a short play by Jerry McMasters
(God looks intently downward. Satan walking by, notices. Approaches God)
Satan: What are you looking at?
God: What are you still doing here?
Satan: I’m going, I’m going. Just came back to get my pitchfork.
God: (grunts) OK, relax. Come on over, take a look at this. Garden of Eden.
Satan: (looking down in direction God points) Good Lord, what the hell is that thing?
God: That’s not a thing, it’s two things. Man and woman.
Satan: Two things? No way.
God: Yes. Two things.
Satan: Are they stuck?
God: It’s called “sex.” Look at them go.
Satan: Ugh. Looks gross. Say you know I’m really sorry for yesterday, trying to overthrow you and take dominion over the universe…all a big misunderstanding, really.
God: (turns away from Adam and Eve to Satan) Oh no, not again. Look, I’m not changing you back.
Satan: Oh come on! I’m begging you!
God: Hey, you mess with the Big Enchilada, I gotta respond.
Satan: But I’m red! And horns? I look ridiculous.
God: It’s not as bad as all that. Calm down.
Satan: At least take back this forked tail. I feel like some kind of lizard or something.
God: Seriously it’s not that bad a look, taken as a whole. With your sharp teeth and goat legs the whole package just screams “badass.”
God: Sure! I did you a favor! I would lose the Hawaiian shirt though. I didn’t have anything to do with that, you don’t have to wear a Hawaiian shirt.
Satan: It’s so silky and nice though…say, they’re at it again!
God: (looks down) Wow! And in a new position!
Satan: (squinting) Really? How can you tell?
God: Look, her legs, his hands, it’s different…aw forget it. Now I’ve got to invent a new name for it. (looks intently at notepad) Let’s see… “Number 29…Man on bottom, woman left oblique?” (looks at Satan)
Satan: Excellent name, Sir!
God: Really? It’s not as catchy as “Heaving Donkey Escaping Mudslide” but I can only be so creative so long, and these two have been at it constantly for days now.
Satan: It’s a great name, Sir, really.
God: I’m not changing you back you know. Deal with it.
Satan: Well, looks like your two friends are done for the moment. So what else do they do when they’re not doing sex?
God: Not a whole lot. Eat. Sleep. Poop. Internet hasn’t been invented yet.
God: One simple rule I’ve got: Don’t eat the magic fruit from the magic tree.
Satan: Oh yeah? What’s the point of that?
God: (shrugs) No point, really.
Satan: You mean that magic tree there? Hate to tell you but one of them is making a move on it.
God: Holy shit! (frantically grabs bullhorn) YOU. NAKED FEMALE HUMAN. STEP AWAY FROM THE TREE. NOTHING TO SEE THERE…
Satan: She’s going for it!
God: STEP AWAY FROM THE MAGIC TREE…
Satan: She got it!
God: Oh for Christ’s sake. Bitch! Well the other one damn well knows better than to…
Satan: She’s giving him the magic fruit!
God: (grabs bullhorn) ATTENTION! NAKED MALE HUMAN. STEP AWAY FROM THE FEMALE.
Satan: (laughing) He’s biting it!
God: Damn it! Shit!
Satan: Oh my. Well. Well?
God: Well what?
Satan: Well aren’t you going to punish them?
God: Uh, well, I don’t know…I guess as long as it doesn’t happen again…
Satan: Oh come on! Messing with the Big Cheese Burrito, hello. What kind of punishment is that? I got this forked tail stuffed up my butthole.
God: You want me to shove the other end in too?
Satan: So what did you tell them you would do if they ate the magic fruit?
God: (inaudible mumble)
God: I said they would surely die.
God: (frustrated) I was bluffing! I’m not going to kill them. They’ve had all their shots.
Satan: Well you’ve got to do something.
God: I’m sure they regret it. Probably right now they’re hiding somewhere in shame knowing they disappointed their Heavenly Creator…
Satan: (pointing excitedly) Look! They’re sexing!
God: Goddamn it!
Satan: Is that the Heaving Donkey?
God: I don’t give a shit! OK that’s it. From now on man will have but one penis. Take that you horny bastards!
Satan: Excellent choice sir! What about the woman?
God: Hmmm. Give me a minute. I could make her wear your shirt…
Satan: May I make a suggestion? (leans over and whispers in God’s ear)
God: Oh sweet Jesus! That’s awful!
Satan: (giggling) I know!
God: But that’s for input, how the hell is a child going to fit through that thing?
Satan: That’s the beauty of it, Sir!
God: You are a twisted son of a bitch. But creative, I’ll give you that.
Satan: I am the Prince of Evil, etc.
God: Now didn’t I banish you? Get the hell out of my sight you sick fuck. And take those two with you. The Garden of Eden is hereby closed until further notice.
Satan: Yes Sir.
God: Oh, and Satan, swing by later tonight. I could use some advice on what to do with that slacker Son of mine. Sometimes I swear I could kill him.