Well, this is obviously part of the desperation, despair, and unabashed openness that comes of honesty or intimacy or self-knowledge or whatever you want to call it. "You" is clearly just God in this piece. Maybe the most important part is the realization that we sometimes approximate our idea of God in our lives by beating ourselves up. We miss a feeling of connection, and we're willing to feel like total shit if it brings even a memory of Presence.
The final request is for help, a translator, someone human to be close enough to let me out of this catch 22. Sometimes, though, we need to find ourselves all the way to the bottom, all the way into the craziness, to go beyond or through the craziness. When I most felt neediness, I didn't get the connection I wanted, but I got what I needed. Maybe I just needed to do my work before I could receive the paycheck. I prayed for help, and I got more work. Ha, ha, ha! Well, it all worked out; I didn't know what I needed. I needed to learn the lesson that no moment is ever wasted.
When You speak,
I always listen.
Intently.
This only lesson
we must learn
is all You ever say.
You never waste a moment.
You must see that I try to remember
everything that comes from You.
But each time I forget, You
beat me silly.
There's a problem with my head.
Too many beatings.
I laugh hilariously.
I welcome this forgetting
that brings You back.
I scream and I cry.
When You are close, but no closer,
I look for sticks
to beat myself.
Why do You do this?
You say I do.
We both know
I am useless to You,
and only harm myself.
Send someone who speaks with her eyes,
not her ears.
Copyright 2007 Todd Mertz