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Burns and Allen - New Year's Eve Party

Burns and Allen

New Year's Eve Party

Dec 30 1948 



CAST:

GRACIE ALLEN, daffy wife

GEORGE BURNS, long-suffering husband

ANNOUNCER, Tobe Reed (pronounced TO'-bee)

BILL GOODWIN, narcissistic, girl-crazy commercial spokesman

JUDSON, broad Texas accent

MEREDITH WILLSON, bookish Iowa bandleader 

MRS. VANDERLIP, dignified society lady

MR. VANDERLIP, her dignified husband

TALLULAH SCHWARTZ, maid; working class Noo Yawk accent

PROFESSOR, thick German accent

MALE SINGER

FEMALE SINGER




GRACIE: Another cup of Maxwell House Coffee, George?


GEORGE: Sure, pour me a cup, Gracie.


GRACIE: You know, Maxwell House is always good to the last-- (MUSIC: GLISSANDO) --drop. (MUSIC: TRIANGLE)


GEORGE: And that drop's good, too.


MUSIC: IN AND IN BG


ANNOUNCER: Yes, it's "Maxwell House Coffee Time" starring George Burns and Gracie Allen.


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: UP FOR THEME (1920's "THE LOVE NEST" BY LOUIS A. HIRSCH AND OTTO HARBACH) ... THEN IN BG--


ANNOUNCER: With our special guest tonight Meredith Willson; Bea Benaderet, Hans Conried, Gale Gordon, Harry Lubin and the Maxwell House Orchestra, Bill Goodwin, and yours truly, Tobe Reed. 


GOODWIN: For America's Thursday night comedy enjoyment, it's George and Gracie. And for America's everyday coffee-drinking enjoyment, it's Maxwell House -- always good to the last drop.


MUSIC: THEME UP AND OUT


ANNOUNCER: As we join the Burnses tonight, we find them discussing the gala New Year's Eve party they're planning for tomorrow.


GEORGE: Gracie, we're gonna have the greatest New Year's Eve party in town.


GRACIE: Mm, you bet we are.


GEORGE: Money is no object. I've hired an orchestra. 


GRACIE: You did?


GEORGE: Yeah, and on New Year's Eve musicians really come high.


GRACIE: And they leave even higher. ...


GEORGE: Er, what about the food? Did you take care of that?


GRACIE: (YES) Mm hm. I bought two turkeys. Oh, and I hired a maid to pass around the hors d'oeuvres. 


GEORGE: This is really gonna be some party.


GRACIE: Mm hm. 


GEORGE: I, er-- I bought champagne. 


GRACIE: You did?


GEORGE: Uh huh, and at midnight we'll fill our glasses and drink bottoms up.


GRACIE: Isn't that an awkward position? ...


GEORGE: Yes, it'll spoil my hat. ... 


GRACIE: You know, darling, with an orchestra tomorrow night, you'll be able to sing your very best.


GEORGE: Oh, no. People don't want to hear me sing.


GRACIE: Oh, they do, too. And sometime before the party, be sure to learn that new popular song, "Drop Dead." ...


GEORGE: There's a popular song called "Drop Dead"?


GRACIE: Sure. Well, there must be. At every sociable, when you get up to sing, you say, "What would you like me to do?" and everybody yells--


GEORGE: (INTERRUPTS) Oh, yes, yes, yes. ... That's that big hit. (SINGS BADLY) "Oh, drop dead. Oh, drop dead. Oh, drop dead." ... "You are the ideal of my dreams." Yes.


GRACIE: Is that how it goes?


GEORGE: Yes, that's a good one. Ah, by the way, uh, how many guests are coming?


GRACIE: Oh, I must have sent out twenty or thirty invitations.


GEORGE: Hm. 


GRACIE: I invited a lot of old friends we haven't seen for a while. Meredith Willson--


GEORGE: Good.


GRACIE: --Professor Korkendorfer--


GEORGE: (INTERRUPTS) Wonderful. Gracie, you've really worked hard to make this party a success. I'm gonna give you a kiss. (A GENTLE SMACK)


GRACIE: Well, thank you!


GEORGE: And tomorrow night -- New Year's Eve -- you'll get another one. 


GRACIE: Gee. Two kisses in one year. ... 


GEORGE: You forgot the one on your birthday.


GRACIE: Oh. 


GEORGE: That was a big one, too. 


GRACIE: Mm hm. I, er-- I hope everyone shows up for the party. I haven't had any replies to the invitations I sent out.


GEORGE: Well, did you say "RSVP"? 


GRACIE: Of course not. I said, "come to the party"! ... Besides, dear, you don't have to spell things for me. RSVP. If you want to say Russ Voop, just say it. ...


GEORGE: Gracie, RSVP is not Russ Voop. You see--


SOUND: DOORBELL BUZZES


GRACIE: Oh. (CALLS) Come in!


SOUND: FRONT DOOR OPENS


JUDSON: Howdy, little lady! Howdy, little man! 


GRACIE: Why, Mr. Judson! What a wonderful surprise. George, look who's here. Say hello to our dear friend from Texas. 


GEORGE: How do you--?


GRACIE: (INTERRUPTS) Come in and sit down, Mr. Judson. 


JUDSON: Well, thank you! First, I'll wipe off my boots. I don't want to get this dust on your rug. 


GRACIE: Oh, what a gentleman! You're wiping your boots with a clean handkerchief just to save my rug. 


JUDSON: No, ma'am. To save the dust. It's from Texas. ... After I shave, I use it for talcum. ...


GRACIE: Oh. Well, George, why don't you speak to Mr. Judson? 


GEORGE: How do you--?


GRACIE: (INTERRUPTS) Well, tell us all about yourself, Mr. Judson. Why haven't you been to see us? 


JUDSON: Well, my family's been in mourning, ma'am. 


GRACIE: Oh?


JUDSON: Yeah, terrible tragedy. My sister. Young -- pretty -- never sick a day in her life. 


GRACIE: You mean--? 


JUDSON: Yeah. She got married and moved to Oklahoma. ...


GRACIE: Oh, I am sorry.


JUDSON: Thank you, ma'am.


GRACIE: George, do you realize you haven't spoken to Mr. Judson?


GEORGE: How do you--?


GRACIE: (INTERRUPTS) It's not that he isn't glad to see you, Mr. Judson. He's just shy. By the way, what brings you to California after all these months? 


JUDSON: Well now, I brought some fine Texas steers up here for the stock show. Oh, that reminds me! I gotta get back to my hotel and feed them.


GRACIE: You keep the steers in your hotel room?


JUDSON: Why, sure, sure. 


GRACIE: Well, don't you get complaints? 


JUDSON: Yeah. Yeah, them steers bawl their heads off, but it's the best hotel you got. ... Well, I'll be moseying.


GRACIE: You're not budging until my husband has the decency to speak to you. (STERN) George, we're waiting. 


GEORGE: (BEAT, RAPIDLY) How-do-you-do? ...


GRACIE: Is that any way to speak? Now do it right.


GEORGE: How do you--?


GRACIE: (INTERRUPTS) Ah, you'll have to excuse him, Mr. Judson. He's got his mind on the big New Year's Eve party we're giving tomorrow night. Invite Mr. Judson to the party, George. (NO RESPONSE) George? Geo--? (REALIZES) He's gone.


JUDSON: Yes, ma'am. He stepped into the next room.


GRACIE: Well, here -- I'll give you one of the printed invitations I sent out. I had one left over so I put it in this drawer just in case, y'know, and-- 


SOUND: DRAWER OPENS


GRACIE: (SURPRISED) Ah-- Oh! Oh, my goodness! 


JUDSON: What's the matter, little lady? You sound dis-tressed. 


GRACIE: Oh, I am! Here are all the invitations to our New Year's Eve party. I forgot to mail them! Oh, George'll be furious.


JUDSON: Yeah. Yeah, he'll bellow like a short-tailed steer in fly time. ... 


GRACIE: Oh, I've gotta hurry out and see all the guests personally and beg them to come to our party. You'll come, won't you? 


JUDSON: Oh, I'm sorry, but I gotta get back to the ranch and help my wife. The hogs is bein' slaughtered and by now she's probably smoking sausages.


GRACIE: Oh, I hope she doesn't inhale. ... 


JUDSON: (PUZZLED) You hope she doesn't inh--? (SUDDENLY SHRIEKS WITH HIGH, HEARTY LAUGHTER) Oh, I like your sense of humor, ma'am! (LAUGHS) I'll be seein' ya!


SOUND: APPLAUSE FOR JUDSON


MUSIC: BRIDGE


GRACIE: But, Bill, you've just got to come to our New Year's Eve party tomorrow night. The Mortons and Bagleys can't make it and Professor Korkendorfer has other plans, too. 


GOODWIN: Well, so have I, Gracie. I promised to go to a party at Helen Burkett's house. We're gonna do a little smoochin'. 


GRACIE: Well, couldn't you come to our party for a while? 


GOODWIN: Well, no, I'll be tied up all evening. 


GRACIE: Tied up? You won't have much fun if you can't use your hands. ... 


GOODWIN: No, Gracie, I mean it's a date I can't break. You know, it's a real thrill to spend New Year's Eve with Hollywood's most glamorous blonde.


GRACIE: Yeah, I guess it is. 


GOODWIN: Well, sure, I can't rob the poor girl of that thrill. ...


GRACIE: Gee, I wish you'd change your mind. Bill, we're gonna have two turkeys and George'll sing. 


GOODWIN: That's three turkeys. ... I still have to turn you down, Gracie. Your invitation comes too late. 


GRACIE: Well, I better hurry along and try to get the other people. If this party doesn't come off tomorrow night, George may get so mad he'll walk out on me. He'll leave me to starve.


GOODWIN: Well, don't worry. After he's starved a while, he'll come back. ...


MUSIC: BRIDGE


GRACIE: Oh, but, Mrs. Vanderlip, we've paid for the food and musicians and George's heart'll be broken if no one comes to the party. 


MRS. V: I'm terribly sorry, Mrs. Burns, but Chester and I plan to spend New Year's Eve with the Butterworths of Pasadena. We're friends of long-standing. 


GRACIE: If you come to our party, you can sit down. ...


MRS. V: (PATIENTLY) No, we shall sit down. We shall sit before the fireplace and toast each other.


GRACIE: Oh, come to our house; we're using marshmallows. ... 


MRS. V: (GRANDLY) We'll drink the toast in champagne. I love champagne! It makes me want to get up and dance, and the bubbles tickle my nose. 


GRACIE: When you dance, you better not hold your bubble that high. ...


MRS. V: (CONFUSED) Mrs. Burns, what are you--?


GRACIE: (INTERRUPTS) Well, I guess when you've had a few too many, you don't know what you're doing. ...


MRS. V: (FLUSTERED) We will not get loaded-- Intoxicated. ...


GRACIE: Oh, Mrs. Vanderlip, please say you'll come to our party. If you don't, I'll have to go home and face a horrible disaster. 


MRS. V: Well, wish him a happy New Year for me. ... Goodbye.


MUSIC: BRIDGE


GRACIE: (TO HERSELF) Well, Meredith Willson is my last chance. I hope he's home.


SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR, WHICH OPENS


MEREDITH: Hello, all!


GRACIE: Meredith, how are you?! [APPLAUSE FOR MEREDITH] Meredith, you were supposed to get a beautiful invitation to our New Year's Eve party, but I forgot to mail it.


MEREDITH: Well, that probably accounts for my failure to receive it. ...


GRACIE: Yeah, yeah. So I'm inviting you right now. You've just got to come; it means so much to George. 


MEREDITH: Well, I'm afraid I have previous plans for tomorrow night, Gracie. I'm proposing to a lovely young creature -- just the type I've always wanted to marry: a girl. ... 


GRACIE: Meredith, must you propose to this girl? George will be so disappointed. 


MEREDITH: Well, why? I've never given him any encouragement. ... 


GRACIE: No. I mean he'll be disappointed if you don't come. Can't you propose at our party? 


MEREDITH: Oh, no, I fear that's too public. Besides, I've promised to kneel before the very sofa on which her father proposed to her mother.


GRACIE: Oh, did she accept him? ...


MEREDITH: I presume so.


GRACIE: Oh. Do her folks approve of you, Meredith?


MEREDITH: Oh, yes! Her entire family has taken me to their -- if you'll pardon the expression -- bosom. ... 


GRACIE: How nice.


MEREDITH: It's unfortunate that your party isn't tonight, Gracie, as my betrothed is working and I'm quite free. 


GRACIE: Yes, if tonight were only New Year's Eve, all the people I invited could come and then-- (GETS AN IDEA) Meredith! I've got it!


MEREDITH: What? 


GRACIE: I'll make tonight New Year's Eve! 


MEREDITH: Well, have a care, Gracie -- you are assuming powers greater than those of Petrillo. ...


GRACIE: I mean, I'll make George think it's New Year's Eve. 


MEREDITH: But that's twenty-four hours away.


GRACIE: That's the idea! He's going to bed early tonight, so I'll get all the guests over and wake George up and tell him he slept twenty-four hours.


MEREDITH: That's a brilliant idea. Gracie, no one else has a brain like you. Except possibly me.


GRACIE: Mm hmm. We do make a great team. We're like those congressmen who support each other in Washington: when we put our heads together, it's a solid block! ...


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: FIRST ACT CURTAIN ... THEN A TRANSITION (A CHORUS OF IRVING BERLIN'S "HAPPY HOLIDAY") TO THE COMMERCIAL ... THEN A DIFFERENT TUNE IN BG


ANNOUNCER: Only one more day, friends, and Old Man Nineteen Forty-Eight will be ready for the history books. There's a grand song that's part and parcel of this New Year season, an age-old favorite. But now let's see if you [can] name it after hearing only the mellow harmony.


MUSIC: HARMONY


ANNOUNCER: We'll help you out by adding the rich countermelody. 


MUSIC: HARMONY AND COUNTERMELODY


ANNOUNCER: And now to add the rhythm, with good Scotch vigor.


MUSIC: HARMONY, COUNTERMELODY, AND RHYTHM


ANNOUNCER: You'll be able to join in the chorus yourself as we blend in the full-bodied melody.


MUSIC: HARMONY, COUNTERMELODY, RHYTHM, AND MELODY OF "AULD LANG SYNE" ... THEN IN BG


ANNOUNCER: Yes, it's the ever-popular "Auld Lang Syne," a heartwarming favorite you've enjoyed many times, when all of its fine musical parts are expertly blended in a full, rounded orchestration. And, friends, it takes the same expert skill in blending to create the famous heartwarming flavor that has made Maxwell House America's favorite brand of coffee. Yes, Maxwell House is famous for flavor -- superb good-to-the-last-drop flavor no other coffee offers you. This mellow, deeply satisfying flavor is created by combining not one, but many choice varieties of coffee from the highlands of Latin America. First, Manizales coffees are selected for mellowness.


MUSIC: HARMONY


ANNOUNCER: Next, Medellins add richness.


MUSIC: HARMONY AND COUNTERMELODY


ANNOUNCER: Other choice coffees give vigor.


MUSIC: HARMONY, COUNTERMELODY, AND RHYTHM


ANNOUNCER: And Bucaramangas coffees are added for fine, full body.


MUSIC: HARMONY, COUNTERMELODY, RHYTHM, AND MELODY OF "AULD LANG SYNE" ... THEN IN BG


ANNOUNCER: This perfectly balanced Maxwell House blend is then radiant-roasted to flavor perfection and brought to you vacuum-packed and roaster fresh. 


GOODWIN: And because you folks on the west coast really know and enjoy coffee that's best, Maxwell House is blended and roasted for you right here on the west coast to satisfy your critical tastes. 


ANNOUNCER: So tomorrow, and all the year ahead, enjoy the extra flavor, the extra satisfaction that's yours in every cup of America's favorite brand of coffee, Maxwell House Coffee -- always good to the last drop.


MUSIC: "AULD LANG SYNE" ... TO A GRANDIOSE FINISH!


SOUND: APPLAUSE ... THEN PARTY GUESTS MURMUR BRIEFLY, GROWING QUIET BEHIND--)


GRACIE: Ssh! Quiet, everybody! Are enough people here to get the party started? 


GOODWIN: Oh, sure, Gracie. 


GRACIE: Well, does everybody know everybody else? Meredith, you haven't met the Vanderlips.


MRS. V: How do you do, Mr. Willson?


MR. V: How do you do?


MEREDITH: How do you do? It's always a pleasure to widen my acquaintances.


MR. V: Thank you. 


MEREDITH: By that, I mean I enjoy meeting new people. I'm sure that you and your wife are wide enough. ...


MRS. V: (INDIGNANT) Well, I like that! 


GRACIE: (CHUCKLES) I knew you'd get along! ... Now, uh, put on your paper hats, everyone, and I'll go in and wake George and tell him it's New Year's Eve.


MEREDITH: Well, how long has he been in bed? 


GRACIE: Oh, about fifteen minutes.


MR. V: Well, maybe he's still awake. 


GRACIE: Oh, no. No, I don't think so. He was lying on his tummy and that way he usually rocks himself to sleep. ... Now, I'll wake him up and the party can start.


SOUND: GUESTS MURMUR BRIEFLY ... BEDROOM DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, SHUTTING OUT GUESTS 


GEORGE: (SNORES)


GRACIE: Hap-py New Year!


GEORGE: (STARTLED AWAKE) Huh?! What--? What was that?


GRACIE: (MATTER-OF-FACT) It's New Year's Eve, dear.


GEORGE: It's - New Year's Eve? This is - this is Thursday.


GRACIE: No! No, dear, it's Friday. You slept for twenty-four hours. 


GEORGE: Have you gone out of your mind? 


GRACIE: Get out of bed. The guests are here for the party.


GEORGE: Guests?


GRACIE: Well, sure -- listen.


SOUND: BEDROOM DOOR OPENS 


GRACIE: Hap-py New Year!


GUESTS: Happy New Year!


SOUND: BEDROOM DOOR SHUTS 


GRACIE: Get dressed, dear.


GEORGE: I must be dreaming. Hand me my robe.


GRACIE: Here!


GEORGE: I don't believe this. 


SOUND: BEDROOM DOOR OPENS 


GEORGE: Happy New Year.


GUESTS: Happy New Year!


SOUND: BEDROOM DOOR SHUTS 


GEORGE: ... Gee, I - I feel like I only slept a few minutes.


GRACIE: You slept twenty-four hours, you sleepyhead! You naughty boy!


GEORGE: Twenty-four hours? Why didn't you wake me? 


GRACIE: Well, I didn't have the heart, darling -- you were so tired.


GEORGE: Funny thing is, I still am. ... 


GRACIE: Now, the guests are waiting. Come on, I'll help you out of your nightshirt. Close your eyes. ...


GEORGE: Close my eyes?


GRACIE: My nose is shiny. ...


GEORGE: I feel so tired.


MUSIC: BRIDGE


GRACIE: Well, here's George. Now the party can start. Hap-py New Year, everybody!


GUESTS: Happy New Year!


GRACIE: Blow your horn, George.


MUSIC: HORN BLEATS BRIEFLY, LIKE A SICKLY SHEEP 


GRACIE: ... Havin' a good time?


GEORGE: Yeah, fine, fine. Twenty-four hours and I'm still tired. ...


GRACIE: (CHUCKLES, TO GUESTS) Yes, George slept for twenty-four hours. He's a regular Rip Van Wrinkle. ... 


GEORGE: That's, er-- That's Winkle.


GOODWIN: I like it her way. ... 


GRACIE: Now, uh, before we start the entertainment, Tallulah will pass the hors d'oeuvres. (ADMONISHES) Tallulah, stop trying to date Bill Goodwin. 


TALLULAH: Why, Mrs. Burns, such a thought never crossed my mind, as sure as my name is Tallulah Schwartz ... Hollywood Five-Two-Six-Four. ... 


GRACIE: All right, pass the hors d'oeuvres.


TALLULAH: Oh, if you mean the weenies, they ain't burled yet.


GRACIE: Well, please go and burl 'em. ... Meanwhile, while we're waiting for the hors d'oeuvres, Meredith Willson will play a flute solo.


SOUND: GUESTS MURMUR APPRECIATIVELY AND POLITELY APPLAUD


MEREDITH: Well, thank you. Er, gentlemen of the orchestra, may I please have an introduction to the Andante Cantabile from [See-goynder-meisen]?


MUSIC: CYMBAL CRASH! THEN GRANDIOSE CLASSICAL FANFARE! ... SUBSIDES TO A GENTLE HARP GLISSANDO ... THEN SILENCE


GRACIE: (PAUSE) Well? Meredith, what's the matter?


MEREDITH: I forgot to bring my flute. ...


GRACIE: Well, we won't let that spoil our fun. Hap-py New Year, everybody!


GUESTS: Happy New Year!


GRACIE: Oh, isn't this gay, George? George! Wake up!


GEORGE: (STARTLED AWAKE) Huh?!


GRACIE: You're not enjoying yourself. Here, blow your little horn, dear.


MUSIC: SICKLY HORN BLEAT 


GRACIE: ... Now we're rollin'!


GEORGE: I'm so tired, I can't understand it.


SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR


GRACIE: Hm! I'll open it!


SOUND: FRONT DOOR OPENS


PROF: (A BIG ENTRANCE) Wait! Here is Professor Korkendorfer! (NO RESPONSE, DISAPPOINTED, TO HIMSELF) I guess I'm too early; there's nobody here yet.


GRACIE: (QUIET, TO GUESTS) Let's show 'em, gang.


GRACIE & GUESTS: (LOUD) Happy New Year!


PROF: Zomebody shpoke? ...


GRACIE: Yes, Professor, everyone's here. Now hang up your coat and join the party. 


PROF: Oh, yeah, I hang it up here on this nice long rose--


MR. V: Take your coat off my nose! ... Can't you see?


PROF: Of course I can zee. I got ice like a hawg! ...


GOODWIN: What kept you so long, Professor? Where have you been?


PROF: Oh, I was experimenting with a little monkey and I couldn't tear myself away.


GOODWIN: Oh, interesting work, huh?


PROF: No, no, no. Shtrong monkey! ... 


GRACIE: George? George, look who's here. George? George, wake up.


GEORGE: (STARTLED AWAKE) Huh?!


GRACIE: Oh, you're not having fun, dear. Blow your little horn.


SOUND: SICKLY HORN BLEAT


GRACIE: ... Now, come on over and say hello to Professor Korkendorfer.


GEORGE: Okay. Twenty-four hours I slept and I'm bushed. 


GRACIE: Well, look who's here, Professor!


PROF: (INCREDULOUS) The monkey followed me?! ... 


GRACIE: No, this is my husband.


PROF: (SORROWFUL) Such a nice girl to marry a monkey. ... 


GEORGE: Oh, fine.


GRACIE: Well, now that all the guests have arrived, Tallulah, pass the hors d'oeuvres.


TALLULAH: Okay. (YELLS AT GUESTS) I got your weenies here! They're red hot! Weenies, anybody?! Schultz and Newman's weenies! They're skinless!


GRACIE: (HELPFULLY) She means the weenies. Schultz and Newman both have skin. ...


TALLULAH: (AMOROUS) Have a weenie, Bill? 


GOODWIN: (LIKEWISE) Oh, thanks, Tallulah. What's the good word? 


TALLULAH: Hollywood Five-Two-Six-Four. ...


GRACIE: All right. And now it's time for games. Uh, you can play, too, Tallulah. 


TALLULAH: Oh, much obliged, I'm sure. 


MR. V: Well, I would like to suggest a game. It's called Word Association.


MEREDITH: Oh, how's it played, Mr. Vanderlip?


MR. V: Well, we stand in a circle and someone says a word, then the next person says whatever word that reminds him of, and so on around. Now, let's make a circle. Mrs. Burns, may I have your hand? 


GRACIE: No, I'm already married. ... 


MR. V: I only want to hold it. Now, come on, everyone. 


MEREDITH: Er, you take my hand, Professor Korkendorfer.


PROF: Oh, sure. (BEAT) My, you got such hot fingers! 


TALLULAH: (BEAT) Get your hand out of the weenies! ...


PROF: Excuzee, please.


MR. V: Now, if anyone says a word that doesn't fit, they must leave the circle and go into the next room. All right, we'll start with, er, gems. Diamond.


PROF: Zapphire!


GRACIE: You're next, George. Wake up.


GEORGE: (STARTLED AWAKE) Huh?!


GRACIE: Oh, you're not having fun, dear. Blow your little horn.


SOUND: SICKLY HORN BLEAT 


GRACIE: ... That's better.


MR. V: I'll, er-- I'll start again and we'll skip your husband. Diamond.


PROF: Zapphire!


MEREDITH: Ruby! 


TALLULAH: Poil!


GRACIE: Emerald! 


GOODWIN: Maxwell House Coffee! 


MR. V: That's a gem? 


GOODWIN: (WITH RELISH) Ooh! You said it, brother! ... What a coffee! Rich, delicious, mellow! Only Maxwell House gives you that good-to-the-last-drop flavor! 


MR. V: Mr. Goodwin, we are all aware that Maxwell House is delicious, but you cannot mention it unless someone else says a word that legitimately suggests coffee.


GOODWIN: Oh. Oh, I see. Well, let's start again then.


MR. V: Diamond.


PROF: Zapphire!


MEREDITH: Ruby! 


TALLULAH: Poil!


GRACIE: Emerald! 


GOODWIN: Doughnut.


MR. V: Doughnut?


GOODWIN: Thank you. (WITH RELISH) Maxwell House Coffee--! ... What's a doughnut without Maxwell House, that rare blend of the choice Latin American coffees, radiant-roasted to the peak of flavor perfection--?


MR. V: (HUMORLESSLY) Mr. Goodwin, go into the next room. 


GOODWIN: Okay.


SOUND: INNER DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS AS GOODWIN EXITS


MR. V: There. Now we'll start again with another category. Er, England.


PROF: Aus-tree-ah!


MEREDITH: Sweden! 


TALLULAH: Maxwell House Caw-fee! ...


MR. V: (MYSTIFIED) Why did you say Maxwell House Coffee? 


TALLULAH: I want to go in the other room with Bill Goodwin! ... What's the matter? Ya think I'm crazy or somethin'? ...


SOUND: INNER DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS AS TALLULAH EXITS


MR. V: Shall we try vegetables as a category? Ah, lettuce.


GRACIE: All right, what's stopping us? ...


MR. V: I was naming a vegetable. Lettuce.


PROF: Rutabaga!


MEREDITH: Corn!


GRACIE: Maxwell House Coffee!


MR. V: You, too?! 


GRACIE: I want to go in and see what Bill and Tallulah are doing. ... Think I'm crazy or somethin'? ...


MR. V: (MILDLY EXASPERATED) Well, that does it. The game's over. 


PROF: Max-vell House Cow-fee!


MR. V: We're not playing any more!


PROF: Who's playing? I want some Max-vell House Cow-fee! ... It's zo delicious


GRACIE: Say, that's a good idea. I'll go make some. Have fun while I'm gone, everybody. Hap-py New Year!


GUESTS: Happy New Year!


GRACIE: Are you having fun, George?


MUSIC: SICKLY HORN BLEAT ... THEN BRIDGE


SOUND: GUESTS MURMUR BRIEFLY ... THEN OUT BEHIND--


GRACIE: Now, quiet, everybody, quiet! Now, I think the time has come for us to hear a song from the most talented member of the Burns family.


GEORGE: (CLEARS HIS THROAT AT LENGTH, WITH FALSE MODESTY)


GOODWIN: Oh, that's a swell idea. Sing for us, Gracie. ...


GRACIE: Oh. (CHUCKLES) No. I don't mean me. Besides, I - I'm not a good singer. (NO RESPONSE) Huh? 


GOODWIN: Aw, you're swell, Gracie.


GRACIE: Oh, I'm not! (NO RESPONSE) Huh? ...


MEREDITH: Well, really, Gracie, you're an excellent vocalist.


GRACIE: Oh, I'm terrible! (NO RESPONSE) Huh? 


GEORGE: (DRY) Yes. ... Well, would you like to hear from me?


GOODWIN: Yeah, blow your little horn.


MUSIC: SICKLY HORN BLEAT ...


GUESTS: (MURMUR BRIEFLY, PLEADING WITH GRACIE TO SING: "Sing, Gracie, please," ET CETERA)


GRACIE: Oh, all right.


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA ... INTRO TO "LITTLE BROWN GAL" BY DON McDIARMID, J. NOBLE, AND LEE WOOD ... THEN ACCOMPANIES GRACIE--


GRACIE: (SINGS)

It's not the islands fair that are calling to me,

Not the balmy air, nor the tropical sea,

It's a little brown gal in a little grass skirt

In a little grass shack in Hawai'i.


It isn't Waikiki nor Kamehameha's pali,

Nor the beach boys free with their ho'omalimali.

It's a little brown gal in a little grass skirt

In a little grass shack in Hawai'i.


Through that island wonderland

She's broken all the kanes' hearts.

It's not hard to understand

For that wahine is a gal of parts.


I'll be leaving soon but the thrill I'll enjoy

Is not the island moon, the fish or the poi.

It's a little brown gal in a little grass skirt

In a little grass shack in Hawai'i.


MUSIC: SONG ENDS


SOUND: APPLAUSE


GRACIE: And now-- Now we come to the grand finale of our party. Everyone be real quiet and we'll hear from my husband Sugar Throat Burns.


GEORGE: (SNORES) 


GRACIE: ... Oh, the poor darling! He's sound asleep. Shall I wake him up so he can sing?


GUESTS: (HUSHED) No! 


GRACIE: Oh. ... (WITH A SHRUG) Well, then I guess the party is over. Happy New Year, everybody.


GUESTS: (HUSHED) Happy New Year.


MUSIC: BRIDGE


GEORGE: (STARTLED AWAKE) Huh?! Where am I? (CALLS) Gracie?! (TO HIMSELF) Gee, everybody's gone. I can't get over it. Twenty-four hours' sleep and I couldn't stay awake at my own party. Well, I better get my Rose Bowl tickets out of this drawer.


SOUND: DRAWER OPENS


GEORGE: (TO HIMSELF) Gotta start early in the morning. (SURPRISED) Holy smoke, what's this? All the invitations to our New Year's Eve party. Gracie didn't mail them! What goes on here? 


SOUND: PHONE RECEIVER UP ... OPERATOR DIALED


GEORGE: (INTO PHONE) Hello, operator? Hello, operator? Operator? Tell me -- is this New Year's Eve? (BEAT) No, I'm not plastered. ... It isn't? That's tomorrow night? Thanks.


SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN


GEORGE: (TO HIMSELF) So the whole thing was one of her tricks, eh? Well, here's where I get even.


SOUND: GEORGE'S STEPS TO BEDROOM DOOR, WHICH OPENS


GEORGE: (QUIET, TO HIMSELF) Good. She's sound asleep. (LOUD, TO GRACIE) Happy Fourth of July!


GRACIE: (STARTLED AWAKE WITH A HICCUP!) Hic! What?! ... What happened? 


GEORGE: What happened? Get up, Gracie. It's the Fourth of July. You've been asleep six months. ...


GRACIE: I have?


GEORGE: (YES) Uh huh.


GRACIE: Oh, how wonderful! Now I can go out and buy all-new summer clothes! ...


MUSIC: THEME ... FOR CURTAIN


SOUND: APPLAUSE


ANNOUNCER: Now, here again are George and Gracie.


GRACIE: Ladies and gentlemen, George and I want to wish you all a very, very happy New Year. Blow your little horn, dear.


GEORGE: I can't, dear, I swallowed it. ... Gracie, I've got a surprise for you. Next Thursday our guest star will be Gregory Peck. 


GRACIE: Oh, wonderful!


GEORGE: Yeah, I'll feel kind of silly standing alongside of a big handsome guy like Peck next Thursday.


GRACIE: Oh, don't worry, George. You'll have something he won't have. 


GEORGE: What? 


GRACIE: All the straight lines. ... 


GEORGE: Happy New Year.


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: BRIEFLY ACCOMPANIES SINGERS DURING FOLLOWING COMMERCIAL


MALE SINGER: Good things!


FEMALE SINGER: The easy way!


ANNOUNCER: Do you like good things the easy way? Then get instant Maxwell House Coffee.


MALE SINGER: So good!


ANNOUNCER: So good. True coffee flavor and fragrance because Instant Maxwell House is not a so-called coffee product, it's all-pure Maxwell House Coffee in instant form.


FEMALE SINGER: And so easy! 


ANNOUNCER: So easy. Instant Maxwell House means great coffee instantly in your cup -- no fuss, no muss, no bother. Today try Instant Maxwell House -- instantly good to the last drop.


MUSIC: FOR CLOSING, IN BG, UNTIL END


SOUND: APPLAUSE, UNTIL END


ANNOUNCER: Until next Thursday when our special guest will be Gregory Peck, goodnight and good luck and a happy New Year from the makers of Maxwell House, America's favorite brand of coffee -- always good to the last drop. Meredith Willson appears through the courtesy of the Jell-O Family.


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