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Do married men live longer than single men?

It Pays To Be Ignorant

Do married men live longer than single men?

Oct 13 1944



CAST:

ANNOUNCER, Ken Roberts

TOM HOWARD, host

GEORGE SHELTON, not too bright

HARRY McNAUGHTON, silly Englishman

LULU McCONNELL

ROLAND YOUNG, guest; reserved Englishman

BRUCE, contestant

DOROTHY, contestant

SINGER (1 line)

AFRS ANNCR (1 line)


NOTE: This is an attempted transcript of an Armed Forces Radio Service recording that seems to have been stitched together from more than one episode. Obvious edits are indicated by a bracketed ellipsis. [...]




MUSIC: FANFARE


TOM: Do married men live longer than single men?


GEORGE: No, it only seems longer.


TOM: Correct! Pay that man eight dollars! 


MUSIC: FANFARE


TOM: On which side do you milk a cow? 


GEORGE: On the outside.


TOM: Correct! Pay that man nine dollars because-- [...]


ANNOUNCER: IT PAYS TO BE IGNORANT -- another half hour in radio's biggest hatch of boobies -- with Lulu McConnell, George Shelton, Harry McNaughton, Don Novick's Rhythm Butchers, and the zaniest of the zanies, Tom Howard. [...]


MUSIC: THEME


SOUND: APPLAUSE


TOM: Thank you, Johnny. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Well, here we are again with that quiz program that, as an educational feature, should be in the hall of fame - because it's a bust. We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think a bridle path is for married couples only. First we have the celebrated author, Mr. Harry McNaughton, who has just written a book entitled "Five Easy Ways to Take Names Out of Hotel Towels, or You Can't Take It with You." ... Here he is, Mr. Harry McNaughton!


HARRY: I - I have a poem, Mr. Howard.


TOM: You never fail.


HARRY: (RECITES)

Men think they are smart, very clever, and bland 

When really they're terribly dumb. 

They fall for a girl and ask for her hand.

Heh heh!

Then they find themselves under her thumb. (CHUCKLES)


TOM: That's very cute. Fine.


HARRY: Yes. Do you like that? 


TOM: Ye-- No!


HARRY: I knew you would.


TOM: All right--


HARRY: I dashed it off.


TOM: Oh, please, Mr. McNaughton. Next we have a woman who is so refined she eats her chewin' gum with a knife and fork. A woman so big she was lying on the beach last summer and four explorers rushed up and claimed her for England! ... Here she is-- Here she is, the bloomer girl of Hell's Kitchen, Miss Lulu McConnell.


LULU: Mr. Howard! You didn't tell me how you liked my new dress!


TOM: No, I-- Tell you the truth, Miss McConnell, I hadn't noticed your new dress.


LULU: Well, I think it's just grand. 


TOM: Thanks. 


LULU: And I made it myself. 


TOM: Okay.


LULU: And it only cost me two dollars eighty-nine and a half cents.


TOM: All right-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Two dollars eighty-nine and a half


LULU: Yep!


TOM: Where did you get such an odd figure?


LULU: I eat too much!


TOM: You eat too much. ... Serves me right. Next we have a man whose parents were reading the racing form before he was born -- so they got a little dope. ... A man who was a bottle baby up till the age of nine, then they broke the bottle and let him out. ... Here he is, the handsomest man in America without a face, Mr. George Shelton.


GEORGE: Say, Mr. Howard, will you mail a letter for me after the program tonight? 


TOM: Now, wait a minute--


GEORGE: It's for a friend of mine over on T'ird Avenue.


TOM: Look, I have no time. Mail your own letter.


GEORGE: Oh, it's all right, I got a two-cent stamp on it already.


TOM: Well, mail your own-- A two-cent stamp?


GEORGE: Yeah.


TOM: Wait a minute, don't you know it takes a three-cent stamp to mail a letter, even in the city? The rates have gone up.


GEORGE: Oh, but I fooled 'em.


TOM: Oh, you fooled them? I'm a sucker, but how did you fool them?


GEORGE: Well, I bought a thousand stamps while they were only still two cents a piece.


TOM: Ohhhhh. ... Very clever. 


GEORGE: Oh, it don't take me long to catch on.


TOM: No, very thoughtful. Let's get on here, please.


LULU: Oh, Mr. Howard, you told us Roland Young was gonna be here.


TOM: I told you--?


LULU: Where is he? 


TOM: I told you Roland--? 


LULU: Yeah! And I'm all a-flutter!


TOM: Thank you. You are all of that, yes! ... Thank you for remembering; I did say Roland Young and I believe he is here. Mr. Roberts, will you introduce Mr. Young?


ANNOUNCER: Well, it's a plow-- pleasure, Mr. Howard. 


TOM: Plowsure?


ANNOUNCER: (CHUCKLES) Here he is -- that distinguished star of radio, stage and screen -- Mr. Roland Young.


SOUND: APPLAUSE


TOM: Why, that's swell. That's real nice. Sinatra couldn't have got a better reception. ... Good evening, Mr. Young! Good evening, Mr. Young! This is a pleasure. It was sweet of you to come.


ROLAND: It was gallant of you to ask me.


TOM: I've always admired you, Mr. Young.


ROLAND: I've always admired you, Mr. Howard.


TOM: I think you're a great artist, Mr. Young.


ROLAND: I think you're a great artist, Mr. Howard.


GEORGE: Say, you know, if we had music, you two could dance! ...


LULU: I'm Miss McConnell, Mr. Young! 


TOM: Nobody cares. 


LULU: But you can just call me Lulu. 


TOM: Yes.


LULU: I could hardly wait till you got here! I'm saving myself all for you!


ROLAND: Thank you for saving so much. ...


TOM: I see what you mean, Mr. Young. Uh, this is Mr. Shelton, Mr. Young.


ROLAND: Oh, yes, how do you do, Mr. Shelton? 


GEORGE: How do you do?


ROLAND: I've heard a lot about you. In fact, I've heard a great deal about you.


GEORGE: Yeah? Well, you can't prove a thing! ...


TOM: Now, wait a minute. He's just got a good lawyer, that's all. All right, Mr. Young, this is Mr. Harry McNaughton.


HARRY: Oh, yes, how do you do?


ROLAND: Pleasure. 


HARRY: Eton?


ROLAND: Harrow. 


HARRY: Oxford?


ROLAND: Cambridge.


HARRY: Quite. Weekends at Burton-on-Trent?


ROLAND: Quite. Mondays, Ulcers-on-Stomach. ...


HARRY: Oh, quite!


TOM: Look, will you two guys do me a favor and keep "quite"? Will you, please? Let's get on here.


ROLAND & HARRY: Quite!


TOM: Quite, all right. Boy! You-- Great teamwork there. Mr. Young, this is a quiz program just like "Information Please" -- only we're serious. ... We have questions that we throw at the experts.


ROLAND: Do you really have to throw things?


TOM: Well, you see our experts are pretty dumb. So I ask the experts a question; they try to answer them. Now, as our guest, Mr. Young, I want you to feel that you are one of us.


ROLAND: That's too bad. ... Which one? ...


TOM: Well, you can take your pick there. If you can answer any of the questions, speak right up. Is that clear, Mr. Young?


ROLAND: Quite. 


TOM: Quite. Yes, quite.


LULU: Tell me, Mr. Young. How are things in Hollywood? You know, I was out there. I worked in shorts.


ROLAND: I bet you looked cute.


TOM: I bet she did, yes. ...


LULU: Well, of course, that was before the, uh, sweater girl days.


TOM: Oh, yes.


HARRY: I say, you know-- Speaking of sweater girls, I was out with a sweater girl last night.


ROLAND: Oh, were you?


HARRY: Oh, ra-ther, yes. But I always get the kind who knit them, never the kind who wear 'em. ...


TOM: Yes.


HARRY: Hard luck, you know.


TOM: Yeah, Mr. McNaughton, why don't you wear your tie at half-mast? Your brain is dead, if you know what I mean. Now, look! We have a question here. Now, let's try and answer it. Now, pay attention. Here is the question: For what famous theatrical producer was the Ziegfeld Theatre named? (BEAT) Did you hear the question, Mr. Shelton?


GEORGE: Yes, I did. 


TOM: Well, what do you think of it? 


GEORGE: Well, as questions go, I think quite a lot of it.


TOM: Thank you. Thank you. You wouldn't care to answer it?


GEORGE: Oh, no. I didn't think that much of it. ...


TOM: No, didn't think that much of it.


HARRY: By the way, Roland Young, you must know the Earl of Nottingham? Remember? The son of the brigadier? Lived at Oyster-on-the-Half-Shell?


ROLAND: School chum of mine.


HARRY: Oh, really? Then you must know his daughter Lady Watson.


ROLAND: Oh, yes.


HARRY: Yes, she just married young, uh, What's-his-name.


ROLAND: I know, yes.


HARRY: Yes, from What-cha-ma-call-it.


ROLAND: Yes, I heard.


HARRY: He worked for that, er, "Doo-Dad" concern.


ROLAND: He did, yes. 


HARRY: Over at "Thing-a-ma-jigs."


ROLAND: Yeah. 


HARRY: Did you hear about it?


ROLAND: Well, I knew she got married, but this is the first time I've heard all the details. ...


TOM: That's marvelous! Please, gentleman, can we answer the question?! For what famous producer was the Ziegfeld Theatre named?


GEORGE: I like the movies best.


TOM: Who cares?!


LULU: So do I. I went to the movies last night with my old man.


TOM: All right.


LULU: What a picture! 


TOM: Yes.


LULU: Charles Boyer was in it. And the way he kissed the leading lady!


GEORGE: Yeah? What way did he kiss her?


LULU: Well, I said to my old man, why don't you kiss me like that?


GEORGE: Yeah? And what'd your old man say? 


LULU: He said he would if they'd pay him as much as they pay Boyer! ...


TOM: I see. And he wouldn't be overpaid one cent! Mr. Young, can you tell me the name of the producer after which the Ziegfeld Theatre was named?


ROLAND: By the way, McNaughton, you must have known Colonel Fiddleslee.


TOM: They ignore me.


HARRY: Oh, rather! Colonel Fiddleslee, yes indeed! Splendid chap. Great golfer.


ROLAND: Yes, he died on the golf course last week. Terrible thing.


HARRY: No?


ROLAND: Mmm. Just addressing the ball for his drive when he dropped dead.


HARRY: Oh, shocking. That's awful.


ROLAND: Dreadful. Ruined his shot.


TOM: Ruined his shot? ... Aw, cut it out! Ruined his shot! 


GEORGE: He must have had a stroke. ...


TOM: Look, let's get on here. Will you please pay some attention to what's going on here?!


ROLAND: I say, McNaughton, who is this chap always butting into our conversation? Quite rude.


HARRY: Oh, pay no-- He's just the quiz master. But don't let him bother you.


ROLAND: Must he keep talking all the time? It just isn't cricket.


GEORGE: If you two guys wanna play cricket, why don't you go to Central Park?


TOM: Right!


ROLAND: I say, McNaughton, isn't there someplace around here where we can go to have some privacy?


GEORGE: I could tell you both where you could go! ...


TOM: Never mind, Mr. Shelton!


GEORGE: Only there's sailors in the house. ...


TOM: All right.


LULU: Well, I'll play cricket with you, Mr. Young. Is it anything like Post Office?


ROLAND: Post Office? 


LULU: Yeah. 


ROLAND: Ridiculous. Post Office is a children's game.


LULU: Not the way I play it! ...


TOM: Miss McConnell! Please, Miss McConnell! Miss McConnell, you're in your second childhood.


LULU: Ha ha! Yeah, and I'm having more fun than I did in my first! ...


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS AN INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF IRVING BERLIN'S "CHEEK TO CHEEK"


SOUND: APPLAUSE


TOM: Thank you, Dr. Novick, thank you. That - that was very, very refreshing. [...] As is our custom, we have invited two studio audience members up here on the stage. They can ask the experts a question. If they get an intelligent answer, we give them the deed to Radio City. ... If they don't, we give them a couple of discarded Dixie Cups. Who is our first contestant, Mr. Roberts?


ANNOUNCER: Well, our first guest tonight, Mr. Howard, is Fire Control Man Second Class Bruce Griffith of the United States Navy.


SOUND: APPLAUSE


TOM: That's marvelous. Bruce, we are indeed glad to have you here with us. It certainly is a pleasure. How do you feel, Bruce?


BRUCE: Just fine.


TOM: And you certainly do look it. Certainly, you are-- Certainly, a fine lump of sailor, if I must say so. We always like to give the old hometown a plug. Would you care to tell us where your hometown is?


BRUCE: Wrightstown, Wisconsin.


TOM: Wrightstown, Wisconsin. Right you are. Very good.


SOUND: APPLAUSE


GEORGE: Wrightstown, Wisconsin?


TOM: Yeah, yeah.


GEORGE: Well, do my homework and call me Little Orphan Annie!


TOM: Aw, stop it!


GEORGE: (EXCITED) You know, I used to work--! I used to work in that town, Mr. Howard!


TOM: You're gonna strain your tonsils some of these days.


GEORGE: Yeah, I was a farmer in a candy store!


HARRY: You, er-- You were a farmer in a candy store?


GEORGE: Yeah, I used to milk chocolates. ...


TOM: Now, wait a minute!


ROLAND: Mr. Shelton, did I understand you to say you used to milk chocolates?


GEORGE: Yeah.


ROLAND: Did you enjoy that sort of thing?


GEORGE: Well, to be candid--


TOM: Oh, Mr. Shelton, will you cut out the bunk?! Uh, Mr. Young, we have a contestant here.


ROLAND: Oh, really? He looks more like a sailor to me. ...


TOM: Ohhhhh-- [?]


ROLAND: Tell me, Mr. McNaughton, is your brother Bixley in the army?


HARRY: No. No, you see, they put him in Five-X.


ROLAND: Five-X?


HARRY: Yes, that's for single men with furniture. ...


TOM: If it's all the same to you guys, can we get on with the program?! Let's get on here! Mr. McNaughton, with the proper food and plenty of rest and if you keep decent hours, you have excellent chances of becoming a moron!


HARRY: Quite.


TOM: Quite? Yes. Quite! Now, let's get back to the contestant. We're mighty glad to have you with us, Bruce. Pay no attention to--


LULU: What's your first name, honey?!


BRUCE: Bruce.


LULU: Bruce?


TOM: Bruce.


LULU: Cute name, huh?


TOM: Yeah, Bruce is a very--


LULU: Yeah, Bruce. He's a cute kid, too, eh?


TOM: All right, all right. Please.


LULU: Oh, boy! Well, you can just call me Fruitcake!


TOM: Yes.


LULU: I'm full of spice! ...


TOM: And you're just as nutty, too! ... Bruce, you can help us out a great deal here, if you will. Will you reach into the dunce cap there and pick out a question for us? And would you be kind enough to read the question? Just read into the microphone there.


BRUCE: (READS) "What time of day is five o'clock tea served?"


TOM: Ah, it's a good question. "What time--?" No help from the audience, please! No coaching. "What time of day is five o'clock tea served?" Now, let's give this question some consideration. "What time of day is five o'clock tea served?" Do you know, Mr. Shelton?


GEORGE: Do I know what?


TOM: What time of day is five o'clock tea served?


GEORGE: No, I'm sorry, my watch is broke. ...


TOM: Oh, I see. Your watch is broke.


GEORGE: It has no hands on it.


TOM: Uh huh. What is the trouble with the hands? -- says I, stickin' my chin out.


GEORGE: Well, things got so bad I had to lay the hands off!


TOM: Lay the hands off, yes. ...


HARRY: Natural thing.


TOM: I certainly would love to give you the works here, Mr. Shelton. Let's get on here! "What time of day is five o'clock tea served?"


HARRY: I say, tell me, Mr. Young, whatever became of, uh--?


ROLAND: He's married now. 


TOM: Awww.


HARRY: Really? ... Did he marry that girl that used to go with--?


ROLAND: No, he married his nurse.


HARRY: Oh, the one with the--?


ROLAND: No, the other one. 


HARRY: Oh. ... Oh, yes, she lives over on--


ROLAND: No, she moved.


TOM: She moved. ...


HARRY: Didn't she have a brother who--?


ROLAND: No, they thought he did.


TOM: They thought he did. No, that's the wrong fellow, McNaughton. Look, please! Mr. McNaughton, what time of day is five o'clock tea served? You ought to be able to answer that.


HARRY: I'm awfully sorry, Mr.  Howard, but I haven't got my watch with me, either.


TOM: Look, you don't need a watch to tell the time of day--!


ROLAND: No? Have you another method of telling time, Mr. Howard?


TOM: Awwww.


GEORGE: What's the matter with your watch, Mr. McNaughton?


HARRY: Oh, I left it down at the secondhand store.


LULU: What's it doing at the secondhand store?


HARRY: I'm having the second hand fixed.


TOM: (MUMBLES) You're having the second hand fixed. ...


GEORGE: Boy, he's a case, ain't he?


TOM: Yeah, he's a case, yeah. Please! Cut it out! Mr. Young, let me appeal to you. Can you answer the question?


ROLAND: Certainly, old boy. What was the question?


TOM: (WITH DISGUST) Oh, isn't that awful? How can a man be so stupid?


ROLAND: Oh, that's a very unusual question. ...


TOM: (SHOUTS) Look! That is not the question!


ROLAND: Well, you don't have to shout, old boy. You can holler, but please don't shout.


TOM: Please! Oh, goodness, help the sailors on a night like this. Look, I'm just trying to get an answer to a question here!


ROLAND: When do you have to have the answer?


TOM: Right now.


ROLAND: I see. Tomorrow wouldn't do, I suppose? ...


TOM: No. No, I got a date with my dentist tomorrow, Mr. Young.


GEORGE: What was the question again, Mr. Howard?


TOM: "What time of day is five o'clock tea served?" Five o'clock tea.


ROLAND: Did you say five o'clock tea?


TOM: Right!


ROLAND: Splendid. I'll have mine with lemon; two lumps of sugar, if you don't mind. ...


HARRY: And, of course, a crumpet!


ROLAND: Oh, crumpet! Quite.


HARRY: Quite.


ROLAND: Quite.


HARRY: Quite.


TOM: He loves crumpets. ...


[...]


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS FROM THE QUIETER PART OF THE STORM SECTION OF ROSSINI'S "WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE" ... CONTINUES IN BG, AS THE CAST RANDOMLY INTERJECTS VARIOUS REMARKS--


TOM: This is gonna be good.


---


HARRY: It's beautiful, you know. 


TOM: Yes.


HARRY: Lovely.


TOM: I see.


HARRY: If I had my brushes here, I'd paint. ...


---


GEORGE: It does sound beautiful. 


TOM: Yeah.


GEORGE: What is it?


TOM: What is it? They think it's--


LULU: Boy! It sends me!


TOM: Yeah, it does. I wish it would leave you there.


MUSIC: THE STORM SWEEPS IN ... CONTINUES IN BG, WITH MORE RANDOM COMMENTS


TOM: They think it's beautiful, Mr. Taylor.


DEEMS TAYLOR: I agree with you, Mr. Howard.


---


TOM: The band is playing "William Tell," ladies and gentlemen.


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA SWITCHES TO A BOUNCY SWING ARRANGEMENT OF THE OVERTURE ... STOPS FOR "FIRST CALL" ON THE BUGLE ... THEN BEHIND--


TOM: They're off!


GEORGE: I'm playing Richmond in the third race.


TOM: I see.


MUSIC: A HORSE RACE VERSION OF THE OVERTURE'S FINAL SECTION (THE LIVELY "LONE RANGER" THEME) ... THEN IN BG


TOM: There they go.


MUSIC: BARRELS ALONG TO THE CLIMAX ... THEN IN BG


TOM: The only band in the country that plays without taking the instruments out of the cases.


MUSIC: BRIEFLY INTERPOLATES A GOOFY "MAIRZY DOATS" ... THEN IN BG


TOM: They've got "Mairzy Doats" in there!


MUSIC: LENGTHY FINALE ... TO A BIG FINISH


SOUND: APPLAUSE


TOM: Thank you, Dr. Novick for finishing. ... When the Pied Piper chased the rats out of Hamelin, he really had Nat Novick's orchestra with him, if you want the facts. [...] So now our orchestra, led by Dr. Novick-- He is the leader because he's the only member of the orchestra that looks good from the back. He will play a number. Can we have a number, Dr. Novick?


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS FROM "BABRER OF SEVILLE" ... CONTINUES IN BG, AS THE CAST RANDOMLY INTERJECTS VARIOUS REMARKS--


TOM: Maybe this is gonna be good.


HARRY: Isn't that--?


TOM: Oh, no.


HARRY: Isn't that beautiful, Mr. Young?


ROLAND: Quite, old boy. Quite. What would you say it was?


HARRY: If you name it, you can have it.


---


LULU: That music does things to me. What does it do to you, Mr. Young?


ROLAND: I wouldn't care to say. After all, it could be something I ate.


---


TOM: Ah, I didn't think it was that early.


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA SWITCHES TO A SWING ARRANGEMENT ... THEN RETURNS TO THE CLASSICAL WITH A SQUEAKY VIOLIN ... THEN IN BG


TOM: If the union takes dues from these people they should be ashamed of themselves.


---


TOM: This would be a good time to put the kiddies to bed, ladies and gentlemen.


MUSIC: MORE SWING ... THEN BACK TO CLASSICAL WITH SOME SOUR NOTES


TOM: Fine time to practice.


GEORGE: That guy's playin' the limb of a tree or somethin'.


MUSIC: TWO INSTRUMENTS IN AN ASCENDING OUT-OF-TUNE DUET


TOM: Aw, get it, will ya? Get it!


MUSIC: THE TWO FINALLY GET IN TUNE AT THE TOP OF THE SCALE


SOUND: MUSICIANS CHEER


TOM: Yeah, he got it.


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA LURCHES ALONG IN CLASSICAL MODE


TOM: Must have copied this arrangement off the side of a boxcar somewhere.


MUSIC: HEADS FOR THE FINISH


TOM: I think this is the finish, ladies and gentlemen.


MUSIC: THE FINISH!


SOUND: APPLAUSE


TOM: Boy, oh, boy. Aw, stop it, ladies and gentlemen; they'll think they're good. That was Dr. Novick's orchestra. Boy, if that's music, I'm a monkey's uncle.


GEORGE: Well, that's music!


TOM: Yeah, all right. ...


GEORGE: Hey, how are all your nephews, Mr. Howard?


TOM: Thank you, Mr. Shelton, thank you. Now, let's get on here. Have we another contestant, Mr. Roberts?


ANNOUNCER: Why, yes, we have, Mr. Howard, and here she comes now. She is Specialist Third Class Dorothy Breeden of the United States WAVES.


SOUND: APPLAUSE


TOM: Oh, well, well, well! That is marvelous. How do you do, Miss Breeden? This is indeed a pleasure and thank you a lot for exposing yourself to all this ignorance. How do you feel, Miss Breeden?


DOROTHY: I feel fine, thank you.


TOM: That's great. You look fine.


ROLAND: She looks fine, too, doesn't she?


TOM: Yes, she's very fine.


ROLAND: Yeah. I'm glad there's something about this program I like.


TOM: Okay, Mr. Young. ...


ROLAND: If you don't mind, Mr. Howard, I'll take over from here. What's your name, young lady?


TOM: Wait a minute.


DOROTHY: Dorothy Breeden.


ROLAND: Very pretty name.


TOM: Yes.


ROLAND: And, I might add, a very pretty girl.


LULU: (GIGGLES)


TOM: All right, all right.


ROLAND: Don't you think so, Mr. McNaughton?


HARRY: Quite! Definitely quite!


ROLAND: Tell me, young lady, how did you happen to get mixed up in this clambake? ...


TOM: Aw, now, wait a minute here! Please!


ROLAND: Young lady, how long have you been in the service?


DOROTHY: Almost a year.


ROLAND: Very commendable. Where is your hometown? What's your phone number? ...


TOM: Aw, cut it out, will ya, please?!


GEORGE: You know, I used to know a young lady from that town.


TOM: What town?!


GEORGE: I don't know.


TOM: He didn't mention any town! ...


GEORGE: I don't care what town he mentions! I met her there.


ROLAND: Well, we're not interested.


TOM: Will you lay off before I wrap this microphone around your neck?!


ROLAND: What did you do before you entered the service, my dear?


DOROTHY: I went to school.


ROLAND: Uh huh. That's more than anyone here did. ...


TOM: All right, Mr. Young. Thank you a lot.


ROLAND: What do you say, young lady, let's you and I duck out of this and go someplace where we can have fun?


GEORGE: That's a good idea. Just the three of us. ...


ROLAND: We could walk through Central Park.


GEORGE: Yeah, just the three of us.


ROLAND: Then we can take a walk up Broadway.


GEORGE: Oh, boy, just the three of us!


ROLAND: Then we can go in a nightclub.


GEORGE: Yeah, just the three of us.


ROLAND: And have a big ten-dollar dinner.


GEORGE: Ya finally got rid of me! ...


TOM: Mr. Young, can I please have my program back? Please?


ROLAND: You can have your program back. All I want is the young lady. ...


TOM: I see.


LULU: There he goes, throwing me over like an old dishrag!


TOM: A very good description of yourself, Miss McConnell. Very good! ...


GEORGE: But, Miss McConnell, what do you want with him? You've already got a husband.


LULU: I've got a hat, too, but that don't stop me from wanting another one! ...


TOM: Yeah.


ROLAND: I wish you people would stop interrupting the program.


HARRY: Us interrupting? Why, Mr. Young, I haven't said a word in five minutes.


ROLAND: I appreciate that, old boy.


TOM: Now, look, the only way out of this, I think, is to get our charming guest here to help us out by reaching into the dunce cap and picking out a question for us.


ROLAND: Don't do it, miss. You'll only get twenty-five dollars.


TOM: Never mind, Mr. Young! Don't do it, he tells her. Er, would you read the question, please?


DOROTHY: (READS) "What kind of a bird is raised on an ostrich farm?" ...


TOM: Well, well, well.


GEORGE: Boy, if we miss this, we're gonna lay a big egg. ...


TOM: Oh, never mind. I was waiting for that. The question is: "What kind of a bird is raised on an ostrich farm?" Have you got it, Mr. McNaughton?


HARRY: Have I got what, an ostrich?


TOM: Have you got the question?!


LULU: They have those farms in Australia, don't they, Mr. Howard?


TOM: Yes, I believe they're quite common in Australia.


ROLAND: I have a friend in Australia.


HARRY: You have a friend in Australia?


ROLAND: Yes, he's a beer salesman. He sells hops to the kangaroos. ...


TOM: He sells hops-- 


HARRY: (DELAYED REACTION) Oh, yes. (CHUCKLES)


TOM: Please, please! Sells hops to the kangaroos.


LULU: Well, what's a kangaroo?


TOM: Aw, never mind. Leave 'em holdin' the bag there. ... Let's get on with this. Kangaroo is a native of Australia.


GEORGE: Oh, yeah? My sister married one of them!


TOM: All right, please! ... His sister married one. Look, we have a question here--


GEORGE: Mr. Howard, they also have ostrich farms down in Florida, you know.


TOM: Oh, they do?


GEORGE: Yeah, I hired one of them once and took a ride.


HARRY: Oh, really? Really? How much did they charge you?


GEORGE: Five dollars a day. I hired mine at night.


HARRY: Oh? How much did you pay at night?


GEORGE: The man isn't there at night. ...


ROLAND: I imagine it would be cheaper that way.


GEORGE: Did you ever ride an ostrich, Mr. Young?


ROLAND: Several times.


GEORGE: Yeah?


ROLAND: I'll never forget the first one I rode. There I was, going along about forty miles an hour when suddenly we came to a fence.


HARRY: Did you make the hurdle?


ROLAND: No. The ostrich did, though. ...


TOM: The ostrich did.


HARRY: How embarrassing.


ROLAND: Finally, I got on his back again and away we went. We came to a fork in the road. I wanted to go one way and the ostrich wanted to go the other way.


GEORGE: Yeah? What happened?


ROLAND: He tossed me for it. ...


TOM: He tossed you for it.


GEORGE: You know, riding ostriches is great sport, though. I got so I could ride along and pick up a handkerchief with my teeth.


ROLAND: What did you do for an encore?


GEORGE: I used to go back and pick up my teeth. ...


[...]


TOM: Well, now a special announcement. Uh, Nat Novick and his No Doubt Orchestra will play a selection. Put all your milk in the icebox, ladies, because this music will be sure to curdle it. Here he is, Nat Novick.


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS "THE SKATER'S WALTZ" ... CONTINUES IN BG, AS THE CAST RANDOMLY INTERJECTS VARIOUS REMARKS--


HARRY: Ah, "The Skater's Waltz." I've never heard it played like this before.


TOM: No, nobody else did, either. ...


---


LULU: Ah, that music just carries me away.


TOM: Wherever it carries you to, I hope it leaves ya there. ...


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA SWITCHES TO A POUNDING SWING ARRANGEMENT OF "THE SKATER'S WALTZ" ... TROMBONE GLISSANDO ... THEN BACK TO WALTZ TIME ... IN BG


GEORGE: Oh, that trombone player is wonderful. I love his spritzy-catta.


TOM: Yeah, somebody out to cut it out.


MUSIC: AWKWARD DRUM BREAK


TOM: There's nothing the matter with your radio, folks. The drummer just dropped his bridgework.


MUSIC: SQUEAKY VIOLINS


TOM: Ain't that awful?


MUSIC: INTERPOLATES "THE MORE WE GET TOGETHER"/"OH DU LIEBER AUGUSTIN" BY DRUNKEN TRUMPETS


TOM: Aw, cut it out, will ya?!


MUSIC: BACK TO "SKATER'S WALTZ" WITH SOUR NOTES


TOM: Aw!


MUSIC: LURCHING TO A CONCLUSION


TOM: These musicians are all rejects from Local Eight-Oh-Two.


MUSIC: SEEMS TO CONCLUDE


TOM: Thank you.


MUSIC: SEEMS TO CONCLUDE


TOM: Thank you, I said.


MUSIC: SEEMS TO CONCLUDE


TOM: All right, thanks!


MUSIC: LONG NOTE ... SEEMS TO REALLY CONCLUDE


TOM: Thank you, Dr. Novick!


MUSIC: COMIC "THREE STOOGES" ENDING AND ACTUALLY CONCLUDES


SOUND: APPLAUSE


TOM: Ladies and gentlemen-- [...] And now, just to get serious for a moment or two, I'd really like to thank our good friend Mr. Young for being with us this evening. He sure did do a great job and we've enjoyed your company very much, Mr. Young. Drop in and see us again some time.


ROLAND: How 'bout next week?


TOM: That's too soon. ... But no kidding, Mr. Young, you really were great. We're glad to have had you. Our guest next week will be Mr. Robert Benchley.


LULU: Oh, Robert Benchley!


TOM: Yes.


LULU: My favorite! I'll have to go to the beauty parlor and get myself all dolled up!


TOM: Yeah, the pet shop would do a better job. ...


LULU: Why don't you dry up, you old wet sponge?


HARRY: Oh, you know, Bob Benchley is my favorite movie actor, yes. You know, I just love him when he says, uh, (IMITATES CHARLES BOYER, HEAVY FRENCH ACCENT) "Ah, ma cherie, I kees you. I take you to the Casbah."


TOM: Okay, look--


HARRY: I kees you beeg!


TOM: Yeah, Mr. McNaughton, that's--


HARRY: In the Casbah, I kees you.


TOM: Look, that's Charles Boyer!


GEORGE: Certainly! Anybody knows that's Charles Boyer.


TOM: Thank you, Mr. Shelton.


GEORGE: I know his brother -- Life Buoy-ay.


TOM: Life Buoy-ay. Oh, what's the use? ... Now you know what we mean when we say--


MUSIC: FOR THEME


SINGER: (SINGS)

It pays to be ignorant,

To be dense, to be dumb, to be ignorant,

It pays to be ignorant just like me!


[...]


AFRS ANNCR: This is the Armed Forces Radio Service.


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS A SWINGING VERSION OF THE "IT PAYS TO BE IGNORANT" THEME UNTIL END

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