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Cassidy and the Devil

The Columbia Workshop

Cassidy and the Devil

Jan 12 1941



CAST:

ANNOUNCER

MIKE, the bartender; irascible

CUSTOMER, in bar

PATRICK CASSIDY, smooth-talking Irishman

KATE, Cassidy's wife

ST. PATRICK, feeble at first, then stentorian

NICK, the devil himself, Nicholas Brimstone; not Irish

WOMAN (2 lines)

BUTLER (2 lines)

ASSISTANT, to the devil; not Irish

GATEKEEPER, of Heaven; not Irish (3 lines)

and a CROWD or two




ANNOUNCER: The Columbia Workshop presents "Cassidy and the Devil" with Walter Kinsella as Cassidy. Tonight's Workshop drama, a story based on an Irish legend, is by Basil Heatter, a young writer represented for the first time on this series. The production is directed by Guy della Cioppa. "Cassidy and the Devil" by Basil Heatter.


MUSIC: BREEZY INTRODUCTION ... VERY IRISH ... THEN MORE GRIM BEHIND ANNOUNCER--


ANNOUNCER: It is a bitterly cold midwinter night. New York's streets are deserted and ghostly. In a dimly lit alley, huddled at the foot of a gigantic bridge that rears its steel cables into the darkness, is a comforting little square of yellow light shining from the doorway of Mike O'Ryan's Bar and Café.


SOUND: BAR BACKGROUND ... PIANO PLAYS, CUSTOMERS MURMUR


ANNOUNCER: Mike's regular customers are grouped cozily along the bar.


SOUND: THE REGULARS AT THE BAR ERUPT WITH HEARTY LAUGHTER


CUSTOMER: (ADMIRING, BUT SKEPTICAL) Ah, what a story you tell, Michael!


MIKE: But it's true! Even if he is a city fella from Dublin and better acquainted with a chimney pot than with all the hills and lakes and rollin' meadows of Killarney. Anyhow, to make the story short--


SOUND: DOOR BANGS OPEN ... POWERFUL WIND HOWLS


MIKE: (ANNOYED) Here! Shut that door there, mister!


SOUND: DOOR SHUTS ... WIND OUT


MIKE: Sure, it's enough to freeze the blood in our veins, holdin' the door open on a night like this!


CASSIDY: (APPROACHES) I - I - I'm sorry, gentlemen. It was the cruel wind itself that whipped it out of me fingers.


MIKE: (DISMISSIVE) Ah.


CASSIDY: Ah, but it's a nice place you have here; so warm and friendly. I wonder, was there ever a prettier sight? A cozy bar, the lovely bottles shinin' in rows, and a group of friendly fellas gathered 'round.


MIKE: (IMPATIENT) Well, what'll it be, mister?


CASSIDY: Well, now, I think a nip of the regular would be the best thing for warmin' the blood on a night like this. (HESITANT) Er, how much is it?


MIKE: It'll be twenty-five cents.


CASSIDY: Mmm, twenty-five cents. Have you none a little less expensive?


MIKE: I have not! There's only the good wholesome Irish [stock] served here; none of your cheap fifteen-cent brews.


CASSIDY: Then 'tis myself will have to go cold, for, faith, I've not a penny in my pockets. I, er, don't suppose -- seein' as how it's such a bitter cold night -- you could see your way clear to letting me have one on account.


MIKE: I could not!


CASSIDY: You couldn't.


MIKE: I've never set eyes on you before. Why should I do any such thing?


CASSIDY: Ah, to be truthful with you, there's no reason at all. But I tell you what I'll do. Set me up for one, and I'll tell you the most marvelous, the strangest and creepiest story that ever your ears have heard. Will you do that, man, now? Sure an' it's like nothing you've ever listened to before.


MIKE: (IRRITATED) It's not your stories I'll accept but your cash! If you've not got that, then out with ye! Come on, now -- out!


SOUND: PIANO STOPS PLAYING, CUSTOMERS FALL SILENT BEHIND--


CUSTOMER: (DIPLOMATIC) Easy does it there now, Michael. Maybe the fella has a story worth hearin'. Anyhow, it's worth twenty-five cents of my money to find out.


SOUND: CLINK AND RATTLE! OF COIN ON COUNTERTOP


CUSTOMER: (TO CASSIDY) And you, stranger -- down your grog and talk away. And make it good.


CASSIDY: Thank you, sir! Thank you! You're a gentleman that does all Ireland proud.


SOUND: DRINK SERVED


MIKE: (GRUDGING) There ya are.


CASSIDY: (DRINKS, EXHALES) Ahhh! That's better. (NARRATES) Well, now, to start with, this story begins a long, long time ago back in the old country, and it's all about a fella named Patrick Cassidy, which is none other than meself. I was a lazy loud-mouthèd rascal -- a blacksmith by trade -- and I had a little house, and I had a little wife, and we had our little quarrels.


SOUND: SCENE FADES OUT AND FADES IN ON CASSIDY AND HIS WIFE QUARRELING ... KATE HURLS DINNERWARE AT CASSIDY ... SMASH! CRASH! OF BROKEN PLATES ... THEN IN BG


KATE: You brute! You beast!


CASSIDY: Here now! Here now! Steady on! There won't be a plate left to eat on!


KATE: You villain! You ruffian!


CASSIDY: Ah, so it's throwin' ye want, is it? Very well! Two can play at that game, my pretty!


SOUND: CASSIDY HURLS PLATES AT KATE ... SMASH! CRASH! 


KATE: (SHRIEKS) You wife beater! You scoundrel!


SOUND: KATE'S HURRIED STEPS THROUGH BEDROOM DOOR, WHICH SLAMS SHUT AND LOCKS


CASSIDY: Ah, so you've had enough, eh? You run into the bedroom and lock the door. Very well, my pretty -- my little dove, my sweet affectionate little wife.


SOUND: KNOCK AT FRONT DOOR


CASSIDY: (LOW, TO HIMSELF) Whist? There's someone at the front door. Who could that be now?


SOUND: KNOCK AT FRONT DOOR


CASSIDY: (CALLS) Ho, there! Who is it?!


PATRICK: (BEHIND DOOR, WEAKLY) It is a lonely traveler seeking shelter.


CASSIDY: Oh, by my blood, you've come to the right place. Here's shelter a-plenty and company the best. (CHUCKLES)


SOUND: FRONT DOOR OPENS


CASSIDY: Step in, now. Come in, come in. Let's have a look at you.


SOUND: FRONT DOOR CLOSES BEHIND--


CASSIDY: I would not bother you this way, but I'm a-weary from much travelin'.


CASSIDY: Ah, sure, man. Here, sit down and rest your feet. 


PATRICK: (SITS, EXHALES WEARILY)


CASSIDY: As one beggar to another, I would offer you the hospitality of the house, but the cupboard's as bare as Bald Crowley's head.


PATRICK: Ah, have ye nothing at all, then? As you can see, I'm a feeble old man and faint from hunger.


CASSIDY: Aye, 'tis a skinny old thing you are. (MOVING OFF) Well, maybe there's a bit of bacon the rats left behind.


SOUND: CASSIDY'S STEPS TO CUPBOARD DOOR, WHICH OPENS


CASSIDY: (RETURNING) Ah, there we are -- a rind of moldy old bacon and a crust of dry bread. It's the best the house affords.


PATRICK: (WITH DISTASTE) Hmmm.


CASSIDY: Well, if it's not to your likin', speak up and I'll have it myself.


PATRICK: Oh, no, no. Give it here. I'll eat it. (EATS, GROANS) So this would have been your supper, eh?


CASSIDY: It would that. As a matter of fact, the old lady and meself were just havin' a bit of a discussion over it. A friendly little argument, you might say. Tell me, do you think it's decent for a husband and wife to be apt to having these little "tiffs," like?


PATRICK: Indeed, I do not. But 'tis a privilege few married couples would deny themselves. Ah, there now. It's much better I'm feelin' after the bit of supper. And I'll show you I'm not ungrateful.


CASSIDY: (AMUSED) Well, not ungrateful, indeed! But what can an old beggar be doin' for the likes of me? (LAUGHS)


PATRICK: (NO LONGER WEAK; SUDDENLY A BOOMING ECHOING VOICE) Patrick Cassidy!


CASSIDY: Wha--? Who's that? Who called me by name?


PATRICK: I called ye, Patrick Cassidy! Look at me now and pay attention to what I say!


CASSIDY: Is it you, old man? Surely 'tis a great change in your voice. And 'tis a grand and mighty sound to be comin' from such a skinny little body. (WITH SURPRISE) Whist now! But even that's changin'. All of a sudden you appear to be nine feet tall, and surely there's a wonderful bright light all around you.


PATRICK: Patrick Cassidy, do you not know me?!


CASSIDY: Indeed, your worship, I do not. But if it's the little crust of bread and a bit of bacon that's made such a difference in you, why, then, I'm wondering what a full meal would do.


PATRICK: Patrick Cassidy, shut your mouth and listen to me! Know then, little man, I am no ordinary mortal! There stands before you none other than St. Patrick himself!


CASSIDY: (GASPS) Oh, my goodness. Sure and is it really you, your worship?


PATRICK: It is indeed! 


CASSIDY: And have you come back to chase the snakes out of Ireland again, your lordship?


PATRICK: Be quiet now! And listen to me. Long ago I made a vow that someday I would return to Ireland in the shape of a poor old man, and the first person I met who was kind to me, I would reward with any three wishes he desired.


CASSIDY: Ah, three wishes.


PATRICK: In truth, Patrick Cassidy, it is a strange thing that you should be that person, for everyone knows what a villainous-hearted rascal you are. But when you gave me your supper, you earned the reward. So speak up now for your three wishes and be quick about it, for I've no time to waste.


CASSIDY: Three wishes? Well, now, your honor, could you not make it four? After all, it was a good bit of bacon and--


PATRICK: (INTERRUPTS) Three wishes, I said! Hurry now. Be quick about it or you'll have none at all.


CASSIDY: All right. All right, your lordship. Three wishes. Now, uh, let me see now, uh-- Well now, first, your worship, there's the big sledgehammer in my blacksmith shop. I wish you to put a charm on it so that if anyone picks it up and begins to hammer, they may not put it down again until I give them leave.


PATRICK: Granted!


CASSIDY: Granted. Ah - ah, then there's the old rocking chair here. I, uh, wish you to lay a charm on it so that if anyone sits down and begins to rock, they may not get up again until I give them leave.


PATRICK: Granted!


CASSIDY: And, um, now for Number Three, your lordship. Uh, let me see now, let me see, uh-- Oh, we - we come to me old purse. I wish for you to put a charm on my purse so that if anything gets into it, it may not come out again until I give it leave, and that'll be twenty--


PATRICK: Granted!


CASSIDY: But, your honor, I - I - I was just about to get around to what goes into the purse. Could you not spare me a few thousand pounds for it?


PATRICK: Indeed, I could not!


CASSIDY: Ah, you could not.


PATRICK: You've had your three wishes, and now you must abide with them! Goodbye, Patrick Cassidy. (FADES OUT) Goodbye, Patrick Cassidy--


SOUND: DURING ABOVE, A KIND OF SLOW SLIDE WHISTLE EFFECT FOR ST. PATRICK'S DEPARTURE


MUSIC: ACCENT ... THEN IN BG


CASSIDY: (TO HIMSELF) Sure and he's faded away before my very eyes, and me without a penny more than I had when he came. (MERRILY) Ah, but anyway, I've got me three wishes, and I'm thinkin' someday maybe they'll come in handy! (LAUGHS HEARTILY)


MUSIC: UP, FOR TRANSITION ... THEN OUT 


CASSIDY: (NARRATES, MATTER-OF-FACT) And so, gentlemen, that's how it was. I had a visit from the great St. Patrick himself, and he give me any three wishes. But there wasn't a bit of good I'd be gettin' out of them so far as I could see. After that, things went from bad to worse. The cupboard got to the point where even the mice were movin' out. As for me wife Kate-- Why, she, good woman that she was, couldn't put up with the sight of me any longer. One fine day, I drove her to such exasperation that she shouted out--


KATE: Oh, the devil take you, Patrick Cassidy! The devil take you!


SOUND: OMINOUS RUMBLE ... FOR THE DEVIL'S ARRIVAL


NICK: (CHARMINGLY SINISTER) I'll be delighted to, ma'am.


CASSIDY: Well? And who may you be?


NICK: Your wife mentioned me just now.


KATE: Sure, I did not.


CASSIDY: Oh, a friend of my wife, is it? Well, you're no friend of mine. Out with you!


NICK: Now, then, Mr. Cassidy, let's not quibble. How would you like to take a little journey with me? I have in mind a bit of traveling I think would suit you fine.


CASSIDY: I'll go on no journey with the likes of you until I know your business! Come on, speak up now, man. How did you get in here so sudden? What is your name?


NICK: Nicholas, sir. Nicholas Brimstone.


KATE: (BEAT, QUIETLY DISMAYED) Nicholas Brimstone? Oh, Pat, it's--!


CASSIDY: (GASPS) Oh, my. Is it the Old Nick himself?


NICK: At your service, sir.


CASSIDY: Well, the divil take me.


NICK: That's just what I intend doing, Mr. Cassidy.


CASSIDY: Oh, sure an' I thought there was a bit of a funny smell about you. No offense meant, you understand. But, faith, you do give the effect of a package of matches left out in the rain.


NICK: Yes, you're quite right, Mr. Cassidy. There's an uncommonly large amount of sulfur where I come from, and it does provide a rather unpleasant odor. It's an unfortunate social handicap which I -- heh! -- I've never been able to overcome.


CASSIDY: Mmm, I thought as much.


NICK: But I fancy that after we've spent some time together - (CHUCKLES) - you'll soon become accustomed to it.


CASSIDY: Well, be that as it may, I'll just get to the windward of ya for the time being. (BEAT) There. That's better. So, Nicholas, you want me to go away with you, you say?


NICK: At your wife's suggestion, sir -- of course.


KATE: (WORRIED) Now, look here, Mr. Brimstone, I didn't mean--


CASSIDY: Don't be interferin', Katie. This is interestin'. Now, uh, tell me, Nick. Have you those plain and fancy entertainments for your guests I hear so much about? The burnin' pitch, the red-hot pokers, the boiling oil?


NICK: Oh, yes, we still have the old standbys. But there are also some new improvements I am very anxious to have you see.


CASSIDY: Come, come. Come now, Nick. Come on, come on. You may take me for a blackguard, but never for a fool. Why should I go 'long with you now? Sure an' the Cassidys are the longest-livin' family in all Ireland.


NICK: Frankly, Mr. Cassidy, I just can't wait until you die. Your conduct is the scandal of the whole country, and all the members of my little fraternity are looking forward with great eagerness to the pleasure of having you among us.


CASSIDY: Oh, they are, are they?


NICK: Yes, indeed. Why, we've even gone to the expense of installing a new heating system - for your special benefit.


CASSIDY: Very well then, Nick. Since you desire the pleasure of my company so much, you must pay for it.


NICK: (PLEASED) Oh, Mr. Cassidy, you speak in the tone of a business man. Er, but what is your proposition?


CASSIDY: I'll make a deal with you. Give me fifty thousand pounds in cash, and seven years' time, and when the seven years are up, I'll go along with you willingly.


NICK: Hmm, fifty thousand pounds?


CASSIDY: Fifty thousand pounds.


NICK: Seven years' time?


CASSIDY: Seven years' time.


NICK: Oh, well, very well, Mr. Cassidy; it's a deal.


CASSIDY: And I want good solid cash -- now. None of your checkbooks for me!


NICK: No sooner said than done.


SOUND: CLATTER! OF COINS RAINING DOWN ON THE FLOOR


CASSIDY: (ECSTATIC) Oh, my goodness! Careful now; careful! They're rollin' under the table! Ah, the beauties! The darlin's! What a pretty sight they make!


NICK: (HAPPY) Seven years, Mr. Cassidy. Seven years to the day! (FADES OUT) I'll be back, Mr. Cassidy. I'll be back.


SOUND: OMINOUS RUMBLE AND SWOOSH! ... FOR THE DEVIL'S DEPARTURE


MUSIC: BRIEF TRANSITION ... SEGUES TO FESTIVE IRISH TUNE, WHICH CONTINUES IN BG


SOUND: PARTY BACKGROUND ... CASSIDY'S DRUNKEN GUESTS LAUGH BOISTEROUSLY


WOMAN: (LAUGHS) Ah, Mr. Cassidy, it's a delightful party, indeed!


CASSIDY: (JOVIAL) Sure an' why not? Don't everybody say that Pat Cassidy gives the finest parties in all Ireland?! 


WOMAN: It's true that.


CASSIDY: Sure an' over there, there's a duke. And there's a baron. And there's three duchesses in the garden. (CALLS) Butler! Bring another dozen cases of champagne! 


BUTLER: (OFF) All right, sir!


CASSIDY: Open up another barrel of caviar! 


BUTLER: (OFF) Yes, sir!


CASSIDY: (TO ALL) Sure an' is it not the grand party? Did you ever see the likes? Laugh and be merry, everybody! For sure who knows if there'll ever be another!


MUSIC: FESTIVE IRISH TUNE ... UP, FOR TRANSITION ... THEN FADES OUT


SOUND: TRANSITIONAL PAUSE


CASSIDY: (NARRATES, RUEFUL) And so, gentlemen, that's how it was. Ol' Nicholas Brimstone left me a beautiful shinin' fortune of fifty thousand pounds in hard cash. And in three months' time I was the most popular man in all Ireland. In six months' time I was associatin' with kings. And a year later -- hm! -- I hadn't a penny to my name. Sure an' I blew through that tremendous fortune like you'd go through an old paper bag. And at the end of the year, me and the old girl had to go back to the blacksmith shop. And I took to poundin' horseshoes again for a crust of bread and a bit of bacon. And one day I was standin' there in my shop when all of a sudden-- (FADES OUT)


SOUND: OMINOUS RUMBLE ... FOR THE DEVIL'S ARRIVAL


NICK: (WITH RELISH) Good afternoon, Mr. Cassidy.


CASSIDY: (STARTLED EXCLAMATIONS) My, my, my, but you gave me a start. Sure, it's a nasty habit you have, Nick, of poppin' in out of nowhere like that. (GOOD-NATURED) But anyway, good day to you. And what brings you to these parts?


NICK: Seven years, Mr. Cassidy. The seven years are up.


CASSIDY: Ah, sure an' you do speak in riddles. Explain yourself, Nick. And, er, by the way, I dislike to bring it up, but that smell of burnin' sulfur is worse than ever. Is there nothin' you can do for it?


NICK: Mr. Cassidy, we made a bargain. Fifty thousand pounds and seven years' time. Today is the end of the seventh year. Your time is up, Mr. Cassidy.


CASSIDY: Sure, it's a divilish manner you have. Very well then, Nick. Since you insist on the pleasure of my company, I'll go along with you. I'll, er, just go into the house first and say goodbye to the old woman. And - and by the way, Nick, I hate to leave a job of work undone. Here's this horseshoe only half-finished. Pick up the hammer now and straighten it out while I'm gone. Go on, Nick; be a good fella. Give it a whack.


NICK: (INDULGENT) All right, Mr. Cassidy. Since you go with me so willingly, I'll help you with the shoe.


SOUND: MODERATELY FAST WHACK-WHACK-WHACK! OF HAMMER ON ANVIL ... CONTINUES IN BG


NICK: (EXHALES WITH SATISFACTION) Is this right, Mr. Cassidy?


CASSIDY: (JOYOUS) Aha! That's it, Nick. Just hammer away at it. Keep a-hammerin'! (LAUGHS HEARTILY, MOVES OFF)


MUSIC: PICKS UP RHYTHM OF HAMMERING ... TRANSITION ... INDICATES LENGTHY PASSAGE OF TIME ... RHYTHM SLOWS, THEN FADES OUT IN SYNC WITH--


SOUND: SLOW WHACK-WHACK-WHACK! OF HAMMER ON ANVIL ... CONTINUES IN BG


NICK: (EXHALES WEARILY WITH EVERY FEW HAMMER BLOWS; MISERABLY) Mr. Cassidy? Oh, Mr. Cassidy--? Where are you?


SOUND: SHOP DOOR OPENS


CASSIDY: (APPROACHES, MERRILY) Well, well, well! It's a fine job you're doin', Nick.


NICK: So you're here at last. Where have you been the last few months?


CASSIDY: On a little tour of the country, Nick. Sure an' I've always maintained a man should travel before he gets too old to enjoy it.


NICK: Ohhh-- Have mercy on me, Pat.


CASSIDY: Ah, sure an' you're a mighty workman, Nick. The anvil's half worn through. Why don't you put the hammer down?


NICK: Have pity on an old devil, Pat. If you keep me at it much longer, it'll be the death of me.


CASSIDY: Well now, Nick, I'm not a hard man. I'm willing to listen to reason.


NICK: Tell me what you want, Pat -- quickly.


CASSIDY: The same deal over again -- another seven years and another fifty thousand pounds.


NICK: Oh, done, Pat; done. Only let me drop the hammer.


CASSIDY: Very well then, Nick, I take away the charm. You may stop your hammerin'.


SOUND: HAMMERING STOPS


NICK: (SIGHS WITH GREAT RELIEF)


CASSIDY: Now leave the money on the floor!


SOUND: CLATTER! OF COINS RAINING DOWN ON THE FLOOR


CASSIDY: And be off with you before I set you to work again!


SOUND: OMINOUS RUMBLE AND SWOOSH! ... FOR THE DEVIL'S DEPARTURE


MUSIC: BRIEF TRANSITION ... THEN OUT


CASSIDY: (NARRATES) So that's how I gave the divil the bad end of a good bargain. And I took my cash and I went to Dublin. And I bought a fine house. And again I gave me great and glorious parties. Oh, what a time we had. And sure enough, the same thing happened all over again. I went through my fifty thousand pounds in one stupendous bust, and at the end of the year I hadn't a shilling left to my name. And I had to give the fine house to my creditors. And me and the old girl went back to the blacksmith shop. And one fine day I was standin' by the forge, wishin' for a bit of somethin' solid to put in me stomach, when all of a sudden--


SOUND: OMINOUS RUMBLE ... FOR THE DEVIL'S ARRIVAL


NICK: (POLITE) Good day to you, Pat.


CASSIDY: (GOOD-NATURED) Well, if it isn't the Old Nick himself. Come back for another bit of hammerin', have you?


NICK: (ALL BUSINESS) Indeed, I have not! I have come for you, Mr. Cassidy. Your seven years are up and you'll not trick me with that hammer again. Come, come, now -- get ready. This time it's my turn, Mr. Cassidy.


CASSIDY: Aye, Nick. I guess you've got me right enough. I'll just go into the house and say goodbye to the old woman.


NICK: Oh, no, Mr. Cassidy; I don't trust you. I'll not let you out of my sight again.


CASSIDY: Aw, sure, Nick, and how could you suspect a poor decent man like myself? However, since this is the distrustful tetch you have, why, then come along with me and see for yourself.


SOUND: THEIR STEPS TO DOOR, WHICH OPENS ... THEN CLOSES BEHIND--


CASSIDY: Katie? You remember Mr. Brimstone? Him with the peculiar odor?


KATE: Sure and I do. How are ya, Mr. Brimstone?


CASSIDY: I'll just be a minute now, Nick, packin' up my things, but while I'm about it, make yourself comfortable. Sit down in the grand rocking chair there, Nick.


NICK: All right. But you be quick. I have no time to waste.


SOUND: CREAK! OF ROCKING CHAIR ... CONTINUES IN BG


CASSIDY: Is it not the lovely chair itself, Nick? Did you ever in all your life sit in anything more comfortable?


SOUND: CREAK! OF ROCKING CHAIR ... FILLS A PAUSE ... NICK TRIES TO RISE, BUT CANNOT ... ROCKING CONTINUES IN BG


CASSIDY: What is it, Nick? Sure an' you've got the funny look itself on your face. What's botherin' you, Nicholas old friend?


NICK: (UNCOMFORTABLE) I, er-- I don't seem to be able to, uh -- to get up out of the chair.


CASSIDY: Is it the truth you're tellin' me, Mr. Brimstone? Sure an' that's a queer thing altogether, isn't it?


NICK: (MISERABLY) Ohhh, you've tricked me again, Mr. Cassidy. You haven't played fair with me.


CASSIDY: Ah, those are unkind words, Nick. Sure an' all I did was ask you to sit down. Is it my fault if you can't get up again? (CALLS) Katie? Heat up those tongs in the fireplace.


KATE: (MOVING OFF) All right, Pat me darlin'.


NICK: (WITH DREAD) Tongs? What are you going to do, Mr. Cassidy?


CASSIDY: Nicholas, I'm going to do you a favor. I'm goin' to change the shape of your features for ya. Sure an' it's your nose in particular that bothers me most.


NICK: (GROANS) Ohhh--


CASSIDY: The dear thing isn't long enough, Nick. I'm goin' to give it a bit of stretchin' for you.


NICK: Oh, no. No, no, please, Pat. Don't do anything rash. Leave my nose alone. Why, I like the shape of it as it is.


CASSIDY: Ah, but I'm gonna teach you a real lesson, Nick. Sure an' I'm goin' to make a rare beauty of you. I'll give you a nose, Nick -- and what a nose!


KATE: (APPROACHES) Here they are, Pat. Nice and rosy red.


CASSIDY: Ah, good and hot, are they, Kate?


SOUND: CLANK! OF METAL TONGS ... IN AGREEMENT WITH FOLLOWING--


CASSIDY: Ah, that's it. Give them here. You're goin' to thank me for this, Nick. Now then!


SOUND: CLANK! OF METAL TONGS ... HISS! OF BURNING NOSE


NICK: (HOLLERS IN PAIN)


CASSIDY: Ahhhh, 'tis a fine set of eyes you have, Nick, and it's a beautiful nose you're gettin'. Sure an' the darlin' thing stretches like a piece of soft wax!


NICK: (GROANS, FORCED CHEERFULNESS) You're a fine fellow, Pat. And you will have your little joke, too. (CHUCKLES FEEBLY)


CASSIDY: You know, it just occurred to me what a fine weathercock it would make. Kate? Get up on the roof there and grab hold of the tongs.


KATE: (MOVING OFF) All right, Pat.


SOUND: KATE'S STEPS OUT DOOR ... SHE CLIMBS UP ON ROOF


CASSIDY: Faith, and I'm goin' to stretch your nose up the chimney, Nick, and put the darlin' thing out in the open air where all the neighbors can admire it. And there won't be one of them but will agree that it's the finest weathercock in all Ireland!


NICK: Awww, now-now-now, Pat-- It's very decent of you to go to all this trouble, Pat, but really I'd prefer it a few sizes smaller. 


CASSIDY: (CALLS) Are you up there, Kate?!


KATE: (OFF) I'm here, Pat!


CASSIDY: (CALLS) Now, get a good hold on the tongs! (BEAT) All right now! Pull!


SOUND: CRACKLING STRETCH! OF NOSE


NICK: (A LENGTHY HOLLER OF PAIN) Ohhhhhhhh!


CASSIDY: Ah, that's fine. Sure an' if you could only see your beautiful nose, Nick, stickin' up in the air as noble as a flag pole. (CALLS) Here, Katie! Put this old derby hat on top of it and tell me which way the wind is blowin'!


NICK: (MISERABLY) Oh, Pat. Have mercy, Pat. What do you want of me?


CASSIDY: The same thing, Mr. Brimstone -- fifty thousand pounds and another seven years.


NICK: Done, Pat; done. And there's your money.


SOUND: CLATTER! OF COINS RAINING DOWN ON THE FLOOR


NICK: Now let me out of here!


CASSIDY: Very well, Nick. I give you leave to get up out of the chair.


SOUND: ROCKING CHAIR OUT ... OMINOUS RUMBLE AND SWOOSH! ... FOR THE DEVIL'S DEPARTURE


CASSIDY: (TO HIMSELF) Whist! Look at him run away. Faith an' he's always in a hurry, that one. Sure an' I thought he might stay for a cup of tea! (LAUGHS HEARTILY)


MUSIC: SNEAKS IN DURING ABOVE ... THEN UP FOR TRANSITION ... THEN OUT 


CASSIDY: (NARRATES) So, gentlemen, that's how it was. I got me another seven years of grace and another fifty thousand pounds. And by this time I was such an expert at goin' through a fortune that in ten months' time me and the old lady had spent the whole thing and hadn't a ha'penny left to split between us. So we had to go back to the dirty old shop again. Ah, but I didn't regret it, gentlemen. No, not one bit. There was only one thing that bothered me, though. That was Old Nick. I figured this time he'd be bound to get his revenge. And I wondered what fine scheme he and his divils were cookin' up down there in the regions below. (FADES OUT)


MUSIC: FOR HELL ... NOT TOO OMINOUS; PLAYFULLY MACABRE ... THEN IN BG


SOUND: CRACKLE! OF HELLFIRE ... THEN FADES OUT DURING FOLLOWING--


NICK: (LAUGHS WITH EVIL GLEE) Ah, fine. That's fine! Keep the fires good and hot. This time I hope to have more success with our friend, Pat Cassidy.


ASSISTANT: You - you've got to trick him, Chief. Why don't you disguise yourself? 


NICK: Eh?


ASSISTANT: He'll be bound to fall for that, and - and then you'll catch him.


NICK: I wonder. He's a very clever man. And a very wicked one.


ASSISTANT: The thing that interests him most is money, Chief.


NICK: Yes?


ASSISTANT: Think of something that has to do with money.


NICK: Say, that's a good idea! I'll disguise myself as a half crown -- and lay down on the table right in front of him!


ASSISTANT: (CHUCKLES)


NICK: And then when he picks me up and puts me in his pocket, I'll leap out and say, "Patrick Cassidy, come with me!"


ASSISTANT: Ha ha! That's wonderful, Chief! He's bound to. You'll get him sure this time.


NICK: And remember, I want more coal put on the fires. I want it especially hot here when I get back! Yes, sir! I'm planning a very warm welcome for our friend, Mr. Cassidy.


SOUND: SNEAKS IN DURING ABOVE .... CRACKLE! OF HELLFIRE ... TOPPED BY--


MUSIC: UP AND OUT


CASSIDY: (LOW, GUARDED) Katie? Katie dear? Come over here to your Patrick.


KATE: (APPROACHES) What is it you want now, Pat?


CASSIDY: Ssh! Not so loud, my pretty. Closer, closer -- like a good wife.


KATE: Sure an' what's got into you now?


CASSIDY: Ssh! Look there on the table. Faith and it has every resemblance to a half crown.


KATE: (SURPRISED) Glory be, and it is indeed. A real solid half crown.


CASSIDY: Now I ask you, what would a half crown be doin' in this house? I don't like the look of it.


KATE: You can be sure it can't be none of your doing -- for if you knew there was an extra half--


CASSIDY: (INTERRUPTS) Stand real still there, Katie, like a good girl, and be quiet. (WITH EXAGGERATED NONCHALANCE) Now, I'll just be walkin' over that way. Like this. Sort of gazin' 'round the room. Then I'll be takin' my purse out of my pocket all of a sudden. Like this.


SOUND: WHISH! THUNK! OF COIN SWEPT INTO PURSE ... THEN PAT-PAT-PAT OF "COIN" STRUGGLING TO GET OUT OF PURSE, IN BG


CASSIDY: (DURING ABOVE, MERRILY TRIUMPHANT) In my purse it goes! Ha ha! I got it, I got it! Ho ho!


KATE: (LAUGHS DELIGHTEDLY) Sure enough, soon as you put the half crown in your purse that it begins to bounce around -- like the devil himself had got into it!


CASSIDY: Faith, an' I think he has. 


SOUND: THE "COIN" STOPS STRUGGLING ... TRAPPED IN THE PURSE, NICK'S VOICE IS SLIGHTLY MUFFLED DURING FOLLOWING--


CASSIDY: (TO NICK) Ho, there? Is that you has got into me purse, Nick?


NICK: (KNOWS HE'S CAUGHT; POLITE) Oh, yes, Pat, it is. Uh, let me out like a good fellow, won't you?


CASSIDY: Sure and I'd like to do that little thing for ya, Nick. But this is a very peculiar purse. There's a charm on it, and once a thing goes in, it's very difficult to get it out again.


NICK: But all you have to do is to pull the purse string, Pat. Just pull the string and let me out.


CASSIDY: Oh ho! So you can pop out and drag me off down below? Sure an' wouldn't I be the big fool to do that? Aw, no, Mr. Brimstone. Now you've caught yourself good and proper, I'm goin' to warm your bones for you.


NICK: (NERVOUS) Pat, what are you going to do?


CASSIDY: Sure an' you'll find out soon enough, Nick old boy. To tell you the truth, I'm a wee bit disappointed in the way you come sneakin' up on me in the shape of a coin. It's downright unfriendly of you, Nick. So I'm just goin' to give your ribs a bit of squeezin' with the hammer.


NICK: Oh, now, spare me, Pat; spare me. Remember, I'm an old man. I'll give you another fifty thousand pounds and another seven years, only let me go.


CASSIDY: Oh, no, I got you for fair this time, Nick, and I mean to give you something to remember me by.


SOUND: WHACK! OF HAMMER ON PURSE ... CONTINUES IN BG


CASSIDY: There, you old dog! How do you like that?! (EXHALES REPEATEDLY WITH EFFORT AS HE POUNDS AWAY AT NICK)


NICK: (GRUNTS AND GROANS, IN AGREEMENT WITH THE HAMMERING) I'll double it, Pat. A hundred thousand. (NO RESPONSE, QUIETLY DESPERATE) Oh, anything, Pat; anything! Just ease up with the hammer and let me go.


SOUND: HAMMERING STOPS


CASSIDY: Do you hear that, Katie? What do you say? Shall we let him out?


KATE: Not till he lets you out of your end of the bargain, Pat. No more seven years! Tell him you'll not go with him at all! And triple the amount!


CASSIDY: Do you hear that, Nick? Do you hear what my wife says? Triple the amount and let me out of the bargain. If that's agreeable to you, why, then leave the cash and be off with you and never show your ugly face in this neighborhood again!


NICK: Agreed, Pat; agreed. Anything at all. Only let me out. (READY TO CRY) All I want is to get back home where I can find some peace and quiet!


CASSIDY: Very well then. Out you come. But leave the cash.


SOUND: CLATTER! OF COINS RAINING DOWN ON THE FLOOR


CASSIDY: And now scat!


SOUND: OMINOUS RUMBLE AND SWOOSH! ... FOR THE DEVIL'S DEPARTURE


MUSIC: BRIEF TRANSITION ... THEN OUT


CASSIDY: (NARRATES) And that's the way it was. Nick left the money and ran off, and I never saw him again from that day to this. So I took the great fortune and became a fine gentleman, and I hobnobbed with dukes and kings, and led the wonderful life indeed -- until finally I became an old, old man.


CUSTOMER: And what happened then?


CASSIDY: What happened? Then I died. Yes, gentlemen, I died. I went to sleep and never woke up again.


MUSIC: TRANSITION ... FOR A TRIP TO HEAVEN ... HARP ... THEN PLUNK-PLUNK-PLUNK ON HARP TO SIMULATE KNOCKING ON THE GATES OF HEAVEN 


GATEKEEPER: Who knocks at the golden gates of Heaven?


MUSIC: SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL SNEAKS IN DURING ABOVE, TO INDICATE WE'RE IN HEAVEN ... THEN IN BG


CASSIDY: (BRIGHTLY) I'd like to come in.


GATEKEEPER: Have you any references?


CASSIDY: Yes. I'm a good friend of St. Patrick's.


GATEKEEPER: We'll see about that. (CALLS) Oh, Patrick?! Here's one who claims to be a friend of yours!


CASSIDY: (BEAT, TO PATRICK) Don't you remember me, your reverence? Sure an' I'm poor old Patrick Cassidy, him you gave three wishes to.


PATRICK: Yes, you rascal, I remember you very well. But you're on the wrong floor, Mr. Cassidy. You have to go downstairs, Mr. Cassidy. Downstairs. Take the elevator. It goes right to the basement. (FADES OUT)


CASSIDY: (FALLING) Oh, noooooooo!


MUSIC: TRANSITION ... FOR A FAST TRIP TO HELL ... THEN CLANK-CLANK-CLANK OF PERCUSSION TO SIMULATE KNOCKING ON THE GATES OF HELL ... THEN PLAYFULLY MACABRE, TO INDICATE WE'RE IN HELL ... IN BG


ASSISTANT: (IMPATIENT) Yes-yes-yes? What do you want?


CASSIDY: (UNHAPPY) I, er, want to come in.


ASSISTANT: What's your name?


CASSIDY: (HESITANT) Errrr, Patrick Cassidy.


ASSISTANT: (SURPRISED) Ca--? Cassidy? (LAUGHS) Cassidy, he said. Ha! (CALLS) Quick, quick, tell the Chief he's here!


MUSIC: UP, FOR A QUICK TRANSITION ... THEN IN BG


NICK: (HELL NO!) Cassidy?! Patrick Cassidy?! No! No! Don't let him! Put up the chains! Bar the doors! Fasten the windows! Nail down the shutters! Keep him out! Keep him out! My bones still ache from the last time he got hold of me!


MUSIC: UP, FOR A TRANSITION ... THEN OUT


CASSIDY: (NARRATES, SADLY) And so, gentlemen, that's how it was. I couldn't get into Heaven and I couldn't get into hell. That's why you see me wandering around on such a bitter cold night. And that's how I come to be here -- right here in O'Ryan's Bar and Café under the Brooklyn Bridge. (BEAT, BRIGHTLY) Would any of you gentlemen care to set me up again?


MUSIC: A BRISK AND JAUNTY IRISH REEL FOR A CURTAIN


ANNOUNCER: Tonight the Columbia Workshop has brought you Basil Heatter's "Cassidy and the Devil" with Walter Kinsella as Cassidy and Arthur Vinton as the devil, Nicholas Brimstone. The production was directed by Guy della Cioppa. The score for tonight's Workshop was composed and conducted by Alexander Semmler. Other members of the cast included Kenneth Delmar as St. Patrick, Jeanette Nolan as Kate, Whitford Kane as the bartender, Jeffrey Bryant as the gatekeeper of Heaven, and Ted de Corsia as the devil's assistant. Next Sunday night only, the Columbia Workshop time will be given over to a special gala concert in connection with the inaugural of President Franklin D. Roosevelt for his third term. Some of the nation's outstanding actors and musicians will participate. The next Workshop production, two weeks from tonight, will be called "This Is from David." The original story was written by Meridel Le Sueur and the adaptation has been made by Jack Fink and Draper Lewis. Harry Clark speaking.


MUSIC: JAUNTY IRISH TUNE ... UNTIL END


ANNOUNCER: This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

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