S3 Guide

 Ep Description
 1

Paramedics and
Christian Flat Sharers

So after a few years away, 'In Bed With Medinner' returns in a new format, but with the same old gags. Quickly zapping into a job about the Welsh, Bob tells us his mum is Stella Rimington  (now that's a name from the past.... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stella_Rimington) and introduces the Magic Microwave. Quite how Medinner got recommissioned after three years, I'm not sure, but the writing and presenting here is pretty much on fire.

A Bit of a cracking clip to begin the series- a Paramedic who really looks forward to major accidents. "Yes! Yes! We're going to have some serious stitching up here!" Bob reflects, as he stitches up the paramedics, erm, stitching up a middle aged man who is totally nonplussed at his heavily bleeding head. There's a great moment when Bob clocks that the guy, who has been attacked with an iron bar, is still dancing to the distant sound of music playing in the pub!

On to part two, Bob tackles religion by looking at a house of Christians who are looking for a new housemate- hopefully a Christian too. The prospective flatmates are generally a bit odd- Bob gets a few laughs from the person who seems to be after a four-in-a-bed with the Christians, and eventually they find a nice young girl to move in with them.

Cut to a couple of weeks later. Oasis blares out from her room, there's a 'Trainspotting' poster on her wall, and her 'special friend' is sleeping in her bed- but the Christians are sure that he's just poorly- well, that's the reason they give for the late-night noises and screams coming from her room....


 2

The Natwest Tower and
The Health Show

Poor Bob has been out with a model who has no arms, gets a bit of soreness in the back of his legs, and has been having a bit of grief trying to dump Nicole Kidman. A great Kula Shaker joke heads us into one of Bob's progs, London Tonight visiting the Natwest Tower which was ripped apart by an IRA bomb. Michael Heseltine is there, waiting to press the button which will turn on the Christmas Lights set up on the building. Cue two trumpeters announcing.... no lights. Nothing. The camera fixes on the building, and waits... waits... waits to no avail. Bob urges Alistair Stewart to fake an excuse, and AS mutters 'What a splendid sight... that is.... going to be...' and urges the viewers to write in and complain! It's a fairly amusing clip that allows Bob to riff on the nature of how precise TV is, and how when things go wrong they are completely thrown and professionalism goes out the window completely.

Bang into part two, and in my opinion this is where Medinner really starts building into a cult classic. 'Stay Alive' aka ''The Health Show' is a slice of amazing 70s television. Presented by 'a fat Northerner' the style of the programme is at real odds with modern television making- and Bob loves dissecting every minute detail of the programme. Rather randomly, the prog is presented by Colin Welland http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colin_Welland who wrote 'Chariots of Fire'. He was also in Z-Cars and Kes. When Bob tells us this, it seems like he's running another one of his lines (there's no reaction from the audience), but in this case, it's all true! So, on with the clip, and Maggie Makepeace talks about experiments on monkeys whilst wearing a kaftan. The monkeys are given electric shocks, and have foot levers which may or may not turn the shocks off. Her description of this random experimentation goes downhill from this point, and we're left wondering what the programme was actually about- especially when Colin encourages the audience to down their fizzy drinks before telling them that they've all just imbibed massive quantities of laxative. Awesome!


 3

Sumo Wrestlers and
The Vice Squad


One of the most legendary and requested episodes here. It starts interestingly with the only pre-credit sketch ever seen on the programme- Bob buys some fruit. The first time I saw this, a few months back, it confused me. It's obviously a build-up to something, but what, and why does it need to be pre-credits? Anyway...

Bob reads a poem out to the audience. Cut to a teacher reading the same poem in class. It's a lovely musing on accepting and treating people fairly, and goes spectacularly wrong as she loses control of the class.

Cut to the main draw here- the British Sumo Championships. The top three to represent the country were drawn from the three competitors who turned up (true story!) and brilliant quotes abound- 'I think I'll come in the top three cos I love eating chocolate and cakes and all that'. I don't want to spoil this funny as hell episode with my usual synopsis here- so just watch the clip :)


 4

Ghost Files and
the Great Missenden Riots

Starting with another episode of 'Ghost Files' hosted by the supremely spooky Billy Roberts (who appears to be on fire) which sees Roberts investigating 'spooky sweet smells', Bob rapidly progresses on to the real gem of this episode- the Great Missenden Riots. Bob starts by saying he gave a young lad a break and let him do the voiceover- it's Danny Baker- a nice in-gag as if you read my exclusive interview with the mighty Bob you'll see Medinner kind of came about due to Danny Baker.

On to the documentary- which seems to recall a few of www.medinner.co.uk's nights out- it begins with a recap of a specific night of violence between the two gangs. 60 arrests, 29 convictions, the police sealing off the village, the scene set is one of a place out of control, terrorised by.... well, it wouldn't just be 'four little herberts', would it? Supremely funny, a great look at a documentary crew trying to make something look much more exciting than it actually is.

 
 5

Danny Baker's Heavy Metal Documentary and
Knife Etiquette: Wrist Manipulation


Bob's Rolex is knackered, and he questions the whole concept of Kinder Eggs- if there's a 'surprise inside' and you know it's going to be a toy, where's the flaming surprise then? Starting with a crime appeal programme featuring a pretty young Penny Smith (GMTV) which ludicrously asks viewers to identify rioters from an aerial shot, Bob has a proper laugh at a full-scale riot.  As much as this clip recalls the earlier Medinner stuff like the fighting sticks, the second clip brings us something new. Danny Baker, who was sort of responsible for Medinner in the first place, narrates a black and white documentary about heavy metal fans. Focused on a top metal club that attracts atomic scientists who turn up with pretend guitars, the documentary is an absolute gem of a find. Lines like "A thousand people a night pack into this disco" (two), "Jimi Hendrix", and "I've left it a bit too late" make this a real must-see episode.

Part two then, and Bob is writing a letter to a mystery celeb (there's a reveal after the main prog) when he notices we've returned from the ad break which surely featured ads for gay chatlines (it usually did, remember?). With loads more to pack into the episode, there's no 'Casualty Location Man' or books written by Bob, and he's straight into a clip about self defence. Kelly Warden, who looks a bit like a beaver and uses interesting typefaces takes us to his back bedroom and educates Bob in 'knife etiquette' and 'wrist manipulation'. A cracking episode which sees Bob on top form. It's interesting to note that there's enough material in this episode for at least two full episodes with padding, but the Medinner team keep on packing it all in to create the funniest collection of clips they can. Good work people!


 6

Pet Psychic and
Police Dog

Oh, another idiotic psychic programme. It's funny to think that now, in 2008, there are still loads of this sort of programme on Sky. It's a simple gag- the psychic can tell callers if their pets are having an affair. Bob quips on farting during the title sequence, the presenter's zebra skin trousers, and the slightly creepy nature of the psychic. The callers are legendary- a caller who found her cat in a dustbin and calls it Bosnia, a woman with big breasts- all easy pickings for Bob, who is on fire in this episode.

On to the second clip, there's a bloke hiding from the police in a loft. The malandrist voiceover woman tells us that the 'burly police officers' don't want to go up, so they call in a female dog handler and her alsatian. The dog doesn't want to go up, so things get really silly.

After the ad break, there's a surprise return to the police dog- and eight minutes of the coppers trying to get the dog back out of the loft...


 7

Dowsing for the Dodo and
A Few Lonely Hearts


I've probably had more emails asking for this episode than any other- and at last I have got it!
So on to the programme...

... which starts with a few Les Dennis gags, then moves on to what we've all been expecting since Medinner started- a transsexual. Looking like Harold Steptoe in a dress, 'she' puts sausages on the main presenters belly, and relates 'her' plans to recreate the Dodo using turkeys and Dodo bones. No, i'm not making this up! Oops, I forgot to say that there's a short clip of Tony Fisk but that's just 'hard luck' (watch the clip to see what I'm on about.)

After the break Bob looks at a few lonely hearts. Single blokes in bedsit rooms with shabby furnishings and no chance of future happiness. Hmmn, I think I know exactly the person.... ;-)

 8

Essex FM with Robbie Dee and
Special Force: No Cycling

Part 1 showcases Bob's feud with The Prodigy, recounts his punch-up with Grant and Phil from Eastenders, and allows him to tell us he's "a very good friend of Kate Moss" despite the fact that he's not a drug-addled third-rate indie singer. Bob's then off to the very local radio station 'Essex FM' where Robbie Dee is, in a Bob style, out and about. After a brief examination of the body language of the slightly frightening presenter (who has the stereotypical face for radio) the cameras track to Robbie who's trying to find Walsingham Road. After asking lots of pedestrians, it kind of dawns on us viewers that a roving reporter needs two things: a map that works, and a bit of common sense. Robbie Dee has neither, and shows this by finding the wrong house. The 'reveal' at the end of the segment is absolute comedy genius- there's no predicting what happens! The extended sketch Bob performs later in the prog spoofs Robbie Dee perfectly- watch out for it.

There's a bit more Essex FM to come, with a great piece to camera from a female presenter who unbelievably works 23 hours a day. Bob's mate Kevin Costner gets a brief mention, then there's a documentary featuring Bob's old Police Division. Bob gets carried off pissed from his "Police Academy", and then the previous nights 38 Campari and Lemonades take their toll. Basically the trainee officers are really crap, and this gives Bob the chance to take the piss out of them mercilessly. There's a great bit when a piss-poor copper tries to tell a young woman that she can't cycle on the pavement, then lets her cycle off, then the coppers go into a graveyard....


 9
Call of the Beast

December 2015: this episode has now been found! Uploaded to YouTube by Alltheworlds Astage



 10

Silas the Ghost

This review is going to be a bit short, because I only have 12 mins of the episode! Silas is a guy called Billy Roberts, who is 'genuinely posessed by spirits from another world', in the words of Millsy. This pretty much means that Billy, who is Jewish and from London, is posessed by unlikely spirits from the East End of London, who are also Jewish- although the spirit of Silas is from Egypt... Anyway, another spirit eventually turns up, a London entertainer who is also Jewish and goes to Catford Dog Track to watch horse racing- as Bob points out, there's been no horseracing there since 1832. Anyway, the spirit doesn't have a clue who the most successful jockey of the time was, and becomes very unimpressive rapidly.

Bob ends the episode talking about his time in the SAS.


 11

The Guy Who Measures Things and
'Me Son's a Grass'!

Two classic clips featuring two unique people. The first clip is of a man with a hobby- he enjoys measuring things. From viaducts to the distance between sleepers in a railway tunnels, there is nothing too boring for this bloke to find incredibly interesting. Bob is more bemused than anything else, and I can't blame him! The second clip starts with a white haired old gent showing the camera a photo of his son as a baby in an incubator. He says "If I what he was going to do to his family I'd have smothered the bastard." Turns out his old man has put a £10,000 contract on his head because he's found out he's a Police informer. His wife wants to keep a photo of her son in the house, but her husband is upset. How can they compromise, Bob ponders? I won't spoil the surprise- but it's unbelievably funny! There are some Yogic Flyers after the break, but nothing can be as funny as the angry Mancunian who hates his son.


 12

Dance for Jesus and
Middlesboro Cops

Every now and again Medinner hits a run of a couple of crackingly good episodes- and following the excellent ep11 comes this classic. Starting off with a couple of excellent gags and a great magic microwave skit, Bob tells us he had nothing to do with making 'Noel's House Party' before gliding into the first clip.

"If you can't dance don't try" says Bob. The clip is about a bunch of believers who are 'really handsome' and play twister for Jesus. Kula Shaker gags and granny toppling add to the general hilarity, and Bob spots Lulu in the Churce, as well as Eric Morecambe. The clip ends with one of Bob's best spots- Christian businessmen who are 'dancing like dickheads for Jesus'. On to Credo, which did have an amazing theme tune. Bob rocks out to it, and then we're back to the first clip for an exorcism.

After the break, the legendary phrase 'Banana Queer' comes into play. Bob heads up to Middlesborough, where the cops are interviewing a bloke who has been picked up for kerbcrawling. His conversation with the copper is really odd, he seems to be asking for humiliation and Bob suggests that he's probably getting quite turned on. Cut to a pissed up bloke wearing chinos who is getting a bit teary, and the episode's almost over...


 13

Christmas Coppers and
Fell Out of a Plane

This Medinner episode contains several key elements: drunk people, accidents, and verbal nonsense. As such, it is something of a classic! The episode begins with Bob recounting a night out with the Prodigy, and how he shouted abuse at Sheryl Crow. He also labels Alanis Morrisette as a malandrist. Cut to Liverpool, snow on the ground, and a drunkard who has narrowly avoided being hit by a bus. The copper talking to him decides to arrest him, which leads the guy to 'arrange' an accusation of police brutality- all live on camera, obviously.


 14

Ice Cream Wars and
Big Cat Chasers

Episode details to come.

 15

How to Pass a Breathalyzer and
Miss TV Times

More fantastic VT-based comedy from Bob. Keen fans of s4 will recognize the potential comedy gold whenever Bob digs out an old beauty contest. No gags or setups are really needed, the clips are just so damn funny themselves.

The episode begins with yet another visit to some coppers on patrol. They pull over a drunk driver, breathalyze him, and try to arrest him. After telling the driver he's arrested and going to be taken to the station, the driver tries to confuse the coppers with his illogical questioning.

So on to the great "Miss TV Times". Talk about low budget! Filmed ostensibly in a pub by a Millsy lookalike and featuring Bernard Manning as announcer (how random is that!?), the contestants are the usual selection of wonky-eyed freaky-haired gimpesses. From the super promotion girl who works 'not so far abroad' in Wigan (imagine trying to promote Wigan mind!), to the big-headed Eccles girl who may or may not drink her own pee, and the lesbian Greek/ Polish girl- these girls are real winners. This episode leaves www.medinner.co.uk rather bemused at times!


 16

Mr W**ker the Farmer (A Room With Two Views)

Beginning with a short clip of a motorway police patrol clearing up an accident, in which Bob uses the classic line "They have their own specific rhyming slang" which naturally is followed by the voiceover saying "This is what they call a rear-end shunt", this episode keeps the main clip hidden during the introduction. With the fairly low-key start to the programme, Bob surprises the viewers with not only one of the best clips ever featured on the prog, but one of the most smug, self satisfied, ignorant, idiotic people ever seen on TV. Farmer Bill Weeks is pitted in a conversation with Juliet Gellatley, a vegetarian who normally would be edited to show her as a bit of a right-on hippy, if normal TV standards apply. But the farmer, who is a bit of a Kelly, is impossible to show in a good light, Yeah, he's a farmer and relies on the consumption of animal flesh to earn his EU subsidies, but when the lovely but a bit ginger Juliet describes the horrific conditions that chickens endure in battery farms, his response, that its okay to keep them in this manner because 'they're with all their friends!' shows just how much of a Kelly he actually is! Of course, Bob doesn't help much, referring to Juliet's observation that the chickens are kept in cages the size of small microwaves by noting that this is simply market economics- any larger and the chicken wouldn't fit in his cooker.

Thanks to David Boothroyd who emailed me the following information:

The farmer guy who didn't like Muselly in s3 ep16 is called Bill Weeks and
comes from Seahouses in Northumberland. He's also a local councilor:

http://www.berwick-upon-tweed.gov.uk/councilors/weeks.htm 
(link dead as of 2015, but Weeks still seems to be active
up in Northumberland in his 90s and has been a real friend to his local community)

He first fought for a seat on the council because he objected to the charge of 20p for public lavatories.
His opponent in the debate was Juliet Gellatley:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juliet_Gellatley A couple of interesting links- especially Juliet's wiki page. Thanks mate!

click here to watch "Mr Farmer pt1"
click here to watch "Mr Farmer pt2"

 17

In School and
Bus Driver Magician

The purpose of Medinner is to find archaic clips and mock them, relating modern viewpoints to old concepts of programme-making. 'In School' features the fly on the wall style of documentary making that is still embraced by many modern conceits. The clip opens with a number of pupils rolling in late to school- nowt different there then... apart from the excuses. Medinner.co.uk remembers saying that a grandparent had taken poorly, or the alarm clock had failed to go off, but these pupils are inventive: 'had to carry heavy bag' (fair enough), 'rescued cat from tree' (arguably complete bullshit), 'put cat up tree' (absolute genius riposte!) The clip continues with a confession from a schoolboy that really places it in early 1990s popular culture- a lad is chided for telling a teacher to 'suck his plums'; regular readers of Viz circa 1990 will recognise this!

Bob jumps rather than segues into 'Bus Driver Magic' where a Northern bloke tells about how he has learned fairly inventive magic tricks to impress his passengers. What programme was this on? Has there ever been a series on bus drivers who have additional skills beyond PSV and HGV capabilities? Who knows.

Part two is the classic 'Aaaaaaabingdon' clip. An inebriated rocker, a bus stop, a policeman- pure Medinner enjoyment. Again, as I watch and review these- what flamin prog did this come from Bob???


 18

The Most Blinkyingest Person Awards and
The World Disco Dancing Championship (NW)

This episode starts off and seems a little bit uninspiring at first. Let's face it, a gag about a woman who blinks quite a lot and a fairly mundane visit to coppers undertaking a drugs raid in Lincoln are hardly likely to be listed amongst any top ten 'best Medinner clips ever'. But Bob and co never give up, and rather than have a wholly substandard episode, they pull a really great clip out of the bag: "The World Disco Dancing Championship (North West Final)". Hosted by Simon Bates and with a stellar judging panel, Bob finds a clip with so much to laugh at, and so proceeds to lay the gags on fast and thick. The clip was obviously so successful that Bob revisits the programme in s4 ep18 to arguably greater effect (the clip used in the later episode is generally funnier, even if he does recycle all of the best gags from this episode.)
Sorry if you think I'm far too pensive about all of this, but hell- I own Medinner.co.uk so I can say what I want!


 19
Eyeball Disturbance and
Chris Serle Investigates... Modelling Agencies

Got the episode, review to come soon...


 20

Vinnie Jones and Bobby Gould

Got the episode, review to come soon...


 21

Channel Tunnel and
the Henley Regatta

Got the episode, review to come soon...


 22

Depardieu Joins the Vice Squad and
the Ghosts of the Ancient Ram Inn

A great Spice Girls sex joke kicks the episode off, then Bob looks at a clip which was recorded when Gerard Depardieu went undercover with some vice cops. The camera follows prostitutes as they get arrested along with their potential clients. "Does your wife know you're here?" asks the vice cop, "I promise you, Officer, that I wasn't contemplating paying for sex" replies the punter, to which Bob ponders whether that means the bloke was going to do a runner after shagging her.

On to more supernatural TV, Bob looks at the "Ancient Ram Inn" (a great name even before the 'most haunted house' claims begin to look ridiculous). Looking like a cross between Lionel Blair, Kevin Keegan, and an Orc, the Ram Inn owner tells unlikely stories of his experiences with the ghosts in his building.

Part two sees a new type of prog; the live hospital documentary. "Healthwatch Live" was a one-off programme following the events of the night in a hospital in Manchester. A road accident, a kid who's banged his head, and an assault victim are mentioned, then we get into the action. A boy who has fallen over and not hurt himself at all is featured, and a girl whose plastered arm was giving her a bit of gyp so she's returned to get it stretched out a bit is shown. Exciting stuff eh! Bob's bald sister Tracy appears to round the programme off to a finish.


 23

'How To Stay Alive' When You've Got VD and
Interviewing Sado-Masochists

Bob's been reading the manual for his million quid magic microwave and shows a great trick with a picture of Murray Walker and a potato. On to the main prog then. Bob introduces 'How To Stay Alive', a decidedly 70's health programme which tackles an issue that effected Van Gogh, Dostoyevsky, Schubert, three Popes, and Cleopatra- Venereal Disease. Introducing a guest in the studio 'who's had it' and is kind of proud of that fact, Colin Welland starts this crackingly mad prog. Now, quite often in issue-based TV programmes, the producers look to explain slightly complicated issued in innovative and non-literal ways. Quite why the producers of 'How To Stay Alive' decided that the best way to explain how VD treatment works would be to give Maggie Makepeace a selection of firearms and a puppet theatre, well, that's something Bob ponders at length here. Lovely dress though Maggie.

In keeping with the unhinged first half, Bob introduces a news show that showcases not only the best presenter ever, but also three sado-masochists and a selection of gay Vicars. I've just done a bit of research on Ishmael Skyes, the main 'perv' in the clip, and he's a pretty well-known personality on the 'scene'. Do you know him then Kelly? Bet you do! Breathe deeply and check out this link which details some of his, erm, 'achievements' and seems to be a bit of a desperate attempt to get Julie Hughes to go out with him if she ever googles his name! www.medinner.co.uk does not support using your bottom as a fire door, by the way.

I won't give away any more details- just watch the YouTube clips. You won't be disappointed! This is possibly the quintessential 'Medinner' episode. Nobody except Bob could get away with showing two bizarre clips in the one programme- I think when Dan Clapton, a friend of the site who worked as a researcher on many of the shows, says "... obviously we took risks that could never be taken again... " featuring these clips is part of what he's referring to!

 24
Taxi Touts and
PJ Proby in 'Blackpool- Las Vegas'

Got the episode, review to come soon...


 25

The Clocks, Bob Greaves, and Cardiff Cops

Got the episode, review to come soon...


 26
Kerbcrawler and
Scientology

Got the episode, review to come soon...