Home‎ > ‎

Our Staff

  
Introducing
Marty's Staff
  

Current Staff

 
 
Meet our Staff
 

We are proud to introduce you to our staff and provide some "unique" insights into what makes them particularly suitable for Marty's!
(Warning: Some of the information may or may not be necessarily provable- or even possible)
 
(Profiles will be updated as our crack team of special investigators discover new clues - For the record we couldn't afford real "investigators" so we're using a team of recently unemployed (fired) Pet Detectives operating a vast research network powered by a powerful  Intel 286 processor and connected by a 2400bd modem configured to work with a rotary phone - and not very well at that)  
 
 
John - Rapper Name: "Grabber Boo-Tay". Also known as "Bartender John", "Big John", "Sparkles", and answers to "Hey My Eyes Are Up Here". A secretive man probably masking a deeply complex internal conflict between at least three inner children, a lost puppy, an angry duck,  and a retired minor league hockey player. It is rumored that John was dropped off on earth by aliens in a space ship when he was a child- apparently they're not coming back for him and he is ours for keeps. We're researching that "Safe Baby" law to see if there's a loophole where we cand drop him off at a Fire Station. He can be overly friendly and may follow you home if you feed him or make eye contact. Loves K.C. and the Sunshine Band, Barry Manilow, himself (frequently), and mint choclate chip ice cream. Hates Chevy Suburbans, plain choclate chip ice cream, and the color "taupe".

 
 
 
 
Erin - Rapper Name: "Madam Smasher". Call sign: "Hercules". Erin is also known as "The Breaker", "Break 1-Oh", or "Break 1 More". Reflexively answers up to "Who Broke This?". Erin is likely in hiding from an alternate personality which we believe is either a casino gambler or a demolition technician. She greets every man and several women she knows with "hey, my eyes are up here" (this sometimes confuses John who thinks she's calling him). She boasts a head for figures and cites the figures 8, septagon, quarter moon, and pyramid as examples. There are those who say if Texas ever eliminates scratch-off lottery tickets, Erin will cease to exist- probably from the head down in a left-to-right scraping motion. Erin's least-favorite hour of the day is daylight and she lists her all-time favorite things to do as "Motor Boating" (we weren't sure if she meant the song since that's not it's name, but she added that a party in slow motion sounded like fun too), arm wrestling for scratch-off lotto cards, lip synching karaoke, and trying to figure out whether John is building a spaceship or a time machine out back. She likes pinatas, Gorilla Glue, and duct tape. She hates haters, orange jello, one-way streets, and the spring and fall time changes.
 
  
 
Candice
Rapper name "Clownie K " and answers to the call sign "Dark Star Rising". She prefers the title "Princess of Darkness" but beware, those who shorten it to "POD" are generally startled (okay, horrified) at her reaction- we advise against trying this because most insurance policies do NOT cover the results. When not at work, Candice enjoys her relaxing hobby which is hunting and collecting clowns; we don't ask her much about her clown hunting because we really don't want to know if she's talking about pictures, statues, or...... something else. Her favorite color is black and explains "black is a rich color that represents my inner-most value system" (...not sure either, we didn't dig any deeper). Her favorite time of the day is apparently 12:03 AM- the time, she says, when her favorite color and her hobby merge creating something close to a Clown Apocalypse with a touch of Zombie added for flair. It's something she seems to really enjoy but we can't really endorse as a pastime. Her favorite number is .0365 and she particularly loves sleepwalking. The things that make Clownie K happy are roughing up smart asses (we are desperately trying to get that defined a little a bit more fully), making clown pinatas, aerodynamically perfect apples, spark plugs (slightly used), loaded dice, and opening clown pinatas. The list of things that make her unhappy is WAY too long to post here and, from what we can tell, it changes way too frequently- but we encourage sharing new discoveries.... quickly....


Dos Equis Dude - Rapper Name: "Dos Factor X". Alias "Tom Gerwitz" and also known as "The Most Interesting Man in Marty's" and "Marty's Karaoke Ambassador". Attends all parties and is a faithful karaoke supporter and audience member. Apparently trapped in latent childhood, likes to play dress-up. A gruff personality is evident as he has been invited to "step outside" several times- but no one really knows why, or by who. His predecessors have gone "to the ranch" and have never been heard from again. Hates pizza. Loves a great disco ball. Once accused of stalking Bartender John and is deathly afraid of the day the music dies.

 

 


 

Web Geek 
- We have our own web geek who goes by the handle "Web Geek". We're not completely sure about our information on the Web Geek because it comes from the web. Now, while we tend to believe everything we read on the web since everything on the web is known to be true, we're somewhat skeptical of what we found on him; for instance he writes about his archeological dig where he found the Ark of the Covenant and has stored it secretly at Marty's for safety- it's on the web, so it must be true, right? Then there're his claims that he found the only two identical snow flakes but that one melted before he could snap a picture; and that he proved "cold fusion" using the cooler at Marty's (perhaps while he was hiding the Ark?). We are told Web Geek enjoys spending his "down time" listening to tapes from his 8 Track collection, re-charging old batteries he finds laying around (says its as 'green' as he's going), and working on his concept for his invention of a telephone that works without needing to be plugged into a wall outlet. He apparently doesn't trust IBM Selectric typewriters (preferring Remington manual ones instead), red shirts, 9600bd modems, photographs (and the whole process of capturing and displaying images), or V8 Juice. We've noticed that he especially dislikes any drink with "Zero" in its name, words with too many vowels (he prefers consonants), and this - his description - "confounded, new fangled internet, web thing".

 
 

Spinning Wheel Thingy - Who knew spinning wheels were migratory?  Looks like we've inherited a pretty important wheel.  It apparently did a tour on "Survivor" because one picture we found showed slots for "Blind Side", "Bluff Immunity Idol", "Start Rumor", "Throw Challenge", and, oddly, "Vote out Geneiveve".  Our detectives found some other pics that indicate our wheel spent some time in the sports world; in one, it's got blue and silver backgrounds and has slots saying "Keep Romo" and "Trade Romo".  Another picture shows it painted green with a "10" in the center and the slots alternate between "stay Indy" and "Go NASCAR".  It also seems our wheel is either older than we originally thought or is descendant of a long and less-than-distinguished tree of wheels of (mis)fortune- very "Forest Gump" in nature. We see a very old picture of a wheel with slots labeled "go through Little Big Horn" and labeled "go around Little Big Horn". One picture we found shows an astronaut with a wheel with the slots alternatively marked "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" and "hey, it really IS cheese". The last picture shows Cathy in front of the wheel with the slots marked "Marty's Cocktails", "Mart's Sports & Spirits", and "Both". One can infer our wheel has led a long and interesting life.  

 

ALERT: Our investigators are always on the look-out for new clues and facts about our staff.... check back often!

Comments