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Crunchies

December Bride

Crunchies

Jun 15 1952





CAST:

ANNOUNCER

MATT

RUTH

LILY

PETE

OSCAR

WAITER

SECRETARY (1 line)

CBS ANNOUNCER (1 line)








ANNOUNCER: And now DECEMBER BRIDE, created by Parke Levy, featuring Hal March and Doris Singleton--


MUSIC: IN


ANNOUNCER: --and starring the beloved lady of the screen, Spring Byington!


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: THEME ... OUT BEHIND--


MATT: My name is Matt Henshaw. I'm an ordinary guy, wear ordinary clothes, live in an ordinary house. In fact, I'm just what I appear to be, a perfectly normal guy, except for one thing. I like my mother-in-law. ... Everybody likes her, especially the eligible bachelors. You know, since Lily came to stay with us, the grocer always wears a clean apron, the butcher always comes to the door with a smile, and the ice man has been leaving fifty pounds of ice every morning, which says a lot for Lily's attraction, considering that we don't have an icebox. ... Would you believe it? As I said to my wife Ruth, your mother's only been here a week and she's had three dates already.


RUTH: Four.


MATT: Four?


RUTH: Mm hm. She's got a date for lunch.


MATT: Who is it this time?


RUTH: I don't know. It's a new man she's met.


MATT: You don't know? That's a pretty indifferent attitude to take about your own flesh and blood.


RUTH: Oh, Matt, will you stop worrying about mother? She's old enough to take care of herself.


MATT: Oh, yeah? Yeah, well, what about that sailor she went out with?


RUTH: That sailor, as you call him, happened to be an admiral.


MATT: Oh, well, then that admiral, as you call him, acted like a sailor. ... He brought her home at two o'clock in the morning.


RUTH: They were at Echo Park. Mother explained all that.


MATT: Ruth, I absolutely refuse to believe that an admiral, who has graduated from Annapolis and has been in the Navy thirty-three years, can get lost in a rowboat on Echo Park Lake. ...


RUTH: Oh, Matt, stop acting like a father in a bad play. 


MATT: Well, I'm only--


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


LILY: (OFF) Ruth?


RUTH: Yes, mother? (LOW) Now, Matt, please don't embarrass me. 


MATT: Okay. 


SOUND: LILY'S FOOTSTEPS IN


LILY: Good morning, children. 


MATT: Morning, Lily.


RUTH: Morning.


MATT: I understand you have a lunch engagement.


LILY: Yes, that's right.


MATT: Well, I don't want to pry into your personal affairs, Lily, but - what exactly do you know about this man?


LILY: Well, his name is Oscar Primrose. 


MATT: (BEAT) Yes?


LILY: That about covers it. ...


MATT: Lily, you must know more about a man you're going out with than that.


LILY: Now, dear, when you first meet a gentleman, it isn't proper to ask too many questions. 


RUTH: No, of course not.


LILY: But Mr. Primrose is a man of culture. His eldest daughter went to Vassar, until she married Nick Compton who has hay fever and isn't doing well, and he divorced his first wife because she ran away with a ballet teacher.


MATT: Well, how do ya--? How do ya know all these things?


LILY: I asked him. ...


MATT: Lily, where did you meet this man?


LILY: Oh, (LAUGHS) it was quite accidental. I was passing by a pet shop and there was the cutest little schnauzer puppy in the window, so I went in to look at him.


MATT: I see.


LILY: And Oscar was looking at him, too.


MATT: Yes?


LILY: He looked so adorable I just wanted to hug him and kiss him.


MATT: Oscar?


LILY: No, the schnauzer. ... If you could only have seen how nice he looked with his nose pressed up against the window and a pleading look in his big brown eyes.


MATT: The schnauzer?


LILY: No, Oscar. ... And then he came over to ask me if I wanted to take him home with me. It broke my heart because I had to say no.


RUTH: Oscar?


LILY: No.


MATT: The schnauzer?


LILY: No, the salesman. ... You know we have no place here to keep a dog. And then he asked me to go out to lunch with him.


MATT: Oscar?


LILY: Of course.


MATT: Oh.


LILY: So you see it was all perfectly proper.


MATT: Lily--


LILY: Huh?


MATT: Uh, please sit down.


LILY: All right.


SOUND: CHAIR SCRAPES


MATT: I - I think it's time we had a heart-to-heart talk. You see, in this world there are two kinds of men. Nice men and, uh-- Well-- Then there are some who - who-- Well, the less said about them, the better. ... Now, this type of man is always, uh-- Well, what I mean is, you've got to be more than careful because he, uh-- In other words, Lily, a man of this kind is always, uh-- That is, nearly always, uh-- Do you follow me? ...


LILY: Yes, Matt.


MATT: Good, good. I-- Lily, I hope I haven't embarrassed you by speaking plainly, but I felt the time was-- ... I - I felt the time was right for a straight-from-the-shoulder talk.


LILY: Children, I appreciate your concern about me, but it's really unnecessary. Mr. Primrose is a respectable businessman and, like I said before, when I kissed him goodbye--


MATT: What?


RUTH: Mother! 


LILY: Huh? 


RUTH: You kissed a man the first time you saw him?


LILY: Well, he was getting on a train and I looked around and everybody else seemed to be doing it. ... Oh, my goodness, it's eleven o'clock. He'll be here soon. I better get dressed. 


SOUND: LILY'S FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR, WHICH CLOSES


MATT: Imagine -- kissing a guy the first time she meets him. 


SOUND: DOOR OPENS


PETE: (ENTERS) Hiya, neighbors. 


RUTH: Oh, hello, Pete. 


MATT: Oh, hiya, Pete. How's every little thing?


LILY: (CALLS, FROM OFF) Oh, Ruuuuuth? 


RUTH: Yes, mother?


LILY: (OFF) Uh, do you know where my perfume is? 


RUTH: Oh, I borrowed it. I'll get it for you. 


SOUND: RUTH'S FOOTSTEPS AWAY


PETE: What does Lily want with perfume at eleven o'clock in the morning?


MATT: Oh, she's going out. She's got another date.


PETE: Another date? How does she do it? I've got a mother-in-law that if the house was burning, a firemen wouldn't take her out. ...


MATT: Oh, Pete, you're exaggerating. Maybe - maybe she's one of those women who are not interested in men.


PETE: Not interested in men? Are you kidding? She's lifted every manhole cover in town to see what's under it. ...


MATT: Pete, I just don't understand your attitude.


PETE: Now what's so hard to understand about my attitude? I got a perfectly sane, normal, healthy, one-hundred-percent-American feeling. I hate my mother-in-law! ...


MATT: Now-now-now, Pete, you're just prejudiced.


PETE: Well, it's easy for you to talk. You've got a mother-in-law that's fairly attractive. I've got one whose face would stop a clock.


MATT: You're exaggerating.


PETE: Oh, yeah? Then how do you explain the fact that she isn't allowed within ten miles of the Naval Observatory? ...


MATT: Please, Pete.


PETE: Now, look, Matt, you're not in the same position I am. Lily has dates, she goes out; you might even marry her off some day.


MATT: Well, if that'll make her happy, sure. But not to any Tom, Dick, or Oscar.


PETE: Oscar?


MATT: Yeah. That's the guy she's going out with today. I don't even know anything about him.


PETE: Well, it's easy enough to find out about him. If he's got any dough, he'll be in Dun and Bradstreet.


MATT: Yeah.


PETE: Say, I think I brought a copy home from the office. 


MATT: Say, get it, will you, Pete? 


PETE: I'll run home and see if I got it. 


MATT: Good idea, and hurry, Pete.


PETE: (MOVING OFF) Yeah, I'll be right back. (BUMPS INTO RUTH, OFF) Oof! Excuse me, Ruth.


RUTH: (PUZZLED, TO MATT) Hey, where - where's Pete rushing off to? 


MATT: Well, we'll soon find out about Oscar. Pete's gonna look him up in Dun and Bradstreet. 


RUTH: For heaven's sake, what for? He's only taking mother to lunch. 


MATT: I know, but I just wanna make sure that Lily doesn't get stuck for the check. ...


MUSIC: TRANSITION 


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES


PETE: Hey, Matt?! Matt?!


MATT: Yeah? 


PETE: I found the book. 


MATT: Okay, great. Well, we'll soon see what Dun and Bradstreet has to say about Oscar Primrose. 


PETE: Primrose, huh? Wait a minute now. (THUMBS THROUGH BOOK) Pendergast -- Pondecker -- Prigee -- Primrose


MATT: Primrose. 


PETE: Primrose. Here it is. Here. Oscar. Oscar Primrose.


MATT: So what does it say? 


PETE: (MUMBLES TO HIMSELF; THEN--) WOW! 


MATT: (STAMMERS) What's it say? 


PETE: Matt! Do you know who Oscar Primrose is?


MATT: Who?


PETE: He's Crunchies!


MATT: What?


PETE: Crunchies! The biggest selling breakfast cereal in the country! Oscar Primrose owns it!


MATT: No kidding?


PETE: Oh, I can see the entire wedding ceremony right now! They'll march down the aisle under a canopy of box tops! ... Oh, what a father-in-law to have! Matt, what a break for you!


MATT: Me? Well, what good'll it do me if he marries Lily?


PETE: Oh, come on, Matt! Ya know if Mr. Primrose marries Lily, he'll probably give you a nice fat job. You'll probably be vice president.


MATT: (THOUGHTFUL) Vice president? Hmmm. Vice president, eh? (DISMISSIVE) Look, Pete, I'm not one of those guys who's gonna use his mother-in-law to get ahead. And, I assure you, I will not go out of my way to impress him. 


SOUND: RUTH'S FOOTSTEPS IN


RUTH: Matt, did you see where I left my--?


MATT: (MELODRAMATIC) Ruth! You're not gonna wear that dress! 


RUTH: What's the matter with this dress? 


MATT: Well, don't just stand there, tidy up the house. 


RUTH: Matt, why--?


MATT: Did you dust the furniture?


RUTH: What's going on? 


MATT: Take - take that vase off the piano. 


RUTH: What on earth for? 


MATT: It looks awful. 


RUTH: Well, what should I put there?


PETE: How about a box of Crunchies? 


MATT: That's a brilliant idea! (TO RUTH) Have you got a box in the house? 


RUTH: Crunchies? Have you gone crazy? 


MATT: Well, we - we've got some, haven't we? 


RUTH: Well, sure. I bought 'em last week, but you wouldn't eat them; you said they were terrible. 


MATT: (WOUNDED) I said that? ... I never! ...


RUTH: Well, you certainly did! And I can tell you exactly what you said. You said of all the--


MATT: Never mind! You misunderstood me. 


RUTH: Pete, what's gotten into him? 


PETE: Money.


RUTH: Whose?


PETE: Lily's new boyfriend. He owns Crunchies.


RUTH: Ohhhhh. So that's it.


MATT: Now-now-now -- you've got it all wrong, Ruth. I have no personal interest in this thing at all. All I'm thinking of is Lily's vice presidency-- Uh, uh, happiness. ...


PETE: Well, I can't stand all this vulgar talk about money. I'm goin' home. And if the wedding comes off, let me know, will ya? I got an old pair of shoes I'd like to throw out to the bride. My mother-in-law'll be in 'em. ...


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES


MATT: (DISTRACTED) Huh? Yeah, well, so long, Pete. Now let me see, where's that cigar George gave me last Christmas when his wife had a baby? 


SOUND: DOORBELL RINGS


MATT: (NERVOUS) Oh, that must be he -- I mean him -- now.


LILY: I'll get it. 


MATT: Fix your hair, Ruth! Do I need a shave? 


RUTH: Oh, Matt, relax, will you? 


MATT: Well, I'll--


SOUND: DOOR OPENS ... LILY AND OSCAR'S FOOTSTEPS IN


LILY: This is my family, Oscar; my daughter Ruth and my son-in-law Matt. 


OSCAR: Well, I'm - I'm very happy to know you. 


RUTH: Hello.


MATT: (FERVENT) Sir, I'm delighted! Meeting you is a rare privilege! It is indeed an honor to welcome you to our--!


RUTH: Okay, Matt, I think you made your point.


OSCAR: Say, uh, what a handsome family you have, Lily, and I can see where your daughter gets her good looks. (LAUGHS) I always say the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree.


MATT: (QUIETLY FAWNING) "The acorn doesn't fall far from--" Say, Mr. Primrose, that's a very deep thought, do you mind if I write that down?


OSCAR: No. No, not at all. (CHUCKLES) 


LILY: Oscar's always saying deep things. What was that you said yesterday, Oscar? 


OSCAR: Oh, yes, yes, you mean the, uh-- (CLEARS THROAT) "The darkest path in the forest leads to a brighter day."


LILY: Yes, that's it. That's the one. I didn't understand that either. ...


MATT: (AS IF IN AWE) "Path in the forest leads to a brighter day." That's just great, Mr. Primrose. 


OSCAR: (POMPOUS) Great is he who wears the cloak of humility. 


MATT: Gosh! "Great is he--"


RUTH: (INTERRUPTS) Uh, where are you two going for lunch? 


OSCAR: La Maison du Cheval Blanc.


MATT: "La Maison--"


RUTH: That's a restaurant, Matt.


MATT: Oh. ...


OSCAR: Well, uh, it's the greatest, uh, the-- I would say it's the greatest place in town for lunch.


MATT: Lunch?! I don't know how you can mention lunch. What a breakfast I had! (LAUGHS) Out of this world!


OSCAR: Really? 


MATT: Yes, sir, three bowls of good old Crunchies! (LAUGHS) Absolutely delicious. 


LILY: But, Matt, you told me you hated Crunchies. You said they were terrible.


MATT: Lily! You must be mistaken!


LILY: But, Matt, only yesterday you told me that Crunchies turned milk sour as soon as it was poured on.


MATT: (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Lily, what a kidder you are! Mr. Primrose might take you seriously. Mr. Primrose -- who manufactures Crunchies.


LILY: Oh! Oh, my goodness. Oh, Oscar. I'm - I'm really very sorry.


OSCAR: Oh, no, no, that's perfectly all right. I manufacture Crunchies, but I don't have to eat them! ... No, eating is too thrilling an experience to waste it on (LAUGHS) Crunchies. (CHUCKLES) ...


LILY: I knew the minute I met you, Oscar, that you were a man who enjoyed the better things.


OSCAR: Yes, well, with all modesty, I do enjoy some reputation as a connoisseur of good food. That's why I'm looking forward to revisiting some of my favorite eating places in Europe.


LILY: Europe? 


MATT: When are you going?


OSCAR: Well, I'm leaving in three days and I'll be gone for approximately six months. Oh, I'd love to show you Europe, Lily.


LILY: Oh, I'd love to see it.


MATT: Well, then that settles it!


RUTH: (CHIDES) Matt. ...


OSCAR: And, uh, I'm glad, Lily, that, uh, one of my last days here will be spent in such (CHUCKLES) charming company.


LILY: (CHUCKLES) 


OSCAR: We'll make it a real celebration. 


LILY: Thank you. I'll go get my coat.


RUTH: I'll go with you, mother. 


OSCAR: Ah, that's a charming woman, your mother-in-law, boy. 


MATT: (LAUGHS) Yes.


SOUND: RUTH AND LILY'S FOOTSTEPS DURING ABOVE ... THEN OUT BEHIND--


RUTH: Mother, what are you going to do? 


LILY: Uh, about what, dear?


RUTH: About Mr. Primrose. You heard what he said. He's leaving in three days; you won't have much time.


LILY: Oh, well, you know, maybe he doesn't like me.


RUTH: Oh, of course he does. I saw how he looked at you. 


LILY: Did he? 


RUTH: And-and-and you like him, don't you?


LILY: Well, yes, I do, but that doesn't mean he's gonna propose to me.


RUTH: Well, he will, if you make yourself provocative and alluring and exciting. Here let me spritz more perfume on you.


LILY: All right, but from the way Oscar talked about food, I think I'd do better to put a drop of gravy behind each ear. ...


MUSIC: TRANSITION 


SOUND: PHONE RINGS ... THEN IN BG


MATT: I'll get it. 


RUTH: No-no-no, I will. It's probably mother. I told her to call and report if anything happens. 


MATT: Okay. 


SOUND: RECEIVER UP


RUTH: (INTO PHONE) Hello? 


LILY: (FILTER) Hello, dear, is that you? 


RUTH: Oh, mother, tell me, has anything happened yet? 


LILY: (FILTER) No, dear, but I think it won't be long.


RUTH: Oh, what makes you think so?


LILY: (FILTER) Well, he told me all about his first wife while we had the hors d'oeuvres. Then he told me about his second wife while we were having celery and olives. And all through the consummé I heard about his third wife. He should be getting to me by the time we reach dessert. ...


MUSIC: FIRST ACT CURTAIN


SOUND: APPLAUSE 


MUSIC: INTRODUCTION ... THEN OUT BEHIND--


MATT: Well, Lily was out with Oscar Primrose and she promised to call as soon as there was any progress, but naturally being a busy man and this being Lily's affair, not mine, I - I certainly wasn't gonna hang around the phone waiting for a report. 


SOUND: PHONE RINGS ... RECEIVER UP QUICKLY


MATT: (EXCITED, INTO PHONE) Hello?! Hello?! Hello, Lily did he--?! ... (ANNOYED) No, lady, we didn't lose a brown and white cocker spaniel. Goodbye!


SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN


MATT: How do so many people get wrong numbers?


RUTH: Oh, Matt, relax, will you?


MATT: I'm - I'm perfectly relaxed.


RUTH: Go into the living room. I'll call you when the phone rings and in a few minutes I'll have lunch ready.


MATT: Lunch. That - that's a good idea. What's for lunch? 


RUTH: Uh, codfish cakes and boiled turnips. 


MATT: (REVOLTED) Ewwww. .. Boiled turnips? You're kidding! 


RUTH: What's wrong with boiled turnips? Lots of people serve them.


MATT: I know, but very few people eat them. ...


RUTH: Look, I went to a lot of trouble to make this meal and the least you can do is to show some appreciation.


MATT: Well, I do appreciate it, Ruth, but how come your mother can go into the kitchen and, in no time at all, whip up a meal that's just delicious?


RUTH: Ohhhh. So you think my mother's a better cook than I am?


MATT: Only when it comes to cooking food. ... Turnips, you cook better.


RUTH: Well, you don't have to be nasty.


MATT: Ruth, when it comes to cooking, don't compare yourself with your mother.


SOUND: DOOR OPENS ... PETE'S FOOTSTEPS IN


PETE: (OFF) Hey, Matt, you home?


MATT: Yeah.


PETE: (CLOSER) Well, if anybody asks me to stay to lunch, I won't say no.


MATT: Oh? How come you're not eating at home, Pete? Didn't Gladys cook for you?


PETE: Oh, yes. Can you think of a better reason for eating out? ...


RUTH: Now, Pete, I happen to know Gladys is a very good cook.


PETE: Are you kidding? Before we got married, she cooked for the rescue mission -- and, for one week, all the bums went out and got jobs. ... You know what she made for me today? Egg foo yung.


RUTH: What's wrong with that?


PETE: Well, I tasted it. It's neither egg nor yung; it's just foo! ... Believe me, if that-- 


SOUND: DOG BARKS, OFF


MATT: Hold it, hold it, Pete. What's - what's that sound? Wait a second.


SOUND: MATT'S FOOTSTEPS TO WINDOW, WHICH OPENS


MATT: Hey, Pete, that's your dog running away from your house.


PETE: Well, naturally -- he knows it's time for Gladys to feed him! ... Well, believe me, that girl is gonna have to learn to cook because it's gettin' to a point where it's unbearable. You realize I got the only garbage disposal in town that has to take bicarbonate of soda? ...


MATT: Yeah, well, you should talk. Look what Ruth made for me today. Codfish cakes and boiled turnips.


PETE: Well, that far my Gladys wouldn't go.


MATT: There, you see, Ruth?


RUTH: Well! If that's the way you feel about it, Matt Henshaw, you can eat out. 


MATT: But - but, Ruth--


RUTH: I mean it! You're gonna get your lesson once and for all. If you want lunch, go to a restaurant. Goodbye! 


SOUND: DOOR SLAMS AS RUTH STORMS OUT


MUSIC: TRANSITION


SOUND: RESTAURANT BACKGROUND


WAITER: (FRENCH ACCENT) I hope madame enjoyed the lunch.


LILY: Oh, thank you, waiter. I've never been to a French restaurant like this before. It's - it's just, uh, très regal. (PRONOUNCED "REE-gul")


WAITER: Would madame care for something else?


LILY: Well, Mr. Primrose just went to make a phone call and asked me to order a Benedictine and brandy for him.


WAITER: Oui. And for madame?


LILY: Well, I don't drink.


WAITER: What a pity.


LILY: Oh. Do you think I should?


WAITER: Well, everyone around you is. Sometimes a drink is the doorkey to romance.


LILY: Oh, I'm not averse to opening a door. ... Let me see the menu. (READS) Uh, "Crème du Menthe, Pousse Café, Orange Blossom, Horse's Neck--" Horse's Neck -- my, that sounds refreshing. ... I'll take that.


WAITER: Very good, madame.


OSCAR: (APPROACHES) Uh, Lily, did you order the liqueurs?


WAITER: Madame just did.


OSCAR: Yeah, well, thank you, thank you very much. (WAITER LEAVES, TO LILY) Uh, now just think, Lily, in a few short days I'll be dining at Simpson's restaurant in London.


LILY: Oh, that'll be nice. 


OSCAR: I'm, uh, certainly going to miss you, Lily. 


LILY: You will?


OSCAR: (CHUCKLES) Oh, you know I will. (CHUCKLES) 


LILY: (CHUCKLES)


OSCAR: Ah, you'd love the cities of Europe. You've, uh, never seen them, have you?


LILY: No, but there are a few cities in the United States I'd like to see -- Chicago, Cleveland, (BEAT, SLYLY) Niagara Falls. ... They tell me Niagara Falls is beautiful.


WAITER: (APPROACHES) Here are the drinks. Let me see, the Benedictine and brandy for the gentleman.


OSCAR: As we say, yes -- oui. 


WAITER: And this, uh, drink for the lady. 


LILY: Thank you. (WAITER LEAVES, TO OSCAR) You know, Oscar, there's something I must tell you. 


OSCAR: What is that?


LILY: I've never had a drink before. 


OSCAR: You've never had a drink? 


LILY: No. But since you're going away, I think we should celebrate. 


OSCAR: Yes! Yes, that's the spirit! Well, uh -- heh! -- here's to you. 


LILY: Bottom's over. ... Ooh! My, this is strong, Oscar. I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying this lunch.


OSCAR: Oh, now wait a minute, you call this a good lunch? Gotta see the food you get abroad. On this European trip, I'm going to Paris for Vichyssoise; to, uh, Berlin for Sauerbraten; to Vienna for Wiener Schnitzel; and, uh, do you know what I'm going to get in Constantinople?


LILY: Indigestion? ...


OSCAR: (HIGHLY AMUSED) Indigestion?! No, no -- Shish Kabob! (CHUCKLES)


LILY: Oh. Shish Kabob always gives me indigestion.


OSCAR: Oh, Lily, you are-- You are priceless. (LOW, HEARTFELT) It's wonderful, uh, being with you.


LILY: (GIGGLES SELFCONSCIOUSLY) Oscar, you mustn't. Everybody can see you holding my hand. 


OSCAR: Why, Lily, you're - you're blushing.


LILY: It must be the drink. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Oscar, please don't-- Please don't take advantage of me; I don't know what I'm doing. ... I shouldn't be drinking. Waiter, another Morse's Neck. ... I - I mean a Horse's Neck.


MUSIC: TRANSITION 


LILY: (DRUNKENLY) Oh, Oscar, I don't know when I've had such a good time. Yoo hoo, waiter! Another Horse's Tail! ...


WAITER: You mean Horse's Neck. 


LILY: Bring me the whole horse; I'll pick out the part I want. ...


OSCAR: Lily, Lily--


LILY: I want to live! Live


OSCAR: Uh--


LILY: (SINGS) I want to live! I want to live! 


OSCAR: Lily! Lily! Lily! Lily, please!


LILY: What? 


OSCAR: Everybody's watching you.


LILY: (GIGGLES) Well, so what? Oh, I seel so filly. ... I mean, I feel so hilly. ... I mean, I feel so chilly. (CHUCKLES) Isn't that terrible? I can't say it. My goodness, waiter! What did you put in these Horse's Necks?


WAITER: It is only ginger ale, with a cherry in it.


LILY: Ohhhhh. Is - is that all?


WAITER: Yes, madame.


LILY: (SOBERLY) Oh, dear. Now I really feel silly. Oh, Oscar, I'm so embarrassed. I wonder what made me act like that.


OSCAR: Oh, well, that's what I like about you -- you're so unworldly. Lily, I, uh-- I want to ask you something. (SEES SOMETHING, MILDLY SURPRISED) Oh.


LILY: What? What?


OSCAR: Isn't that your son-in-law Matt, over there by himself?


LILY: Well, it can't be; Matt wouldn't be here by himself-- (SURPRISED) Yes, it is!


OSCAR: Well, be that as it may, Lily, what I'm trying to say is-- All my life I've waited--


LILY: Oh, excuse me. 


SOUND: LILY RISES, HER FOOTSTEPS HURRY TO MATT


LILY: Matt, what are you doing here? Where's Ruth?


MATT: (DISGRUNTLED) She's at home and she can stay there for all I care.


LILY: Wha--? I don't understand. Matt, I don't like the look in your eye. What's come between you and Ruth?


MATT: Codfish cakes and boiled turnips. ...


OSCAR: (APPROACHES) Lily? Lily, what's the matter?


LILY: Matt, I don't understand. 


MATT: Well, it isn't important. 


LILY: Oscar, I've got to go home right away. You'll have to excuse me. 


OSCAR: Lily, I'm trying to say I've waited all my life--


LILY: Oscar, if you've waited all your life, another half hour won't make any difference. I've got to help my daughter.


MUSIC: TRANSITION 


RUTH: Mother, are you sure this will work?


LILY: Ruth dear, leave everything to me. It's my fault that you and Matt quarreled. But I had exactly the same trouble with your father. I remember the first week we were married, I made a pot roast for him.


RUTH: It was no good? 


LILY: He said the pot was more tender than the roast. ...


RUTH: Well, what did father say?


LILY: We ate at his mother's for the next three weeks. 


RUTH: Aww. But how did you get him back?


LILY: His mother was a very wise woman. She deliberately made one special meal -- and your father never mentioned her cooking again.


RUTH: And that's what you're making for Matt now? 


LILY: Yes. She gave me the recipe. It's called icebox stew. 


RUTH: Oh. What goes into it?


LILY: Well, you just empty the icebox, close your eyes, and stir. ... Now let me see what we have here. An old turkey neck, three frozen shrimps, a cup of horseradish, vinegar, can of maraschino cherries, and half a pomegranate.


MUSIC: TRANSITION 


SOUND: OFFICE PHONE BUZZES ... RECEIVER UP


MATT: (INTO PHONE) Henshaw speaking.


SECRETARY: (FILTER) Mr. Porter outside to see you.


MATT: Oh. Oh, send him in. 


SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN ... DOOR OPENS .. PETE'S FOOTSTEPS IN


PETE: Hi, Matt, what are we gonna eat tonight?


MATT: Got the greatest news for you, Pete. Ruth just called. Lily's cooking, so I'm eating at home again and you're invited.


PETE: Wow! Now you showed 'em who's boss.


MATT: Sure, and because Lily is being so nice to me, I'm repaying her.


PETE: Well, what do you mean?


MATT: Well, I've invited Oscar Primrose to dinner. ... What a surprise for Lily. He's a connoisseur of food and when he tastes Lily's cooking, I'm a vice president! (LAUGHS)


MUSIC: TRANSITION


RUTH: Mother, how can you tell when this icebox stew is done?


LILY: It's very simple, dear. You put a spoon in. If it turns black, it's done. ...


RUTH: Oh, here they are. (CALLS) Uh, is that you, Matt?


MATT: (OFF) Yup. Pete's with me. 


PETE: (APPROACHES) When do we eat?


MATT: Oh, man, am I hungry.


PETE: (AGREES) Oh.


MATT: Hey! Hey, it looks wonderful. What's in it?


RUTH: What isn't?


PETE: Hey, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.


LILY: You see, Ruth? I knew we forgot something.


RUTH: Oh. Look, uh, go into the living room, boys, and we'll call you when the table's set.


MATT: No-no-no, we can't wait. Can't we have a little taster now to tide us over, sort of a preview?


LILY: Well, uh--


RUTH: Go on, mother, he's asking for it. 


LILY: All right. Here, Matt, use this black spoon. And here's a spoon for you, Pete.


MATT: Mmmmm. (SNIFFS) Mmm, it smells so good. Uh, Ruth, I hope you have the recipe for this. 


RUTH: Oh, I'll never forget it. Go on, darling -- eat. You too, Pete. 


SOUND: MATT AND PETE EAT


RUTH: Well, how do you like it? 


MATT: It's-- (CHEWS) It's quaint. (HACKING COUGHS) It sort of takes your breath away. 


PETE: (HOARSELY) I'm waiting for mine to come back! ... I - I wonder if Oscar is gonna like this. 


RUTH: Oscar?


MATT: Yes, I didn't tell you. (COUGHS) It's a surprise. When I found out Lily was cooking tonight, I invited him for dinner.


RUTH: Oh, no! 


LILY: You invited Oscar?!


MATT: Sure. Lily, what are you doing throwing the dinner down the drain?


PETE: Don't stop her, Matt, don't stop her! ...


LILY: Oh, Matt, how could you invite Oscar here when--?


SOUND: DOORBELL RINGS


RUTH: Oh, that must be him now. (MOVING OFF) I'll go see.


LILY: Oh, what are we going to do?


MATT: Well, gee, Lily, I didn't know it'd put you in a spot. 


OSCAR: (APPROACHES) Well, well, there! That's where I like to be, in the kitchen. Best room in the house. Hello, Lily.


LILY: (STAMMERS) Good evening, Oscar.


OSCAR: I just can't wait to eat the meal you've cooked, Lily.


LILY: Well, there's been a mistake. We're going out for dinner.


OSCAR: Going out?


LILY: Mm hmm.


OSCAR: Oh ho, I should say not. That's ridiculous. You don't know it, but you're speaking to one of the best cooks there is. (LAUGHS) Hand me that apron, Lily.


LILY: Well, if you insist, Oscar.


OSCAR: Ah, I'm gonna make a dish for you that you'll never forget. It's my specialty. I discovered it in a little village in the Pyrenees. It's called Au la podidre Andalusian. You'll, uh, never run across this dish unless you go to the village.


LILY: Oh, it sounds fascinating. But what will you need?


OSCAR: Oh, well, let me see now, uh-- An old turkey neck, three frozen shrimps, cup of horseradish, vinegar, can of maraschino cherries, half a pomegranate, put the whole thing--


MUSIC: TOPS OSCAR FOR A CURTAIN ... THEN IN BG UNTIL END


SOUND: APPLAUSE


ANNOUNCER: DECEMBER BRIDE, starring Spring Byington, was created and directed by Parke Levy. Tonight's script was written by Phil Sharp and Bill Friedman and featured Hal March as Matt, Doris Singleton as Ruth, and Hans Conried as Pete. Others in the cast were Jim Backus as Oscar and Lou Krugman as the waiter. Bob LeMond speaking. Be sure to hear DECEMBER BRIDE next week at this same time.


SOUND: APPLAUSE


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