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Eddie Runs for President

The Chase and Sanborn Hour

Eddie Runs for President (Excerpts)

circa Dec 1931



CAST:

JIMMY WALLINGTON, announcer

EDDIE CANTOR, singing comedian

CITIZENS, who cheer

LOCAL ANNCR (1 line)

NBC ANNCR (1 line)




JIMMY: This is The Chase and Sanborn Hour -- directed by Rubinoff -- starring Eddie Cantor, America's foremost comedian.


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA FILLS THIRTY SECONDS


JIMMY: Rubinoff and his violin!


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA ACCOMPANIES VIOLINIST FOR ABOUT A MINUTE OR SO


EDDIE: (WITH AN EXAGGERATED RURAL ACCENT) Are ya listenin' in, folks, huh? This is your old pal Eddie Cantor, just a-callin' 'round for a good ol' visit with you all. Draw yourself up an easy chair by the good ol' fireplace, folks, and we'll smoke a herring together.


MUSIC: CHORD ... THEN BEHIND EDDIE--


EDDIE: (SINGS) Carolina Moon keep shi-i-hining, shining on the one--


JIMMY: (INTERRUPTS) Sorry, Eddie. Sorry. Er, you enter just a bit later. Do you mind?


EDDIE: (NORMAL VOICE) Oh, please leave me alone.


MUSIC: CHORD ... THEN BEHIND EDDIE--


EDDIE: (SINGS) Carolina Moon keep shi-i-hining, shining on the one who--


JIMMY: (INTERRUPTS) Just a minute, Eddie! Just a minute! I'm afraid there's something wrong here. You see, we want to lead up to your entrance a bit more gradually. We want to do a little building up for you, you know. Sort of build up a big entrance scene.


EDDIE: Okay. So go on building. Say, in these times I should stop somebody from building, hm!


MUSIC: CHORD ... THEN BEHIND EDDIE UNTIL HE SPEAKS--


EDDIE: (SINGS) Carolina Moon keep shi-i-hining, shining on-- (SPEAKS) Wait a minute! Say-- Oh, for goodness' sakes, I'll get killed. I'm on the wrong program.


JIMMY: Oh, that's all right, Eddie. We all make our little mistakes.


EDDIE: Yeah. That's why we have an election every four years.


JIMMY: Exactly. We'll get along with that construction work now, if you don't mind. Uh, Rubinoff will take care of building up for Cantor with an overture medley of Eddie's songs from "Whoopee," "Kid Boots," and the Follies. He calls the number "Eddie Cantor Memories."


EDDIE: And the things Cantor can remember. Would you be surprised! (RURAL ACCENT) Are ya listenin', folks? Are ya listenin', Mr. Goldwyn, mmmm?


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS MEDLEY OF EDDIE CANTOR SONGS


JIMMY: As you know, ladies and gentlemen, our Mr. Cantor is not only America's first comedian, he is also a literary celebrity and a rising statesman to boot.


EDDIE: A statesman to boot? Mmm, there's an idea!


JIMMY: Yeah, I thought you'd get a "kick" out of that one, Eddie.


EDDIE: Hey, wait a minute -- who's the comedian here?


JIMMY: As I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, our Mr. Cantor is a brilliant statesman as well as a comedian. The Cantor Five-Year Plan for removing the well-known Depression -- as outlined in Eddie's new book "Yoo-Hoo, Prosperity!" -- has been hailed by right-thinking citizens everywhere as pretty darn nifty. Already the word goes 'round: "What about Cantor in Nineteen Thirty-Two?" In fact, ladies and gentlemen, Cantor and prosperity are just around the corner -- only Eddie has arrived first. And so we give you, for president, the honorable Mr. Eddie Cantor.


CITIZENS: (CHEERS AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE)


EDDIE: Ladies and gentlemen, my hat is the ring.


CITIZENS: (CHEERS AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE)


EDDIE: My hat is the ring and my overcoat is in hock.


CITIZENS: (CHEERS AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE)


EDDIE: Thank you, citizens. Thank you. After all, is it so strange that I should be president? Haven't we had funny fellows in office before? Why, we've still got 'em! 


There's only one trouble. Maybe I couldn't be president on account of my connection with Flo Ziegfeld and Sam Goldwyn. You know, Flo and Sam are now right in the middle of a big fight over my services this winter. Ziegfeld wants me to work for Goldwyn and Goldwyn wants me to work for Ziegfeld. Elect Cantor president and they'll both win.


Anyhow, it's time something was done about this here-- Now, this, er-- What is it they call it? Oh, yes. About this Depression. It's terrible, you know. Things are so bad, my friend Groucho Marx tells me, that on the Boston Commons, the pigeons are now feeding the people.


Folks are not spending. Everything is cheap, but nobody is buying. Even those who don't intend to pay aren't buying.


Everybody is saving up for a rainy day. If they only knew it was pouring pitchforks right now!


Still, don't despair. Remember the proverb: "When the wolf is at the door, look for the silver lining." Elect Cantor and the wolf will die laughing. 


In my own case, the Depression brought a strange result. Before the crash, I had a million dollars, a house, three cars, and four daughters. Now all I've got left is five daughters.


Others have cut down on everything. I know families who owned estates and belonged to fashionable golf clubs. Now they live in caves and, to keep up appearances, they play miniature golf with tapioca and toothpicks.


At the summer resorts this year, millions of mosquitos died of hunger. They couldn't find any people worth biting.


And I know some gigolos -- not intimately -- who've been reduced to dancing with each other.


In the spring of Nineteen Twenty-Nine, my broker's wife wanted a talking bird and I sent her a parrot. The crash made her a widow and I went to see her. "How did you like the parrot?" I asked her. "It had a wonderful sense of humor," she said, "But the meat was so tough."


True, the Depression has done some good. It stopped the farmers from crying for relief. They got frightened when they saw how the city folks were relieved.


How things have changed. You know, stock jokes are now taken seriously and put into practice. Armenia has put up an immigration barrier to keep out the [?] Americans. And nowadays we look forward eagerly to Rockefeller's dimes. But he's called back the dimes he gave away last year -- both of them.


We found out what Arthur Brisbane meant when he said, "You can't sell this country short." He meant if you sell it any shorter the Indians will buy it back.


We found out what Mellon meant when he said, "The country is on a solid foundation." It had to be. It hit rock bottom.


So there's only one thing left to do. Elect Cantor. Cantor sings songs. After all, can Hoover or Roosevelt even croon? And, citizens, imagine Coolidge with a megaphone. There, you can see.


For my first song tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to play safe. I'm going to sing "My Baby Just Cares for Me" from "Whoopee." It's all yours.


MUSIC: ACCOMPANIES CANTOR WHO SINGS "MY BABY JUST CARES FOR ME"


EDDIE: (SINGS)

I'm so happy since the day

That I fell in love in a great big way,

And the big surprise is someone loves me, too.

Guess it's hard for you to see

Just what anyone could see in me,

But it only goes to prove what love can do.


1

My baby don't care for shows,

My baby don't care for clothes,

My baby just cares for me.


My baby don't care for furs and laces,

My baby don't care for high-toned places.


My baby don't care for rings

Or other expensive things,

She's sensible as can be.


My baby don't care who knows it,

My baby just cares for me.


2

My baby's no Colman fan,

Clark Gable is not her man,

My baby just cares for me.


My baby don't care for Lawrence Tibbett,

She'd rather have me around to kibitz.


Bud Rogers is not her style,

And even Chevalier's smile

Is something that she can't see.


I wonder what's wrong with baby,

My baby cares for me.


MUSIC: SONG ENDS


LOCAL ANNCR: WEAF, New York.


EDDIE: This is The Chase and Sanborn Hour, ladies and gentlemen, with Rubinoff, Rubinoff's violin, ten other fiddles, three saxophones, one French horn, two trombones, one bass tuba, two pianos, two of the cutest tympani, and Eddie Cantor, in the order named. Cantor is speaking. These are Cantor's teeth you hear chattering. 


[...]


EDDIE: Another thing, ladies and gentlemen, another thing. Elect Cantor president and I will get a law passed making it a special offense to wrap lump sugar in tight paper jackets.


CITIZENS: (CHEERS AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE)


EDDIE: I thank you. And speaking of sugar, what this country needs is more dunking of donuts in coffee. The science of dunking should be taught in our public schools. Free dunking clinics should be established in all large cities. Prizes should be awarded annually to the best dunkers. Why dunking? Look. Did you ever see a fellow dunking a donut in coffee that he didn't look happy? Of course not. Your dunker is a happy man. He is happy because he dunks, and he dunks because he is happy. When we see a nation of dunkers, the Depression will be over. And look at all the coffee that will be sold. Are ya listenin', Mr. Sanborn? Positively, Mr. Chase.


As I was saying, dunking is an old custom. The first dunker was Pharaoh's daughter. She dunked Moses twice in the River Nile. Of course, we have had other important dunkers since then. Take Captain Kidd, for instance. When he dunked a man, that man stayed dunked. Today it's different. The rules of dunking are laid down in every book of etiquette. Emily Post says you must never dunk above the knuckle. Some people, in reaching for olives in a jar, dunk up to the elbow. That's not dunking, that's bathing. And the best dunkers never bathe. Believe me, I know. Some of my best friends are dunkers. Why, dunking is such a great art-- Why, it's-- People have named their children after it.


JIMMY: What, Eddie? Named their children after it?


EDDIE: Sure. Didn't you ever hear of the Duncan Sisters? And Dunk Quixote? Oh, well. After all, let it go. You've heard the Dunking Song from "The Student Prince"? Well, listen to this. It's all yours.


MUSIC: ACCOMPANIES CANTOR WHO SINGS "I LOVE POTATO PANCAKES"


EDDIE: (SINGS)

Everybody has a complex for a certain thing.

Some like bees, some like trees, some like birds that sing.

I've a complex all my own that no one's had before.

There is just one thing on earth that I keep crying for.


1

Oh,

I don't care for golf or tennis,

Don't like Paris, don't like Venice.

I love potato pancakes!


You can have those red hot mamas

With or without big pajamas.

I'll take potato pancakes!


I was pinched for speeding in my brand new Rolls-Royce.

The judge was very nice to me, he gave me my choice.


He ups at me and loudly hollers,

"Twenty days or twenty dollars!"

I took potato pancakes!


2

While the light burns in the steeple

Paul Revere cries, "Wake, ye people!

I've got potato pancakes!"


You know that 

Patrick Henry said "I've reckoned

Liberty or Death comes second!

Give me potato pancakes!"


And another thing:

Old Abe Lincoln straightened out a terrible mess

When at Gettysburg he made that famous address.


He said:

By the people, for the people, 

Of the people -- Who wants people?

I want potato pancakes!"


3

Hollywood means nothing to me

If I'm wrong, go on and sue me.

I love potato pancakes!


Movie queens have tried to court me,

Even offered to support me.

But I want potato pancakes!


One day Marlene Dietrich called me up on the phone.

I went to her house and she was there all alone.


She said:

"Sweetheart, I'll never leave you!

Anything you want, I geeve you!"

So I took potato pancakes!


MUSIC: SONG ENDS


EDDIE: The Chase and Sanborn Hour, ladies and gentlemen, with Rubinoff handicapped by Cantor. I hope you're enjoying it. (BEAT) Did I hear a gentleman in Columbus, Ohio say "Phooey"? Come, come, now. Let's have cooperation here. Let's give Cantor a chance. After all, if Mr. Sanborn is satisfied, should you complain?


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS "SWEET AND LOVELY"


JIMMY: Eddie, you're in a position to help this country out of its difficulty. Won't you tell us something of your plans?


EDDIE: Jimmy, I've worked out a plan to yank prosperity around that corner. I have a Five-Year Plan with Russian dressing, a Ten-Year Endowment Plan, and a hundred-payment wife. Now, of course, I could say to you, "If you want to know about Cantor's plans, go buy Cantor's book." But I wouldn't do that. After all, what would Chase and Sanborn think? We are selling coffee tonight, not books. So I wouldn't say to you that you can get Cantor's book for a dollar. Anyhow, who's got a dollar? No, I wouldn't say things like that. I'm too big-hearted. I'll tell you about my plans free.


I have lots of plans, but the first one I will try if elected is my great Doubling System. I'm surprised nobody has thought of it before. How can we put more people to work right away? Here is the answer: Why should there be only nine men on a baseball team? Put eighteen on each side and you double employment. 


And why only a football eleven? We could have sixty men on a team and a hundred and twenty piled on one another in the scrimmages. It would add to the [confusion?]. 


Above all, what is more wasteful than to have one jockey on a horse? The smallest horse can carry two jockeys -- and some horses leap so far back, they can hold four.


Look how things would improve at once if judges went in pairs and watched each other. The entire Depression could be cured overnight. All you need to do is to double up. You can't go wrong on this Cantor program: two chauffeurs in each car, two plumbers for each leak, two captains on each ship, and two presidents for each term.


And now Cantor sings again. Who's going to prevent him?


MUSIC: ACCOMPANIES CANTOR WHO SINGS "IT'S THE GIRL"


EDDIE: (SINGS)

Some folks need atmosphere when they're making love.

They say old Mother Nature makes love grand.

I've got my own idea pertaining to love.

If you're a Romeo, you'll understand.


1

It isn't the paddle, it's not the canoe.

It isn't the river or skies that are blue.

It isn't the love dreams that bring joy to you.

It's the girl! It's the girl!


It isn't the brooklet that you wander to.

It isn't the mountain, the flowers or dew.

It isn't the love nest that brings love to you.

It's the girl! It's the girl!


Even though at times you often doubt them,

What a lonely world 'twould be without them!


It isn't the songbirds, the songs that they sing.

It isn't the sunshine that makes you like spring.

Oh, what is this magic that makes love the thing?

It's the girl! It's the girl!


2

It isn't the moonbeams of heavenly blue.

It isn't the fall light makes you bill and coo.

It isn't the shadows encouraging you.

It's the girl! Oh, that girl!


It isn't the wildwood that makes a chap rave

It isn't the darkness that makes you so brave.

And it's not your conscience that makes you behave. 

It's the goy-ul! It's the goy-ul!


On the way home for some lunch you take her.

To a little bite you'd gladly stake her.


You think it will cost you six bits at the most.

'Course, she says, "Now, honey, I'll order just some peas and some toast."

Who starts with fruit salad and ends up with roast?

It's the girl! God love her, it's the girl! 


MUSIC: SONG ENDS


EDDIE: And there you are, girls. So much for the woman's vote. 


[...]


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS


EDDIE: Oh, Ruby, that was swell. Next week, ladies and gentlemen, let's all get together for another swell Rubinoff program interrupted constantly by Cantor, who will be wrapped in cellophane to retain his freshness.


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS DREAMILY ... THEN IN BG 


JIMMY: Next week, Eddie Cantor will offer another plank in his Prosperity Platform: the famous Banana Plan. Vote for Cantor and a full dinner pail, full of potato pancakes. Your announcer, James Wallington.


MUSIC: UP TO FILL FIFTY SECONDS ... THEN OUT FOR--


NBC ANNCR: The Chase and Sanborn Hour has come to you from the NBC studios in New York.

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