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Easter Suit

Baby Snooks and Daddy

Easter Suit

Apr 02 1942



CAST:

BABY SNOOKS

DADDY

JOHN


NOTE: Transcript of sketch excerpted from "Maxwell House Coffee Time."




SOUND: SNOOKS' AND DADDY'S VOICES ON FILTER


SNOOKS: Hello?


JOHN: Hello. Is that you, Snooks? 


SNOOKS: Hellooo? 


JOHN: Hello. Where's your daddy? 


SNOOKS: Hellooo?! ...


JOHN: Hello. Who is this? 


SNOOKS: This is the operator. Five cents, please! 


JOHN: Snooks -- it is you, isn't it? 


SNOOKS: No, this is my father. (SLY, DEEP VOICE) Wanna play poker? ...


JOHN: Snooks, where's your daddy? 


SNOOKS: He jumped out of the window and a big eagle grabbed him and--


DADDY: (INTERRUPTS, ANNOYED) Give me that phone! (GLUM) Hello, John. 


JOHN: (SYMPATHETIC) Hello, Daddy. 


DADDY: I'll see you soon. I have to rush out and buy a suit as soon as I put Snooks to bed. Goodbye. 


JOHN: Goodbye, Daddy. 


SOUND: PHONE DISCONNECTS (CALLER'S PERSPECTIVE)


JOHN: (TO HIMSELF) Well, I'll lay nine to five he never gets out. 


MUSIC: INTRODUCTION ... A BRISK "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"


DADDY: Snooks, I don't want you to answer the phone any more. 


SNOOKS: Why? 


DADDY: Because you say a lot of crazy things and confuse people. Why did you tell John I jumped out of the window? 


SNOOKS: I always tell him that. ...


DADDY: You always tell him I jump out the window?


SNOOKS: (YES) Uh-huh. 


DADDY: Well, what for?


SNOOKS: (OVERLY COY) I don't know. ...


DADDY: Suppose I do jump out of a window one day and you tell him that. He won't believe you, will he? 


SNOOKS: No.


DADDY: Snooks, have you ever heard the story of the little boy who cried wolf?


SNOOKS: (EAGER, EXCITED) No! Tell it to me! 


DADDY: (DISMAYED) Oh. Well, I stuck out my neck that time. ... Look, I'll tell it to you tomorrow; I'm in a hurry to get to the clothing store. 


SNOOKS: Whyyy? 


DADDY: I'm going to be fitted for an Easter suit.


SNOOKS: When is Easter, Daddy? 


DADDY: It falls on the fifth this year. You see, Easter Sunday is governed by the date of the paschal full moon. If the paschal full moon falls on a Sunday, then the following Sunday is Easter.


SNOOKS: Is the moon gonna fall? 


DADDY: The moon is not going to fall. According to the scientists, there's no danger of the moon falling for the next seventy million years. 


SNOOKS: (WORRIED) Will it fall on the people?! 


DADDY: I suppose so. 


SNOOKS: (EXTRAVAGANT CRYING) ...


DADDY: What are you crying about? It won't happen for at least seventy million years.


SNOOKS: (SOBERLY) Oh. I thought you said seven million. ...


DADDY: Well, now you don't have to worry any more. 


SNOOKS: (THOUGHTFUL) Hmmm.


DADDY: Goodnight. 


SNOOKS: Goodnight, Daddy. (INSTANTLY CALLS) Daddy?! 


DADDY: Yes? 


SNOOKS: Why does the moon make it Easter? 


DADDY: Well, the paschal full moon is the fourteenth day of the lunar month, reckoned according to an old ecclesiastical computation and not the real or astronomical full moon.


SNOOKS: You know everything, don't you, Daddy? 


DADDY: Just about. Any more questions? 


SNOOKS: Yeah. Who tells the bunnies when it's Easter? ... 


DADDY: They don't have to be told.


SNOOKS: Then how do they know when to lay the eggs?


DADDY: Bunnies don't lay eggs.


SNOOKS: Whyyy?


DADDY: (INCREASINGLY FRUSTRATED) Now, how do I know?! ...


SNOOKS: Chickens lay eggs.


DADDY: I can't help it. 


SNOOKS: Whyyy? ...


DADDY: (IMPATIENT) Snooks, I'll explain it to you in the morning. The tailor's waiting to measure me for my suit. 


SNOOKS: I wanna go with ya!


DADDY: (A FIRM "NO") Snooks!


SNOOKS: (LAUGHS WILDLY) I wanna go with ya! ...


DADDY: You can't go with me! Can't I buy a suit of clothes without having you tag along? 


SNOOKS: Mommy's goin', ain't she? 


DADDY: Not this time she isn't. 


SNOOKS: No?


DADDY: I'm going to wear what I like for once in my life. I'm sick of these bell-bottom pants. ...


SNOOKS: Your coat's nice, Daddy.


DADDY: Nice?


SNOOKS: Yeah. I like the way it zips up the back. ... It's a zoot suit with a reet pleat. ... (LAUGHS HAPPILY)


DADDY: You and your Mummy. I'll show you style. Wait'll I come home with my new suit. I'm getting a spring coat, too. 


SNOOKS: With springs in it?


DADDY: No, not with springs in it. 


SNOOKS: No? 


DADDY: A nice conservative model -- with padded shoulders and a flared waistline; just a few pleats on the hem. 


SNOOKS: Are you gonna get a feather in your hat again?


DADDY: Oh, don't be sarcastic. 


SNOOKS: I'm not being sarcastic.


DADDY: I'm buying this coat at Squire's because they have a bargain sale: a thirty-five-dollar coat marked down to nine seventy-five. ...


SNOOKS: How do you know, Daddy?


DADDY: Because he advertises that way. All his coats are down.


SNOOKS: Are his pants down, too? ...


DADDY: What's the matter with you?


SNOOKS: I wanna go with ya! 


DADDY: Now, Snooks, why should you want to go to the tailor's with me? 


SNOOKS: I want to get an Easter suit.


DADDY: You'll have a new dress, I promise you. Goodnight. 


SNOOKS: Goodnight, Daddy. (INSTANTLY CALLS) Daddy?! 


DADDY: (ANNOYED) Oh, what do you want?! 


SNOOKS: Who lays the Easter eggs?


DADDY: If I tell you, will you let me go?


SNOOKS: (COY) Maybe. ... 


DADDY: All right. (A GENTLE NEGOTIATION) Do you want the rabbit to lay the Easter eggs? 


SNOOKS: (QUIETLY) No. 


DADDY: Do you want the chicken to lay them?


SNOOKS: Nooo.


DADDY: Well, who do you want to lay the eggs? 


SNOOKS: You. ...


DADDY: Okay, I'll lay the Easter eggs. Satisfied? 


SNOOKS: No! Lay one now! ...


DADDY: I will not! Oh, Snooks, please let me get out of this house! You want me to look nice, don't you? 


SNOOKS: Yes, Daddy.


DADDY: Fine. And I'll buy you a new dress. And when I put on my new suit and coat, we'll be the hit of Easter parade.


SNOOKS: Will you buy me a rabbit, too, Daddy? 


DADDY: (EXHALES) All right, I'll buy you a rabbit.


SNOOKS: A white rabbit? 


DADDY: Yes, a white rabbit. 


SNOOKS: (LOW) I don't like a white rabbit. ... 


DADDY: What kind do you want? 


SNOOKS: (WILDLY) I want a blue rabbit with a purple head and a green tail! (LAUGHS) ...


DADDY: You're insane.


SNOOKS: Yeah.


DADDY: Either you take a white rabbit or you get nothing. 


SNOOKS: (SOBERLY) I'll take it, Daddy. 


DADDY: And remember: you'll have to care for it yourself. No rough handling. You'll treat it just like a baby. 


SNOOKS: Like a baby? 


DADDY: Yes. You'll handle the rabbit exactly the way Mother handles Robespierre. 


SNOOKS: Will I have to change--?


DADDY: (INTERRUPTS QUICKLY) Yes! ... You'll have to change his water every day.


SNOOKS: I wasn't going to say--!


DADDY: (INTERRUPTS QUICKLY, UPSET) I don't care what you were going to say! ... I'm not gonna waste another second here! Goodnight!


SNOOKS: (QUIETLY) Goodnight, Daddy. (BEAT, CALLS) Daddy?!


DADDY: (EXPLODES HYSTERICALLY) Oh, what is it now?! ...


SNOOKS: (QUIETLY) Ehhhhh, you ain't really gonna buy me a rabbit, are ya? 


DADDY: (CALMLY) Well, I'll think about it.


SNOOKS: When? 


DADDY: Tonight -- if you get right into bed, turn out the lights, say your prayers, and ask the angels to make you a good girl, maybe I'll bring a rabbit home with me.


SNOOKS: All right, Daddy.


DADDY: Good. Hurry now. 


SNOOKS: (CHUCKLES AS SHE CLIMBS INTO BED)


DADDY: Under the covers. 


SNOOKS: Yeah.


DADDY: There. 


SNOOKS: (CHUCKLES)


DADDY: Out with the light. Now say your prayers.


SNOOKS: (LOW, RAPID, INDECIPHERABLE MUMBLING)


DADDY: What are you mumbling? 


SNOOKS: That's my prayer. 


DADDY: I can't understand a word you're saying.


SNOOKS: I ain't talkin' to you, Daddy. ... I'm talkin' to the angels.


DADDY: Well, they can't understand you either. Speak up.


SNOOKS: All right. (PRAYS) Dear angels, please make my daddy a good boy, so he'll bring me home a rabbit tonight. Signing off. ...


DADDY: Snooks, that's no way to talk to the angels. 


SNOOKS: They like it, Daddy. 


DADDY: How do you know? 


SNOOKS: I'll show you. (CALLS) You like it, don't you, angels?! (LOW AND DIRTY) That's okay with us, Snooks; you'll get your rabbit. ...


DADDY: (GIVES UP) Ohhhh, good night.


SNOOKS: (LAUGHS) Goodnight, Daddy.


MUSIC: CURTAIN ... "ROCK-A-BYE BABY"


SOUND: APPLAUSE 

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