKLES, ORATES) This country is purely utilitarian. (CASUALLY) Are there any questions?


FRANK: (BEAT) Gracie, what does, uh, "utilitarian" mean?


GRACIE: Um, er-- (HOPEFUL) Are there any answers? ... Then I'll continue.


GEORGE: Yeah, continue, continue. That'll be fine, yeah.


GRACIE: (ORATES) It's, uh, true that this is a baby's country and every baby needs a change.


GEORGE: Is that so? ...


GRACIE: (ORATES) My political rivals say that what this country needs is more milk for the babies without delay. They say, "Let's take the bull by the horns." Well, that's foolish. (LAUGHS) They could never get milk that way.


GEORGE: I don't think so. ... Although, I'll try it, I'll try it.


GRACIE: (ORATES) So, fellow voters, what this country needs is plenty -- and even though it's impossible, I'll be glad to do it.


SOUND: PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP


GRACIE: (INTO PHONE) Hello?


VOICE: (ON PHONE) Hurray!


GRACIE: (INTO PHONE) Thanks.


SOUND: RECEIVER SLAMS DOWN


GEORGE: ... What was that?


GRACIE: (ORATES) My friends, today millions of people are living who will never do it again.


GEORGE: (UNENTHUSIASTIC) Hurray, hurray, hurray.


GRACIE: (ORATES) Millions are being born for the first time.


GEORGE: You've got something there, sister.


GRACIE: (ORATES) And millions are doing nothing because it's the best offer they've had this week.


GEORGE: Mmm! ...


GRACIE: (ORATES) And when you listen to the radio, every ten minutes what do you hear?!


FRANK: (EFFEMINATE) My way is the Spry way!


GEORGE: Quiet, Aunt Jenny! ... [APPLAUSE]


GRACIE: (ORATES) So, friends, if you want an honest president, don't forget Gracie Allen on Election Day. I've never stolen a nickel and all I want is a chance. Thank you. ... [APPLAUSE] [...]


SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR


GEORGE: Come in.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


CENSUS: Good evening, Miss Allen. Remember me? I was here last week. I'm the census enumerator.


GRACIE: Oh, well, I'm glad to see you again.


CENSUS: I just heard a choice bit of gossip and I can't keep it to myself any longer. ...


GRACIE: Well, I'm sorry, but we're not interested in other people's affairs. What they do is their own business.


GEORGE: Atta girl.


GRACIE: Their secrets belong to them and it's no concern of ours! (LOW) What did you hear? ...


CENSUS: Well, I don't know whether I should say anything or not, but that woman who lives around the corner from you--


GRACIE: Oh, you mean Mrs. Hemingway, um, uh, er--?


CENSUS: Yes, Mrs. Hemingway Hemingway.


GRACIE: (CHUCKLES) It's so funny. I always forget the second name. ...


CENSUS: Well, my dear, it seems-- (LOW, CAUTIOUS) How far does this program go?


GRACIE: To New York City.


CENSUS: Good, I wouldn't want this to go any further. ...


GEORGE: Well, I wish this didn't go any further.


CENSUS: Mrs. Hemingway's husband--


GRACIE: Which one?


GEORGE: Which one? How many husbands has she got?


GRACIE: George, don't be nosy. Go ahead, mister. ...


CENSUS: Well, it seems that every time he goes to San Francisco--


GRACIE: Yes?


CENSUS: He doesn't go to San Francisco.


GRACIE: Noooo?


CENSUS: Noooo!


GRACIE: (GASPS) Isn't that just like a man?


CENSUS: Yes!


GRACIE: Well, tell me all about it. When he goes to San Francisco, where he doesn't go, where does he go?


CENSUS: Oakland. ...


GRACIE: Noooo! Really?


CENSUS: Yes. Fortunately for Mrs. Hemingway, Sally Rand is a very good friend of the family.


GRACIE: Well, that's a feather in his cap.


GEORGE: What's going on here? I thought all census information was strictly confidential.


GRACIE: Oh, poor Mrs. Hemingway. All the time that her husband is away, she does nothing but pace the floor.


CENSUS: Nooo!


GRACIE: Yes! Every night at the Coconut Grove. ...


CENSUS: Do you know his secretary, that beautiful little blonde?


GRACIE: Oh, you mean that pretty one who always leaves lipstick on his collar?


CENSUS: (YES) Mm hm.


GRACIE: Oh, she's a wonderful typist.


GEORGE: Yes, probably takes a hundred and twenty kisses a minute.


GRACIE: But it's too bad about her shorthand.


CENSUS: What's the matter with her shorthand?


GRACIE: Well, his wife's gloves won't fit her. ...


CENSUS: Well, I've got to run along.


GEORGE: Wait a minute. Before you go. Er, the house that the Hemingways live in -- is that a one-story house or a two-story house?


CENSUS: (HIGHLY OFFENDED) Please, Mr. Burns! How dare you?! We census takers are pledged to secrecy! Good day. ...


SOUND: DOOR SHUTS AS CENSUS TAKER EXITS


GEORGE: (ANNOYED, TO GRACIE) Where did you meet him?


GRACIE: Oh, isn't he cute? When I'm elected, I'm gonna give him a much better job.


GEORGE: Is that so?


GRACIE: Yes, in the Secret Service. ...


GEORGE: Yes, as an undercover man, and he can stay there. [...]

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Burns and Allen

Some Crazy Guys

Excerpts from Apr 24 1940 episode


CAST:

BUBBLES

GRACIE

GEORGE

RAY

DOCTOR, humorless, self-important


BUBBLES: Say, Gracie, was your family glad to see you when you got back from Dallas?


GRACIE: Oh, yes, especially my grandfather who doesn't live with us any more.


GEORGE: Well, I'm glad to hear that.


GRACIE: He lives on a desert.


GEORGE: He does, huh?


GRACIE: He's very wealthy. He's the half-owner of a mirage. ...


GEORGE: Of a mirage? Er, who owns the other half?


GRACIE: Oh, some crazy guy. ...


GEORGE: That's very interesting.


GRACIE: He made a lot of money selling water holes to thirsty people for twenty cents apiece. ...


GEORGE: Must have made a fortune that way.


GRACIE: Well, of course, he really only gets fifteen cents apiece because you get a nickel back on the hole. ...


GEORGE: If he ever gets out of a hole, he'll go broke.


GRACIE: Yeah. [...]


RAY: I say, Gracie, did you ever see this album of pictures of me?


GRACIE: No, Ray.


RAY: See if you recognize anybody in this picture. It's a group of us in the country.


GRACIE: Oh, what a lovely group! Well, you're all holding up oatmeal cookies.


RAY: No, those are our faces. ...


GEORGE: Yeah. Of course, oatmeal cookies have more expression.


GRACIE: Who's this little chap with the accordion-pleated face?


RAY: Oh, that's me when I was four years old.


GRACIE: Oh. ...


GEORGE: And who's that silly looking sap next to him?


RAY: That's me when I was nine. ...


GRACIE: Why, Ray, the one standing behind them is you, too.


RAY: Yes, that's when I was twelve and a half.


GEORGE: In other words, all ten in this group are you?


RAY: All except the old man with the gray hair.


GEORGE: Who's he?


RAY: Oh, that's me when I'll be sixty. ...


GEORGE: Well, that's a nice future for you, Ray.


[...]


DOCTOR: Good evening. Burns and Allen program?


GRACIE: Oh, that's a coincidence. So are we.


GEORGE: Hm. I'm George Burns. What can I do for ya?


DOCTOR: Well, you see, I've been listening with great interest to Gracie Allen's presidential campaign. I'm Dr. Schmeerbacher, psychiatrist.


GRACIE: Is that anything like a Republican? ...


DOCTOR: I know nothing about politics.


GRACIE: Oh, a Democrat.


GEORGE: Mm. ... [APPLAUSE] Er, doctor--? Doctor, you mean you're interested in her campaign because you're a psychiatrist?


DOCTOR: Exactly. I'd like to ask her a few questions to see if she's capable of running the government.


GEORGE: In other words, you want to test her I.Q.?


GRACIE: Well, all right, but whether I.Q. or I don't Q., I'll be elected!


GEORGE: I'll vote for you, Gracie. ...


DOCTOR: I'm a specialist in mental therapeutics. I watch the mind and see what makes it tick.


GEORGE: What if it doesn't tick?


GRACIE: No tick-ee, no watch-ee! 


GEORGE: No watch-ee. ...


DOCTOR: Er, Miss Allen, would you object to a little psychoanalysis?


GRACIE: Well-- (CHUCKLES) Make it a small one. I only drink to be sociable. ... [...]


DOCTOR: Now, Miss Allen, do you ever feel taut?


GRACIE: Taut?


DOCTOR: Yes. Tense -- like you were being held in a vise and slowly strangled to death.


GRACIE: Oh, yes! Yes, lots of times.


DOCTOR: What do you do to overcome it?


GRACIE: Oh, I just take off my girdle. ...


GEORGE: He - he means, is it a mental contraction or a muscular contraction?


GRACIE: Er, oh-- Oh, it's a silk one! I got it at Bullock's. ...


GEORGE: Nice day, isn't it, doc?


DOCTOR: Miss Allen, yours is a very unusual case. Tell me, when you go to sleep at night, do you see strange things in your dreams?


GRACIE: No. No, just plain everyday things. Last night I saw a green leopard with pink stripes. ...


DOCTOR: Ah! Now we're getting someplace. Miss Allen, did it have an electric fan for a tail?


GRACIE: Yes.


DOCTOR: Did it have ears made of hot water bottles?


GRACIE: Yes.


DOCTOR: (BUSTS OUT CRYING, EXTRAVAGANTLY)


GEORGE: Doctor? Doctor! What are ya crying about?


DOCTOR: (LIKE A WAILING CHILD) She stole my leopard!


GEORGE: Get out of here! Get out! ... [APPLAUSE]


SOUND: DOOR SHUTS [...]


RAY: You know, Gracie, this is the first time you and I have ever been alone. ... 


GRACIE: Oh, yes. You and me both.


RAY: Are you happy?


GRACIE: No, I'm Gracie. You must be happy. ...


RAY: No, I'm Raymond.


GRACIE: Then we're still alone.


RAY: I say, it's wonderful sitting next to you.


GRACIE: Is it? I've never sat next to me. ...


RAY: You know, I'm rather ashamed to admit it, but I've been dreaming of a wife.


GRACIE: Why, that's nothing to be ashamed of, Ray.


RAY: I'm afraid it is. It's the drummer's wife. ...


GRACIE: Oh. Well, I thought maybe you were dreaming that I would be your wife.


RAY: Well, tell me, would you love me when I'm weak and helpless?


GRACIE: I do! ...


RAY: I'm afraid you wouldn't find me a very affectionate sweetheart.


GRACIE: I would, if you'd find me one. ...


RAY: Well, I'll be glad to try.


GRACIE: When you're near somebody you care for, do you ever get goosepimples?


RAY: Are they anything like cranberries? ...


GRACIE: That's what you make pies out of.


RAY: Oh, really? I never tasted a goosepimple pie. ...


GRACIE: Oh, they're very good. And I love potato chips.


RAY: So do I. Do you believe in taking potato chips to bed?


GRACIE: Well, I do if they're sleepy. ...


RAY: You know, I must stop this elopement right now.


GRACIE: What elopement?!


RAY: Well, my heart's running away with my head.


GRACIE: Oh, isn't that romantic? I hope they'll be happy together. ...


RAY: Oh, but, Gracie, wouldn't you like to run away and leave the whole world behind us?


GRACIE: Yeah, but could we be happy in Glendale? ...


RAY: Well, we could force ourselves.


GRACIE: Sometime, Ray, maybe you can make my dream come true. Maybe you can grab me in your arms and carry me away from this tinsel existence, away from this phony life in Hollywood. I'd like to go to a place that's real, where people live on the level and there's no make-believe.


RAY: I'd love to, Gracie. Where do you want me to take you?


GRACIE: To the wrestling matches. ...


SOUND: APPLAUSE


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