Comprehensive Application of Mindful Appreciation in Individuals, Dyadic Relationships, and Large Groups
This paper is an attempt to consolidate various theories of human nature as emergent; systems and techniques of meditation; the current understanding of competence, expertise, and genius; brain functioning; and the development of mindful appreciation within dyads, especially the therapist-client relationship and long-term, monogamous relationships. To that end, this is necessarily more of a gloss than an in-depth presentation. It is my experience that there are many expert in-depth presentations of various aspects of these relationships, but there is a great deal of room for improvement in an overall understanding or explanation of how such relationships function. This expert lack of comprehensive understanding leads to excellent corrective techniques and interventions that engender later confusion or later problems of greater subtlety rather than an appreciation of the challenges inherent in living. This is not due to lack of excellence, but appears to be due to a lack of integration of: the full range of human potential, a multicultural appreciation of individuality and difference, a precise understanding of resilience, and embrace of the difference between social reality and reality. Universal human responses to trauma, transparence of previously esoteric systems of maturation, and the developing field of neurophysiology allow a more comprehensive and more detailed, agreed-upon understanding of what is humanly possible. Without wisdom and flexibility, that potential agreement will not be forthcoming. Fortunately, we are, in Nietzsche’s phrase, “All-too-human.” Charles Darwin was correct in believing that humans would, as an understanding of various cultures and individual difference emerged, struggle towards ending racism and bigotry and towards a feeling of global mutuality. The current Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso, is doing his share to lead the way towards a confluence of science and religion.
I will first outline a basic theoretical perspective. Next, I will present a developmental sequence that fits with most presentations of meditative, individual-psychological, and expert development. The terms used to epitomize each step are necessarily somewhat general. This allows for a close but not perfect incorporation of disparate theories. These terms are chosen to be descriptive rather than prescriptive. Rather than social desirability effects which would push for identifying oneself with higher stages, my approach is to incorporate enjoyment and appreciation of each stage–the full developmental range of human potentiality and individuality. Following the presentation of this sequence, I will briefly draw connections with presentations made by David Schnarch, Susan Johnson, and John Gottman.
I do not believe in exclusive authority based on any particular stage of development, and I do not claim any particular development. I agree with Ken Wilber that there is always room for personal improvement at each stage of development, and that in order to move forward, we need only a minimal competence with each stage. Increasing expertise at any previous stage frees up more attention for focus on either the present moment or the next step one intends to take. I agree with presenters of the theory of Spiral Dynamics that this hierarchy is flexible and inclusive at least as much as being linear and exclusive.
Beginning to embrace or turn towards what may be called psychological openness is a notable turning point. This is the beginning many teenagers and adults are looking for, the absence of which leads to dissatisfaction with life and existential ennui. To summarize, the process moves towards recognizing openness simply and clearly, leading from dissatisfaction to change/progress to an unrestricted appreciation of vitality. The definition or knowledge of openness changes as one’s understanding and experience develops, but we can generically define openness as the possibility of development or the absence of psychological denial and avoidance. It is possible to intentionally increase the consistency and depth of one’s openness. Freud’s explanations left off at the reality principle, but the man himself was constantly exploring possibilities; his reality principle did not encompass his reality. Intentional control of one’s attention picks up where Freud left off. Building upon the reality principle, the possibility principle incorporates our ability to realistically and imaginatively plan for a desirable future.
If we focus an understanding of development on intentional focus of attention and action–agency–rather than on conflict scenarios, emotional lability, and developmental “crises”, we may avoid a few unnecessary problems, especially limiting beliefs, that are created by a corrective- or pathology-based approach. Rather than leaning on frustrations and how to avoid or get beyond frustrations, this approach centralizes curiosity and our desire for improvement and appreciation. Too often, past moralities have framed our desire for exploration and happiness as selfishness. It is possible to live differently, if we are willing to be realistic. Of course, acting selfishly is always possible, but we can develop the ability to act in accord or harmony–with emotional states, with moods, with other people, with our environment. An overemphasis on renunciation in religious traditions, phrased as selfishness and selflessness (or absolutistic altruism) sets up a psychological tension between the genuine desire to be “good” and an unrealistic image of perfection. With that in mind, it is important to find a manner in which we can appreciate the various developmental stages and the multiplicity of experiences an integrated awareness allows.
As far as awareness is concerned, the process seems to begin in not-knowing–wherever we begin genetically–and proceed through qualitatively different shadings: obscured awareness, defining-knowing, understanding, appreciating, clarity, nonconceptuality, and abiding. Because all of these shadings or stages evidence human potential, moments of higher stages are possible at nearly every previous stage, but self-identity is not firmly established by peak experiences.
Although awareness may always be partially incomplete or obscured, in comparison to the following stages, awareness at the stage of obscured awareness is muddled. In adults, this stage is similar to intoxication or the first few minutes of waking up. This is part of where creativity and mystery come from. The confusing nature of this stage allows for the unpredictability and creativity involved in brainstorming. Developmentally, this stage of wide-open exploration or immersion defines the first few years of life. This is previous to clearly defined and consistent verbal thinking.
By the stage of defining-knowing, we start believing that we know what we are doing or talking about. There is a childish confidence, and one may be competent enough for accomplishing one’s purpose, but that momentary purpose or impulse evidences a relatively simplistic understanding. Instead of being muddled in one’s sense of purpose or simply enjoying one’s lack of conscious purpose–as with obscured awareness–purpose is determined by a simple understanding of the self as an individual, a fairly concrete self-image. The simplicity of purpose and self-image in this stage allows for both certainty and agency. Certainty and verbal knowledge open the door to intellectual ambiguity and diversity of conscious purposes.
When defining-knowing is felt to be unsatisfying, either due to curiosity or experienced limitations, one begins expanding one’s understanding of the context. From self as individual, one develops an understanding of self as a contextualized individual. If defining-knowing is unilinear, understanding is multilinear, webbed, embedded. By exploring and incorporating a wider angle of vision, one’s options develop at the same time that one’s understanding of self expands to include broader purposes and subtler methods. We are capable of intentionally assessing the background at this point.
Appreciation develops after one’s understanding of some particular context or field makes one competent in that field: family of origin, athletics, craftsmanship, intellectual fields, etc. In a general sense, enjoyment is always possible. In the specific sense that I am using it, appreciation as a stage means a sense of appreciation that includes understanding. This appreciation includes an intellectual appreciation. Just as understanding includes multiple lines of defining-knowing, appreciation includes understanding. It is possible, though, to move from understanding and competence to boredom. So in the same sense that understanding develops out of defining-knowing, in the same sense that one must decide for oneself that defining-knowing alone is not sufficient AND have the ability to develop understanding, one must decide that understanding without appreciation is insufficient AND have the ability to develop appreciation instead of getting stuck in boredom or simply shifting one’s attention somewhere else. If understanding involves competence or craftsmanship, appreciation involves artistry or mastery as an extension of that competence and mastery of the craft. Appreciation, then, is similar to expertise–depending on where one chooses to draw the lines between basic competence, mastery or expertise, and genius.
It seems that clarity rarely develops as a stage. Most people have experienced multiple moments of clarity but have not established clarity as the base they move from. Meditation or very consistent concentration may be necessary in order to develop clarity in one’s experience and understanding. As artistry is incorporated into one’s actions, it becomes possible to master artistry, at least in specific domains. Another description is that one’s intention is influenced less by immature impulses, and one’s intention is not forcefully set on actively directing one’s attention to the task at hand. As attention becomes accustomed to competent manipulation of certain circumstances, intention seems to come more from the situation, or, one’s active or effortful direction of intention takes on a lighter touch. That lightness includes both appreciation of the activity or the moment and also an unquestioned sense of confidence, creativity, and ease. It is quite possible to lose a sense of “self” in the moment or flow. Clarity is psychologically similar to physical grace.
Nonconceptuality is characterized by panoramic awareness and equanimity. Familiarity with grace alters one’s relationship with conceptions. While the purpose or value of conceptions does not change or diminish, one’s reliance on, or clinging to, conception–which was necessary at some point–fades. Intention changes radically from appreciation to clarity to nonconceptu-ality. With nonconceptuality, one experiences grace in fields one understands and also to a great extent in those where one does not. While it is possible earlier in the process to experience compassion without understanding, while it is possible to be gentle earlier in the process, with nonconceptuality, it is possible to act gracefully and forcefully based on very slight hints.
Through clarity, one relies less and less on the mental processes involved with linear and purposeful decision-making and more on the complexity of information and sensations that stream through our bodies and awareness. This stream includes the massive amount of background information held by experts in any field. Nonconceptuality is a greater familiarity with grace and an unquestioned trust in each situation. One acts more from a familiarity with flow or process than from an over-reliance on content. With nonconceptuality, there is less of an experience of no-self as the conceptual difference between subjectivity and objectivity, between individual and many no longer functions or is no longer employed. Intention and activity are experienced as fitting with each situation naturally without any sense of manipulation being necessary.
Abiding can be seen in two ways. In the first, it appears that one has reached the base, the ground. Regardless of what one does or where one is, one remains centered, seemingly in touch with the extent of reality. In the second, instead of a focus on describing a base, instead of speaking about stability, the description is more of finding that basis of reality in each moment, in each individual one encounters. The experience of not needing to manipulate or change things that one feels for oneself in nonconceptuality is recognized as abiding with every individual, and everywhere. This is called abiding because there is no longer any possibility of wavering over where reality is or how to describe what is, since reality is recognized as abiding.
Beginning to turn towards openness occurs when one moves from defining-knowing into appreciation. For some, this will include a greater degree of understanding, but for others, little understanding is needed. If one identifies more with intellect in defining-knowing, one may demand greater understanding and find understanding to be more satisfying. If one identifies more with compassion or emotions through defining-knowing, understanding may feel largely unnecessary, and one may look to pass quickly through. Either way, it is not necessary to attempt to understand anything more than the individual self. It is not necessary to understand the self if one’s interests lie elsewhere. One’s interest going into understanding and appreciation will affect the texture of the course as well as the length of time and effort required for each following step.
Without developing consistent appreciation, though, it is most likely that the process will become derailed at understanding. One may continue to experience moments of peak awareness into the higher stages without actually arriving. As reality is abiding, a focus on understanding or appreciation is not necessary in order to experience higher levels, but competence with each level can be beneficial in diminishing the difficulty of the path further on. The uniquely intense and momentary nature of ecstatic energies encourages for consistency found by appreciating to be used as a reliable standard at this stage of individual development. The desire to expand one’s appreciation leads naturally into clarity, and the grace experienced in clarity encourages the greater openness and dignity of nonconceptuality. Expanding appreciation is the antidote for being stuck in momentariness, isolation, ecstasy, or self-absorption.
It is possible to establish concentrative or attentional discipline without developing appreciation. The problem that arises with doing so, however, is that this rarely encourages for a free-flowing exchange between the individual or sect that develops this discipline and the rest of society. This ability, and the benefits which result from this ability, have fed into exclusivity and unnecessary boundaries in the past. This exclusivity has often encouraged for a dissociative relationship with one’s emotions or one’s neighbors. Dissociation from emotions also tends to make further progress more strained. Straining makes clarity either tenuous or fragmented.
Now, how does all this apply to dyads? Very carefully.
Individuals put some effort and intention into creating an integrated sense of self and an integrated self-narrative. Moreover, most humans enjoy communion with other humans, so we desire to appreciate others and to be appreciated ourselves. If we can differentiate between enjoyment of various pleasures and a sense of appreciation that incorporates an intellectual understanding of proportion and functional fit, we can move beyond understanding by integrating conceptuality rather than by trying to diminish or devalue conception. When we apply a sense of proportion to our actions along with emotional enjoyment of living, we consistently set the context for continued enjoyment rather than grasping at momentary pleasures–which is intensified by ignorance and fear. It is possible to weave an integrated self-narrative into a sense of flow; it is possible to blend a realistic self-image with a sense of appreciation for reality.
Just as individuals put effort into creating a comprehensive sense of self and a cohesive self-narrative, couples and groups do as well; it is unavoidably part of our nature to utilize our comparatively gigantic neocortexes. Just as individuals experience internal conflict over variegated aspects of self when they are lacking in tranquility and wisdom, groups do as well. These conflicts appear to push for either greater integration of the whole or dissolution into parts. With understanding and temperance, it is possible to smooth the course towards integration.
As understanding of how the prefrontal lobes mature and interact with the rest of the brain increases, executive functioning will become better understood. The effects of learning to intentionally direct attention will become more integrated into an overall understanding of human potential and the means for actualizing human potential. Unifying the understanding of methods and effects will show the diversity of possibilities rather than restrict the range of possibilities. In the same way that this unification of understanding allows for more precise explication of diversity, making interpersonal processes in couples explicit allows for greater expertise (which expands the couple’s repertoire) more than it restricts couples into limited functioning.
In learning anything new that takes consistent application of attention, such as reading, the ability to stabilize and intentionally shift attention is trained, practiced. When oppressive methods of motivation are set aside, it is necessary to utilize standards that are somewhat consistent yet flexible enough to continue to engender appreciation even as people grow and change. There are moments and situations where we are naturally able to pay attention as much as we need to. If you’re in a small room with a big, agitated snake, you’ll be able to pay attention for some length of time, and you’ll be very interested to learn how snakes move. The same is true if you’re in prison with a dangerous cell-mate. If you’re forced to go to grammar school and punished for not learning, you’ll probably pick up grammar. The question is how to keep relationships from feeling imprisoning and oppressive. Rampant impulsivity is not the answer.
We are able to marshal our attention based on certain instinctive cues (pain, sex, heights, etc.), intense emotions (anger, joy, love, etc.), curiosity, interest or meaning, group support, rhythm, and practiced mindfulness. Practiced mindfulness is not better than the others, but it adds to our repertoire of possibilities. Just as relaxation meditation helps us deal with uncertainty and discomfort at the level of understanding, mindfulness helps with appreciation of the current moment and current situation. At the level of defining-knowing, we can sometimes force ourselves to overcome impulses in order to pursue a higher priority purpose; with the recognition that expanded understanding might help us, comes ambiguity and the need to tolerate ambiguity in order to apply understanding; with the recognition that trying to understand and decide everything is tiring and unsatisfying (even if we’re capable of relaxing into it instead of purposefully forcing ourselves to do what we “should”), we look to develop appreciation. The ability to maintain one’s mindfulness helps stabilize attention in an appreciative manner.
This step into appreciation moves us beyond Freud’s reality principle into the possibility principle. Up to this point in the sequence, reality has been whatever it has been; at this point, it becomes possible for the individual to develop consistent appreciation of the changes in reality. To do so, the individual needs to be willing to develop consistency in their intention. When appreciation is not consciously included in this consistency, life feels repetitive, or we look to act impulsively from previous stages of awareness. This can be a phenomenal turning point in the process, though. The fact that mindful appreciation has not usually been developed as a stable trait in most adults simply points to what has not been said and done in the past. At some point, practiced mindfulness will be as common as car ownership in America is now.
Incorporating appreciation applies equally to counseling situations and to couples’ relationships. Mindfulness in anyone who has developed somewhat of a systemic understanding is not harmful. Mindfulness is only even possibly harmful when we have not developed the ability to relax. This is why Schnarch focuses on the importance of self-soothing. If we are capable of relaxing, we are capable of facing reality head-on. After developing the ability to relax (which can probably always be improved), we are less motivated by fear, anxiety, and threat. We become less tense and more considerate. Mindfulness is called for since appreci-ation is desired. The more we are able to understand, and the more deeply and consistently we are able to relax ourselves, the more possibilities we have for appreciation in our lives.
Mindfulness fits individuals, couples, and groups. When individuals in relationship are capable of stabilizing mindful appreciation, they have a positive effect on each other whether they are similar or not. These abilities are not “had” or owned; we employ these abilities at varying levels of competence in changing situations.
In speaking about couples, it can be helpful to differentiate moods from emotions. Emotions can (but don’t always) come and go fairly quickly. Paul Ekman has done excellent research on facial expression of brief emotions. He differentiates moods as being less well-known to scientists but generally described as lasting much longer than emotions. Although this categorization will eventually break down into a complex of interactions between electrical activity in the nervous system, hormones, proprioception, heart rate and blood pressure, etc., it is helpful in making a few points.
John Gottman’s work on the ratio of positive to negative comments in a couple, repair attempts, and turning towards each other instead of away are especially relevant to mood and the impact that mood has on interpretation of emotions within couples. Susan Johnson’s insistence on healthy emotional moments, and a “reprocessing of experience that involves a process of discovery and creation, so that new aspects of experience are encountered (Johnson, 133)” is also directly relevant. We can view the current “tone” of a relationship as similar to moods in an individual. For example, in therapy, if a therapist represses expression of their emotions and the client sets an unhealthy tone, this will affect the moods of both individuals, and they will subsequently experience and interpret their emotions from within the context of their moods. In a monogamous couple, they are more likely to refrain from criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and belligerence (Gottman, 27-34) either when a healthy tone is set or when repair attempts are accepted (22).
From an attentional viewpoint, an enjoyable tone is “set” by appreciation and maintained by skillful interaction and intention. Setting this tone is reliant on mindful appreciation. Without intentional, mindful appreciation, constancy of a positive tone is much less likely. In a counseling relationship, the counselor is obviously more responsible for bringing skill, but clients may be asked to hold their share of accountability for intention in the relationship. Mindfulness helps counselors act skillfully, and the practice of concentration meditation can help with being receptive without being vulnerable. Clients will benefit from relaxation meditation along with distress tolerance, as well as mindfulness and increased awareness of their intention.
Within couples, as with individuals, there also exists the possibility for long-term cumulative effects based in mindful appreciation and commitment. The persistence of a healthy tone within a relationship has a multitude of beneficial effects which I will not get into. I do want to get into one effect particularly. Just as there are some individuals who have a wholehearted commitment to living or to their “values”, some people within monogamous relationships are wholeheartedly committed. When both are even fairly committed–to their personal integrity and/or their relationship–this has a stabilizing effect. In an unhealthy relationship, this stabilization of attention has been called codependence. In a healthy relationship, this shows as a willingness to turn towards each other while being accountable for and to oneself. I call this engagement whether or not it is supported by a spouse. Engagement allows for expression of potential that would otherwise go unnoticed and unused. Opposed to engagement, avoidance diminishes one’s conscious ties with reality.
Within a relationship, persistence of a healthy feeling-tone nurtures the flowering of positive emotions. The consistent flowering of positive emotion allows a familiarity and identification with positive emotion. There is a different effect that occurs simultaneously. Along with the usual focus on positive emotions, we also encounter and begin to develop awareness of familiarity and identification with this flowering–which I called openness earlier in the paper. I use openness when speaking of an individual, and flowering when speaking of conscious interdependence. We are about equally likely to feel sensitive when experiencing openness or flowering, but we are more likely to feel vulnerable when experiencing flowering. When an individual intentionally develops their openness, they increase their flexibility and sense of certainty. When this occurs with flowering, the more noticeable moment of vulnerability allows an added awareness of reassurance. Individuals should look out for the mistake of being overly independent, while those working in communion will be more likely to make the mistake of becoming too reliant on others, underrating their own abilities or potential. Most of us will feel a pull towards both individual expression and communion.
So, within a couple, we may experience the sense that our partner or our relationship brings us positive emotions and familiarity with flowering. This resonance is similar in couples to what Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has described in his book Flow. While most couples experience multiple moments of flow, or what I have called clarity, it is a rare couple that feels their relationship is established in or described by flow. This flow or clarity in relationship is not far from the state that an expert often gets into–“the zone”–while plying their trade. If experts in every field can learn to experience flow in their work, it should not be more difficult to experience in relationships when both partners are committed. The problem with relationships is not the exponentially-increased complexity that is added by including another human being. We are already so beautifully complex that speaking of additional complexity in trying to measure our potential is like comparing millions of infinities to billions of infinities. The problem is that other-validated individuals look to their partner to signal them concerning how much they should commit to the relationship, which reinforces their mutual sense of uncertainty and vulnerability.
We get caught up in measuring differences instead of enjoying differences when we are not firmly grounded in the certainty of our own potential. The possibility principle is not fully recognized because it can only be proved by committing to integrated activity. We have not recognized our individual and group potential largely because we have not had the means of organizing and communicating such massive possibility. All of this adds up to many people believing that the majority of people they know are decent folks, but that the world is troublesome, and strangers appear to be either more bizarre or possessing of less common sense than the people we know. With couples or very large groups, difficulty does not lie in difference; that is where possibility lies. The difficulty lies in understanding and practicing consistency that incorporates appreciation. We develop our group and self-identities by clearly expressing our intention and increasing the ability to stabilize intention. This occurs to the extent that we can stabilize our attention and act skillfully in accordance with our choices and context.
When we are capable of setting a positive emotional tone, it is easier to maintain that tone. When we become familiar with that tone, we get better at recognizing how it functions, and we become more consistent with experiencing spontaneous positive emotions. When we experience a preponderance of positive emotions in any relationship, we associate that relationship with its tone and with the flowering of communion. We do not look for this tone when our interpretations of who we are as individuals and as a species are skewed by self-fulling cynicism. Within a generally cynical social reality, it does not feel safe to be sensitive. Choosing safety over engagement encourages us to withdraw our attention from both possibility (because we expect disillusionment) and vulnerability (because we expect attack). This is why I appreciate reality. When we explore mindfully, we come to appreciation. It is possible to develop beyond the stage of appreciation, but it is not necessary.
The next step in human culture will be due to either scientific advancements for which usages are not generally agreed upon, or shared appreciation. The same human principles direct individuals, dyads, small groups, and large groups, although the dynamics play out a little differently based on differences in context.
When we exclude from our shared understanding and appreciation the possibility principle as a major motivator for our species, we avoid reality. Without incorporating “positive” psychology, we are left with corrective interventions instead of a comprehensive understanding. Because human nature includes emergence, no “comprehensive” understanding will be reductionist or final. In other words, theories, intelligence, will always be questionable. But if we are willing to include possibility, and if we are willing to apply not only our intelligence but also our curiosity and our love of appreciation, we may cultivate expressions of joyful wisdom. Personal commitment encourages the development of consistency; communion encourages continued engagement; consistent engagement suggests mindful appreciation.
Copyright Todd Mertz