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Gracie's Baby Turkey Swallows a Wedding Ring

Burns and Allen

Gracie's Baby Turkey Swallows a Wedding Ring

Nov 25 1948



CAST:

GRACIE ALLEN, daffy wife

GEORGE BURNS, long-suffering husband

ANNOUNCER, Tobe Reed (pronounced TOBY)

BILL GOODWIN, narcissistic commercial spokesman

BLANCHE MORTON

FARMER

SOLDIER, of the Salvation Army

TURKEY, high-pitched gobbler

DOCTOR

MARIAN

NBC ANNCR (1 line)

plus nineteen TURKEYS, who gobble




GRACIE: Another cup of Maxwell House Coffee, George?


GEORGE: Sure. Pour me a cup, Gracie. 


GRACIE: You know, Maxwell House is always good to the last-- (MUSIC: GLISSANDO) --drop. (MUSIC: XYLOPHONE NOTE)


GEORGE: That drop's good, too. 


MUSIC: IN AND IN BG


ANNOUNCER: Yes, it's "Maxwell House Coffee Time," starring George Burns and Gracie Allen.


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: UP FOR THEME (1920's "THE LOVE NEST" BY LOUIS A. HIRSCH AND OTTO HARBACH) ... THEN IN BG--


ANNOUNCER: With yours truly, Tobe Reed, Bea Benaderet, Hans Conried, Pat McGeehan, Doris Singleton, Harry Lubin, the Maxwell House Orchestra, and Bill Goodwin. 


GOODWIN: For America's Thursday night comedy enjoyment, it's George and Gracie -- and for America's every day coffee-drinking enjoyment, it's Maxwell House, the coffee that's bought and enjoyed by more people than any other brand at any price. Yes, Maxwell House -- always good to the last drop.


MUSIC: THEME UP AND OUT


ANNOUNCER: Well, it's Thanksgiving morning as we look in at the Burns' home, but that's not the subject of discussion between George and Gracie. It seems that George is going to be best man at a friend's wedding and he's telling Gracie all about it.


GEORGE: It's Bob Webster who's getting married, Gracie. 


GRACIE: Bob Webster? 


GEORGE: Yeah, you remember the Webster boys. We had them here for dinner one night.


GRACIE: Oh, yes! Bob is the one who spilt the gravy on the tablecloth's brother. ...


GEORGE: Yeah, that's him. Well, Bob is finally gonna settle down and marry himself a wife.


GRACIE: Well, wouldn't it be better if he married a single girl? ... 


GEORGE: She is-- She is single. 


GRACIE: Oh, good. Do I know her? 


GEORGE: I don't think so. She's Marian Carroll. 


GRACIE: Oh, I thought she was marryin' Bob Webster. ... Who's Bob marryin'? 


GEORGE: Marian Carroll.


GRACIE: He's marryin' the same person? 


GEORGE: No, no, no. Look--


GRACIE: Oh. Then who's he marryin'? 


GEORGE: Marian Carroll. 


GRACIE: Well, George, for a best man you certainly are mixed-up. ... 


GEORGE: Er, Gracie, this Marian is spelled M-A-R-I-A-N. Now do you understand? 


GRACIE: Well, of course I understand. I'm no dumbbell.


GEORGE: Good. ... The bride is Marian Carroll.


GRACIE: All right. Now -- who's the groom marryin'? ...


GEORGE: (EXASPERATED) Oh, nuts. 


GRACIE: O'Nuts? It's an Irish girl, huh? ... 


GEORGE: (DRY) Yes, er, Molly O'Nuts. ... (CHANGES TONE) Well, anyway, this is the first time I've ever been a best man. Er, how do you think I should dress? 


GRACIE: Oh, the usual way. First put on your underwear, then you-- ... 


GEORGE: I don't mean that. I mean, how should I dress at the wedding? 


GRACIE: Oh, I wouldn't. I'd dress here. ... 


GEORGE: Well, forget the whole thing. I'll go to the wedding in a tuxedo. 


GRACIE: Well, it's only a couple of blocks. Why don't you walk? ...


GEORGE: Well, a tuxedo is that funny black suit I wore when we got married. 


GRACIE: Oh, have you still got that suit? 


GEORGE: Well, sure. 


GRACIE: You must owe a lot of rent on it by now. ...


GEORGE: (DRY) About thirty thousand dollars. 


GRACIE: Really? ...


GEORGE: Well, now I'm going out to borrow some studs, but first I better put this wedding ring where it'll be safe. 


GRACIE: (IMPRESSED) Oh! Oh, what a beautiful ring. It's set with diamonds and everything. 


GEORGE: Yeah, Bob was so nervous he asked me to keep it.


GRACIE: Oh, let me wear it until the wedding tomorrow. 


GEORGE: Oh, no, no, no. You might lose it. Besides, you've got a wedding ring. 


GRACIE: Oh, but this one is so beautiful! 


GEORGE: Gracie, a wedding ring is just a symbol. It doesn't matter if it's solid brass. 


GRACIE: Well, I know; I love my ring. ... But this one is so exquisite. I won't lose it. I've never lost mine


GEORGE: Honey, this ring cost a thousand dollars. Yours cost five dollars. 


GRACIE: No, George, no. My ring cost ten dollars.


GEORGE: No. I paid five dollars for it.


GRACIE: Are you sure? 


GEORGE: Certainly. 


GRACIE: Well, then you forgot to give me my change. ...


GEORGE: (DRY) I'll owe it to ya. (FIRMLY) And Bob's ring goes right in this drawer--


SOUND: DRAWER OPENS


GEORGE: --and I want it to stay there. 


SOUND: DRAWER CLOSES 


GEORGE: Now I've got to find some tuxedo studs and get the suit pressed. 


SOUND: KNOCKING AT DOOR


GRACIE: Oh, there's Blanche Morton at the back door. (CALLS) Come in, Blanche! 


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


BLANCHE: Hello, folks! Happy Thanksgiving!


GEORGE: Same to you, Blanche.


GRACIE: Well, thank you, Blanche.


BLANCHE: Say, Gracie, I'm having a bunch in for dinner. I wonder if I could borrow that wonderful little pot of yours that cooks things so fast. 


GRACIE: Well, certainly. Go along with her, George. ... 


BLANCHE: Er, no. No, I mean your Presto cooker.


GRACIE: Oh, that. Oh, sure, I'll be finished with it in a few minutes. 


GEORGE: Say, Blanche, has Harry got some tuxedo studs I can borrow? 


BLANCHE: I think so. 


GEORGE: I'm best man at Bob Webster's wedding tomorrow.


BLANCHE: Really? Who's Bob marryin'?


GEORGE: Marian Carroll. 


GRACIE: No, no, George. You're mixed-up again. ... He's marryin' Molly O'Nuts. ...


GEORGE: Now let's not get back into that routine. I'll run over and get the studs from Harry.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES AS GEORGE EXITS 


BLANCHE: How's your Thanksgiving dinner coming along, Gracie? 


GRACIE: Oh, just fine, Blanche. I've made pumpkin pie, chestnut dressing, and - and, see? I've got the oven turned to three hundred and fifty degrees. That's perfect for browning a turkey. Hm! That reminds me, I better look at it. 


SOUND: OVEN DOOR OPENS


GRACIE: Uh-oh! I'm in trouble. 


BLANCHE: You burnt the turkey? 


GRACIE: No, I forgot to get one. ...


BLANCHE: Oh, fine -- and I'll bet George is so hungry he could eat the table leaves.


GRACIE: Well, quick, put 'em in the oven! ... 


BLANCHE: I was only kiddin', Gracie. You gotta have a turkey.


GRACIE: But, Blanche, the markets are all closed. How will I get one? 


BLANCHE: Drive out to the country and buy one from a farmer.


GRACIE: Heyyy! That's a good idea.


BLANCHE: Sure. What do you want, a Tom Turkey? 


GRACIE: Tom Turkey, Sam Turkey, who cares what his name is? ... I'm gonna feed him to George, not introduce him. ... You help yourself to the cooker, I'll head for the country. 


BLANCHE: All right. 


GRACIE: (MUSES) Oh, I wonder if I dare-- (DECISIVE) Yes, I'll wear it.


SOUND: DRAWER OPENS 


GRACIE: Blanche, isn't this a beautiful wedding ring? 


BLANCHE: (IMPRESSED, ENTHUSIASTIC) Oh! It's magnificent! Oh, you lucky girl.


GRACIE: Now, it's not mine. It belongs to a girl Bob Webster's gonna marry.


BLANCHE: (DEFLATED) Oh, nuts. 


GRACIE: Yeah, that's right; Molly. ... George told me not to wear it, but I'm going to anyhow. 


BLANCHE: (SCANDALIZED) Gracie, are you the kind of wife who disobeys her husband? 


GRACIE: (DEFENSIVE) Well, sure, I'm normal. ... See you later, Blanche.


MUSIC: FOR A QUICK TRIP TO THE COUNTRY ... BRIDGE


FARMER: Well, there they are, ma'am. I've got about twenty turkeys left. I'm sellin' 'em for sixty cents a pound.


GRACIE: (UNCERTAIN) Well, I guess I'll have to pay it. My husband insists on turkey. But it does seem high. 


FARMER: It costs money to feed an old gobbler.


GRACIE: Yes, especially when he insists on turkey. ... 


FARMER: Want me to pick one out for you? 


GRACIE: Oh, no, no -- you might try to fool me. I'll pick him out myself. I'm an expert. I know all about turkeys, from their manes to their withers. ...


FARMER: (POLITE) Yes, I can tell you're an expert, all right. See one you want? 


GRACIE: Mmm. Oh, I see one I don't want! That turkey nearest the fence -- it's got flat feet.


FARMER: Yep. Besides, it's a duck. ... 


GRACIE: Well, I want a turkey. 


TURKEY: (GOBBLES ADORABLY) 


GRACIE: (ENCHANTED) Ohhhhh ho! There's a cute little baby one! 


FARMER: He'll be a fine bird when he grows up. He's milk-fed.


GRACIE: Oh, now there you go trying to fool me. That little turkey couldn't be milk-fed. He's too short to reach a cow's faucet. ...


FARMER: (POLITE) I'm sorry I tried to fool you.


GRACIE: Well, I better pick out a turkey. Eeney meeney miney-- Oh! Oh, my goodness! 


FARMER: What's the matter? 


GRACIE: The wedding ring -- it's gone! It must have slipped off my finger here in the turkey pen. 


FARMER: Well, I - I don't see nothin' of it. 


GRACIE: Oh, if that ring's gone, my husband will murder me. It's a thousand-dollar wedding ring. 


FARMER: I'll bet I know what's happened. One of them turkeys took it.


GRACIE: Well, quick! Which one of them is planning to get married? ... 


FARMER: Lady, I mean one of them turkeys swallowed it. 


GRACIE: Oh, that's terrible! You see, the ring isn't mine. My husband had it for another woman.


FARMER: (PAUSE, TAKEN ABACK, WITH POLITE DISAPPROVAL) My. You Hollywood folks. ...


GRACIE: Oh, quick! Get it out of the turkey! 


FARMER: Well, I don't know which one swallowed it. 


GRACIE: Oh, I wish it'd been my wedding ring. We'd know the turkey in a minute. He'd turn green. ... Oh, but you - you've got to get it! 


FARMER: Well, I can't kill all them turkeys. It's too late to sell them.


GRACIE: Oh, I don't want you to kill them. Just turn them inside out and shake 'em. ...


FARMER: Lady, the only way to find that ring is for you to buy these turkeys and let me kill them. 


GRACIE: No, sir! I can't let nineteen innocent turkeys die just because one of them is a thief. I'll take them home with me and find the guilty one somehow. 


FARMER: Well, just as you say, ma'am. 


GRACIE: But how will I get all these turkeys to town? 


FARMER: I'll truck 'em in. 


GRACIE: Well, that's a long way to dance. ... But then, you look healthy. Here's my address. Put them on the back porch. 


MUSIC: A BRISK "REUBEN, REUBEN" ... BRIDGE


GEORGE: (CALLS) Gracie, I'm home! Where are you? (NO ANSWER, TO HIMSELF) Huh. Guess she's out in the kitchen.


SOUND: GEORGE'S STEPS INTO KITCHEN BEHIND--


GEORGE: (CALLS) Hey, Gracie, I got the tuxedo studs. (NO RESPONSE, TO HIMSELF) No, not here, either. Maybe she's on the back porch.


SOUND: BACK DOOR OPENS


TURKEYS: (GOBBLE LOUDLY AND WILDLY) 


SOUND: BACK DOOR SLAMS SHUT


GEORGE: ... (DISMAYED, TO HIMSELF) Holy smoke. Her mother is here for Thanksgiving. ... No, it couldn't be her mother. She talks louder than that. ... I'll have another look.


SOUND: BACK DOOR OPENS


TURKEYS: (GOBBLE LOUDLY AND WILDLY) 


GEORGE: (CALLS) Who's out there? 


TURKEYS: (GOBBLE LOUDLY AND WILDLY) 


GRACIE: (OFF) No one but us turkeys! ...


GEORGE: Gracie, come in the house. I want to talk to you. 


SOUND: GRACIE ENTERS ... BACK DOOR SHUTS


GEORGE: What goes on here? There must be a dozen turkeys on our back porch. 


GRACIE: Oh, now don't exaggerate, dear. There are only twenty. 


GEORGE: Why in the world did you buy twenty turkeys? 


GRACIE: (EVASIVE) Er, why? 


GEORGE: Yeah, why? 


GRACIE: (IMPROVISING) Oh, well, uh-- You see, when I left the farm I only had two turkeys, but they happened to be male and female, and-- Well, you know turkeys. ... Now we've got twenty. 


GEORGE: (BEAT) That's rabbits. ...


GRACIE: No, they're turkeys. Look again. ... 


GEORGE: I mean, turkeys can't multiply like rabbits. Turkeys lay eggs. 


GRACIE: Well, there's something rabbits can't do, so they're even. ... 


GEORGE: Gracie, stop being silly. Why did you buy twenty turkeys? 


GRACIE: Oh, all right, I guess I'll have to tell you the truth.


GEORGE: Well, I should hope so. It's enough turkeys to fill the Salvation Army baskets. 


GRACIE: (INSPIRED) Ah--! You guessed it! 


GEORGE: Huh?


GRACIE: (IMPROVISING) Those turkeys are for the Salvation Army. They were donated by a - a kind farmer. 


GEORGE: Oh. Well, thanks for telling the truth.


GRACIE: (GENUINELY) Well, thanks for thinking of it! ... Now, excuse me, dear. I have to run out and borrow some fishing tackle.


GEORGE: Are you going fishing? Where? 


GRACIE: Well, if I told you, you'd say I was crazy. 


GEORGE: I'll take a chance. ... Where are you going fishing?


GRACIE: Inside those turkeys. ...


GEORGE: You're crazy.


GRACIE: Yeah. See? I told ya! 


GEORGE: But, Gracie--


GRACIE: Goodbye, dear! 


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES AS GRACIE EXITS


GEORGE: (TO HIMSELF) Oh, what a little screwball. Well, I'll put a stop to this foolishness. I'll call the Salvation Army and tell them to come and pick up their turkeys.


MUSIC: "TURKEY IN THE STRAW" ... BRIDGE 


GRACIE: What?! You let the Salvation Army take those turkeys? 


GEORGE: Well, certainly. They have to dress them and send them out.


GRACIE: They may have to dress nineteen of them, but one of those turkeys can afford the best tailor in town! ...


GEORGE: (BAFFLED) What? 


GRACIE: I'll see you later, dear.


GEORGE: What are you talking about?


MUSIC: FOR A QUICK TRIP TO THE SALVATION ARMY ... BRIDGE 


SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES AS GRACIE ENTERS


GRACIE: Er, is this the Salvation Army headquarters? 


SOLDIER: Yes, ma'am. 


GRACIE: Uh, do you still have the turkeys you got from Mr. Burns? 


SOLDIER: Why, yes. 


GRACIE: Oh, thank goodness. He wants them back right away.


SOLDIER: You mean he's an Indian giver? 


GRACIE: (IMPROVISING) Yeah - yeah, that's it, yeah. He, er-- He gave you the turkeys by mistake. He meant to give ya Indians. ... 


SOLDIER: Huh? 


GRACIE: Well, you see, my husband was too proud to tell you, but our children are starving, and that's why we've got to have those turkeys back. 


SOLDIER: All twenty of them?


GRACIE: Yes. 


SOLDIER: But, Mrs. Burns, twenty turkeys will feed two hundred children. 


GRACIE: (SHRUGS) So? Four of my kids will go hungry. ... 


SOLDIER: It's impossible for a woman to have two hundred and four children. 


GRACIE: Well, I had them the easy way: a hundred and two sets of twins. ...


SOLDIER: A hundred and two sets of twins?


GRACIE: Well, my husband makes bookends and it's affected his whole life. ...


SOLDIER: Mrs. Burns, I'm afraid this is unbelievable. 


GRACIE: You don't believe my husband makes bookends, huh? ... 


SOLDIER: I don't believe any of it. 


GRACIE: Oh. Well-- All right then, I'll tell you the truth. One of those turkeys has a thousand-dollar ring inside of it. 


SOLDIER: Oh, I'm afraid you're mistaken. No ring was found when those turkeys were cleaned. 


GRACIE: Well, it must have been there. What cleaner did you send them to? ... 


SOLDIER: We cleaned them ourselves and there was no ring in-- (REALIZES) Wait a moment. There was a baby turkey in the flock -- too small to kill. He's here in the back room. Maybe he swallowed the ring. 


SOUND: BACK ROOM DOOR OPENS


TURKEY: (GOBBLES ADORABLY)


GRACIE: (DELIGHTED RECOGNITION) Ohhhhh ho! That cute little baby! ... Aw, that baby couldn't be a juvenile delinquent. ... I'm sure he didn't swallow the ring.


TURKEY: (GOBBLES ADORABLY, THEN HICCOUGHS LOUDLY)


GRACIE: (SURPRISED) Oh. ... Sounds like I was wrong. 


SOLDIER: Shall we kill him and recover the ring? 


GRACIE: Oh, no, no. He's just a baby -- and an orphan, too: you've already killed his mother and father and all his aunts and uncles. 


TURKEY: (GOBBLES SADLY)


GRACIE: Oh ho! Don't you worry, little turkey. Gracie will protect you. (TO SOLDIER) I'll take him home with me.


SOLDIER: But, Mrs. Burns, that turkey has a thousand-dollar ring inside of him. How will you get it?


GRACIE: Well, I'll think of something. (TO TURKEY) Come on, you little Fort Knox with feathers! ...


SOUND: APPLAUSE BRIEFLY BEHIND--


MUSIC: MAGNIFICENTLY GRANDIOSE AND PATRIOTIC ... FOR FIRST ACT CURTAIN ... THEN MORE RESTRAINED, IN BG


ANNOUNCER: The hills of home -- friendly American hills that today embrace a grateful nation, offering thanks for bountiful crops and rich harvests. Yes, on this most traditional of all American holidays, happy families are gathered at home celebrating this Thanksgiving in feasting and good cheer, enjoying the warm fellowship and generous hospitality that make this day one of the favorite holidays of the year. And the folks who make Maxwell House Coffee are happy indeed that their coffee -- America's favorite brand -- is such a familiar part of this Thanksgiving tradition. And they earnestly hope that their unceasing efforts to bring you the very best in rich, satisfying coffee-drinking goodness will continue to add to your enjoyment of Thanksgiving -- and every day in the year. 


MUSIC: UP FOR MAGNIFICENT TAG AND OUT


SOUND: APPLAUSE


GEORGE: (ANNOYED) I told you not to touch that ring. Now it's inside this silly turkey. 


TURKEY: (GOBBLES DEFENSIVELY)


GRACIE: Oh, please, George. He didn't know what he was doing. He's just a baby -- an orphan. 


GEORGE: (WITH CONTEMPT) Orphan shmorphan! ... I'm gonna chop his head off, cut him open, and take him apart. 


GRACIE: But, George, he might not recover from a thing like that. ...


GEORGE: So he doesn't recover! Now give him here.


TURKEY: (GOBBLES IN FRIGHT)


GRACIE: No, now wait, wait. ... George, we're not absolutely positive he swallowed the ring. Let's make sure before we do anything. 


GEORGE: How? 


GRACIE: Well, let's take him to a doctor and have him X-rayed. 


GEORGE: I'm not going to a doctor's office just to have a turkey X-rayed. 


GRACIE: Well, all right. While we're there, he can take out your appendix. ...


GEORGE: (IMPATIENT) Now give me the turkey! 


GRACIE: No, George! No. You may be hurting an innocent baby. We'll take him to the doctor and have him X-rayed.


GEORGE: Oh, no, we won't. 


GRACIE: Oh, yes, we will. 


GEORGE: Oh, no, we won't


MUSIC: VERY SHORT TRANSITION 


GRACIE: Here's the doctor's office, George. ...


SOUND: DOCTOR'S DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS 


GRACIE: Er, you stay in here, in the waiting room with the turkey. I'll go see if the doctor's busy. 


GEORGE: Make it snappy. 


TURKEY: (GOBBLES NERVOUSLY)


GEORGE: Be quiet. ...


SOUND: KNOCK ON INNER DOOR 


DOCTOR: Come in.


SOUND: INNER DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES AS GRACIE ENTERS 


GRACIE: Uh, are you the doctor?


DOCTOR: Yes. I'm sorry my receptionist isn't here today, but I always come to the office on Thanksgiving. Do a tremendous bicarbonate business. ... 


GRACIE: Well, I want you to take an X-ray.


DOCTOR: Very well. Step behind that screen and remove your clothes, please. 


GRACIE: All right, doctor, but can I peek over the screen while you X-ray the patient? ... 


DOCTOR: You're not the patient? 


GRACIE: Oh, no, no. My husband has him outside. Uh, we think he swallowed a ring. 


DOCTOR: Oh, a baby? 


GRACIE: Yes, yes, he's only about two weeks old. 


DOCTOR: Is he in any pain?


GRACIE: Oh, no, no -- he's very lively. On the way here, he jumped out of the car and my husband chased him for a block. ... 


DOCTOR: And he's only two weeks old? 


GRACIE: (YES) Mm hm. ... But very agile. We finally caught him on top of the mailbox. ...


DOCTOR: (TO HIMSELF) This promises to be a remarkable case. ... (TO GRACIE) Er, how did he happen to swallow this ring? 


GRACIE: Well, the ring fell on the ground and I think he ate it by mistake when he snapped at a grasshopper. ... 


DOCTOR: You allow him to eat grasshoppers?! What kind of a mother are you?! 


GRACIE: Ohhhh, I'm not his mother. He's an orphan. His mother and father were killed by the Salvation Army. ...


DOCTOR: I'm a bit confused. ... Suppose you just bring the patient in? 


GRACIE: All right. I hope you can take the X-ray through his feathers. ...


DOCTOR: The baby has feathers?!


GRACIE: Well, certainly. All turkeys do.


DOCTOR: The patient is a turkey?! ...


GRACIE: Yes. Now, I'll bring him in for X-rays. 


DOCTOR: Madam, I am not a veterinarian! 


GRACIE: Well, who cares if you eat meat? Just X-ray the patient. ...


DOCTOR: (CALMLY) I'll make a bargain with you. I'll X-ray your turkey, if you'll will your brain to medical science. ...


GRACIE: (GAMELY) All right -- if you can't get Einstein. (CHUCKLES) Imagine you thinking the turkey was a baby. (CHUCKLES) 


DOCTOR: Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Well, I guess I should have realized that a two-week-old baby wouldn't snap at grasshoppers.


GRACIE: (LAUGHS) Well, of course not! My brother Willie didn't start until he was a grown man. ...


DOCTOR: (TO HIMSELF) For this I opened my office. ... 


SOUND: INNER DOOR OPENS


GRACIE: (CALLS) Oh, all right, George -- bring the turkey in. 


SOUND: GEORGE ENTERS ... INNER DOOR CLOSES


GEORGE: (SHEEPISH) Here he is, doctor. Gosh, I feel silly. You must think I'm the world's prize idiot.


DOCTOR: (QUIET, POLITE) No, there's already been a winner. ...


TURKEY: (GOBBLES NERVOUSLY)


GRACIE: Now, quiet, baby -- you're gonna be X-rayed to see if you swallowed the ring. 


DOCTOR: I'll just put him behind the fluoroscope here.


SOUND: CLICK! OF SWITCH ... BUZZ OF X-RAY MACHINE


GRACIE: Oh, my goodness! I don't see the ring, but he certainly has swallowed a lot of bones.


DOCTOR: (BEAT, EVENLY) You are looking at his skeleton. ... Wait, I see it! The ring is in his esophagus. 


GRACIE: Oh, now, doctor, I'm over twenty-one; you can say "stomach" in front of me. ...


DOCTOR: (PATIENTLY) It's not in the bird's stomach. It's lodged halfway down its throat. 


GEORGE: Can we, er--? Can we get it without killing him? 


DOCTOR: Not unless he coughs it up -- and turkeys rarely cough. 


GEORGE: (RESIGNED) Then I'll have to kill him. Come on, Gracie. 


GRACIE: Oh, no, no, George! Please -- give him a chance.


GEORGE: But suppose he never coughs up the ring? I'll have to cough up a thousand dollars. 


GRACIE: Oh. I thought you kept your money in the bank. ... 


GEORGE: Come on!


MUSIC: "OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM" ... BRIDGE 


TURKEY: (GOBBLES UNHAPPILY)


GRACIE: Well, come on, George -- blow some more smoke in the turkey's face. It'll make him cough.


GEORGE: This is silly. 


GRACIE: Well, try once more -- a great big puff. 


GEORGE: (INHALES SMOKE, COUGHS)


GRACIE: Ah! There, he coughed!


GEORGE: He didn't cough; I coughed. ...


GRACIE: Well, why? You didn't swallow the ring. ...


GEORGE: I swallowed some smoke.


GRACIE: Oh. Well, we don't need that; you can keep it. ...


GEORGE: Well, thanks. 


SOUND: DOORBELL BUZZES


GEORGE: (CALLS) Come in! 


SOUND: DOOR OPENS ... THEN CLOSES BEHIND--


GOODWIN: (ENTERS) Well, hi, Burnses. What's doin'? 


GRACIE: Oh, hello, Bill. George is blowing smoke at the turkey.


GOODWIN: (BEAT, AS IF TO A CHILD) George, you have to kill it before you smoke it. ... 


GEORGE: I'm not smoking the turkey.


GRACIE: No, he's smoking a cigar. ...


GEORGE: I'm trying to get a wedding ring out of this turkey. 


GOODWIN: (DOUBTFUL) Well, George, I don't think you two will be happy together. ...


GEORGE: Er, Bill-- 


GOODWIN: But if you do make a go of it, I hope your kids look like the turkey. ...


GEORGE: If you'll be quiet a minute, I'll explain this thing. 


GOODWIN: Okay. 


GEORGE: It's a fascinating story. You see, there's a big wedding tomorrow and I've been picked as the best man.


GOODWIN: Well, right away it's fascinating. ... 


GEORGE: Bob Webster is getting married and he gave me a wedding ring to keep for him. 


GOODWIN: Bob Webster, huh? Who's he marryin'? 


GEORGE: Marian Carroll. 


GRACIE: (CHUCKLES) Oh, George, you still haven't got it straight. He's marryin' that Irish girl.


GEORGE: (DISMISSIVE) Oh, quiet. 


GRACIE: I thought it was O'Nuts? ... 


GEORGE: Well, anyway, Bill, the ring cost a thousand dollars, Gracie dropped it, and this turkey swallowed it.


GRACIE: And now George wants to kill the little defenseless turkey. How can we stop him, Bill? 


GOODWIN: Well, that's easy. Give the poor miserable little creature a cup of Maxwell House Coffee. 


GRACIE: The turkey? 


GOODWIN: No, George. ... 


GRACIE: Oh.


GOODWIN: The rich, mellow, good-to-the-last-drop flavor of Maxwell House will put him in such a happy mood that he won't want to kill the turkey. Then he'll go out into the world with a smile on his handsome face and you'll be proud to be seen with him. 


GRACIE: George? 


GOODWIN: No, the turkey. ... Oh, you'll be proud of George, too, because the roaster-fresh goodness of Maxwell House will warm his heart and keep him from harming that innocent bird. Then your little pet can waddle around the house and you can feed him and care for him all his life.


GRACIE: The turkey?


GEORGE &

GOODWIN: No, George! ...


GOODWIN: Just see that he gets plenty of Maxwell House Coffee. It's America's favorite -- a blend of superb Latin American coffees, radiantly roasted to flavor perfection -- and I know he'll be glad to hear me say that.


GRACIE: George? 


GOODWIN: No, the sponsor.


GEORGE &

GRACIE: Ohhhhhhh. ... 


GEORGE: A switch! 


GOODWIN: Yeah.


GEORGE: I see. ... Well, I've heard enough of this. I want that ring and it's just too bad for this turkey. I'm gonna take the axe and let him have it.


GOODWIN: Oh, don't let him have it, George. He'll beat your brains out. ...


GEORGE: I'm going out and sharpen the axe, and if that turkey hasn't coughed up that ring in thirty minutes, he's through. 


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES AS GEORGE EXITS


GRACIE: Oh, I wish I had never seen Molly O'Quiet's wedding ring. 


GEORGE: Gracie, her name is Marian Carroll and she's a very sweet girl; I know her.


GRACIE: You mean she's tenderhearted? 


GOODWIN: Oh, yeah. She cried like a baby when she found out she couldn't marry me.


GRACIE: Oh.


GOODWIN: Yeah.


GRACIE: Well, then I think I can save this turkey. Call her and get her over here right away. 


MUSIC: TRANSITION


GRACIE: So that's the situation, Marian. Your ring is inside this darling little turkey and I know you wouldn't want him killed. 


TURKEY: (GOBBLES FOR SYMPATHY)


MARIAN: Well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Burns, but I've got to have my wedding ring. 


GRACIE: Well, you can have it. But the turkey goes with it. 


MARIAN: (EXHALES) Well, suppose people want to see the ring? 


GRACIE: Show 'em an X-ray. ... 


MARIAN: But I can't get married without a ring. 


GRACIE: Oh, sure, you can. Just change the ceremony a little bit. The groom says, "With this turkey I thee wed." ...


MARIAN: Now look, I've got to have my wedding ring. I can't go on a honeymoon without it.


GRACIE: (SHRUGS) So the turkey goes with you. He'll make a wonderful chaperone. 


MARIAN: Well, now, why would I need a chaperone on my honeymoon?


GRACIE: Well, husbands get awfully fresh. ... George even tried to kiss me. ... 


MARIAN: Oh, Mrs. Burns, I'd be embarrassed taking a turkey on my honeymoon.


GRACIE: Well, then wrap it up in a blanket and say it's your baby. ... 


MARIAN: I, er-- I don't believe that would save embarrassment.


GRACIE: Well, don't forget, the turkey might cough up the ring.


MARIAN: Well, what would make a turkey cough? 


GRACIE: Well, now look. Get this picture: the three of you are on your honeymoon. The turkey has been out for a walk and he comes back unexpectedly and catches you and your husband holdin' hands. Naturally he wants to let you know he's there, so he gives a little cough. (COUGHS) Bingo! Out pops the ring. ...


MARIAN: Mrs. Burns, I've heard enough. 


GRACIE: I've really convinced you, huh? 


MARIAN: No. I'm being married in a few hours and I want my ring, turkey or no turkey.


GRACIE: Well, look, Marian, I'll make a bargain with you. Spare this turkey's life and I'll see that you get the thrill supreme at your wedding.


MARIAN: What's that? 


GRACIE: My husband will sing. 


MARIAN: (EXASPERATED SIGH)


GRACIE: His romantic voice is perfect for a wedding.


MARIAN: But I--


GRACIE: When George sings, people think they're at a wedding whether they are or not. The minute he opens his mouth, they start throwing old shoes. ...


MARIAN: Oh, now really, Mrs. Burns--


SOUND: DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS AS GEORGE ENTERS


GEORGE: Well, Gracie, time's up. I've come for the turkey.


TURKEY: (GOBBLES WITH ALARM!)


MARIAN: Hello, Mr. Burns. 


GEORGE: Oh, hello, Marian. 


GRACIE: Er, George, Marian wants you to sing at her wedding. Give her a sample of your orange blossom baritone. 


MARIAN: Oh, but, Mr. Burns, I-- 


GEORGE: Now, now, Marian, I'll be glad to do it. Get a load of this. (SINGS, NOT WELL) "I love you truly -- truly dear--"


TURKEY: (GOBBLES UNHAPPILY) ...


GEORGE: (SINGS) Life with its sorrow--


TURKEY: (GOBBLES UNHAPPILY) ...


GEORGE: (SINGS) Life with its tear--


TURKEY: (GOBBLES UNHAPPILY, THEN STARTS TO GAG VIOLENTLY, IN BG) ...


GEORGE: (KEEPS RIGHT ON SINGING BADLY, IN BG)


TURKEY: (COUGHS UP WEDDING RING BEHIND--)


GRACIE: George! The turkey is choking! 


MARIAN: (PLEASED) Oh, look. He coughed up my wedding ring.


GRACIE: Oh, how wonderful!


MARIAN: I'll take it with me just to be safe. Goodbye, Mrs. Burns.


GRACIE: Goodbye, Marian!


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES AS MARIAN EXITS


GRACIE: Oh, George? George, she's gone.


GEORGE: (STOPS SINGING) Oh. Oh. Do I--? Do I get the job? 


GRACIE: Yes, dear. Any time a turkey swallows a wedding ring we'll call on you. 


GEORGE: (PLEASED) Well, I'm a success. ...


MUSIC: THEME 


SOUND: APPLAUSE


GEORGE: Good night! Happy Thanksgiving! 


MUSIC/SOUND: FADE OUT


NBC ANNCR: This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.


MUSIC: NBC CHIMES

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