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Christmas Eve in Pine Ridge

Lum and Abner

Christmas Eve in Pine Ridge

Dec 24 1942





CAST:

ANNOUNCER

LUM

ABNER

NEWT

MIZ CLAYTON

GRANDPAP

CEDRIC


NOTE: This transcript includes material from published script in brackets.







[ANNCR: The makers of Alka-Seltzer bring you Lum and Abner.


(MUSIC: THEME)]


ANNCR: Merry Christmas, everyone, from Lum and Abner and their sponsors, the Miles Laboratories, makers of Alka-Seltzer and One-A-Day Brand Vitamin Tablets. At this time, we'd like to pause here for a moment to thank each and every one of you listeners for your many expressions of friendship and loyalty, your purchases of Alka-Seltzer and One-A-Day Vitamins, for your many letters telling us how much you enjoy these regular visits down in Pine Ridge. In turn, to show their appreciation to you, Lum and Abner have tried especially hard to add their bit to your day's pleasures by giving you a few moments of good, wholesome humor and homespun philosophy. It's our hope, then, that you'll continue to listen, and to enjoy. For our part, we'll try our best to make you glad you came.


Well, it's Christmas Eve in Pine Ridge now. As one glances down its quaint, darkened streets lined with snow-covered homes, lights twinkle forth from shuttered windows as on Christmastimes gone by. And within these homes, the spirit of Christmas shines brighter than ever, as these simple American folk sing "Peace on Earth, good will to men." Inside the Jot 'Em Down Store on this Christmas Eve, we find Lum and Abner winding up a very busy day.


Listen...


LUM: Well, ther you air, Newt. Will ther be ennything else now?


NEWT: No no, I reckon that's about all. Couldn't carry no more no ways.


LUM: No (CHUCKLES) No, not unless you got about three er four more arms.


NEWT: (CHUCKLES) How much does [all] that come to, Lum?


LUM: Uh, let's see here... six dollars an', er, ninety cents.


NEWT: Fair enough, fair enough... ther ya are...five, six-fifty, seventy-

five, eighty-five, ninety. Ther you air.


LUM: Yea. Much obliged to ye, Newt.


NEWT: You're welcome.


LUM: Say, here's a extry bag o' candy fer the youngins.


NEWT: Well, much obliged to ye... That's mighty thoughty of ye, Lum.


LUM: (CHUCKLES) Oh, not at tall. Say hello to the missus, and I hope you have a merry Christmas!


NEWT: (FADING) Thanks! An' the same to you...


ABNER: Yea, merry Christmas, Newt!


(SOUND: DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ... A LITTLE BELL ON THE DOOR RINGS WHENEVER IT OPENS OR SHUTS)


LUM: Oh, me... grannies, I'm wore to a frazzle... Wore to a FRAZ-ZULL...


ABNER: Doggies, me, too. Reckon it'll be all right, Lum, if I come down early in the mornin' an' finish puttin' up these orders?


(SOUND: TELEPHONE RINGS)


LUM: Yeah, they mostly groceries, ain't they?


ABNER: Yea, yea..


LUM: Well, the folks won't be needin' that stuff till tomorra no ways... I'll come down an' help ye in the mornin'.


ABNER: Well, good... good.


LUM: Better git the phone ther, that's our ring, I bleave.


ABNER: Oh... doggies, I hope it ain't another big order. (RECEIVER UP) HELLO, JOT 'EM DOWN STORE AN' LIBERRY, ABNER PEABODY DOIN' THE TALKIN'... MERRY CHRISTMAS... OH, WE BEEN BUSY, LIZABETH..... ALL RIGHT, I'LL START HOME RIGHT AWAY, JEST AS QUICK AS WE STRAIGHTEN THINGS UP A LITTLE BIT AROUND HERE... YEA, WELL, I'LL HURRY... WELL, HONEST I WILL... HA!... ALL RIGHT, HONEY... GOODBYE. (CLICK) Doggies, I bleave my womarn's mad at me. I orta been home a hour ago to deecorate the tree.


LUM: Oh. Well, I reckon we may as well close up ennyway. Hit's gittin' late, and besides, we're might nigh sold outa ever'thing.


ABNER: Yessir, they come near cleanin' us out today, you know it? (CHUCKLES)


LUM: Wellsir, I'll say one thing about the fokes.. in spite o' their rationin' and dimouts an' ever'thing, ever'body's doin' all they can to keep up the Christmas spirit.


ABNER: Oh, yea.


LUM: I like to see that, too, Abner, cause that's the kind of a spirit we need in times like these.


ABNER: Yea, yea, we shore do.. I doggies, jes' look at that toy counter ther.. ain't but 'bout a couple o' things... Wait a minit, look ther, Lum...


LUM: Huh?


ABNER: Ain't that a lecatric train in that box ther?


LUM: Why, shore.


ABNER: Well, I thought we sold that.


LUM: Well, we sold one... we had two in stock this year.


ABNER: Well, I never knowed that.


LUM: Oh yea, sold the other 'un to Walt Bates.


ABNER: Walt Bates? 


LUM: (CHUCKLES)


ABNER: Why, his youngins is a way yonder too young fer sompin' like that, ain't they?


LUM: Course they air, but jist twixt me an' you, I think Walt got it mainly fer hisself.


ABNER: (CHUCKLES) Fer the land sakes... growed-up man like him, he orta be 'shamed of hisself.


LUM: He'll more'n likely have it broke 'fore the youngins ever git a chance ta play with it. 


ABNER: (CHUCKLES) 


LUM: What he sees in a lecatric train, I'll never know.


ABNER: Me neither. I don't even know how the silly things work.


LUM: You don't?


ABNER: No.


LUM: They ain't much to it.. jist put the tracks together an' plug the cord in a socket sommers. You know, it might not be a had idy to look thissen over, Abner.. jes' to see that it's in good cun-dition.


ABNER: Yea, ort to find out if it'll run, I reckon..


LUM: I hate ta sell merchandise that's undefekative.


ABNER: Oh, me, too.. dissapint somebody.


LUM: Set the box down here on the floor an' let's glance at it.


(SOUND: PACKAGE SET DOWN AND UNWRAPPED DURING FOLLOWING--)


ABNER: Yea, yea.. Let's see, wherbouts is a good place to set this up, now? Right here all right, Lum?


LUM: Yea, that's good. Jes' enny place'll do. Open it up.. that's the stuff.


ABNER: Is they enny di-rections with it?


(SOUND: TELEPHONE RINGS)


LUM: I don't know.. won't need 'em, I don't think. Let's see now, first we gotta put the tracks together... You see these little wire things stickin' out here?..


ABNER: Wait a minit, that's our ring.. Must be Lizabeth.. You answer it, Lum.


LUM: Well, all right. You git to work on the track.


ABNER: Tell 'er I jes' left..


LUM: Heh! (RECEIVER UP) JOT 'EM DOWN STORE... MERRY CHRISTMAS... MUM? ... OH YEA, HE'S, UH.. HE'S JES' GITTIN' READY TA LEAVE FER HOME NOW, LIZABETH... YES MOM, I'LL TELL HIM TA HURRY... UH HUH... ALL RIGHT... GOODBYE. (CLICK) I bleave you better git right home, Abner.. Lizabeth sez all the relates air waitin' fer you.


ABNER: Yea, I'm goin' right away... am I doin' this all right, Lum?


LUM: No no, yer s'posed to make a kind of a circle out of 'em.


ABNER: Huh?


LUM: You've got them tracks runnin' ever' which-a-way. Here, let me show you.


ABNER: Yea, well, mebbe you better do that. I'll yell ya, I'll set up this depot here, an' I'll put this tunnel up... I'm more of a tunnel man, I bleave. (CHUCKLES)


LUM: (CHUCKLES) Better foller the di-rections on them, I don't want you to git that all mixed up, too.. Look here, you got some o' this track upside downards even.


ABNER: Well, fer the land sakes...


LUM: See, the train's gotta run on them little tracks.


ABNER: What's wrong with me..? I never noticed that..


LUM: You ain't a railroad man.


ABNER: I won't git it mixed up here, I'll watch this. Doggies, if a youngin puts these things together, I orta be able ta do it.. Oh, say, Lum, here's a letter that dropped outa yer pocket when you bent down ther jest a minit ago.


LUM: Huh? 


ABNER: Ain't that yers?


LUM: Oh, yeah, that come today. It's from a aunt of mine up in Wisconsin... you re-collect her.


ABNER: Aunt Minnie?


LUM: Aunt Minnie... (CHUCKLES)


ABNER: (CHUCKLES) Yea, she's the one that allus calls you her favor-ite nephew.


LUM: Yea, yea, that's the one. 


ABNER: Well--?


LUM: Hand me that piece o' track next to you ther.


ABNER: Oh, this'n here..yea.


LUM: She sent me some money an' tole me to buy myse'f a nice Christmas present with it.


ABNER: She did?


LUM: Yea.. that's the kinda aunt to have, ain't it?


ABNER: Well, bless her heart... BA-LESS HER LITTUL HEART..


LUM: Well, here's a piece of double track.. 


ABNER: Huh?


LUM: Must be a switchin' place er sompin'.


ABNER: Oh. So whatcha gonna buy yerse'f with the money, Lum?


LUM: Oh, I don't know.. hadn't thought much about it.. cain't think o' nuthin' I want hardly. 


ABNER: (CHUCKLES)


LUM: Grannies, they's more track here than I figgered they was. 


ABNER: It's a big outfit.


LUM: Might have to run this clean aroun' the pickle barrel.


ABNER: Doggies, that'll be a good place fer the tunnel, right ther... Bleave I'll put it over ther right now.


LUM: Yea... Say, Abner, speakin' about Christmas presents, I ain't got around to buyin' nuthin' fer you yit.


ABNER: Oh, well, I don't want nuthin', Lum.


LUM: Well, I wanna git you sompin', though. What would you like?


(SOUND: TELEPHONE RINGS)


ABNER: Law me, I don't know what I'd like.. jes' fergit it this year.


LUM: No. Now, I ain't gonna fergit it. You git the phone this time, Abner.


ABNER: Well, I cain't leave right now, Lum, this depot'll fall apart if I do..


LUM: Well, I cain't leave neither, I'm right in the middle o' sompin' here.


ABNER: Yea, more'n likely jes' Lizabeth ennyway, an' I cain't go right now...


(SOUND: DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ... MIZ CLAYTON'S DIALOGUE IS ALL FROM SLIGHTLY OFF MIKE)


LUM: Yea, more'n likely. Well... EVENIN', MIZ CLAYTON.


MIZ CLAYTON: Evenin', Lum.


LUM: Abner, git up an' wait on Miz Clayton.


ABNER: I cain't git up; you wait on 'er, Lum; yer closer'n I am.


LUM: Yea, but what I'm doin's more im-portant. Uh, JES' LOOK AROUN' THE STORE, MIZ CLAYTON.. TAKE YER TIME DEECIDIN' WHAT YOU WANT..


MIZ CLAYTON: Well, I know what I want. Some of these cranberries here, 'bout, uh, two pounds.


ABNER: WELL, LOOK 'EM OVER AN' SEE WHAT KIND YOU WANT.. hand me that screwdriver, Lum..


LUM: Yea.


MIZ CLAYTON: You've jest got one kind here... Leastways, that's all I can see.


ABNER: UH HUH... How's this lookin', Lum?


LUM: You got the depot kinda crooked ther, ain't ye?


MIZ CLAYTON: Air you fellers gonna sell me some cranberries er ain't ye?


LUM: JES' HEP YERSE'F THER, MIZ CLAYTON... TAKE WHAT YE WANT.


MIZ CLAYTON: But they ain't no sack here.


ABNER: UH HUH... Does that look better, Lum?


LUM: Yea... JES' LEAVE YER MONEY ON THE COUNTER, MIZ CLAYTON...


MIZ CLAYTON: (ANNOYED) Well, I bound you Mr. Huddleston can find time to wait on a customer...


(SOUND: DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)


LUM: Ther, that takes keer o' the tracks... Now, git out the cars and engine

now..


ABNER: Yea, I'm dyin' to see them... (CHUCKLES)


LUM: ENNYTHING ELSE YOU WANT, MIZ CLAYT--? Well, fer goodness sakes. She`s gone.


ABNER: Huh?


LUM: Reckon what made her run off an' leave thataway?


ABNER: I don't know, you never can tell about wimmin fokes... I doggies, Lum, looky here... Ther's a reg'lar little baggage car.. Lookit that!


LUM: Why, shore, they allus have them.


ABNER: Well, ain't that cute?


LUM: Here, hand all the cars to me an' I'll hook 'em up.


ABNER: Well, I orta have some o' the cars, ortent I?


LUM: No, now, I know more about this. 'Sides, you gotta take this cord an' plug it inta the light socket. That's one of the most im-portance jobs they is right ther.


ABNER: Hit tiz? I doggies, gimme that cord... hand it here, I'll fix it up..


(SOUND: DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)


GRPAP: Well, hidy hidy hidy hidy hidy!


ABNER: Well, hidy, Grandpap... merry Christmas!


LUM: Yea, merry Christmas!


ABNER: Is this socket all right right here, Lum?


LUM: Yea, that's fine, Abner..


GRPAP: You fellers got enny Christmas tree deecorations left?


LUM: Nossir, don't bleave we have, Grandpap. We ain't got none, have we, Abner?


ABNER: Yea, we got a few left... jes' some tinsel stuff over ther..


GRPAP: Wherbouts is it at? My specks is all steamed up and I cain't hardly see nuthin' hardly.


ABNER: Why, hit's in a box, uh, jes' south o' the depot ther, Grandpap.


GRPAP: South o' the depot?


ABNER: Yea. All right, Lum, I'm all set here with the switch now, you want me to turn it on?


LUM: Not yit, I gotta fix sompin' here first..


GRPAP: Did you say the depot, Abner?


ABNER: Yes, that's what I said..


GRPAP: Well, I ain't got time to go clean inta the county seat after deecorations, I want 'em tonight. This is Christmas Eve.


ABNER: I never said you had ta go to the county seat..


GRPAP: Yes, you did, you said depot.. I heared what you said.


ABNER: Well, the depot is right here.


GRPAP: Right here?


ABNER: Yessir.


GRPAP: Lissen, Abner Peabody, I've lived around these parts too many years fer you to tell me wher the depot's at.. a little dried-up varmint like you...


ABNER: Now don't start no fussin' around here, Grandpap. I meant the deecorations is right over ther in that box, right over ther..


LUM: Abner, don't let him walk ther, he's liable to ruin ever'thing.


ABNER: Oh, er, wait a minit, Grandpap, we ain't got no deecorations after all. You better go over to Dick Huddleston's store, I bleave.


GRPAP: (ANGRY) Yessir, you bet yer life I'm goin' over ther, and I ain't never goin' to come in here again neither! 


ABNER: (CHUCKLES)


GRPAP: If I live to be a hunderd an' ninety year old, I ain't never goin' to set a foot inside this.....


ABNER: Merry Christmas, Grandpap!


GRPAP: Merry Christmas! ....this consarn store as long as I live, I hate an' deespise it..


(SOUND: DOOR OPENS, SLAMS)


ABNER: You got it fixed yit, Lum?


LUM: Yea, I bleave so..


ABNER: I doggies, that Grandpap shore gits hissef upset over nuthin' at all, don't he? (LAUGHS) Mad enuf ta bite..


LUM: (LAUGHS) Yea, all right now, Abner, watch this.. I think this is the right button ta press.. here we go..


(SOUND: THE TRAIN)


ABNER: Oh, look at that... I doggies, look at 'er go... good fer the train... look at it go ther...


LUM: Cutest thing I ever seen... and look here, I kin make it go faster er slower, too. See this switch here..


ABNER: Well, I do know, what they won't think of-- Here, let me do that once, Lum.


LUM: No, now, yer liable ta break it er sompin'.


ABNER: I won't... lemme do it, jes' once...


LUM: No, now, I better be the engineer; I'm more ex-perienced, I bleave..


ABNER: I'm jest as ex-perienced as you air, now, Lum, let me work that one time..


(SOUND: DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)


CEDRIC: Wonderful world an' merry Christmas!


ABNER: Oh! Well, merry Christmas, Cedric.. we're busy now, Cedric.


CEDRIC: Yes mom, I jes' come in ta buy papa a present. You fellers got enny sug-gestions?


ABNER: No, we ain't, Cedric. What'd you give him last year?


CEDRIC: Oh, let's see... last year I give him two packages o' BB's fer my BB gun...


ABNER: Well, that wuz nice.. Come on now, Lum, let me run it one time..


CEDRIC: Oh, boy, iz this a lecatric train?


ABNER: Uh huh.


CEDRIC: Oh, that's it right ther..! That's what I'm gonna buy my papa.. wrop it up fer me, I'll take it..


ABNER: WROP IT UP?! Well, you don't wanna buy this, Cedric..


LUM: Course not, Cedric, this ain't a very goodern, I don't think..


ABNER: Oh no, it's no good at tall, Cedric..


CEDRIC: I don't care, I don't care... I want it ennyways, wrop it up.


ABNER: Well, now, wait a minit, Cedric, git away from that now... That's done been sold. That's what, yes. It's done been sold.


CEDRIC: Who bought it?


ABNER: Oh, some feller.


CEDRIC: (DISAPPOINTED) Oh, shucks.. who wuz it?


ABNER: I don't know, he was in a awful hurry.


CEDRIC: Uh, wha.. what did he look like?


ABNER: Cedric, I don't know... I couldn't tell.. Let me play with that now, Lum..


CEDRIC: Buhhhhhhh, why couldn't you? The lights was on, wasn't they?


ABNER: Yea, I couldn't see hiz face, Cedric.. Uh, he hadda mask on, I think..


CEDRIC: A mask? 


ABNER: Yea, yea.


CEDRIC: Was it the Lone Ranger, was it?


ABNER: Mighta been, I don't know..


CEDRIC: Oh, goody! Which way did he go?


ABNER: Uh, south, I bleave hit wuz.


CEDRIC: South, huh? 


ABNER: Yea.


CEDRIC: Boy, I've allus wanted ta git a look at the Lone Ranger.. I'll see you fellers later... merry Christmas!


ABNER: Yea, merry Christmas, Cedric! 


(SOUND: DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) 


ABNER: Now, Lum, let me run the train now, you been doin' it fer a half hour now..


(SOUND: TELEPHONE RINGS)


LUM: It ain't been that long..


ABNER: It has done it.


LUM: 'Sides, I'm jes' tryin' ta check ever'thing to see if hit's in good workin' cun-dition.


ABNER: Well, I'll check it fer ye..


LUM: Wait a minit, ther went the phone again... 


ABNER: Oh, my--


LUM: More'n likely Lizabeth.. Now you better git on home 'fore you git in trouble.


ABNER: Well, air you goin' home, too?


LUM: Welllll..... not right away.. I'll straighten things up around here first.


ABNER: I doggies, I'm goin' to stay, too, then.


LUM: No, now hit's Christmas Eve, Abner, and yer fokes air waitin' fer ye ta deecorate that tree.


ABNER: Uh, Lum... Lum, do you still wanna git me a Christmas present?


LUM: Why, shore I do. Natural.


ABNER: Well, I've jes' deecided what I want.. that lecatric train, that's what I want you to git me..


LUM: Oh grannies, that's a shame, Abner...


ABNER: Huh?


LUM: Hit's jes' been sold.


ABNER: Sold?! Why, the-- (CHUCKLES) Oh, I wuz jes' foolin' Cedric when I said that, Lum.


LUM: I know, but it's actual been sold.


ABNER: Who bought it?


LUM: Oh, a lady.


ABNER: What lady?


LUM: Er, a lady that lives up in Wisconsin... she jes' now bought it fer her favor-ite nephew ......


ANNCR: Well, it looks as though Lum is going to have a very merry Christmas this year, doesn't it? And folks, may this be a very merry Christmas for you. May the spirit of Christmas and the hope it brings for peace and good will among men remain with you always. May the years which lay ahead be good to you and yours. This is the Christmas wish for you from Lum and Abner, their sponsors, the Miles Laboratories, makers of Alka-Seltzer and One-A-Day Brand Vitamin Tablets, and from your announcer, Lou Crosby.


[MUSIC: THEME]


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