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Easter Suit

Baby Snooks and Daddy

Easter Suit

Apr 02 1942





NOTE: Transcript of sketch excerpted from "Maxwell House Coffee Time."


SNOOKS: Hello?

JOHN: Hello. Is that you, Snooks? 

SNOOKS: Hellooo? 

JOHN: Hello. Where's your daddy? 

SNOOKS: Hellooo?! ...

JOHN: Hello. Who is this? 

SNOOKS: This is the operator. Five cents, please! 

JOHN: Snooks -- it is you, isn't it? 

SNOOKS: No, this is my father. (SLY, DEEP VOICE) Wanna play poker? ...

JOHN: Snooks, where's your daddy? 

SNOOKS: He jumped out of the window and a big eagle grabbed him and--

DADDY: (INTERRUPTS, ANNOYED) Give me that phone! (GLUM) Hello, John. 

JOHN: (SYMPATHETIC) Hello, Daddy. 

DADDY: I'll see you soon. I have to rush out and buy a suit as soon as I put Snooks to bed. Goodbye. 

JOHN: Goodbye, Daddy. 


JOHN: (TO HIMSELF) Well, I'll lay nine to five he never gets out. 


DADDY: Snooks, I don't want you to answer the phone any more. 


DADDY: Because you say a lot of crazy things and confuse people. Why did you tell John I jumped out of the window? 

SNOOKS: I always tell him that. ...

DADDY: You always tell him I jump out the window?

SNOOKS: (YES) Uh-huh. 

DADDY: Well, what for?

SNOOKS: (OVERLY COY) I don't know. ...

DADDY: Suppose I do jump out of a window one day and you tell him that. He won't believe you, will he? 


DADDY: Snooks, have you ever heard the story of the little boy who cried wolf?

SNOOKS: (EAGER, EXCITED) No! Tell it to me! 

DADDY: (DISMAYED) Oh. Well, I stuck out my neck that time. ... Look, I'll tell it to you tomorrow; I'm in a hurry to get to the clothing store. 

SNOOKS: Whyyy? 

DADDY: I'm going to be fitted for an Easter suit.

SNOOKS: When is Easter, Daddy? 

DADDY: It falls on the fifth this year. You see, Easter Sunday is governed by the date of the paschal full moon. If the paschal full moon falls on a Sunday, then the following Sunday is Easter.

SNOOKS: Is the moon gonna fall? 

DADDY: The moon is not going to fall. According to the scientists, there's no danger of the moon falling for the next seventy million years. 

SNOOKS: (WORRIED) Will it fall on the people?! 

DADDY: I suppose so. 


DADDY: What are you crying about? It won't happen for at least seventy million years.

SNOOKS: (SOBERLY) Oh. I thought you said seven million. ...

DADDY: Well, now you don't have to worry any more. 


DADDY: Goodnight. 

SNOOKS: Goodnight, Daddy. (INSTANTLY CALLS) Daddy?! 

DADDY: Yes? 

SNOOKS: Why does the moon make it Easter? 

DADDY: Well, the paschal full moon is the fourteenth day of the lunar month, reckoned according to an old ecclesiastical computation and not the real or astronomical full moon.

SNOOKS: You know everything, don't you, Daddy? 

DADDY: Just about. Any more questions? 

SNOOKS: Yeah. Who tells the bunnies when it's Easter? ... 

DADDY: They don't have to be told.

SNOOKS: Then how do they know when to lay the eggs?

DADDY: Bunnies don't lay eggs.

SNOOKS: Whyyy?


SNOOKS: Chickens lay eggs.

DADDY: I can't help it. 

SNOOKS: Whyyy? ...

DADDY: (IMPATIENT) Snooks, I'll explain it to you in the morning. The tailor's waiting to measure me for my suit. 

SNOOKS: I wanna go with ya!

DADDY: (A FIRM "NO") Snooks!

SNOOKS: (LAUGHS WILDLY) I wanna go with ya! ...

DADDY: You can't go with me! Can't I buy a suit of clothes without having you tag along? 

SNOOKS: Mommy's goin', ain't she? 

DADDY: Not this time she isn't. 


DADDY: I'm going to wear what I like for once in my life. I'm sick of these bell-bottom pants. ...

SNOOKS: Your coat's nice, Daddy.

DADDY: Nice?

SNOOKS: Yeah. I like the way it zips up the back. ... It's a zoot suit with a reet pleat. ... (LAUGHS HAPPILY)

DADDY: You and your Mummy. I'll show you style. Wait'll I come home with my new suit. I'm getting a spring coat, too. 

SNOOKS: With springs in it?

DADDY: No, not with springs in it. 


DADDY: A nice conservative model -- with padded shoulders and a flared waistline; just a few pleats on the hem. 

SNOOKS: Are you gonna get a feather in your hat again?

DADDY: Oh, don't be sarcastic. 

SNOOKS: I'm not being sarcastic.

DADDY: I'm buying this coat at Squire's because they have a bargain sale: a thirty-five-dollar coat marked down to nine seventy-five. ...

SNOOKS: How do you know, Daddy?

DADDY: Because he advertises that way. All his coats are down.

SNOOKS: Are his pants down, too? ...

DADDY: What's the matter with you?

SNOOKS: I wanna go with ya! 

DADDY: Now, Snooks, why should you want to go to the tailor's with me? 

SNOOKS: I want to get an Easter suit.

DADDY: You'll have a new dress, I promise you. Goodnight. 

SNOOKS: Goodnight, Daddy. (INSTANTLY CALLS) Daddy?! 

DADDY: (ANNOYED) Oh, what do you want?! 

SNOOKS: Who lays the Easter eggs?

DADDY: If I tell you, will you let me go?

SNOOKS: (COY) Maybe. ... 

DADDY: All right. (A GENTLE NEGOTIATION) Do you want the rabbit to lay the Easter eggs? 


DADDY: Do you want the chicken to lay them?


DADDY: Well, who do you want to lay the eggs? 

SNOOKS: You. ...

DADDY: Okay, I'll lay the Easter eggs. Satisfied? 

SNOOKS: No! Lay one now! ...

DADDY: I will not! Oh, Snooks, please let me get out of this house! You want me to look nice, don't you? 

SNOOKS: Yes, Daddy.

DADDY: Fine. And I'll buy you a new dress. And when I put on my new suit and coat, we'll be the hit of Easter parade.

SNOOKS: Will you buy me a rabbit, too, Daddy? 

DADDY: (EXHALES) All right, I'll buy you a rabbit.

SNOOKS: A white rabbit? 

DADDY: Yes, a white rabbit. 

SNOOKS: (LOW) I don't like a white rabbit. ... 

DADDY: What kind do you want? 

SNOOKS: (WILDLY) I want a blue rabbit with a purple head and a green tail! (LAUGHS) ...

DADDY: You're insane.


DADDY: Either you take a white rabbit or you get nothing. 

SNOOKS: (SOBERLY) I'll take it, Daddy. 

DADDY: And remember: you'll have to care for it yourself. No rough handling. You'll treat it just like a baby. 

SNOOKS: Like a baby? 

DADDY: Yes. You'll handle the rabbit exactly the way Mother handles Robespierre. 

SNOOKS: Will I have to change--?

DADDY: (INTERRUPTS QUICKLY) Yes! ... You'll have to change his water every day.

SNOOKS: I wasn't going to say--!

DADDY: (INTERRUPTS QUICKLY, UPSET) I don't care what you were going to say! ... I'm not gonna waste another second here! Goodnight!

SNOOKS: (QUIETLY) Goodnight, Daddy. (BEAT, CALLS) Daddy?!

DADDY: (EXPLODES HYSTERICALLY) Oh, what is it now?! ...

SNOOKS: (QUIETLY) Ehhhhh, you ain't really gonna buy me a rabbit, are ya? 

DADDY: (CALMLY) Well, I'll think about it.

SNOOKS: When? 

DADDY: Tonight -- if you get right into bed, turn out the lights, say your prayers, and ask the angels to make you a good girl, maybe I'll bring a rabbit home with me.

SNOOKS: All right, Daddy.

DADDY: Good. Hurry now. 


DADDY: Under the covers. 


DADDY: There. 


DADDY: Out with the light. Now say your prayers.


DADDY: What are you mumbling? 

SNOOKS: That's my prayer. 

DADDY: I can't understand a word you're saying.

SNOOKS: I ain't talkin' to you, Daddy. ... I'm talkin' to the angels.

DADDY: Well, they can't understand you either. Speak up.

SNOOKS: All right. (PRAYS) Dear angels, please make my daddy a good boy, so he'll bring me home a rabbit tonight. Signing off. ...

DADDY: Snooks, that's no way to talk to the angels. 

SNOOKS: They like it, Daddy. 

DADDY: How do you know? 

SNOOKS: I'll show you. (CALLS) You like it, don't you, angels?! (LOW AND DIRTY) That's okay with us, Snooks; you'll get your rabbit. ...

DADDY: (GIVES UP) Ohhhh, good night.

SNOOKS: (LAUGHS) Goodnight, Daddy.