God and Satan

a short play by Jerry McMasters

(God looks intently downward.  Satan walking by, notices.  Approaches God)

 

Satan:  What are you looking at?

 

God:  What are you still doing here?

 

Satan:  I’m going, I’m going.  Just came back to get my pitchfork.

 

God: (grunts)  OK, relax.  Come on over, take a look at this.  Garden of Eden.

 

Satan:  (looking down in direction God points) Good Lord, what the hell is that thing?

 

God:  That’s not a thing, it’s two things.  Man and woman.

 

Satan:  Two things?  No way.

 

God:  Yes.  Two things.

 

Satan:  Are they stuck?

 

God:  It’s called “sex.”  Look at them go.

 

Satan:  Ugh.  Looks gross.  Say you know I’m really sorry for yesterday, trying to overthrow you and take dominion over the universe…all a big misunderstanding, really.

 

God:  (turns away from Adam and Eve to Satan)  Oh no, not again.  Look, I’m not changing you back.

 

Satan:  Oh come on!  I’m begging you!

 

God:  Hey, you mess with the Big Enchilada, I gotta respond.

 

Satan:  But I’m red!  And horns?  I look ridiculous.

 

God:  It’s not as bad as all that.  Calm down.

 

Satan:  At least take back this forked tail.  I feel like some kind of lizard or something.

 

God:  Seriously it’s not that bad a look, taken as a whole.  With your sharp teeth and goat legs the whole package just screams “badass.”

 

Satan:  Really?

 

God:  Sure!  I did you a favor!  I would lose the Hawaiian shirt though.  I didn’t have anything to do with that, you don’t have to wear a Hawaiian shirt.

 

Satan:  It’s so silky and nice though…say, they’re at it again!

 

God:  (looks down)  Wow!  And in a new position!

 

Satan: (squinting) Really?  How can you tell?

 

God:  Look, her legs, his hands, it’s different…aw forget it.  Now I’ve got to invent a new name for it.  (looks intently at notepad)  Let’s see… “Number 29…Man on bottom, woman left oblique?” (looks at Satan)

 

Satan:  Excellent name, Sir!

 

God:  Really?  It’s not as catchy as “Heaving Donkey Escaping Mudslide” but I can only be so creative so long, and these two have been at it constantly for days now.

 

Satan:  It’s a great name, Sir, really.

 

God:  I’m not changing you back you know.  Deal with it.

 

Satan:  Well, looks like your two friends are done for the moment.  So what else do they do when they’re not doing sex?

 

God:  Not a whole lot.  Eat.  Sleep.  Poop.  Internet hasn’t been invented yet.

 

Satan:  Ah.

 

God:  One simple rule I’ve got:  Don’t eat the magic fruit from the magic tree.

 

Satan:  Oh yeah?  What’s the point of that?

 

God:  (shrugs)  No point, really.

 

Satan:  You mean that magic tree there?  Hate to tell you but one of them is making a move on it.

 

God:  Holy shit!  (frantically grabs bullhorn)  YOU.  NAKED FEMALE HUMAN.  STEP AWAY FROM THE TREE.  NOTHING TO SEE THERE…

 

Satan:  She’s going for it!

 

God:  STEP AWAY FROM THE MAGIC TREE…

 

Satan:  She got it!

 

God:  Oh for Christ’s sake.  Bitch!  Well the other one damn well knows better than to…

 

Satan:  She’s giving him the magic fruit!

 

God:  (grabs bullhorn) ATTENTION!  NAKED MALE HUMAN.  STEP AWAY FROM THE FEMALE.

 

Satan:  (laughing)  He’s biting it!

 

God:  Damn it!  Shit!

 

Satan:  Oh my.  Well.  Well?

 

God:  Well what?

 

Satan: Well aren’t you going to punish them?

 

God:  Uh, well, I don’t know…I guess as long as it doesn’t happen again…

 

Satan:  Oh come on!  Messing with the Big Cheese Burrito, hello.  What kind of punishment is that?  I got this forked tail stuffed up my butthole.

 

God:  You want me to shove the other end in too?

 

Satan:  So what did you tell them you would do if they ate the magic fruit?

 

God:  (inaudible mumble)

 

Satan:  What?

 

God:  I said they would surely die.

 

Satan:  (laughs)

 

God:  (frustrated)  I was bluffing!  I’m not going to kill them.  They’ve had all their shots.

 

Satan:  Well you’ve got to do something.

 

God:  I’m sure they regret it.  Probably right now they’re hiding somewhere in shame knowing they disappointed their Heavenly Creator…

 

Satan: (pointing excitedly)  Look!  They’re sexing!

 

God:  Goddamn it!

 

Satan:  Is that the Heaving Donkey?

 

God:  I don’t give a shit!  OK that’s it.  From now on man will have but one penis.  Take that you horny bastards!

 

Satan:  Excellent choice sir!  What about the woman?

 

God:  Hmmm.  Give me a minute.  I could make her wear your shirt…

 

Satan:  May I make a suggestion? (leans over and whispers in God’s ear)

 

God:  Oh sweet Jesus!  That’s awful!

 

Satan:  (giggling)  I know!

 

God:  But that’s for input, how the hell is a child going to fit through that thing?

 

Satan:  That’s the beauty of it, Sir!

 

God:  You are a twisted son of a bitch.  But creative, I’ll give you that.

 

Satan:  I am the Prince of Evil, etc.

 

God:  Now didn’t I banish you?  Get the hell out of my sight you sick fuck.  And take those two with you.  The Garden of Eden is hereby closed until further notice.

 

Satan:  Yes Sir.

 

God:  Oh, and Satan, swing by later tonight.  I could use some advice on what to do with that slacker Son of mine.  Sometimes I swear I could kill him.