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Ever After

The Royal Desserts Hour 

Ever After

Apr 14 1938


HOST, Rudy Vallee



HERALD, a small boy (2 lines)



PAGE, another boy (1 line)

HOST: ... By this time, I suspect, practically everyone has seen Walt Disney's delightful "Snow White." If you haven't seen it yet, you ought to. As Westbrook Pegler put it, quote: "'Snow White' is the happiest thing that has happened in the world since the Armistice." Unquote. The picture is a work of perfection. And yet, what happened to Snow White and Prince Charming and the dwarfs after the final fade-out? Did they live happily ever after? We appointed Keith Fowler to imagine an answer and selected Edith Barrett and Vincent Price to act it out for you. Mr. Price, you may know, played Prince Albert to Helen Hayes' Queen Victoria last season. Miss Barrett has been starred in a long series of Broadway hits. Both are currently to the fore in "Shoemaker's Holiday." Edith Barrett and Vincent Price in "Ever After."



HOST: Scene: the royal suite in the royal palace of the royal capital of the kingdom ruled by Prince Charming. It is the morning of the third wedding anniversary of Snow White and the prince. The prince is seated at the royal desk, reading royal papers of state. Snow White enters. He continues to read. Snow White speaks.

SNOW WHITE: Good morning, dear!


SNOW WHITE: I said, "Good morning, dear!"


SNOW WHITE: (DISAPPOINTED WITH HIS RESPONSE, TO HERSELF) Well, that settles that. Let me see, what's another way to start a conversation with your husband? I've got it! (TO PRINCE, DELIBERATELY) How are you feeling today, Charming?


SNOW WHITE: I said, quite distinctly, "How are you feeling today?"

PRINCE: Who, me?

SNOW WHITE: Will you please put down those papers?

PRINCE: (UNENTHUSIASTIC) Oh, hello, darling. I didn't realize you were here.

SNOW WHITE: Of course you didn't. You never do. You never realize I'm even alive unless I scream at you like a-- Like a--

PRINCE: Like a cockatoo.

SNOW WHITE: (OFFENDED) Go ahead! Call me vile names!

PRINCE: Now, look, darling, I simply must dispose of this work in the next hour. I'm working, darling. Now just run along like a nice little princess. (WHISTLES, "WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK")

SNOW WHITE: Charming? How many times do I have to ask you not to whistle that awful tune?

PRINCE: (ICY) You taught it to me, darling.

SNOW WHITE: (MATCHES HIM) Yes, dear. But that was three long years ago. Besides, you can't whistle well at all. Why, even Dopey could whistle better than you.

PRINCE: There you go again! All I ever hear is Dopey, Dopey, Dopey! Why didn't you marry Dopey?!

SNOW WHITE: (BEAT) Sometimes I think I did! ...

PRINCE: (ANNOYED) Now, listen, Snow Drop. I don't know what it is, but recently there's something about you that brings out the worst in me. You never stop nagging unless I yell at you like a-- Like a--

SNOW WHITE: Like a fiend!

PRINCE: (MOCKING) Go ahead. Call me vile names.

SNOW WHITE: Isn't it strange? At one time, I thought you were so handsome. I loved your eyes and your lips, but now I'm not even sure you have a face. It's always buried behind a pile of papers.

PRINCE: I've told you time and time and again, it can't be helped. These papers are important. I have duties to perform, affairs of state.

SNOW WHITE: A man's first duty--

PRINCE: --is to his wife! I've heard that before. You have a bad habit of repeating yourself.

SNOW WHITE: And I'll repeat myself again. A man owes his wife respect and consideration.

PRINCE: But I'm not a man.

SNOW WHITE: For once I agree with you.

PRINCE: I prefer to ignore cheap sarcasm, my dear. I am not a man because I'm a prince. I'm pledged to the service of my kingdom.

SNOW WHITE: How fascinating. And just how do you plan to serve your kingdom today?

PRINCE: Well, in various ways. It's all written down here in these papers. At ten o'clock I shall attend a meeting of the Excalibur Home and Garden Club. I shall plant a tree.

SNOW WHITE: (IRONIC) Statesmanship requires so much intelligence.

PRINCE: At two o'clock I shall be called upon by a delegation of amateur dragon killers. I shall step out on the balcony and bow to them.

SNOW WHITE: (IRONIC) My great big important prince.

PRINCE: At four o'clock a group of wise men will appear at the palace and confer upon me a degree in higher mathematics.

SNOW WHITE: What do you know about higher mathematics?

PRINCE: A silly question, my dear. This is an honorary degree.

SNOW WHITE: I see. And where will I be while this is going on? Where will I be while you're planting your idiotic trees and bowing to beastly amateurs and taking degrees you'd never get if you weren't a prince?

PRINCE: I'm sure I don't know.

SNOW WHITE: Or care. But I'll tell you. (MILDLY MELODRAMATIC) I'll be alone in my room staring at the four walls, eating my heart out. This can't go on. I'm the most miserable wretched girl in the world.

PRINCE: And I'm a brute. My dear, I'm a selfish heartless monster. But I'd like to know one thing, just one little tiny thing. What in the devil have you got to complain about?

SNOW WHITE: You ask me that? You ask me that?! I think I'm going mad! 

PRINCE: It's quite possible.

SNOW WHITE: (QUIETLY) Do you remember all the things you said before we were married? All the things you promised?

PRINCE: I told you that I'd make you happy. And if you're not happy with all I've given you-- Well, you just don't want to be happy. What other girl has a complete set of gold furniture? Name one. Go on, name one.

SNOW WHITE: Must we be vulgar?

PRINCE: And what other girl eats the finest richest foods every day? You've gained at least ten pounds since we were married.

SNOW WHITE: I've gained exactly two pounds, three ounces!

PRINCE: Pheasants for breakfast, swan's giblets for lunch--

SNOW WHITE: Now, there's no need to brag about the palace menu. What are pheasants, what are swan giblets -- without love?



PRINCE: I said, "I love you."

SNOW WHITE: So this is romance. Did you hear yourself? Do you know how you said that? (MIMICS HIM) "I love you, I think it will rain." (TENSE) It would serve you right if I packed up and went away.

PRINCE: Well, why don't you? Why don't you go right back to those seven dwarves?

SNOW WHITE: That's what I keep asking myself. Why don't I go back to dear little Happy, Sleepy, Dopey, Grumpy, Bashful, Doc, and-- (CAN'T REMEMBER) And, um--

PRINCE: Sneezy, I believe.


SNOW WHITE: (TO PRINCE) Guests are being announced. (TO HERALD) Yes, herald?

HERALD: (SHOUTS) Be it known that two have come to pay their respects to Their Royal Highnesses! Be it known that their names are Mr. Doc and Mr. Grumpy!

SNOW WHITE: (PLEASED) Oh, it's my darling Doc and my adorable Grumpy!

PRINCE: Didn't I ask you to keep those peculiar creatures out of here?

SNOW WHITE: I won't listen to another word. You can mistreat me, but you can't be impolite to my friends.

PRINCE: Oh, all right. (CALLS, TO HERALD) Bring 'em in and lock up the silver!

HERALD: (SHOUTS) Mr. Doc and Mr. Grumpy!


SNOW WHITE: Oh, you angels! I've never been so happy in all my life! How are you, Doc?

DOC: Oh, I'm in fine kettle-- Fine fettle--

SNOW WHITE: And how are you, Grumpy?

GRUMPY: Rotten, thanks.

SNOW WHITE: (POINTEDLY) And now the prince wants to tell you how pleased he is to see you.

PRINCE: (FLATLY) I'm pleased to see you.

DOC: Oh, spank you-- Uh, thank you, Your Highness. Thank him, Grumpy.

GRUMPY: What for?

SNOW WHITE: Well, where are the other boys? Why didn't you all come over?

GRUMPY: Well, we're sort of a delegation. Doc's got a speech to make. (IMPATIENT) Make your speech, Doc.

DOC: Dear princess, we swing you-- We bring you beatings-- Greetings! (GABBLES)

GRUMPY: (DISGUSTED) Ohhh, try it again!

DOC: Dear princess, I squeak from-- I speak from a heart chilled with fear-- Filled with cheer! (GABBLES)

GRUMPY: Try it again!

DOC: Dear princess, on this day, your feet sway-- Your sweet face grows-- Blows-- Glows-- (GABBLES)

SNOW WHITE: Just what is it, Grumpy? He'll never get it out.

GRUMPY: Oh, he wants to make a speech about your anniversary. Crazy idea. Lot of sentimental bunk!

SNOW WHITE: (MOVED) Oh, you darlings! At least someone remembers. Someone cares.

PRINCE: Would you mind clearing up this mystery? What anniversary are they talking about?

SNOW WHITE: Ours, dear. Only ours.


SNOW WHITE: Our anniversary, my charming prince. We were married three years ago today. Time flies, doesn't it?

PRINCE: What do you think of that? It completely slipped my mind.

SNOW WHITE: Naturally.

PRINCE: Now, wait a minute. If you'd only give me a chance--

SNOW WHITE: I've given you too many chances! Perfectly lovely, isn't it, when my friends have to tell my husband that he's been married for three years?

GRUMPY: You mean he didn't know it?

SNOW WHITE: He didn't even suspect it.

GRUMPY: I always said he wasn't good enough for ya.

PRINCE: Now, you keep out of this, you little wart!

SNOW WHITE: (UPSET) Don't you dare say that to Grumpy!

DOC: Snow White--?

SNOW WHITE: (UPSET, TO PRINCE) Don't you dare!

DOC: Snow White!


DOC: Aren't you and the prince sappy? Er, happy?

SNOW WHITE: (SADLY) I'm afraid not, Doc.

DOC: Oh, this is dreadful. If you're not happy, it spoils my whole speech. And it was the speech of a peach. I mean, a peach of a speech-- You know, it was good.

SNOW WHITE: I know it must have been grand, but it wouldn't suit the occasion. (TO PRINCE, MORE IN SORROW THAN ANGER; GENTLY MELODRAMATIC, NOT OVER-THE-TOP) Prince Charming, this is the end.

PRINCE: The end of what?

SNOW WHITE: Of our life together. From this hour forward, I will never darken your door again.

PRINCE: Dramatic, my dear, but not practical. Now, what would you do? Where would you go?

SNOW WHITE: To the ends of the earth.

PRINCE: Now, let's be sensible. The ends of the earth are a long way off. If we're getting tired or on each other's nerves, why, you can take another room and--

SNOW WHITE: No, my mind is made up. You have broken my spirit like a butterfly upon a wheel. I must leave.

PRINCE: (BUSINESSLIKE) All right, leave. Get out. I'll send a dozen flunkies to help you pack. And turn your crown over to the Royal Treasurer.

SNOW WHITE: (MELODRAMATIC) To think it should come to this. Ah, bitter, bitter, bitter. (WEEPS QUIETLY, CONTINUES IN BG)

DOC: Poor child! Don't feep-- Weep.

PRINCE: (DRY) Don't stop her. She's enjoying herself.

GRUMPY: You can come back and stay with us, Snow White. Kind of crowded, but I guess we can put up with it.

SNOW WHITE: (STOPS WEEPING) Bless you, Grumpy!

GRUMPY: (WITH DISTASTE) Ohhh, don't bless me! I ain't used to it!

SNOW WHITE: I'll come with you now, Grumpy. I'll love to be back in our tiny house. And it will be so much nicer for the baby.

PRINCE: (STUNNED) Nicer for the--? Darling! Did you say -- baby?


PRINCE: You--? You're--? 


PRINCE: And I - I--? (ANNOYED) Well, why doesn't somebody tell me about these things?! ...

SNOW WHITE: Well, I didn't suppose you'd be interested. After all, a baby is just a baby.

PRINCE: But it's mine!

SNOW WHITE: (GENTLY CORRECTS HIM) Ours, dear. You might enjoy it for a few weeks, but then you'd stumble over it on your way to a cornerstone laying and not even know what it was.

PRINCE: Oh, that's where you're wrong. Grumpy? Doc? Have a cigar. (PROUDLY) A baby! My baby.

SNOW WHITE: Ours, dear. 

PRINCE: Oh, yes, ours. Pardon me. ... Darling, I've just had the most splendid idea.

SNOW WHITE: Something to do with the affairs of state?

PRINCE: With us. The house in the woods would be nicer for the baby. Why can't we all go there? You and I and, uh, it.

GRUMPY: Hey! Do you think our house is made of rubber?

DOC: That's right. We'd have to sleep in layers like a rake-- Cake!

SNOW WHITE: Grumpy, you've always done so much for me, but wouldn't you do one more thing?


SNOW WHITE: Wouldn't you let the prince and me live in your house if we let you all come here and live in the palace?

GRUMPY: Well, you're askin' a lot, but-- Well, take it. The roof leaks anyhow.

SNOW WHITE: Bless you, Grumpy!

GRUMPY: Ohhh, don't bless me! I was gettin' darn tired of those woods anyhow.

DOC: When the baby comes, it can have my bed. I've got a mice nattress-- Nice mattress-- It's - it's stuffed.

SNOW WHITE: (TO PRINCE) Oh, darling! There's something we've forgotten. If you go away, who'll take care of the kingdom?

PRINCE: Oh, that's easy. I'll appoint Grumpy and Doc and the rest of the dwarves to act for me. Grumpy can be the Executioner. He'll like that. And Doc can be the Speaker of the House.

SNOW WHITE: That's wonderful. And Sleepy can be the First Lord of the Bedchamber.

PRINCE: And Happy can be the Court Jester.

SNOW WHITE: And Sneezy can be the Court Physician.

PRINCE: And Bashful can wait on the ladies-in-waiting.

SNOW WHITE: (SADLY) But what about Dopey? What can poor Dopey do?

PRINCE: Yes, that is a problem.

SNOW WHITE: I have it! Dopey can make a lot of new laws. He's just the man for it.

PRINCE: Fine. When shall we leave?

SNOW WHITE: Today. At once. 


SNOW WHITE: (CALLS) Page? Take a proclamation and have it read to all the people.

PAGE: Okay, princess!

SNOW WHITE: Be it known that the prince and princess are leaving the palace for a sojourn of indefinite length. Be it known they have decided to live their own lives free of the trouble attendant upon the affairs of state. And be it known they're absolutely determined to live happily ever after!

DOC: Of course you will! No more quarrels, no more bites-- Fights, fights-- This is the biggest pill-- Biggest thrill I've ever had. (CHUCKLES)

PRINCE: (DRY) Confidentially, Doc, I've got my fingers crossed.





HOST: Lest we stand accused of cheap cynicism, permit me add that Snow White and Prince Charming did live happily ever after. And moreover, they had three children, two boys and a girl. The boys later became famous as Richard the Lion-Hearted and Huckleberry Finn. ... And the little girl turned out to be Shirley Temple. ...