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Blubber

The Henry Morgan Show

Blubber

Feb 19 1947 







CHARLIE: (DISBELIEF) THE HENRY MORGAN SHOW?! 


MUSIC: EVERSHARP THEME ... LIVELY! ... THEN BEHIND-- 


CHARLIE: Eversharp, manufacturers of Eversharp Schick Injector Razors and Blades, brings you THE HENRY MORGAN SHOW featuring Bernie Green and His Orchestra and a few surprises. 


MUSIC: HENRY'S THEME ... "FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW" ... PAUSES FOR--


HENRY: Good evening, anybody. Here's Morgan. 


MUSIC: HENRY'S THEME CONCLUDES 


SOUND: APPLAUSE


HENRY: Thank you. (YELLS) Taxes! Taxes! (CALM AGAIN) I've been looking at the national budget. All those expenses. Frankly, I don't see how I can pay for all that stuff. The government's putting money into reforestation, Indian reservations, fisheries, hatcheries. Some of that stuff I hardly ever use. ... So I have some ideas-- I have some ideas on how we can save money. For instance, in this country, if a man wants to run for President, why don't we charge him an entry fee? Well, look at the money we'd collect every four years just from Albany. ... After all-- (ASIDE) Albany's the capital of New York state, that's if you're from out-of-town. After all, in this country, being President is the dream of every Tom, Dick, and, uh, uh-- Well-- ... I'm sure of Tom, anyway. ... Another thing, maybe we're spending too much for Congressmen. After all, do you realize that we have, oh, four hundred-odd Congressmen and some of them are, uh-- ... Besides, they're absent much of the time and I think every time a Congressman is absent he should pay a fine. Do you realize that would keep him on the job all the time, using every bit of his ability, all his brain power, all his-- Maybe we better leave it the way it is. ... Well, I have a lot of ideas like that and while I'm trying to forget them, here's an unusual guy. His name is Rector Bailey and he plays the guitar and, while that's going on, he sings a song that he picked up in Haiti. It's a killer. This is Rector Bailey.


MUSIC: RECTOR BAILEY PLAYS GUITAR AND SINGS HAITIAN SONG


SOUND: APPLAUSE


CHARLIE: Have you heard about the new way of testing radio listeners? Fascinating. We found out that some programs relax people while others excite them. In order to find out which does which, they strap you down, turn on the radio full blast, and take your blood pressure. Now, let's see how this blood pressure test works. We have with us this evening the famous scientist Professor Doctor Heinrich Ja Wohl Morgan who will conduct the experiments. Right this way, Dr. Morgan. 


DOCTOR: (GERMAN ACCENT) Ja, ja, ja, ja. Uh, listen, I got to have a wolunteer, please, from the audience. I - I got to have somebody so I can took his blood pressure. 


ARNOLD: (NEBBISHY) Hey, uh, how about me, doc? Hey-hey, how about me, hey? 


DOCTOR: You? All right, except - I could use better somebody with blood, but uh-- ... Ve vork it out some vays. Now, sit down here. Now, er, roll up the arm, please. 


ARNOLD: You mean roll up the sleeve, doc.


DOCTOR: (ANNOYED) All right, by you it's perfect English -- congratulations. ... Here, I roll it up for you. My goodness, vhat a skinny arm you got. 


ARNOLD: That's my chest, doctor. ...


DOCTOR: Vell, never mind, ve gotta use something. All right, turn on the radio, please, and tell me vhen the meter shows a change in his blood pressure. 


ASSISTANT: Right, doctor. Here's the first program. A mystery. 


MUSIC: MYSTERIOSO ORGAN

 

ASSISTANT: Blood pressure up ten points. 


SOUND: DOOR OPENS SLOWLY AND SQUEAKILY, "INNER SANCTUM"-STYLE


ASSISTANT: Up thirty. 


RADIO HOST: (FILTER, WITH MACABRE DELIGHT) Welcome to "Inner Eardrum." ... Dark in here, isn't it? (LAUGHS)

 

ASSISTANT: Up forty. 


RADIO HOST: (FILTER) This is the story of Oswald Krewbish who was losing his mind. (LAUGHS) He had just killed his mother-in-law.


ASSISTANT: Blood pressure down to normal. ...


RADIO HOST: (FILTER) Krewbish watched his mind slowly slipping away. 


KREWBISH: (TORMENTED) I - I can't seem to remember anything. This headache! My mind! (CASUAL) Where did I put it? ... (WARY) I heard someone breathing. 


CLEM: Ha-loo! 


MUSIC: MYSTERIOSO ORGAN ... STING! 


KREWBISH: Clementine Phosphorus! You! What do you want?!


CLEM: It's no use, Krewbish! The police will be here any minute. They'll find you dead! It will look like suicide. Take your hand away from that buzzer! 


ASSISTANT: Pressure up thirty.

 

KREWBISH: You! You can't! I'll do anything! I'll give you diamonds, money!


CLEM: One more step and I shoot! 


MUSIC: MYSTERIOSO ORGAN ... STING! 


ASSISTANT: Pressure up sixty. Sweat on forehead. 


KREWBISH: You wouldn't shoot. That gun is empty!


ASSISTANT: Down thirty.


CLEM: It isn't empty. It has three bullets in it. 


ASSISTANT: Up thirty. ...


KREWBISH: I took all the bullets out! 


ASSISTANT: Down thirty. 


CLEM: I changed guns! 


ASSISTANT: Up thirty. 


CLEM: Your time has come, Krewbish! 


SOUND: POLICE CAR WITH SIREN APPROACHES 


ASSISTANT: Up ninety. 


SOUND: THREE GUNSHOTS 


MUSIC: MYSTERIOSO ORGAN ... CURTAIN! 


DOCTOR: Now, vhat is the patient's blood pressure, please?


ASSISTANT: He, uh, doesn't seem to have any, doctor. 


HENRY: Hmmm, interesting. Let me see. (BEAT) Don't have no pulse, neither. ... Hmmmmm. Also, he ain't breathing. ... Somebody remove the volunteer, please.


MUSIC: TRANSITION


DOCTOR: Another volunteer, please. Now, sir, on you ve try other kinds program. Ve tie you up and you listen to a "Mr. and Mrs." broadcast. Ve took you now to their little apartment, six o'clock in the morning. They talk about themselves and it;s very interesting. Also, they got a baby. Tune in please, Mr. and Mrs. [Trob-ee-yash.?]


MRS.: Good morning, Snuggle Pot.


MR.: Good morning, Bunny Fur. ...


MRS.: How are you this lovely cheerful morning, Dearest Pie?


MR.: Fine, my bobolink. ... And how is Daddy's ever-loving lover-lover, Lover? ...


ASSISTANT: Blood pressure down ten. ... Patient drowsy.


MR.: Oh, guess where I went yesterday, Chicky Wick.


MRS.: Ummmmmm. Were you at the office?


MR.: Yes!


MRS.: (MURMURS)


MR.: That wasn't hard to guess, was it?


MRS.: (CHUCKLES) No, it wasn't, Snooky Poo.


MR.: Then why did you ask me to guess?


MRS.: Well, I thought you asked me to guess.


MR.: Oh, I did? Oh. (LAUGHS SELFCONSCIOUSLY)


MRS.: (LAUGHS SELFCONSCIOUSLY)


MR.: I - I thought you asked me, Cuddle, er, Girl. ...


MRS.: Maybe I did. (CHUCKLES) Well, anyway, you guessed right, Peach Fuzz.


ASSISTANT: Blood pressure down twenty. Patient requires plasma. ...


MRS.: Oh, here's Nursey with the baby.


BABY: (GURGLES)


MRS.: Oh, isn't he cute?


MR.: Yeah. Whose is he? ...


MRS.: Why, ours, Potato Puff. (CHUCKLES) At least, I think he is.


MR.: (WITH A CHUCKLE) Oh, well--


BABY: (GURGLES)


MRS.: Aw, he's trying to say something.


MR.: Gosh! And only nine years old. ...


ASSISTANT: Blood pressure down twenty. Hands clammy.


MRS.: Oh, (CHUCKLES) Pussy Willow. I meant to tell you. Baby bit the milkman today.


ASSISTANT: Pressure sinking fast, doctor. (BEAT) Doctor? Doctor, the experiment is over. Wake up!


MUSIC: CURTAIN


HENRY: (AS A SHADY STREET VENDOR, TO A CUSTOMER) Hey, bud. C'mere. Step back in this dark doorway a minute, will ya? I don't want nobody should interrupt our little conversation. I picked you outta the crowd because you look like the type fella appreciates a good deal when he hears it. Listen. You heard about the Eversharp Schick Injector Razor? (BEAT) Ev-er-sharp. All the time sharp, it means. Schick Injector. That means-- Well, that's the name of it. ... Razor means razor, like you shave yourself with. Listen, this here razor sells for a dollar and a quarter with twenty blades. It's quick, see, because it changes blades automatic-- Wait a minute. Every time you buy an Eversharp Schick Razor, it helps keep Morgan on the air. (BEAT) You heard the program? (BEAT) You think what? (BEAT, UNHAPPY) Is that so? ... (BEAT, INCREASINGLY UPSET) Oh, is that so? (BEAT) Is that--? How would you like a fat lip? ... Well, now, keep your hands off me! Cut it--! (BEAT, TO A COP, INNOCENT PROTEST) Not me, officer. I was just tellin' this guy about the Eversharp Schick Injector Ra-- Look, all I said was a dollar and a quarter and he tried-- No, I was-- He was-- I got-- Yeah, I got one on me. There ya are. (FRIENDLY) Dollar and a quarter. All right, officer, thank you very much. Here's your change. Yeah. Yeah, the blades are in there. Thanks. So long, officer. (BEAT, THREATENING, TO CUSTOMER) Now, then, wise guy, uh, what were you sayin' about Morgan? 


MUSIC: TRANSITION 


ANNOUNCER #2: And now it's time to look in again on Charlie and Henry, two of the men who write the commercials that you hear on the air and the advertisements that you see in the magazines. Charlie is at the bar in his favorite saloon when in walks Henry.


HENRY: Hello, Charlie! 


CHARLIE: Hello, Henry. Sit down and have a drink. 


HENRY: Oh, thanks, I'll have a shot of Redeye Rye, the favorite among men who demand the fair. This blend of fine whiskies is aged in barrels overnight and costs only a few cents more. ...


CHARLIE: Well, I'll have the same. Henry, you look great. 


HENRY: Yes. (WIMPY) I was tired, irritable, run down. ... (BOOMING) Until I took Vita-Pills, now I feel great! Never better in my life! Lick my weight in wildcats, eat like a horse, full of pep, vim, vigor, new man! I'm stronger--!


CHARLIE: Henry, I'm sold.


HENRY: Good. (WIMPY AGAIN) I was getting tired again. ...


CHARLIE: Say, I'll bet you're looking forward to your vacation this year.


HENRY: Ah, yes indeedy. Last year I took out a vacation savings policy. This splendid policy enables the man who sold it to me to take a two-weeks' vacation at my expense. ...


CHARLIE: And what did you get out of it? 


HENRY: Travel booklets. ...


CHARLIE: Well, I suppose you'll get in some golf. Have you played much lately? 


HENRY: Ah, yes indeedy. I've been using the Eversharp All-Purpose Golf Club which changes heads automatically. ... Just push-pull click-click and you're ready to slice. ...


CHARLIE: Well, if you're going to be out in the sun, Henry, don't get burned. 


HENRY: No, sir. I use genuine Kickapoo Suntan Oil. I mix it with a little mustard and paprika and baste myself every half hour. ... Kickapoo Suntan Oil filters out the beta rays, allows in the gamma rays, keeps out the ionosphere, and lets in the low frequency stuff. 


CHARLIE: Makes an even color? 


HENRY: No, blisters. ...


CHARLIE: Well, your vacation has you smiling in anticipation. And, Henry, your smile is positively dazzling! 


HENRY: Of course! I brush my teeth with Dr. Banana's Tooth Powder. ... It has a secret ingredient which shrinks the lips thereby exposing double the tooth surface. ...


CHARLIE: Well, here's the waiter with our Redeye Rye. Henry, you say it's really good?


HENRY: Charlie, once you taste Redeye Rye, you'll never ask for any other kind. 


CHARLIE: Why not? 


HENRY: It paralyzes the vocal cords. ...


CHARLIE: Well, bottom's up. Down the ha-- (EXHALES, AS VOCAL CORDS ARE PARALYZED)


HENRY: What do you know? It really does.


MUSIC: TRANSITION 


CHARLIE: As a public service, and in the interests of international friendship, we bring you now the gossip column from the Russian newspaper Izvestia and the columnist Dimitri Morganovitch Morgan. Here's his famous column, "Dimitri's Keyhole."


DIMITRI: (RUSSIAN ACCENT, IN THE STYLE OF WALTER WINCHELL) Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Russia and all the-- All the-- So we ain't got no ships at sea. ... Flash! As was exclusively predicted in this column last month, this month is February. ... Flash! I predict a new twosome -- Vasily Vasyervitch Kortikopf was seen with Maria Nazimova Nazikrenko lately; remember their names. ... Flash! The moving pictures colony has discovered a new star -- blonde, petite, and only eighteen years of old. This cutie pie is named Herzegovina Bialystok. She hails from little old Vladivostok. Watch for her in new picture, "The Road to Siberia." ... While we are on subject, what movie star, who has wife, is going around with movie star who has husband? You don't know? Ha! Is maybe your business? ... Say! Next week opens here in Moscow unusual type nightclub, imported direct from New York City, United States America, Fifty-Second Street. Anybody who is everybody is going there. Nowhere seen in Russia we got this. Little room - full of smoke - food no good - prices too high - floor show terrible - real American! ... Well, I got to go to opening, so this is Comrade Morganovitch Morgan's little boy Dimitri saying good night to you, and I do mean tovarich!


MUSIC: CURTAIN


CHARLIE: Strange stories of history! 


MUSIC: FANFARE ... TYMPANI ROLL


HENRY: When George Washington was a boy, on the occasion of his birthday, his father gave him a hatchet as a present. To see how the new hatchet worked, little George went out into the yard and cut down a cherry tree. Later, when his father asked him who had cut down the tree, little George replied, "I cannot tell a lie; the kid next door did it." (BEAT) This story has been cleaned up for kids. ... But Washington never realized that years later, Bernie Green and His Orchestra would do this thing they're gonna do now. Bernie has tossed in jazz, rhumba, conga, something like the Benny Goodman sextet, something of Lombardo and Count Basie -- all based on music by Offenbach. Whoever that is. Bernie calls it "Offenbach on Broadway."


MUSIC: ORCHESTRA PLAYS "OFFENBACH ON BROADWAY"


SOUND: APPLAUSE


HENRY: And here is Uncle Charlie.


CHARLIE: No other safety razor you ever used can compare with an Eversharp Schick Injector. It's the only razor with an automatic blade changer. It gives you a shave so swift, so smooth, so easy, you'll hardly know you've got whiskers. Get your Eversharp Schick Injector Razor tomorrow. Discover for yourself the convenience of its automatic blade changer that changes blades when you need new blades like a machine gun; fast as this. Listen.


SOUND: CLICK! CLICK!


CHARLIE: Hear that double click? A push, a pull, click-click, and you're ready to shave. No blades to unwrap, no cut fingers. The blade automatically locks in the correct shaving position. Moreover, the patented guard bar holds each hair erect so it's cut with maximum closeness. It makes clean, no-nick shaving under nose and lips easy. Eversharp Schick Injector blades are double-thick, hollow ground, honed to superlative keenness. They last longer. For the cleanest, closest, smoothest shaves you've ever known, get an Eversharp Schick Injector Razor at your dealer's tomorrow. It's a dollar seventy-five value; the razor alone made to sell for one dollar, the blades seventy-five cents. Yet it's yours complete -- Eversharp Schick Injector Razor with twenty blades -- for only a dollar and a quarter. Compare! Comparison proves! Use Eversharp Schick Injector Razor for the world's quickest, easiest, cleanest shave!


MUSIC: TRANSITION


SOUND: PHONE RINGS (CALLER'S PERSPECTIVE) ... RECEIVER UP


OPERATOR: Hello?


GERARD: (NEBBISHY) Hello, Hortense. This is Gerard. ...


OPERATOR: You have the operator.


GERARD: I have?


OPERATOR: Yay-es.


GERARD: Well, I don't want her. What happened to Hortense?


OPERATOR: To who-om?


GERARD: To my party.


OPERATOR: Your party is temporarily out of order.


GERARD: She is? Gee, what's the matter with my party?


OPERATOR: Her dial is not working properly. ...


GERARD: Oh. Well, um, how soon will my party be in order again?


OPERATOR: We are not allowed to give out that informay-shee-un.


GERARD: Even if I promise not to tell nobody? ...


OPERATOR: I am sorry.


GERARD: Gee, it sounds serious. Gee, this leaves me in a terrible mess.


OPERATOR: I will give you repa-ir service.


GERARD: I don't need no repairs. My dial's workin'. ... Anyways, I just wanted to find out if she'd go to the Coming Attractions Theatre with me.


OPERATOR: I will give you Informay-shee-un.


GERARD: Hey, wait, um-- Operator?


OPERATOR: Yay-es?


GERARD: Maybe you'd like to step out with me tonight and we--


OPERATOR: I will give you a slap in the fay-yes. ...


GERARD: Gee, she didn't acquiesce.


SOUND: RECEIVER DOWN


HENRY: Well, it's too bad that Hortense and Gerard won't be going to the Coming Attractions Theatre tonight. There's a very good bill. Let's see, they're showing the coming attractions of "The Yearling," "The Dark Mirror," "Caesar and Cleopatra," "The Killers," "Lassie," "Son of Lassie," "Return of Lassie," "Lassie Joins the Navy," ... "The Razor's Edge," "The Bride Wore White" and selected shorts. ... They're showing the best parts of twenty million dollars worth of pictures for only sixty cents, their true value. The average American spends one hundred and twenty hours a year at the movies or enough time to recover from a serious illness. All this time can be saved at the Coming Attractions Theatre. Professor, start the reel. 


MUSIC: FANFARE


ANNOUNCER #3: Coming Mon, Tues, Weds! Sensaysh pic!


CHARLIE: Mightier than "Mutiny on the Bounty"!


ANNOUNCER #2: More thrilling than "Two Years Before the Mast"!


ANNOUNCER #3: A saga of desperate men on a whaling boat! Don't miss--


MUSIC: FANFARE


GERARD: (VERY WIMPY) "Blubber." ...


ANNOUNCER #3: "Blubber" was produced by Repulsive Pictures, makers of repulsive pictures.


ANNOUNCER #2: Thrilling scenes as the whaling boat crosses the turbulent ocean with its precious cargo of -- blubber. You'll see the ruthless captain, Beast Morgan, ruling his crew with an iron hand!


MATE: Captain Morgan! Man overboard! Man overboard!


MORGAN: (FRUITY BRITISH ACCENT) Is he an officer?


MATE: No!


MORGAN: Full speed ahead! ...


MATE: But, Beast! That's the second man today who has washed overboard!


MORGAN: Time someone washed on this ship. 


MATE: After all, Beast -- you know we're not pigs! We're not swine! We're human beings!


MORGAN: Mister Worcestershire! That's an exaggeration. ...


CHARLIE: The Atlantic and Pacific Oceans used in this picture were borrowed from the United States Navy. ...


ANNOUNCER #2: One beautiful girl on board, surrounded by forty desperate love-starved men. She's always enchanting, always exciting, always running. ...


SADIE: Beast!


MORGAN: What is it, Sadie?


SADIE: The men -- they're threatenin' mutiny! They'll kill ya!


MORGAN: Kill meh? ... I ought to slap your face for that. 


SADIE: Don't let them kill ya, Beast. I love ya!


MORGAN: Love meh? ... I ought to slap your face for that. But you're beautiful, Sadie. Come here and let me--


SADIE: I ought to slap your face for that! ...


MORGAN: You little she-devil. I feel like throwing you to the sharks.


SADIE: Then why don't ya?!


SOUND: SPLASH! AS SADIE IS THROWN TO THE SHARKS


MORGAN: Maybe I should have just slapped her face. ... 


CHARLIE: Well, that washes up Sadie and we've just saved you twenty minutes -- or enough time to write your Congressman to keep rent control.


ANNOUNCER #3: The picture "Blubber" is based on a help wanted ad in the New York Times! ... 


ANNOUNCER #2: Beast Morgan was the terror of the seven seas! And others. In scenes like these--


MORGAN: Mister Worcestershire! Come here!


MATE: (APPROACHES) Yeah, Beast?!


MORGAN: Orders for the day. 


MATE: Yeah?


MORGAN: Every man gets twenty lashes for breakfast with milk. ... Hang the third mate from the yardarm; give the ship class. Haul down the skull-and-bones; put up new ones.


MATE: Well, where am I gonna get a new skull-and-bones?


MORGAN: Use the third mate's. ...


MATE: You're a beast, Beast! ... But you're a great sailor!


MORGAN: Thenk yew, Mister Worcestershire. Come here and I'll carve my initials on your chest. ...


CHARLIE: Brute force meets brute force as violence sweeps the ship! The first time the ship has been swept. ...


MORGAN: Mister Worcestershire! Come here!


MATE: No! ...


MORGAN: Mister Worcestershire, what does this mean?


MATE: This ship is our'n.


MORGAN: Your'n?


MATE: Yes, our'n!


CREW: Our'n! Our'n! Our'n!


ANNOUNCER #3: These desperate sailors had wills of our'n! ...


MATE: Beast! We want that blubber!


MORGAN: That's my blubber.


MATE: Come on, Morgan, where do you keep the blubber?


MORGAN: I don't know. Am I my blubber's keeper? ... Boo. What else do you men want?


MATE: This ship is in danger! The mice are deserting it!


MORGAN: You mean we're sinking?


MATE: No, they refuse to eat the food. ...


MORGAN: Mr. Springbottom, come here.


2ND MATE: Yeah, Beast?


MORGAN: Mr. Springbottom, is this mutiny?


2ND MATE: Uh, M-U-T-I-N-- Yeah, it's mutiny.


MUSIC: ACCENT


ANNOUNCER #2: You'll thrill at the sight of men fighting a storm at sea!


SOUND: WIND AND STORM BACKGROUND


MATE: It's a nor'-by-nor'easter! 


2ND MATE: It's a sou'-easter!


EFFEMINATE MAN: (GAILY) It's Easter!


MORGAN: Shall we color eggs?! ...


MATE: Captain! Captain, land ahead!


MORGAN: What?


MATE: Land ahead!


MORGAN: I can't hear you!


SOUND: THUNDEROUS CRASH! AS SHIP RUNS AGROUND ... NOISES OUT


MATE: Land underneath. ...


ANNOUNCER #3: You'll never see another picture like "Blubber"!


MORGAN: And that's a promise. ...


ANNOUNCER #2: See this thrilling drama packed with chills, thrills, and--


ANNOUNCER #3: Blubber!


GERARD: --at the Henry Morgan Theatre of Coming Attractions. 


MUSIC: CURTAIN


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: HENRY'S THEME ... "FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW" ... PAUSES FOR--


HENRY: (HUMS ALONG BRIEFLY WITH ABOVE; THEN--) Morgan'll be on this same corner in front of the cigar store again next week at this same time.


MUSIC: HENRY'S THEME CONCLUDES 


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: EVERSHARP THEME ... THEN IN BG UNTIL END--


CHARLIE: Eversharp, manufacturers of Eversharp Schick Injector Razors and Blades invites you to tune in -- same time, same station, next week -- when Eversharp will again bring you THE HENRY MORGAN SHOW. 


SOUND: APPLAUSE


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