Microphone Plays‎ > ‎

Aunt Clara, Kangaroo

The Hinds Honey and Almond Cream Program (Burns and Allen)

Aunt Clara, Kangaroo

May 05 1940



CAST:

GRACIE ALLEN, daffy comedienne

GEORGE BURNS, her straight man; disbelieving, dry, and sarcastic

TRUMAN BRADLEY, announcer; smooth

FRANK PARKER, singer; needling

RAY NOBLE, bandleader; silly romantic Englishman

DRIVER, of cab

OFFICER, of the law

MAMIE

COP

VOICE, at train station

CLERK

BUBBLES, bubbly and sweet

LAURA, the kangaroo, who grunts and gurgles

and a singing CHORUS




TRUMAN: Hell-lotion, my friends! "The Hinds Honey and Almond Cream Program"!


MUSIC: ACCOMPANIES "VOTE FOR GRACIE" SUNG BY CHORUS ... THEN BEHIND TRUMAN--


CHORUS: (SINGS)

Vote for Gracie! Vote for Gracie!

She's the best little skipper in the land!

Vote for Gracie! Vote for Gracie!

Won't you please give this little girl a hand? [X]

Even big politicians don't know what to do.

Gracie doesn't know either, but neither do you.


TRUMAN: (STARTS AT [X] ABOVE) Starring George Burns and "Hinds Honey" Gracie Allen, with Frank Parker, Ray Noble and His Orchestra, and Truman Bradley speaking.


CHORUS: (SINGS)

So vote for Gracie

To win the presidential racie.


GRACIE: (SINGS) A hundred million strong!

That's right, you can't go wrong!

My friends! 

Keep voting all day long!


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: SONG ENDS


GEORGE: Thank you. Thank you very much.


GRACIE: Hello. ...


GEORGE: Well, Gracie, this is probably the biggest moment in your career. Right after the broadcast we're leaving for your convention.


GRACIE: Oh, yes.


GEORGE: Well, what do you think about it?


GRACIE: Well, in the first place, it's surprising.


GEORGE: Well, it's-- What's surprising in the first place?


GRACIE: The Brooklyn Dodgers. ...


GEORGE: The Brooklyn Dodgers? [APPLAUSE FOR THE DODGERS] Well, uh, aren't ya thrilled? The train goes to Omaha in forty-five minutes.


GRACIE: Oh, that's wonderful.


GEORGE: Certainly it's wonderful.


GRACIE: Used to take two days. ...


GEORGE: Are you--? Are you excited about all this?


GRACIE: Oh, I'll say! This morning I was so excited that I took a bath in the bathtub and ate breakfast in the breakfast room. ...


GEORGE: What's so unusual about that?


GRACIE: Well, I usually do just the opposite. ...


GEORGE: If Omaha's listening in, I'd like to tell them that I've got a headache and I'm bringing her with me.


GRACIE: Yeah, and I'm going, too!


GEORGE: Good, good, good. ... Incidentally, Ray, are all your boys packed?


RAY: Oh, rather -- yes.


GEORGE: Are your musicians taking their wives with them?


RAY: No, only their instruments, old man.


GEORGE: Only their instruments?


RAY: Oh, yes. They'd be very lonely in Omaha without their instruments, you know. ...


GEORGE: Isn't even the flute player taking his fife?


GRACIE: Oh, please, George! ... (CHUCKLES)


RAY: Say, Gracie?


GRACIE: Yeah?


RAY: Got a present for you.


GRACIE: Again?


GEORGE: Every week he's got a present.


SOUND: GIFT UNWRAPPED


GRACIE: Oh, Ray, it's beautiful!


RAY: Oh, it's nothing. Just a little something to throw over your shoulders.


GRACIE: (SIGHS)


GEORGE: What is it?


GRACIE: Confetti. ...


GEORGE: Well, wear it in good health.


GRACIE: Thanks.


GEORGE: Frank and Truman, are you all set to go?


TRUMAN: Sure, my bags are outside by the elevator.


FRANK: Yeah, so are mine, Mr. Vice President.


GEORGE: Frank, I'm not the Vice President.


FRANK: I don't know, you look like a Garner to me. ...


GEORGE: Frank, you know-- [APPLAUSE FOR PUN ON FDR'S VP JOHN NANCE GARNER] Frank is almost as funny as a temporary filling.


FRANK: Ah, ha ha ha. Ain't it the tooth? Ain't it the--? ...


GEORGE: Well, let's see -- I checked the trunks, the bags are by the elevator, Gracie's got the tickets--


GRACIE: I'd still have them, too, if I didn't meet that man.


GEORGE: So right after the broad-- (DOUBLE TAKE) Man? What man?


GRACIE: Now, don't get excited, George. You see, I was standing in front of--


GEORGE: Gracie? Gracie? Don't tell me you haven't got the tickets.


GRACIE: Why? Aren't you interested? ...


GEORGE: Look, I gave you tickets for Salt Lake City and Omaha. Where are they?


GRACIE: Well, Salt Lake City's in Utah and Omaha's in Nebraska! ...


GEORGE: Gracie, where are the tickets?


GRACIE: Well, what happened was, I was standing in front of the studio listening to two people talking like I always do when I'm minding my own business---


GEORGE: I know, I know, I know.


GRACIE: ---and a man came over and he tipped his hat and his toupee fell off and he said--


GEORGE: I'm not interested in the man's toupee!


GRACIE: Oh, sure, it's no hair off your head. ...


GEORGE: What happened?


GRACIE: Oh. Well, so he said, "Aren't you that pretty little Gracie Allen?" And of course he had me there!


GEORGE: Yes, [?] bias a little bit. ...


GRACIE: And then he said, uh, "If you're elected president, are you going to enlarge the navy?" And I said, "Enlarge the navy? They can hardly get into those tight trousers now!" (CHUCKLES) ... And when he turned--


GEORGE: Gracie, where are the tickets?


TRUMAN: I don't want to rush you, George, but if you want to make that train, we gotta leave this studio in twelve minutes.


GEORGE: Gracie, where are the tickets? (ASIDE, TO TRUMAN) I know that.


RAY: I say, George, will I have time to say goodbye to my musicians before we leave?


GEORGE: Goodbye to your musicians? I thought you were taking 'em with ya.


RAY: Well, no. Their wives won't let them go unless they take them along.


GEORGE: Well, that's simple. Let their wives go along.


RAY: Well, then the musicians won't go, old boy. ...


GEORGE: Gracie, where are the tickets?


GRACIE: Say, George? Wanna hear a laugh?


GEORGE: Yeah.


GRACIE: (BURSTS OUT LAUGHING) ... 


GEORGE: Look, I'm slowly going out of my mind.


TRUMAN: You've got eleven minutes, George. ...


GEORGE: Gracie, where are those tickets?


GRACIE: Well, my little nephew won't need a ticket.


GEORGE: Good.


GRACIE: I packed him inside my suitcase.


GEORGE: Gracie--? You packed him inside the suitcase?


GRACIE: Well, that's the only way I could close it. While I pushed from the outside, he pulled down from the inside. ...


GEORGE: Try to understand this--


GRACIE: But, uh, when I locked it, I left one of his hands sticking out.


GEORGE: You left one of his hands sticking out?


GRACIE: Yeah, so he could carry the suitcase. ...


GEORGE: Gracie, who did you give the tickets to?!


GRACIE: The man in front of the studio.


GEORGE: What did he look like?!


GRACIE: He looked like he wanted the tickets. ...


GEORGE: Well, maybe he's still there. (MOVING OFF) I'm gonna go out and try to find him.


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES AS GEORGE EXITS


FRANK: Losing those tickets, Gracie, has certainly gotten us in a terrible mess.


TRUMAN: Yes, it has.


GRACIE: Well, Laura, my kangaroo, 's in a terrible mess, too.


TRUMAN: Your kangaroo?


GRACIE: Yeah, they won't let me take her on the train.


RAY: But, Gracie, we can't go to your convention without her. She's your Surprise Party emblem.


TRUMAN: Why didn't you box her and put her in the baggage car?


GRACIE: Well, we tried to, but she boxed right back. She's a boxing kangaroo, you know. ...


FRANK: Ohhh. Gee, that's awful. Yeah.


GRACIE: Awful? She knocked out the baggage man with one blow.


FRANK: Where did she hit him?


GRACIE: In the caboose. ...


FRANK: Well, uh, what are we gonna do?


GRACIE: Oh, well, don't worry, I've got it all fixed. Bubbles is gonna meet us at the station and she's got my kangaroo dressed up like a woman.


FRANK: No!


GRACIE: Yes! With a hat and veil, a long black coat, and everything.


FRANK: (CHUCKLES) Is her tail covered?


GRACIE: Yeah, but only for fire and theft. ... And you guys'll have to help me get her on the train.


FRANK: (UNEASY) Ah, did you say she was a boxing kangaroo?


GRACIE: (YES) Uh huh.


FRANK: Let Truman do it.


TRUMAN: No, let Frank do it.


RAY: Now, wait a minute, boys. I've got an idea. Let's get George to do it.


GRACIE,

TRUMAN

& FRANK: (MURMUR ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT) Oh, yeah, yeah.


GRACIE: And we'll tell him it's my Aunt Clara.


TRUMAN: Sure, he'll be glad to help an old lady.


FRANK: (LAUGHS) Especially when she kicks him in the face!


GRACIE,

TRUMAN

& RAY: (LAUGH APPRECIATIVELY) Yeah.


SOUND: DOOR CLOSES AS GEORGE ENTERS


GEORGE: Well, I couldn't find the man with the tickets.


GRACIE: Say, George, um, while you were out, my Aunt Clara phoned that she's going to Omaha with us.


GEORGE: To Omaha?


GRACIE: Uh huh.


GEORGE: That's a long hop for an old lady.


GRACIE: Oh, well, she won't mind it. She's been hopping around for years. ...


GEORGE: Gracie, what about the tickets?


GRACIE: Say, George, will you help my Aunt Clara on the train?


GEORGE: (NO) You can count me out!


FRANK: We probably will. ...


GRACIE: (SWEETLY) Georgie? Will you help my Aunt Clara on the train?


GEORGE: (RELENTS) Well, all right, I'll help her.


GRACIE: Thanks.


RAY: You'll love Aunt Clara, old man. You'll get a big bang out of her. ...


GEORGE: (UNCARING) All right, so I'll get a bang out of her.


RAY: Right in the caboose. ...


GEORGE: (ANNOYED) Gracie, how could you give a strange man the tickets?!


GRACIE: He wanted to see the broadcast.


GEORGE: Well, why give him the railroad tickets?!


GRACIE: I didn't! Here they are.


GEORGE: You mean you had the railroad tickets?!


GRACIE: Sure!


GEORGE: Then why did you let me worry like this?!


GRACIE: Oh, well, I thought you were worrying about getting into the broadcast!


GEORGE: (WEARY EXCLAMATION)


SOUND: APPLAUSE


TRUMAN: Announcing the big hand lotion special of Nineteen Forty: Hinds Autograph Special, the big dollar size of Hinds Honey and Almond Cream for only forty-nine cents. Think of it: Hinds' dollar-size bottle less than half-price! This is the first time Hinds has ever made this nationwide offer. That big family-size Hinds is always an economical buy at a dollar, but now it's twice as good a buy. You save over fifty cents, you get over twice the quantity for your money, and, in addition, you get a Gracie Allen autograph right on the bottle, and it's detachable. This Hinds Autograph Special is being featured right in your own neighborhood, so go to any toilet goods counter and ask for Hinds Autograph Special, the big dollar size for only forty-nine cents. Stock up now for the whole family, so that you'll have plenty of fragrant creamy Hinds on hand to soothe chapped hands, tender faces, and sunburned skin. This Hinds Autograph Special is too good a bargain to miss, especially since it's Hinds, the extra creamy, extra softening lotion that's famous for softer, smoother hands. (BEAT) Now here is Frank Parker.


MUSIC: BEHIND FRANK--


FRANK: Thanks, Tru. Tonight I'm going to sing Cole Porter's outstanding number "Begin the Beguine."


MUSIC: ACCOMPANIES FRANK AS HE SINGS PORTER'S "BEGIN THE BEGUINE"


SOUND: APPLAUSE ... CITY TRAFFIC BACKGROUND


GEORGE: Well, come on, everybody! Let's get into the cab!


GRACIE: Come on, Ray.


TRUMAN: Okay, here we go.


FRANK: Hey! Hey, wait for me! Say, do you think Truman and I can squeeze in this cab?


GRACIE: Why, Frank, I didn't know you two cared.


GEORGE: Quiet. ... Come on, get in!


SOUND: CAB DOOR SHUTS


GEORGE: Driver, Union Station!


DRIVER: Okay.


SOUND: DRIVING CAB BACKGROUND


GEORGE: (WHISTLES IN DISBELIEF) I think I'm going screwy.


TRUMAN: You've got eight minutes, George. ...


GEORGE: Step on it, driver!


GRACIE: Oh, uh, don't forget, George -- you're taking care of my Aunt Clara.


GEORGE: Okay.


GRACIE: You know, she's rather nervous, so don't mind if she's a bit jumpy. 


GEORGE: Well, don't worry. I know how to take care of old ladies.


GRACIE: Aunt Clara, you know, just finished a picture.


GEORGE: What picture?


GRACIE: "Hopalong Cassidy." ...


GEORGE: Say, driver, are you sure this is the way to Union Station?!


DRIVER: (SULKY) Ohhhhhh, I'll have to turn around.


SOUND: CAB SQUEALS TO A STOP 


DRIVER: I thought you said Bureau of Immigration! ...


GEORGE: Bureau of Immigration?! Do I look like an immigrant?


FRANK: You're wide open for a crack, brother!


GEORGE: (DISMISSIVE) Oh!


SOUND: DRIVING CAB BACKGROUND


RAY: George, would you mind opening the window?


GEORGE: Why, Ray?


RAY: Well, I want to look inside the cab. ...


GEORGE: Look inside the cab? Well, where are ya?


RAY: Standing out here on the running board.


GEORGE: This cab hasn't got a running board!


RAY: Really? Well, don't tell the driver. He [?] terribly. ...


GEORGE: Get in here!


SOUND: CAB DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS


GEORGE: (MUTTERS, TO HIMSELF) Wonder how long you have to study to become an imbecile.


TRUMAN: You've got seven minutes, George. ...


GEORGE: Driver, are we getting near the Union Station?!


DRIVER: (SULKY) Ohhhhhh, I missed it again!


SOUND: CAB SQUEALS TO A STOP 


DRIVER: I thought you people wanted to see "The Birth of a Nation."


GEORGE: (EXPLODES) "Birth of a Nation"?! ... Get going! Get going!


SOUND: DRIVING CAB BACKGROUND


GRACIE: Say, George, are you sure you've never seen my Aunt Clara?


GEORGE: I've never seen her.


GRACIE: Oh, well, you can't miss her. She has on one of those bustles.


GEORGE: Well, what does it look like?


GRACIE: Well, um-- Oh, it's a long tale. ...


GEORGE: Well, then you can tell me some other time.


GRACIE: Yes.


FRANK: Oh, she's beautiful, George -- beautiful eyes, beautiful teeth, beautiful nose, and, boy, what leaps!


GEORGE: "What leaps"?!


GRACIE: My Aunt Clara.


GEORGE: Your Aunt Clara leaps?


GRACIE: No, no -- she sleeps!


GEORGE: Sleeps?


GRACIE: She - she creeps!


GEORGE: Creeps? What kind of a--?


GRACIE: She creeps in her sleep. I mean, she lisps. That's what she does. She lisps. ...


GEORGE: Oh, she has an impediment?


GRACIE: Yeah, but she traded it in for a Buick. ...


GEORGE: (MUTTERS, TO HIMSELF) Wonder how long a person can live without brains.


TRUMAN: You've got six minutes, George. ...


GEORGE: Driver, are you sure this is the way to Union Station?!


DRIVER: (SULKY) Ohhhhhh, I bet you people despise me! ...


SOUND: CAB SQUEALS TO A STOP 


DRIVER: I thought you said Rooney's Plantation!


GEORGE: (EXPLODES) Rooney's Plan--?! ... Get going! Why would I say "Rooney's Plantation"? Faster! Fast--!


SOUND: DRIVING CAB BACKGROUND ... POLICE SIREN APPROACHES


GEORGE: Oh, nuts.


SOUND: VEHICLES PULL TO A STOP BEHIND--


OFFICER: (STERN) All right, pull over there! Pull over there!


GEORGE: We weren't doing anything, officer!


OFFICER: I know it!


GEORGE: Then why did you stop us?


OFFICER: (BASHFUL) I'm lonesome. ...


GEORGE: Well, I'll call ya up sometime. Go ahead, driver!


SOUND: DRIVING CAB BACKGROUND


GRACIE: Say, George, have you got all my campaign speeches that I'm going to make on the trip?


GEORGE: Yeah, I've got 'em right here in my coat pocket.


GRACIE: Well, don't lose 'em; I've got sandwiches wrapped up in them. ...


GEORGE: Sandwiches?


GRACIE: Yeah, Swiss cheese sandwiches.


GEORGE: How can you make a speech while you're eating a Swiss cheese sandwich?


GRACIE: Well, I can talk through the holes. ...


GEORGE: Why can't I think of those things?


GRACIE: I've got an apple for you, George.


GEORGE: Driver, step on it!


GRACIE: Why? Do you like applesauce better?


GEORGE: Quiet, quiet. ...


RAY: George, can you keep a secret?


GEORGE: Yes.


RAY: Those sandwiches in your pocket have mayonnaise in them.


GEORGE: Mayonnaise? How do you know?


RAY: Just leaked out. ...


GEORGE: Ray, will you cut it out? You've got a whole lifetime to make a fool of yourself.


TRUMAN: You've only got five minutes, George. ...


GEORGE: Driver, you're going the wrong way again!


DRIVER: (SULKY) Ohhhhhh, I'll just hate myself in the morning! ...


SOUND: CAB SQUEALS TO A STOP 


GEORGE: Hurry! Hurry!


SOUND: DRIVING CAB BACKGROUND


FRANK: Say, George, if you've never met Aunt Clara, you've got a kick coming!


GEORGE: A kick?


GRACIE: Yeah, in the caboose. ...


GEORGE: Caboose? What's this "caboose"?


GRACIE: Oh, caboose? Um, that's my little nephew's name.


GEORGE: His name?


GRACIE: Yes, of course, we only call him Caboose for short. His whole name is Nin-com-boose.


GEORGE: Oh, Nin-com-boose? Yes. ... Must be a smart kid.


GRACIE: Well, he was born with a graaaaaaaay hair.


GEORGE: With a gray hair?


GRACIE: Yeah. (CHUCKLES)


GEORGE: A lot of gray hair or just one? Nephew was born with gray hair?


GRACIE: Yeah, we come from a very oooooold family.


GEORGE: Yes. ... From a very oooooold script, yes, yes.


SOUND: CAB SQUEALS TO A STOP 


GEORGE: Now what's he stopping for?!


DRIVER: (CALLS) Hey, Mamie?! Mamie!


GEORGE: Who is he hollering up to?


SOUND: WINDOW SLIDES OPEN, OFF


MAMIE: (OFF) What is it, Orson?! ...


DRIVER: I'm driving these people to the Union Station and they don't know where it is!


GEORGE: We don't know where it is.


MAMIE: (OFF) Who are they?!


DRIVER: Hinds Honey and Almond Cream people!


MAMIE: (OFF) Hinds Honey and Almond Cream? What's that?


TRUMAN: (OFFENDED, FAST) What's that? It's the best hand lotion that money can buy! It makes rough red hands soft, smooth, and white!


GEORGE: Tell her.


TRUMAN: You can get it at any toilet goods counter in ten, twenty-five, fifty cent and dollar sizes! That's what it is!


GEORGE: Atta boy.


MAMIE: (OFF) You know everything, don't ya?!


TRUMAN: Why, certainly!


MAMIE: (OFF) Then if you're so smart, why ain't ya drivin' a cab?! ...


GEORGE: Come on, driver -- step on it!


MAMIE: (OFF) Orson?! Did ya have the car fixed yet?!


DRIVER: No, it's runnin' pretty good!


MAMIE: (OFF) What about the jerks?!


DRIVER: They're goin' to the Union Station!


GEORGE: We hope so! ... [APPLAUSE] Come on, get started! 


SOUND: DRIVING CAB BACKGROUND


GEORGE: We'll never get to the Union Station!


GRACIE: Oh, yes, we will. And then you'll meet my Aunt Clara.


GEORGE: Can't wait.


GRACIE: You know, the people next door to my aunt's house once put up a twenty-foot fence to shut out her view.


GEORGE: Was your aunt sore?


GRACIE: Yeah, but she got over it. ...


GEORGE: Well, just two more blocks and we're there.


SOUND: POLICE WHISTLE ... CAB SQUEALS TO A STOP BEHIND--


GEORGE: Well, that's fine. Now it's a traffic cop.


COP: (STERN) Hey, you with the big nose -- didn't you see me put up my hand?


DRIVER: No.


COP: Didn't any of ya see me?


GEORGE, 

GRACIE,

& OTHERS: (ALL MURMUR "NO")


GEORGE: No, we didn't see you.


COP: (LIKE A CHILD, STAMPS HIS FOOT) Darn it! Nobody pays any attention to me! Waaahhhh! I might as well go home! ...


GEORGE: Come on! Step on it, step on it!


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: RAY NOBLE'S ORCHESTRA PLAYS A SWINGING INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF A POP SONG


SOUND: APPLAUSE ... TRAIN STATION BACKGROUND


VOICE: Union Pacific Challenger leaving on Track Five for Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Sun Valley, Denver, Chicago, and all points east!


GEORGE: Oh, what trouble, but we finally made it!


GRACIE: Yes. I'm going to get a magazine. And, Truman--?


TRUMAN: Yes? 


GRACIE: Will you run over to the information desk and explain to Bubbles that George is going to take care of my Aunt Clara?


TRUMAN: Sure, I get it. I'll explain everything.


GRACIE: Good!


CLERK: What is it, miss?


GRACIE: Uh, a copy of "Radio Guide," please.


CLERK: Here you are.


GRACIE: Oh, my, what a pretty girl on the cover. She looks familiar, though. Oh, I know I've met her someplace.


CLERK: Miss, that happens to be Gracie Allen.


GRACIE: Oh, her! What's she got that I haven't got? ...


GEORGE: Say, that was a double picture and they left me out of it. What ever happened to my face?


GRACIE: Yeah! What ever happened to it? Looks like you fell on it.


GEORGE: Ah, doesn't look good. ... Say, clerk--?


CLERK: Yes, sir?


GEORGE: Eh, give me a "This Week," a "Life," a "Pic," and a "Look."


FRANK: Say, George do you want a "Click"?


GEORGE: Yes.


FRANK: Well, stop singin' "Ain't Misbehavin'," brother!


GEORGE: Oh, quiet, quiet. ...


CLERK: Here are your magazines, sir.


GEORGE: Thanks.


RAY: I say, would you sell me some cigarettes for the boys in my band?


CLERK: Camels?


RAY: Only the drummer. The rest are musicians. ...


VOICE: Board! Train leaving on Track Four for South Carolina, South Dakota, South Bend, and (SINGS) "South of the Border, down Mexico way--!" ... [APPLAUSE FOR THE RECENT POP HIT]


GEORGE: Well, come on, everybody, we better go.


GRACIE: Oh! Oh, there's Bubbles!


GEORGE: Bubbles? Where?


VOICE: Pulling in on Track Six! ...


GEORGE: Oh, hello, Bubbles.


BUBBLES: Well, Gracie, I've got your Aunt Clara standing over there with Truman.


GRACIE: Say, Bubbles, you've got on too much mascara.


BUBBLES: Mascara? This is a black eye! ...


GEORGE: Well, how did ya get a black eye?


BUBBLES: I was dancing with Aunt Clara and she hit me in the eye with her bustle! ...


GEORGE: With her bustle?!


BUBBLES: And, boy, does she swing it! ...


GEORGE: (STUNNED) Wait! My goodness, Gracie -- don't tell me that's your Aunt Clara over there! 


GRACIE: Yes.


GEORGE: Why is she bent over like that?


GRACIE: Well, er-- Well, ya see, she used to be a contortionist and she was in the middle of her act when vaudeville went out. ...


GEORGE: Well, she certainly looks funny.


GRACIE: Oh, here they are. Hello, Auntie!


TRUMAN: Here, Gracie, you take care of your Aunt Clara.


GRACIE: All right.


LAURA: (GURGLES) Errr! ...


GEORGE: (PUZZLED) Well, what's - what's this?


GRACIE: Oh, Aunt Clara, this is George Burns.


LAURA: Er! Er! ...


GEORGE: Maybe it's something she ate. Is something wrong?


GRACIE: Well, uh-- (CLEARS THROAT) She's got a cold.


GEORGE: Oh. She's a little hoarse, huh?


FRANK: No, but you're getting pretty warm, brother. ...


LAURA: Er! (GURGLES)


GEORGE: She - she sounds like she used to be with Shep Fields.


GRACIE: (CHUCKLES) ... [APPLAUSE FOR JOKE ABOUT A ONCE-FAMOUS BANDLEADER WHOSE SIGNATURE SOUND EFFECT WAS GURGLING BUBBLES]


GRACIE: Oh, come on, George -- shake hands with Aunt Clara!


GEORGE: Well-- How do you do, Aunt Clara?


LAURA: (GURGLES, GRUNTS)


SOUND: CRUNCH! LAURA CRUSHES GEORGE'S HAND


GEORGE: Ouch! She pretty near broke my hand. She's very strong.


GRACIE: Well, she ought to be. For years she's been punching her bag. ...


GEORGE: My hand feels like a hamburger.


LAURA: (GRUNTS)


SOUND: LAURA HOPS UP AND DOWN


GRACIE: Oh, now, Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, take it easy.


LAURA: (GRUNTS, GURGLES) ...


GEORGE: What makes her jump up and down like that?


RAY: Well, you see, old boy, she was born a bouncing baby girl and she never got over it. ...


LAURA: (GURGLES)


GEORGE: Well, come on, Aunt Clara, I'll put you on the train.


LAURA: (GRUNTS)


SOUND: LAURA HOPS UP AND DOWN, THEN VIOLENTLY DRAGS GEORGE OFF


GEORGE: (MOVING OFF) Wait a minute!


GRACIE: (MERRILY) Wheeee! There they go! ... [APPLAUSE]


FRANK: Aunt Clara's out in front!


GRACIE: [?] second!


BUBBLES: Well, now, come on, come on! We better get on the train!


GRACIE: Say, Bubbles, I've never seen my kangaroo act this way before. Are you sure you fed her?


BUBBLES: She ate a half a bale of hay.


GRACIE: Well, did she like it?


BUBBLES: Like it? She ate my half, too! ...


GRACIE: Well, we better get started.


TRUMAN: We're all ready to go. Say, where's George?


SOUND: CRASH! OF BROKEN GLASS


GRACIE: Oh! George is on the train! (CHUCKLES)


SOUND: CRASH! OF BROKEN GLASS


GRACIE: Ha ha! Laura's on the train! 


SOUND: CRASH! OF BROKEN GLASS


GRACIE: (CHUCKLES) George is off the train! ...


FRANK: Say, George? George, are you hurt?


GEORGE: Only - only in the caboose. ... (UNHAPPY) Well, that was a swell joke. Aunt Clara-- Why, that's the kangaroo!


GRACIE: Awwwwww, somebody told you!


GEORGE: Hmm. ...


VOICE: All aboard for Omaha!


GEORGE: Well, come on, everybody. Let's get on the train.


SOUND: THE CAST MURMURS AS IT BOARDS THE TRAIN, WHICH STARTS TO PULL OUT OF STATION ... THEN TRAIN INTERIOR BACKGROUND


GEORGE: Oh, well. (LOW) Now, listen, fellas. 


FRANK: What?


GEORGE: You've gotta help me put Laura-- Gotta help me put that kangaroo in an upper.


TRUMAN: Okay.


FRANK: I thought she had a lower.


GRACIE: Yeah, but her baby's sleeping in that.


GEORGE: Hm. ... Well, come on, boys. Now, help me.


FRANK: Okay.


GEORGE: Well, there she is. Get a hold of her, Truman!


TRUMAN: Okay!


SOUND: BOINK! OF WOOD BLOCK


TRUMAN: (IN PAIN) Oh! 


LAURA: Errrrr!


GEORGE: Well, she knocked out Truman. Grab her, Frank!


FRANK: I got her!


SOUND: BOINK! OF WOOD BLOCK


FRANK: (IN PAIN) Oooh!


LAURA: Errrrr!


GEORGE: She knocked out Frank! Come here, Laura!


SOUND: BOINK! OF WOOD BLOCK


GEORGE: (IN PAIN) Ouch!


LAURA: Errrrr!


GRACIE: Ha ha! She knocked out George!


LAURA: (GURGLES)


SOUND: BOINK! BOINK! OF WOOD BLOCK


GRACIE: Oh! Well, Laura knocked herself out! (LAUGHS) ...


RAY: You know, Gracie, this is the first time you and I have ever been alone.


GRACIE: (ROMANTIC) Ohhhh! ... I know. 


RAY: Do you ever think of having a husband all your own?


GRACIE: Well, that's part of my life I'd rather not talk about.


RAY: Why? Did he and you quarrel?


GRACIE: No. 


RAY: Was he killed?


GRACIE: No.


RAY: Well, what happened?


GRACIE: He married Carole Lombard. ... Ray, did you ever think of getting married?


RAY: Yes, but I only make twenty dollars a week.


GRACIE: Well, that's enough. A week passes very quickly when you're in love. ...


RAY: You know, my drummer's a very lucky man.


GRACIE: Whyyy?


RAY: Well, he's got a wife and a cigarette lighter, and they both work. ...


SOUND: TRAIN WHISTLE


GRACIE: (SIGHS) That's the first robin I've heard this spring. ... Ray, do you mind if I move a little closer to you?


RAY: I wish you would. This time of night I always get a little chilly. ...


GRACIE: When the train stops in Pasadena we'll get a bowl.


RAY: With beans?


GRACIE: No. With you.


RAY: Mm hm. ... Say, Gracie, I know a joke about Spanish food.


GRACIE: Well, why don't you tell it?


RAY: (CHUCKLES) Oh, no, I can't. It's too spicy. (CHUCKLES) ...


GRACIE: I love Spanish food.


RAY: Would you like an enchilada?


GRACIE: Yeah, but let's eat first. ...


RAY: I say, Gracie -- I'd like to whisper something in your ear.


GRACIE: What is it?


RAY: (LOW, ROMANTIC) Potatoes are now twelve cents a pound.


GRACIE: (CHARMED) Ohhhh. May I whisper something in your ear?


RAY: Mm hm. What?


GRACIE: (LOW, ROMANTIC) So are you. ...


RAY: I say, Gracie -- do you like big weddings or little ones?


GRACIE: Well, without big weddings you can't have little ones. ... 


SOUND: APPLAUSE


TRUMAN: Are you going to be married this spring? Then here's a tip that will help your wedding day be a perfect one indeed. Start using Hinds Honey and Almond Cream right now. Then when he slips the ring over your finger, your hands will look smooth, lovely, and feel thrilling to his touch -- for Hinds Honey and Almond Cream is extra creamy, extra softening and contains two vitamins, A and D. Faithful daily use of Hinds helps keep your hands smooth and pretty in spite of rough, chapping household jobs. And right now is your opportunity to stock up on Hinds Honey and Almond Cream at an astonishing saving. Go to the nearest toilet goods counter and ask for Hinds Autograph Special, the big dollar size Hinds Honey and Almond Cream for only forty-nine cents! Now just think -- you save more than half-price on this dollar size Hinds. This offer is good for a limited time only, so get your Hinds Autograph Special now while the getting's good. The big dollar size Hinds for only forty-nine cents. And remember, too -- with this family size Hinds, you also get a Gracie Allen autograph. It's right on the bottle and it's detachable. Ask for Hinds Autograph Special tonight! And use your Hinds faithfully to give you soft honeymoon hands.


GEORGE: And now Gracie will sing "April Played the Fiddle." Sing, Gracie.


MUSIC: ACCOMPANIES GRACIE AS SHE SINGS "APRIL PLAYED THE FIDDLE" BY JOHNNY BURKE AND JAMES V. MONACO


SOUND: APPLAUSE


TRUMAN: Take your choice -- use Hinds Hand Cream or Hinds Lotion or treat yourself to both. The new Hinds Hand Cream comes in smart red-and-white jars and costs only ten cents and thirty-nine cents each at any toilet goods counter. Like the lotion, Hinds Hand Cream is a quick softener. Try it, will you?


GEORGE: Thank you. Well, Gracie, say good night.


GRACIE: Oh, well, good night. And say, George -- you wanna hear a scream? 


GEORGE: Yeah.


BUBBLES: (SCREAMS)


GEORGE: Good night, all. ...


SOUND: APPLAUSE


MUSIC: ACCOMPANIES "VOTE FOR GRACIE" SUNG BY CHORUS ... THEN BEHIND TRUMAN--


CHORUS: (SINGS)

Vote for Gracie! Vote for Gracie!

She's the best little skipper in the land!

(CONTINUES IN BG, UNTIL END)


TRUMAN: Next Wednesday over these same stations, George and Gracie and all of us will be back again, don't forget. And don't forget, for honeymoon hands, it's Hinds Honey and Almond Cream. This is Truman Bradley saying good night. The song "April Played the Fiddle" is from the new show "If I Had My Way." This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.


SOUND: APPLAUSE

________________________________

________________________________

________________________________


Burns and Allen

Gracie's Acceptance Speech

Excerpt from May 22 1940 episode


CAST:

VOICE

GRACIE

and a CROWD


SOUND: CROWD CHEERS


VOICE: And now that the cheers are dying down, we're about to hear the acceptance speech of our candidate, the Honorable Gracie Allen.


SOUND: CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS ... OUT BEHIND--


GRACIE: Ladies and gentlemen, members of the Surprise Party, citizens of Omaha, and friends. I want to thank you for nominating me your candidate for president. As I look around here in this coliseum and see thousands of trusting, believing faces shining up at me with love and respect, tears come to my eyes. And you know why? My girdle's killing me. ... If, uh-- If I'm elected next November, and it's bound to come -- it usually does; comes right after October ... -- I'll be the first lady president that this country has ever had.


SOUND: APPLAUSE


GRACIE: This, um-- This campaign of mine hasn't been easy. My opponents have been givin' me plenty of worry. But I said to myself, "Grace" -- I always call myself Grace when I'm talkin' to myself ... -- I said, "Grace, be like a tea kettle. When you're up to your neck in hot water, continue to sing." You see, when you're singing like a tea kettle, you can also let off steam at the same time. ... If you've listened to my opponents, you will have to admit that they have been very outspoken -- and I'm the one who outspoke them. ... Their attacks have only made me all the prettier. The mud that they threw turned out to be beauty clay.


SOUND: APPLAUSE


GRACIE: I've, uh-- I've been in the Library in Congress time and time again and I want to tell you that it's a shame! There isn't a good love story in the place. ... The newspapers have asked me what I think of the little man. Well, I think they're cute. ... The reason we need a woman in the presidential chair is to pave the way for other political jobs for women, such as, uh, lady senators and lady congressmen. Anybody knows that a woman is much better than a man when it comes to introducing bills into the house.


SOUND: APPLAUSE


GRACIE: Now, uh-- Just look-- Just look at all the famous women in history. The mother of Julius Caesar was a woman. ... Napoleon's wife was a woman. ... Why, half of the married people in the United States are women. ... Naturally, there are candidates running in opposition to me. Now, I have been in the city of Omaha only three days and I kissed Mayor Butler twice. Can my opponents match that?! ... Some people say to me, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched, Gracie. You haven't been elected yet." Of course, there is a remote possibility of that. But should such a thing happen, I'll say what Mr. Dionne said to the nurse when she told him that he was the father of quintuplets: "I demand a recount!" ...


SOUND: APPLAUSE


GRACIE: So -- in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you for nominating me. Be true to yourself by being true to the Surprise Party. Stick with us until we get to Washington. Remember the banana -- when it leaves the bunch, it gets skinned. 


SOUND: CHEERS AND APPLAUSE


Comments