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Gracie Runs for President

The Hinds Honey and Almond Cream Program (Burns and Allen)

Gracie Runs for President

Feb 28 1940


GRACIE ALLEN, daffy comedienne

GEORGE BURNS, her straight man; disbelieving, dry, and sarcastic

TRUMAN BRADLEY, announcer; smooth

FRANK PARKER, singer; girl crazy

RAY NOBLE, bandleader; silly Englishman

BUBBLES, bubbly and sweet







OPERATOR, filter

MARVIN, filter

TRUMAN: Hell-lotion, my friends! "The Hinds Honey and Almond Cream Program"!


TRUMAN: Starring George Burns and Gracie Allen, with Frank Parker, Ray Noble and His Orchestra, and Truman Bradley speaking.


TRUMAN: And now for those two friendly hams, George Burns and "Hinds Honey" Gracie Allen!


GEORGE: Thank you. Thank you very much.

GRACIE: Hello.

GEORGE: Hello. Gracie, coming down to the studio tonight I saw a big banner saying, "Vote for Gracie."

GRACIE: Yeah, I know.

GEORGE: All over town I see billboards saying, "Put Gracie in the White House."

GRACIE: (YES) Mm hm.

GEORGE: It's in the newsreels. It's in the papers. Signs right here on the street saying, "Send Gracie to Washington." What does this mean?

GRACIE: Well, George, I'll let you in on a secret. I'm running for president.


GEORGE: You're--? You're running--? You're running for president?


GEORGE: Gracie, how long has this been going on?

GRACIE: Well, for a hundred and fifty years. George Washington started it. ...

GEORGE: Gracie, why are you running for president?

GRACIE: Well, because that's the only way you can get to the White House. You can't just walk in and sit down.

GEORGE: The idea is preposterous.

GRACIE: Not only that, but it pays good money. ...

GEORGE: Look, you don't stand a chance. Presidents are born.

GRACIE: Well, what do you think I was -- hatched? ...

GEORGE: Listen, there's nobody who'd be any happier about your success than I'd be. But in the entire history of the United States there's never been a woman president.

GRACIE: Well, yeah, isn't that exciting? I'd be the first one! ...

GEORGE: But I tell you--

FRANK: Hello, George. Hello, Gracie.

GEORGE: Hello.

GRACIE: Hello, Frank.

GEORGE: I tell ya, you haven't got a Chinaman's chance.

GRACIE: Well, I don't know about that. Confucius say, "Lady who has eye on presidential chair pretty soon gets seat on it." ...

GEORGE: And George Burns say, "Girl who talk nutty Wednesday make good nuts Sunday." ...

GRACIE: (LAUGHS) That's good. (LAUGHS)

GEORGE: How do you like that joke, Frank?

FRANK: Egyptian monument. ...

GEORGE: Egyptian monument?

FRANK: Sphinx!

GEORGE: It does, huh? ... Gracie, have you any idea what a person has to be before they can become president?

GRACIE: Sure. Elected. ...

GEORGE: The whole thing is absurd.

GRACIE: Oh, stop worrying, George. I may not even be elected until next November.

GEORGE: Well, that's a load off my mind.

GRACIE: I might not even be in the White House before Nineteen Forty-One.

GEORGE: I see. In other words, you're as good as in.

GRACIE: I'm better than in.

GEORGE: What do you mean you're better than in?

GRACIE: Well, if I was in now, I'd have to be getting out next January. ...

GEORGE: (WITH CONTEMPT) You -- the President of the United States!

GRACIE: And Mexico. ...

GEORGE: And Mexico?!

GRACIE: Well, sure. It's just across the border from California, so it'll be easy for them to vote for me.

GEORGE: Hm. What about Canada?

GRACIE: It'll be a landslide. ...

GEORGE: You know, this may be a shock to you, but there are some places that don't belong to the United States.

GRACIE: So what? How many votes are there in Glendale anyway? ...

GEORGE: For president, it takes a person with tremendous stamina. A person with unusual ability and sound judgment. A mental genius.

GRACIE: Oh, thanks.

GEORGE: Thanks. ... A president has to have courage and show plenty of backbone.

GRACIE: Show plenty of backbone? Well, wait till you see my new evening dress. ...

GEORGE: It still doesn't make you a leader of men. You have to have plenty of followers.

GRACIE: Wait till you see my new evening dress.

GEORGE: Oh, quiet. ... A president must have determination. He must let people see what he's made of.

GRACIE: Wait till you see my new evening dress.

GEORGE: (OVERLAPS WITH ABOVE) --see my new evening dress. I know, I know. ...

FRANK: Say, Gracie, when you're elected president, you ought to change the income tax laws so all stars are allowed the same deductions.

GEORGE: Frank, in this country, everybody's allowed the same deductions.

FRANK: Oh, yeah? Look what Sally Rand is allowed to take off each year! Huh huh! ...

GEORGE: How do I get mixed up in these things?

GRACIE: Well, Frank's helping me in my campaign.

GEORGE: (IRONIC) Then it'll be a tremendous success.

GRACIE: Sure. You see, every day I have to go out and kiss a lot of babies. And Frank goes along with me to kiss the mothers.

FRANK: Heh heh heh! ...

GEORGE: Yeah. He does, huh?


FRANK: Oh, yes, boy! And I'm a terrific speaker. Why, I addressed five hundred mothers this afternoon.

GEORGE: What'd you say to 'em?

FRANK: Get in line there, kiddies, get in line there.

GEORGE: Kiddies. ...

GRACIE: That he did.

GEORGE: Now, listen to me, Gracie, this thing has got to stop before it goes too far.

FRANK: Say, George, didn't you know that Gracie was running for president?

GEORGE: Sure, I knew it. But I didn't think she was serious.

FRANK: Why, certainly she's serious. So are Dewey and Garner.

GEORGE: Yeah, but Dewey and Garner have political affiliations.

GRACIE: Well, maybe that's because they weren't vaccinated. ...

GEORGE: You don't understand. Have you got a Republican or a Democratic machine in back of you?

GRACIE: No. No, that's a bustle. 

GEORGE: A bustle?! ... Well, on you, it looks good. Glad I asked.

RAY: Isn't it exciting, George?

GEORGE: Isn't what exciting?

RAY: Well, if Gracie gets in, it'll be the first time that a woman president has ever been elected for a third term.

GEORGE: A third term?!

RAY: Oh, yes, yes. Oh, she's done a splendid job. I mean, you show me any other country where you can get a double-decker ice cream cone for a nickel.

GEORGE: Ray, I've got a surprise for you. Gracie hasn't done her first and second term yet. You've got her mixed up with Roosevelt.

RAY: Oh, no, I haven't. Roosevelt lives in the White House in Washington and Gracie lives in the yellow house in Beverly Hills. I know.

GEORGE: Ray, some time I'm gonna have you psychoanalyzed.

RAY: Oh, thanks just the same, George, but I've already taken out my first papers.

GEORGE: Well, welcome to our country. ... That's the silliest thing I ever heard of.


BUBBLES: Miss Allen? [?] the photographers are ready now to take those campaign pictures.

GRACIE: Oh! Oh, well, now don't go away, boys, I'll be right back!


GEORGE: Now, listen to me, fellas--

TRUMAN: Stop worrying, George. Gracie's promised to give us all swell government jobs.

GEORGE: Government jobs?!


GEORGE: Are you sap enough to fall for that, Truman?

TRUMAN: Sap? Just a minute, George. That's no way to speak to a Supreme Court justice. ...

GEORGE: Supreme Court justice?! Truman, do you actually believe--?

RAY: Just think, George. I'll be the only ambassador to Great Britain who ever played a violin. ...

GEORGE: Gracie told you that she would make you ambassador to Great Britain, huh?

RAY: Yes. Oh, I had my choice of that or Secretary of the Navy.

GEORGE: I see. But you didn't want to be Secretary of the Navy?

RAY: No, I look so silly in a sailor suit. ...

GEORGE: This whole thing is ridiculous. What did she promise to make you, Frank -- Secretary of the Treasury?

FRANK: Well, she wanted to, George, but I'm too smart to tumble for anything like that.

GEORGE: Well, I'm glad there's somebody left on this program with some sense.

FRANK: I'm the new Postmaster General. ...

GEORGE: Postmaster General?!

FRANK: Sure. On account of my experience.

GEORGE: What experience have you had?

FRANK: (NAUGHTY) Want to play post office?

GEORGE: Oh, go away! Go away! ... Silly man.


GRACIE: Oh, boys! Boys! Wait till you see the picture I had taken.

GEORGE: I'm not interested in any picture. We're here to do a broadcast.

GRACIE: You know, the Democrats have a donkey and the Republicans have an elephant.

GEORGE: What have you got -- a squirrel?

GRACIE: Oh, I wish I'd thought of that. 


GRACIE: But I posed with a kangaroo.

GEORGE: A kangaroo?!

GRACIE: Well, it'll make a wonderful campaign picture.

GEORGE: I'll bet.

GRACIE: It was a mama kangaroo and a little baby kangaroo was stickin' his head out of the pouch and--

GEORGE: A baby kangaroo sticking his head out of the pouch?

GRACIE: Yes, and it's gonna be my election slogan.

GEORGE: What slogan?

GRACIE: "It's in the bag"!

GEORGE: It is, huh?

GRACIE: Nyeah, nyeah, nyeah, nyeah! ...


GEORGE: And now Truman Bradley.

TRUMAN: Has any man ever said to you, "Darling, I'll love you forever"? He says "forever," but you know in your secret heart he means "forever, as long as you keep yourself attractive." So by all means, help your hands keep their smooth loveliness. Use Hinds Honey and Almond Cream day in and day out. Every single ingredient in Hinds Lotion is good for rough or tender skin whether it's on your face, your hands, or your body. This fine fragrant cream helps prevent chapping and roughness and that awful weathered dryness that makes your skin look so drawn and old. Smooth Hinds Lotion all over your red hands and wrists. Notice how even one application makes your chapped hands feel softer, look more appealing. Use Hinds as a powder base, too. See how evenly it holds the powder; no caking at all. And as a body rub, Hinds is a honey. It's so extra creamy, extra softening, that every drop brings real soothing comfort to tender skin. Hinds Honey and Almond Cream contains two vitamins, too: A and D. You can count on Hinds -- H-I-N-D-S -- for softer, smoother, lovelier skin on hands, face, and body. Now -- here is Frank Parker.


FRANK: Thanks, Tru. For my song tonight I've chosen "Yours Is My Heart Alone" by Franz Lehár.



GEORGE: Bravo, bravo! Frank, that was swell.

FRANK: Aw, you're just saying that 'cause I'm the Postmaster General.

GEORGE: Oh, stop.

FRANK: Yes, you are. ...

GEORGE: Silly man.


GRACIE: Frank, I just sent a telegram to my campaign chairman in the Middle West.

FRANK: Oh, good.

GRACIE: He told me he couldn't get any support from the farm belt.

GEORGE: So what?

GRACIE: So I told him to wear suspenders. ...

GEORGE: What happens if the county seat has two pairs of pants?

GRACIE: Oh, George, you're just trying to make me say silly things so people'll laugh at me.

GEORGE: That's bad, huh? ...

TRUMAN: Say, Gracie-- Gracie, what's going to be the name of your party?

GRACIE: Well, Truman, you've heard of the Democratic party and the Republican party?


GRACIE: Well, mine's going to be the Surprise Party. ...

GEORGE: The what?

GRACIE: The Surprise Party. Surprise -- S-U-R-P-R-I-S-E.

GEORGE: Yeah, S for screwy. U for useless.

GRACIE: Yeah, and R for reading, writing, and 'rithmetic.

GEORGE: P for pinhead.

GRACIE: Yeah, and R for, uh, "oysters are in season." And I-- Oh, uh, "an eye for an eye."

GEORGE: A tooth for a tooth.

GRACIE: And S for "some fun" and E for pencils. ...

GEORGE: E--? E for pencils?!

GRACIE: Eversharp? ...

GEORGE: Well, that all de-pencil on how you look at it. ...



TRUMAN: Say-- Say, the Surprise Party's a swell name, I think. How'd you happen to call it that, Gracie?

GRACIE: Well, my daddy's a Democrat and my mother is a Republican--

TRUMAN: Mm hm.

GRACIE: --and when I was born I was a surprise! ...

GEORGE: So was the Panic of Nineteen Hundred and Seven.


BUBBLES: Gracie?

GRACIE: Yes, Bubbles?

BUBBLES: You know those temporary campaign headquarters we opened on Broadway this morning?


BUBBLES: Well, I'm afraid we'll have to move 'em.


BUBBLES: There's a streetcar coming.


GEORGE: Gracie, just tell the streetcar, believe it or not, you're waiting to be president.

RAY: Oh, Gracie, I'm working on your campaign song.

GEORGE: You've got a campaign song?

GRACIE: Oh, yes! It starts like this: (SINGS, TO THE TUNE OF "DARKTOWN STRUTTERS' BALL") "I'll be down to get you with the taxpayers' money / Better be ready 'bout half past eight--"


GRACIE: (SING TOGETHER) "Oh, dearie, don't be late--"

FRANK: Quiet! Quiet!

GEORGE: Let's sing a song, what do you say? ...

RAY: Oh, by the way, Gracie. You know those pictures in Life Magazine of that Republican candidate catching that big mackerel at Miami?


RAY: Well, I just found out that he's just caught it again in Lake Michigan. ...

GEORGE: Ray, the whole thing was done to get votes.

RAY: Oh, really? What's the fish running for? ...

GEORGE: (SARCASTIC) It's because-- It's because it doesn't want to get caught.


GENE: Miss Allen? Did you see this morning's paper?

GRACIE: No, what was in it?

GENE: My lunch. ...

GEORGE: Your lunch?

GRACIE: George, this is my publicity man, Gene.

GENE: How do? Well, I'll run along now, but don't forget, Miss Allen, you're jumping out of that plane in the morning.


GEORGE: You're jumping out of a plane in the morning?!

GRACIE: Only ten thousand feet. It's just to attract attention. ...

GEORGE: You're liable to get killed!

GRACIE: Oh, sure, but look at all the publicity I'll get. ...

GEORGE: Gracie, will you stop this--?


PAINTER: Miss Allen, I'm the sign painter. Are the slogans ready for your campaign signs?

GRACIE: Oh. Well, I'll make up a few right now. Bubbles, get a  pencil.


GRACIE: Uh, hmm. Number one -- uh-- "Confucius says / Gracie Allen for Prez."

PAINTER: Oh, that's wonderful! ...

BUBBLES: I've got it.

GRACIE: Number two -- um -- "Gracie Allen for Alderman."

GEORGE: Gracie Allen for Alderman?!

GRACIE: Yeah, and all the men for Gracie Allen. ...

PAINTER: Say, that's wonderful!

GEORGE: Yes, and baking powder for Burns. ...

GRACIE: Ah, number three -- ... Um-- 


GEORGE: (SURPRISED, PLEASED) Oh! Oh, that's for me?!


GEORGE: Thanks.

GRACIE: Number three-- We'll make one sign with nothing on it.

GEORGE: A sign with nothing on it?

GRACIE: Sure. To get the nudist vote. ...

PAINTER: Oh, that's wonderful!

GEORGE: Gracie, why don't you have a doctor examine your head and if he finds anything, have somebody examine the doctor?

GRACIE: Well, that'd be a good idea for me, too.

GEORGE: Yes, do that. ...

RAY: You know, I think this'll make an awfully jolly sign, Gracie: "If you're twenty-one, vote for Gracie Allen. If you're not twenty-one, have your mother do it for you. If your mother isn't twenty-one, ask your father. If your father isn't twenty-one, then don't bother reading this sign." ...

GRACIE: Oh, I like that! That's good!

PAINTER: Gee, that's wonderful!

GEORGE: (EXPLODES) Sign painter, get out of here with "That's wonderful"!

PAINTER: All right, Mr. Burns, but you'll hear from me when I'm Attorney General. ...


GEORGE: At least, Gracie, if you are elected, I'll get rid of you for four years.

GRACIE: Twelve years.

GEORGE: Twelve years?!

GRACIE: Sure. I'm not superstitious about third terms. 

GEORGE: You're not, huh? ... Do you people realize that right now our sponsor is probably listening?

RAY: Oh, I say, Bubbles -- I happened to see a drawing of you on the Republican poster. Quite flattering, too. Who drew that?

BUBBLES: Mr. Noble, that was an elephant. ...

RAY: That's amazing. What will they teach 'em to do next?

GEORGE: Cheerio.

RAY: Oh, cheerio.


TRUMAN: You know, Gracie, I've been worrying about the speeches you're going to make at your rallies.

GRACIE: Have you rally? ...

TRUMAN: (TAKEN ABACK) Yes. Have you - rally. ...

GEORGE: Well, wait till you hear the speeches, Tru, and then you'll have something to worry about.

TRUMAN: Oh, I'm serious, George. You see, Gracie, a presidential candidate has to shake hands with millions of people.


GEORGE: (ASIDE) As if we don't know what's coming.

TRUMAN: Why, in a single campaign the average candidate shakes enough hands to milk all the cows in the country.

GRACIE: Is that so?

TRUMAN: Mm hm.

GRACIE: And what do they do with all the milk? ...

GEORGE: They - they use it to whitewash their opponents.

GRACIE: Say, George, is it true that the whitewash [?] the backwash--?

GEORGE: (INTERRUPTS) That's enough, Gracie -- you don't even have to finish it!

GRACIE: I want to know.

TRUMAN: So, at your rallies, Gracie, I can protect you. You see, before each meeting I can tell the voters how Hinds Honey and Almond Cream will make their hands soft, and make their hands white, and make their hands smooth.

GRACIE: Well, what if they've only got two hands?

GEORGE: Then they can use a small bottle. 

GRACIE: Oh. ...

GEORGE: See what I mean? Small size.


TRUMAN: Why, they'll only use a twenty-five-cent bottle while you're speaking, Gracie. Their hands'll be thrilling to touch and good to the last drop!

GEORGE: Truman, you're thinking of Maxwell House Coffee.

TRUMAN: Oh, pardon me. ...


GRACIE: Oh, hello, Jim.

JIM: Hello, Miss Allen. Well, they said I couldn't do it! Well, I couldn't get anywhere here in Los Angeles, so I flew right to Sacramento. I couldn't get to first base there. So, without food or sleep, I went on to Jefferson City, Missouri, from there to Springfield, Illinois, on into Albany, New York City, and then to Washington, D. C., and I clicked!

GRACIE: Nice work!

JIM: Here it is!


GEORGE: What is that?!

GRACIE: Horns!

GEORGE: Horns?!

GRACIE: I've gotta give 'em out at my convention.

GEORGE: Well, I give up.

JIM: These are three dollars a dozen, Miss Allen, and they're a steal!

GRACIE: Okay, steal me a dozen. ...

JIM: Now, here's a horn that the Republicans and Democrats are using.


JIM: Of course, this is very hard to blow.

GRACIE: Oh, well, they have more wind than we have. ...

GEORGE: Yeah, but not between the ears. And what is this convention?

GRACIE: For the Chamber of Commerce.

GEORGE: Well, where are you gonna hold it?

GRACIE: By the handle.

GEORGE: Come on, come on!




GRACIE: Uh, Bubbles, sit down and take a letter.

BUBBLES: All right. Now, is the letter important or can I leave my gloves on?

GRACIE: Well, it's, uh--

GEORGE: Gracie, you better talk quietly; she uses a soft pencil.

GRACIE: Oh. ... Um, letter. Uh, Frank, what's today's date?

FRANK: Elsie. Edna couldn't make it. ...

GEORGE: February twenty-eighth.

BUBBLES: All right, I'm ready.

GRACIE: Oh, good. (DICTATES) To all other presidential candidates, semicolon, United States of America, period. Gentlemen, question mark. ...

GEORGE: "Gentlemen, question mark"?! 

BUBBLES: I've got it!

GRACIE: (DICTATES) Well, boys, the jig is up. 

GEORGE: Well, it's a nice opening. Yes, it's fine. ...

GRACIE: (DICTATES) Election Day will be in November this year. Turkeys will cost you thirty-eight cents a pound, cranberries will be fifty cents a bucket, plum puddings will be two dollars each. But a good president won't cost you a nickel, so be sure and go out and vote for me. ... [APPLAUSE]

GEORGE: You're - you're asking the other presidential candidates to vote for you?

GRACIE: Well, sure, there are so many presidential candidates that if I only get half of them to vote for me I'm bound to be elected. ...

GEORGE: I see what you mean.

BUBBLES: Go ahead. Continue.

GRACIE: Er-- (DICTATES) This letter is being dictated by a lady, typewritten by a lady, so don't forget to take your hats off while you're reading it.

BUBBLES: (GIGGLES) I've got it!

GRACIE: All right. Sign it "Gracie Allen, President of the United States" and mail it out right away.

GEORGE: Gracie, you're not president yet.

GRACIE: Well, I will be by the time this letter is delivered. ...

GEORGE: That's some letter.

GRACIE: And, Bubbles, make, er, fifty thousand copies.

BUBBLES: All right.

GEORGE: One for each candidate. 


GEORGE: I thought so, yes.

GRACIE: Bubbles, address the envelopes in girlish handwriting, mark it "personal," and send it to their homes. I want their wives to read it, too.


GEORGE: Fifty thousand copies. Well, it's a nice hunk of postage to throw away.

FRANK: What do you mean "postage"? I'll initial the corners of the envelopes and they won't need stamps.

GEORGE: Frank, will you believe this? For a minute I forgot that you were Postmaster General.

FRANK: Well, that's life, I guess.

GEORGE: Yes, I guess so. ...

BUBBLES: Miss Allen, the reporters are here.

GRACIE: Oh. Oh, well, send them in.

GEORGE: The reporters?

GRACIE: Uh huh.


BUBBLES: This way, gentlemen.


1ST REPORTER: Miss Allen, I'm Harry Crocker of the Examiner.

GRACIE: How do?

2ND REPORTER: Matt Winestock, Daily News.

GRACIE: How do?

3RD REPORTER: Stacy Shawn, Los Angeles Times.

GRACIE: How do?

GEORGE: Gracie, why are you shaking hands with your left hand?

GRACIE: Oh, I'm saving my right hand for when I'm president. ...




1ST REPORTER: Miss Allen, my newspaper wants to know just what your platform is.

GRACIE: Well, it's knotty pine trimmed with oak and inlaid with California redwood. ...

GEORGE: That's to match your head.


GEORGE: I thought so, yes.

2ND REPORTER: Miss Allen, what would be the first thing you would do if you were elected?

GRACIE: I'd put my daddy in the Senate.

GEORGE: Your daddy doesn't know anything about the Senate!

GRACIE: Oh, yeah? He's been makin' speeches from the floor for years.

GEORGE: He's still on the floor, I'll bet.

GRACIE: That's my daddy!

GEORGE: That's the kid, yes. ...

3RD REPORTER: Miss Allen, my city editor wants to know what your opinion is on capitalism versus the little man.

GRACIE: Oh, I don't know. I never go to wrestling matches. ...

1ST REPORTER: Are you in favor of monopolies?

GRACIE: Oh, well, I don't play Monopoly. I like Mahjong better. (GIGGLES)

GEORGE: Yes. ... Yes, and dominoes.


2ND REPORTER: What do you think of the Neutrality Bill?

GRACIE: Well, if we owe it, let's pay it! ...

GEORGE: Gracie, why don't you call this off? You know you know nothing about it. You haven't said one thing that's right.

GRACIE: Well, I'd rather be president than right. ...

GEORGE: Boys, there's no use trying to interview her.

3RD REPORTER: Mr. Burns, will you stop balling her up?

GEORGE: I'm balling her up?!


REPORTERS: Yeah! Yeah! Quiet!

3RD REPORTER: Miss Allen, all the other candidates are talking on how to bring back prosperity. Now, what's your point of view?

GEORGE: She doesn't even know what prosperity is!

GRACIE: I do, too! Prosperity is when business is good enough so that you can buy the things on credit that you can't afford anyway and, that way, you can save enough money to pay cash for new things after they've taken back the things you've bought on credit. Nyeahhhhh! ... [APPLAUSE]

GEORGE: How are you doing, boys?

1ST REPORTER: Miss Allen, would you recognize Russia?

GRACIE: Well, that's hard to say. You see, I meet so many people. ...

GEORGE: You don't have to meet 'em all on this program, do ya?

2ND REPORTER: What do you think of the British blockade?

GRACIE: Oh, we'll get by.

GEORGE: We will, huh?

RAY: Look, I say, George, I don't mind being referred to as British, but I do object to being called a blockade. ...

GEORGE: Boys, this is Ray Noble.



2ND REPORTER: He looks like a pipe cleaner I once threw away. ...

RAY: Well, now, that's possible. Where did you throw me?

GEORGE: Cheerio.

RAY: Oh, cheerio.

2ND REPORTER: Cheerio, yes. ...

3RD REPORTER: Miss Allen, what do you think of our national debt?

GRACIE: Well, we ought to be proud of it. It's the biggest in the world! ...

GEORGE: Boys, either go ahead or just go, so that we can do our broadcast.


GEORGE: Quiet?


REPORTERS: Yeah, quiet!

2ND REPORTER: Now, Miss Allen, how would you keep our gold reserve from shrinking?

GRACIE: Well, I'd wash it in Lux. ...

GEORGE: Truman? Truman, maybe you can get these guys out.

TRUMAN: I'll try, George. (CONFIDENTIALLY, TO REPORTERS) Say, boys, I've got a bottle in my overcoat.


3RD REPORTER: Scotch or rye?

TRUMAN: Hinds Honey and Almond Cream.

GEORGE: (SARCASTIC) Thanks, Truman. ...

FRANK: You're too late, Truman. I gave that bottle to my girl. She's got a couple of chaps I'm trying to get rid of. (CHUCKLES)

TRUMAN: Thanks, Frank. ...

GEORGE: Boys, this is Frank Parker, the Postmaster General.

2ND REPORTER: He ought to be swell. He's got a face like an old-style one-cent stamp. ...

GEORGE: Hmm. That's a nice T.L. for ya, Pinky.

FRANK: Thanks.

1ST REPORTER: Now, Miss Allen, just a few more questions. Is there anything you can actually--?

GEORGE: Boys! Boys! Are you through?!

1ST REPORTER: Not yet, Mr. Burns, but don't feel that you have to stick around on our account.

GEORGE: Well, this is the end. I'm gonna call up the sponsor and explain the whole thing to him. I'm not gonna lose my job! 


1ST REPORTER: Come on, boys, let's finish the interview. 

GEORGE: Operator, get me long distance.

OPERATOR: Hold the line.

1ST REPORTER: Miss Allen, is there anything that--?

RAY: (INTERRUPTS) Now, please, boys. Mr. Burns is calling the sponsor.

3RD REPORTER: Hey, this Noble guy looks very familiar. Uh, Mr. Noble, didn't I once see you in Yonkers?

RAY: I don't think so. I haven't worn a pair of Yonkers in years. ...

OPERATOR: Long distance!

GEORGE: Get me Mr. Marvin of the Hinds Honey and Almond Cream Company, New York.

OPERATOR: Hold the line.

1ST REPORTER: Miss Allen, is there anything that you can actually promise the voters?

GRACIE: Oh, sure. I can promise voters that if I can't find a way to reduce the high cost of living, then we'll just have to do without it.

OPERATOR: Here's your party!

GEORGE: Hello, Mr. Marvin?


GEORGE: This is George Burns speaking.

MARVIN: Oh, yes. How are you?

GEORGE: Well, I just want to call you up and tell you that I have nothing to do with Gracie's running for president. I've been trying to do a broadcast and all she's been doing is giving away political jobs.

GRACIE: Well, that's a president's privilege, and believe me--

GEORGE: Oh, quiet. Quiet, let me get through talking! (INTO PHONE, ANGRY) It's ridiculous, Mr. Marvin -- making an orchestra leader an ambassador. Making a tenor a Postmaster General. And making an announcer a Supreme Court justice. It's not my doing and I just want to tell you that I'm not going to stand for it!

MARVIN: Just a minute, Mr. Burns. Don't raise your voice to the Secretary of State.

GEORGE: Secretary of State?! ... Now I've heard everything.



GEORGE: And here's a bit of handy advice.

TRUMAN: Children love playing in the snow. But you know how that cold wind and freezing slush can chap their hands and knees. They come indoors with cheeks as red as apples, looking so healthy and lovable, but the first thing you know, their tender skin feels so uncomfortable. And their little hands are so red and chapped you feel possibly sorry for them. Now, it's easy to help guard against chapping in the first place. Train your youngsters to cream their hands and faces with Hinds before going out in the cold. Hinds Honey and Almond Cream is extra creamy, extra softening. Helps keep skin smooth and comfortable. Put a bottle of Hinds in the coat closet, ready to smooth on hands and faces and knees. Children love Hinds. It's so nice and fragrant. Not sticky, either. Just feels so grand and soothing. You can get Hinds Honey and Almond Cream at toilet goods counters in ten, twenty-five, fifty cent sizes or the big economy dollar size for family use.

GEORGE: And now Gracie will sing "Chula Chihuahua." Sing it.



TRUMAN: Now you can enjoy both Hinds Lotion in bottles and Hinds Hand Cream in jars. Those smart red-and-white jars contain the fluffiest, creamiest hand cream Hinds could make. Like the famous Hinds Lotion, the new Hinds Hand Cream is quick softening for chapped hands. It comes in two sizes: ten cents and thirty-nine cents a jar.

GEORGE: Thanks, Truman. Well, Gracie, say good night.

GRACIE: No, wait. First I want to thank Bill Corum for his lovely wire endorsing my campaign.


GEORGE: Well, good. Now say good night.

GRACIE: Well, good night. I'll see ya in the White House.

GEORGE: Say good night.



TRUMAN: Next Wednesday at this same time, over these same stations, George and Gracie and all the rest of us will be back again, don't forget. And don't forget, for honeymoon hands, it's Hinds Honey and Almond Cream. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.





Burns and Allen

Gracie's Speech to the Press Club

Excerpt from Mar 13 1940 episode







1ST LADY: Wasn't Eleanor Roosevelt charming when she made her speech?

2ND LADY: Yes, simply wonderful, and so down to earth.

3RD LADY: Look! Gracie Allen's getting up to make a speech!


GRACIE: Er, Madam Chairman, members of the Women's National Press Club, Mrs. Roosevelt, and other honored guests. I, er, hope you'll pardon me for reading my speech, but, you see, I have to. Otherwise, how will I know when I'm through? ... Er, anyway, um, uh-- Well, I'll just call you girls, because I hardly know you well enough to call you ladies. ... So, girls, please don't expect me to tell you why I'll be the best president we ever had. There are too many obvious reasons why and, anyway, I'm too modest. ... Er, it wouldn't be good to talk about politics, either. I'm afraid you women couldn't agree with my opinions any more than you can with your own. ... And I certainly can't talk about the other candidates with so many of their wives here. Um, and there's no sense talking about clothes, because none of us can buy any till the campaign expenses are paid for. ... And, as far as I'm concerned, I can't even charge them till I've found out whether I'm gonna be elected or working for a living. ... So I guess I'll just have to wind up talking about men -- and why they should be repealed. ... 

Now, don't think I'm panning the men, but it's time we had a woman president. [APPLAUSE] Millions of people tell me that. Well, maybe not millions, but thousands. Or, anyway, hundreds. At least, my sister Betsy told me that. ... So what's my opinion against millions of people? So, of course, I won't be the first woman president. I'll be the first woman who's president officially, that's all. ... Now, er-- We've been having unofficial women presidents ever since Martha Washington let George take all the credit. And in those days there wasn't any Seattle to fly to, so she just ran a candy shop on the side. ... [APPLAUSE] Um, where was I? Oh, yes! It's time we girls get together and go places. And why shouldn't we do our backseat driving from the front seat? Why are men the only ones who can get suits with two pairs of slacks? Because it's a man's world, that's why!

LADIES: (MURMUR IN AGREEMENT) Why, she's absolutely right!

GRACIE: Why, just the other day in Hollywood, a Scotchman -- he was in kilts and he got on a streetcar and an old lady in riding pants got up and gave him her seat! ... That's what this man's world is doing to us. But, on the other hand, women will admit men aren't a total loss. Why shouldn't we? We're just as broadminded as men no matter how stubborn and narrow they are. ... Why, I'll be the first to give a man credit when he's done something really big no matter how small it is. ... Even a man who gets to be president is surprised. His mother knows he'll be president before he's born, but he's never sure of it till he hears from Mr. Farley. ... And to show you this is a man's world: Just before dinner, Mrs. Burton Wheeler was telling me about her husband. On top of all his campaign worries, his chickens are a big problem. She says Mr. Wheeler's rooster has been lying awake nights trying to figure a way to produce better eggs and more of them. Then, in the daytime, the rooster is so tired the hens have to wake him up to crow about the eggs that they have laid. ... 

But our day is coming, we hope. Women in all walks of life know what time it is, even if they're a little late in gettin' there. And you wives know what's going on, even if ya can't prove it! ... And, oh, it would be wonderful if men and women could play fifty-fifty, but how can they? Half the time, the men think they're right. Now, why can't men and women be as friendly to each other as women are? Take two women. There you've got the most beautiful friendship in the world as soon as they find out they both hate the same girl friend. ... And - and that friendship can't be broken till they find out they both like the same boy friend. ... 

Well, I guess it's our own fault. We spoil men. Well, we shouldn't say men are just grown-up boys. It's bad for the men, and very discouraging for the boys. ... On the other hand, how can you resist a man who does sweet considerate little things for you? Like Mrs. Dewey told me about her husband. Only last month when she was carrying his armchair over to the window, she dropped her handkerchief and he picked it up for her. ... Now, you know, it's things like that that make men worth living. So in conclusion, girls, I can't actually promise that electing me will make men any better, but don't forget this: the most annoying thing about men is that they're so hard to catch. So, girls, with me in the White House, you'll at least know where to look for them. Thank you. ...



Burns and Allen

Surprise Party Platform

Excerpt from Mar 27 1940 episode







BUBBLES: Say, Gracie, the newspapers all over the country are waiting for your party platform.

GRACIE: Oh, yes, I was working on it last night and I'll read what I've written. (CLEARS THROAT, READS) "Text of the Surprise Party Platform as outlined by candidate Gracie Allen. Plank Number One: Unemployment and Where to Get It." ...

GEORGE: "Unemployment and Where to Get It"?

GRACIE: Now, please, George -- I thought of it first.

GEORGE: Yes, that's yours.

GRACIE: (READS) "Under my administration, the government will give free correspondence courses so that people who can't find jobs in their own line will soon be without jobs in three or four different types of work." ...

GEORGE: Well, that's nice work if you can't get it.

GRACIE: Uh, for instance--


GRACIE: I'll teach people to milk cows by mail--

GEORGE: By mail?!

GRACIE: --how to raise mushrooms and a twin bed--

GEORGE: Oh, that's amazing.

GRACIE: --how to get good bridge hands when it's your deal--

GEORGE: Well, you must be elected.

GRACIE: --two hundred things to do with an old toupee, and so forth.

GEORGE: Well, that's not a platform, that's a laundry chute.

GRACIE: (ADMONISHES GENTLY) Now, George, I'm reading.

GEORGE: Oh, yes.

GRACIE: I'll even give a home course in barbering if I can get Montana to cooperate.

GEORGE: Well, I'll talk to 'em.

GRACIE: My plan is to send each student barber a live sheep and a razor. ...

GEORGE: That's a lovely plan.

GRACIE: Then when he's learned to shave the sheep, he can write his own diploma on the sheep's back. ...

GEORGE: Where does he learn to write?

GRACIE: Now, please--

GEORGE: Oh, you're coming to that.

GRACIE: Uh, this is better than having a sheepskin in a picture frame, because with a live sheep hanging on his wall, a barber will have something to wipe his hands on. ...

GEORGE: Well, that's not ba-a-a-ad. (LIKE A SHEEP)

GRACIE: Now-- ... Now, Plank Number Two.


GRACIE: It's based on a moral.

GEORGE: A moral.

GRACIE: (READS) "Moral: To prevent wrinkles, hang your face up at night. Ya don't wear your pants to bed, do you?" ... [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

GEORGE: That's just what this country needs!

GRACIE: Of course.


GRACIE: And it's covered under this heading: "My Plan for Sociable Security."

GEORGE: Sociable Security?

GRACIE: Yes. (READS) "To be secure sociably, stay away from society."

BUBBLES: Say, that's good!

GEORGE: (DRY) It's terrific!

GRACIE: (READS) Uh, "dinner parties are getting so ritzy that even if you find the right soup spoon, you're still puzzled. You don't know which fork to pick it up with." ...

GEORGE: That's why they put pencils on the end of erasers.

GRACIE: George, do you want to hear this or don't you?

GEORGE: I don't.

GRACIE: Well, then listen.

GEORGE: Mmm. ...

GRACIE: (READS) "There are more rules of etiquette than traffic laws. For instance! If a gentleman is lying under a table in a nightclub, should he rise if a lady comes in?"

GEORGE: No, just tip his ice bag. ... 

GRACIE: And, er--

GEORGE: And say, "How do?"



GRACIE: (ADMONISHES) George! (READS) "And what should a girl do after a gentleman brings her home from a café? Should she ask him in to meet her husband?" ...

GEORGE: Well? Should she?

GRACIE: Well, let the Republicans answer that. ...

GEORGE: Gracie, I'd like to ask you one thing. What does your Surprise Party stand for?

GRACIE: Well, because it would look silly lying down. ...

GEORGE: Well, it would not.

GRACIE: (READS) Plank Number Three--

RAY: You know, I don't think Social Security's any problem at all. All you have to do is have trousers come with two pairs of suspenders.

GRACIE: Yeah, and that could hold up the budget at the same time. ...

BUBBLES: Now, Gracie, in your platform, aren't you going to say anything about finances?

GRACIE: Finanaces? I certainly am. I think every girl should have one. ... [...] And now for Plank Number Three which is also based on a moral.

GEORGE: What's the idea of all these morals?

GRACIE: Well, they're mostly to fill the cracks between the planks.

GEORGE: Mm. ... So that it matches your head.

GRACIE: Mm hm.

GEORGE: Thought so, yes. 


GEORGE: Better take it.


CHARLIE: Hello, ya remember me -- Charlie Henderson, the fellow who wrote the campaign song?

GEORGE: Oh, yes. Hello, Charlie.

CHARLIE: Hello, Mr. Henderson. ...

GEORGE: Er, you're Mr. Henderson and what is it you want?

CHARLIE: I want to talk to Charlie. ...

GEORGE: Look, uh, I'm George Burns--

CHARLIE: Oh, wait, I'll see if he's in! ...

GEORGE: Here, Gracie, you talk to him; I'm going nuts.

GRACIE: Oh, hello, Charlie!

CHARLIE: Hello, Gracie! Well, look, I'll be a trifle late. On my way to meet you, I got on a one-way street and it took me a little out of my way.

GRACIE: Well, where are you?

CHARLIE: In Salt Lake City. ...

GRACIE: Well, don't worry. Instead of an eight-thirty dinner, we'll make it eight forty-five. Goodbye.

CHARLIE: Goodbye.


GEORGE: He came down to meet you here and he's in Salt Lake City?

GRACIE: Well, you see he washed his car this morning and he can't do a thing with it! ...

GEORGE: Well, he ought to trade it in for a rattle.

GRACIE: (READS) Uh, Plank Number Three: "Bigger Figures for Small Businessmen."

GEORGE: Bigger figures for small businessmen? That's to keep their bustles out of the red, I guess.


GEORGE: Yes. ...

GRACIE: (READS) "A chicken in every pot is fine, if you're not the chicken." ...

GEORGE: I see.

GRACIE: (READS) "But what this country needs is a pretty girl in every lap."

GEORGE: Say, you've got something there.

GRACIE: Sure. Idle knees are the root of all evil.

GEORGE: Idle knees!

GRACIE: (READS) Plank Number Four--


CHARLIE: Hello, Gracie.

GRACIE: Oh, hello, Charlie!

GEORGE: Do you mean to say you came all the way from Salt Lake City in two minutes?

CHARLIE: I would have been here sooner only I had an accident.

GEORGE: An accident?!

CHARLIE: I went through the windshield.

GEORGE: Atta boy.

CHARLIE: Please! Don't pat me on the back! My head keeps falling off! ...

GEORGE: Well, I've had enough of this.

GRACIE: (READS) Plank Number Four: Immortality--

GEORGE: And I've had enough of that, too. I've enough of these [?]



Burns and Allen

Till the Cows Come Home

Excerpt from Apr 03 1940 episode








BUBBLES: Say, Gracie, I typed that speech for you.

GRACIE: Thanks, Bubbles.

BUBBLES: But, you know, I had a little trouble with the typewriter. Some of the O's are upside down. ...

GEORGE: Uh, what, uh--? What speech?

BUBBLES: And you'll notice, Gracie, I've got "farmers" in caps.

GRACIE: Farmers in caps? Well, I always thought they wore straw hats! (GIGGLES) ...

GEORGE: Look, don't tell me that you're gonna make a speech.

GRACIE: Just to the farmers.

TRUMAN: Dewey and Garner made a speech to the farmers last week.

GRACIE: Oh, the copycats!

GEORGE: Yeah, they stole the stuff you haven't done yet.

GRACIE: Well, now for my speech. (ORATING) Farmers, farmers' wives, and Sammy Cohen--

GEORGE: Sammy Cohen?

GRACIE: Yeah. Oh, pardon me -- it's semicolon.

GEORGE: Semicolon, huh? ... It's that little dark fella.

GRACIE: Yeah, yeah. I'll start again. (ORATING) Farmers, farmers' wives, farmers' sons, farmers' daughters, hired hands and tractor salesmen.

GEORGE: What about the boys in the backroom?

GRACIE: See what they'll have.

GEORGE: Truman, see what they'll have. ...

GRACIE: (ORATING) My subject tonight is: The Care and Feeding of Farmers and How to Cook It. ...

GEORGE: How to cook it?!

GRACIE: (ORATING) Uh, my opponents have said that they're gonna fight me until the cows come home. Ohhhhhhh, so they admit the cows aren't home! 

GEORGE: Hmm. ...

GRACIE: (ORATING) Oh, why aren't the cows home? Because they don't like conditions on the farm! The cows are smart. They're not coming home until there's a woman in the White House.

GEORGE: I see. ... Well, how do you--? Gracie--? [APPLAUSE FOR GRACIE] What I'd like to know is: How do you know what the cows think about?

GRACIE: Bubbles tells me everything. ...

GEORGE: Oh, go 'head, go 'head. Go right ahead.

GRACIE: (ORATING) So if you farmers want contented cows, have your wives knit each cow a glove, and in that way, my friends--

GEORGE: Now wait just a minute. Uh, one glove for each cow?

GRACIE: Well, sure. So that when the cow isn't being milked, it can keep its fingers warm. ...

GEORGE: I, uh-- I guess you - you "fingered" that out for yourself.



GEORGE: How do you like that, Frank?

FRANK: Cocktails for two.

GEORGE: Cocktails for two?

FRANK: It's drinks.

GEORGE: It does, huh? ... [...]

GRACIE: (ORATING) So, my friends, what the American farm needs is the touch of a woman's hand. Therefore, I say, "The hand that rocks the cradle should pull the plow." ...

GEORGE: That's what you say.

GRACIE: Yes. (ORATING) Friends, it's women who have made history.

BUBBLES: You said it.


GRACIE: (ORATING) When Romeo drank the poison, who got the nickel back on the bottle? ...

GEORGE: Jack Benny?


GEORGE: I'm wrong, huh?

GRACIE: No. (ORATING) After Julius Caesar was stabbed, who darned up the holes in his sweater?

GEORGE: Hm. Mary Livingstone?


GEORGE: I'm wrong again. ...

GRACIE: (ORATING) When Paris gave Helen of Troy a wooden horse, who put two dollars on its nose?

GEORGE: Bing Crosby?


GEORGE: Wrong again, eh? ...

GRACIE: (ORATING) When Napoleon was losing at Waterloo, who was Josephine playing rummy with?

GEORGE: Oh, who? Who?

GRACIE: Oh, don't ask me. Write to your congressman.

GEORGE: I see. ... Well, what are you trying to prove? That women should run the farms?

GRACIE: Well, the least they could do is have scarecrows wear dresses instead of pants.

GEORGE: Well, that's a nice compromise.

GRACIE: Oh, thanks, I got it at Bullock's.

GEORGE: Oh, and it's pretty, too, yes. ... [...]

GRACIE: (ORATING) So, my friends, I could point out several things that are wrong with farm conditions. But it isn't polite to point.

GEORGE: Yes, so you won't.

GRACIE: (ORATING) The trouble with farms today is they're overcrowded. Asparagus only has standing room.

GEORGE: And mushrooms are living in cellars?


GEORGE: I thought so, yes. ... [...]

GRACIE: (ORATING) Friends, the following are a number of things that women will do for the farm. Number One: We'll put a chalk mark in every chicken coop. Number Two--

GEORGE: A chalk mark in every chicken coop?

GRACIE: So the hens can lay it on the line. ... [APPLAUSE]

GEORGE: Well, that's really [?]

RAY: Say, Gracie, why don't you have milking stools with rumble seats so that the cows can sit down, too? ...

GEORGE: Cows can sit down? Bubbles, pull up a chair. (CHUCKLES AT HIS OWN JOKE) Like that one, Frank?

BUBBLES: Dodo bird.

GEORGE: Dodo bird?

BUBBLES: Extinct.

GEORGE: It did, huh? ... [...] Gracie, your speech, please.

GRACIE: Oh. (ORATING) Well, Number Three: Bustles for farmers' wives -- so that they can be well-dressed and have something to carry the coal in at the same time.

GEORGE: What for?

GRACIE: Two and two.

GEORGE: Oh. I always thought it was three and one.

GRACIE: Oh, well, you see--

GEORGE: I'm wrong.

GRACIE: (ORATING) And in conclusion, my farmer friends, it has always been my custom to leave my audience in a good mood. So-- (CHEERFUL AND RAPID AS SHE MOVES OFF) Deedly-deet, dee-dee dee-dee, deedly-dee-- (CONTINUES IN BG)

GEORGE: Gracie? Gracie? Gracie?  What's that?

GRACIE: (OFF) I'm leavin' in a good mood. Doodly-doot, doo-doodly-deet-- ...

GEORGE: I see.